Tuesday, August 4, 2015

  • 08/04/2015

Jen Kirkman, Tom Lennon and Ron Funches compliment Lenny Kravitz's penis, rename little-known 90s boy bands and rile up Twitter users with incendiary hashtags.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

TRUE ARTISTS AREN'T AFRAID TOSHOW THEIR VULNERABLE SIDE,

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT LENNYKRAVITZ

DID AT A CONCERT IN SWEDEN, WHENHIS LEATHER PANTS SPLIT OPEN

WIDE, EXPOSING LENNY'S KRAVITZ.I MEAN, LIKE, FULL-ON DONG.

WE NEED ANOTHER LOOK.

PENIS COMPUTER, ENHANCE.

>> IS THAT FLACCID?>> WHAT IS THAT?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: EITHER-- EITHER LENNYKRAVITZ GOT ENGAGED TO HIS DICK

RECENTLY, OR HE COULD NEEDSERIOUS MEDICAL ATTENTION.

>> JUST SOME WOMAN'S RETAINERFROM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

>> CHRIS: I MEAN, GOING FULL-ONCOMMANDO.

AND THE THING-- IT'S PROBABLYBLURRED AT HOME.

>> PROBABLY.

>> CHRIS: FOR THOSE WHO CAN'TSEE IT, IMAGINE AN OVERLY

INFLATED BALLOON ANIMAL WITHSIDE BURNS BEING PUKED OUT OF A

LEATHER VAGINA.

>> IS THAT FLACCID?>> THAT IS MESMERIZING.

IT IS.

>> IT'S A GOOD-LOOKING DICK.

IT'S A SOLID DICK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: I MEAN, THERE'S NO

OTHER WORD FOR IT.

LENNY KRAVITZ HAS A HANDSOMEPENIS.

>> GIVE ME 40 MINUTES AND ASEARS CATALOG, I COULD DO THAT.

( LAUGHTER )LOOKING AT POWER TOOLS?

>> EXACTLY RIGHT, SNOWMOBILES,(BLEEP).

>> CHRIS: WHAT WAS LENNY IN THEMIDDLE OF SINGING WHEN THIS

HAPPENED?

BONUS POINTS IF YOU SING IT! RONFUNCHES.

♪ BA-BA-BAD.

BAD TO THE BONER. ♪

>> CHRIS: 200 POINTS TO RONFUNCHES. TOM LENNON.

>> THIS IS NOT FAIR BECAUSE IWAS ACTUALLY AT THE SHOW.

( LAUGHTER )AND IT WAS...

♪ SEND IN THE CLOWNS ♪( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> CHRIS: JEN KIRKMAN.

>> DO I EVEN HAVE TO SING IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE.

♪ WE WILL, WE WILL ( BLEEP ) YOU♪♪

>> IT'S A WEIRD THING, BUTI'VE JUST BEEN NOTIFIED THAT

FREDDIE MERCURY'S GHOST JUSTDIED AGAIN.

>> CHRIS: OH, NO.

>> AND WE KILLED HIM WITH THAT.

( LAUGHTER )>> THEN HE SAW THAT AND HE WAS

IT IS NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

( APPLAUSE )EMMY-NOMINATED "@MIDNIGHT" DOES

AN ENTIRE ACT ON LENNY KRAVITZ'SDICK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THIS WEEK, THE MASTER OF TWIST

ENDINGS, M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN,TURNS 45, OR DOES HE?

( LAUGHTER )EVERY MOVIE OF MINE IS LIKE A

"TWILIGHT ZONE" EPISODE.

AND EACH MOVIE IS EXACTLY ASHALF AS GOOD AS THE PREVIOUS

ONE.

WHICH, IN HONOR OF M. NIGHT ANDOUR

FAVORITE MOVIE GENRE BESIDESANIMALS PLAYING BASKETBALL,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#RUINATHRILLER.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:THE BOURNE SUPREMACIST,

THE DA VINCI CHODE,OR REAR END-O.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

TOM LENNON.

>> DOCK DICK AFTERNOON.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> ANN COULTER-GEIST.

>> CHRIS: IT'S COMING FROM THETV!

