Tuesday, June 9, 2015

  • 06/09/2015

Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett of Mystery Science Theater 3000 write clickbait headlines, name #BoringRealityShows and riff on awful movies on Vine.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES,

IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> THE INTERNET DIDN'T JUST RUINPAID PORN AND HUMAN

RELATIONSHIPS, IT ALSO KILLEDTHE ART OF HEADLINE WRITING.

CASE IN POINT, THIS IS HOWMASHABLE.COM COVERED THE

MCKINNEY, TEXAS POOL PARTY VIDEOWHEREIN A POLICE OFFICER

PHYSICALLY ASSAULTS ANDTHREATENS A GROUP OF UNARMED

TEENAGERS IN BATHING SUITS.

>> THE FIVE MOST WTF MOMENTSFROM THE MCKINNEY POLICE POOL

PARTY VIDEO.

>> THIS IS WHAT IT'S COME TO,AMERICAN CULTURE?

THAT'S HOW YOURECAP AN EPISODE

OF GLEE, NOT A GROWING NATIONALCRISIS.

>> MY WHOLE CAREER SUBSISTS ONTHE INTERNET BUT I THINK WE CAN

DO EVENTS MORE JUSTICE THANLUMPING THEM IN ONE WEIRD TRICK

ADS AND THE MUPPETS"SHIMMY SHIMMY YA" MASHUP.

>> IT'S NOT JUST MASHABLE. ITSEEMS LIKE HEADLINES ARE WRITTEN

BY TODDLERS WITH PHONES NOW.

I BET "THE NEW YORK TIMES" ISCOOKING UP A PIECE RIGHT NOW

CALLED TOP TEN ISIS FAILS.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHERMAJOR EVENT THAT COULD BE

INAPPROPRIATELY WRITTEN INTODAY'S OVERLY CASUAL TONE-DEAF

INTERNET STYLE? MIKE NELSON.

>> YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHATMIND-BLOWING THING HAPPENED AT

THIS TEXAS BOOK DEPOSITORY.

>> Chris: WHOA!

BILL CORBETT.

>> TWO GIRLS, ONE DAY THAT WILLLIVE IN INFAMY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> IT;S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'STRUE.

>> BUT TO MASHABLE'S CREDITTHERE ACTUALLY WAS ONE

WTF MOMENT FROM THE VIDEO. IT'STHIS ONE.

WHY IS HE DOING THAT?

WHY IS THAT HAPPENING?

IT'S LIKE, THE ONLY REASONIT MADE ME THINK THIS WASN'T

RENO 911 IS HE WAS NOTWEARING DICK SHORTS.

>> MOVING ON.

PAPER MAGAZINE WHO EARLIER THISYEAR ATTEMPTED TO BREAK

THE INTERNET WITH A PHOTO OF KIMKARDASHIAN'S BUTTERY REAR

RELEASED THE COVER PHOTO FORTHEIR UPCOMING ISSUE

FEATURING MILEY CYRUS, PICTUREDHERE WITH HER FATHER.

OF COURSE, ONLINE CELEBGOSSIP PEDDLERS TMZ RAN SOME

IMAGES FROM THE PHOTOSHOOT.

NOW, YES, YOU ARE RIGHT.

SHE IS -- THAT'S ALL JUST OUTTHERE

NOW, TMZ IS NOT EXACTLY KNOWNFOR ITS SUBTLETY BUT THIS WAS

BRAZEN EVEN FOR THEM. COMEDIANSWHAT DO YOU THINK TMZ'S HEADLINE

FOR THIS AU NATURAL SCOOP WAS? WAS IT, A) CHECK OUT MY BOOBS

AND VAGINA IN FULL COLOR, B)HONK, HONK, HERE'S A MESS OF

TITTIES, OR C) GENTLEMEN, STARTYOUR BONERS.

>> I GOT TO BELIEVE IT WAS A,IT WAS VERY COLORFUL, WHATEVER

ELSE YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

>> THEY JUST WENT THEDIRECT ROUTE, CHECK OUT MY BOOBS

AND VAGINA IN FULL COLOR.

>> YET WHEN I WRITE A BLOG POSTLIKE THAT I GET NO HITS ON IT

>> WHERE IS THAT CLICKBAIT? COMEON

>> I LIKE THE SWATCH OF TONYKOOCH

THAT'S MY FAVORITE COLOR.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

>> WELL NOW THAT THE DUGGARFAMILY AND THEIR SHOW 19

REPRESSED MEMORIES AND COUNTING,HAS BEEN PULLED FROM TLC,

THE NETWORK IS GOING TONEED SOME NEW EYEBALL

FILLER AND HERE IS A THOUGHT,TLC, MAYBE SHY AWAY FROM THE

SENSATIONALIST HUMAN ODDITYSTUFF.

