Breuer, Dee, Ramsey, Dominick, Lockhart, DeLarios, Callen

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 05/31/2007

Bryan Callen talks about wearing old-school running shorts to a bar, and Jim Breuer wonders who's running cable news networks.

Gotham! Let me know!

(cheering, whooping)

(Callen whoops)

What's going on?!

(whooping and applause stop)

(woman whoops)

God, it's amazing-- I just cameup with that move right now.

Whoa! Got a stool,in case I need to sit down.

I like using props,you know what I'm talking about?

That's a stool right there.I don't sit on stools.

A lot of guys sit on stools--not very sexy, all right?

Bang. Is that sexy, guy, huh?

Nah, I don't sit on stools.You know what I do with a stool?

Bang, right there.Look at that, look at that.

Look how hot that isright there.

What's that say to a girlthe minute I walk into a bar?

That says I gota very elastic groin,

that's what it says--look at that.

I'm not even lookingat the chick--

I'm just lookingat my dungarees right now.

That's a hot look.

That's how you warm 'em up,you know what I'm talking about?

You guys listening?Take notes, all right?

Look at me, guy.

All right? Look.

That's how you warm 'em up.

You want to set 'em on fire?

You want to set 'em on fire?Watch this. Ready?

Fire! Look at that!

Look at that! You have no ideahow arched my foot is right now.

I got a crampin the middle of my foot.

I don't give a rat crap.I don't give a rat crap!


My new dungarees.

Lot of times I show up at a bar,I'm not wearing dungarees.

Sometimes I just show up ina pair of 1970s running shorts.

I said it!

I like the 1970s running short.

You can show offthis part of the thigh.

That's a hot look on a man--kind of white and hairy for me.

No? Does nothing for you?




You know what else I loveabout the 1970s running short?

You can let your three-piece setjust duck out the side.

You know what I'm talking about?

Just let it duck out the sideaccidentally on purpose.

Don't show the whole thing.

Just a little bit--just the nubs.

Like, "Oops."


You can't show the whole thing,guy-- you show the whole thing,

it looks like somebody threwa baby bird

against your leg,you know what I'm talking about?

There's nothing sexy abouta dead baby bird on your leg.

You got me, guy?

Pay attentionwhen I'm talking to you.


I'm thinking about changing my name.

I don't like Bryan.Bryan Callen.

It sounds likea piece of wet cotton

hitting the floor,you know what I'm talking about?

Dead before you get outof the gates, you know, guy?

Change my nameto something sexy,

something animalistic, like...

(snarls like a cat)


Isn't that hot name?Just... (snarls)

Sounds like an angry tomcat.

Just my name, honey.

My last name is gonna besomething really macho,

something hard, something male.

Like... (sudden gasp)


Something that hurtsyour vocal cords to say,

so it costs you somethingto say my name!

Nobody's named...(snarls, gasps)


Just techniques.



I got a problemwith my hair, though.

Jumping ship quick.

(laughter)A disaster.

I'm taking that Propecia,nothing.

Gets wet, looks likea piece of lettuce, okay?

That's not how you get girls.

I want that long,black Johnny Depp hair.

I want it just...I want a black waterfall

all over my body.

And I'll get it, too.

I'm gonna get it,I just found out.

'Cause I read recentlyin a hair journal...


...they're gonna be ableto clone hair

in less than ten years.

That's a fact.

Biotechnology.And by the way,

they're gonna be ableto genetically engineer it.

You can have any kindof hair you want.


I'm getting a horse tail, okay?

That's what I'm getting.I don't want hair.

I'm getting a horse...And by the way,

I'm starting my hairlineright here at the eyebrows.

I don't want a forehead.

Foreheads are overrated--they're just wrinkly and shiny.

It's all media hype.I'm just gonna get a horse tail.

I'm just gonna be, like...(neighs)

Every time a girl looks at you,

you just take a big sloppy biteout of a peach.

(quiet grunt)

Maybe I'll just kind of

hang out on a motorcycle.

Picture this,let me paint the picture.

By the way, I'm not gonna ridethe motorcycle,

'cause I'm notinto brain injury.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

It's the look, all right?

Now, check it out,say you're

a single girl, you're coming outof your favorite coffee shop,

you're sipping a frappuccino,whatever, okay?

At first I looklike a normal guy.

Why? 'Cause I'm wearinga helmet--

safety first, all right?

So you don't see the partyI got coiled up

like a cobra!

Like a cobra!

Till I pull my helmet off real slow

and just eh, eh, eh!



(British accent):Would you like to geton the back of my bike

and pretend to ride?

(quiet grunt)

Mm-hmm. I havea peach hip basket

brimming with peaches.

Peaches for everybody!

Nobody has a horse tail,a fake motorcycle

and a peach hip basket-- I will.

I'm gonna make a fortunewith my hair, too,

You know what my jobis gonna be?

You got a horse tail?You're a painter.

That's what you do-- I'm gonnabe an avant-garde painter.

Let me explain.Check it out.

Hanging out.No shirt, whatever.

Baggy pants tied offwith a rope.

Peach breath.

You know what?

Maybe no pants;maybe just rope.

I don't know, I don't know,I'm avant-garde,

all right?

I'm hanging out in my Soho loft.

I got huge vatsof white, oily paint.

Black canvas.

And I paint stuff...

with my hair.

Just dipping the hair!I mean, with dipping... (grunts)

(grunts):Spray! Spray!

Come on!


(exhales, inhales)

(European accent):I made this for you.

It's called I Love You Too Much.

Painting by...

(snarls, gasps)

(whooping)Yeah! Yeah!


I got to go. Thanks, guys.