POINTS.

RON.

>> ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS: ALAZY BRUNCH.

>> TAKEN 4: JUST KEEP HER, IGUESS.

>> MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: RHYTHMNATION.

>> AFRICAN-AMERICAN SWAN.

>> CHRIS: RON.

VERY GOOD.

VERY POLITICALLY CORRECT.

>> MAD MARIO: RAINBOW ROAD.

>> ARMENIAN PSYCHO.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

TOM.

>> THE ISLAND OF DR. PHIL.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "LEMME GETYOUR NUMBER, BOY."

WHEN YOU THINK OF LATE'90s/EARLY 2000s BOY BANDS, YOU

PROBABLY THINK 'NSYNC AND THEBACKSTREET BOYS.

BUT DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS SOMUCH WORSE OUT THERE?

WAY, WAY, WAY WORSE.

I'M TALKIN' FROSTED TIPS, OPENLINEN SHIRTS BLOWING IN THE WIND

MACHINE, RAZOR-SHARPMAN-NIPPLES, THE WORKS.

AND FOR SOME REASON I NEVER GOTTO BE IN ONE. BUT PRACTICALLY

EVERY LESSER KNOWN BOY BAND WEFOUND ON YOUTUBE HAS A NUMBER IN

THEIR NAME.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU A CRAPPY OLD BOY BAND VIDEO

AND FOR 250 POINTS I WANT 4U2COME UP WITH A BETTER BAND NAME

FOR THEM, BUT IT HAS TO INCLUDEA NUMBER.

LET'S GET STARTED, GURL.

FIRST ONE: HERE ARE SOME OPENSHIRTS FROM A BOY BAND CALLED

3DEEP.

>> TIME AND TIME AGAIN, IT'STRUE. GIRL, I WANT TO BE WITH

YOU. EVERY NIGHT AND EVERY DAY.YEAH.

>> CHRIS: WHAT IS A BETTER BANDNAME, TOM LENNON?

>> 3 INCHES DEEP.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WHICH, JEN, IS PRETTY NORMAL.

IT'S PRETTY NORMAL.>> NO I BELIEVE YOU.

FOR BONUS POINTS, IS THERE A GUYNAMED C.J. IN THIS BAND? JEN.

>> YES.

>> CHRIS: YES, THERE IS,USUALLY.

IT'S THIS GUY.

>> I JUST GUESSED.

>> CHRIS: 3 DEEP.

>> EVEN I CAN'T STOP TOUCHING MYJOCK.

>> CHRIS: OH, WAIT A SECOND-->> IT LOOKS LIKE--

>> WHERE DID IT GO?

WHERE DID IT GO?

OH, MAN.

>> NO, NOW WE'RE ONLY 2 DEEP.>> LENNY KRAVITZ STOLE MY DICK.

NEXT ONE, HERE'S A VIDEOOVERWHELMINGLY

FULL OF LANDMARKS FROM THE BOYBAND 3T.

♪ I NEED YOU, AND I COULDN'TLIVE A DAY WITHOUT YOU.

I NEED YOU.

>> CHRIS: WHAT'S A BETTER NAMEFOR THEM, TOM LENNON?

>> DINKY PRINCE 360.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

( APPLAUSE )JEN.

>> WORSE THAN 9/11.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: IT HAS A NUMBER IN IT!

( APPLAUSE )NEVER FORGET.

RON FUNCHES.

>> 360 DOUCHE-GREES.

NEXT ONE, HERE'S THE BOY BANDYELL 4 YOU.

♪ YOU'RE MY LOVER.

>> CHRIS: RON FUNCHES.

>> STR8 BANANA PANTS.

>> CHRIS: YES, POINTS.

FOR BONUS POINTS, IS THERE A GUYNAMED P.J., IN THE BAND?

RON.

>> NO.

>> CHRIS: NO ONE KNOWS.

WE CAN'T FIND THEIR ( BLEEP )NAMES.

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

SERIOUSLY, I DON'T--( APPLAUSE )

WE CAN BE LOOKING AT FOUR GERMANGOATS FOR ALL I KNOW.

>> DO I GET EXTRA BONUS POINTSIF I DO ONE OF THE MOVES?

