Ask Jerri

  • Season 3, Ep 7
  • 09/11/2000

When Flatpoint High gives Jerri an advice column, she turns to sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

LETTERS !WE GOT LETTERS !

OKAY ! NUMBER ONE,LET'S GET ONE AND...

DON'T, UH, YOU GOTTA,YOU GOTTA JUST...

TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN,IT'S OKAY.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

FIRST, USE A WHOLE SHEET--

USE A - USE A WHOLE SHEET.

JUST TRY THEWHOLE SHEET.

OKAY.

I HAVEN'T ASKED YOUA QUESTION YET.

( wheezing happily )LOOK !

I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T--IT DOESN'T HELP TO TYPEIF I HAVEN'T ASKED...

DON'T, LOOK.

DON'T PANIC... DON'T.

GIMME,GIMME THE...

ALL RIGHT !SO...

"WHAT SHOULD I DO ?SINCERELY, DEPRESSED."

DEPRESSED.

OKAY.

NOTHING PILLS CAN'T--

NO, USE THE TYPEWRITER--

LOOK, YOU DO THIS.( typing )

THIS, NOT LIKE THIS.AHHH !

NOT THIS.( whining )

SEE THIS ?NO.

THERE, THATFEELS GOOD, HUH ?

NOT JUST LETTERS... ( rousingly gasping )

FULL WORDS...

USE A VOWEL !

NO, LOOK, LOOK,DON'T TOUCH IT,JUST DON'T TOUCH IT !

NO !THAT ONE'S UNPLUGGED.

GIMME THIS !

WAAAA, AH.

HERE, OKAY THERE.

WE'RE ALL FRESH,READY TO GO.

GOOD.AH-HA !

OKAY,TAKE IT EASY.

ALL RIGHT,KEEP GOING.AH-HA-AH-HA !

YOU GOT IT, YOU GOT IT,NOW TRY A WORD.

TRY A FULL WORD.( gasping vigorously )

GOOD.

F,U... C.ALL RIGHT !

GOOD, NOW,OK.

EXTRA EXTRA !READ ALL ABOUT IT !

( voice echoing )"DEAR JERRI,

"I HAVE A CRUSH ONTHIS REALLY CUTE GUY,

"BUT HE DOESN'T EVENKNOW I EXIST.

"WHAT CAN I DO TOMAKE HIM NOTICE ME ?

SIGNED, GHOST GIRL."

( Jerri )"DEAR GHOSTY,

"THE TRICK IS TO BEA WHORE IN THE BEDROOM,

"A WHORE IN THE KITCHEN,AND A WHORE IN THE...

"BE A WHORE.

"P.S. NO CONDOMS.

COWBOYS LOVERIDIN' BAREBACK."

BE, A WHORE.

( male stoner )"DEAR JERRI,

"I'VE BEEN DOIN'A LOT OF ( big inhale )--

"UH, DRUGS LATELY AND...

"I JUST WANT MORE BECAUSETHEY MAKE ME FEEL GOOD.

SHOULD I STOP ?"

( Jerri )IF YOU WANNA STOPFEELING GOOD.

YEAH !

AH !

( stapling )

"DEAR JERRI,MY LIFE IS IN TURMOIL.

"I AM TORN BETWEEN TWO WOMENI LOVE EQUALLY.

"A FIRERY LATINA, AND... MY MAMA.

( Blackman's voice in sync )"THEY FIGHT LIKE RABID,CORNERED MONGEESE IN HEAT.

"ONE MUST GO.BUT WHO ?

SIGNED, DARK-N-HANDFUL."

( Jerri )"DEAR DARKY,

"MOTHERS ARE A DIME A DOZEN,BUT GIRLFRIENDS COME ONEAT A TIME.

"TAKE A LESSON FROM THOSEARCTIC SAVAGES, ESKIMOS -

"SET MAMA ON AN ICE-FLOW,

AND SEND HER OUTTO "SEA" YOU LATER.

( phone dialing )

HELLO.

MAMA ?

( quietly sobbing )

WHAT'S WITHTHE "BOO-HOOS" ?

MY BOYFRIEND JUSTBROKE UP WITH ME

AND IT'SALL MY FAULT.

OOH, WHO WAS IT ?JOHNNY LING.

JOHNNY LING ?IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARDOF THE OLD EXPRESSION

"BLACK-ON-WHITE,OUTTA SIGHT."

"BLACK-ON-SLOPE,THERE AIN'T NO HOPE."

YOU'RE RIGHT,JERRI !

THAT MAKES A LOTOF SENSE.

THANKS FOR THEGREAT ADVICE.

( Jerri )LAME.

SAY, JERRI !I NEED SOMEBODY LIKE YOU.

YOU REALLY SEEM TO CONNECTWITH THE OTHER STUDENTS.

LET'S SAY YOU COME OVERAND HELP ME OUT ATTHE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER ?

AW, WORKING FOR THE PAPERIS FOR QUEERS.

DULL, DULL, DULL,DULL, DULL !

WELL, THANK YOUFOR YOUR HONESTY.

OH, BY THE WAY !

YOU DON'T EVER HAVE TO COMETO HISTORY CLASS AGAIN.

I'M GIVING YOU ANINFINITE "F".

( softly )FAT ASS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY ?

FAT ASS.THAT'S BETTER.

OHHHH.EXCUSE ME--

I-I'M NEW,

CAN YOU TELL ME WHERETHE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER MEETS ?

