Ford, Swardson, Y'all

  • 06/12/1998

I'M FEELING SILLY, BABY !

COME ON,LET'S GET SILLY.

SILLY.

HEY, MAN, YOU GUYS...

IF YOU'RE GONNA GET A PET,IF YOU GET A CAT,

GET IT DE-CLAWED

'CAUSE, SERIOUSLY,THIS IS A TRUE STORY,

I FELL ASLEEP ONE NIGHT...

AND MY DINKY DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP.

OH, THAT'S FUNNY.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DREAMING ABOUT,

BUT IT MUST'VE BEEN A GOOD DREAM

'CAUSE I GUESSHE MUST'VE BEEN MOVING,

AND I GUESS AS HE WAS MOVING,

I GUESS THE TOP OF THE COVERSSTARTED MOVING.

AND THE CAT SEESTHE COVERS MOVING...

YOU KNOW...

AND GIRLS THINK THIS IS HILARIOUS, MAN.

THEY DON'T HELP YOU OUT.

THEY GET ON THE PHONE.

"YOU ARE NOT GONNABELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED !

PROMISE YOUWON'T TELL ANYONE."

FRIENDS ON THE PHONE...

PEOPLE IN JAPAN...

I'M JUST ABOUT READY TO GO OUT.

I'M ALL JAZZED UP,I'M DOING MY THING.

THE CENSORS COME UP.

THEY TELL ME THERE'SSOME LANGUAGE IN MY ACT

THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE,

RIGHT BEFORE I'M GONNA GO OUT.

SO I'M LIKE,I'M GONNA GO OUT THERE,

I'M GONNA DO MY THING,

THE WAY I WOULD DO IT FOR YOU PEOPLE.

BUT, BUT, BUT

WHAT I'LL DOTO APPEASE THEM,

MUCH LIKE WHEN YOU WATCH A MOVIETHAT'S EDITED FOR TELEVISION,

I'M JUST GONNA TWEAK.

I'M JUST GONNA CHANGEMY THINGS A LITTLE BIT.

SO CAN WE DO THAT ?

YEAH ?

AND TO THOSE CENSORSYOU KNOW WHAT I SAY ?

SUCK MY...

( clucking sounds )

YEAH !

LET'S ROCK THIS MOTHER-FATHER.

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MEWHEN I WAS LITTLE.

I WAS A SCARED LITTLE KID.

I WAS SCARED OF SO MUCH.

THE THING I WAS MOST SCARED OF KOOL AID.

REMEMBER THE COMMERCIALSFOR KOOL AID ?

THAT BIG TALKINGBOWL OF PUNCH

COME CRASHINGTHROUGH YOUR WALL.

OH, YEAH !

OH, YEAH !

AND ALL THE LITTLE KIDSON THE COMMERCIAL ARE LIKE

"HA, HA, HA !"

I'M IN MY LIVING ROOM LIKE,"RUN, GO !

GET THE FUNK OUT OF THERE !"

I'M WATCHING TELEVISION TONIGHT.

I'M WATCHING"THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL".

YOU KNOW THIS CHANNEL,

YOU NEVER EVER PLAN ON WATCHING THIS.

IT JUST HAPPENS.

YOU'RE FLICKING AROUND,ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM,

YOU'RE WATCHING A FUNKING MOLEFOR A HOUR AND A HALF.

AND YOU ARE LOCKEDINTO THAT MOLE.

THEY GET THIS GUY ON THE CHANNEL TOO,

HIS NAME ISSTEVE IRWIN.

HAS ANYBODY SEEN THIS GUY ?

HE'S LIKE THISCRAZY AUSTRALIAN GUY.

I DON'T THINK HE'S EVENLICENSED TO BE NEAR ANIMALS.

THEY JUST SEND HIM INTO THE WOODS WITH CAMERAS,

HE KICKS TREES...

SO THE OTHER DAYHE'S A TOTAL FREAK.

THIS IS WHAT HE DOES,HE'S IN AUSTRALIA.

HE'S BY A HUGE LAKE AND IT'S FILLED--

YOU CAN SEECROCODILES EVERYWHERE.

HE LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA,HE GOES, "HELLO, HI."

"HELLO."

HE'S ALWAYS CREEPING AROUND.

"HELLO, HI."

LIKE HE'S LOOKING IN YOUR WINDOW.

"HI, WELL, HELLO."

HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA,HE LOOKS AT THE LAKE, HE GOES,

"I'M GONNA DIVE INTO THIS LAKEFILLED WITH CROCODILES

JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS."

