Officer Jay

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 02/01/2007

Sarah gets picked up on a DUI, and Brian insists that he's a bisexual.

contains full frontaljew-dity.

[upbeat folksy guitarsong intro, rooster crows]

♪ I always wake upwith the morning sun ♪

♪ I always take my pillswith herbal tea ♪

♪ I always never cry,and I've always wondered why ♪

♪ I always have to watch myselfwhen I go pee ♪

♪ I really love my life

♪ And I'll also tell you what

♪ If I find a stick I'll put itin your mama's butt ♪

♪ And pull it out and stickthe doody in her eye ♪

♪ And pull it out and stick

♪ The doody in her eye ♪

Good morning, Laura,my adorable little sister.

Brian, Steve,

my two gay friends.

Actually, I'm bisexual.

Oh, my God.


Brian, you're gay.

Don't start this.


When have you everbeen with a woman?

Guys, don't fight.

You should love each other,

and be sweetand good-looking,

like me and Laura.

Oh, thanks.


Uck![all groan]

I thoughtyou sounded stuffy.Thank you.

Yeah, maybe you're gettingbisexual germs from Brian.

There is a time and a placefor this conversation.

Name three partsof a woman's vagina.

The labia,the fallopian tube,

the...bumpy thing.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

It doesn't prove anything!

Here, take this.

Go get yourself somecold medicine right away.

You don't wannabe too sick for us

to watch Cookie Party tonight.

Don't even say that.

Nothing would ever comebetween me and you

watching our favoriteTV show together.

Not even if I was in a comawith double "pneumona."

You know,it is kind of cool

the way you guys havethis standing date every week.

I mean, most girlsyour age

would have totallymoved on by now.

You know,had relationships and kids.

Oh, no, Cookie Party

is our relationshipsand kids.

Nice one.

Thank you, and on that note,I'm outta here.

Take it easy.Take it sleazy.


[techno dance music plays]

God. Whoa.

She's neverhad any lessons.

Ohh, no thank you!

Ooh, this one's orange.

Mmm. Here we go.


Oh, that's the one.

That is good.

"Maximum Strength.Nighttime use only."

Like my body knowswhat time it is.


[upbeat rock music]

[loud roaring]

[music slows down]

[whimsical children's music]



[voice slow, distorted]It's beautiful.

Ooh, Scott Land!


Hey, Sarah!

You look really thin.

You should eat something.

Oh, Loch Ness Monster,you're the best!

I am!

[both laughing]

We're terrifictogether.[knocking]

I love you!

Ma'am, do you know whyI'm standing here?

You got all-seasonhigh school?

Have you been drinking?

Huh? No.I--I got tired,

and I thought this would bea good place to pull over.

[cookies screaming]



(high-pitched voices) ♪ Cookie Party, Cookie Party, Cookie Party ♪

(male announcer) Let's get ready to crumble!

You folks ready to vote?

I'm voting forthe vanilla haystack.

Oh, me too. Really?

No other cookieeven compares to it.

I know, because it's

traditionallya chocolate cookie,

but the vanilla reallylets the coconut sing.

It gives it a--


♪ Cookie Party ♪

♪ Give me somethin'...

to feel.

♪ Cookie Party ♪

♪ When she's not here,nothing's real ♪

[harmony]♪ I can't believeshe left me ♪

♪ To go and see him

♪ I can't believeshe chose him ♪

♪ Over me and

♪ Cookie Party ♪

[echoing]♪ Cookie Party ♪

♪ Cookie Party ♪

[echoing]♪ Cookie Party ♪

♪ Why's my sistersuch a dick? ♪

[owl hooting]


What's different about you?

Did you shave your beard?

Some cookie partythis turned out to be.