February 3, 2014 - Jennifer Senior

  • 02/03/2014

Coca-Cola's Super Bowl ad sparks outrage, cheerleaders sue the Oakland Raiders, J.K. Rowling regrets pairing Hermione and Ron, and Jennifer Senior talks "All Joy and No Fun."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)Stephen: HEY, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THEREPORT"!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU EVERYBODY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHOO!

WHOO!

WELCOME!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS --(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, FOLKS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LIKE THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM,EVERYONE IS STILL BUZZING ABOUT

THE BIG GAME LAST NIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I MEAN, PEOPLE WERE TACKLED.

(LAUGHTER)BALLS WERE KICKED.

DOWNS WERE FOURTHED.

(LAUGHTER)AND IN THE END, THE SEATTLE

SEAHAWKS SEA-STOMPED THE DENVERBRONCOS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IT WAS A ROUTE FROM THE

BEGINNING STARTING WITH PEYTONMANNING'S OPENING SNAP.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, DUE TO FEAR OF BEING SUED

BY THE N.F.L., I CANNOT SHOW YOUTHE FOOTAGE BUT IT FELT

SOMETHING LIKE THIS: THE(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, ADMITTEDLY, THAT FOOTAGEHAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

FOOTBALL, BUT IT FELTA LOT LIKE THAT.

(LAUGHTER)SO, FOLKS, THE REAL REASON I

WATCHED THE GAME WAS TO SEETHE ADS.

YOU HAD ALL THE BIG NAMES,BUDWEISER, FORD, RADIO SHACK.

REALLY ONLY ONE COMMERCIALMATTERED, A TRULY NUTTY AD THAT

--(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT DROVE THE COUNTRY NUTS.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUTCOCA-COLA.

THEIR COMMERCIAL CERTAINLY GOTMY FELLOW CONSERVATIVES' BLOOD

BUBBLING.

>> HOW ABOUT THAT COCA-COLACOMMERCIAL?

DID YOU HEAR THE COCA-COLACOMMERCIAL?

>> THE COKE COMMERCIAL SPARKEDCONTROVERSY.

>> THE COKE COMMERCIAL WAS ASLAP IN THE FACE TO AMERICA.

>> YOU TICKED OFF A LOT OF COKEDRINKERS, YOU TICKED OFF A LOT

OFAMERICANS, COKE, YOU BLEW IT

WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE.

>> THEY BLEW IT WITH ME AND IDIDN'T EVEN SEE THE AD.

BUT FOR SOME REASON THEY RAN ITWHEN THE GAME WAS ALREADY OVER

-- THE SECOND QUARTER.

(LAUGHTER)IN FAIRNESS, GIVE ME A TASTE.

♪ OH BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS♪ SKIES

(SONG CONTINUES IN SPANISH)♪

(SONG CONTINUES IN ANOTHERLANGUAGE)

>> Stephen: (SCREAMING)(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: (SCREAMING)(LAUGHTER)

THEY WERE SINGING "AMERICA THEBEAUTIFUL" IN FOREIGN TALK!

COME ON, ONLY ENGLISH CAN GIVETHAT SONG ITS CERTAIN JE NE SAIS

QUOI.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, FOLKS, THE LAST THING I

WANT TO BE IS A PRIMA DONNA HEREBUT I AM FULL OF SHAUDEN FREUD

DA OVER THIS.

(LAUGHTER)AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S

OUTRAGED.

EXCONGRESSMAN AND FORMEREMPLOYABLE PERSON ALLEN WEST

ANGER BLOGGED "IT STARTED RATHERPATRIOTICALLY WITH THE WORDS OF

AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL THEN THEWORDS WENT FROM ENGLISH TO

LANGUAGES I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE."

(LAUGHTER)YES, THIS MAN ONCE REPRESENTED

FLORIDA AND THEN SERVEED INIRAQ.

HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO RECOGNIZESPANISH AND ARABIC?

