Tuesday, January 12, 2016

  • 01/12/2016

Joe Randazzo, John Hodgman and Paul F. Tompkins caption "Star Wars" stock photos, come up with #PresidentialMovies and reveal the age cutoffs for some of life's milestones.

It's Rapid Refresh.

-Yeah!-(cheers and applause)

Whoa, it's a new graphic.

Love the new graphic.

Let's get throughas many of these as we can.

These are some top storiestrending online today.

Uh, let's fly through.First off, do not click on this.

Well, you don't tell mewhat is my (bleep),

I will tell youwhat the (bleep) ah-ah!

Get ready to wishyou never saw this.

-WOMAN: No!-Oh...

Oh, what is that? That's weird.What could that possibly be?

Is it...

Joe Randazzo.

I want to say clipfrom the Voltron porn parody,

because I've been masturbating

to the idea of thatfor a long time.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Yeah.

But I'm gonna gowith B, baby stimulator.

-HARDWICK: It's not a baby...-(laughter)

-(applause)-Can we... can we sneak in?

(laughter continues)

HARDWICK:I'm... fairly certain...

I based all of it on whatI've masturbating to for years.

so that's...Any of these would have...


Uh, thing is...(mumbling gibberish)

...well, um, eh...

I think by "baby stimulator,"

Joe just meantsomebody jingling keys.

HARDWICK: Yeah.That would stimulate a baby.

-A naked man jiggling...-Joe!

-over the baby...-(laughter)

The correct answer is...

B, a baby simulator. A baby simulator.

Uh, which is oddly horrifying.

(screaming, groaning)

Moving on, our next topic--Seal of Disapproval.

Let's go to Seal of Disapproval.

The upstate New York townof Whitesboro,

which sounds likean assisted living facility

for senile Klansmen, votedlast night in favor of keeping

their racially insensitivevillage seal.

This is a real thing.Oh, come on, guys.

Aw, Jesus!

Now, the seal's defendersclaim...

they claimthey're just wrestling!


Hey, how about this?So what?!

-It's still not good.-It's still not good.

Well, okay, thenwhatever is going on here,

maybe you could explain.

Comedians, tell uswhat is happening in this seal.

-Hodgman.-I don't know what's going on,

but it's the perfect double down(bleep) you new logo

for the Washington Redskins.

-(laughter)-All right. Points.

(whooping, applause)

Our next topic,moving down the trending line,

our next topic:#KissAGingerDay!

-It's trending!-(cheering)


you know what that means.

You get points if you kissour resident ginger-- Randy!

-♪ -Here he comes!

All right, get in thereand score some points!

You get pointsif you let him kiss you.

-(cheering)-Oh, points to Paul F. Tompkins!

Wait a minute. Oh!

Points to Hodgman!

Aw, do it, do it.


Oh, oh...

All right, you only get...

Yeah. Points.

Aah, I'm good!I'm good.

I already got it.(kisses)

Now, Randy is gonna go kisseveryone in America

in support of this hashtag.Get out of here, Randy.

Start kissing!There he goes.

Oh, kisses.

Kiss a ginger.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

Oh! Look out!

January is a big monthfor President Obama.

Or, as we would say in supportof the recent college win,

uh, President O-bama.

Uh, he has justwrapped up his final

State of the Union address.

In a couple weeksthe Sundance Film Festival

will premiere the film Southside With You,

a dramedy about how a youngBarack won the heart

of his future wife Michelle.

So, uh, it's basicallyhis origin story, right?

So may I suggestthe alternative title

Barack Begins.

That would have beena way to go.

-But...-That's not canon anymore.

This could potentiallyset up a whole presidential

cinematic universe,so we're gonna brainstorm

with some more filmswith tonight's hashtag


Examples might be Oval Office Space

or Hoover Framed Roger Rabbit?

or Batman v. Truman: Dawn of Justice.

Let's start with 60 seconds.Begin. Joe.

-Throw Bama From the Train. -Points.

Oh, amazing.Points. Paul.

-James and the Giant Impeachment. -Points.

-Hodgman. -Diary of a Mad Black First President.

Points. Randazzo.

Uh, Bush Did 9 1/2 Weeks.

Points. Very good.Yes, Paul.

Woodrow Wil-son of the Mask.

Points. Joe.

Uh, Pootie Taft.

Poi... Points.

Joe Randazzo again.

Oh, thank you.Thank you very much.

Uh, Madea's Air Force One.

Yeah, points.Hodgman.

The Assassination of JFK by the Cowardly Alliance

of the Pope, Cuba and Lady Bird Johnson.


Uh, Precious: Based on the Novel Bush by Sapphire.

It's now time to play

Grandparents!They're Just Like Us!

Everybody loves their sweet ol'grandmammies and their pee-paws,

but did you know that back whenthey were in high school

they were probably assholes?Well, a Redditor

named The_Blackfish postedsome yearbook photos from 1946

and apparently thegreatest generation was also

the most passive-aggressiveand sexist generation.

Take this, for example.Here we go.

"Doris Hundley: Plenty ofgoodness for someone to love.

He'll come someday, Hundley."What?

(bleep) you, 1946.

This is some very grossand sexist (bleep).

We thought we should even upthe score, so comedians,

I'm gonna show you some oldhigh school photos of dudes.

For 250 points I want youto give 'em the same

snark treatment these yearbookeditors gave these ladies.

Uh, first up,this valiant prince.


Hey, Norman, that hair helmetsure wasn't enough

to keep you from gettingbrain damage.

