CC Presents: Retta

  • Season 8, Ep 5
  • 02/12/2004

Retta: HOW YOU DOING?

THE PEOPLE OF NEW YORK CITY.

HOW VERY EXCITING.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

Y'ALL HAVEN'T CHANGED.

WHEN I GOT IN TOWN I WENT

TO A MCDONALD'S.

I WALKED IN.

I ORDERED A DOUBLE

CHEESEBURGER VALUE MEAL

WITH A HI-C ORANGE DRINK.

SHE PUNCHES IN MY ORDER.

I HAD FORGOTTEN TO SAY

NO PICKLE.

SO I'M LIKE, "OOH, I'M SORRY.

I DON'T WANT PICKLE ON THAT."

SHE GOES LIKE, "TSH!

[LAUGHTER]

NO PICKLE ON THAT DOUBLE

CHEESE!"

OKAY, WHY THE DRAMA?

IT'S JUST PICKLES.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE GOES TO POUR MY DRINK.

I CAN SEE THAT SHE'S POURING

ME A SPRITE.

SO I SAY POLITELY, "I'M SORRY,

I DIDN'T WANT A SPRITE.

I WANTED A HI-C ORANGE DRINK."

HER RESPONSE, "TSH!"

[LAUGHTER]

SO NOW I'M LIKE, "WHAT IS UP

WITH THIS SKANK-ASS CHICK?"

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T SAY ANYTHING

'CAUSE I DON'T MESS WITH

PEOPLE WHO TOUCH MY FOOD.

[LAUGHTER]

SO FINALLY MY ORDER COMES UP

AND SHE BASICALLY THROWS IT

ON THE COUNTER AT ME.

SO I'M LIKE, "HOLD UP, S-LICK.

I THOUGHT MCDONALD'S WAS

SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAST AND

"FRIENDLY" SERVICE."

SHE WAS LIKE, "THAT'S AT

PARTICIPATING MCDONALD'S AND

WE AIN'T PARTICIPATING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS

A BIT PERTURBED.

AND I WAY RUN INTO DRAMA--

THE LAST TIME I STAYED AT A

HOTEL IT WASN'T IN A GOOD ONE.

IT WASN'T A GOOD ONE.

WHEN I GET TO TOWN I USUALLY

LIKE TO TAKE A SHOWER AND

A NAP BEFORE MY SHOW.

I GO INTO THE BATHROOM OF THIS

HOTEL AND THIS IS WHAT I FIND.

[LAUGHTER]

UM, THIS IS THE SOAP WITH

WHICH I AM TO WASH ALL OF

MY FLESH.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY.

YOU DON'T SEE MY PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

[COUGHS]

YEAH.

UM...

I'M NOT GONNA MENTION WHERE

ELSE THIS GETS LOST.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M GLAD YOU FOUND THAT AMUSING.

I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS.

I WATCH A LOT OF HOTEL CABLE.

I RECENTLY SAW A SPECIAL ON

ONE OF THOSE NATURE CHANNELS

ABOUT THE LIONS OF THE

SERENGETI.

DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW A

FEMALE LION SIGNALS TO THE MALE

AS TO THE END OF A SEXUAL

ENCOUNTER?

SHE ATTACKS HIM.

SHE VICIOUSLY SWIPES AT HIS

HEAD AND THEN TRIES TO BITE HIM

IN THE NECK.

I'M WATCHING THIS AND I'M

THINKING, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M THE SAME

WAY."

NO, BUT IT'S TRUE.

SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT, ALREADY.

BACK THE HELL UP."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHAT'S ODD IS THE MALE,

HE'S COOL ABOUT IT.

HE DOESN'T LET IT BOTHER HIM.

'CAUSE HE KNOWS IN ANOTHER

FEW MINUTES SHE'S GONNA WANT

HIS GOODS AGAIN.

HOW DOES HE KNOW THIS?

