CC Presents: Paul F. Tompkins

  • 03/13/2002

I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS, WHICH

MEANS THAT I AM BETTER THAN YOU.

NOW HERE'S--

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T MEAN THAT AS AN INSULT

TO YOU.

IT'S JUST THE NATURAL WAY.

BEING IN SHOW BUSINESS IS GREAT.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT IN IT,

YOU SHOULD GET IN IT BECAUSE

#1 THE MONEY IS OBSCENE.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

IT IS CRAZY.

HERE'S HOW RICH I AM.

UM...

I LIKE GOING TO A

BANANA REPUBLIC, AND BUY SHIRTS

TWO AT A TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT, RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

I GUESS YOU SHOULD APPLAUD

FOR THAT.

HERE'S THE THING.

PEOPLE, YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING

TO ME, BUT PAUL THOSE SHIRTS

COST A LOT OF MONEY.

YES, YES THEY DO.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY COST A LOT OF MONEY THAT

I HAVE.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

MAYBE I'LL BE WALKING OUT AND

I'LL SEE THEY HAVE WINDBREAKERS

BY THE DOOR.

A RACK OF A WINDBREAKERS.

AND I'LL SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THROW A WINDBREAKER IN THE BAG.

AND THE SALES WOMAN MAY SAY,

BUT SIR, DON'T YOU WANT TO TRY

IT ON?

TRY IT ON?

TRY IT ON?

TRY IT ON?

WHY, WHY?

(LAUGHTER

IF IT DOESN'T FIT I'LL THROW IT

AWAY.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

SOMETIMES I'LL EAT MONEY,

JUST TO DO IT.

JUST TO SEE HOW IT FEELS.

IT FEELS GOOD.

IT FEELS POWERFUL.

ALSO SOMETIMES I EAT A TIN CAN

OR TWO BECAUSE I'M PART GOAT.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE'S A STORE THAT I'VE SEEN

THIS ONE TIME; THAT HAD THE

GREATEST NAME IN ALL OF RETAIL.

ALL OF RETAIL?

YES, ALL OF IT.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S THE NAME OF THE STORE;

THE NAME OF THE STORE IS

"ELEGANT BALLOONS".

(LAUGHTER)

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY IT AGAIN

JUST BECAUSE I LIKE THE SOUND

OF IT.

ELEGANT BALLOONS.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

"AH, YES, HELLO.

I'M HOSTING A VERY IMPORTANT

PARTY AT MY MANSION THIS EVENING

AND I'LL BE ENTERTAINING SOME

FOREIGN DIGNITARIES, HEADS OF

STATE AND THE LIKE.

I WANTED TO SPRUCE THE PLACE UP

A LITTLE BIT.

TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN

THE WAY OF BALLOONS."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, SIR, WE HAVE THIS MODEL

HERE WHICH IS RED AS YOU SEE.

AND IT ALSO COMES IN A BLUE."

"OH, MY GOD!

THOSE BALLOONS ARE GAUCHE!

I'M NOT HOSTING A FREE-FOR-ALL

FOR A BUNCH OF HILL PEOPLE WHO

ARE GOING TO EAT OFF THE FLOOR

WITH THEIR HANDS!

WHERE ARE YOUR ELEGANT

BALLOONS?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.

YES.

AGAIN I DON'T BLAME YOU.

SOME FRIENDS OF MINE TOLD ME

SOME FRIENDS OF MINETOLD ME ABOUT THIS OUTING

THAT THEY GO ON AND THEYSUGGESTED I DO IT, TOO.

BUT IT INVOLVES THE OUTDOORSAND I'M NOT A FAN.

HERE'S WHAT IT WAS.

THEY SAID--"PAUL, IT'S WONDERFUL.

WHAT WE DO IS EVERY SUMMERONCE A MONTH, WE GO TO THIS FARM

WHERE THIS FARMER HAS A CHERRYORCHARD.

AND, YOU KNOW, WE GIVE THE GUY$35 AND HE GIVES US

A LADDER AND A BUSHEL BASKET ANDWE GO OUT THERE IN THE ORCHARD

AND WE CLIMB UP THE LADDERAND WE PICK THE CHERRIES.

WE PICK THE CHERRIES OFFTHE TREE AND WE PUT THEM IN THE

BASKET JUST PICK THE CHERRIES.

WE'RE OUT THERE IN THE FRESH AIRAND THE SUNSHINE.

