Extended - Thursday, May 7, 2015 - Uncensored

  • 05/07/2015

Jen Kirkman, Colton Dunn and Blaine Capatch learn about Japan's cry rooms, #AddMomRuinAMovie and list events for a cat-lover's convention in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)SO, MCDONALD'S...

YOU GUYS REMEMBER MCDONALD'S,RIGHT? HUH?

IT'S THIS GOLDEN ARCH PLACE,HAMBURGER PLACE, WHERE YOU GOT

THE PINKEYE IN THE BALL PIT ATGREG THOMPSON'S EIGHTH BIRTHDAY

PARTY?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)WELL, IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO

RECONNECT WITH MOREHEALTH-CONSCIOUS MILLENNIALS,

THEY GAVE THEIR BELOVEDHAMBURGLAR A MODERN MAKEOVER,

AND THE INTERNET WENT FUCKINGNUTS!

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS THE, UH...

YOU GUYS REMEMBER HAMBURGLAR,RIGHT?

THERE'S HAMBURGLAR AS YOUREMEMBER HIM.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: LOOK AT THATLITTLE... LOOK AT THAT LITTLE

IMP THERE.

AND YOU BETTER WATCH OUT.

HE'S GONNA STEAL YOUR BURGER.

>> MM.

>> HARDWICK: FRIENDLY AND FUN,EVEN IF HE HAS A DENTAL PROBLEM.

(LAUGHTER)LET'S SEE HIS NEW MODERN

MAKEOVER.

>> WHOA!

>> HARDWICK: WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING, GROANING)THIS IS...

DID HAMBURGLAR JOIN THE SUICIDESQUAD?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE)

UM...

"HEY!

IF YOU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS,I'M GONNA FUCKING MURDER YOU AND

TURN YOU INTO A HAMBURGER."

SO, THIS NEW GUY DOES CROSSFITAND COCAINE ON THE WEEKENDS, AND

PROBABLY HAS A COUPLE OF, UH,PENDING CHARGES AGAINST HIM.

AND, BY THE WAY, MCDONALD'S,WHILE WE'RE UPDATING OUR

CHARACTERS, MIGHT I SUGGEST THISFOR YOUR NEW GRIMACE?

THERE YOU GO.

>> YEAH, THERE YOU GO.

>> HARDWICK: COME ON.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

AND, ALSO, UH, FUCK IT.

ROB FORD FOR MAYOR MCCHEESE.

>> UH...

>> YEAH.

>> I FEEL SORRY FOR THE GUYINSIDE THAT SUIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NOW, THIS GUY MAY

HAVE STARTED WITH JUST PETTYHAMBURGER THEFT, BUT I'M

GUESSING THAT IS NOT ALL HE ISGUILTY OF, SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT

ELSE DO YOU EXPECT TO FIND ONTHIS MADE-OVER HAMBURGLAR'S RAP

SHEET?

UH, COLTON.

>> WELL, I'M, UH... I'M NOTGONNA SAY WHAT THE CRIME IS, BUT

HE WAS ARRESTED AT A ROADSIDEREST STOP, AND IT WASN'T FOR

STEALING BURGERS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)HE WAS EATING THEM THROUGH THAT

HOLE IN THE STALL.

>> YEAH, MAN.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HE DON'T KNOW WHERE THE

BURGER COME FROM.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW...

>> HE DON'T CARE WHERE THEBURGER COME FROM.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> HE LIKE TO EAT BURGER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE CAPATCH.

>> I'M GONNA SAY QUARTERPOUNDING.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE)

>> NICE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(COLTON LAUGHS)AND I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY A VERY

HEARTFELT THANK YOU AND FAREWELLTO MCDONALD'S, WHO WILL NEVER

SPONSOR THIS PROGRAM AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)BUT COME ON, WHY WOULD YOU DO

THAT!

