CC Presents: Kristen Schaal

  • Season 13, Ep 24
  • 01/11/2009

Kristen Schaal takes comfort in making her audience as uncomfortable as possible.

A SPECIAL GUESTON THE SHOW TONIGHT.

UM, I'M SO SURPRISEDTHAT HE AGREED TO DO IT.

I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH HIM,

UH, SINCE THE EARLY '70s,OFF AND ON.

BUT ANYWAYS, UH, KURT,COULD YOU BRING HIM OUT, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

KURT, UM...

THANK YOU, KURT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

KURT IS, UM --KURT'S MY COMEDY PARTNER,

AND, UM, WE BOTHWANTED TO DO THE SPECIAL,

BUT BECAUSE I AM MORE FAMOUS,

THEY SAID JUST ICOULD HAVE A SPECIAL

AND KURT COULD, UM...

DO THE PROPS.YEAH.

SO...

DOING THEM PRETTY GOOD.DOING PRETTY GOOD.

BIG BREAK FOR YOU.BIG BREAK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT.YOU CAN...LEAVE.

GO! OKAY. UM...[ CLEARS THROAT ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, UM,PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR MY WINGIN', SINGIN',DANCING BIRD!

[ PIANO PLAYING UP-TEMPO MUSIC ]

HEY!

[ GIGGLES ]

OH, NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[BLEEP]

UM...

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ][ COUGHS ]

OH. S-SCUSE ME.

HELLO?

HI.

NO. YEAH, I GOT THE NOTE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, WELL,Y-YOU GOT TO GO SOUTH,

YOU GOT TO GO SOUTH, SO...

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M DOING IT...

NOW.

NOT SO GOOD.

OKAY, WELL, DO YOU THINK YOUCAN MAKE IT FOR THE LAST --

HELLO? [ SIGHS ]

UM...

KURT? KURT?

WHAT'S UP?WHAT'S UP?

THE BIRD IS GONE.

AW, GEEZ.THAT DUDE'S UNRELIABLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHATI'M GONNA DO, 'CAUSE I --

THE REST OF MY SETWAS ALL WITH THE BIRD.

IT WAS GONNA BE SINGINGAND DANCING AND GYMNASTICS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO.

YOU CAN DO THE BESTONE-WOMAN SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN

AND YOU'RE TOO AFRAIDTO PERFORM.

OH, KURT, I -- FIRST OF ALL,THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW

AND NOT AS AN INTENSE,GRIPPING DRAMA.

SO...

KRISTEN, THE WORLD DESERVESYOUR DRAMA.

NOW GIVE DRAMATO THE WORLD!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I'M SO EXCITED.THIS IS GONNA BE A REAL TREAT.

EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT,UM, 'CAUSE IT'S MY SPECIAL.

AND I THINK,UH, IT STARTED OFF WELL.

I MEAN, THE WEATHERWAS BEAUTIFUL ALREADY,

SO WE HAVE THAT.

UM, I THINK IF YOU LIVEIN A CITY

AS GORGEOUS AND FUNAS NEW YORK AND --

AND THE WEATHER IS AS PERFECTAS IT WAS TODAY,

IT'S IMPOSSIBLETO HAVE A BAD DAY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THIS MORNING, I WOKE UP

FROM THIS REAL SEXY,SEX...SEX DREAM!

[ LAUGHTER ]Man: OH!

WELL...

[ CHEERING ]

YEAH, SEX DREAM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

UM, WHERE I WAS, UH, MAKING LOVETO GEORGE WASHINGTON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR, RATHER,HE WAS MAKING LOVE TO ME,

AND I WAS JUST KEEPINGREAL STILL...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...LIKE IT'S DONE, UM...

AND THINGS ARE GOING BETTER

THAN I COULD HAVEEVER DREAMED OF.

[ CHUCKLES ]WHICH IS IRONIC. UM...

WHEN HALFWAY THROUGH,OUT OF NOWHERE,

MY VAGINA JUST TURNSINTO THIS AVOCADO PIT,

AND GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS LIKE,"WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THAT?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, I WAS LIKE,"OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY. OH, GOD."

WANTED TO DIE.

THANK GOD I WOKE UP,

'CAUSE [CHUCKLES] I DON'T KNOWHOW I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN

OUT OF THAT MESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, A ONE-WOMAN SHOWTHAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,

UM, ABOUT A WOMAN THAT HASSHAKEN HISTORY TO THE CORE.

AND THAT WOMAN, OF COURSE,IS ANNE BOLEYN.

AND I AM SO EXCITEDTO PRESENT TO YOU

THE FIRST ACT OF MY SHOW,

"ANNE BOLEYN ON FIRE."

[ LAUGHS ]

UM...

BUT, UM, BEFORE I DO THAT,BEFORE I BREAK INTO ANNE --

BECAUSE ONCE I BECOME HER,

THERE'S -- THERE'S NO COMINGBACK, UM, ALL THE LAYERS --

UH, I JUST WANT TO DEDICATE,UH, THIS PERFORMANCE

TO SOMEONE WHO HAS STOODBY MY SIDE THROUGH ALL OF IT.

AND HE'S BEEN MY DRAMATURGEAND MY BOYFRIEND,

AND IT HAPPENS TO BEHIS BIRTHDAY TONIGHT.

AND, UM,I KNOW HE'S GONNA HATE ME,

BUT WHAT BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATETHAN IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY?

SCOTTIE, COULD YOUCOME ONSTAGE REAL QUICK,

JUST FOR A QUICK BIRTHDAY?

AND THEN THAT'S IT.COME ON, COME ON.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHING ]

AAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MMM.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, WAIT!WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

UM, WHOA, WHOA.

UH, BEFORE YOUSIT BACK DOWN,

I HAVE ONE OTHERBIRTHDAY SURPRISE.

WE HAVE BEEN DATINGFOR A LONG TIME NOW.

AND EVERY DAYTHAT I'M WITH YOU

IS LIKE THE HAPPIEST DAYOF MY LIFE.

AND I CANNOT IMAGINE SPENDINGA SINGLE DAY WITHOUT YOU.

JUST THE THOUGHT OF ITMAKES ME SUICIDAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND, UM, I'VE BEEN RACKINGMY HEAD, TRYING TO THINK,

"OH, WHAT CAN I GET SCOTTIEFOR HIS BIRTHDAY

"THAT HE DOESN'TALREADY HAVE?

HE HAS EVERYTHING."

AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "OH.

THERE'S ONE THINGTHAT YOU DON'T HAVE."

AND THAT IS, UM,TO ASK YOU...

IF YOU WOULD MARRY ME.

NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE A GOOD SHOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]

UH, I WAS BEING SERIOUS.

[ CHUCKLES WEAKLY ]

HEY.

WE GOT TO KEEPDOING THE SHOW.

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