HE'S WALKINGTHROUGH THE WOODS.

HE'S LIKE, "I'M GONNA SHOVEMY HEAD IN THIS BEEHIVE.

"TAKE A LOOK AROUND...

GORGEOUS !"

THEN FOR LIKE A HALF HOURSTRAIGHT AFTER HIS SHOW IS OVER,

I'M WATCHING THIS SHOW,

AND I SERIOUSLY THINKTHE TITLE OF IT WAS

"WATCH THESE RHINOS FUNK",I SWEAR TO GOD.

AND IT WAS AMAZING THE WAY ITALL KIND OF LIKE WENT DOWN.

THE FEMALE RHINO,

SHE'S JUST HANGING OUT BY THE LAKE, BY HERSELF...

AND THE MALE RHINO'S HANGING OUT WITH HIS BOYS.

HE'S OVER HERE.

SO HE JUST WORKSHIS WAY OVER THERE,

AND WITHOUT EVEN A "HELLO"HE JUST GOES...

AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN MOVE.

SHE'S JUST LIKE...

BUT THE THING IS,

I SAW SOMETHING KIND OF WEIRD,SO I TAPED IT.

AND WHEN I WATCHED IT BACKIN SLOW MOTION

I SEEN THE WEIRDEST THING.

THE CAMERA ISIN THE BUSHES OVER HERE.

IT'S LIKE THISRHINE PORNO I'M WATCHING.

AND IF YOU WATCHIN SLOW MOTION,

I SWEAR TO GOD,YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT.

YOU CATCH IT, YOU SEE THE RHINO,HE GOES LIKE THIS...

I GOT INTO A FIGHT RECENTLY,

AND I GET INTO A LOT OF FIGHTS.

THE ONE THING I CAN DO ISI'M REALLY GOOD,

I'M VERY GOOD--

FROM ME AND MY FRIENDS HAVEGOTTEN INTO SO MANY FIGHTS,

AT PICKING UP THE WAYDIFFERENT ETHNIC GROUPS

PREPARE TO FIGHT.

THAT'S WHEN I KNOWIT'S GOING DOWN.

SERIOUSLY.

THESE ARE THE THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR.

LIKE LATINOS, THEY LICKTHEIR LIPS CONSTANTLY

RIGHT BEFORE A FIGHT.

WHEREAS WHITE GUYS,

WE WIPE OUR MOUTHS ALL THE TIME.

WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, COME ON !

"COME ON, YEAH !

YOU AND ME !"

BLACK GUYS ARE THE BEST,

'CAUSE BLACK GUYS,THEY JUST STAND REALLY STILL.

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S COMING,

AND THE THING THAT MAKES THEMLOOK EVEN MORE STATUESQUE

IS THE FACT THAT THEIR BOYSARE AROUND THEM

AND THEY'RE MORE ANIMATED,THEY'RE AROUND HIM GOING,

"OH, YEAH !OH, YEAH !

"THAT IS HIM,THAT IS HIM !

YOU, HIM, GOING DOWN !"

I NEED TO SHARE THIS WITHYOU 'CAUSE I NEED TO WARN Y'ALL.

I CANNOT TRUST MY DOCTOR ANYMORE.

I CAN'T 'CAUSE HAVE YOU NOTICEDTHAT WHENEVER WE'RE SICK

AND THEY PRESCRIBE SOMETHING FOR US,

THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE WORSE THAN THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM ?

OKAY ?

THERE IS A PRESCRIPTIONSLEEPING PILL THAT'SSUPPOSED TO CURE INSOMNIA

BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE AMNESIA...

AND PARANOIA.

HOW DOES THAT WORK ?

YOU'RE LIKE HEY, HOW'D YOU SLEEP ?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

WHO SENT YOU ?

I TALK ABOUT THIS AND ISHARE THIS WITH PEOPLE

BECAUSE I HAD SOMETHING HAPPENTO ME RECENTLY, I WAS MORTIFIED.

I HAD A REALLY SEVERE STOMACHACHE,

YOU KNOW, FROM EATING MY OWN COOKING.

WISH I WAS JOKING.

MY DOCTOR PRESCRIBED MEDICINE.

I WENT TO THE PHARMACY TO PICK IT UP.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO TO THE PHARMACY,

THEY GIVE YOU A PAMPHLET, TELLS YOU ALL ABOUT THE DRUG.

RIGHT ON TOP IT SAID:

"THIS MEDICATION MAY CAUSE STOMACHACHE".