IT'S JUST--IT'S JUST DELIGHTFUL.

IT'S JUST DELIGHTFUL.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, WELL, WELL.

IT SEEMS SOMEONE HAS STOLENMY IDEA FOR THE MIGRANT WORKER

FANTASY CAMP.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?"(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FIGURES.

AM I RIGHT, SIR?

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE MAILED THAT(BLEEP) TO MYSELF.

'CAUSE LET'S SAY YOU DID SOMEMIGRANT WORKING IN COLLEGE,

RIGHT?

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE PRETTYGOOD.

YOU COULD OF TURNED PROBUT THEN, I DON'T KNOW,

YOU BROKE YOUR LEG OR WHATEVER.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO WORKALONGSIDE THE GREATS OF MIGRANT

FARM WORKING.

IS THAT JESUS GUERERRO OVERTHERE?

I WONDER IF HE'LL SIGNMY BUSHEL?

HA-HA.

BUSHEL.

WHAT A FUNNY WORD.

I'M GLAD I MANAGED TO THROW ITIN THERE.

TALKING ABOUT GENETIC

ENGINEERING.

AND NO, WE WEREN'T HIGH.

(LAUGHTER)

MY FRIEND WAS SAYING HOW GREAT

IT WOULD BE IF YOU COULD MAKE

A CAT AS BIG AS A DOG.

YOU KNOW HAVE LIKE A HOUSE CAT

AND MAKE IT AS BIG AS LIKE A,

YOU KNOW A GOLDEN RETRIEVER

OR SOMETHING.

BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE LIKE

A TAME JUNGLE CAT RUNNING AROUND

YOUR HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I SAID, THAT'S COOL UP

TO A POINT.

BUT YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU'RE

PETTIN' THE CAT AND IT'S FINE

FOR A WHILE AND THEN THE CAT

IS DONE WITH YOU PETTIN' 'EM?

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE TURNS AROUND AND BITES

YOU ON THE HAND OR WHATEVER?

NOW THE CAT'S HEAD IS THIS BIG,

RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO INSTEAD.

YOU TAKE BIG ANIMALS AND SHRINK

THEM DOWN SO WE CAN HAVE THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

I VOTE FOR THE BEAR.

YEAH.

LET'S MAKE 'EM TINY.

LET'S HAVE A LITTLE BEAR.

MAKE 'EM SMALL.

NOT REALLY SMALL.

NOT TOO SMALL.

NOT LIKE POCKET SIZE

OR WHATEVER.

SO YOU CARRY 'EM AROUND

AND BE A JERK LIKE, HEY,

DO YOU WANNA SEE MY BEAR?

BUT JUST, YOU KNOW SMALL.

LIKE ABOUT THIS BIG.

THIS BIG.

IMAGINE IT.

HOW ADORABLE THAT WOULD BE.

A LITTLE BEAR LIKE THAT RUNNING

AROUND YOUR HOUSE.

LET'S SAY HE TRIES TO BITE YA.

HOW MUCH IS IT GONNA HURT?

HE'S JUST A HOUSE BEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT ONE MAKES ME LAUGH

A LITTLE, TOO.

I GOTTA ADMIT.

IT'S FUNNY.

IT'S FUNNY TO THINK OF IT.

(APPLAUSE)

DON'T APPLAUD FOR MY VANITY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I CAN'T ARGUE.

Paul F. Tompkins: I DON'T LIKE

JAZZ MUSIC AND I DON'T LIKE IT

ON BEHALF OF YOU, THE COMMON,

STUPID PERSON.

HERE'S WHY.

HOLD ON, YOU'RE PRETTY DUMB.

HERE'S WHY.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE JAZZ IS ALL ABOUT MAKING

THE COMMON MAN FEEL DUMB.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S A BUNCH A GUYS ALL PLAYING

DIFFERENT SONGS AT THE SAME

TIME.

IT'S JUST A RACKET.

♪ (SCAT SINGING) ♪

IT'S JUST NOISE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE A WHOLE GENRE OF MUSIC

IS DEFYING YOU TO LIKE IT,

YOU KNOW?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAN?

DON'T YOU GET OUR SMART PEOPLE'S

MUSIC?

MAYBE YOU'RE TOO DUMB, DUMMY.

IT'S THE NOTES WE'RE NOT

PLAYING.

WHAT?

THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY

SENSE.

THAT'S A TRICK.

CLEARLY IT'S A TRICK.

