Koy, DiGiovanni, Fernandez, Ritchie, Williamson, Waters, Sylvince

  • 11/13/2009

I'm tired of just

going on the roadand going to places.

And-and-and I justdon't want to be there.

You come to New York,

I-I'm happy, like, I lookforward to coming here.

But, like, man,I had to go to Kansas City,

and I just found outthat's not even in Kansas.

I've been Twitteringthe whole time,

"I'm in Kansas.""What city?"

"Kansas City."

And by the way you guysare acting, it looks like

you thought it wasin Kansas, too.

Look, see!

It's in Missouri!

Yeah, stupids.

Stupid.

I'm not the only one.

And I-I was doing it onstage.

I was like, "Man, I'm so happy

to be in Kansas."

And then the guy stood up,he was, like,

"Uh, this is Missour-a."

And he made it sound likeI was stupid,

but he called it Missour-a.

It's not Missour-a.

It's Missouri.

And I get off the planeand get-- I swear, you guys,

when I got off the plane,

uh, you look on the monitorsin baggage claim,

and-and I swear,every-every news channel was on.

And it was like,"Uh, this just breaking news.

"Uh, tornado warningsin Kansas City.

"There's, uh, tremendoustornados, tornado watch.

"Uh, make sure you lookfor the tornados.

"And the tornados are killing.

"Uh, killing, killing,killing, tornados.

And we'll be right backwith deadly tornados."

And I was like,"Are you serious?"

I even looked atthe-the dude next to me.

I was like, uh,

"Is this for real,uh, the tornados?"

And then he was like, "Yeah, butonly if you hear the sirens."

What the hell's wrong with you?

And I go, "Sirens?"

Like, I've never beenin a natural disaster

where you need to hear a sirento do something.

Like, like--

'Cause they don't even know.

They need to warn peoplewith a siren,

'cause they don't even knowwhere the tornado is.

'Cause tornados just appear.

They just, "Dah!" like that.

It's, like, like,

even the news,if you watch the weatherman,

he doesn't even knowwhere the tornado is.

Have you-- Like, he'll just go,

"Uh, I knowit's in the vicinity.

"It's around heresomewhere, man.

If you hear the sirens,just run."

It's not like,a lot like a hurricane,

like, they got confidence.

A weatherman has confidencewhen it's a hurricane.

He's like, "You see this

"big gray circlethat looks like hell?

"It's-it's going towardthese houses with wheels.

Drive away!"

But it's not like thatwith a tornado,

'cause no one knows

where the tornado--tornado just develops.

And it's crazy.

It just enters the room, like,

like a gay Mexican dancer,like, "Aye!"

Like, "Hello, I'm here!"

(chuckles):And...

And it's like--'Cause you seen,

you seen storm chasers

where they're like, like,they think they know.

They're, like, professionals,like, "Yeah, I can tell

"that it's this way 'cause thehail, the hail's coming down

"and the winds, and it's coming.

"It's bigger and it's thicker,

"and it should be--Get your cameras.

"Okay, it's over there, it'sover there, it's over there.

It's over there,it's over there."

I don't want to bea part of that.

I wanted to get outof Kansas City.

I don't want to-to dealwith tornados.

That's the wrong type of naturaldisaster I want to deal with.

I-I'm from L.A., and I--

Earthquakes.

(scoffs)Whatever.

We don't even careabout earthquakes.

We don't-- What?!

Earthquakes don't scarepeople in L.A.

That's, like, everyday life.

Like, it's for a second,"Ooh, what was that?"

Like, that's... that's a 6.3.

I didn't even shake my (bleep)when I was pissing.

It was just--the earth shook it for me.

It was awesome!

(applause)

(chuckles)

You guys are fun.

(humming)

I'm so happy.

that I'm making in my life.

One of them, seriously,I'm getting in shape this year.

This is the yearI'm getting into shape.

You know, starting...(cheering, applause)

Yeah, starting on Monday, 'causeI have plans this weekend.

But starting on Monday,this is it.

And there's a lot of reasons,too, for getting into shape.

You know, of course,

I can't really competein the summertime.

I can't-- with all the girls.

