Jobrani, Bearden, Feinstein, Fisch

  • Season 8, Ep 0812
  • 12/02/2004

AND TODAY AND YOU EVER NOTICE

HOW SPORTS ANNOUNCERS OVER

ANALYZE EVERYTHING ABOUT

THE GAME?

"I, I'LL TELL YOU MARV, I,

I'LL TELL YA, UH IF HE DIDN'T

MAKE THAT SHOT, HE WOULD HAVE

MISSED IT."

[LAUGHTER]

ALSO I HAVE A FRIEND FROM

CHICAGO.

HE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING THAT

HE CAN'T GET ANY GIRLS.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY THERE

UH JAMIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

MY PROBLEM IS THERE BUT UH,

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET ANY

[BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE "YOU SAY THAT TO THE

WOMEN?"

[LAUGHTER]

HE HAS REALLY BAD PICK UP MOVES,

HE'LL GO OUT TO A BAR, HE'LL BE

LIKE, "HO YOU DOING?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME THERE?

HOW YOU DO-- OH, YOUR NAME IS

KATHY.

HEY KATHY, LIKE AL LITTLE...

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, YOU GOT AN E-MAIL ADDRESS

OR SOMETHING THERE?"

LIKE THAT'S NOT A SMOOTH MOVE,

RIGHT?

SMOOTH GUYS WOULDN'T DO THAT,

RIGHT WOMEN?

YOU WOULDN'T SEE SEAN CONNERY

AS JAMES BOND DO THAT.

YOU THINK HE WALKS IN THE OFFICE

IN THE MORNING IS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

[AS CONNERY] "GOOD MORNING.

[LAUGHTER]

MRS. MONEY PENNY.

YOU HAVE MY PLANS?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY CAN'T I GET ANY [BLEEP]?"

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

MY NAME IS MAZ JOBRANI.

I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE GROWN UP IN AMERICA BUT

I WAS BORN IN IRAN.

[CHEERING]

OKAY, THEY CHEERED, THIS GUY'S

LIKE, "WHATEVER, BRO.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

WHY YOU TELLING US MAN,

DEAL WITH IT."

YEAH, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH

IT SUCKS TO WAKE UP AND FIND OUT

YOU'RE IN THE AXIS OF EVIL?

IT'S JUST HORRIBLE.

I WAS LIKE, "AH MAN, THIS SUCKS!

NOW I'LL NEVER GET LAID!"

[LAUGHTER]

BUSH PUT THE WHOLE COUNTRY

IN THE AXIS OF EVIL.

MY FRIEND WAS PISSED.

MY FRIEND WAS LIKE [IN ACCENT]

"WE ARE NOT ALL EVIL.

[LAUGHTER]

I AM NOT EVIL.

I PEED ON A HAMSTER ONCE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S NOT NICE, BUT IT'S NOT

EVIL.

IT SHOULD BE AXIS OF NOT NICE.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

SOME OF MY FRIENDS JUST GAVE UP

ON THE WHOLE THING AND BECAME

ITALIAN.

YOU EVER MET THOSE GUYS?

THE MIDDLE EASTERN, ITALIAN

GUYS?

YOU MET THOSE GUYS?

I GOT A BUDDY WHO'LL BE AT A

PARTY, MEET SOME GIRLS HE'LL

BE LIKE THIS, [IN ACCENT]

"COME MEET MY FRIENDS OVER HERE,

COME OVER HERE, COME ON.

THIS IS HASAAN, HOSSEIN, ALIZ,

MOHAMMED, MAZ AND I'M TONY."

[LAUGHTER]

"OH YES, THEY'RE IRANIAN AND

I'M ITALIAN, HEY I'M TONY,

YOU ARE TALKING TO ME UH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"CHOW, FORGETTING ABOUT IT."

[LAUGHTER]

"I FORGOTTED ABOUT IT A LONG

TIME AGO, MY FRIEND."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YA KNOW WHAT, I'M SICK OF

GETTING BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING,

ALL RIGHT.

MIDDLE EASTENERS GET BLAMED

FOR EVERYTHING.