(LAUGHTER)MOVING ON. LADIES, GRAB YOUR

PASSPORT AND START THINKINGABOUT HOW RYAN GOSLING HAS A

BABY WITH SOMEONE ELSE, BECAUSETHE MITSUI GARDEN YOTSUYA HOTEL

IN TOKYO HAS SET UP CRYING ROOMSSPECIFICALLY FOR YOU!

YAY, JAPAN!

THE ROOMS COME FULLY LOADED WITHLUXURY TISSUES AND WHAT THE

HOTEL DESCRIBES AS, QUOTE,"GIRLY FILMS," AND ARE CURRENTLY

ONLY FOR WOMEN, BUT, CONTRARY TOWHAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS' DADS SAY,

MEN SOMETIMES NEED A GOOD CRY,TOO.

SO, COMEDIANS, WHAT'S SOMETHINGTHAT YOU WOULD WANT IN YOUR

PERFECT CRY ROOM TO HELP YOUOVERCOME YOUR EMOTIONAL

PROBLEMS? JENNIFER KIRKMAN.

>> I THINK I WOULD WANT ATEENAGE JEN KIRKMAN, AND I COULD

SAY TO HER, "NO, IT ACTUALLYDOESN'T GET BETTER."

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)MR. DUNN.

>> YEAH, I'D LIKE A GALLON OFBEN & JERRY'S WITH ACTUAL BEN

FEEDING IT TO ME AND ACTUALJERRY TELLING ME I'M SPECIAL.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY, POINTS.

THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)BLAINE.

>> YOU KNOW, CHRIS, I'D PROBABLYKNOCK A WALL OUT AND OPEN IT UP

INTO MORE OF A CRY DEN.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. THAT'S FAIR.

POINTS. POINTS.

>> A CRY MAN CAVE-- THAT'LL BETHE NEXT THING.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'LL BE THE N...

>> IT'LL BE RIGHT NEXT TO MY CRYPANIC ROOM.

(LAUGHTER)MY PLACE RIGHT NOW, I HAVE TWO

PANIC ROOMS AND ONE AND A HALFPANIC BATHS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: EVERY ROOM'S A CRY

ROOM IF YOU'RE MASTURBATING INIT.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: GRAND THEFT AUTO 5HAS BEEN OUT FOR MORE THAN A

YEAR NOW, BUT FANS ARE STILLFINDING A WAY TO MAKE ITS

ULTRASOPHISTICATED GRAPHICSENGINE DO INNOVATIVE AND

EXCITING THINGS-- AND BY"INNOVATIVE, EXCITING," I MEAN,

UH, COMPLETELY STUPID BUT REALLYFUN.

A YOUTUBE CHANNEL CALLEDABSTRACT MODE RECENTLY POSTED A

VIDEO OF A JUVENILE NEW MOD.

WHAT WAS IT? A...

(MAN CLAPS)STOP APPLAUDING, SIR. UH...

KIRKMAN.

>> I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A PERV,I JUST HAVE A FEELING IT'S THE

PENIS.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

I BELIEVE YOUR PENIS SENSE ISSTRONG, BECAUSE-- LET'S TAKE A

LOOK.

♪ AH.

SO GOOD.

>> WOW, WE HAD TO DIGITIZEDIGITS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. NOW, YOU GUYSCAN'T REALLY SEE IT BECAUSE WE

HAD TO BLUR IT, BUT I ENCOURAGEYOU TO GO ON YOUTUBE AND LOOK AT

THIS, BECAUSE I'M NOT-- THIS ISA SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I

WOULD UTTER: THE DICK PHYSICSARE AMAZING.

I MEAN, IT'S MESMERIZING.

THEY NAILED IT!

THERE'S EVEN, LIKE, APARACHUTING SHOT WHERE IT'S...

YOU SEE HIS TAINT FROM BEHINDAND IT'S, LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)IT'S SO PERFECT.

IT'S MESMERIZING.

SO, COMEDIANS...

FOR BONUS POINTS...

(MOCK SOBBING): WHY AM I JERKINGOFF TO A VIDEO GAME?

(LAUGHTER)WHY?!

