Wednesday, December 2, 2015

  • 12/02/2015

Tone Bell, Tiffany Haddish and Colton Dunn create campaign logos for Hillary Clinton, pen #ModernShakespeare classics and set the mood with Pringles' new meat-scented candle.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S RAPIDREFRESH.

HILLARY CLINTON, SEEN HERE INHER LADY ASLAN COSPLAY, HAS BEEN

TAKING SOME HEAT ONLINE FOR HERRECENT DECISION TO HONOR ROSA

PARKS BY SEATING HER ON THE BACKOF HER LOGO.

MANY ON TWITTER CLAIM -- YA THIS[BEEP] HAPPENED --

MANY ON TWITTER CLAIM TEAM HILLWAS "PIMPING ROSA PARKS' LEGACY"

TO GET BLACK VOTES.

WHAAAAAAT????

PANDERING TO BLACK VOTERS?

THE LADY WITH THIS AS HERTWITTER COVER PHOTO?

COME ON.

WHAT.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ALTHOUGH SHE HAS THIS

LOOK IN THE AVATAR LIKE ARE THEYBACK THERE, THEY STILL BACK

THERE?

THEY'RE BACK THERE RIGHT.

BUT HILLARY FORCED LAUGHTER WITHA HUMAN ATTACHED CLINTON HAS A

LOT OF HUMANS TO PLEASE.

SO COMEDIANS, WHAT'S ANOTHERLOGO WE'LL SEE FROM HILLARY'S

CAMPAIGN?

TIFFANY.

>> I THINK SHE WILL REACH OUTALL THE WOMEN WITH HEARTS BROKEN

BY THEIR MAN AND PUT A PICTUREOF HER HUSBAND ON

DONTDATEHIM.COM.

>> I THINK THERE WILL BE APICTURE OF HER AND POPEYE LADY

ON A TANDEM BICYCLE.

>> OLIVE OIL?

>> NO THE CHICKEN LADY.

>> THE POPEYE CHICKEN LADY.

>> YES THE NEW ORLEANS CHEF.

>> WE HAVE CRAWFISH THIS MONTH,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

>> Chris: TOO MANY WHITE PEOPLEIN THE AUDIENCE.

THEY'RE LIKE WHY PUT THATSPINACH EATING SAILOR --

>> I GUESS BLACK PEOPLE LOVEPOPEYE AND THE NAVY.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS TO TONE BELL.

MOVING ON.

>> Chris: IF YOUR LUNCH LADYLOOKS GRUMPIER TODAY, WELL

THAT'S PROBABLY JUST HER FACE.AND ALSO, YOU'RE A LITTLE

(BEEP).

BUT, IT COULD ALSO BE BECAUSE,ACCORDING TO A REPORT FROM

takepart.com, HIGH SCHOOLSTUDENTS IN CHICAGO ARE

BOYCOTTING SCHOOL LUNCHES.

IN TYPICAL TEENAGE FORM, THESESPOILED PROTESTERS ARE MAKING

ABSURD DEMANDS, LIKE ASKING THATTHEIR FOOD BE "HEALTHY" AND "NOT

ROTTEN."

THE STUDENTS ARE SAYING THATFOOD-SERVICE PROVIDER ARAMARK

MAKES BETTER MEALS FOR PRISONERSTHAN STUDENTS.

MAYBE BECAUSE THEY THREATEN TOSHANK YOU WHEN YOU GET THIS FOR

LUNCH.

THIS IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OFYOUR DAILY ALLOWANCE OF THE

COLOR BROWN.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THESTUDENTS' DEMANDS ARE BEING MET

YET, SO COMEDIANS, TELL THESESTUDENTS WHAT'S ON TODAY'S LUNCH

MENU OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER.

TIFFANY.

>> GOOD MORNING, CHILDREN.

GOOD MORNING TODAY WE GOTSOMETHING SPECIAL FOR Y'ALL.

Y'ALL BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUTNUTRIENTS AND WHAT NOT.

WE SERVING UP A WHOLE BUNCH OFEUKANUBA DOG FOOD.

COME ON, SIT, SIT.

SIT BOO-BOO SIT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: COLTON.

