Thursday, May 22, 2014

  • 05/22/2014

Jen Kirkman, Greg Fitzsimmons and Doug Benson guess which Pac-Man item on Etsy is the most expensive, #MakeASongDepressing and come up with weirdly specific Spotify playlists.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WAIT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

OF THE JURY, IT'S TIME FOR@MIDNIGHT COURT.

ACCORDING TO AN AMAZING STORY ONUPROXX.COM, THE HOUSTON MAN

PICTURED HERE, AKA THEPLAINTIFF, IS SUING TO GET WHAT?

A, A MARRIAGE LICENCE FORHIM AND HIS REAL DOLL.

B, DAMAGES FROM KINKOS FORFIRING HIM AFTER CRYING IN

THE BREAK ROOM.

C, THE RETURN OF HIS HARRYPOTTER DVD FROM A STRIPPER

NAMED NOMI.

>> JEN.

>> I KNOW THIS IS RIGHT, C.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, INFACT, C.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)SO HERE'S HOW THIS PLAYED

OUT.

>> HE SAYS HE LOANED THEDANCER ABOUT TWO GRAND AND

WANTS IT BACK ALONG WITH ALAPTOP AND SOME DVDs.

>> NOW PUTTING MONEY INSOMEONE'S UNDERWEAR IS NOT A

LOAN.

(LAUGHTER)NOW THIS GUY THINKS HE'S

DATING A STRIPPER, GIVES HERMONEY AND GIFTS AND LATER SAYS

HE WANTS IT BACK. HOW DOESTHE DEFENDANT ARGUE?

>> I'VE GIVEN HIM GIFTS TOO,YOU KNOW, I MEAN HOW DO I GET MY

BOOTY AND BOOBS BACK BACK?

>> REPORTING LIVE FROM HOUSTON,RANDY WALLACE FOX 26 NEWS.

>> HE'S NEVER GOING TO SEE HERHAIRY POTTER AGAIN.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THANK YOU.

>> TECHNICALLY I THINK HERSMIGHT BE A HAGRID.

(LAUGHTER)BUT WAIT, GUYS WE'RE COMPLETELY

IGNORING THE REAL VICTIM, WHO IBELIEVE IS RANDY WALLACE

WHO PROBABLY WENT TO JOURNALISMSCHOOL AND HE HAS TO GO DOWN

THERE AND DO THIS REPORT INFRONT

OF A STRIP CLUB THAT HE'SPROBABLY GOING GO INTO AS

SOON AS THE CAMERAS ARE OFF.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT IS RANDYWALLACE'S NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> THERE IS A MASTURBATIONEPIDEMIC, I'M HERE REPORTING

LIVE FROM THE PINEWOOD NURSINGHOME I'M RANDY WALLACE.

>> PINEWOOD, NICE.

>> OH.

>> GREG FITZSIMMONS.

>> RANDY WALLACE'S NEXTASSIGNMENT I BELIEVE IS

PLEASURING THE CIRCUMFERENCEOF HOLES ON I-95.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW THE ONLYWAY TO END A REPORT LIKE

THAT IS USING A STALL WHEN THEMICROPHONE COMES THROUGH THE

HOLE, RARPTING LIVE, FROM I-95,RANDY WALLACE.

GUYS ON THIS DAY THERE 1980PACMAN WAS RELEASED IN ARCADES

THIS WAS A SIMPLER TIME WHENVIDEO GAMES WERE NO MORE

THAN CIRCLES EATING OTHERCIRCLES AN NARRY AN AUTO WAS

GRAND THEFTED NOR APROSTITUTE BEATEN.

PACMAN IS STILL A CULTURALFORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH,

SO MUCH SO THAT HE INSPIRESA TON OF WEIRD FAN ART, SO

WHICH OF THESE IS PAC-CRAFTSON ETSY IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE?

A, THIS 8-BIT BIKINI. NOT YESHER CLITORIS IS THE POWER PILL

YES, IT WILL MAKE YOUINVULNERABLE TO GHOST ATTACKS

B, THIS PACMAN PIPE FORTOBACCO USE ONLY.

C, THIS PAINTING OF JESUS FROMTHE BIG LEBOWSKI LICKING

MISS PACMAN.

DOUG.

>> B, CUZ I CAN'T WAIT TO PUTTOBACCO IN THAT PIPE.

>> YES.

WELL, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,IN FACT, A.

THAT 8-BIT BIKINI

>> I'LL PUT TOBACCO IN THAT.