(LAUGHTER)AND THE WEB SITE THEBREIT

BART.CA'S MICHAEL LEAHYCAPTURED WHY WE'RE SO ANGRY

SAYING THAT THE COMPANY USEDSUCH AN ICONIC SONG, ONE OFTEN

SUNG IN CHURCHES ON THE 4TH OFJULY THAT REPRESENTS THE OLD

E PLURIBUS UNUM VIEW OF HOWAMERICAN SOCIETY IS INTEGRATED

TO PUSH MULTICULTURALISMDOWN OUR THROATS.

YES, THE OLD E PLURIBUS UNUM.

THAT'S LATIN FOR "SPEAK-A-DAENGLISH."

(LAUGHTER)AND AS LEAHY POINTS OUT, IT'S

NOT ENOUGH THEY SANG A DEEPLYCHRISTIAN PATRIOTIC ANTHEM, THE

AD ALSO PROMINENTLY FEATURES AGAY COUPLE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)FOR PETE'S SAKE, SINCE WHEN ARE

GAYS ALLOWED TO GAY UP "AMERICATHE BEAUTIFUL?"

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN, IF THE WOMAN WHO WROTE

THE SONG, KATHERINE LEE BATESSAW THIS AD, SHE WOULD BE

DISGUSTED AND SO WOULD HER LIFEPARTNER KATHERINE CO-MAN WITH

WHOM SHE LIVED FOR 25 YEARS INWHAT WAS THEN REFERRED TO AS A

"BOSTON MARRIAGE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, THAT WAS NOT A GAY

MARRIAGE, IT WAS THE 19thCENTURY.

WOMEN COULD NOT BE LESBIANS BACKTHEN, OKAY?

THEY COULDN'T EVEN VOTE.

OR, AS LESBIANS CALL IT,SCISSORING.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, THAT'S IT, AMERICA.

I AM OFFICIALLY REMOVINGCOCA-COLA FROM THE ALL-AMERICAN

MEAL WHICH WE ALL KNOW ISHOT DOG FOR ENTREE, A SIDE OF

BASEBALL GLOVE, APPLE PIE FORDESSERT AND, OF COURSE, MOM WHO

STANDS FOR MONO OXIDASE METHYLHYDRATE, THAT GIVES THE APPLE

PIE THE SUSTAINED FEELING OFWETNESS. COKE, OF COURSE,

WAS THE VEGETABLE.

NATION, I KNOW -- COKE'S AFRUIT, NO LETTERS.

I'M IN NO POSITION TO JUDGEOTHERS.

THERE, THAT'S BETTER.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OFTHE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THE SUPER BOWL IS ONE OF THE

BIGGEST EVENTS OF THE YEARBECAUSE FOOTBALL IS AMERICA'S

GAME.

WE ALL LOVE IT!

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, FOLKS, SOMEPEOPLE OUT THERE AREN'T CHEERING

FOR OUR N.F.L. HEROES.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUTTHE CHEERLEADERS.

>> THE OAKLAND RAIDERS ARE BEINGSUED BY THE TEAM'S CHEERLEADERS,

CURRENT AND FORMER RAIDERETTES.

THEY ACCUSE THE TEAM OF WAGETHEFT AND UNFAIR EMPLOYMENT

PRACTICES.

>> THEY CLAIM WHEN THE SEASONWAS ALL SAID AND DONE THE

CHEERLEADERS MADE LESS THAN $5AN HOUR.

>> WHAT ARE THEY COMPLAININGABOUT?

AT LEAST WE PAY THEM!

I MEAN, THE REFS HAVE TO TAKE ASECOND JOB AT THE FOOT LOCKER.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINGER TO LITIGIOUSCHEERLEADERS.

THE N.F.L. CAN'T GIVECHEERLEADERS RAISES.

IF THEY HAVE MORE MONEY THEYMIGHT BE ABLE TO AFFORD MORE

CLOTHING!

HOW CAN WE KNOW THEY'RE EXCITEDIF WE CAN'T COUNT THEIR RIBS?

(LAUGHTER)AND FOLKS, IF COLLECTIVE

ACTION WORKS IN THIS CASE ITCOULD LEAD TO A CHEERLEADER

UNION.

SOON YOU'LL BE IN THE STANDSREVVED UP BY THIS GUY.