(APPLAUSE)

LET'S SAY YOU GO TO SEE SOME

LIVE JAZZ MUSIC.

AND IF YOU DO, I'M SORRY.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

BUT LET'S SAY YOU LOSE A BET

OR WHATEVER.

YOU FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS

INTO A JAZZ CLUB.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

SO YOU GOT THESE GUYS ON STAGE

AND IT'S HORRIBLE.

LIKE THE STAND UP BASS PLAYER,

HE'S DOING A SOLO.

HMM.

HOORAY.

AND HE'S GOING ON AND ON.

♪ (MIMICKING PLAYING BASS) ♪

SO YOU DON'T EVEN NEED

THE THING.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

AND JUST AT THE POINT WHERE

YOU'RE ALMOST ASLEEP, RIGHT?

THEN YOU THINK, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

LULLED INTO THE RHYTHM,

YOU THINK THE GUYS GOING TO GO

BOW!

BUT INSTEAD HE GOES BOOOOOW.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THIS IS THE WORST THING JAZZ

GUYS DO.

WHEN THAT HAPPENS, INSTEAD

OF GOING BOW, HE GOES BOW.

THE OTHER JAZZ GUYS ON STAGE,

THEY ALL START LAUGHING.

THEY START LAUGHING LIKE IT WAS

THE FUNNIEST THING THEY EVER DID

SEE.

OH, OH.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

AND YOU'RE IN THE AUDIENCE

SAYING; "I DON'T GET THE JAZZ

JOKE."

WHY IS THAT NOTE SO HILARIOUS?

YOU'VE PLAYED MANY NOTES THIS

EVENING.

NONE PARTICULARLY SIDE

SPLITTING.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

BECAUSE HUMOR, INHERENTLY,

IF SOMETHING IS INHERENTLY

FUNNY, IT'S RELATABLE AFTER

THE FACT.

ANYBODY WHO SAYS, "YOU HAD TO BE

THERE", SHOULD JUST NOT HAVE

TOLD YOU THE THING IN THE FIRST

PLACE 'CAUSE THEN IT'S NOT

FUNNY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I WASN'T THERE.

IF IT WAS FUNNY, I WOULDN'T HAVE

TO BE THERE.

DON'T YOU TELL ME WHERE I HAVE

TO BE, DON'T MAKE ME PUT MY BABY

DOWN.

I GREW UP IRISH LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

(APPLAUSE)

HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE!

I JUST LIKE YELLING.

LOOK, I GREW UP IRISH.

AND GROWING UP IRISH I HAD

TO HEAR SEVERAL STORIES ABOUT

THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE

IRISH POTATO FAMINE OF

THE 18 SOMETHING'S.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HOW HORRIBLE IT WAS.

LISTEN, COFFEE, MILLIONS

OF PEOPLE DIED.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DIED.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE THERE WERE NO POTATOES.

(LAUGHTER)

ARE THESE THE PICKIEST PEOPLE

IN THE WORLD?

OH, MY BELLY'S ALL BLOATED

AND DISTENDED.

I'M DYING.

IF ONLY I HAD A POTATO.

OHHH!

(APPLAUSE)

OH!

OH, SWEET BABY JESUS.

PLEASE MAKE IT RAIN POTATOES.

I'M DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DON'T YOU--

WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOME CORN?

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T LIKE CORN.

(LAUGHTER)

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER EVEN TRIED

IT.

OH YES, I DID.

YES.

I REMEMBER...

WASN'T IT CORN THAT TIME I TRIED

IT.

DON'T CARE FOR IT.

NO, I DON'T REALLY CARE FOR IT

ALL THAT MUCH.

WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO DO

SOMETHING.

JUST HAVE SOME CORN.

SEE, I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH

TEXTURES.

SOME THINGS FEEL WEIRD IN MY

MOUTH AND CORN JUST KINDA ICKY

AND GROSS.

I DON'T.

OH, NO.

NO, NO THANK YOU.

NO THANK YOU.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD

AND STARVE TO DEATH THEN?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING

BEFORE YOU HAD TO INTERVIEW ME

FOR YOUR BOOK ABOUT CORN.

WOW!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

COME ON.

Paul F. Tompkins: LET ME ASK YOU

THIS RHETORICALLY, WHICH MEANS

DON'T ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK IT.

WOULD CRACK BE SO BAD AND WOULD

PEOPLE THINK SO HARSHLY OF CRACK

IF IT WERE CALLED CRACKLE?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

NO, I DON'T.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

"HEY, YOU.