>> HERE HERE, ATTENTIONSTUDENTS, FOR LUNCH TODAY WE

WILL BE SERVING AN OLD BOOTRUBBED DOWN IN VICK'S VAPOR RUB

ON A STYROFOAM PLATE OF OSCARTHE GROUCH.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE A FLU SHOTMR. GRUMBLES WILL BE GIVING THEM

OUTSIDE IN THE BACK OF HIS ASTROVAN IN THE PARKING LOT.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

TIME FOR HASHTAG WARS.

THE NEW MACBETH STARRING MICHAELFASSBENDER COMES OUT FRIDAY

-- IT'S MODERN SHAKESPEAR.

EXAMPLES MAY BE"ALL THE WORLDS A VINE" OR

"THE MERRY BAES OFWINDSOR" AND "BUT SOFT, WHAT

MATCH THROUGH YONDER TINDERBREAKS."

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

BEGIN.

>> SIRI OR SIRI THAT'S THEQUESTION.

>> TO THYNE OWN SELFIE BETRUE.

>> ROMEO, ROMEO, SHE READYROMEO.

>> Chris: POINTS.

COLTON.

>> BUT SOFT, WHAT LIGHT THROUGHYONDER WINDOWS TEN BREAKS.

SERIOUSLY, WINDOWS TEN BREAKS.

TIFFANY.

>> TO TURN UP OR NOT TO TURN UP.

THAT IS THE QUESTION.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALRIGHT, TONE.

>> WOULD A ROSE BY ANY OTHERNAME BE AS ON FLEEK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SOME ARE BORN TO BE GREAT.

SOME ACHIEVE GREATNESS.

SOME JUST KARDASHIAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TONE.

>> THUS WITH A KISS I UNFOLLOW.

Chris: POINTS.

COLTON.

>> ATESTLA, ATESTLA MY KINGDOMFOR ATTESTLA.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY 'BOUT TO DROPTHE HOTTEST MIXTAPE.

'BOUT TO DROP THE HOTTESTMIXTAPE.

A PHOTO OF THE POPE SURFACEDTHIS WEEK THAT MADE THE INTERNET

COLLECTIVELY SHOUT, "OH SNAP, ITLOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO DROP

THE HOTTEST MIXTAPE OF 2015!"HERE IT IS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: YA.

HE'S LAYING DOWN THAT OL 'DIRTYTESTAMENT.

THIS INSPIRED THE HASHTAG#POPEBARS, WHERE PEOPLE COMPOSED

RAP LYRICS FOR THE NOTORIOUSP.O.P.E. LIKE THIS ONE FROM

@CHEF LU BU:"MY PSALMS ARE SWEATY, PAGES

WET, ARMS ARE READY, THE SPIRITIN MY BODY ALREADY, LORD'S

SPAGHETTI."

SHE CROSSED HERSELF.

TAKING YOU BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT THE POPE'S NOT THE ONLY ONEBRINGING THAT HOT FIRE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA PHOTO THAT LOOKS LIKE A

MIXTAPE THAT'S ABOUT TO DROP,AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU

TO TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT.

HOW ABOUT THESE PANDAS WITHATTITUDE.

COLTON.

IS ALBUM HAS A GREAT TRACK. IT'SCALLED

BREAM.

BAMBOO RULES EVERYTHING AROUNDME.

>> Chris: WHAT ABOUT THESE SLIMSHADIES.

> WHICH ARTIST ISFEATURED ON THEIR LATEST TRACK,

TIFFANY?

>> THE BLACK DUDE THAT SELLSTHEM WEED.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TONE BELL.

>> THESE ARE THE YING YANGWINKELVOSS TWINS.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

COLTON.

>> FEATURED ON THIS TRACK ISRACHEL DOLEZAL, THAT WHITE CHICK

WHO SAYS SHE'S BLACK.

SHE SHOWS UP AND DROPS SOMEBARS.

>> Chris: WITH HER TRACK "SORRYNOT SORRY."

>> YA.

Chris: NEXT UP PRESIDENTOBAMA AND THE POPE HERE.

WHAT IS THIS RAP DUO, TONE.

>> THEM PUSSY CRUSHERS.

[LAUGHING]>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TIFFANY.

>> I CALL THEM SALT AND PEPPER.

STRAIGHT UP.

SALT AND PEPPER HERE.

>> Chris: PUSH IT REAL GOOD.