BECAUSE LIONS HAVE SEX EVERY

20 MINUTES WHILE THE FEMALE'S

IN HEAT.

YEAH.

HA-HA-HA-HA.

SO BASICALLY SHE SWINGS ON HIM

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT,

BRING YOUR ASS."

SEX EVERY 20 MINUTES.

I'M WATCHING THIS AND I'M

THINKING, "WHAT A COINCIDENCE

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M THE

SAME--"

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON.

OKAY, SO THEY DO THE WILD

KINGDOM THING, AS IT MAY BE,

EVERY 20 MINUTES WHILE SHE'S

IN HEAT.

LET'S SAY SHE'S IN HEAT FOR

THREE DAYS.

THAT IS 216 SEXUAL EPISODES IN

72 HOURS.

216 TIMES IN THREE DAYS YET

SOME OF YOU SELF-PROCLAIMED

MACS LIKE TO BRAG ABOUT DOING

IT TWICE IN AN HOUR BEFORE

SLIPPING INTO A COMA.

[SNORES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS

PICTURE, LADIES?

I TEND TO BELIEVE THAT THERE

WILL COME A DAY WHERE MAN AND

ANIMAL-KIND DWELL TOGETHER ON

THIS PLANET IN HARMONY AND THERE

WILL BE PARTIES.

PERHAPS KEGGERS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GONNA

WORK.

THE MALES WILL BE GATHERED

AROUND THE KEG TALKING ABOUT

THEIR CONQUESTS, THEIR

ESCAPADES, WHAT HAVE YOU.

ONE GUY WILL BE LIKE, "YO, BRO,

CHECK IT OUT.

I HIT IT [CLICK, CLICK] TWICE

LAST NIGHT.

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOCKED IT OUT."

AND THE LION'S GONNA HEAR THIS.

"TWICE?

WHAT?

DID IT HURT WHEN SHE SMACKED YOU

IN THE HEAD?

IS THAT WHY YOU QUIT,

YOU PUNK ASS?

YOU MAMA'S-BOY, YOU LITTLE

BITCH?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WHEN

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A MAN'S

PERFORMANCE, LADIES.

'CAUSE MEN GET THEIR EGOS

BRUISED.

THAT'S WHY WOMEN OFTEN HAVE

TO STROKE AND MASSAGE THE MALE

EGO.

YOU KNOW, BUILD IT BACK UP.

YEAH, YOU GOT ME.

I'M CURIOUS AS TO WHETHER

OR NOT THE LIONESS HAS TO DO

THIS.

LET'S SAY HER MATE CAN ONLY

DO IT 215 TIMES.

AND SHE LIKE, "THAT'S ALRIGHT,

BOB.

IT HAPPENS TO EVERY LION."

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU'RE STILL THE KING OF MY

JUNGLE."

HA!

PERHAPS.

BUT YOU KNOW ONCE SHE LEAVES

THE DEN AND SHE'S HANGING

WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS IT'S A

DIFFERENT STORY.

215 TIMES, LADIES?

HE'S LOSING IT.

YEAH, I THINK I'M GONNA START

SEEING TONY, YOU KNOW,

THE TIGER?

[LAUGHTER]

GIRL, I HEAR HE IS GRRRR-EAT!

[APPLAUSE]

Retta: I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY

PEOPLE HERE HAVE A FRIEND

WHO ANNOYS YOU SO MUCH YOU DON'T

KNOW WHY LET THEM CONTINUE TO BE

YOUR FRIEND.

[APPLAUSE]

I'VE GOT THIS FRIEND WHO LIVES

HERE ON THE EAST COAST.

I LIVE ON THE WEST COAST.

SHE CALLS ME EARLY IN THE

MORNING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HER

JOB STRESS.

NOW, LET ME PREFACE THAT SHE

HOLDS THE TITLE OF ASSISTANT

TO THE OFFICE MANAGER.