WHERE YOU GOING WITH MY STEREO

AND MY DVD PLAYER?"

"TO BUY CRACKLE."

(LAUGHTER)

"ALL RIGHT.

I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU."

THEN WE WOULD HAVE THE CRACKLE

HEADS.

WOULDN'T THAT BE GLORIOUS?

YES.

THERE'D BE THESE WONDERFUL

MYTHICAL CREATURES WE COULD TELL

OUR CHILDREN AND OUR

GRANDCHILDREN ABOUT.

WHO WERE THE CRACKLE HEADS?

WHY THE CRACKLE HEADS SHINE

YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?

THE CRACKLE HEADS PAINT IT BLUE.

THEY'RE UP ALL NIGHT FROM DOING

CRACKLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS NEXT ONE IS A FAVORITE

OF MINE.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE IT

TO THE MEMORY OF ACTOR GEORGE

CLOONEY IN CASE HE IS DEAD

BY THE TIME THIS AIRS.

(LAUGHTER)

I JUST WANNA BE ON

THE SAFE SIDE.

I LIKE 'EM.

BUT JUST IN CASE.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS IS GONNA

AIR.

ALL RIGHT.

I WAS IN A NOVELTY STORE

THE OTHER DAY, BECAUSE I AM

A FAN OF HILARITY.

AND I SAW THEY ARE STILL MAKING

THE GAG PEANUT BRITTLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YOU OPEN THE CAN OF PEANUT

BRITTLE UP AND SNAKES FLY OUT.

AND THE TIME TO REALLY GET

SOMEONE WITH THIS, I THINK,

WAS THE MID-1800s.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW BEFORE ENTERTAINMENT

WAS INVENTED.

AND THAT WAS THE BEST THEY HAD.

BUT HERE'S WHAT THEY'VE DONE.

THEY'VE UPDATED THE PACKAGING ON

THE GAG PEANUT BRITTLE TO MAKE

IT MORE CONTEMPORARY.

NOW IT'LL WORK FOR SURE!

BUT I LOVE THAT SOMEBODY THOUGHT

ABOUT IT.

THERE WAS A GUY THAT SAID,

"GENTLEMEN, THIS IS

UNACCEPTABLE, NO ONE WOULD

BE FOOLED BY THIS OUTDATED

LOOKING CAN OF PEANUT BRITTLE.

I WANT FIVE MODERN FONTS

ON MY DESK BY 5 O'CLOCK.

FIVE BY 5:00 I SAY.

THEN THEY DID IT.

SO NOW IF SOMEONE WERE

TO COME UP TO ME AND SAY

"SAY, PAUL, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME

OF THIS CANNED PEANUT BRITTLE?"

I WOULD OF COURSE SAY,

"OH, CANNED PEANUT BRITTLE.

MY FAVORITE COMMON SNACK

THAT I EAT ALL THE TIME.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SO USED TO SEEING CANNED

PEANUT BRITTLE THAT I HAVE

NO CAUSE TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF YOU

WHATSOEVER.

SO, YES, INDEED, SIR, MY GOOD

FINE FELLOW.

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SOME

PEANUT BRITTLE OUT OF A CAN.

THE MOST NATURAL SNACK IN

THE WORLD, THAT I CANNOT GET

ENOUGH OF, BECAUSE I'M SO USED

TO SEEING IT EVERY DAY THAT

I DREAM ABOUT PEANUT BRITTLE

COMING OUT OF A CAN.

SO YES, LET ME HAVE SOME CANNED

PEANUT BRITTLE.

NO, NO, NO, I'LL OPEN IT UP.

YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH.

HERE WE GO."

GETTING READY TO ENJOY THE MOST

COMMON GARDEN-VARIETY SNACK IN

THE HISTORY OF GODS GREEN EARTH

CANNED PEANUT BRITTLE.

HERE WE GO.

I'LL JUST TWIST OFF THE CAN--

"OHHHH, MY GOD!

(LAUGHTER)

OH!

DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT

THIS CAN OF PEANUT BRITTLE.

AT ANY NUMBER OF STORES,

I'M SURE THAT CARRY IT BUT

LISTEN, YOU SHOULD GO TELL

THE GUY, HE MUST HAVE GOTTEN

A BAD BATCH FROM INDIA

OR SOMETHING.

