CC Presents: Rickey Smiley

  • 02/16/2006

YEAH.

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MAN, I'M JUST GLAD TO BE HERE, MAN.

AW, MAN, THE OLD PLAYERSBE HATING ON ME, MAN.

I SAW SOME OLD PLAYERS STANDING IN LINE, MAN.

FELLAS WEARING LEATHER PANTS. ANYBODY GOT ON LEATHER PANTS?

GOT ON BAGGY LEATHER PANTS? THAT'S COOL.

FELLAS, YOU CANNOT WEAR THE EDDIE MURPHY DELIRIOUS

- LEATHER PANTS. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUDE OUTSIDE, LEATHER PANT WAS SO TIGHT, HE FARTED AND GOT A BUBBLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE HAD TO PUSH IT DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ME AND MY STEP-DADDY DON'T GET ALONG.

I THINK HE PUT IN ONE PHONE CALL,

ALL THE OLD PLAYERS MAD AT ME, MAN. I DO.

'CAUSE I PERFORM AT COMEDY CLUBSALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY, MAN.

THE OLD PLAYERS SIT ON THE FRONT ROW AND THEY HECKLE ME.

I HAD A DUDE YELLING AT ME LAST WEEK HE HAD ONE TOOTH

IN THE FRONT. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA YELL OUT AT ME

AND YOU GOTONE TOOTH IN THE FRONT?

YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO YELL OUT AT THE COMEDIANS.

THAT AIN'T COOL.I SAID ONE LITTLE THING.

HE GETS MAD AND HE LEAVE.

- ALL I SAID WAS... - [LAUGHTER]

HE SHOULD GET A JOB AT KRISPY KREMES

SNAPPING HOLES IN DONUTS AND HE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES, DON'T Y'ALL SEE THE OLD PLAYERS ALL THE TIME?

THE OLD PLAYERSTRYING TO HOLLA AT YOU?

THEN THEY BE HAVING THAT NECKLACE WITH THAT CROSS ON IT,

THAT GOLD CLUSTER CROSS,THE CROSS RUSTY,

THE CROSS SO RUSTY THAT JESUS GOT OFF OF IT AND GOT ON ANOTHER NECKLACE?

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, I GOT SOMETHING FOR Y'ALL.

HOW MANY OF Y'ALL REMEMBER THEIR MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER?

SPEAKING OF OLD PLAYER.MY MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHERWAS AN OLD PLAYER.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THE MIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER HAD A DISABILITY?

AND YOU DON'T LAUGH ATPEOPLE WITH DISABILITY.

BUT, YOU KNOW YOUR MIDDLE SCHOOLPRINCIPAL MEAN AS HELL,

YOU GOT A ASSEMBLY PROGRAM, AND THE MIDDLE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL

COME OUT, YOU KNOW?

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

EVERYTHING HE SAID HAD SOMETHING RELATE TO HIS DISABILITY.

"KIDS, I WANNA LET Y'ALL KNOW THAT LIFE IS UNEVEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU-- YOU REMEMBER GETTING CAUGHT OUT IN THE HALL?

"HEY, WHERE Y'ALL SUPPOSED TO BE? HEY!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"Y'ALL-- Y'ALL GOING TO HELL.

[LAUGHTER]

Y'ALL GOING TO HELL WITH GASOLINE DRAWERS ON."

I'M SO GLAD TO BE HERE. LAST TIME I CAME TO NEW YORK,

MAN, THEY DIDN'T HAVE A HOTEL ROOM FOR ME OR NOTHING.

HAD A GIG UP HERE.I HAD TO STAY AT ONE OFMY FRAT BROTHER'S HOUSE.

YOU KNOW I DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

HE HAVE A 2-BEDROOM APARTMENT. YOU KNOW, ON THE CONDITION

THAT I WOULD NOT MESS AROUND WITH HIS DAUGHTER, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE SHE WAS, YOU KNOW RETARDED.

- AND I DON'T...- [LAUGHTER]

I DON'T MAKE FUN OF--

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WENT BACK THERE IN THE ROOM WHERE THE GIRL WAS.

NOW THIS GIRL FINE AS HELL.

YOU KNOW IT'S 2AM AND SHE'S SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE BED

WITH A SEE-THROUGH NIGHTGOWN ON.AND SHE SAY "HEY, COME HERE,

- "COME HERE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO." I SAID, "NO,

- "BECAUSE YOU'RE RETARDED. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOUR DADDY TOLD ME DON'T BOTHER YOU. GO HOME."