(APPLAUSE)>> ALBERT EINSTEIN COINED THE

PHRASE, UH, "DICK PHYSICS,"RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: HE DID, YES, YES.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT'S AMISSION FROM THIS VERSION OF

GTA? JEN.

>> UH, FINDING THE HIDDEN LIFEIN ONE OF HIS BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: UH, COLTON.

>> (LAUGHS): HE DIDN'T AGREE.

>> THE NAME OF THIS MISSION ISCRIMES AND DICK DEMEANORS.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK IT IS,YEAH. POINTS.

UH, BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY,DIRECTED BY WHO?

WOODY ALLEN. HUH?

VERY GOOD.

BLAINE.

>> UH, FRY BACON WITHOUTSCREAMING.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR OUR HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)MOTHER'S DAY IS THIS SUNDAY.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM.

I'LL SEE YOU ON SUNDAY.

I'M GONNA HAVE DINNER WITH MYMOM.

>> AW...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

THEN WE'RE GONNA MAKE OUT.

I'M KIDDING.

(LAUGHTER)SO TO CELEBRATE MOTHER'S DAY,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISADD MOM RUIN A MOVIE, BECAUSE

NOTHING SAYS "I APPRECIATE YOU,MOM" LIKE SUGGESTING THAT HER

PRESENCE RUINS MOVIES.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE MOMMY DAYCARE, OR PAULA BLART: MOM COP...

OR STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT.

MOM? UH, I'M GONNA PUT 60SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

JEN.

>> THE MOMFATHER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YES, COLTON.

>> NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOM.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> MOMMIE MOMMEST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JEN.

>> THE MOMFATHER PART II.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

COLTON.

>> MOMS ON A PLANE.

>> HARDWICK: MOMS ON A PLANE.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)YOU WANT TO SAY IT?

>> YEAH, MAN.

GET THESE MOMS OFF THISMOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. JEN.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> BIRDMOM.

>> HARDWICK: BIRDMOM. GOOD.

POINTS. COLTON.

>> I MEAN, REALLY ANY MOVIE WITHMOM HANKS IN IT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

COLTON.

>> UH, MAGIC MOM XL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> UH, ANAL MOMS VOLUME VI.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY ONESIE AND

DONESIES.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> THEY LOVE ONESIE AND

DONESIES.

>> HARDWICK: ONESIE ANDDONESIES.

>> UH, CHRIS, I WAS TOLD THISWAS GONNA BE OH-NESSIE AND

DOE-NESSIES.

>> IT'S NOT OH-NESSIE ANDDOE-NESSIES, BLAINE, IT'S ONESIE

AND DONESIES.

THE INTERNET IS FULL OFIRREVERENT BABY ONESIES THAT CAN

MAKE ANY UNKNOWING INFANT LOOKLIKE A DOUCHE BAG ON A

BOARDWALK.

SO PUT DOWN THAT E-CIGARETTE ANDLISTEN UP, GARBAGE PARENTS.

THIS NEXT GAME IS PRACTICALLYTHE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK FOR

YOU.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU ANINAPPROPRIATE BABY ONESIE, AND

FOR 250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOTELL ME WHAT THAT BABY'S GONNA

GROW UP TO BE, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S A FUN GAME WE'VE ALLPLAYED.

I THINK IT REALLY DRASTICALLYAFFECTS THE BABIES.

THEY DON'T REALIZE IT, BUTTHEY'RE VERY MALLEABLE, AND WHEN

YOU PUT SHIT-ASS PHRASES ONTHEIR JUMPERS, IT SEEPS INTO

THEIR DNA.

SO STOP MAKING DICK BABIES!

(LAUGHTER)FIRST ONE... FIRST ONE:

"MY DAD CAN EAT MORE BACON THANYOUR DAD."

BLAINE.

>> UH, GONNA GROW UP TO BE,UH, I DON'T KNOW, UH, 385?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)COLTON.

>> I THINK THAT KID'S GONNA GROWUP TO BE A SHAKEY'S PIZZA.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

JEN.