SO HER BIG STRESS IS WHEN TO

ORDER MORE TONER AND WHITE-OUT.

SO YOU CAN SEE WHY SHE HAS

AN ULCER.

AND SHE'S LIKE "I'M THE ONLY

ONE THAT DOES ANY WORK AROUND

HERE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME NOTHING

WOULD GET DONE."

AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

YOUR ASSOCIATE'S DEGREE FROM

COMMUNITY COLLEGE ARE WHAT KEEPS

CITIBANK MOVING LIKE A

WELL-OILED MACHINE."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T SAY THESE THINGS

BECAUSE I'M ONLY EVIL ON THE

INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE)

SHE GOES ON AND ON AND

I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, LITTLE MISS

COMPLAINS-A-LOT, DON'T CALL ME

9:00 AM EASTERN STANDARD TIME

TO BITCH ABOUT HOW YOU'RE

UNAPPRECIATED IN THE WORK

PLACE."

"I EARN MY LIVING AS A COMIC.

I LIVE IN A STUDIO APARTMENT

IN THE BARRIO.

THAT MEANS MY BEDROOM IS MY

LIVING ROOM.

NOT ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS SPEAK

ENGLISH.

AND THE LAST TIME I HAD A

DENTAL PLAN, RICKY MARTIN WAS

A MEMBER OF MENUDO.

SO UNTIL YOU'RE FORCED TO MAKE

SOME REAL DECISIONS LIKE WHETHER

TO USE YOUR LAST $5 ON A BOX OF

DETERGENT OR A CAN OF DEODORANT,

DON'T CALL ME CRYING ABOUT HOW

YOU DESERVE AN ASSIGNED PARKING

SPACE."

"'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO MATTER WHAT I DO WITH THAT

$5, DETERGENT, DEODORANT,

I'M STILL GONNA BE FUNKY."

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS A GIRL WHO DOESN'T LIKE

ANIMALS BUT HAS PETS.

"KELLY, WHY DO YOU HAVE PETS?"

"'CAUSE I GET LONELY."

OKAY, TALK ABOUT SLEEPING WITH

THE ENEMY.

SHE'S GOT A BIRD.

THE BIRD ESSENTIALLY LIVES IN A

CAGE.

HOWEVER, SHE LETS HIM OUT BUT HE

CANNOT FLY BECAUSE LIKE A LOT OF

BIRD OWNERS, SHE HAD HIS LOWER

WINGS CLIPPED.

YET, SHE NAMED HIM FREEDOM.

[LAUGHTER]

HOW MUCH FREEDOM DOES THIS BIRD

HAVE?

AND THEN SHE FEEDS FREEDOM

PEOPLE FOOD.

WE HAD GONE SHOPPING.

WE'RE RUSHING TO GET BACK TO HER

PLACE.

WE WENT THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU

AT KFC.

WE GET BACK TO HER PLACE.

SHE ALWAYS HAS THE BIRD ON HER

LAP AND SHE TALKS BABY TALK TO

THE BIRD.

SO SHE'S LIKE, "OH, FEE-FEE.

OH, I LOVE MY FEE--"

NEXT THING I KNOW SHE STARTS

FEEDING THE BIRD SOME OF HER

FOOD.

I WAS LIKE, "HUH, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING?"

SHE'S LIKE "WHAT?

I'M FEEDING MY BIRD."

I SAID, "YOU'RE FEEDING YOUR

BIRD, BIRD?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS HAS GOT TO BE CRUELTY

TO ANIMALS.

SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, MY VET SAYS

IT'S OKAY."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I DON'T

WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO

FEEDING THAT DAMN DOG."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T HAVE ANY PETS OF MY OWN

'CAUSE I'M VERY ALLERGIC TO

SHORT-HAIRED ANIMALS WHICH IS

BAD BECAUSE I RECENTLY FOUND OUT

THAT I CAN'T HAVE KIDS.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW I FOUND OUT.

