Thursday, June 12, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01078
  • 06/12/2014

Ali Wong, Jimmy Pardo and Ian Edwards list #FathersDayBands, write taglines for bizarre items being sold on Craigslist and come up with groan-worthy dad jokes.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET HEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

(APPLAUSE)

IT'S THE BONNAROO MUSIC ANDARTS FESTIVAL THIS WEEKEND

WHICH MEANS RURAL TENNESSEE WILLSOON BE HOME TO TWEAKED OUT

FREAKS.

NOW, I'M FROM TENNESSEE AND THISIS WHAT HAPPENS.

>> THESE TWO REDDITORSPOSTED "FINALLY, I FINISHED

OUR COSTUMES JUST IN TIMEFOR ROO.

IF YOU SEE US FRIDAYS NIGHTSTOP AND SAY HELLO."

UM. UUUMMM.

DO THEY MEAN IF THEY SEE YOUFRIDAY NIGHT AFTER YOU'VE SHUT

YOUR EYES IN A DRUG INDUCEDSLUMBER.

FORGET HELLO.

COMEDIANS, IF YOU SEE THESEROLLING NIGHTMARES AT BONNAROO

WHAT WOULD YOU STOP AND SAY? ALIWONG.

>> WOW, THERE IS SOMEBODYFOR EVERYBODY.

>> I LIKE TO THINK THEY DIDN'TALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER AND

THEY JUST MET LIKE THAT.

JIMMY PARDO.

>> HEY, WHAT IS THE CURRENTHIGH BID TO KILL YOU?

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

>> IAN EDWARDS.

>> GREAT, HOW ARE WE GOINGTO GET THE DRUGS OUT OF OUR

POCKETS NOW.

(LAUGHTER)>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HERE TO

HELP US WITH OUR NEXT RAPIDREFRESH QUESTION FROM THE

ONCE AND SOON TO BE READINGRAINBOW, LEVAR BURTON!

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> THIS MAN!

THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE.

THESE ARE YOUR SUBJECTS, SIR.

WOW!

>> THANK YOU.

>> THANKS FOR BEING HERE,THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK

YOU.

AND ALSO THANK YOU TOEVERYONE WHO HAS DONATED TO

THE READING RAINBOWKICKSTARTER.

SO FAR YOU ARE ALLBUTTERFLIES IN THE SKY IN MY

HEART.

>> YES.

>> YOU GUYS CRUSHED IT! I'M SOGLAD.

>> THIS ACTUALLY GIVES MEFAITH IN THE INTERNET AND

HUMANITY.

>> IT DOES, DOESN'T IT.

>> IT IS NICE, YEAH.

>> BUT THERE ARE STILL SOMEDOUBTERS OUT THERE.

>> YOU WANT ME TO KILL THEM,I WILL KILL THEM.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,.

SO I WANTED TO SHOW YOURAUDIENCE THE EFFECT ON A

GENERATION OF KIDS WHO GREWUP WITHOUT READING RAINBOW.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> TO DO THAT I AM GOING TOREAD YOU SOME WORDS I FOUND

ON URBANDICTIONARY.COM ANDTHEIR DEFINITIONS.

>> SURE.

>> OKAY.

SO CRAYDAR IS DEFINED AS AMAN'S ABLE TO SEE WHETHER OR

NOT A WOMAN BE CRAY CRAY ORNOT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.

>> OKAY, SO COMEDIANS, MYQUESTION FOR YOU IS HOW IS

THE WORD "BOOK" DEFINED ONURBAN DICTIONARY.

IS IT A, AN OBJECT USED AS ACOASTER TO INCREASE THE

HEIGHT OF SMALL CHILDREN ORINCREASE THE STABILITY OF

FURNITURE AND BEFORE YOUANSWER I MUST POINT OUT THAT

ON URBAN DICTIONARY.COMHEIGHT IS SPELLED H-I-G-H-T.

IF THAT GUY HAD READING RAINBOW,HE WOULD'VE SPELLEED IT RIGHT.

>> I'M JUST SAYING.

>> OR B, IS IT AN OBJECTYOUR GRANDMA USES TO HIT YOU

WHEN YOU INTERRUPT HERVIEWING OF AN EPISODE OF NCIS

>> YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TODO THAT.

OR IS IT C, AN OBJECT HOBOS USETO START FIRES?

>> IT FEELS LIKE ALL OF THEM.JIMMY?

>> I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITHALL OF THEM.

