CC Presents: Ted Alexandro

  • 03/09/2006

DEMOCRATS SAYING "PULL OUT,"

REPUBLICANS SAYING "FINISH THE JOB."

IT'S LIKE THE ANGEL AND DEVIL ON MY SHOULDERS DURING SEX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MAYBE I REALLY AM A REPUBLICAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

LOT OF NATURAL DISASTERS, RIGHT. IT'S DEPRESSING.

GOT TO KEEP GIVING MONEY. CAN'T AFFORD IT.

GETS TO BE LIKE FRIENDS WEDDINGS AFTER A WHILE.

LIKE, DAMN ANOTHER ONE?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- TSUNAMI PLUS GUEST, OH. - [LAUGHTER]

HURRICANES,EARTHQUAKES, MUDSLIDES,

IT'S LIKE THE DRINK MENUAT TGIF FRIDAY'S

UNLEASHING IT'S WRATH ON THE UNIVERSE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE EVACUATING EVERY DAY, RIGHT.

EVACUATING USED TO BE A BIG DEAL, NOW IT'S LIKE JURY DUTY.

I'M LIKE, "GREAT, GOT TO EVACUATE."

"YOU GONNA GO?" "NAH, SEE IF I CAN GET OUT OF IT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

ATHLETES DONATE A LOT OF MONEY BUT SOMETIMES THEY'LL MAKE IT

CONTINGENT ON THEIR PERFORMANCE.

THEY'LL BE LIKE, FOR EVERY TOUCHDOWN I SCORE I WILL DONATE $500

TO THE RELIEF EFFORT.IT'S LIKE THANKS A LOT.

WHILE I'M CLINGING TO LIFE UP ON MY ROOF,

I'LL ROOT FOR YOU TO HAVE A GOOD GAME.

MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SEND THE MONEY.

IT'S A BIT OF A CRISIS SITUATION.

NOT SURE I COULD HANG ON TILL KICKOFF.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE HURRICANES ISLAMIC NAMES.

JUST TO REINFORCE STEREOTYPES.

AND IT'LL MAKE IT SEEM MORE OMINOUS.

LIKE, "YOU MIGHT TAKE YOURCHANCES WITH HURRICANE KATRINA,

BUT IF HURRICANE ABDUL'S COMING,

YOU PACK UP AND GET THE HELL OUT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

THEY NAME HURRICANES ALPHABETICALLY.

THEY WERE UP TO THE LETTER "K",WHICH IS WHY THEY CHOSE KATRINA.

I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE WENT WITH HURRICANE "KKK"

BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE GOT [BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TOOK BUSH FOUR DAYSTO GET DOWN THERE, TOO.THAT'S A LONG TIME.

IT'S A GOOD THING THE WORLD TRADE CENTER WASN'T UP IN HARLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

LIKE, REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER

AND EVERYTHING YOUR PARENTS DOEMBARRASSES YOU?

LIKE YOUR FRIENDS COME OVER THE HOUSE, YOU'RE LIKE, "DAD, GOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- COME ON, GUYS." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT BUSH.

LIKE, "GEORGE, GOD.

COME ON GUYS."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I VOTED FOR KERRY AND I'M STILL GETTING EMAILS FROM HIM, TOO.

IT'S KIND OF PATHETIC. LIKE,"THERE'S STILL WORK TO BE DONE."

- YEAH, THERE IS, "DELETE." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOT BY ME.

IT'S KIND OF SAD WHENYOU HAVE TO SPAM THE GUY

THAT YOU VOTED FOR FOR PRESIDENT.

[LAUGHTER]

BUSH, KERRY AND NADER,THOSE WERE THE CHOICES.

ALTHOUGH NADER, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU TAKE A MULTIPLE-CHOICE EXAM

AND THEY TELL YOU TO IMMEDIATELYRULE OUT ONE CHOICE? IT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S NADER.

IT'S LIKE THE SQUARE ROOT OF 324 IS

A) 32, B) 18, C) CHOCOLATE...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, I KNOW IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE. THAT' NADER.

[LAUGHTER]

HALLOWEEN SEEMS TO GET BIGGER EVERY YEAR.

I NOTICED A PATTERN THIS YEAR WITH GIRLS COSTUMES.

GIRLS WILL TAKE A TYPICALLY ALTRUISTIC CAREER,

SUCH AS LIBRARIAN, NURSE, MAYBE A NUN,

AND TURN HER INTO A WHORE.

WHICH IS NICE,VERY, VERY NICE.

SOME GIRLS TAKE IT TOO FAR THOUGH.

I SAW A NAUGHTY ROSA PARKS.

I WAS LIKE "JEEZ, SHE JUST DIED."

SHE'S LIKE "I CAN SIT ANYWHERE I WANT ON THE BUS DRESSED LIKE THIS."