ABOUT 2 1/2 WEEKS AGO I HAD TO

BABY-SIT MY NEPHEW.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT LITTLE

BASTARD IS SATAN IN GRRANIMALS.

TWO HOURS ALONE WITH HIM AND

I KNEW.

"WHOO, I CAN'T HAVE KIDS.

IT'S NOT PHYSICAL.

I WILL KILL THEM."

AT WHAT POINT IS THROWING ALL OF

MY CDs INTO THE BATH FESTIVE?

'CAUSE HE COULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT

IT WAS FUNNIER.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE

ACTUAL ACT OF GETTING THEM INTO

THE WATER THAT HE FOUND AMUSING

OR ME CATCHING HIM GOING,

"YOU SON OF MY BROTHER!"

HOW MANY TIMES DOES A PERSON

HAVE TO SAY, "NO!

STOP IT AND PUT THAT DOWN OR

I'LL CUT YOU," BEFORE THE POINT

IS MADE.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS MOTHER HAD THE NERVE TO NAME

HIM DAMON.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S AWFULLY

CLOSE TO DEMON, DON'T YOU

THINK?"

WHEN SHE'S NOT AROUND I CALL HIM

DAMIEN OR LITTLE SIX, FOR SHORT.

[LAUGHTER]

SO AFTER I'VE HAD TWO OF THE

MOST HORRIFIC HOURS OF MY

ADULT LIFE WITH THIS CHILD, HIS

MOTHER COMES HOME AND SHE'S THE

ICING ON THE CAKE.

"WHERE'S MY BABY?

WHERE'S MY LITTLE DEVIL?"

I WAS LIKE "HE'S IN HELL."

YEAH.

SATAN STOPPED BY WITH COURT

PAPERS.

SAID HE GETS THE KID EVERY

SECOND AND FOURTH WEEKEND.

THERE'S NOTHING I COULD DO.

DON'T CRY.

MY HANDS WERE TIED.

NO, SERIOUSLY, MY HANDS WERE

TIED 'CAUSE YOUR LITTLE

LUCIFER BOUND AND GAGGED ME.

[LAUGHTER]

Retta: AND I LIKE COMING TO

NEW YORK.

THERE'S A LOT OF CLUBS.

BUT WHAT I FIND AMUSING ABOUT

THE CLUBS IS THE ADS THAT THEY

PUT OUT.

IS THE ADS--

WHAT KIND OF IGNORANT--

ARE THE ADS.

AND THERE'S A CLUB IN DOWNTOWN

LOS ANGELES THAT USED TO

ADVERTISE ON THE RADIO.

AND AT THE END OF THE AD,

THE GUY WOULD COME ON AND SAY,

"SO COME ON DOWN TO CLUUUUUB

JIMMY HATS!"

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

THE LAST TIME I CHECKED THE

DICTIONARY UNDER URBAN

VERNACULAR, JIMMY HATS WAS A

EUPHEMISM FOR CONDOM.

WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR CLUB

"CONDOM"?

[LAUGHTER]

"COME ON DOWN TO CLUUUUUB

PROPHYLACTIC!

WITH YOUR DJ TED VD, VD, VD.

[LAUGHTER]

WITH YOUR HOSTESSNESS,

CHLAMYDIA."

"CHLAMYDIA, GIRL, YOU ARE

LOOKING GOOD IN THAT DRESS.

IS THAT A DKNY?"

"NO, GIRL, THIS HERE'S A S-TD."

[LAUGHTER]

"WITH A LIVE PERFORMANCE BY

"THE CLAP".

THEM BOYS CAN SCRATCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S JUST A SILLY NAME FOR

A CLUB IS ALL I'M SAYING.

WHY WOULD YOU GO TO THIS CLUB?

PERHAPS TO GET YOUR ITCH ON.

I DON'T KNOW.

THE FIRST 100 GUESTS GET A

FREE SHOT OF PENICILLIN.