I WOULD GO -- I'M A FAN OFB.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH B.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, INFACT, A.

NO POINTS.

HERE'S THE TRICK, TO SPOTTHE REAL ONE IN @MIDNIGHT,

LOOK FOR THE SPELLING ERROR,THAT'S THE ONE THAT CAME FROM

THE INTERNET

>> THESE PEOPLE DID NOT KNOWWHAT A BOOK WAS.

GUYS, PLEASE SUPPORT READINGRAINBOW KICKSTARTER.

HELP READING RAINBOW.COM SOTHAT KIDS REMEMBER WHAT

BOOKS ARE AGAIN.

GIVE IT UP FOR LEVAR BURTON.

>> THANK YOU, CONGRATULATIONS.

>> THANK YOU.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

FATHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY SOLET'S GIVE THE GIFT OF MUSIC

WITH TONIGHT'S HASHTAGFATHER'S DAY BANDS.

EXAMPLES-- OH, LOOK AT THISUNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS.

SOMEONE IS VERY SURPRISEDBY THAT.

>> THATS WITH A VERY FATHERACTION.

>> OH, WE GET OUR OWNHASHTAG GAME?

ALSO WHAT IS A HASHTAG?

(LAUGHTER)>> EXAMPLES WOULD BE DADFINGER

-- THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT.

>> YES T DOES.

>> USUALLY.

>> OR THE CURE FOR ERECTILEDYSFUNCTION THOSE ARE DAD

BANDS, 60 SECONDS, GO.

>> JIMMY PARDO.

>> CIALIS COOPER.

>> WONDERFUL, POINTS.

>> MUMFORD.

>> WELL PLAYED, POINTS. ALIWONG.

>> NAT KING COLONOSCOPY.

>> YES, GOOD ONE.

>> THAT WOULD DEFINITELY BEUNFORGETABLE. JIMMY.

>> STEVIE RAY VAUGHNMOWER.

>> POINTS.

>> JIMMY [BLEEP] PARDO.

>> IS MY BUTTON EVEN WORKING.

>> NO IT'S NOT.

>> I CAME TO PLAY, BABY.

DINOSAUR SENIOR.

>> YES, GOOD. POINTS. IAN, BUZZIN!

>> SLY AND THE FAMILYSTATION WAGON.

>> YES GOOD, OF COURSE. JIMMY.

>> LA-Z-BOY II MEN.

>> THE STROKE.

GOOD JOB, POINTS.

>> PAT BOONE BONE ANDHARMONY.

>> ALI.

>> THE ROLLING KIDNEY STONES.

>> YEP. IAN EDWARDS.

>> IF I CAN GET MY HAND ONTHE KID WITHOUT KEEPS

SMASHING PUMPKINS.

CRAIGSLIST KILLER DEALS.

YOU CAN BUY ANYTHING ONCRAIGSLIST WHAT AMAZON.COM

WOULD BE IF IT WAS RUN BYPRISON INMATES.

>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUSOMETHING BEING SOLD

EXCLUSIVELY ON CRAIGSLIST.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT TO YOUGIVE A GREAT TAGLINE TO SELL IT

>> FIRST ONE, DOLL HEADS, ARMSAND LEGS.

>> THEY BELONG TO MY WIFE'SGRANDMOTHER, WHO NEVER GOT

THE CHANCE TO MAKE THE BODIES.

>> ANYONE GIVE ME A TAGLINE. IANEDWARDS.

>> MINE IS, TORSO NOTINCLUDED BECAUSE I'M NOT

DONE [BLEEP] IT YET.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS.

>> YEAH.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> OKAY.

I'M NOT GOING TO TOP THAT ONE.

>> NEXT ONE ARE YOU GOINGBUY.

>> I'M TO THE GOING TO TOPTHAT.

>> OKAY, GUYS 2010 AVOCADOFOR SALE, $500.

>> I WILL THROW IN A BUMPERSTICK THEIR SAYS MY OTHER

CAR IS A YAM.

>> GOOD, POINTS.

GOOD ONE.

>> INCREDIBLE HULK'S BUTSACK ONWHEELS.

>> YES.

>> I IMAGINE THAT'S WHAT ITWOULD LOOK LIKE.

>> VERY ANGRY, POINTS.

>> YOU WANT TO SEE HIM MAD.

>> NEXT ONE.

>> PLEATHER CHAIR INEXCELLENT CONDITION.

>> YES.

>> FOR SALE, WHACKING CHAIR.

LOTS OF MEMORIES.