I see you out there, half-naked,

walking around metabolizingor whatever it is you do.

I don't know.

I'm not a surgeon.

But I don't, I don't try.

I just stay home in the summer,all right?

This is your time, thin girls.

You get the summertime.

You get three months every year.

Live it up, all right?

I stay home till, like, October.

And then it gets cold again,

and then, you know,then I make my move.

You know, 'cause-- yeah.

'Cause at that point,all the thing girls have

to put their shirts back on,you know what I mean?

And then what are they gonna do?(laughs)

Yeah.

Talk?

Anyway, um,

oh, oh--

(cheering, applause)I know, I know.

I mean...

I should, I should havementioned though off the top

of the show, I do have a bit

of a disclaimerfor my show, everybody.

The fact that I am a big womanhas not affected

my abilityto judge other people.

It hasn't, it hasn't!

Let's judge, oh.

But, no, I went to my doctor,

you know,just to check things out.

And I go and I'm havingmy-my physical.

And my doctor, she's writing upmy little chart.

And she goes and says to meat the end of the appointment,

she's like, "Deborah, justthought I'd let you know

that your uterushas a very long neck."

And I was like, "Well...(laughs)

thank you for noticing."I'm like...

That's weird.

A long-neck uterus?

And then she gave mea prescription for black guys.

So I was like, "All right!"

Now, this is doctor's orders,do you understand?

Doctor's orders.

So if there's, like,a Jamal in the audience,

could you meet me later?

Could you meet me?I'm just gonna say--

I'm supposed to take itwith food, so let's get pizza.

Anyway, I'm supposed to.

God bless. Now, again,you know, my friends,

And this happens, you get old,you start to age,

and things start to change.

You know what I mean?

Like, now, I findas I've gotten older,

my taste in menhas shifted, uh, to boys.

And it's trouble--it's a bit of trouble.

I'm not gonna lie.

Is that just me?Seriously, is that just me?

'Cause I got to tell you,the older I get,

the better lookinggrade 11 gets.

What?!

Okay, I'm going to prison;let's move on.

Um... but I can't waitto be a cougar.

You know what that is?

Uh, the older woman--Oh, I can't wait to be a cougar.

And I'm constantly, like,is there a test

that I have to taketo be a cougar?

Do you know what I mean?

'Cause if there is,I hope there's no running.

I have to say, I hopethere's no running.

'Cause if I arrive to the cougartest and there's, like,

an obstacle course--you know what I mean--

with those tires-- oh, I'm done,

I'm leaving, that's it.

Unless of course, you know,

the Jonas Brothersare waiting at the end.

Then I'm like...(laughs)

I'm just kidding,I'm just kidding.

(chuckles)

Just the young one.

Um, anyway-- no, no!

Call the police.

Now, I did, I did that joke

in a small town,and I had actually had

a cougar in the audience--a woman, not-not an animal.

But she was in the audience,and she said to me, she's like,

"No, no, Deborah,you don't chase the young boys,

you trap them."That's what she said.

I'm like,that's a weird thing to say.

So then I thought about it,

and I started to createthat visual in my head.

I'm like,what would that look like?

Do you know what I mean?Me trap--

like, little cougar trap,you know.

Decided maybeI'd dig a hole, okay?

So maybe I-- and then maybe

I'd cover it up with, like,leaves and branches.

You know what I mean?

Little foliage.You know what I mean?

Wait for the young boysto come by, you know.

Maybe I'd get one,a little baseball cap goes up.

"I got one! Whoa, yes!

(chuckles)

But that's not gonna happen'cause I don't shovel.

I don't shovel.

Sounds a lot like cardio.

¿Como estas?

That about covers all I know.(laughter)

Only in America,you have Spanish people

that don't speak Spanish.

Is anyone with me on that?

(scattered applause)

Oh, so you know how it feels--

to be Spanish in Spanish class--

(laughter)

cheating off of the Chinese kid.

(laughter)

Chinese kid waslooking at me like,

(Chinese accent):"I feel sorry for your mother."

(laughter)

(normal voice):And I'm ashamedthat I don't know it.