I THINK MAYBE YOU HAVE MET YOURQUOTA FOR 600-POUND AMISH

HOARDERS AND DWARF TRIPLET SEXSISTER WIVES.

SO TO GIVE YOU SOME LESSCONTROVERSIAL IDEAS

TONIGHT'S HASHTAGIS #BORINGREALITYSHOWS.

>> EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SO YOUTHINK YOU CAN WALK.

OR JOHN AND KATE JUST ATE.

I AM GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK STARTING NOW AND

BEGIN.

KEVIN.

>>DOG THE BARGAINHUNTER.

>> BEHIND THE MUZAK.

>> Chris: YES POINTS

>> SOLVED MYSTERIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BILL.

>> SO YOU THINK YOU CAN READQUIETLY FOR A WHILE?

>> Chris: YES.

VERY BORING.

>> DEADLIEST COUCH.

>> Chris: MIKE.

>> ARE YOU TALLER THAN A FIFTHGRADER?

>> Chris: BILL.

>> SCRABBLE ROUSERS.

>> Chris: MIKE.

>> URINAL CAKE BOSS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY VINE-HS.

>> VINE-HS.

HEY, GUYS, YOU REMEMBER VHSTAPES, RIGHT? I FEEL LIKE SOME

OF YOU ARE JUST PLACATING ME.

THEY ARE THE PLASTIC RECTANGLESYOU FIND HIDDEN IN YOUR DAD'S

SOCK DRAWER AND IT WAS BEFORETHE INTERNET.

YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT WAS ON THEREAND SOMETIMES HE WOULD TAPE

TRANSFORMERS OVER A SOFTCOREPORN UNLESS HE PULLED THE

TAB OUT.

BUT FORTUNATELY--YOU KNOWLIKE WE ALL DID--THE VINE

ACCOUNT, IT CAME FROM THE VCR,HAS

SAVED SOME OF HISTORY'S ODDESTVHS FOR US TO RELIVE AGAIN AND

AGAIN.

I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU APAINFULLY BAD MOVIE CLIP,

WHICH YOU HAVE SOMEEXPERIENCE WITH,

AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANTYOU TELL ME WHAT THE NEXT LINE

OF DIALOGUE IS, OKAY?

THE FIRST ONE:THIS PISSED OFF PASSENGER.

>> NO! I'LL KILL YOU!

>> KEVIN.

>> OKAY, MAYBE I HAD THATBACKWARDS!

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

HOW ABOUT THIS BASTARD?

>>MY FATHER! I FOUND MY FATHER! OH, MY GOD.

>> Chris: MIKE NELSON.

>> AND MY BALLS JUST DROPPED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>>THIS IS FROM MIAMI CONNECTION,WE ARE GOING TO BE RIFFING THIS

FILM THIS YEAR.

>> Chris: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>AND NOBODY WEARS A

SHIRT IN THE ENTIRE FILM.

>> NEVER PUTS A SHIRT ON IN THEENTIRE MOVIE.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

THESE TWO MENSA MEMBERS.

>> WILL THAT HELP ME FIND MYINNOCENCE?

>> Chris: WAIT A MINUTE.

I THINK WE JUST FOUND TONYKOOCH.

>> THERE SHE IS.

>>BILL.

>> COMING UP NEXT ON GERMANSEINFELD.

>> JERRY, I ENVISION A RACEWHERE EVERYONE -- THE SOUP NAZI

IS LITERALLY A SOUP NAZI.

>> OH, HITLER HAD SOME GOODIDEAS, JERRY.

>> HEIL NEWMAN.

>> Chris: POINTS TO KEVIN FORTHAT.

>> NEXT ONE, HOW ABOUT THESEMAGICAL FELLOWS?

>> UH-OH.

>> I LIKE THE WAY IT ENDED UPWITH THE FREEZE FRAME THERE.

>> I THINK HE JUST FOUND THEKINGDOM.

>> Chris: YOU GUYS, "GAME OFTHRONES" IS GETTING WEIRD.

>> EXACTLY.

>> PAY UP, LANNISTER OR THE YETI(BLEEP) YA.

>> Chris: WOW.MIKE.

>>FOOTAGE FROM A NORWEGIAN KEYPARTY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

WHAT ABOUT MR. PERSONALITY HERE?

>> YOU HAVE COLLECTED ALL MYTEARS AND PRESERVED THEM IN YOUR

BOTTLE.

>> Chris: OH.

YES, MIKE.