DON'T TOUCH HIS POM-POM, ONLY HECAN MOVE THE POM-POM.

(LAUGHTER)FRANKLY, FRANKLY, I HAVE TO SAY,

FOLKS, THIS MAKES ME QUESTIONEVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW

ABOUT CHEERLEADERS.

MAYBE THEY REALLY DID WANT TOTALK TO ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT I WAS TOO HOT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I'VE SAID MANY TIMES, I'M

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I'VE SAID MANY TIMES, I'M

NO FAN OF POPE FRANCIS.

I KNOW HE'S GOD'S VOICE ON EARTHBUT SOMETIMES HE COMES OFF AS

PREACHY.

(LAUGHTER)WELL LOOKY LOOK WHO'S ON THE

CURRENT ISSUE OF "ROLLINGSTONE."

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S DAFT PONTIFF.

AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS UPSET AT"ROLLING STONE" SINCE THEIR 1993

COVER FEATURING MOTHER TERESA.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)SO, YO, I'M MAD, TOO.

OH, I'M MAD, TOO.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS WRONG.

SO I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY FINGERTO THE POPE FOR GOING

MAINSTREAM!

WHAT'S NEXT?

YOU'RE HEARING HIS ENCYCLICALS IN STARBUCKS?

WE REAL POPE-HEADS ARE ONLYINTO THE EARLY STUFF, LIKE FELIX

THE THIRD. I MEAN 483 TO 492?

THAT IS OLDSCHOOL!

HIS REPUDIATION OF THE HEROTICONOF EMPEROR ZENO AT THE

BEGINNING OF THE ACACIAN SCHISM,THAT IS MY JAM!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I SAY FORGET THIS SELLOUT POPE

I'M MORE INTO TAWADROS IIOF ALEXANDRIA.

HE'S BIG IN EGYPT BUT HE HASN'TBROKEN IN THE STATES YET SO YOU

PROBABLY HAVEN'T HEARD OF HIM.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, LONG-TIMEVIEWERS OF THE "REPORT" KNOW I'M

NO FAN OF CHINA.

FOR ONE THING, WHY DON'T ANY OFTHEIR ATHLETES HAVE SKIN?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)BUT EVEN I WAS DISAPPOINTED WHEN

CHINA'S CENTRAL GOVERNMENTBANNED CIGARETTES FROM

KINDERGARTENS AND ELEMENTARYSCHOOLS.

(BOOS)YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

FROM NOW ON IF CHINESE STUDENTSWANT TO SMOKE THEY'LL V TO GET

THEIR SMOOTH FLAVOR FROM THESKY.

(LAUGHTER)SO FOLKS I -- TONIGHT I'M GIVING

A WAG OF MY FINGER TO CHINA.

AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE,BUT CHINA IS THE LAND OF FREEDOM

FROM REGULATION.

IT'S THE ONLY COUNTRY ON EARTHWHERE DRY WALL IS A FLAVOR OF

TOOTHPASTE.

(LAUGHTER)I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KICKED

THEIR OWN CHILDREN OUT OFMARLBOROUGH COMPANY.

THE JUMP OFF THE TOBACCO DRAGONWON'T BE EASY.

THEY GET HOOKED EARLY CHINA.

THIS IS THEIR PACIFIER.

BY THE WAY, SPEAKING OF CHINA.

CHINA.

THE FOLKS, BACK IN DECEMBER ISHARED MY OUTRAGE THAT THE

MOON-- AMERICA'S MOON-- HADALLOWED A CHINESE ROVER, THE

JADE RABBIT, TO LAND ON ITSSURFACE EVEN THOUGH THE MOON'S

CLEARLY NOT OVER US YET.

WHY ELSE WOULD IT KEEP LOOKINGTHROUGH OUR WINDOWS AT NIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)BUT HUNAN, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

>> CHINA'S MOON ROVER HASAPPARENTLY BROKEN DOWN ON THE

LUNAR SURFACE.

OFFICIALS SAY SOMETHING HAS GONEWRONG WITH THE JADE RABBIT'S

MECHANICAL CONTROLS.