RIGHT, LIKE THERE WAS A BLACKOUT

IN NEW YORK, THEY TRIED TO BLAME

THE MIDDLE EASTERNERS.

THEY WERE LIKE "THERE'S BEEN

A BLACKOUT.

TERRORISTS MIGHT HAVE BEEN

INVOLVED."

RIGHT, THEY'RE LIKE, "THERE'S

BEEN A TRAFFIC JAM, TERRORISTS

MIGHT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED."

[LAUGHTER]

"SHAQ WAS TRADED TO MIAMI,

TERRORISTS MIGHT HAVE BEEN

INVOLVED."

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHY IT STARTED IT

STARTED WITH THE ANTHRAX.

REMEMBER THE ANTHRAX THEY TRIED

TO BLAME ON THE MIDDLE

EASTERNERS?

I KNEW THAT WASN'T A MIDDLE

EASTERNER.

THAT'S NOT WHAT A MIDDLE

EASTERNER'S WORK.

MIDDLE EASTERNER WOULD BE LIKE,

"WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE

ANTHRAX IN THE ENVELOPE,

PUT THE STAMP ON THE ENVELOPE

AND MAIL IT?

[LAUGHTER]

NO, NO, NO."

"THAT'S NOT HOW I DO IT, NO NO."

"CAN I WRAP THE ANTHRAX AROUND

MYSELF AND RUN INTO SOMEBODY?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

"THAT'S HOW A DO IT.

I CAN'T, WELL THEN I WON'T.

THAT'S NOT MY MOTIS APPARANDI.

I WON'T DO IT.

WE ALL KNOW WHO DID THE ANTHRAX.

IT WAS SOME HILLBILLY DUDE.

YOU KNOW SOME HILLBILLY WAS

LIKE, "RIGHT ABOUT NOW'S A

GOOD TIME TO SEND OUT SOME

ANTHRAX."

"BLAME THE DAMN ARABS, THAT'S

WHAT I'LL DO.

BLAME THEM DAMN KABOB EATING,

CAMEL RIDING, GAS PRICE RAISING,

UNIBROW CONNECTED,

HAIRY-CHESTED, SONS A BITCHES!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO."

YOU KNOW IT WAS MAN AND I HOPE

THEY CATCH THE GUY MAN 'CAUSE

THAT WILL MAKE EVERYONE REALIZE

WE GOT HATERS OF KINDS,

YOU GUYS, WHITE, BLACK, ASIAN,

MIDDLE EASTERN, LATIN, ALL KINDS

OF HATERS.

THEY'RE GONNA PUT ANTHRAX IN

THE MAIL THEY'RE PUTTING ANTHRAX

IN THE WATER.

WHAT IF THEY PUT ECSTASY IN

THE WATER?

[LAUGHTER]

I'D BE LIKE THIS.

I'D BE LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

"OH MY GOD, I THINK THEY GOT

ME!"

[APPLAUSE]

"THOSE DAMN TERRORISTS.

CALL THE FBI.

TELL 'EM TO BRING SOME

LOLLIPOPS."

"'CAUSE I'M ROLLING!"

THAT'S MY TIME.

A SUPER MODEL WHEN SHE TRIES TO

TALK, UH 'CAUSE THAT'S A TRAIN

WRECK COMING RIGHT THERE WHICH

IS EXCITING SO MY BUDDIES AN

EDITOR OUT IN L.A. AND HE SENDS

ME THIS OUTTAKE TAPES.

HE SENDS ME THIS ONE OF

REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS.

EVERYBODY KNOW WHO SHE IS?

HOT RIGHT?

UNDENIABLY, NICE GIRL PROBABLY,

MAYBE NOT THE SHARPEST COOKIE

IN THE UH SHED OR WHATEVER THE

UH PHRASE, I, I DON'T READ,

THAT'S A PROBLEM YEAH C'MON,

I DON'T HAVE TIME.

THERE'S TV.

WE GOT A WAR ON PEOPLE!