OKAY, SOME OF YOU ARE WITH ME.

I'LL RECAP.

I HAD A STOMACHACHE.

DOCTOR GAVE ME SOMETHINGTHAT CAUSED A STOMACHACHE.

THIS IS LIKE GOING INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

WITH A GUNSHOT WOUND AND HAVINGTHE DOCTOR PUMP TWO MORE IN YOU.

CALL ME IN THE MORNING.

YOUR KNOW, THERE'S JUST SO MUCH I DON'T UNDERSTAND,

THAT I THINK I SHOULD.

I AM NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT PUBLICLY

THAT I AM VERY CONFUSED ABOUT EBONICS.

DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKESOMEBODY AT EBONY MAGAZINE

AND HOOKED ON PHONICS GOT DRUNK AT A PARTY ONE NIGHT ?

AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOTTEACHING THAT TO THE KIDS,

THEY'RE TEACHING IT TO THE TEACHERS,

TO MAKE THEM MORE SENSITIVE TO THE WAY YOUNG PEOPLE SPEAK.

THAT SCARES ME.

'CAUSE I GET THIS VISIONOF LIKE MS. CRABTREE

ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

WITH HER LITTLE ENGLISH EBONICS DICTIONARY TRYING TO BE DOWN.

WELL, GOOD MORNING CLASS,

WELCOME BACK TO THE SKIZZLE, WHAT'S UP ?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING OVERYOUR TEST PAPERS

AND SOME OF YOU ARE DOING...

AA-IGHT.

THE PROBLEM SEEMS TO BE THAT

SOME OF YOU AREN'T DOING YOUR HOMEWORK.

IF THIS CONTINUES I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUST A CAP IN THAT ASS.

KEEP IT REAL.

OH, MAN.

DO ANY OF Y'ALL HAVE KIDS ?

I'M JUST CURIOUS, ANYBODY HAVE KIDS ?

YOU KNOW WHAT I FIGURED OUT ?

LITTLE KIDS ARE SMARTER THAN GROWN-UPS.

I HAVE A NIECE.

WHEN THIS CHILD WAS FIVE, I'MTHINKING SHE'S JUST A BABY,

OH NO.

SHE WALKED UP TO ME, SHE SAID,

"AUNTIE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT LESBIANS ARE ?"

I SAID, DO YOU ?

SHE SAID, "UH-HUH, LESBIANS ARETWO WOMEN WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER,DON'T WE AUNTIE ?"

OH, GOD.

YEAH, WE DO, BABY.

GO ON AND PUT ON THE K.D. LANG, LET'S DANCE.

AND I'M PSYCHED ABOUT THAT, BUT

I WANT TO SHOW UP

AS LIKE THE FIRST THINGI WANTED TO BE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

REMEMBER YOU WERE LIKEFIVE YEARS OLD AND YOU WERE LIKE,

MAN, I'M GONNA DO THIS.

I'M GONNA DO IT, I SWEAR.

BUT IT WASN'T LIKE A REAL JOB.

THAT'D BE COOL IF YOU SHOWEDUP AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,

"HOW'S IT GOING, NICK ?"

"YEAH, IT'S ME, BOB, REMEMBER ?

"YEAH, I'M A REAL ESTATE AGENTNOW AND I'VE GOT MY OWN COMPANY.

"JIM'S A LAWYER AND HE'S GOT HIS OWN FIRM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?"

I AM A NINJA.

I RULE THE NIGHT.

"THAT'S COOL, MAN."

THIS IS A COOL JOB, THOUGH.

MY FRIEND'S GOT THE COOLEST JOB.

ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS A PROFESSIONAL MAGICIAN.

SERIOUSLY MAN,

IT'S SO COOL.

IT'S SO UNEXPECTED,WE GO TO PARTIES.

HE'S THE BEST TO HAVE AT THE PARTY

'CAUSE ALL THESE DRUNK PEOPLE COME UP LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING ?"

"NOTHING, LET ME SEE THAT BEER.

NOW IT'S A BIRD."

THE GUYS LIKE, "YOU'RE THE DEVIL.

"DUDE, GO AWAY, MAN.

"THE DEVIL'S AT THE PARTY.

"I DON'T WANT HIM HERE.

GET HIM OUT."

IT'S COOL, MAN.

BUT THE ONLY DOWN-SIDE TO HAVING A MAGICAL FRIEND,

IS HE ALWAYS INVITES US ON DOUBLE DATES

LIKE THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS.