Like people ask meto translate stuff.

I don't tell themI can't speak it.

I just make stuff up.(laughter)

I'm in the clubs,some Spanish reggae comes on.

"What is he saying?"

"That guy is complaining aboutthe price of gasolina."

(laughter)

(applause)

"dame mas gasoline."

I went to Puerto Ricowith my cousin.

Like, I'm not going to haveany fun in Puerto Rico, man.

I don't speak the language.

My cousin's like,"Don't worry, yo.

Just use what you learnedin Spanish 1."

That gets you directions--it doesn't get you laid.

(laughter)

I'm in a club usingwhat I learned in Spanish 1.

I'm like, "Hola."

Tu muy bonita.

Um...(laughter)

¿Tu quieres?

(laughter)

She spoke to me in English.

She's like, "You need to treatme with some respect."

You're right. I'm sorry.

¿Usted quiere?

(laughter and applause)

Good. I'm glad you tookSpanish 1.

Or I would have beenscrewed on that one.

just to mess with people?

Go to a stranger's funeralsome time.

Where you don't know anyonethere, right?

And it's an open casket funeral.

That's important.

And wear something weird, too,

like a trench coator a unitard.

(laughter)

Preferably a unitard if youcan get your hands on one.

But just dress as weirdand creepy as you can,

and when you get there,don't talk to anyone.

Just immediately walk upto the open casket,

lean in,and so everyone can hear you go,

"Checkmate."

(laughter)

And then run awaylaughing maniacally.

That would add so much mysteryto that dead guy's life.

His friends and familywould be like,

"Uh, who the hellwas that guy?

"Did Uncle Al havea arch nemesis?

(laughter)

"Did you see that guywith the unitard?

"And the monocle?He had a monocle.

That was crazy."

If you do it, wear a monocle.

That's a monocle.

Well, that's my hand,but you get the idea.

It's not prescription.

A monocle will up the creepfactor in any situation.

(laughter)

I don't know why.

There's just somethinginherently evil

about having bad visionin just one eye.

(laughter)

What happened to you?

I think that's whyMr. Peanut disturbs me.

(laughter)

Mr. Peanut wears a top hat,

a monocle, gloves, shoesand that's it.

(laughter)

He's got a bad leg.

He has a cane.

Like, why would youinvent a character

and give them injuries?

(laughter)

I think it's so you'll feelbad for him, you know.

So, on the frontof the peanut can--

like, "Aw, I can't see, my kneehurts, buy my nuts."

(laughter)

Like, put some pants on,then we'll talk.

I don't do businesswith pantless peanuts.

So, I live in Austin, Texas.

And uh... Ah?

I live rightby the university there.

It's a huge university.

I thought it was gonna be,

like, a really coolplace to live,

but it just makes me feel old.

It's kind of a bummer,especially the girls.

Like, I remember when collegegirls used to look at me.

Now they just keep an eye on me.

"He doesn't belong on campus."

I keep begging my landlady tochange or fix my showerhead.

Uh, but she won't do it becausetechnically, it still works.

Water comes out.

But it sucks because, uh,

my showerhead has differentsettings on it,

which I don't need.I need shower, that's it.

But it's, uh, it's rusted shuton massage mode.

Which is basicallythis water Gatling gun.

It's just relentless, like...

(shouting percussively)

It hurts!

Every time I want to get clean,

I feel likea 60s civil rights activist.

Ooh. All right.

Not everyone laughed at that.

That's all right.Not everyone always does.

I told that jokein Fond du Lac, Wisconsin,

of all places.

And, uh, this ladycomes up to me

after the show,completely serious.

She comes up to me and she goes,

"Um, you know, I marchedfor civil rights in the 1960s,

"and that happened to us.They turned the hoses on us.

That actually happened to me."

I'm like, "Yeah, but every day,first thing in the morning?"

I listen to a lot of hip-hop.

Anyone else?

(applause)

Quite a few people.

Not everybody-- that's fine.

Not everyone likes rap music.

I understand that.

What I don't understand

is when people don't likethat I like rap music.

(laughter)Like people seriously getupset with me

that I listen to it.