LOCAL PICKUP ONLY.

(APPLAUSE)>> YES.

>> ATTABOY.

>> IF THIS COULD TALK ITWOULD JUST SAY-- PLEASE CALL

THE POLICE!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'SHAPPENING.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW A CHAIRGETS LIKE THAT.

IT MUST BE -->> BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN.

BUT GUYS GET IT.

WE ALL GET IT.

WE ALL GOT IT YOU KNOW, LOOK,IT'S NOT TOO MUCH OF A

WINDOW INTO MY LIFEBUT-- THIS CHAIR'S GOT

WHEELS AND A HARD FLOOR.

YOU GOT A PLANT TO KEEP THATTHING FROM FIRING BACK

AGAINST THE WALL IT IS ACOMPLETE-- NEXT ONE.

>> LAST ONE.

>> PRECUT GLORY HOLE DOOR.

THIS CONSEQUENT GENTLY USEDSOLID BODY DOOR PRECUT, NOT

GUARANTEED FOR ALL USERS.

>> FREE TO THE FIRST PERSONTO PICK IT UP.

YOURS IN CHRIST.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TOLET HIM IN BUT IT'S OKAY IF

HE COMES INSIDE.

EVENT OR INVENTED.

>> I'M GOING TO READ YOU APAIR OF EVENTS AND YOU HAVE TO

GUESS WHICH IS MADE UP ANDWHICH IS AN ACTUAL EVENT

FROM EVENTBRITE.COM THAT PEOPLEWILL ACTUALLY ATTEND UNDER THEIR

REAL NAMES WITHOUT A DISGUISE

FIRST ONE THINGS PEOPLE DOWHEN THEY ARE DESPERATE OR

GIVING UP.

DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOUYOU CAN'T BE A QUITTER.

>> EVERYONE IS COMPLETELYSTIMIED BY THIS. JIMMY.

>> LISTEN, YOU YOU KNOW I LIKEB.

I'M GOING TO GO WITH GIVINGUP, DON'T LET ANYONE KNOW

YOU CAN'T BE A QUITTER.

>> LET'S A FIND OUT.

THINGS PEOPLE DO WHENTHEY'RE DESPERATE, SORRY.

>> EVERYONE WAS REALLYSTUMPED ON THAT ONE.

I WAS GOING TO GO FOR THEFIRST ONE BECAUSE I HAVE

BEEN TO IT.

(LAUGHTER)>> JUST TO LOOK FOR CHICKS

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

>> NEXT ONE INIFIDELITYRECOVERY COACH CERTIFICATION

OR DOUBLE WITH NO TROUBLEHOW TO LEAD A STRESS-FREE

SECRET LIFE.

>> ALI WONG.

>> I THINK IT'S DOUBLE WITHNO TROUBLE.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> INFIDELITY RECOVERY.

THIS UNIQUE SEVEN STEPINFIDELITY RECOVERY PROGRAM.

>> WHAT ARE THE SEVEN STEPS,DON'T [BLEEP] OTHER PEOPLE,

DON'T [BLEEP] OTHER PEOPLE,DON'T [BLEEP] OTHER PEOPLE?

DOGGONE DAD JOKES

REMEMBER PICTURES OF

DOGS SITTING IN THE DRIVERSSEAT OF CARS LIKE THIS ONE,

HIT THE INTERNET, THECOMMENT SECTION IS ALWAYS

FLOODED WITH DAD JOKES LIKEI GUESS THEY'RE TAKING THE

SCENIC ROOF.

IN HONOR OF FATHER'S DAYUNLEASH YOUR INNER DAD AND

GIVE YOUR MOST GROWN WORTHYDAD JOKES FROM THIS ADORABLE

PICTURE.

GO.

>> HE COULDN'T AFFORD THAT,IT MUST BE A LEASH.

>> NICE.

>> PUT THAT CAR INNEUTER-AL.

>> YEAH, GOOD, POINTS. JIMMY.

>> THE FAST AND THEFURRIEST.

>> YES.

>> THAT DRIVER'S A REALBITCH.

>> YES SO, GOOD, POINTS.

>> IAN EDWARDS.

>> HE GOT TWO TICKETS, ONEFOR PARKING AT THE HYDRANT

AND ONE FOR PEEING ON IT.

>> POINTS. ANYONE ELSE, ALI.

>> I WONDER HOW HE IS ATPARALLEL BARKING.

>> GOOD. POINTS.

>> ASS, GRASS, OR SNAUSAGES,NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE.

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