I'M LIKE, "BE THAT AS IT MAY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CLEAVAGE SEASON JUST ABOUT OVER. I'M GONNA MISS IT.

BECAUSE, CLEAVAGEWHEN IT FIRST POPS OUT,

LIKE LATE FEBRUARY, EARLY MARCH,

IT'S ALMOST LIKEGROUNDHOG'S DAY.

IT'S LIKE, OH, IT'S GONNA BE AN EARLY SPRING.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BECAUSE CLEAVAGE LETS YOU KNOWTHERE'S STILL GOOD IN THE WORLD.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE SEEING A NEWBORN BABY.

SOMETIMES I EVEN TALK BABY TALK TO CLEAVAGE.

LIKE, "YES YOU ARE, YES YOU ARE. YES.

"WHO'S ALL SCRUNCHED TOGETHER? YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.

"YES. YES. THEY'RE ADORABLE.

TWINS?"

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE GIRLS DRESS SEXY, RIGHT.

EVEN SWEATPANTS NOW, KIND OF TIGHT,

GIRLS ARE ROLLING 'EM UPTWO, MAYBE THREE TIMES.

- WHO'S COUNTING? - [LAUGHTER]

GOT THE WRITING ON THE ASS, LITTLE MESSAGES.

WHO KNOWS WHAT IT'S GONNA SAY.

IT'S LIKEA LITTLE FORTUNE COOKIERIGHT ON YOUR ASS.

"SEXY," "BABY DOLL," "JUICY,"

"LOOK AT MY ASS."

I'M LIKE, "EXCELLENT.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO READ MORE."

I'M TEARING THROUGH FIVE, SIX ASSES A DAY.

SOMETIMES I JUST READ HALF AND STICK A BOOKMARK IN IT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MUSIC HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. I TAUGHT THE RECORDER.

YOU GUYS FAMILIAR WITH SATAN'S LITTLE FLUTE.

- [LAUGHTER] - YEAH.

IF THERE'S MUSIC IN HELL I ASSURE YOU,

IT IS PLAYED ON A RECORDER.

IT WAS LIKE THE MOVIE GROUNDHOG'S DAY

EXCEPT INSTEAD OF WAKING UP TO "I GOT YOU BABE" EVERY DAY

IT WAS "HOT CROSS BUNS."IT'S SIX TIMES A DAY.

♪ TU-TU-TU

♪ TU-TU-TU

FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE...

♪ TU-TU-TU-TU, TU-TU-TU-TU ♪

♪ TU-TU-TU

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DRIVE ME INSANE. THAT SONG STILL HAUNTS ME.

AND RECORDER'S LIKE THE ONLY SUBJECT WHERE KIDS

HAVE THEIR PARENTS BLESSING NOT TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK.

BECAUSE I WOULD BE LIKE, "DID YOU EVEN PRACTICE AT ALL

SINCE LAST WEEK?" "NO, I HAVE A NOTE FROM MY PARENTS.

- WE ALL DO." "ALL RIGHT." - [LAUGHTER]

BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MUSICAL,

YOU KNOW, PLAYED IN A JAZZ BAND WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

AND BY JAZZ I MEAN WE WORE SUNGLASSES WHILE WE PLAYED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S GOT TO STOP, YOU KNOW.IT'S A PROBLEM.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU DOWNLOAD LET'S SAY A P. DIDDY SONG,

YOU'RE NOT ONLY STEALING FROM HIM

YOU'RE ALSO STEALING FROM WHOEVER HE STOLE IT FROM

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

AND THAT IS DOUBLY DIDDY WRONG.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RAPPERS MISSPELL THINGS FROM TIME TO TIME, RIGHT, JUST FOR FUN.

THEY'LL USE LIKEA "Z" INSTEAD OF AN "S",

SOMETIMES A "Y" INSTEAD OF AN "I."

IF I WAS THEIR ACCOUNTANT I WOULD DO THAT WITH NUMBERS.

I'D BE LIKE,"YO, HERE'S YOUR CHECK.

I USED A ONE INSTEAD OF A 5." JUST KEEPING IT REAL.

GONNA EMBEZZLE MY NEZZLE.

[LAUGHTER]

RAPPERS HAVE TOO MANY GUEST STARS, YOU KNOW?

TOO MANY GUEST STARSON THEIR ALBUMS, RIGHT,FOR ALL THEIR BRAVADO,

"I'M THE BEST AND FORGET THE REST."

IT'S LIKE, "I'M TRYING TO

BUT THEY'RE ALL ON YOUR FREAKIN' ALBUM."

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, SHNIZZLE.

RAPPERS NEED TO BE MORE SELF-SUFFICIENT. LIKE COMEDIANS.

I MEAN HOW WOULD IT LOOK IF I GUEST-STARS ON MY JOKES?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW THE MOVIE HOTEL RWANDA.