They're like, "What are youlistening to gangsta rap for?

You're not a gangster."

Like, you watch action movies.

You're not a ninja.Step off.

(laughter)

Since when do you have to beyour entertainment, cuz?

(laughter)

(laughter)

You're laughing already.I haven't even told a joke yet.

I'm like one for oh.

How much time do I have left?

I'm just kidding.

I'm the comedianwho tells a joke

and says "I'm just kidding."

We're havingso much fun, you guys.

Uh, it's greatto be here in New York.

What a beautiful place.

Here are a few thingsI've learned

through my experiencesin New York City.

First, I learned that prettygirls on subways don't enjoy

talking to really talentedup and coming comedians.

I learned that.

I learned that whenyou're done using a condom,

you're supposed to tie itin a knot

and throw it on the sidewalk.

And my favorite thing I learnedin New York City...

just because you're homeless

doesn't meanyou can't have cats.

(sparse chuckles)

Thank you. Thank you.

She told me, "Taylor,if you ever marry a black woman,

I will not cometo your wedding."

I said, "Grandma...

"by the time I get married,

I don't think you're goingto be alive anymore."

My grandmadoesn't like that joke.

She says it's too dark for her.

You ever hear thisfrom your family?

"Spend time withyour grandparents.

"Find out where you came from.

They're not goingto be around forever."

You ever hear this nonsense?

Well, I did this and I found outthings I did not want to know.

I found out my grandma's parentswere first cousins.

Yay...

Family time!

I wonderwhat their wedding was like.

Was everyone sittingon one side of the aisle?

"So, where'd you guys meet?"

"Grandma's house."

"Well, that's weird."

It's weird.

Comedians are oftentimes asked,

"Who's the funniest personin your family?"

And then comicstry to act modest

by responding with things like,

"Oh, my brother'sthe funniest guy I know."

"My father. That's whereI get my sense of humor."

I want someone to ask me,

"Taylor, who's the funniestperson in your family?"

I'll be like, "Me."

I'm a comedian.

I have a business cardthat says I'm funny.

What a stupid question to ask.Like, you never hear,

"Oprah, who is the best talkshow host in your family?"

Or, "Michael Douglas, who isthe best actor in your family?"

Bad example.

(cheering)

All right, Here's a dog joke.

Um, my friend Margyjust got a labradoodle.

If you're not familiarwith this,

it's the cutest dog I've everseen in my entire life.

It's a mixbetween a lab and a doodle.

I can't even makes this up.

The dog's fatheris a four-pound black poodle.

The dog's mother? 60-poundwhite labrador retriever.

That's a huge size difference.

But I guessit proves the stereotype

that black poodleslove fat white bitches, right?

What?

Uh...

Uh...

It's a dog joke.

You guys are awkward.

My name is Reese Waters andI am a victim of the recession.

Because, as a comedian,

I miss having the city to myselfduring the daytime.

Now the city is crowdedall day long, right?

You know the economy is bad

when a 2:00 pm movieis sold out on a Wednesday.

You used to yell, "Fire!"in a crowded movie theater.

Now, just yell, "Job fair!"

It clears right out.

I remember when I lost my job.

I would dress in a suitto get on the subway,

just 'cause I didn't wantto announce to the world

that I've accomplishednothing today.

Now it's the opposite.You get on the train in a suit,

they look at youlike you don't belong.

Look at this guy.

Friggin' got him a "job."

I bet he paid his renton time this month.

Why don't you get up and givethat seat to a real New Yorker?

Which brings meto a quick rule of thumb.

If your schooladvertises on the bus,

you will never own a car.

Somethingto take home with you tonight.

My girl's always on meabout my drinking.

She says every time you drink,you black out.

Like it's a bad thing.

(laughter)

Really. 'Cause, uh,blacking out

is nature's way of saying...

"You don't want to know."

(laughter)

You don't want to know.

When's the last timeyou blacked out something

you wish you remembered?

I mean,

you didn't black outand cure cancer.

No, you blacked out,

you traded your pantsfor aluminum cans...

(laughter)

You tried to fistfight Grandma.

You went to yourex-girlfriend's house

and did Usher's whole catalog.