Eyes on the road, Norman.


By the way, just so everyonewho wants to know,

um, that's Bruce Willis.That's Bruce Willis.

-Ew.-Now you can see it.

I'm also super approachable.

Uh... Next up,how about this spiffy sailor?

Paul F.

Way to hidein plain sight, Gil.

Now no one will ever suspectyour intense sexual attraction

to cartoon ducks.


(imitates foghorn)You're a gay.

Points.Do you guys know...

do you recognize who this is?

-Buster Poindexter.-Well, no, very close. -Ah!

-David Johansen.-Denzel Washington.

-Sean Connery.-Oh! -Oh, my God.

-That is Sean Connery.-That's right.

Next up, this swarthy fella.This swarthy fella. Who is this?

Paul F. Tompkins.

Congratulations to Eugene

on his recenteyebrow separation.


He's very upset about it.

Uh, points to Paul.Hodgman.

Alan sure has a hot temper,

but that's becausehe's an ethnic of some kind.

We're not curious enoughto find out.


I-I sure wouldlike to see this fella

being chokedon the Whitesboro flag.

You'll be fine when I tell youwho it is, you'll be fine

-when I tell you... -Whitesboro,look out-- new mascot.

who it is.Randazzo.

All the kids tease Pablobecause his dad's from Peru

and his mother'sa (bleep) ferret.

Points. Now...

you probably didn'trecognize who this is,

because you're not usedto seeing this part of him.

Uh, Ron Jeremy. That's RonJeremy's high school picture.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Next up, next up,this serious puss here.

What is that? That's veryserious. Randazzo.

Well, Warren, if you didn'twant us all to pick on you,

maybe you shouldn'thave been such an orphan.



Hey, there, Martin,you better not jack up

the price of AIDS medicationby 5,000%.

Paul F. Tompkins.

Have fun this summer, Chuck.

Have fun hearing the phrase,"Hey, it's tween Hitler."

Points to Paul F. Tompkins.

By the way,that is actually tween Hitler.

-That is young...-Yay! -Yes!

-Paul F. Tompkins... -You can'thide from me, Hitler!

I must give Paul F. Tompkins100 points

for correctly spottingboy Hitler.

Hey, you know what,let me just bring up a point.

-No!-A very quick point.

-No, hands down. Hands down!-John, please.

-Do you guys want to hear metalk about this? -Hands down!

Stop it!

Next up,this unfortunate graduate.

This unfortunategraduate here.

Uh, Hodgman.

Worst high-top fade ever.

Points.Paul F. Tompkins.

Good luck, Clarence.Sorry you got trapped

in that teleportation tubewith a frog.


Does anyone know who this is?

Anyone know who this...It's Lil Jon, yeah, well done.

-Well done, there he is.-Stephen-Stephen Hawking.

Before the break,

I gave each of our comedianstheir own Star Wars stock photo,

and I asked you to give mea line from a presentation

or an adthat that would be applied to.

First up, Hodgman,you had this beach bod.

Here we go.Let's see what you wrote.

Tonight, on The Bachelor...

(mimics Jabba laughing)

Aw, now I feel like I needa Salacious Crumb right here.

(mimics Salacious laughing)

All right, next up, Joe,you had this loving couple.

Let's see what you, uh,came up with.

(Wookiee sounds)

Which is Wook-Wookiee for,"We're getting an abortion."

Paul F., you had, uh,Leia rebelling

against the boardroom here.

So, uh,what did you come up with?

Being the only woman on staffmeans you get

presentational opportunitiesmen never seem to get.

As we go to our next game

Point of No Return.Point of No Return.

Life is a journey fullof wondrous milestones,

like a baby's first steps,a child's first kiss,

jacking off to the DVD boxof your mom's workout video,

hearing the garage door open,and desperately wiping off

the DVD before she gets backfrom the grocery store

and crying 'cause you don't knowwhat's happening to your body,

and theneventually getting married

and having a family of your own.

So, while universal experienceslike those come

at different timesfor different people,

Thrillist has compiled a listof things we should stop doing

at certain ages.

Like age three,stop sucking your thumb.

All right.Age 25, stop working for free.

Age 33, stop crying at work.


-I'm sure some...-33?

33. 33's the cutoff.

-They give you a long time...-Seems pretty far, yeah.

-Yes. -That's a long timeto stop crying.

It's 35 in New Jersey.

I'm sure somewere left off the list,

so I'd like you to give mesome other things

you should have gotten overby a certain age in 60 seconds.

-And begin. Randazzo.-(bell dings)

Age 20,stop marrying Hugh Hefner.

-Points. Hodgman.-(bell dings)

Age 49, stop kidding yourselfthat you're anything but meat.

-Points. Paul F.-(bell dings)

Age 25, stop readingCharles Bukowski.

-Points. Paul F. Tompkins.-(bell dings)

Age 18, stop being deadfor three years. Dogs only.


-(bell dings)-Randazzo.

Age 27, stop telling everyoneyou're an atheist.

We (bleep) know.

-All right, points. Paul F.-(bell dings)

Age 45, being relevant.

All right, points.

-(bell dings)-Randazzo.

Age seven, stop wetting the bed.

-Points. Randazzo.-(bell dings)

Age 67,start wetting the bed again.

-Points. Randazzo!-(bell dings)

Oh! Age 81,

stop referring to the Irish asdirty potato (bleep), Grandpa.


-(bell dings)-Hodgman.

Age 1,037, stop drinkingthe blood of orphans

to replenishyour wretched life force.

(buzzer sounds)