SHE JUST KEPT-- "COME HERE. LET ME SHOW WHAT I COULD DO."

SHE GOT ME TURNED ON, AND I COULDN'T TAKE IT NO MORE.

I GOT BUTT NAKED,LOOKED DOWN MY THING WASHARD AS TRIGONOMETRY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAID, "SHOW ME." SHE SAID [NOISE].

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER THAT CRAZY-ASS TEACHER IN THE THIRD GRADE

HAD A PIANO IN HER CLASS ONLY WAY SHE COULD GET Y'ALL

- TO BE QUIET? - [BANGING PIANO KEYS]

[LAUGHTER]

GOD REST HER SOUL, SHE DIED, MAN.

SHE DIED. THEY ASKED ME TO PLAY AT HER FUNERAL, TOO.

I GOT UP THERE.I SAID-- [BANGING KEYS].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JOINED THE WHITE CHURCH 'CAUSEWHITE PEOPLE GET OUT ON TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE PEOPLE GOTO CHURCH AT 11 O'CLOCK,11:45, YOU OUT OF THERE,

YOU GOT TIME TO GET HOME,WATCH THE GAME.

WE GO AT 11,DON'T START 'TIL 11:45,

GET OUT AT 5:00 O'CLOCK THURSDAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'D HAVE LOST YOUR DAMN JOB FOOLIN' WITH REVEREND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHITE PEOPLE SING "AMAZING GRACE",

MAN, WHEN WHITE PEOPLE SING "AMAZING GRACE,"

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THE WORDS.THEY SING EVERY SINGLE SYLLABLE!

- AM I RIGHT? - YEAH.

[PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE" INTRO]

[LAUGHTER]

♪ A-MA-ZING GRACE

♪ HOW SWEET --HALLELUJAH! --

♪ THE SOUND

♪ THAT SAVED A WRETCH ♪

♪ LIKE MEEE

- ♪ OH, YEAH - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY TIMEY'ALL SEE WHITE PEOPLE,

THAT SONG GONNA BE IN YOUR HEAD SO BAD.

EVERY TIME YOU SEE WHITE PEOPLE,THEY'RE GONNA GO, "HOW ARE YOU?"

YOU GONNA BE LIKE, ♪ LIKE ME

- ♪ OH, YEAH - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BLACK PEOPLE, BOY, WE, WE SOMETHIN' ELSE.

WE REAL EMOTIONAL. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SING.

JUST THE WORDS,

THE WORDS WILL JUST BRING THE SPIRIT,

I DON'T KNOW IF IT BE THE HOLY GHOST OR JUST EMOTION.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HEAR THIS RIGHT HERE IN CHURCH.

♪ [UPBEAT GOSPELMUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CLAPPING TO MUSIC]

♪ [HUMMING]--

[SCREAMING UNCONTROLLABLY]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Y'ALL CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHO Y'ALL CRAZY LIKE?

♪ LIKE ME

♪ OH, YEAH

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY...

BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE STOP HAVING FUNERALS!

START HAVING HOME-GOING CELEBRATIONS, RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF BIG MAMA IS 107 YEARS OLD,

WHAT THE HELL IS YOU HOLLAING FOR?

[LAUGHTER]

STOP ASKING CRAZY QUESTIONS WHEN SOMEBODY THAT OLD DIED.

MY GREAT GRANDMA WAS 107 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE DIED.

A LADY COME OVER TO THE HOUSE SIT ON THE COUCH AND LOOK

RIGHT AT ME AND SAID,"WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?"

[LAUGHTER]

"SHE WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL AND SHE STOPPED BREATHING,

WHAT YOU THINK HAPPENED TO HER?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BLACK PEOPLE, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF POOKY SOLD DRUGS,IF POOKY WAS IN A GANG,

YOU CANNOT SEND POOKY TO HEAVEN

BY WHAT YOU PUT IN THE OBITUARY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TALKING ABOUT "HE RECEIVED CHRIST AT AN EARLY AGE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"HE GONNA HAVE HIS FUNERAL AT A CHURCH."

HE AIN'T BEEN TO CHURCHSINCE HE WAS SEVEN!

NEED TO HAVE HIS DAMN BODY RIGHT THERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR

AT THE CLUB.

HAVE EVERYBODY PACKED UP THERE DOING THE LAKER SLIDE.

YEAH, WE GONNA MISS POOKY. GOD BLESS HIM.