THEY BELIEVE IT WAS CAUSED BYTHE "COMPLICATED LUNAR SURFACE

ENVIRONMENT."

>> THE ROVER HAS TO GO INTOHIBERNATION MODE WHEN IT GETS

EXCEPTIONALLY COLD AND A GLITCHISN'T LETTING DO IT THAT.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT A RAREDOUBLE WAG OF MY FINGER TO

CHINA.

(TWO GONGS)(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, NOT JUST FOR INVADING OURMOON WITH THEIR ROVER, BUT FOR

TRYING TO MAKE ME CARE ABOUT IT!

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

CHINA'S ACTUAL OFFICIALSTATEMENT ABOUT THE PROBLEMS WAS

WRITTEN FROM THE POINT OF VIEWOF THE DOOMED ROVER.

JIM?

>> "MY MASTERS DISCOVEREDSOMETHING ABNORMAL WITH MY

MECHANICAL CONTROLS.

MY MASTERS ARE STAYING UP ALLNIGHT WORKING FOR A SOLUTION.

NEVERTHELESS, I'M AWARE I MIGHTNOT SURVIVE THIS LUNAR NIGHT."

>> Stephen: NO, NO, FOLKS, THATSTUFF HAPPENS.

GO ON.

>> "BEFORE DEPARTURE I STUDIEDTHE HISTORY OF MANKIND'S LUNAR

PROBES.

ABOUT HALF OF THE PAST 130EXPLORATIONS ENDED IN SUCCESS.

THE REST ENDED IN FAILURE.

THIS IS SPACE EXPLORATION.

THE DANGER COMES WITH ITSBEAUTY.

I AM BUT A TINY DOT IN THE VASTPICTURE OF THIS ADVENTURE."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)>> Stephen: DAMN THESE WINTER

ALLERGIES!

THAT SNOWSTORM IS KICKING UP ALOT OF POLLEN.

>> "THE SUN HAS FALLEN AND THETEMPERATURE HAS DARKENED SO

QUICKLY.

TO TELL YOU ALL A SECRET, IDON'T FEEL ALL THAT SAD.

I WAS JUST IN MY OWN ADVENTURESTORY AND LIKE EVERY HERO I

ENCOUNTERED A SMALL PROBLEM.

GOOD NIGHT, EARTH.

GOOD NIGHT, HUMANITY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)6-.

>> Stephen: DAMN IT!

(SOBBING)YOU MADE ME MOURN A PIECE OF

CHINESE TECHNOLOGY!

AND I DIDN'T EVEN DROP THIS ONEIN THE TOILET!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

THIS(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, PLEASE.

FOLKS, YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOWTHESE PEOPLE JUST KEEP GIVING

AND GIVING TONIGHT.

NATION, REGULAR VIEWERS KNOW ILOVE MY "HARRY POTTER" BOOKS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A

KID WITH DARK HAIR AND GLASSESWHO SAVES THE WORLD THAT JUST

SPEAKS TO ME.

ON SUNDAY "HARRY POTTER" AUTHORJ.K. ROWLING ROCKED THE MUGGLE

WORLD THIS REVELATION.

JIM, ACCIO FOOTAGE.

>> J.K. ROLLING SAID HERMOINEGRANGER SHOULD HAVE ENDED UP

WITH HARRY INSTEAD OF RON.

ROWLING SAYS SHE PUT RON AND HERMIONE TOGETHER FOR VERY

PERSONAL REASONS.

SHE GOES ON TO SAY IT MAY NOTHAVE BEEN THE BEST MATCH.

>> Stephen: YES!

J.K. ROWLING FINALLY ADMITTEDWHAT WE READERS HAVE KNOWN ALL

ALONG.

HARRY AND HERMOINE ARE PERFECTFOR EACH OTHER!

YOU DON'T NEED A SORTING HAT TOFIGURE THAT OUT.

IT'S AS CLEAR AS THE CHEMISTRYBETWEEN DUMBLEDORE AND

VOLDEMORT!

