Thank you very much forcoming out to-- I'm Jake.
And actually coming to"Two Drink Mon-- Minimum"?
Minimum-- um, the show thatbegs the question, how many
stand-up comedyshows does it take
before the market is saturated?
And really we believe one more.
Um, so, speakingof saturated, you
know where's a good placeto do some serious drinking?
Well, yeah, Congress, but Iwas thinking of airlines--
on the airplane, because twogood things about drinking
on the airplane areyou don't have to drive
and no matter howmuch you drink,
they can't throw you out.
Which I guess that's kindof true of Congress also.
But anyway-- Congress doesnot have those tiny bottles.
That's what you geton the airplane.
I love those tinybottles, you know?
I like to pretend thatthe bottles-- they're
regular-sized bottles, but Iam the Amazing Colossal Man,
I am a big manwith a big thirst.
Sometimes I like toput on a big diaper
and just ride on the-- yes,normal clothes do not fit me.
But what you don't want todo, though, on the plane
is so rent-- watch that movie.
They always get me.
I get-- I'm watching the movie.
I get all tied up in it.
And then they're aboutto tell the thing,
and the pilotinterrupts, you know.
And the murdereris-- [muffled voice]
[inaudible] About 72degrees in Chicago.
We're going to belanding on runway 29.
They have to tellyou the runway.
What run-- what-- I don'tneed to know the run--
I don't-- what is that?
Like, if the pilot is killed?
Who's going to land the plane?
I know what runway it is.
Don't let that man in thediaper land the plane.
Um, but the other thing--the other thing with those
movies is theyalways-- they dub them,
and the dub out the dirty words.
And they edit them down, whichyou don't miss the dirty words
in a lot of movies, but--I'm serious-- I saw the movie
"Glengarry Glen Ross"on the airplane.
You seen this movie?
It's like every otherword is-- you know?
And-- but they change it.
And you're watching the movie,and they're-- and they're all,
well, forget you.
Well, you can goforget yourself.
And the guy is like, well,that doesn't mean spit to me.
Why, if he doesn't likeit, he can kiss my act.
I mean, that's not evena thing-- kiss my act.
I halfway expect themto have "Full Metal
Jacket" on the plane, you know?
You ever see that movie?
Pyle, you're the kind of guythat'd forget a guy in his act
without giving thecourtesy of a reach around.
I'd like to startout by telling you
a little something about myself.
I come from a bigfamily-- four moms,
five dads, and three brothers.
We played a lot of baseball.
I had fantasies of being abig league player as a kid.
I just tore up myknee and had to have
an operation fromplaying softball.
Let me give you some advice.
If you're over 30,and you play softball,
don't dive for anything.
The dream is over.
Let it go.
It's not a tryout forthe major leagues.
It's a picnic.
The first baseman's drunk.
He's just goingto drop the throw.
There's no picture in the paper.
There's no money in it.
Let it go.
And if if you hurtyourself, you're
going to have to go to ahospital to have the operation.
And hospitals are themost disorganized place
you will ever go in your life.
It's amazing anythinggets done right.
I swear this is good advice.
Circle the area of thebody you want worked on.
Take a magic marker.
Put a big circlearound the left knee.
We're working on the left knee.
X marks the spot.
Even put in the words"take out the cartilage.
Leave the ligaments."
Put it all down.
Once they get younaked and on the table,
they can't make a mistake.
And it's no wonderthey're so expensive.
They're so inefficient.
I was in pre-op for two hours,and nine different people
came up to me from ninedifferent departments
and asked me, are youallergic to anything?
And somebody else, areyou allergic to anything?
Are you allergic to anything?
I'm allergic to mushrooms.
Could the firsttwo or three of you
pass that informationalong to everybody else
or put a no mushroomsticker on my head,
so nobody accidentally dropsa toadstool in my IV bottle?
Let's get on with it.
I'm wearing paper slippers.
And I'm standing in a hallway.
Have you ever had thehospital paper slippers?
They're that thick.
Oh, they're toasty and warm.
Thank you very much.
And this is how cheapthis hospital was.
I didn't even wake up in a bed.
I had an operation.
I didn't wake up in abed or a recovery room.
I woke up in a wheelchair.
I was sitting alone in a bigempty room in a wheelchair.
It was just empty wheelchairs.
It was a wheelchair parkingarea, is what it was.
And I woke up, andI'm looking, and I
see all these empty wheelchairs.
I'm thinking, ohmy god, everybody's
gone to heaven except me.
This is unbelievable.
What did I do?
And then two nightslater, I'm home
asleep in bed having a dream.
And my leg's all wrapped up andreally swollen, really painful.
And I'm having a dream.
I'm walking through theforest towards the lake.
And I look downjust in time to see
I'm about to step on agargantuan, malevolent--
either a woodchuckor a beaver-- it
was a big, brown forest animal.
And you know how in your dreamsyou could look into an animal's
eyes and see exactlywhat it intends to do?
Just me again?
OK, all right.
This is a powerI have my dreams.
I knew the beaver wanted torocket off the forest floor,
because it was a flyingbeaver-- did I mention that?
It was a flying beaver-- cleavemy nose off with those two
front teeth, because my nose wasthe last necessary element it
needed to complete adam it was working on.