- VIEW THE BODY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO A DRUG DEALER FUNERAL. HE'S SO BIG TIME,

HE IN THE CASKET, HIS BEEPER STILL GOING ON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAID, "HELL, NAW."WE PUT STUFF IN THE CASKET, MAN.

THEY GET PITIFULAT THESE FUNERALS, MAN.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GO IN--

YOU KNOW WHEN THE TIME THEY COME AROUND AND THEY VIEW THE BODY?

YOU KNOW, THE FAMILY THEY VIEW THE BODY AND THEY SIT DOWN

AND THE FAMILY DO GOODAND YOU'RE NOT RELATED,

YOU SHOULD DO GOOD SO YOU SHOULD BE STRONG, TOO,

- RIGHT?- YEP.

THE FAMILY DID GOOD. THE FAMILY CAME AROUND AND VIEWED THE BODY

AND SIT DOWN 'TILONE FO COME IN THERE.

JUST ONE. AND UPSET EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW WHO IT IS. YOU KNOW HOW HE COMING IN.

♪ [RHYTHM AND BLUES GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS] ♪

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

THIS WHEN I STOP GOINGTO FUNERALS RIGHT HERE.

THIS WHEN I SAY I AIN'T GOING TO NO MORE.

♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

SHE WAKE UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED EVERY SUNDAY MORNING

BUT SHE HAVE TO GIVE YOU THIS INFORMATION.

YOU DON'T WANT THE INFORMATION,

BUT SHE HAVE TOGIVE YOU THE INFORMATION

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS SHE PUT HER OWN TWO CENTS ON TOP OF--

EVERYBODY, THE WHAT, THE CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS.

GIVE IT UP FOR BERNICE JENKINS AND THE CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ [RHYTHM AND BLUESGOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

WE WANNA WELCOME ALL OF OUR VISI-TORS

TO THE OH, LORD,HOLD MY MULE

WHILE I SHOUT MISSIONARYEVANGELISTIC EPISCOPAL

BAPTIST CHURCH OF GOD IN CHRIST AME, CME...

- [MUSIC CONTINUES] - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S OUR CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS AS FOLLOWS:

THE PASTOR HAS ASKED THAT OUR REALLY DARK-SKINNED MEMBERS

PLEASE SIT IN THE LIGHTDURING EVENING SERVICES.

THE PASTOR HEARD VOICES AND THOUGHT IT WAS DEMONS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DUE TO RECENT TERRORIST ATTACK AND THE HORRIBLE WAR IN IRAQ,

PASTOR WILL NO LONGER BAPTIZE BABIES WITH THE NAMES

MOHAMMED, RASHID, ABDUL OR KADEEM.

YOU WANNA BE BAPTIZED,GO DOWN TO MOUNT MORAL,

- WE AIN'T DOIN' IT NO MORE. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HUH? SAY WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN?!

I JUST TALKED TO HER THE OTHER DAY.

AIN'T NOBODY CALL ME AND TOLD ME NOTHING!

- HAAAA! - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I TELL 'EM.

[ORGAN SWELLS]

[LAUGHTER]

THE LORD CALLED MISS JOHNSON HOME

THREE MONTHS AGO.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE FUNERAL WILL BE IN TWO WEEKS.

THE FAMILY WAITIN' ON THE INSURANCE POLIC...[CHUCKLING].

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO A STRIP CLUB.I CAME UP HERE.

I LOVE NEW YORK, MAN.THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHINGEXCITING UP HERE.

- IT IS.- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T DISCRIMINATE EITHER. SHOOT, DOWN SOUTH, MAN,

YOU GOT THEM STRIPPERS THAT-- I CALL 'EM VIETNAM VETS.

STRIPPERS CAN'T GET NO BABY-SITTER.

- THEY GO, "HOLD MY BABY." - [LAUGHTER]

MAN, THEY HAD A 91 YEAR-OLD STRIPPER, MAN.

NINETY-ONE!

MAN, IT WAS A TRIP. Y'ALL SEEN AN OLD STRIPPER?

Woman: YEAH.

I MEAN, THEY BROUGHT ONEON THE STAGE, MAN.

LOOK, CAN I JUSTSHOW Y'ALL HOW IT WENT?

YEAH.

PLAYER, SHE WAS 91 YEARS OLD.

LET ME SHOW Y'ALL WHAT HAPPENED.

♪ [SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COMEDY CENTRAL.

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