>> CHRIS: YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOUBONUS POINTS FOR THAT.

YEAH, 100 POINTS.

( CHEERS ) >> WAS IT DO THE MOVE OR OWN THE

MOVE?

I FEEL LIKE YOU DID IT BUT YOUDIDN'T OWN IT.

TO BE HONEST, SHE DID IT EXACTLYOR BETTER THAN THEY DID IT.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOUTHIS PICTURE OF A ( BLEEP )

ANTI-MARRIAGEEQUALITY BILLBOARD THAT QUOTES

GOD AS SAYING, "PLEASE, I NEEDYOUR HELP WITH THIS--GOD."

I ASKED YOU TO COME UP WITHANOTHER WHINY PLEA FROM GOD.

LET'S HEAR YOUR ANSWERS.

RON FUNCHES, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> THOU SHALL NOT WORSHIP ANYOTHER GOD, UNLESS HE OWNS A

CAMARO OR SOMETHING.

THAT'S A BITCHIN' CAR.

( APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: YOU'RE NOT WRONG.

JEN KIRKMAN.

>> YOU GUYS, I KIND OF FEEL LIKEYOU ONLY TALK TO ME WHEN YOU

NEED SOMETHING AND YOU NEVER,LIKE, ASK ME HOW I AM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: TOM LENNON.

>> HELLO, MARGARET.

ARE YOU THERE?

IT'S ME, GOD, CALLING YOU BACK.

I'M SORRY, I HAD MY RINGER OFF.

IF IT WAS IMPORTANT, HIT MEBACK.

I'M GOING INTO A PARKINGSTRUCTURE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME"EXPECTO PA-TROLL-'EM."

LAST WEEK, WE PLAYED THE HASHTAG#NEWHARRYPOTTERBOOKS, AND A

WHOLE BUNCH OF TWEEN WIZARDAFICIONADOS SOMEHOW BELIEVED

THAT IT WAS AN ACTUALANNOUNCEMENT OF A NEW BOOK IN

THE SERIES.

AND PEOPLE WERE NOT HAPPY ABOUTTHAT LIKE @GINTARE_13 WHO SAID,

"LIKE WHOEVER MADE THIS IS NOTFUNNY AND I HATE YOU.

#NEWHARRYPOTTERBOOKS." SORRYABOUT THAT

WE WERE JUST HAVING FUN WITHSTUFF.

WE HAD NO INTENTION OF CAUSINGUNREST IN THE SORCERER'S REALM.

I MYSELF AM A CARD-CARRYINGRAVENCLAW.

WE DIDN'T KNOW A LITTLE HASHTAGFROM OUR SHOW WOULD CAUSE THE

ENTIRE INTERNET TO FREAK THE(BLEEP) OUT.

SO SINCERELY, FROM THE BOTTOM OFOUR HEARTS, WE WANNA SAY,

"HA, TROLLED YOU STUPIDHUFFLEPUFFS, HA HA HA."

WITH THAT IN MIND, COMEDIANS, IWOULD LIKE YOU TO COME UP WITH

AS MANY INCENDIARY HASHTAGS ASYOU CAN THAT WOULD CAUSE TWITTER

TO FLIP THE ( BLEEP ) OUT IFTHEY DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A JOKE.

TOM LENNON.

>> #SANDLER IS THE NEW DOCTOR.

>> CHRIS: YOU ( BLEEP )!

SHOULD ( BLEEP ) CHOKE YOU FORTHAT!

I SHOULD CHOKE YOU.

>> WIBBLY-WOBBLY,TIMEY-WIMEY. YOU GET POINTS.

RON.

>> #TRUMP LENO 2016.

>> #ALL FEMALE STAR WARS.

>> #BLACKS WHO SUPPORT HULKHOGAN.

>> #COSBY SHOW REUNION SPECIAL.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

RON.

>> #I STILL DON'T THINK COSBYDID IT AND SOME OF THOSE LADIES

ARE DEAR FRIENDS OF MINE.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

>> #TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON THREEKIM AND CHLOE.

>> #DENTIST BAGS GRUMPY CAT.