(LAUGHTER)FOR BONUS PONTS, WHAT IS THE

SECRET FACT WE MIGHT NOTKNOW ABOUT PACMAN.

>> HE HAS JAUNDICE.

>> YES, I WILL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR JAUNDICE

WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SAIDBEFORE.

DOUG.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLEDON'T KNOW ABOUT HIM, HE'S A

GEMINI.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

I WILL GIVE POINTS.

>> HE EATS HIS FEELS.

(LAUGHTER)COME ON, MORE POINTS.

>> NO YOU JUST GET THE ONEPOINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)TODAY'S MORRISSEY'S BIRTH

DAY, IT'S A BIRTHDAY,BIRTHDAY, IT'S A BIRTHDAY.

BECAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD TOBUY HIM A CAKE, WE -- MADE OUT

OF TEARS WE DECIDED TO HASHTAGTHE GAME FOR HIM, SO TONIGHT'S

#IS MAKE A SONG DEPRESSING.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE KARMAPOLICE BRUTALITY.

OR LIKE A ROLLING KIDNEYSTONE.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK STARTINGNOW.

>> SWEET DEAD CAROLINE.

>> SMOKING IN THE BOYS ROOMCUZ THE GIRLS ARE MEAN TO ME.

>> I KNOW THAT ONE.

>> THE RECTUM OF EDMUNDFITZGERALD.

>> THE THEME FROM ROCKY --DENNIS.

OH, GOD.

POINTS.

>> LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY,HE HAS LEUKEMIA.

>> THAT WOULD MAKE A SONGDEPRESSING, POINTS.

>> CRAPPY, INSTEAD OF HAPPY.

(APPLAUSE)ALL RIGHT, THE CROWD IS

SUPPORTING THE POINTS THERE.

>> I'M CRAPPY, CRAPPY,CRAPPY.

>> STOP DOING IT.

>> DETROIT, DETROIT, INSTEADOF NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

>> NICE, GOOD, POINTS.

>> SMART ONE.

>> REAL GOOD.

>> TOTALLY [BLEEP] WHEN IFART.

>> OH, INSTEAD OF TOTAL ECLIPSEOF THE HEART

>> THERE'S NOTHING I CAN SAY, I TOTALLY [BLEEP] WHEN I FART.

>> I WANNA HOLD YOUR HANDIN HOSPICE.

IT IS NOW TIME TO PLAYX MARKS THE ART SO TO HELP

ME INTRODUCE THIS IS ONE OFTHE STARS OF "X-MEN:DAYS OF

FUTURE PAST" OPENING FRIDAY,ICEMAN HIMSELF SHAWN ASHMORE

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> HELLO.

>> HOW ARE YOU, MAN.

>> WELCOME, LET US SHARE THEPODIUM.

>> THANK YOU, GUYS.

VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

>> YES, I KNOW.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME,CHRIS, LISTEN, X-MEN FANS

ARE PASSIONATE AND NOWHEREARE THEY MORE PASSIONATE

THAN DEVIANT ART.COM SO ONEOF MY FAVORITES IS THIS

PAPARAZZI PHOTO OF ME. I'M JUSTBROING OUT, EATING ICE CREAM.

>> THERE ARE YOU, LOOK ATTHAT. JUST HAGING OUT.

>> NOW, THIS IS A DRAWING,RIGHT, SHAWN.

>> HUH?

>> ARE YOU-- SORRY.

>> I WAS JUST ATTRACTED BYTHE NIPPLE DETAIL, IT'S NICE.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT IS.

ISN'T IT?

>> IT'S PRETTY AMAZING.

ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY.

>> THIS ONE IS JUST SLOWLYSTARTING TO FREEZE OVER.

>> IT'S NICE DETAIL, ITHINK.

>> IT REALLY CAPTURED ME WELL.

>> THERE'S ANOTHER FAVORITEPICTURE THAT A FAN TOOK OF ME

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO JUDGEME, IT WAS --

>> OH, SURE.

>> LISTEN, IT WAS COLD, ITWAS COLD, THERE WAS A LITTLE

BIT OF SHRINKAGE.

>> A LITTLE, DO MEAN YOUHOLDING YOUR TINY SELF IN YOUR

HAND.

>> THIS IS SHRINKAGE.

I SAID THERE WAS SHRINKAGE,I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

I HAVE A QUESTION, IF I GOT ABLACK EYE COULD ICEMAN

TEABAG ME TO MAKE THESWELLING GO DOWN.

>> FOR YOU, I WOULD DO THAT.

>> OKAY, GOOD.