AND THAT'S THE WORST

BECAUSE I'M A NICE GUYBUT HE'S MAGIC.

LIKE I CAN'T, THERE'S NO WAY I CAN COMPETE WITH THAT.

HE SHOWS UP, HE'S SO SMOOTH,GIRLS LOVE HIM.

HE'S LIKE, "HOW'S IT GOING ?"YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT.

"YOUR HAIR, IS THAT A COIN ?

"NOW IT'S A ROSE.

NOW IT'S MONEY."

AND SHE'S LIKE,"MAGIC MAN I NEED YOU.

"THE MAGIC INSIDE.

"BRING IT ON.

"OH, THE MAGIC.

"THE MAGIC.

I NEED IT."

AND I SHOW UP, WHAT AM I GONNA DO, I'M LIKE,

HI, I BROUGHT YOU THIS ROSE.

NOW IT'S BROKEN.

IT'S A COOL PLACE,BUT I'M REALLY SMALL.

SO I MOVE THERE, I HATE FIGHTING.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

MY FIRST WEEKEND THERE

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, "HEY, WE GOTTA GO OUT, DUDE.

"WE GOTTA DRINK MAN.

WE'RE GOING OUT."

I'M LIKE, ALRIGHT.

WE GO OUT, WE GET IN A FIGHT IN A BAR.

THIS WAS THE WORST EXPERIENCE

BECAUSE I'M REALLY SMALL,I DON'T LIKE TO FIGHT.

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGSWHERE IT WAS LIKE AN ACCIDENT.

THE LAST FIGHT I WAS INWAS LIKE IN THIRD GRADE

AND THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

IT'S LIKE, "YOU SMELL LIKE POOP."

"IT'S OVER, DUDE, IT'S OVER."

BUT THIS WAS LIKE SERIOUS.

AND IT ALL STARTED

WHEN I KNOCKED THIS GUY'S DRINK OVER.

BUT IT WASN'T LIKE A GUY.

IT WAS A GUY.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS LIKE SERIOUS

AND IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU MESS UP,

TIME JUST STOPS.

IT WAS ALL IN LIKE SLOW MOTION.

I WAS AT THE BAR LIKE,

"OH YEAH, THE BATHROOMS ARE RIGHT OVER THERE."

OH, NO.

AND THE GUY WAS LIKE SO MAD HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANY WORDS.

HE WAS LIKE...

AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS WERE LIKE,

"YEAH, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT."

MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE, "WE'RE GONNA GO PLAY POOL, DUDE.

CALL US LATER, MAN."

AND I FREAKED OUT.

AND IT'S NOT FAIR 'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW ANIMALS--

GOD GAVE ANIMALS THINGS TODO WHEN THEY GET IN TROUBLE.

THEY DO COOL STUFF.

HE DIDN'T GIVE US ANYTHING TO DO.

YOU KNOW LIKE ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL, LIKE ON SPECIALS.

I SAW THIS SPECIAL ABOUTTHIS LIZARD IN AUSTRALIA

AND WHEN HE GETS INTO TROUBLE

ITS HIS HEAD SWELLS UP

AND IT JUST TAKES OFF.

LIKE THAT'S COOL,

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU SEE SOME GUY IN A BAR DO THAT.

LIKE, "HEY, LET'S GO BUDDY, LET'S DO IT."

WHAT ME ?

IT'S LIKE I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT IN A BAR, YOU KNOW.

NOT AGAIN.

BUT I GOTTA DO SOMETHING 'CAUSETHIS GUY WAS RIGHT IN MY FACE

AND I GREW UP WITHCATS MY WHOLE LIFE.

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

I WAS LIKE, OKAY.

THE GUY'S LIKE "LET'S GO, DUDE."I'M LIKE ALRIGHT.

LET'S GO.

LET'S DO IT.

( loud purring )

( hissing )

THE GUY WAS LIKE, "DUDE, MAN."

THANKS A LOT YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT NIGHT.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO THE SHOW.

WE'RE GONNA SING Y'ALL ASONG CALLED "THE EGG MAN".

THIS IS A SONG STEVE AND I WROTE

WHEN WE FIRST GOT TO NEW YORK, ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.

WE GOT A JOB IN A REVIVALTHEATER AND WE SAW THIS MOVIE

"PINK FLAMINGOS OVER"AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

BECAUSE WE SAW THIS MOVIETHAT JOHN WATERS MADE

AND I THOUGHT THAT THE REVIVAL THEATER WAS GONNA BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE TENT REVIVAL.

