Koy, DiGiovanni, Fernandez, Ritchie, Williamson, Waters, Sylvince

  • Season 4, Ep 0405
  • 11/13/2009

Jo Koy ponders deadly tornado warnings, and Andy Ritchie proposes going to a stranger's funeral.

I'm tired of just

going on the roadand going to places.

And-and-and I justdon't want to be there.

You come to New York,

I-I'm happy, like, I lookforward to coming here.

But, like, man,I had to go to Kansas City,

and I just found outthat's not even in Kansas.

I've been Twitteringthe whole time,

"I'm in Kansas.""What city?"

"Kansas City."

And by the way you guysare acting, it looks like

you thought it wasin Kansas, too.

Look, see!

It's in Missouri!

Yeah, stupids.

Stupid.

I'm not the only one.

And I-I was doing it onstage.

I was like, "Man, I'm so happy

to be in Kansas."

And then the guy stood up,he was, like,

"Uh, this is Missour-a."

And he made it sound likeI was stupid,

but he called it Missour-a.

It's not Missour-a.

It's Missouri.

And I get off the planeand get-- I swear, you guys,

when I got off the plane,

uh, you look on the monitorsin baggage claim,

and-and I swear,every-every news channel was on.

And it was like,"Uh, this just breaking news.

"Uh, tornado warningsin Kansas City.

"There's, uh, tremendoustornados, tornado watch.

"Uh, make sure you lookfor the tornados.

"And the tornados are killing.

"Uh, killing, killing,killing, tornados.

And we'll be right backwith deadly tornados."

And I was like,"Are you serious?"

I even looked atthe-the dude next to me.

I was like, uh,

"Is this for real,uh, the tornados?"

And then he was like, "Yeah, butonly if you hear the sirens."

What the hell's wrong with you?

And I go, "Sirens?"

Like, I've never beenin a natural disaster

where you need to hear a sirento do something.

Like, like--

'Cause they don't even know.

They need to warn peoplewith a siren,

'cause they don't even knowwhere the tornado is.

'Cause tornados just appear.

They just, "Dah!" like that.

It's, like, like,

even the news,if you watch the weatherman,

he doesn't even knowwhere the tornado is.

Have you-- Like, he'll just go,

"Uh, I knowit's in the vicinity.

"It's around heresomewhere, man.

If you hear the sirens,just run."

It's not like,a lot like a hurricane,

like, they got confidence.

A weatherman has confidencewhen it's a hurricane.

He's like, "You see this

"big gray circlethat looks like hell?

"It's-it's going towardthese houses with wheels.

Drive away!"

But it's not like thatwith a tornado,

'cause no one knows

where the tornado--tornado just develops.

And it's crazy.

It just enters the room, like,

like a gay Mexican dancer,like, "Aye!"

Like, "Hello, I'm here!"

(chuckles):And...

And it's like--'Cause you seen,

you seen storm chasers

where they're like, like,they think they know.

They're, like, professionals,like, "Yeah, I can tell

"that it's this way 'cause thehail, the hail's coming down

"and the winds, and it's coming.

"It's bigger and it's thicker,

"and it should be--Get your cameras.

"Okay, it's over there, it'sover there, it's over there.

It's over there,it's over there."

I don't want to bea part of that.

I wanted to get outof Kansas City.

I don't want to-to dealwith tornados.

That's the wrong type of naturaldisaster I want to deal with.

I-I'm from L.A., and I--

Earthquakes.

(scoffs)Whatever.

We don't even careabout earthquakes.

We don't-- What?!

Earthquakes don't scarepeople in L.A.

That's, like, everyday life.

Like, it's for a second,"Ooh, what was that?"

Like, that's... that's a 6.3.

I didn't even shake my (bleep)when I was pissing.

It was just--the earth shook it for me.

It was awesome!

(applause)

(chuckles)

You guys are fun.

(humming)

I'm so happy.

How many of you guysever heard of the Haitians?

My uncle, his Haitian accentis so strong,

he used to pronounce"peanuts," "penis."

He go on the airplane:"Where's my penis?

"No. I want my penisin my mouth right now. Oh-oh.

"Why you... why you...why you play with my penis?"

I'm, like, "Uncle,can you please say 'nuts'?

"I like penis more than nuts.

They have vitamin C, and they'regood for your teet'."

Then at that point,we sound like gay people.

I got my jelly flip-flips,you want a penis in your mouth--

what the hell we look like?

(chuckles)

I think I'm getting

more and morelike my parents now,

'cause, like, my mother,she just talk

however she want to talk.

She don't careif you understand her or not.

She'd say stuff like,"I'm watching you with my eyes."

Who else eyes you gonna bewatching me with, Mama?

So now, like-like...sometimes, you ever try

to think of a word and youcan't think of that word?