BECAUSE TWO VENOMOUS COBRAS

JUMPED OUT OF THE CAN ONE TRIED

TO HOOK MY EYEBALL WITH A FANG

OR SOMETHING.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT,

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

LITTLE SPRINGS ENCASED IN VINYL?

(LAUGHTER)

SIR, YOU HAVE FOOLED ME TWICE."

THAT'S GOOD COMEDY.

Paul F. Tompkins: FOLKS,

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS.

I JUST WANNA SAY THIS HAS BEEN

A LOTTA FUN.

BEFORE I DO THIS NEXT BIT.

AND I JUST WANNA SAY, HELLO

TO THE PEOPLE THAT I WORK WITH

AT THAT FACTORY WHO THINK

I CALLED OUT SICK.

BUT I CAME HERE TO DO

A TV SPECIAL SO, SORRY GUYS.

I HAD TO FOOL YA.

I DON'T WORK IN A FACTORY.

YOU KIDDING?

LOOK AT ME.

ALL RIGHT.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE

WRITE LETTERS TO MAGAZINES.

IT ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.

IT'S POINTLESS.

YOU WANNA SEE YOUR NAME IN PRINT

THAT BAD, WRITE IT ON A PIECE

OF PAPER AND LOOK AT IT.

AH, THERE IT IS.

JUST AS I ALWAYS DREAMED.

I CAN MAYBE UNDERSTAND IT,

MAYBE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THIS MUCH,

IF YOU'RE MAD AT THE MAGAZINE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

IF YOU DISAGREE WITH SOMETHING

OR WHATEVER AND YOU GOTTA WRITE

'EM AN ANGRY MISSIVE, YOU KNOW.

"DEAR MAGAZINE: I AM MOST

DISPLEASED..."

NAAHHH!

THERE, YOU'VE REALLY STRUCK

A BLOW.

YOU'RE LIKE A NEW ROSA PARKS

OR SOMETHING.

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

DOING IT FOR US ALL.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS,

WHEN PEOPLE WRITE LETTERS

TO MAGAZINES TO SAY HOW MUCH

THEY AGREED WITH A PARTICULAR

REVIEW.

OR HOW MUCH THEY ENJOYED

A PARTICULAR ARTICLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU MIGHT AS WELL WRITE A LETTER

TO YOUR GROCERY STORE.

"DEAR GROCERY STORE: THANKS FOR

PUTTING YOUR EGGS IN A CARTON.

IT MAKES 'EM A LOT EASIER TO GET

'EM HOME."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, I'M ON A LETTER WRITING

TEAR.

"DEAR ALARM CLOCK: THANKS FOR

WAKING ME UP IN THE MORNING."

(LAUGHTER)

OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T READ THIS

CAUSE YOU'RE JUST A THING.

MY FAVORITE LETTERS TO

THE MAGAZINES ARE LETTERS

TO ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY--

I CALL IT E.W. BECAUSE I'M BUSY.

BUT--

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE WRITE LETTERS TO

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY TO SAY

HOW MUCH THEY LIKED THE PICTURE

ON THE COVER.

WHAT THE HELL.

THAT'S THEIR WHOLE LETTER.

"DEAR ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY:

THANKS SO MUCH FOR PUTTING A

PICTURE OF J-LO AND BEN AFFLECK

ON THE COVER OF YOUR MAGAZINE.

I LIKE THEM.

SO YOU CAN IMAGINE I WAS SURE

PLEASED TO SEE A PICTURE OF 'EM

ON THE FRONT OF YOUR BOOK.

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

IT IS NICE OF YOU TO PUT

PICTURES OF THINGS I LIKE

ON YOUR MAGAZINE FRONT PART.

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,

HERE'S SOME OTHER THINGS I LIKE.

I LIKE TOMATOES, TEA COZIES,

SOME DOGS, MOST CATS.

THERE'S A CAT IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

NAMED 'SPEEDY' I'M AWFUL

FOND OF.

MAYBE YOU COULD PUT A PICTURE

OF 'EM ON YOUR MAGAZINE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'D SEND

A PHOTOGRAPHER TO TAKE A PICTURE

OF 'EM OR A SKETCH ARTIST

TO DRAW A PICTURE OF 'EM

BUT YOU BETTER BE QUICK,

'CAUSE THEY DON'T CALL HIM

SPEEDY FOR NOTHING.

OH, WELL.

ALL THE BLOOD IS LEAVING MY HEAD

NOW, SO I BETTER SIGN OFF.

LOVE A BIG DUMB JACKASS."

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)

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