>> THAT KID'S GONNA GROW UP TOBE A REBEL AND BE A VEGAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YES.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

UH, NEXT ONE.

"I HATE MY THIGHS." (GROANS)OH, YEAH, LET'S GIVE BABIES

BODY-IMAGE ISSUES RIGHT OUT OFTHE WOMB.

(HIGH-PITCHED): DOES THIS JUMPERMAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT?

YES, YOU'RE A BABY-- YOU'RE ALLBLUBBER AT THIS POINT.

THAT'S OKAY.

(BELL DINGS)BLAINE.

>> UH, I THINK HE'S GONNA GROWUP TO BE GRIMACE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GRIMACE... GRIMACE HAS A LOT OFBODY IMAGE ISSUES.

I CAN'T HELP IT, RONALD, I EATMY FEELINGS, OKAY?

>> HE USED TO HAVE SIX ARMS ANDHE WOULD STEAL YOUR FUCKING

MILKSHAKES.

HE WAS EVIL, GRIMACE WAS EVIL,AND NOW THEY'RE ALL, LIKE-LIKE,

FLUFFY AND STUFF.

>> EVERYBODY'S JUST FORGETTING.

>> HARDWICK: NO, THAT'S OKAY,ALL OF THE EVIL WENT INTO

HAMBURGLAR.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THINGGOING INTO HAMBURGLAR.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, HE...

WELL, THE... HE'S THE... HE'STHE FUCKING HAMDIDDLER.

>> OH, THAT'S CUTER.

>> HARDWICK: I'M EATIN' YOURBURGER!

(CACKLES)(CHEWING)

YOU GONNA FINISH THOSE FRIES?

WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING HERE?

>> 'CAUSE YOU'RE DIDDLING ME.

WHAT, AM I GONNA LEAVE?

>> HARDWICK: UH, COLTON.

>> WELL, THIS PER... THIS GIRL'SPROBABLY GOING TO GROW UP TO

HATE HERSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE,SO I'D SAY SHE'S GONNA BE A

"REPORTER" FOR TMZ.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

"I LIKE BOYS WITH TATTOOS."

YES, COLTON.

>> THEY'RE GONNA GROW UP TOHEADLINE TUESDAY NIGHTS AT THE

SPEARMINT RHINO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

RIGHT NOW THEY'RE AT THESPEARMINT STUFFED RHINO.

>> AW.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> IT'S THE CUTEST STRIP CLUBEVER.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S ADORABLE.

JEN.

>> OH, UH, THE, UH, SHE'S GONNAGROW UP TO BE, UH, TOMMY LEE'S

NEXT EX-WIFE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS, OKAY,SURE.

>> AND... AND A HEP C CARRIER.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)I'M JUST TRYING TO SPREAD

AWARENESS.

>> HARDWICK: TO-TO BE FAIR, THISBABY DOESN'T GET HEP C UNTIL

SHE'S 23, SO IT'S... IT'S NOT...

THE BABIES AREN'T... THE BABY'SNOT GONNA HAVE HEP C, SO IT'S

NOT GROSS.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, "I EATGLITTER FOR BREAKFAST."

WHY?

YES, JEN.

>> UH, THAT'S GONNA BE AMAGICIAN IN REHAB.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

TH... WH... WAS ENGLISH THISPERSON'S SECOND LANGUAGE?

"I EAT GLITTER FOR BREAKFAST,PRINTED BABY GROW".

>> WHAT'S THAT EVEN MEAN?

>> HARDWICK: BLAINE.

>> UH, CHRIS, I THINK HE'S GONNAGROW UP TO, UH, BE

GARY GLITTER'S CELLMATE.

>> HARDWICK: OH, SHIT, YES,POINTS.

OH.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

>> HARDWICK: LAST ONE.

"HAVE YOU SEEN MY FORESKIN?"COME ON.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT GOTTAKEN AWAY-- IT COULD BE VERY

IMPRESSIVE AND THE BABY'S LIKE,"HAVE YOU SEEN...

THIS IS THE TURTLENECK OFFORESKINS."