>> NOW THAT IS WHY I ASKED YOUSPECIFICALLY NOT TO COME TO

CAREER DAY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM TO THEKIDS BEHIND HIM, RUN!

>> NOW WE WANTED TO GIVE OURFANS THE CHANCE TO GET OWNED BY

THE MASTERS SO THIS LAST ONE'SFROM TWITTER USER @NJR AND NOT

FROM THE VINE ACCOUNT, IT CAMEFROM THE VCR. IT'S, WELL, YOU'LL

SEE IT.

>> AAAHHHHH.

>> Chris: MIKE.

OH NO WE WANDERED INTO ANDYDICK'S BACKYARD.

BEFORE THE BREAK I EXPOSED YOUTO THIS WEIRD PUBE GOLDBERG

EXPERIMENT. THIS IS A

TWISTED LIVE PUPPET SHOW ANDASKED YOU TO EXPLAIN TO THE KIDS

IN THE AUDIENCE IN AUSTRALIAWHAT THEY JUST SAW.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOUR HUMAN BRAINSCAME UP WITH.

BILL CORBETT, LET'S START WITHYOU.

>> IT IS THE BEGINNING, THE END,THE ALPHA, THE OMEGA, LIFE AND

DEATH JUST BECAME US.

OKAY, KIDDO, LET'S SEE YOU NEXTWEEKEND.

>> Chris: MIKE NELSON.

>> IT IS SIMPLE, THIS IS LEAKEDFOOTAGE FROM THE

STEVE BUSCEMI SEX TAPE.

>> Chris: KEVIN MURPHY

>> YOU SEE, KIDS THIS IS WHEREYOU COME FROM.

A GROANING, MILK-LEAKING,50-FOOT BALLOON WITH LEPROSY.

>> Chris: I WILL DO 1000POINTS TO MIKE, 500 TO KEVIN,

250 TO BILL AS WE GO TO THE NEXTGAME.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, TMZ ALSOCOVERED THIS PUPPET SHOW HERE.

IT SOLD OUT.

>> Chris: WELL, AS MASTERSOF PUPPETS YOURSELVES

THIS MUST BE FAMILIAR.

>> I DON'T RECALL TOM SERVOLACTATING AT ANY MOMENT.

>>HE WAS VERYDISCREET.

>> Chris: IT IS LIKE --SERVO'S VOICE IS SO INGRAINED

IN ME THAT HEARING YOU TALK LIKEWEIRDS ME OUT SOMETIMES.

ITS TIME FOR TERMS OFSERVICE ENDEARMENT.

>> IF OUR LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCEHAD READ THE TERMS OF SERVICE

FOR TONIGHT'S TAPING, THEY WOULDHAVE REALIZED THAT WE OWN THEIR

CHILDREN AND THAT OUR PRODUCERSARE GRANTED DROIT DU SEIGNEUR,

THE MEDIEVAL RIGHT TO HAVE SEXWITH THEIR SPOUSES.

>> THE WEBSITE TOSDR.ORGCOLLECTS ALL THE BESTEST TERMS

OF SERVICE FROM WEBSITES THATYOU SAID YOU READ BUT ABSOLUTELY

DID NOT READ BEFORE CLICKINGOKAY.

FOR INSTANCE, ACCORDING TO THESEGUYS TWITPIC "TAKES CREDIT FOR

YOUR CONTENT" AND WE'VE ALLGRANTED SPOTIFY PERPETUAL

LICENSE TO EVERYTHING WEPUBLISH.

BUT WHO CARES, YOU ARE IN AHURRY. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, YOU

GOT (BLEEP) TO DO.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO TELL MEAS MANY TOS THAT YOU WISH YOU

HAD SEEN ON WEBSITES BEFORE YOUAGREED TO THEM.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO.

>> OPENING PANDORA RELEASES ALLTHE EVILS IN THE WORLD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEVIN.

>> USER AGREES TO A LITTLE BUTTSTUFF ON APPLE'S BIRTHDAY.

JUST A LITTLE.

>> Chris: BILL.

>> USER AGREES TO HAVE THEIRBODY INHABITED BY THE GHOST OF

STEVE JOBS.

>> Chris: WOW.

>> THAT IS DURING BUTT STUFFDAY, RIGHT?

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.

>>Chris: MIKE.

>> TEN PERCENT OF PROCEEDS WILLGO TO A FOUNDATION THAT GIVES

RACIALLY PROVOCATIVE TATTOOS TOBABIES.

>> Chris: OH, YEAH, YEAH, THATIS THE KOO KOO KOO.

KEVIN.

>> CLICKING HERE PUTS YOU INTOUCH WITH LOCAL MILFS THAT

WILL SUCK YOUR (BLEEP)CLEAN OFF.