(LAUGHTER)THAT WHICH MUST NOT BE NAMED

IS THEIR LOVE.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, J.K., I DEMAND YOU GIVE US

THE ENDING WE DESERVE WITH A NEWBOOK "HARRY POTTER AND THE

REALIZATION HE'S MADE A HUGEMISTAKE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IN THIS ONE HARRY TURNS HIS BACK

ON HIS WIFE AND KIDS AND HAS ANAFFAIR WITH HERMOINE AT THE

HOGSMEADE BEST WESTERN.

IT GOES DOWN IN ROOM 414-3/4.

LET'S JUST SAY THAT'S NOTMOANING MYRTLE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)HARRY AND HERMOINE NEEDS TO GET

TOGETHER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT RON, HE'LL BEFINE.

IT'S ALL IN THE FINAL BOOK "RONWEASLEY AND THE STUDIO APARTMENT

OF SHAME."

(LAUGHTER)RON GOES ON FANTASTIC ADVENTURES

WITH HIS NEW BEST FRIEND-- ABOTTLE OF TEQUILA AND A FUTON

FOUND ON THE CURB.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT HAS A NEWBOOK ABOUT MODERN PARENTING

ALSO KNOWN AS THE IPAD.

PLEASE WELCOME JENNIFER SENIOR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)HEY, JENNIFER.

GOOD SEEING YOU.

THANKS A LOT FOR COMING ON.

YOU'RE CONTRIBUTING EDITOR OFNEW YORK MAGAZINE, REGULAR

CONTRIBUTOR TO THE "NEW YORKTIMES" BOOK REVIEW.

YOU GOT A NEW BOOK MAKING A BITOF A SPLASH CALLED "ALL JOY AND

NO FUN, THE PARADOX OF MODERNPARENTING."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL JOY AND NOFUN?

WHERE'S THE JOY AND WHAT'S THEFUN SUPPOSED TO BE?

>> (LAUGHS)I'M GOING TO FLIP THOSE AROUND.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> SO IN TERMS OF SAYING THATTHERE'S NO FUN IT'S BECAUSE

THERE'S A LOT OF DRUDGERY INPARENTING, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF

BOREDOM.

>> Stephen: IS THAT SUPPOSED TOBE NEWS?

(LAUGHTER)THE POINT OF PARENTING IS THAT

YOU HAVE -->> IT'S TO BE BORED.

>> Stephen: YOU SACRIFICE FORTHEM UNTIL THEY HAVE THEIR OWN

CHILDREN AND THEN YOU SAY"ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO

ME?"(LAUGHTER)

"HOW ABOUT AN APOLOGY?">> IT'S TOTALLY TRUE.

AND THEY'RE INGRATES.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT THE JOY, AS WE KNOW, IT'SINCOMPARABLE.

>> Stephen: THE JOY IS THE HARDPART.

>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, JOY VERYHARD TO TOLERATE.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> YES!

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOSTINTERESTING THINGS I LEARNED IN

MY BOOK.

BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DEEPLY BONDEDTO SOMETHING.

>> Stephen: SOMEONE, HOPEFULLY.

>> YES, EXACTLY.

SO IMAGINE -- HOW MANY TIMESHAVE YOU HEARD A PARENT SAY TO

YOU "I'M LOOKING AT MY KID, HE'SBEAUTIFUL IN HIS CRIB, I LOVE

HIM SO MUCH AND THEN I IMAGINESOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING."

RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT'S THE KIND OF THINGWHERE YOU ASSOCIATE --

(AUDIENCE REACTS)NOT RINGING A BELL?

NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU?

>> Stephen: NO.

I OFTEN THINK WHAT IF SOMETHINGHAPPENS TO ME?

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY FACE?

>> WELL, THE OTHER 99% OF US DO.

SO THAT IS A HARDER FEELING TOTOLERATE THAN SADNESS, ALMOST.

>> Stephen: WELL, NO, NO, IT ISTHERE.

'S AN EXQUISITE AGONY IN KNOWINGTHAT THIS BEAUTIFUL THING IS

HERE AND SOMEDAY IT WILL NOT BEHERE.

EVEN IF THINGS GO RIGHT YOURCHILD WILL GROW OLD AND DIE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

>> (LAUGHS)PLEASURE.

THANK YOU.