[LAUGHTER]

I BRING THIS UP 'CAUSE I'M

PRETTY SURE THAT EVERY WOMAN

HERE HAS EXPERIENCED THIS AT

LEAST ONCE.

LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN

THE BATHROOM IN A PUBLIC PLACE

OR AT A PARTY AND THERE WAS

SOMEONE ELSE WHO WISHES TO COME

IN NEXT.

BUT INSTEAD OF POLITELY KNOCKING

ON THE DOOR OR GENTLY TRYING THE

KNOB THEY ATTACK THE DOOR LIKE A

ROOKIE DEA AGENT ON HIS FIRST

RAID?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

RELAX.

GET A DRINK.

TAKE THE EDGE OFF.

UNLESS YOU HEARD I WAS OD-ING IN

THERE THERE'S NO NEED TO KICK

THE DOOR DOWN.

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

'CAUSE TELL ME IF I'M WRONG,

IT'S A BIT JARRING WHEN

YOU'RE TEETERING IN THAT SQUAT

POSITION OVER THE TOILET 'CAUSE

YOU DON'T WANNA GET COOTIES ON

YOUR BOOTY.

MY BALANCE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO

BE.

SO SURPRISES MAKE FOR A VERY

MESSY SITUATION, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M SAYING?

PARTICULARLY FOR THAT SWAT TEAM

TRAINEE WHO'S TRYING TO GET IN

NEXT.

AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY THE

SEAT'S ALL WET.

THE SEAT'S ALL WET 'CAUSE

DIRTY HARRY OVER HERE WAS

REENACTING BIG BUST AND SCARED

THE PISS OUT OF ME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HOW MANY WOMEN HERE AGREE WITH

ME THAT MEN SHOULD ALSO SHAVE

THEIR ARMPITS?

[APPLAUSE]

HALLELUJAH.

THANK YOU.

[MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER BOO'S]

YEAH, KEEP IT DOWN,

KEEP IT DOWN, KEEP IT DOWN.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, FELLAS?

THAT LITTLE DON KING IN A

HEADLOCK, THAT LOOK IS NOT HOT.

THAT'S NOT CUTE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON'T

SHAVE.

Y'ALL ARE MORE SKANK THAN WE

ARE.

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME THAT I

THOUGHT THAT MEN SHOULD SHAVE

THEIR ARMPITS.

IT WAS MANY YEARS AGO.

I WAS WATCHING MTV UNPLUGGED.

AND LL COOL J WAS PERFORMING.

AND LL HAD ON NO SHIRT AND

RIGHTFULLY SO BECAUSE LL'S BODY

IS SLAMMING.

HE WAS SINGING, "MAMA SAID

KNOCK YOU OUT."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH.

YEAH."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO."

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE IT WAS PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

THAT LL BELIEVED LIKE MOST

AMERICANS THAT MEN SHOULD NOT

SHAVE THEIR ARMPITS.

IT WAS ALSO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS

THAT LL USED STICK DEODORANTS.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE HE HAD BIG WHITE CHUNKS

TRAPPED IN THE FOLLICLES

OF HIS PITS.

IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY HAD

CRUMPLED A DOUBLE STUFFED

OREO UP THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO, PLEASE, FELLAS, IF YOU'RE

NOT GONNA SHAVE THEN AEROSOL

SPRAY IT 'CAUSE WE DON'T WANNA

SEE ALL THAT FETA CHEESE.

[LAUGHTER]

Retta: SO I'M VERY EXCITED.

I HAVE A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

BY APPLAUSE, HOW MANY WOMEN HERE

HAVE DATED A LATINO MAN?

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD CHOICE.

GOOD CHOICE.

GOOD CHOICE.

I ASKED THAT QUESTION IOWA.

THEY WERE LIKE, "A WHAT?"

"WE DON'T HAVE LATNOS."