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE'S ON THIS BEACH,

TAHITI, BORA BORA, SOME PLACE

LIKE THAT, SHE'S ON THE

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED 'SWIMSUIT

ISSUE, RIGHT, WHICH IS HOT,

RIGHT?

AND SHE'S SMOKING A CIGARETTE,

PAINED LOOK ON HER FACE,

'CAUSE HER LIFE IS HARD, RIGHT?

AND THEN THEY ASK HER THEY'RE

LIKE, "REBECCA, HOW DID YOU

FEEL WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOU'D

BE ON THE COVER OF THE SPORTS

ILLUSTRATED 'SWIMSUIT' ISSUE?"

SHE TAKES A LONG PENSIVE DRAG

FROM THAT CIGARETTE, "HOW DID

I FEEL WHEN I FOUND OUT I'D BE

ON THE COVER.

I DON'T KNOW.

HOW DID LOUIE ARMSTRONG FEEL

WHEN HE WALKED ON THE MOON?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE

MR. SMARTY PANTS, LIKE I KNOW

MORE THAN YOU AND I DON'T WANT

YOU TO BE NOT IN THE JOKE,

SO TO INCLUDE YOU, TO EXPLAIN

IT, NEIL ARMSTRONG ACTUALLY

THE GUY ON THE MOON.

LOUIE ARMSTRONG MULTIPLE TIME

WINNER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO UH, MY ROOMMATE HAVE THIS

THING, IT'S KIND OF A

DILAPIDATED HOUSE AND WE HAVE

THIS THING THAT WE'RE CALLING

A "RAT" PROBLEM.

UH, MAINLY THE HOUSE IS FILLED

WITH THESE GIANT HAIRY RODENTS,

HENCE, "RAT" PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, GENERALLY BY THE TIME I GET

A GIRL BACK TO MY HOUSE,

SHE'S PLIED WITH ENOUGH ALCOHOL

AND FALSE HOPE THAT'S IT'S GOING

TO BE, HMM-MM, MY KIND OF NIGHT.

BUT IF YOU GOT SOMETHING RUNNING

THROUGH THE ATTIC ALL NIGHT

LONG, MAKES IT REALLY HARD TO

GET THE PANTIES OFF.

HENCE, "RAT PROBLEM".

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT, BUT WE'RE LIKE

SINGLE DUDES, WE JUST HAVE A

REFRIGERATOR FILLED WITH

CANNED BEER, LIKE WHAT ARE

THEY AFTER, YOU KNOW WHAT I

MEAN.

SO IT'S LIKE, WE PUT THE TRAPS

OUT JUST TO BE SAFE BUT IF YOU

DRINK LIKE WE DO, NOT A GOOD

IDEA.

SOMEONE'S GONNA GET HURT.

ALSO NOT A GOOD IDEA TO PUT

YOUR TOMMY LEE IN ONE OF THOSE

THINGS AND RUN OUT IN THE

PARTY GOING, "CHECK OUT WHAT

I CAUGHT.

LOOK AT WHAT I CAUGHT, YEAH,

YEAH."

'CAUSE THAT JOKE ENDS IN TEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE HAVE THIS THING IN OUR

HOUSE, IT'S WEIRD IT'S CALLED

A UH...

A PANTRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT'S FOR BUT THE PEOPLE THAT

LIVED THERE BEFORE US STORED

FOOD IN IT 'CAUSE I THINK

THEY'RE IN SOME WEIRD CULT OR

SOMETHING, DOOMSDAY THING.

AND WHAT THEY DID IS THEY PUT

CEREAL ON THE TOP SHELF AND IT

TURNS OUT THAT'S WHAT THE RATS

ARE AFTER.

SO WE FREAKED OUT RIGHT, 'CAUSE

CEREAL IS WHAT FEED KIDS AND

YOU SEE HOW BIG THEY GET, RIGHT

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S AWKWARD.

SO THE RATS ARE GETTING LIKE

HUGE, LIKE AND WE'RE FREAKED

OUT SO I GOT THIS JACKASS

FRIEND WHO COMES OVER AND HE'S

LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD

DO, DUDE?