'CAUSE MY DADDY'S A TENT REVIVALIST.

HE IS.

BACK IN OKEY-DOKEY, TEXAS, MY HOMETOWN.

IN FACT THE REASON WHY I LEFT OKEY DOKEY, TEXAS,

MY HOMETOWN, IS BECAUSE I HAD A VISION

OF MY DADDY'S TENT REVIVAL,JUST LIKE THEY DO IN THE BIBLE.

AND I THOUGHT OF THAT VISION CROSS COUNTRY

UNTIL I GOT TO THIS LITTLE TOWN CALLED CIRCLEVILLE, OHIO

WHICH IS WHERE I MET STEVENWHO'S FROM CORNFLAKE, INDIANA

BUT THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY.

ANYWAY, BEFORE I LEFT OKEY DOKEY, TEXAS MY HOMETOWN.

MY UNCLE JOE PULLED ME ASIDE ANDHE GAVE ME HIS LUCKY GREEN DRESS

FOR LUCK ON MY JOURNEY.

IT'S A LUCKY THING I WAS WEARINGTHAT LUCKY GREEN DRESS

WHEN I GOT TOCIRCLEVILLE, OHIO,

BECAUSE THIS TERRIBLE THUNDER STORM CAME DOWN

AND I COULDN'T SEE A THING.

I GOT STUCK IN THE MIDDLEOF A PUMPKIN PATCH.

BUT STEVEN SAW THE SPARKLEOF MY LUCKY GREEN DRESS

OUT THERE IN THE STORM

AND HE CAME RUNNING OUTAND HE SAVED MY LIFE

AND WE ENDED UP IN NEW YORK CITY.

AND THEN WE GOT THE JOBAT THE REVIVAL THEATER

AND WE SAW THAT MOVIE"PINK FLAMINGOS" OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

THIS ISN'T THE LUCKY GREEN DRESSI'M WEARING TONIGHT.

THIS IS ANOTHER DRESSMY UNCLE JOE SENT ME

SO I WOULDN'T GET GOOBERS AND EVERYTHING

ALL OVER THE LUCKY GREEN DRESS

THERE AT THE REVIVAL THEATERWHERE WE SAW "PINK FLAMINGOS",

THEN WE WROTE THIS SONG,IT'S CALLED "THE EGG MAN".

WE'RE GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW.

ONE TWO...♪ WHERE IS THE EGG MAN

♪ DON'T HE KNOWI'M HUNGRY ♪

♪ DON'T HE KNOW THISTRAILER PARK IS BIG ENOUGHFOR US THREE ♪

♪ OH, I LOVE HIMAND I LOVE EGGS ♪

♪ I LOVE TO BLOW THEM, SUCK THEM, THROW THEM, CHUCK THEM ♪

♪ RUNNINGDOWN MY LEGS ♪

♪ WHERE ISTHE EGG MAN ♪

♪ AIN'T HE RUNNING LATE ♪

♪ AIN'T HE GONNA COME ANDTAKE ME ON AN OVER-EASY DATE ♪

♪ OH, I LOVE HIMAND I LOVE EGGS ♪

♪ I LOVE TO BLOW THEM, SUCK THEM, THROW THEM, CHUCK THEM ♪

♪ RUNNING DOWN MY LEGS,HERE COMES THE EGG MAN ♪

♪ AND I THINK HE LOVES ME TOO ♪

♪ HE SAYS HE HASA QUESTION FOR ME ♪

♪ WANTS ME JUST TO SAY I DO ♪

♪ OH, YES, I DO

♪ I DOLOVE EGGS ♪

♪ I LOVE TO BLOW THEM, SUCK THEM, THROW THEM, CHUCK THEM ♪

♪ RUNNING DOWN MY LEGS

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO,DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ DO, DO, DO,DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ OH, YES I DO

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ OH, YES I DO

♪ I DO LOVE EGGS ♪

♪ I LOVE TO BLOW THEM,SUCK THEM, THROW THEMCHUCK THEM ♪

♪ RUNNING DOWN MY LEGS,I MARRIED EGG MAN ♪

♪ IT'S SCRAMBLED BLISS ♪

♪ I'VE GOT HIM HEN PECKEDAND HE GIVES ME GOOEY KISS ♪

♪ A YELLOW KISS,THAT'S FROM THE EGG YOLK ♪

♪ IT'S ON HIS LIPS

♪ I LOVE THE EGG MAN ♪

THANK YOU !

( applause )

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