(laughter, clapping)

Even the new stuff.

Those are not memories I want.

Thank you, blackout.

You black out,

you get a pass on shamefor one night.

That's fantastic.

People come up to methe next day,

like, "Reese, do you have anyidea what you did last night?"

I'm, like, "Hell, no.

"But you must be horrified.

(laughter)

You got to stop drinkingwith me-- that's your problem."

All right.

Then I took it too far.

Uh, I got so drunk one night,I called the cops on myself.

(laughter)

I was willing to listen.

I did, I woke up out ofa blackout and dialed 911.

911 emergency?

Yes, I would liketo report a break-in.

Somebody broke in my place,knocked me out,

threw up on my chestand just left.

(laughter)

I really am.

Like, uh, like me and my girlwent to the beach this summer,

and she got a tan--she came back,

she had tan linesall over her body.

She was very self-consciousabout it, which confused me--

I thought it was sexyhaving tan lines, you know?

It's kind of like God came down

and highlighted everythingthat was important.

(laughter)You know.

Yeah.

(applause)

Biggest issue we haveis, uh, definitely Lifetime.

She watches a lot of Lifetime.

Which, for those of youwho don't know,

Lifetime is the channelthat women watch that makes it

impossible for men to date them.

That's Lifetime.

Seriously, she sits around andjust collects emotional baggage

by the hour...watching this stuff.

Everything will be fine.

I leave for two hours;I come back.

Now we're fighting...

over somethingshe saw on Lifetime.

Literally, as soonas I get in the door:

"I can't believe you left mewhile my mama was sick."

"That didn'teven happen to you.

(laughter)

That was Sally Field."

"Well, what about that timeI caught you cheating

and you faked your own deathto get away with it?"

"Why are youbringing up old stuff?"

(laughter)

How many of you guysever heard of the Haitians?

My uncle, his Haitian accentis so strong,

he used to pronounce"peanuts," "penis."

He go on the airplane:"Where's my penis?

"No. I want my penisin my mouth right now. Oh-oh.

"Why you... why you...why you play with my penis?"

I'm, like, "Uncle,can you please say 'nuts'?

"I like penis more than nuts.

They have vitamin C, and they'regood for your teet'."

Then at that point,we sound like gay people.

I got my jelly flip-flips,you want a penis in your mouth--

what the hell we look like?

(chuckles)

I think I'm getting

more and morelike my parents now,

'cause, like, my mother,she just talk

however she want to talk.

She don't careif you understand her or not.

She'd say stuff like,"I'm watching you with my eyes."

Who else eyes you gonna bewatching me with, Mama?

So now, like-like...sometimes, you ever try

to think of a word and youcan't think of that word?

Like, "Uh... Aw, forget it."

Not me-- I take the nearest wordand throw that bitch out there

and let the people figure outwhat the hell I'm trying to say.

This guy, he was, like,"Well, how much is your rent?"

I said, "My rent is $850,with utensils."

(laughter)

I was dead serious.

"$850, with utensils."

Like, "You mean 'utilities'?

"You could bringyour own utilities,

but I need halfthe utensils every month."

And thank God for the Internet.

Ooh, I was so dumbbefore the Internet.

'Cause sometimes I don't knowwhich word had the two S's.

It was "dessert" or "desert."

So I googled one of them.

If I see a bunch of cakes,I'm, like, "Oh, it's dessert."

(laughter)

And Google don't tryto play you out.

It's just betweenyou and Google, right?

"Did you mean...?"

"Yes, I did, Google."

"Are you trying to say...?"

"Yes, I am."

Google can read minds--it's amazing!

I wish they had Googleeverywhere you went.

Like, I be in my car.

"Oh, the police are behind me.Google, what should I say?"

"Tell 'em that you're white,and that's a birthmark."

"Thank you, Google."Thank you very much.

On the way back,

the pilot had us delayedfor two yours.

He said we couldn't take off,

'cause there wastoo many planes in the sky.

Are you serious?It's a big-ass sky.

(laughter)

Couldn't the planes flyhigher or to the left?

He just straight lied to...