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU HAVEN'T, I HIGHLY

RECOMMEND IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT IN

DATING HIM?

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S LATINOS

IN GENERAL OR IF IT'S

PUERTO RICANS.

HE'S PUERTO RICAN.

YEAH.

VERY FOND OF BIBLICAL NAMES.

FOR 2 1/2 MONTHS I DATED

JESUS.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

JESUS.

WHICH IS UNSETTLING 'CAUSE

I'M A SINNER.

HIS BEST FRIEND IS ANGEL.

JESUS AND ANGEL JUST LIKE THAT.

WHO KNEW?

BUT WHEN I FIRST STARTED

DATING HIM I CALLED MY MOM.

AND MY MOTHER AND I ARE NEVER

ON THE SAME PAGE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MOM,

GUESS WHAT?

I'M DATING JESUS."

HA-HA-HA-HA!

SHE WAS NOT AMUSED.

"YOU KNOW I DON'T APPROVE OF

THAT SORT OF THING.

MIXED MARRIAGES RARELY WORK.

BESIDES, HOW'D YOU END UP WITH A

JEW?"

[LAUGHTER]

"OKAY, MOM, HE'S NOT JEWISH.

HE'S CATHOLIC.

HE'S LATINO."

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, SO HE CAN'T

REALLY GO OUT INTO THE SUN,

CAN HE?"

"LATINO, NOT ALBINO.

LATINO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT HE WAS SO CUTE.

SO SWEET.

SO FUNNY.

SO NICE.

BUT SO SKINNY.

I'M SO NOT.

THIS WAS US OUT.

"ARE YOU READY TO GO?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON!

COME ON!"

[APPLAUSE]

SO CLEARLY I HAD ISSUES WITH

THE RELATIONSHIP 'CAUSE I

COULDN'T DO THE CUTE LITTLE

GIRLFRIEND THINGS THAT OTHER

GIRLS GET TO DO.

LIKE WHEN I SPENT THE NIGHT

AT HIS HOUSE, I CAN'T WEAR HIS

PAJAMA SHIRT TO BED.

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T FIT.

AND EVEN IF I DO GET IT CLOSED

THEN THOSE BUTTONS BECOME

DANGEROUS PROJECTILES.

[LAUGHTER]

[SHOOTING SOUND]

OH, [BLEEP]!

I COULDN'T DO THINGS LIKE SIT ON

HIS LAP AT A PARTY.

"HONEY, TELL ME WHEN YOUR LEGS

START TO GET NUMB.

HONEY?

HONEY?"

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THEN IT WAS ALL ABOUT,

"CLEAR!"

AND I DIDN'T NEED THE DRAMA.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I COULDN'T DO THINGS LIKE

PLAY CHICKEN AT A POOL PARTY.

"GET UP.

THEY'RE STARTING THE GAME.

"COME ON, BUBBLES, PICK ME UP."

'CAUSE EVEN IF HE DID GET UP

HE'S ALL, "WHOA.

WHOA."

AND WHO WANTS TO BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR THEIR BOYFRIEND'S BROKEN

CLAVICLE?

NOT ME.

NOT AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT A

BIG GIRL'S NOT GONNA HEAR HER

SKINNY BOYFRIEND SAY.

THINGS LIKE, "SAY MERCY OR

I'LL THROW YOU IN THE POOL."

[LAUGHS]

"WORD."

"COME ON.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT,

ICHABOD.

WHAT'S UP?"

"OH-HO, WHO'S WET NOW?

LOOK AT YOU.

TWO FOR FLINCHING, YOU PUNK."

[LAUGHTER]

NUMBER ONE THING A BIG GIRL'S

NOT GONNA HEAR HER SKINNY

BOYFRIEND SAY, "SWEETIE, YOU

LOOK SO SEXY IN THAT THONG."

"THONG?

WHAT THE-- OH."

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, THAT'S MY TIME.

MY NAME IS RETTA.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING OUT.

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