BLAINE.

>> I THINK THIS KID IS GONNAGROW UP TO BE...

DICK TIP, PI.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I'M SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT OUTSUNGLASSES TO SELL IT.

>> DICK TIP.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,PUT THAT BACK ON.

YOU LOOK LIKE THE HAMBURGLAR'SAGENT.

>> I CAN GET YOU A MEDIUM, I CANGET YOU A LARGE, I CAN... GONNA-

GONNA GET YOU A SUPER SIZE KID.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,BUST A MOVE OR BUST A HIP.

NOW...

YOU MIGHT THINK GRANDPARENTS ARELAME, BUT GUESS AGAIN,

DISRESPECTFUL YOUTHS.

THE INTERNET WILL HAVE YOU KNOWTHEY'RE NOT ALL BRITTLE BONES

AND WAR STORIES.

SOME OF THEM CAN STILL CUT ARUG.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU AN ELDERLYCITIZEN AND FOR 250 POINTS, I

WANT YOU TO GUESS WHETHER THEYBUST A MOVE OR BUST A HIP.

FIRST ONE-- HOW ABOUT THIS SWEETLADY?

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN HERE?

COLTON.

>> YEAH, I SEEN THAT GIRL IN THECLUB, SHE ABOUT TO BUST A MOVE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

♪ >> MM, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

OH!

>> YEAH, THAT'S MY GIRL.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NICE.

>> THAT WAS THE BEST.

>> THAT'S MY GIRL.

>> HARDWICK: I LOVE THAT STRIPCLUB, THE GREY KITCHEN.

IT'S A GREAT...

>> THAT'S ALSO WHAT SHE CALLSHER HOO-WEEN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THE DRAPES DOMATCH THE CARPET.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THEY DO.

>> BOOM.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, UP HERE.

YEAH, THEY DO.

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> OH, I LIKE HER.

>> HARDWICK: COME ON, FELLAS,HARDWOOD FLOORS.

UH, NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS POOLSIDEGRANDDAD-- BUST A MOVE OR BUST

A HIP?

OH.

>> I...

>> HARDWICK: JEN, THIS, YES.

>> I'M TORN, BECAUSE IT'S SOOBVIOUS THAT I WANT TO SAY BUST

A HIP.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'S...

>> BUT-BUT... I'M GONNA GO WITHIT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

>> GO, HERE WE GO...

>> OH!

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: GUYS, GUYS, DON'TWORRY, HE DIED.

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS GRANDMA STIRRINGA HOT POT OF SOMETHING?

WHAT'S SHE GOT GOING ON THERE,BLAINE?

>> I THINK SHE IS GOING TO BUSTA...

LET ME SEE IF I PRONOUNCE THISRIGHT-- MOVE?

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> ♪ ICE, ICE, BABY >> OH, YEAH.

>> ♪ ICE, ICE, BABYALL RIGHT, STOP ♪

>> HARDWICK: YUP, YOU WERERIGHT.

WHY...

>> CHRIS?

>> HARDWICK: WHY, THAT'S THEBEST MOVEMENT I'VE HAD ALL

MONTH.

>> CAN I-CAN I BE AN ANNOYINGCHOREOGRAPHER?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER TOGET ICE OUT OF THE FRIDGE ON

THAT ONE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, THAT'S, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, WHAT A BITCH.

FOR NOT BEING ON THE NOSE.

>> I HATE HER.

>> I'M JUST GLAD SHE DIDN'TSCALD THAT DOG.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS BESWEATEREDGENTLEMAN THERE, UH, COLTON?

>> YEAH, MAN, WE USED TO DANCEBATTLE AGAINST EACH OTHER, SO I

KNOW FOR A FACT HE GONNA BUST AMOVE BUT THEN BUST A HIP.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SSEE.

♪ >> THAT'S IT, THAT'S THE MOVE.

>> HARDWICK: OH! OH!

>> OH, HE WAS... HE WASSQUEEZING HIS NIPPLES.