Have you ever looked at the sky,

like, "Man,look at all these planes."

(laughter)

Airports suck ass now,don't they?

They make you take offall your clothes.

We got to be buck naked,holding our balls,

then go to the gate, like,"What the hell's going on here?

I'm just tryingto get back to Brooklyn."

I don't even wear boots anymore.

It's a hassle.

I wear see-throughflip-flop jellies.

(laughter)

And the TSA guysstill make me take 'em off.

"You got to take 'em off."

"Take 'em off?You could see...

They're see-through;you just got to look."

"You needto take 'em off anyway!"

He made me take off my jellies.

(laughter)

One of them got jammedin the machine.

They had to shut it downto get my jellies out.

I looked like a thugwaiting for jellies.

(tough voice):"Yeah, the see-through oneswith the tassels, yo."

(laughter, applause)

Any... anybody everflown first class?

Anybody ever flown?

It's beautiful, ain't it?

The... the chairis like a couch.

I'm, like,"All this space for me?"

You could even sit sideways.

"This is nice."

And they keep feeding youand feeding you,

and after a while, I'm, like,"Bitch, I can't eat no more."

"Give it to some peoplein coach-- they hungry, too.

"It's like a third-world countryin there; help them out.

"Can I sponsor 27-F, please?

(laughter, applause)

"Give all my meals to 27-F.

I want to give back somehow."

And then they havethat little curtain,

they close it from coach.

You know, it's the little"The hell with you" curtain.

You know,the hell with you! Phfft!

See, black people,when we buy things,

we want other people to see it.

So I opened the curtainso people could see me.

The hell with that. Phfft!

(laughter)

(applause)

The hell with coach.

The worst seat in coachis that middle seat, isn't it?

So you got to sitbetween two people

you don't even know, right?

You ever go with themyakkety-yak passengers

who want to talk, talk, talk?

They ain't saying nothing,you know?

"So, where you going?"

"Stupid, the same placeyou're going.

"You think the planegonna split apart,

I'm gonna go this way,you're gonna go that way?"

"Wherever the pilot goes,that's where we're all going!

Thanks forthose stupid questions."

(laughter)

(laughter, applause)

And-and you ever had to waitfor the stewardess to come?

"Sir, you got to put the chairup or we can't take off."

What the hell is this,this right here, this...?

"Sir, put the chair up, please."

"Oh, my bad, I didn't knowI was holding everybody up.

That's my fault."

(laughter)

"Thank you very much.We can take off now."

You could be knocked out,

you could be dead asleep--they'll wake you up, won't they?

(snores)"Sir?"

"We crashing?"

"No. Put that chair up."

"Oh."

(laughter)

That's it?You-you woke me up for this?

What's this, the brakes?

The landing gear?What is this doing?

But they won't wake you up whenthe food is coming, will they?

They'll sneak past my asswhen the food is coming.

(laughter)

(applause)

"He woke up."

I got to getmy bag of peanuts now.

On the way back,

the pilot had us delayedfor two yours.

He said we couldn't take off,

'cause there wastoo many planes in the sky.

Are you serious?It's a big-ass sky.

(laughter)

Couldn't the planes flyhigher or to the left?

He just straight lied to...

Have you ever looked at the sky,

like, "Man,look at all these planes."

(laughter)

Airports suck ass now,don't they?

They make you take offall your clothes.

We got to be buck naked,holding our balls,

then go to the gate, like,"What the hell's going on here?

I'm just tryingto get back to Brooklyn."

I don't even wear boots anymore.

It's a hassle.

I wear see-throughflip-flop jellies.

(laughter)

And the TSA guysstill make me take 'em off.

"You got to take 'em off."

"Take 'em off?You could see...

They're see-through;you just got to look."

"You needto take 'em off anyway!"

He made me take off my jellies.

(laughter)

One of them got jammedin the machine.

They had to shut it downto get my jellies out.

I looked like a thugwaiting for jellies.

(tough voice):"Yeah, the see-through oneswith the tassels, yo."

(laughter, applause)

Any... anybody everflown first class?

Anybody ever flown?

It's beautiful, ain't it?

The... the chairis like a couch.