COLTON.

>> OKAY THAT'S [BEEP] BITCHESAND HIS HOMIE GET MONEY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHICH ONEIS WHICH.

>> Chris: NEXT UP THESE DIRTYBIRDS.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE SONG ONTHIS MIXED TAPE, TIFFANY.

>> BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MUFFIN.

Chris: COLTON.

>> YA, YA THIS IS A CLASSICTRACK.

POOP, THERE IT IS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: FINALLY, NASTY ASS JEB

BUSH IN HERE.

WHAT IS JEBB'S HYPE MAN SAYING?

I THINK GIVE IT UP FOR THIS DUDETHAT LOOKS LIKE A DAMN RABBIT.

>> Chris POINTS.

COLTON.

>> WHAT UP PARTY PEOPLE JEBBABOUT TO COME OUT AS SOON ASHE'S

DONE WITH HIS NAP.

HE WILL HAVE A QUICK TEA AND BEOUT HERE FOR YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: THE AIR HORN.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: I LOVE THE MOUTH

GENERATED AIR HORN.

ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ANEW PRINGLES-BRAND SCENTED

CANDLE AND ASKED YOU TO GIVE MEA SMOOTH SEDUCTION LINE TO USE

AS YOU LIGHT IT UP.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

TONE, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> HEY, GIRL, I WANT TO LAY YOUDOWN IN MY TRAILER, TEASE YOU

WITH MY RANCH COVERED FINGERS.

BEFORE I SLIDE IT IN I WILL GOINTO A DIABETIC COMA.

I HAVEN'T EATEN VEGETABLES SINCE1980.

>> Chris: VERY SEXY.

SEXUAL.

COLTON.

>> HEY, BABY.

UNLIKE THOSE DELICIOUS PRINGLESYOU ARE SMELLING ONCE I POP, I

WILL STOP.

[LAUGHING]>> AND TAKE A NAP.

THERE IS A TOWEL ON THE TABLE.

[LAUGHING]>> THAT'S SEXY.

Chris: TIFFANY.

>> HEY TONE, HOW ABOUT YOU MAKELIKE A PRINGLES CAN AND LET ME

GET MY HAND STUCK IN IT.

WE GO TO THE NEXT GAME "UBETTERGET ME OUTTA HERE.

UBER IS TEAMING UP WITH A NEWAPP CALLED TELEPORT TO ALLOW YOU

TO PAY FOR FRIENDS' RIDES TOLOCAL BARS OR RESTAURANTS.

IT'S THE NEW TECH-SAVVY WAY TOENABLE YOUR COWORKERS' DRINKING

PROBLEMS!

WELL, NOW YOU'LL HAVE SOMEONE BYYOUR SIDE WHEN YOU INTERACT WITH

THOSE UBER DRIVERS.

ALWAYS A WILDCARD, THOSE GUYS.

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WILL GET.

CHARISMATIC OUT OF WORK ACTORWHO GIVES YOU A RESUME.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE SOME THINGSYOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR UBER

DRIVER SAY?

AND BEGIN.

TONE.

>> SORRY ABOUT THE WET SPOT.

Chris: POINTS.

TONE BELL WAS JUST IN THE CARWITH TIFFANY.

SHE RUINED HIM!

>> IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY.

Chris: COLTON.

>> SO THIS PHONE IS FOR UBER.

THIS PHONE IS FOR LIFT AND THISPHONE IS FOR MY [BEEP] EX-WIFE.

>> NEVER MIND THE SMELL SOMEBODYHAD A BABY IN THE BACK SEAT

BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.

>> Chris: TONE.

>> IGNORE THE KNOCKING IN THETRUNK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

COLTON.

>> HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO TURN OFFA SUICIDE VEST.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: OH, [BEEP].

MY GOD.

POINTS.

TIFFANY.

>> I'M REQUIRED BY THE STATE OFCALIFORNIA TO TELL YOU I'M

A SEX OFFENDER.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

TONE.

>> YA --Chris: TONE.

>> I PREFER TO LET JESUS TAKETHE WHEEL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

COLTON.

>> IT'S ME, BILL COSBY.

FEEL FREE TO HELP YOURSELF TO AWATER OR A TEA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TONE.

>> DON'T WORRY, I DRIVEBETTER ON METH.