Like, "Uh... Aw, forget it."

Not me-- I take the nearest wordand throw that bitch out there

and let the people figure outwhat the hell I'm trying to say.

This guy, he was, like,"Well, how much is your rent?"

I said, "My rent is $850,with utensils."

(laughter)

I was dead serious.

"$850, with utensils."

Like, "You mean 'utilities'?

"You could bringyour own utilities,

but I need halfthe utensils every month."

And thank God for the Internet.

Ooh, I was so dumbbefore the Internet.

'Cause sometimes I don't knowwhich word had the two S's.

It was "dessert" or "desert."

So I googled one of them.

If I see a bunch of cakes,I'm, like, "Oh, it's dessert."

(laughter)

And Google don't tryto play you out.

It's just betweenyou and Google, right?

"Did you mean...?"

"Yes, I did, Google."

"Are you trying to say...?"

"Yes, I am."

Google can read minds--it's amazing!

I wish they had Googleeverywhere you went.

Like, I be in my car.

"Oh, the police are behind me.Google, what should I say?"

"Tell 'em that you're white,and that's a birthmark."

"Thank you, Google."Thank you very much.

On the way back,

the pilot had us delayedfor two yours.

He said we couldn't take off,

'cause there wastoo many planes in the sky.

Are you serious?It's a big-ass sky.

(laughter)

Couldn't the planes flyhigher or to the left?

He just straight lied to...

Have you ever looked at the sky,

like, "Man,look at all these planes."

(laughter)

Airports suck ass now,don't they?

They make you take offall your clothes.

We got to be buck naked,holding our balls,

then go to the gate, like,"What the hell's going on here?

I'm just tryingto get back to Brooklyn."

I don't even wear boots anymore.

It's a hassle.

I wear see-throughflip-flop jellies.

(laughter)

And the TSA guysstill make me take 'em off.

"You got to take 'em off."

"Take 'em off?You could see...

They're see-through;you just got to look."

"You needto take 'em off anyway!"

He made me take off my jellies.

(laughter)

One of them got jammedin the machine.

They had to shut it downto get my jellies out.

I looked like a thugwaiting for jellies.

(tough voice):"Yeah, the see-through oneswith the tassels, yo."

(laughter, applause)

Any... anybody everflown first class?

Anybody ever flown?

It's beautiful, ain't it?

The... the chairis like a couch.

I'm, like,"All this space for me?"

You could even sit sideways.

"This is nice."

And they keep feeding youand feeding you,

and after a while, I'm, like,"Bitch, I can't eat no more."

"Give it to some peoplein coach-- they hungry, too.

"It's like a third-world countryin there; help them out.

"Can I sponsor 27-F, please?

(laughter, applause)

"Give all my meals to 27-F.

I want to give back somehow."

And then they havethat little curtain,

they close it from coach.

You know, it's the little"The hell with you" curtain.

You know,the hell with you! Phfft!

See, black people,when we buy things,

we want other people to see it.

So I opened the curtainso people could see me.

The hell with that. Phfft!

(laughter)

(applause)

The hell with coach.

The worst seat in coachis that middle seat, isn't it?

So you got to sitbetween two people

you don't even know, right?

You ever go with themyakkety-yak passengers

who want to talk, talk, talk?

They ain't saying nothing,you know?

"So, where you going?"

"Stupid, the same placeyou're going.

"You think the planegonna split apart,

I'm gonna go this way,you're gonna go that way?"

"Wherever the pilot goes,that's where we're all going!

Thanks forthose stupid questions."

(laughter)

(laughter, applause)

And-and you ever had to waitfor the stewardess to come?

"Sir, you got to put the chairup or we can't take off."

What the hell is this,this right here, this...?

"Sir, put the chair up, please."

"Oh, my bad, I didn't knowI was holding everybody up.

That's my fault."

(laughter)

"Thank you very much.We can take off now."

You could be knocked out,

you could be dead asleep--they'll wake you up, won't they?

(snores)"Sir?"

"We crashing?"

"No. Put that chair up."

"Oh."

(laughter)

That's it?You-you woke me up for this?

What's this, the brakes?

The landing gear?What is this doing?

But they won't wake you up whenthe food is coming, will they?

They'll sneak past my asswhen the food is coming.

(laughter)

(applause)

"He woke up."

I got to getmy bag of peanuts now.

On the way back,

the pilot had us delayedfor two yours.

He said we couldn't take off,

'cause there wastoo many planes in the sky.

Are you serious?It's a big-ass sky.

(laughter)

Couldn't the planes flyhigher or to the left?

He just straight lied to...

Have you ever looked at the sky,

like, "Man,look at all these planes."

(laughter)

Airports suck ass now,don't they?

They make you take offall your clothes.

We got to be buck naked,holding our balls,

then go to the gate, like,"What the hell's going on here?