THAT WAS A HORRIBLE ADVERTISEMENT FOR THAT HOTEL.

I DON'T KNOWWHO FINANCED THAT MOVIE.

I THINK IT MAY HAVE BEENTHE HOLIDAY INN RWANDA.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY CREW.

THAT'S TODD BARRY,RUSS MENEVE AND DAVE ATTELL.

MAKE SOME NOISE FOR THE BOYS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- WE ROLL DEEP.- [LAUGHTER]

I THINK WE ALL ARE. A LITTLE MYSTERY,

KEEP THINGS FRESH. LIKE THINGS YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN.

LIKE YOU GO TO MEXICO THEY TELLYOU "DON'T DRINK THE WATER."

YOU GO TO ANY DINER HERE, WHO BRINGS YOU THE WATER?

- [LAUGHTER] - IT'S A MYSTERY.

YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT.IT'S A MYSTERY.

I GUESS THEY WANT TO BEPART OF THE SOLUTION.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEE THOSE RACISM PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

WHERE THEY HAVE AN ATHLETE SPEAK OUT AGAINST RACISM

BUT THEY'LL MAKE ITSPECIFIC TO THEIR SPORT?

LIKE A BOXER WILL SAY, "WE GOT TO KNOCK OUT RACISM."

OR A BASKETBALL PLAYER WILL SAY,"WE'VE GOT TO SLAM DUNK RACISM."

I WANT TO DO ONE OF THOSE EXCEPT AS A COMEDIAN.

I'LL BE LIKE "RACISM'S NOT FUNNY...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"EXCEPT IN SMALL GROUPS OF CLOSEPERSONAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

KEEP IT WHERE IT BELONGS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD A RACIST THOUGHT THE OTHER DAY.

IT KIND OF MADE ME LAUGH.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

I SAW SOMETHING I'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

I SAW A TAXI CAB THAT ACTUALLY TURNED OUT TO BE

AN UNDERCOVER POLICE VEHICLE,

SIRENS, LIGHTS, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

WOW, FINALLY A CAB THAT'LL PICK UP A BROTHER.

NOW-- YEAH, THAT'S A LITTLE RACIST BUT A LOT FUNNY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES.

I TRY TO AVOID TALKING TO THEM ABOUT THEIR SEX LIVES NOW

BECAUSE IT'S SO DEPRESSING.

THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT IT, RIGHT.

I WOULD RATHER WATCH SCHINDLER'S LIST SPLIT SCREEN

WITH HOTEL RWANDA WHILE READING THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK

THAN LISTEN TO A MARRIED GUY TALK ABOUT HIS SEX LIFE.

IT'S DEPRESSING.LADIES, PLEASE,

[BLEEP] YOUR HUSBANDS, FOR GOD SAKES.

I CAN'T LISTEN TO MUCH MORE OF IT.

ONE GUY TOLD ME IT HAD BEEN SIX MONTHS

SINCE HE GOT TO SECOND BASE WITH HIS WIFE.

YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS MORE PATHETIC.

THAT HE USED THE PHRASE "SECOND BASE"

OR THAT HE HADN'T BEEN THERE IN SIX MONTHS.

I'M STILL ENJOYING THE SINGLE LIFE.

WENT DOWN TO MARDI GRASA COUPLE YEARS AGO.

THAT WAS FUN. I WENT WITH A BUDDY OF MINE. IT'S CRAZY, YEAH.

I WENT WITH A BUDDY.HE WAS ANOTHER COMEDIAN.

THERE WERE SOME GIRLS UP IN A BALCONY.

A CHANT GOES UP,SHOW YOUR TITS.

I JOIN THE CHANT, BECAUSE I SUPPORT THE CAUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

THE GIRLS SHOW 'EM,WE THROW UP SOME BEADS,

I FIGURE THAT'S THE ENDOF THE TRANSACTION.

TURNS OUT, THEY RECIPROCATE WITH A CHANT OF THEIR OWN,

"WE WANT [BLEEP]." WHAT DO YOU DO?

TURNS OUT I HAD SOME [BLEEP] ON ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UNFASTEN, UNBUTTON, UNZIP,

BEADS SHOWERING DOWN ON ME.

BEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE

CUT SHORT, HANDCUFFED,THROWN AGAINST THE WALL.

MY FRIEND RUNS OFF BUT MANAGESTO GET A PICTURE BEFORE HE DOES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT PRISON BUT I DO KNOW

HANDCUFFED WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN COVERED IN BEADS

IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO ARRIVE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

FOR THE LADIES, AND CERTAIN GUYS.

I CAN'T CONTROL WHO'S LOOKING. I JUST GOT TO BRING THE HEAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOT OF BIG GUYS AT THE GYM. YOU SEE THEM WALKING AROUND.