>> HARDWICK: HOW FUNNY IF HE HADPRE-RIGGED THAT WITH BABY POWDER

TO SQUIRT OUT...

>> I SWEAR I HEARD SOMETHINGCRACK.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> HIS NIPPLES WERE SO LOW.

HE WAS, LIKE, SQUEEZING DOWNHERE.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, THE-THENIPPLES-- YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHERE THE BALLS ARE.

>> NO, THEY'RE OUT OF FRAME.

>> THEY'RE ON THE TABLE.

>> I THINK HE WAS TESTING FOR,UH, TESTICLE CANCER.

>> HARDWICK: UH, OLD PEOPLE--THEY'RE JUST LIKE US.

LAST ONE.

CLASSY GRANNY-- BUST A MOVE ORBUST A HIP?

UH, JEN.

>> I DON'T WANT HER TO, BUTSHE'S GONNA BUST A HIP.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, GUYS, GUESSWHAT-- TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

IT'S BOTH.

♪ >> OH, NO.

>> OH, AAH!

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

BUT LOOK-- SHE'S HAVING A GOODTIME, SHE'S SO MEDICATED SHE

WE JUMP TO OUR NEXT GAME...

♪ CATCON, CATCOFF ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT!

MOVE OVER, COMIC, THERE'S A NEWCON IN TOWN-- IT'S CATCON.

THAT'S RIGHT, AN ENTIRECONVENTION DEVOTED TO CATS!

THE AMAZING TWIST: CATS AREN'TALLOWED IN.

SUCK IT, CONCERNED KITTEN!

YEP. THE FI...

>> THAT'S TOO BAD.

>> HARDWICK: NO, FUCK THAT CAT!

FUCK THAT CAT!

>> WHOA, HOMIE.

>> I LIKE HIS LITTLE HEAD.

>> HARDWICK: YOU CAN'T GET IN!

'CAUSE YOU'RE WHITE!

>> NOW, YOU KNOW THAT AIN'TTRUE.

YOU KNOW THAT'S A LIE.

>> IN THE FUTURE, IT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: IN THE FUTURE, IT'STRUE.

>> I HOPE SO.

>> HARDWICK: THE F...

THE FINE PRINT SPECIFIES THATCATCON IS NOT A CONVENTION FOR

CATS BUT FOR CAT PEOPLE.

UH, SO IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU CANGET A POWERFUL CONTACT

DEPRESSION IN THERE, SO EVENTSON THE CATCON CALENDAR INCLUDE

PHOTOGRAPHING CATS-- IT LOOKSEASY, BUT IT'S NOT OR GOOD-BYE,

DOWDY, HELLO, GORGEOUS,DEBUNKING THE CAT LADY MYTH.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY

CATCON-WORTHY EVENTS AS YOU CANIN 60 SECONDS.

AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)YES, BLAINE.

>> PEANUT BUTTER, THE WIDOW'SFRIEND.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: UH... JEN.

>> UH, GET A TUXEDO CAT SOSITTING AROUND IN YOUR OLD

WEDDING DRESS WON'T SEEM AS SAD.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)C-COLTON.

>> FROM LITTER TO GLITTER: HOWTO TURN YOUR CAT FECES INTO FUN

PARTY FAVORS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, BLAINE.

>> LOVING MONDAYS AND HATINGLASAGNA: DEALING WITH YOUR CAT'S

DYSLEXIA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)COLTON.

>> CAT RAPS: RAPPIN' WITH CAT.

WITH SPECIAL GUEST MC SKAT KAT.

>> HARDWICK: YES! AMAZING.

(BELL DINGS)>> AH. MY BUZZER'S BROKEN.

>> HARDWICK: UH, YOU'RE FINE.

COLTON.

>> HOW TO PLAN THE PURR-FECTFELINE FUCKFEST.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> HOW TO KEEP YOUR CAT FROMJUMPING ON THE BED AND

INTERRUPTING SEX.

OH, WAIT...

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)COLTON.

>> DOG PEOPLE-- FUCK THEM.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS!

PERFECT.