I'm, like,"All this space for me?"

You could even sit sideways.

"This is nice."

And they keep feeding youand feeding you,

and after a while, I'm, like,"Bitch, I can't eat no more."

"Give it to some peoplein coach-- they hungry, too.

"It's like a third-world countryin there; help them out.

"Can I sponsor 27-F, please?

(laughter, applause)

"Give all my meals to 27-F.

I want to give back somehow."

And then they havethat little curtain,

they close it from coach.

You know, it's the little"The hell with you" curtain.

You know,the hell with you! Phfft!

See, black people,when we buy things,

we want other people to see it.

So I opened the curtainso people could see me.

The hell with that. Phfft!

(laughter)

(applause)

The hell with coach.

The worst seat in coachis that middle seat, isn't it?

So you got to sitbetween two people

you don't even know, right?

You ever go with themyakkety-yak passengers

who want to talk, talk, talk?

They ain't saying nothing,you know?

"So, where you going?"

"Stupid, the same placeyou're going.

"You think the planegonna split apart,

I'm gonna go this way,you're gonna go that way?"

"Wherever the pilot goes,that's where we're all going!

Thanks forthose stupid questions."

(laughter)

(laughter, applause)

And-and you ever had to waitfor the stewardess to come?

"Sir, you got to put the chairup or we can't take off."

What the hell is this,this right here, this...?

"Sir, put the chair up, please."

"Oh, my bad, I didn't knowI was holding everybody up.

That's my fault."

(laughter)

"Thank you very much.We can take off now."

You could be knocked out,

you could be dead asleep--they'll wake you up, won't they?

(snores)"Sir?"

"We crashing?"

"No. Put that chair up."

"Oh."

(laughter)

That's it?You-you woke me up for this?

What's this, the brakes?

The landing gear?What is this doing?

But they won't wake you up whenthe food is coming, will they?

They'll sneak past my asswhen the food is coming.

(laughter)

(applause)

"He woke up."

I got to getmy bag of peanuts now.

My family's from Haiti.

How many of you guysever heard of the Haitians?

My uncle, his Haitian accentis so strong,

he used to pronounce"peanuts," "penis."

He go on the airplane:"Where's my penis?

"No. I want my penisin my mouth right now. Oh-oh.

"Why you... why you...why you play with my penis?"

I'm, like, "Uncle,can you please say 'nuts'?

"I like penis more than nuts.

They have vitamin C, and they'regood for your teet'."

Then at that point,we sound like gay people.

I got my jelly flip-flips,you want a penis in your mouth--

what the hell we look like?

(chuckles)

I think I'm getting

more and morelike my parents now,

'cause, like, my mother,she just talk

however she want to talk.

She don't careif you understand her or not.

She'd say stuff like,"I'm watching you with my eyes."

Who else eyes you gonna bewatching me with, Mama?

So now, like-like...sometimes, you ever try

to think of a word and youcan't think of that word?

Like, "Uh... Aw, forget it."

Not me-- I take the nearest wordand throw that bitch out there

and let the people figure outwhat the hell I'm trying to say.

This guy, he was, like,"Well, how much is your rent?"

I said, "My rent is $850,with utensils."

(laughter)

I was dead serious.

"$850, with utensils."

Like, "You mean 'utilities'?

"You could bringyour own utilities,

but I need halfthe utensils every month."

And thank God for the Internet.

Ooh, I was so dumbbefore the Internet.

'Cause sometimes I don't knowwhich word had the two S's.

It was "dessert" or "desert."

So I googled one of them.

If I see a bunch of cakes,I'm, like, "Oh, it's dessert."

(laughter)

And Google don't tryto play you out.

It's just betweenyou and Google, right?

"Did you mean...?"

"Yes, I did, Google."

"Are you trying to say...?"

"Yes, I am."

Google can read minds--it's amazing!

I wish they had Googleeverywhere you went.

Like, I be in my car.

"Oh, the police are behind me.Google, what should I say?"

"Tell 'em that you're white,and that's a birthmark."

"Thank you, Google."Thank you very much.

Good night. Wil Sylvince.

Loading...