YOU SHOULD GET A CAT.

A CAT'LL TAKE CARE OF THE RATS."

I WAS LIKE, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE

SIZE OF THESE RATS?

I CAN'T GET A CAT, I GOTTA GET

LIKE, LIKE A TIGER, RIGHT."

YEAH, AND YOU CAN'T JUST GET

ONE TIGER RIGHT 'CAUSE THEY

GET BORED IN THE HOUSE AND START

CLAWING UP STUFF, RIGHT.

SO I HAD TO GET LIKE TWO, FIVE,

TEN TIGERS, NO I GOTTA LEARN

MAGIC AND START [BLEEP] MY

ROOMMATE.

[LAUGHTER]

NONSENSE SCREAMED AT ME ON THE

STREET AS I'M SURE A LOT OF

YOU DO.

UH, BUT MY FAVORITE IS WHEN

MEN TALK TO YOU LIKE IT'S YOUR

NAUGHTY LITTLE IDEA TO BE A

WOMAN.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE THE OTHER DAY I WAS WALKING

AND THIS GUY GOES "AWE, SEE

THAT'S TOO MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

NAH GIRL THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

AND IT WORKED, I FELT SLIGHTLY

GUILTY AND SOILED SOMEHOW.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING LATELY

IS I JUST TALK BACK TO MEN IN

THE TWO MOST HEINOUS JARRING

VOICES I KNOW.

WHICH ARE MY MOTHER'S AND MY

GRANDMOTHER'S.

SO THE OTHER DAY I WAS WALKING

AND I SCRATCHED MY STOMACH AND

THIS GUY GOES, "I'M SAYIN',

BOO.

CAN I SCRATCH THAT FOR YOU?"

SO I JUST ANSWERED HIM IN THE

SAME VOICE MY MOM WOULD USE

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GIRL AND

I WANTED TO HAVE A SLEEP OVER.

I JUST GO [WISCONSIN DRAWL]

"ABSOLUTELY NOT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"AND I, AND I DON'T HAVE TO

SAY WHY?

OKAY, WHY IS WHY."

[LAUGHTER]

"'CAUSE I'M THE MOM BOSS,

THAT'S WHY."

AND THEN I JUST SORT OF LUNGE,

'CAUSE A FORWARD JAZZY LUNGE

IS NEVER REALLY AN ATTRACTIVE

POSITION.

[LAUGHTER]

I ALSO LOVE IT WHEN MEN TRY

TO ACT REALLY GALLANT AND FANCY

AT REALLY SLOPPY TIMES.

LIKE I WAS LEAVING THIS BAR

WITH MY FRIENDS AT 3:45 IN THE

MORNING WHICH IS LAST CALL FOR

ASS AS WELL SO MEN ARE WALKING

AROUND SHAKING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THESE GUYS WALK UP TO

US, MY FAVORITE TYPES, SORT OF

DATE RAPING JOCKS.

AND THEY GO, "WHAT ARE YOU TWO

LOVELY LADIES..."

AND THEY HE REALLY DID SORT OF

STOP AND VOMIT.

[LAUGHTER]

HE STRUGGLED WITH A VOMIT...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND THEN HE SAID, "...DOING ON

THIS PARTICULARLY LOVELY

EVENING?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO I JUST ANSWERED HIM IN MY

GRANDMOTHER'S VOICE.

I GO, "WELL, ACTUALLY I HAVE

THIS TERRIBLE ITCH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S RIGHT BETWEEN MY CROTCH

AND MY THIGH, AYE.

AND I THINK IF IT KEEPS

BURNING LIKE THIS, I OUGHT TO

JUST SEND MYSELF HOME,

AHHHHHHH."

[LAUGHTE

GOT OUT OF AN INTERRACIAL

RELATIONSHIP.

I WAS THE WHITE ONE AND UH...

[LAUGHTER]

YA KNOW, HE GAVE ME A REALLY

HARD TIME ABOUT BEING WHITE,

YOU KNOW, HE WAS VERY COCKY

ABOUT BEING BLACK.

