Monday, May 16, 2016

  • 05/16/2016

Brandon Johnson, Sinbad and Moshe Kasher guess what the Queen's reaction was to an adorable pony, list services offered at a Burger King spa and #MakeASongWhiter.

Warning: this segmentmay contain small spoilers

for this week's Game of Thrones.

-All right, Sun...-Ooh.

-I know. It's okay, though.-(laughter)

Sunday night, Queen Elizabeth's90th birthday celebration aired

on British television.

To competewith Game of Thrones,

the queen emerged topless from aburning temple as seen here.

(laughter,applause and cheering)

And that's actually her.

She did say...

The queen did admitthis was actually her.

-Um...(laughter)

I'm kidding.She came out bottomless.

There it is.

-Oh, no! -Oh, no! No!-(applause and cheering)

-Cannot see that, man.-No. No.

-Cannot see that.-No.

HARDWICK:The evening was full

of majesty and pageantry,honoring a great monarch,

but of course, the Internetdidn't give a (bleep),

and instead,they focused all of its squee

on the real star of the event--this chubby little white pony.

Look at this guy. Come on!

-♪ -(applause and cheering)

♪ Oh, I believe...

(laughter)

It's very difficult to tell

what's going through the queen'smind right here.

Is she delighted?Is she furious?

Did she just take a caviar dumpin silk diapers?

We don't knowwhat she's doing.

We have no ideawhat the queen is thinking.

Comedians, what did she sayright after seeing

the most adorable pony play?Brandon Johnson, go.

That white horse on its backreminds me of the time

I did cocaine with the Beatles,and they made me airtight.

(laughter and groaning)

(applause and cheering)

Sinbad, go.

Ooh, I finally get a pony.It's small.

(laughter)

Moshe Kasher.

Uh, whoa,that dude has really nice teeth.

-Am I still alive?-(laughter) -HARDWICK: Yeah.

And she thinks in an Americanaccent, I imagine.

-Now, Burger King

is making huge cultural stridesin Finland,

AKA Discount Sweden,

neither of which is Norway.

-Okay. -But we couldn'tresist this pun.

Reservationsfor the spa are currently $285,

while here in America, peopleare getting high cholesterol

and clogged arteriesfor under five bucks.

Diners can have their Whoppersand fries served to them

while they relax in the spa,

'cause nothing makes peoplehungrier than the thought

of eating meat in a hot room

with sweaty seniorswith their balls out.

-(laughter and groaning)-Now, at normal...

"Those are not tater tots."Now...

-(laughter)"But they're on the ground."

"I know. I'm old."

-(applause)-Now...

At normal spas, you can getmassages and facial scrubs,

so, comedians, what are someservices offered

at this BK Spa?

Sinbad.

You get a free massage withthat really creepy king dude,

but you get it your way,and you like it.

-All right. All right.-(laughter)

-Points. Points. -Yeah.-(applause and cheering)

-Uh-huh.-Brandon.

Chicken fingers cometwo in the barbecue sauce,

-one in the stink.-All right. Points.

(laughter,applause and cheering)

I...

I would guess it's excessivelystink after that meal.

-Yeah.-Uh, Moshe Kasher.

Uh, the Whopper is a 7-foot tallViking named Hans.

All right, points.

-Points. Perfect.-(applause)

SINBAD: I'm not saying anything,but he didn't even

-buzz in.-(laughter)

-HARDWICK: Uh...-I... Listen, I don't... I don't

-have to buzz in, okay?-Wait a minute.

I don't even have to buzz inwhen I call 911.

I just say, "Hello. I needhelp," and they're there.

-(laughter)-It's amazing.

(applause)

JOHNSON:I still

don't understand why youcolor-coded the stage?

HARDWICK:I didn't color-code it.

Oh, it's a gradient.

(laughter)

-Yeah.-Yeah.

It's all right.It's all right.

It goes from white, darker,darker, and then Chris.

-Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, I am not...-(laughter)

I am not black.I'm dark white.

(laughter)

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

Next week...next week is the not-Grammys,

AKA The Billboard Music Awards,

which will reportedlyfeature tributes

to the late great purple one,Prince, from Madonna to Rihanna.

They're all gonna bedoing tributes.

But none of them will stack upagainst the scores

of Prince covers that areonline, like this... thing.

♪ I only want to see you

-SINBAD: Stop it. Stop it.Stop it. -♪ Underneath

-Stop it.-♪ The purple rain

-HARDWICK: Oh, wait, wait.-♪ Honey, I know, I know

-SINBAD: Stop it.-♪ I know time's

-♪ I know, I know, I know,I know! ♪ - A-changin'... ♪

KASHER: You know,it sounded really good to me.

(laughter)

Uh, in honor of the two millionPrince covers just like it,

tonight's hashtag is#MakeASongWhiter.

-#MakeASongWhiter.-SINBAD: Yes.

Oh. (bleep).

(laughter, applause, whooping)

Examples might be:"Hello, I'm Chris Hardwick,"

or: "Stairway to Hamptons,"or: "Here Comes the Sunburn."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Moshe Kasher. -"Call the Police."

(laughter)

(applause)

Points to Moshe Kasher.

Points. Sinbad.

Uh, "Play That Funky Music,Brad."

-Yeah, points.-(laughter)

-Moshe.-"Mama Said Take a Time-Out."

-All right, points. Points.-(laughter)

-Brandon. -"My Dad Says I Don'tWork, Work, Work, Work, Work."

-All right, points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Moshe Kasher.

"I Got 99 Problems,But Actually No, Wait,

-I Don't Have Any Problems."-All right, points.

(applause)

Sinbad.

"Please Don't Fight the Power."

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Moshe.-♪ Ivory and ivory...

-(laughter)-Points.

-Brandon. -"Turned Downfor Various Important Reasons."

-All right, points. Perfect.-(laughter)