EXTRA ! EXTRA !READ ALL ABOUT IT...

"JERRI BLANKPOPS STIFFY !"

EXCUSE ME ?WHY YOU LOOKINGFOR THE PAPER ?

I WANNA SIGN UP.

WELL, WHAT A "CO-INKY-DINK".

I'M WORKIN'ON THE PAPER,

I WAS JUST HEADIN' OVERTHERE RIGHT, AHEM... NOW.

I THINK WORKING ONTHE PAPER IS SO--

SEXY ?I WAS GONNASAY EXCITING.

IT CAN BE.

( humming )

( typing slowly )

( type )

( type )

♪ HMMM HM HM HMMM ♪

( type )

LOOK, TAKE A TYPING CLASS,

THAT "TIP-TIP-TAPPING" IS DRIVING NAILS IN MY SKULL.

( Jellineck )JEEZ, SOMEBODY'SA CRABBY BUNNY.

SHUT UP !

OKAY !AHEM !

HERE'S WHERE WE DO THE PAPER...

FOLDING,

AND HERE'S WEDO THE PAPER...

MACHE.

AND HERE'STHE PAPER...

CLIPS !

AND, UH, THAT'SHOW SHE RUNS.

WOW--

SO YOU WANNA HEAR ANEWSPAPER JOKE ?

WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITEAND ME ALL IN THERE ?

DON'T YOU MEANRED ALL OVER ?

IT IS AFTER I SLAP ITA FEW TIMES.

JERRI, WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE ?

HOLD THE PRESS,CHIEF !

YOU SAID YOU NEEDED SOMEBODYLIKE ME, AND HERE ME IS.

WHAT DO YOU WANTME TO DO ?

I WANT YOU TO WRITE AN ADVICECOLUMN FOR THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

WHAT KIND OF ADVICE ?

SHH !KEEP IT DOWN.

YOUR COLUMN WILL REPLACEMR. JELLINECK'S

AND I HAVEN'TTOLD HIM YET.

( whispering )I UNDERSTAND.

I JUST GOT A JOB WRITIN'THE NEW ADVICE COLUMN !

JERRI PLEASE !THAT'S GREAT, JERRI.

WHAT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITYTO HELP PEOPLE.

WHO ARE YOU ?

OH HI !I'M SIDNEY,

I'D LIKE TO WORKFOR THE PAPER.

OKAY, I COULD USE ARESEARCH ASSISTANT.

YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT,I WANT TO SEE IF YOU CAN

GO RESEARCH ME UPA CINNAMON CHIP SCONE.

WE'RE GONNA BE WORKIN'FOR THE PAPER !

YES !

JERRI, REMEMBER.

( whispering )HUSH-HUSH.

SHH.HEY, MR. J' !

WHAT ARE YOUWRITIN' THERE ?

YOUR OBITUARY ?

( cackles )

( piano playing )

WELL, TIDBITS, I JUST WANTEDTO INFORMALLY GIVE YOU

A FORMAL WELCOMETO MY SCHOOL.

THANK YOU,I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

HEY YOU FELLOW,ACADEMIACS.

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS...( cackles gleefully )

BETTER RUN--

JELLINECK'SON THE PROWL.

UH OH !

NEW GUY !( cackles )

I'M GEOFFREY JELLINECK.

DON'T LET THE BOY'S LOOKSFOOL YOU,

I AM A TEACHER.

TOMORROW'SPOT LUCK FRIDAY.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

EACH OF US SIGN UP TODAYFOR THE FOOD

WE'LL BE BRINGING--TOMORROW.

STILL NEED A CREAMY VEGETABLE,OR A LEAFY DESSERT.

WHAT SHOULD I JOTYOU DOWN FOR ?

ARE YOU A FAGGOT ?

( piano and people halt )

I'M SORRY.WHAT'S HAPPENING ?

YOU SEEMWOMANLY TO ME,

WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVEYOU'RE A FAGGOT.

WELL ?

( all teachers giggling )

GOOD NATURED,RIBBING BY THE NEW GUY,

I LOVE IT !HILARIOUS !

THIS IS NO JOKE.I HATE QUEERS.

( wheezing and cackling )

HE'S TOPPED HIMSELF.

GOOD ONE !

I LOVE IT WHENMY TEACHERS SPAR.

HIGH JINKS !

FUNNY STUFF, TIDBITS.( patting back )

HEY ! LISTEN--

I THINK WE GOT OFF TO APRETTY BAD START IN THERE.

IT'S PROBABLY MY FAULT.

TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'TWE HEAD OVER TO MY CLASS

I HAVE A BLOW TORCH, WE'LLFIRE UP SOME CREME BRULEES,

HAVE A LITTLERAP SESSION,

WORK OUT THISWHOLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

( uneasy giggle )

LISTEN SKIRT, I'M NOTINTO THAT SCENE.

I FIND YOURLIFESTYLE OFFENSIVE.

IT HAS NO PLACEIN A HOUSE OF LEARNING.

SO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.

ONE, DO THE RIGHT THING,AND RESIGN, TODAY,

OR PROVE TO ME YOU'RE A MANBY FIGHTING ME.

I APPRECIATE YOUR OPINION

BUT I WON'T BEDOING EITHER.

I LOVE MY JOB HERE,

AND I'M APRACTICING PACIFIST.

I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOUAFTER SCHOOL

TO HEAR YOUR DECISION.

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