>> SHALL WE INTRODUCE THEGAME.

>> OK, COMEDIANS CHRIS IS GOINGSHOW YOU PICTURES FROM

DEVIANT ART THAT ALL SEEMS ALITTLE SUPERHEROISH.

SO I WANT YOU TO GIVE THE THINGIN THE PICTUREA SUOERHERO NAME

>> GREAT, SHAWN ASHMORE,EVERYONE. GO SEE X-MEN.

>> ALL RIGHT, SO LIKE SHAWNSAID, I'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE EACH

OF THESE WORKS OF ART ASUPERHERO NAME.

HOW ABOUT THIS MUSCULARMANICORN.

>> DENISE.

>> POINTS, POINTS NEXT ONE.

>> THIS WOMAN WITH A GIANTBLUNT THAT'S LARGE AND IN CHARGE

>> LOOK WHO FINALLY CAME TOLIFE IN THIS GAME.

YES, DOUG BENSON.

>> MRS. DOUG BENSON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE. NEXTONE.

>> LOOK AT THIS COUCH POTATO.

>> YEAH, GREG.

>> NICE PERSONALITY WOMAN.

>> POINTS. POINTS.

>> WONDER WHERE MY VAGINA ISWOMAN.

(APPLAUSE)POINTS. LAST ONE.

>> THIS GINGERHORSE. THISGINGERHORSE.

>> OH MY.

>> YES, DOUG.

>> HALF-ASSED.

>> OH, NICE, YEAH, POINTS.

>> ALLY McBESTIALITY.

>> GOOD, POINTS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWEDYOU THESE PICTURES OF A

GERMAN KID WITH 25 BODYPIERCINGS WHO CALLS HIMSELF

BODYMODED PUNKY.

I ASKED YOU TO WRITE A MOREAPPROPRIATE NAME FOR THIS

KIND OF THING.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE,JEN KIRKMAN.

>> SPIKE JONES-ING FORATTENTION.

>> NICE.

>> GREG FITZSIMMONS.

>> GLORY CHEEK.

(APPLAUSE)LET ME POINT OUT CHRIS,

NOT AFRAID OF GLORY HOLEJOKES, THAT WOULD BE TWO IN THIS

EPISODE.

(APPLAUSE)>> YEAH, THAT'S TWO SO FAR.

>> IF I GET THE HAT TRICK IWANT EXTRA POINTS.

>> YOU WILL.

>> IF I GET ONE MORE IN.

>> ONE MORE IN.

>> I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

>> OKAY, GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

DOUG BENSON.

>> PIERCE MORGAN, BECAUSE IHATE HIM.

SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS.

SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS.

(APPLAUSE)ONE OF THE BEST FEATURES OF

SPOTIFY IS YOU CAN BROWSE BYPLAY LIST WHICH IS HOW YOU

END UP COMING ACROSS PEOPLE'SWEIRDLY SEPCIFIC PLAYLISTS,

LIKE A SOUNDTRACK FOR CODING ANDI HATE MYSELF, I WANT TO DIE

AND THE 52 MOST DEPRESSING SONGSEVER.

SO COMEDIANS I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY

TITLES FOR SPOTIFY PLAYLISTSTHAT YOU'D NEVER WANT TO HEAR,

60 SECOND ON THE CLOCK ANDGO.

>> JEN.

>> SONGS FOR THAT GIRL WHOTOLD ME TO LEAVE HER ALONE.

>> POINTS. GREG.

>> I'LL SHOW THEM AND THISTIME I MEAN IT.

>> POINTS.

>> DOUG.

>> HAND JOB SONGS, GIVINGNOT RECEIVING.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

>> JEN.

>> SONGS TO PRETEND YOURHUSBAND'S COMING HOME TO.

>> OH (BLEEP). POINTS, DOUG.

>> STING, THE LOOT YEARS.

THAT WAS A LOT OF STING YEARS.YEAH, GREG.

>> GLORY HOLE SONGS.

OH, NICE.

POINTS. BY THE WAY, I'M GOINGTO GIVE GREG AN EXTRA 100

POINTS FOR HIS THIRD GLORYHOLE JOKE OF THE SHOW.

>> SONGS TO PICTURE YOURPARENTS HAVING SEX TO.

>> YES, POINTS. GREG.

>> CHEMO TUNES MIX.

>> OH (BLEEP). POINTS. JEN.

>> THE SAME REGGAE SONG OVERAND OVER FOR COLLEGE FRESHMAN

>> YES, POINTS.

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