I'm just tryingto get back to Brooklyn."

I don't even wear boots anymore.

It's a hassle.

I wear see-throughflip-flop jellies.

(laughter)

And the TSA guysstill make me take 'em off.

"You got to take 'em off."

"Take 'em off?You could see...

They're see-through;you just got to look."

"You needto take 'em off anyway!"

He made me take off my jellies.

(laughter)

One of them got jammedin the machine.

They had to shut it downto get my jellies out.

I looked like a thugwaiting for jellies.

(tough voice):"Yeah, the see-through oneswith the tassels, yo."

(laughter, applause)

Any... anybody everflown first class?

Anybody ever flown?

It's beautiful, ain't it?

The... the chairis like a couch.

I'm, like,"All this space for me?"

You could even sit sideways.

"This is nice."

And they keep feeding youand feeding you,

and after a while, I'm, like,"Bitch, I can't eat no more."

"Give it to some peoplein coach-- they hungry, too.

"It's like a third-world countryin there; help them out.

"Can I sponsor 27-F, please?

(laughter, applause)

"Give all my meals to 27-F.

I want to give back somehow."

And then they havethat little curtain,

they close it from coach.

You know, it's the little"The hell with you" curtain.

You know,the hell with you! Phfft!

See, black people,when we buy things,

we want other people to see it.

So I opened the curtainso people could see me.

The hell with that. Phfft!

(laughter)

(applause)

The hell with coach.

The worst seat in coachis that middle seat, isn't it?

So you got to sitbetween two people

you don't even know, right?

You ever go with themyakkety-yak passengers

who want to talk, talk, talk?

They ain't saying nothing,you know?

"So, where you going?"

"Stupid, the same placeyou're going.

"You think the planegonna split apart,

I'm gonna go this way,you're gonna go that way?"

"Wherever the pilot goes,that's where we're all going!

Thanks forthose stupid questions."

(laughter)

(laughter, applause)

And-and you ever had to waitfor the stewardess to come?

"Sir, you got to put the chairup or we can't take off."

What the hell is this,this right here, this...?

"Sir, put the chair up, please."

"Oh, my bad, I didn't knowI was holding everybody up.

That's my fault."

(laughter)

"Thank you very much.We can take off now."

You could be knocked out,

you could be dead asleep--they'll wake you up, won't they?

(snores)"Sir?"

"We crashing?"

"No. Put that chair up."

"Oh."

(laughter)

That's it?You-you woke me up for this?

What's this, the brakes?

The landing gear?What is this doing?

But they won't wake you up whenthe food is coming, will they?

They'll sneak past my asswhen the food is coming.

(laughter)

(applause)

"He woke up."

I got to getmy bag of peanuts now.

My family's from Haiti.

How many of you guysever heard of the Haitians?

My uncle, his Haitian accentis so strong,

he used to pronounce"peanuts," "penis."

He go on the airplane:"Where's my penis?

"No. I want my penisin my mouth right now. Oh-oh.

"Why you... why you...why you play with my penis?"

I'm, like, "Uncle,can you please say 'nuts'?

"I like penis more than nuts.

They have vitamin C, and they'regood for your teet'."

Then at that point,we sound like gay people.

I got my jelly flip-flips,you want a penis in your mouth--

what the hell we look like?

(chuckles)

I think I'm getting

more and morelike my parents now,

'cause, like, my mother,she just talk

however she want to talk.

She don't careif you understand her or not.

She'd say stuff like,"I'm watching you with my eyes."

Who else eyes you gonna bewatching me with, Mama?

So now, like-like...sometimes, you ever try

to think of a word and youcan't think of that word?

Like, "Uh... Aw, forget it."

Not me-- I take the nearest wordand throw that bitch out there

and let the people figure outwhat the hell I'm trying to say.

This guy, he was, like,"Well, how much is your rent?"

I said, "My rent is $850,with utensils."

(laughter)

I was dead serious.

"$850, with utensils."

Like, "You mean 'utilities'?

"You could bringyour own utilities,

but I need halfthe utensils every month."

And thank God for the Internet.

Ooh, I was so dumbbefore the Internet.

'Cause sometimes I don't knowwhich word had the two S's.

It was "dessert" or "desert."

So I googled one of them.

If I see a bunch of cakes,I'm, like, "Oh, it's dessert."

(laughter)

And Google don't tryto play you out.

It's just betweenyou and Google, right?

"Did you mean...?"

"Yes, I did, Google."

"Are you trying to say...?"

"Yes, I am."

Google can read minds--it's amazing!

I wish they had Googleeverywhere you went.

Like, I be in my car.

"Oh, the police are behind me.Google, what should I say?"

"Tell 'em that you're white,and that's a birthmark."

"Thank you, Google."Thank you very much.

Good night. Wil Sylvince.