I don't know why.
I didn't want that to happen.
So I kicked at thebeaver in my dream,
and unfortunatelyalso in real life.
Have you ever done that?
I snapped my just operatedon knee violently out,
woke up in incredible, all over,total, throbbing body pain.
And I knew immediatelyit was because I tried
to kick an imaginaryflying beaver.
I have felt stupid in my life.
But never quite that stupid.
But anyway, I love baseball,which is how we started this.
We're going to haveproblems in baseball.
Brand new team inMiami-- the Marlins.
Oh, from Miami, wellyou know half that town
is senior citizens-- Miami.
Those people, they don'tmove too fast anymore.
Foul balls will be screamingdeath missiles to these people.
You've been a lot of fun.
having a reallybad hair day, OK.
Actually, I shave my head.
And I now realize that I canno longer wear turtle necks.
I put one one, I look likea giant roll-on deodorant.
Well, it is great to behere in New York City.
But I have to ask, whatare these signs that I see
taped inside a car windowsaying my radio has
already been stolen?
Are people writingnotes to criminals?
What if thecriminals can't read?
I guess in New York Citybefore you get hooked on crime,
you better gethooked on phonics.
Speaking of crime, I waswatching a talk show.
I saw a DoctorKevorkian-- the man
who invented thesuicide machine.
He said whenever he starts upthat machine and somebody dies,
he has to go ontrial for murder.
Now he can avoid this.
All he has to do istake that machine,
hook it up to theclapper, and let
those people clapthemselves to death.
They clap on, butthey don't clap off.
I was watching "The OprahWinfrey Show" a few days ago--
one of those showswhere everybody's upset,
especially the blackwomen in the audience.
And you know when those riledup black women stand up to speak
their mind-- andyou know they will--
their necks we'll gocompletely out of control.
You see them sittingthere warming up.
Then they get up.
I would never, ever,let a man do that to me.
I'd kill his ass.
of those pump-up basketballshoes-- cost $150.
I'm sorry, people, but I'm notgoing to pay $150 for shoes
that I got to pumpthat don't pump back.
You know what I'm saying?
Kids need to be raisedthe old fashioned way,
like I was raised.
My dad is a Pentecostalpreacher-- tough.
He could preach, though.
Sometimes I'd belistening to him thinking,
what the heck ishe talking about?
He's going, God isnot straight or gay.
God is not a man or a woman.
And God is not black or white.
I'm like, Dad, isGod Michael Jackson?
I went on the datein the afternoon
so I could enjoy my evening.
I don't like dates.
Dates are basicallywhere I go out,
and I act like someone I'mnot until the person likes
me enough to bewho I actually am.
That's even if itgoes well, you know.
You know, afterlike an hour, I go,
all right, um, lookslike we're getting along.
One thing, though--this whole thing
about me listeningto you when you talk?
I don't want to dothat anymore, OK?
I can't-- I can't behonest with a woman
because I'm-- I'mtoo much of a slime.
Um, I regret it.
I'm trying to improve.
But-- like I was datinga woman, and she wanted
to have breastaugmentation surgery.
And she told me.
And she asked what I thought.
And so I said, I don't thinkyou should do that, because you
would be buying into amale-objectified view
of what you should look like.
What I wanted to say was,when you go pick them out,
I hope I can come with.
See, I would have beenbetter off in the '70s,
because you could bea slime in the '70s.
I missed the '70s.
But that's what I hear-- thatit was one big ski weekend.
The '70s, yeah,from what I hear,
this was a good pick upline in the 1970s-- come on.
And I know I haveto reform, because I
want to get marriedand have kids.
And you can't be sleeping aroundif you're going to have kids,
because someday your kidswould be like, Dad, what
was it like whenyou first met mom?
And I'd have to say, Iwoke up, and there she was.
It's very complex.
Like I-- I've decided I have noidea when a woman is satisfied.
I used to think Iknew, but sometimes
women will make a lot of noise.
And I'll say was thatthe-- and they say, almost.
That was almost?
You almost disconnected theSheetrock from the studs.
I haven't made thatmuch noise since I
put a file cabinet on my toe.
See, women are verylucky that way.
I enjoy sex, but I enjoy sexmostly because right after sex
is the one time during the daythat I don't think about sex.
I mean, I enjoy sex.
More important-- Ineed the time to think.
See, men understand his.
Women, I don't think understandthis, because women right
after sex, youalways say to me, are
you thinking about me right now?
What a lousy time to ask.
Because usuallywhoever it is, I've
been thinking about her all day.
But right then, finally, I'mlying in bed, and I'm going,
I should plaster the ceiling.
I've been so distractedtrying to get her in bed,
I've let the entireinfrastructure of my apartment
fall down around my ears.
But I'm not saying,incidentally,
that I don't-- that I don'twant to do well in bed.
I want to be good in bed.
I really do, because whenthe woman is satisfied,
I think we can all agreethat's a beautiful moment.
It's a-- it's a sharing moment.
It's a great-- I wantmy friends there.
I want to jump out ofbed-- unbelievable!
Honey, hang on.
Joey, Bobby, Stu!
All right, guys, this is great.
There's beer and sandwichesin the fridge, all right?
I'll see you inabout 20 minutes.
I got to cuddle.