AND I KNOW RIGHT NOW BLACK MEN

ARE GETTING A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT

OF ASS AND HISTORICALLY THEY

DESERVE IT UH...

BUT HE TREATED ME LIKE BECAUSE

I WAS THE WHITE ONE IN THE

RELATIONSHIP, I OUGHT TO GO TO

HIM IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS

ABOUT BEING COOL AND HE WOULD

EXPLAIN IT ALL TO ME.

YOU KNOW AND THAT'S RIDICULOUS

'CAUSE HE WAS 38 YEARS OLD AND

TECHNICALLY THAT'S OLD SCHOOL

BLACK.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW IF I'M GOING TO GO TO

SOMEONE TO GUIDANCE, IT'S

GONNA BE A NEW MECKA TIMBERLAND

BLACK MAN, NOT A DEY LA SOL,

KID 'N PLAY BLACK MAN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I UH, GAVE HIM BACK HIS

STARTER JACKET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I SAID, "LOOK YOUNG MC,

IT'S OVER."

I WAS IN A CONVENIENCE STORE.

I WENT IN THERE WAS A SIGN

NEAR THE MAGAZINE RACK THAT

JUST SAID, "NO READING."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIKE TO ROCK THE BOAT

SO I JUST GRABBED A BUNCH OF

CANDY BARS AND I WENT UP TO

THE GUY WHO WAS WORKING THERE

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHICH ONE OF

THESE IS A SNICKERS?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS LIKE "I DON'T KNOW MAN,

TAKE ONE OF THE BROWN ONES.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO READ EITHER."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JUST JOINED NEW YORK SPORTS

CLUB, WHICH IS FANTASTIC!

NOW I HAVE A BATHROOM ON EVERY

BLOCK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TAKING THE CLASSES AT MY

GYM, THE FIRST WEEK I GOT

HOOKED.

TUESDAY I TOOK YOGA, WEDNESDAY

PILATE'S, THURSDAY I TOOK TOTAL

BODY CONDITIONING, FRIDAY

I WOKE UP AND I WAS GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS A PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR IN

COLLEGE UH...

[CHEERING]

YEAH.

PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR?

SOMEONE BENEFITING FROM IT?

[LAUGHTER]

I LEARNED IF YOU'RE HAVING AN

ARGUMENT WITH SOMEONE, NEVER

ATTACK THEM WITH YOUR WORDS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

LIKE I ALWAYS WANT TO TELL

MY GIRLFRIEND TO SHUT UP, BUT

INSTEAD I SAY, "WHAT YOU'RE

DOING IS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE

I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

AND THAT WORKS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE ACTUALLY WANTED ME TO TALK

DIRTY TO HER.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T DO IT.

YEAH, I DON'T THINK SHE

REALLY WANTS TO HEAR WHAT

I HAVE TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE SETTLED ON SEXUAL

FANTASIES, YOU KNOW.

THANK GOD I ASKED HER TO TELL

ME WHAT HERS WAS FIRST

'CAUSE THEY WEREN'T EVEN CLOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW HERS WERE ALL ABOUT

ROMANCE AND FEELINGS AND SOME

SORT OF CANDLE.

[LAUGHTER]

MINE ARE JUST POSITIONS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS LIKE, "I WANT TO BE

IN PARIS ON VALENTINE'S DAY"

AND SOME OTHER STUFF, I WASN'T

LISTENING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEN SHE'S LIKE "IT'S YOUR TURN,

HONEY."

I'M LIKE, "GREAT, LET'S TAKE

A LOOK AT MY DIAGRAM."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU TAKE YOUR LEFT LEG AND

PUT IT AT A 45 DEGREE ANGLE

LIKE THIS..."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"JUST REST YOUR OTHER ANKLE IN

THE JELL-O OVER HERE.

YOU PUT THE PUDDING AND THE FORK

AT YOUR SIDE AND TAKE THIS

ISRAELI FLAG AND WAVE THAT

AROUND FOR A WHILE.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, 'CAUSE

HERE'S WHY WE NEED YOUR FRIEND

KATHY..."

[LAUGHTER]

Loading...