SOMETIMES THEY'LL CARRY LIKE JOURNALS AROUND WITH THEM

LIKE THEY DOCUMENT THINGS AS THEY'RE WORKING OUT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL THEY'RE WRITING.

"DEAR DIARY, I FEEL LIKE A HUGE WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED...

- "12 TIMES. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I AM GONNA BE SO SORE TOMORROW,

"PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.

PS: MY ACNE AND MOOD SWINGS ARE CLEARING UP."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY SISTER'S A PERSONAL TRAINER. THAT'S A TOUGH JOB.

I DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT.

YOU GOT TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR FITNESS GOALS.

"CAN YOU HELP ME DEFINE MY ABS?"

"YEAH, DISGUSTING, SLOPPY, GELATINOUS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I SAW THESE TWO BIG GUYS AT THE GYM HAVING A CONVERSATION.

ONE GUY WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, I'M THE TYPE OF GUY

I CAN EITHER BE YOUR BEST FRIEND OR YOUR WORST ENEMY,

- YOUR CHOICE."- [LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE "YOU COULD ALSO BE SOMEBODY I JUST DON'T TALK TO,

THIRD CHOICE, 'CHECK.'"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - THANKS.

MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFEHAD A BABY BOY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE, DURING THE CEREMONY,

YOU HAVE TO RENEW YOUR BAPTISMAL VOWS IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CONGREGATION.

SO THEY CALL YOUOUT THERE ON THE ALTAR.

THEY STARTFIRING QUESTIONS AT YOU."DO YOU REJECT SATAN?"

- "I DO." - [LAUGHTER]

"AND ALL HIS WORKS?"

"I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH ALL HIS WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M NOT A FAN."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE A NEW POPE.YOU GUYS LIKE THAT GUY?

- [SCATTERED CHEERS]- YEAH. SOME PEOPLE DO.

HE'S NOT MAKING A LOT OF APPEARANCES, RIGHT.

THE OLD POPE WASPOPPING UP ALL THE TIME.

EVEN WHEN HE WAS DYING, RIGHT, THEY'D WHEEL HIM OUT THERE.

IT WAS LIKE A HITCHCOCK FILM.

HE WAS THERE AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

IT WAS LIKE A WHODUNNIT.

THAT WAS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME THOUGH, RIGHT.

THE POPE WAS DYING, MICHAEL JACKSON ON TRIAL.

TOUGH TIMES FOR THE PEDOPHILIA INDUSTRY, HUH?

YEAH.

WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS.

I THINK MICHAEL JACKSON GETS TOO MUCH PRESS THOUGH.

'CAUSE HE'S ONE GUY, THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS LIKE

THE MICROSOFT OF PEDOPHILIA. LIKE GIANTS IN THE INDUSTRY.

HE'S RUNNING AMOM AND POP OPERATION WITH LIKE

THE FERRIS WHEEL, COUPLE LAMAS.

- I MEAN SHAMON. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I BLAME THE PARENTS FOR LETTING THE KIDS SLEEPOVER HIS HOUSE, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS TO LET YOUR KID SLEEPOVER MICHAEL JACKSON'S HOUSE

BECAUSE THEY WERE SEDUCED BY FAME.

THAT'S WHAT IT CAME DOWN TO,BECAUSE IT WAS MICHAEL JACKSON.

I'M PRETTY SURE IF GERMAINE OR TITO HAD A SLEEPOVER

THERE'D BE A LOT OF NO'S ON THAT E-VITE.

A LOT OF LEFTOVER JESUS JUICE AT THAT JAMBOREE.

JESUS JUICE, THAT WAS BRILLIANT.YOU KNOW PRIESTS HAD TO BE LIKE,

DAMN, WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?

IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF USTHE WHOLE TIME.

I THINK THE JACKSON FAMILY WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

THAT'S MY NEW THEORY,

I THINK EVERY TIME THE GOVERNMENT NEEDS A DISTRACTION

THEY CALL UP THE JACKSON'S. "YEAH, HELLO JANET,

"WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO WHIP OUT A TITTY AT THE SUPERBOWL.

"YEAH. YEAH. AND TELL MICHAEL TO SCHEDULE A SLEEPOVER ASAP,

OPERATION 'BEAT IT' IS IN EFFECT."

BUT LET'S NOT LOSE SIGHTOF THE REAL TRAGEDY HERE

WHICH IS THAT MICHAEL JACKSON'SMUSIC KIND OF SUCKS NOW.

I THINK WE'D ALL BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE A COUPLE KIDS

- FOR ANOTHER BILLY JEAN. - [AUDIENCE GROANS]

HEY, AT THIS POINTI'D BE WILLING TO LOOKTHE OTHER WAY FOR A PYT.

GREATNESS HAS ITS PRICE.

THANKS A LOT GUYS. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

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