LET ME GIVE YOU THE LINE.

THE PSYCHIATRIST I TALKED TO PUTIT BEAUTIFULLY, JOY IS GRIEF

INSIDE OUT AND THAT'S NOT THESAME IS FUN.

THAT'S DIFFERENT.

>> Stephen: JOY IS GRIEF INSIDEOUT?

THIS GUY NEEDS TO GO TO BETTER BARS.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU'RE RIGHT!

>> Stephen: ALL JOY AND NO FUN-- IS HAPPINESS ONE OF THESE

TWO?

>> HERE'S THE THING YOU HAVE TOKNOW.

SO IN STUDY AFTER STUDY PARENTSARE MORE HAPPY THAN NON-PARENTS.

>> Stephen: THAT A GOOD THING ORA BAD THING?

SERIOUS QUESTION.

IS THAT A GOOD THING A BADTHING?

IS HAPPINESS A GOAL?

>> I WOULD ARGUE NO.

I THINK IT'S OVERRATED.

>> Stephen: I TOTALLY AGREE THATHAPPINESS IS OVERRATED.

(LAUGHTER)I DO.

HAPPINESS IS FOR THE WEAK.

WE ARE NOT HERE TO BE HAPPY, WEARE HERE TO PROCREATE, TO MAKE

MORE CHILDREN AND INFECT THEMWITH OUR WORLD VIEW WHICH MIGHT

NOT -- THEY MIGHT ALSO NOT BEHAPPY.

(LAUGHTER)>> THE LET ME TELL YOU WHAT KIDS

WERE FOR.

THEY WERE OUR STAFF.

THEY USED TO WORK FOR US.

>> Stephen: THEY STILL ARE, THEYSTILL ARE.

>> IN THE COLBERT HOUSE.

>> Stephen: SUNDAY NIGHT,GARBAGE.

IT'S SNOWING, GO OUTSIDE.

>> BUT THE PROBLEM IS RIGHT NOW,YOU KNOW, I THINK EVER SINCE THE

PROGRESSIVE ERA WE DON'TACTUALLY -- WE NOW WORK FOR

THEM.

WE TAKE THEM SOCCER PRACTICE ANDBABY GYMBOREE, VIOLIN LESSONS.

ALL WITHOUT ANY IDEA THAT WE ARENECESSARILY -- WE DON'T KNOW IF

THIS IS HELPING THEM OR US.

>> Stephen: SHOULD WE NEGLECTTHEM?

(LAUGHTER)I'M CURIOUS, I'M CURIOUS BECAUSE

WHEN I WAS A KID I GREW UP ON ADIRT ROAD, MOM PUSHED ME OUT IN

THE MORNING AND SAID "I'LLRING THE BELL FOR

LUNCH, TRY NOT TO HURTYOURSELF."

>> EXACTLY.

THAT WAS OKAY.

BUT HERE'S THE THING.

THE BETTY DRAPER STYLE OFNEGLECT I WOULDN'T ADVOCATE.

THE SMOKING AND DRINKING LIKE IN"MAD MEN."

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAIDFOR MAYBE NOT HOVERING QUITE SO

MUCH AND I THINK WE'D ALL FEELBETTER.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A CHILD?

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS YOURCHILD?

>> HE'S SIX.

>> Stephen: SO ARE YOU HERE TOGET AWAY FROM HIM?

(LAUGHTER)AH!

AH!

ANYTHING.

>> THAT WOULD BE A REALLYELABORATE RUSE.

I WROTE A BOOK JUST TO COME ONHERE AND GET AWAY FROM MY KIDS.

>> Stephen: WHEN YOU GET OLDER-- -- WHEN HE GETS OLDER ARE YOU

GOING TO USE THE PROCEEDS OFTHIS BOOK TO PAY FOR HIS

THERAPY?

>> I'M TERRIFIED ABOUT THAT.

>> Stephen: PLEASE COME BACK IN20 YEARS AND TELL US HOW HE'S

DOING.

>> I WILL!

>> Stephen: JENNIFER SENIOR.

THE BOOK IS "ALL JOY AND NOFUN."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY, GOOD NIGHT!