Bill Kirchenbauer & Scott Larose

  • Season 1, Ep 0140
  • 02/24/1992

I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY ENSCONCEDIN THE FASHION WORLD

AND I JUST HAD TO GETOUT OF IT FOR A MINUTE.

THE MODELS WEREWEARING ME OUT:

THE CINDYS, THE LINDAS,THE TWO YASMINES

THE NADEGES, THE SHANAS,THE SHALOMS.

NO, THERE IS A MODELNAMED SHALOM.

NOW, YOU CAN BANKTHAT SHE HAS NO CONCEPT

OF WHAT IT MEANS, RIGHT?

"SHALOM, DO YOU REALIZETHAT YOUR NAME MEANS

PEACE AND LOVE,HELLO, GOOD-BYE?"

( in high voice: )NO, REALLY?

( laughter )

"SOMEBODY JUST GAVE IT TO MEONE DAY AND I TOOK IT."

SHALOM-- OF COURSE, THE TRENDNOW IS TO HAVE NO EYEBROWS

SO IF YOU HAVE ANY EYEBROWSJUST PLUCK THEM ALL OUT

AND THEN WHATEVER'S LEFT,BLEACH THEM.

THAT'S WHAT ONE OF THEBIG HAIR AND MAKEUP PEOPLE

TOLD THE MODELS.

AND OF COURSE, THEY LISTENED.

THEY CAN'T MAKE ANY DECISIONSON THEIR OWN.

HAIR AND MAKEUP PEOPLEIN THE FASHION WORLD

ARE A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE.

THEY RULE YOU.

ONCE THEY HAVE YOU UNDERTHEIR CLUTCHES, IT'S ALL OVER.

THEY'LL PLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS

THEY'LL CUT YOUR HAIR INANY CONFIGURATION THEY DECIDE.

THEY WILL TOTALLYHAZE YOU, COMPLETELY

UNTIL YOU LOOK LIKEA COMPLETE IDIOT.

AND YOU'LL GET INTO IT.

BUT NOTHING BEATSHAIR AND MAKEUP PEOPLE

IN THE TELEVISIONAND FILM INDUSTRY

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALLIN THE UNION, YOU KNOW.

THEY'RE ALL LIKE...

BY ALL RIGHTS THEY SHOULD BELIKE, OPERATING A LIFT, BUT...

THEY'RE DOING YOUR HAIRAND MAKEUP INSTEAD

AND DAMN PROUD OF IT.

IT'S THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE.

( in low voice: )"WELL, WE CAN TROLL IN

A LITTLE BIT OF STIPPLEUNDER YOUR EYES."

YOU CAN BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL,GLAMOROUS MICHELLE PFEIFFER

AND THEY WILL MAKE YOULOOK LIKE HELL

AND TELL YOUHOW INCREDIBLE YOU LOOK.

AND THEN YOU GOTO SEE THE FILM

AND YOU GOT THESE HUGE BAGS,DEEP FURROWS, YOU LOOK 80.

( in low voice: )"THAT'S MY WORK UP THERE.

I USED TO LAY BRICKS, BUT..."

( laughter )

IT'S COMPLETELY INSANE.

THAT'S WHY I TRAVEL

WITH MY OWN HAIRAND MAKEUP PEOPLE

AND IT PAYS OFF.

IT'S FASHION, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THE WIND FROM YOUR APPLAUSE.

( imitates wind blowing )

OH, THE WIND FROM YOUR APPLAUSE.

( imitates wind blowing )

WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NICETO BE HERE THIS EVENING

AT, UH... THE, UH...CLOTH WORLD.

( laughter )

I'D LIKE A BOLT OF THAT.

I'D LIKE YOU TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT I DO GIVE AWAYFREE KIRCHEN FANS

TO THE VERY BEST LAUGHERSIN THE CROWD.

YEAH, THEY'RE KIRCHEN FANS,THEY'RE FREE, THERE YOU GO.

YEAH.

YOU'RE USING IT WRONG.

I GIVE THESE TO PEOPLEAND THEY USE IT WRONG.

THEY START DOING THIS.

THIS IS WRONG.

THIS IS A KIRCHEN FAN.

YOU USE IT LIKE THIS.

LASTS A LOT LONGERTHAT WAY, TOO.

I WAS DOWN IN TEXASA COUPLE WEEKS AGO, ACTUALLY.

I LIKE TO GO DOWN THERE BECAUSETHEY GOT A LOT OF GREASY FOOD.

I LIKE GREASY FOOD.

MY FAVORITE GREASY FOOD IS

THOSE FRENCH FRIESYOU GET AT McDONALD'S.

YOU EVER GET THAT SHARP,LITTLE, HARD BROWN FRY

IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG?

THE ONE YOU CAN CUTYOUR FINGER ON.

YOU COULD HOLD UPA LIQUOR STORE WITH IT.

GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!

I'LL CUT YOU WITH THIS FRY.

IT'S A SWITCH-FRY.

I THINK MY FAVORITEGREASY FOOD IS

THOSE CORN DOGSYOU GET AT THE FAIR.

THOSE ONES WITHTHE STICK IN THEM.

THEY'RE A LOT BETTER IF YOUDON'T EAT THAT DAMN STICK.

YEAH, BUT YOU GO DOWN SOUTH

AND GO IN ONE OF THEMSOUTHERN DINERS AND ORDER.

SAY! LET ME HAVE AN ORDER

OF THEM BREADED, DEEP-FRIEDFAT BALLS WITH BUTTER ON THEM.

AND A SIDE OF MAYO.

AND SOME KOOL-AID.

( laughter )

THAT'S HOW THEYPRONOUNCE IT: KOOL-AID.

THEY SAY IT AND THENTHEY SUCK HALF OF IT BACK.

KOOL-AID.

YOU GO TO THE CARNIVAL,YOU GO TO THE FAIR

AND YOU EAT ALL THAT GREASYFOOD, THAT'S GREAT, YEAH.

AND THEN YOU GO ON THE RIDES.

THERE'S A GREATCOMBINATION, HUH?

GREASE, DOUGHAND HIGH-VELOCITY RIDES.

MY FAVORITE RIDE IS THE ZIPPER.

THAT'S A GREAT RIDE.

THAT'S BEEN AROUNDHUNDREDS OF YEARS.

I LIKE THE ZIPPER.

YOU KNOW A RIDE'S REAL GOODWHEN IT STARTS OFF

BY THEM LOCKING YOUR BUTTIN A BIG STEEL CAGE.

THE ZIPPER'S KINDOF A STEEL CAGE

AND IT'S SPINNING AROUNDLIKE THAT...

( imitates machine )

WITH A STICK WITHTWO OTHER MORONS DOWN HERE

GOING... ( imitates machine )

AND THE WHOLE THING GOES...( imitates machine ).

AND YOU PAY THEM.

SO YOU'RE ON THIS RIDEFOR ABOUT TWO SECONDS.

THAT'S HOW LONG IT TAKES YOUTO FIGURE OUT

THIS IS NOT WHEREYOU WANT TO BE ANYMORE!

SO YOU END UP BEGGINGTHE GUY WITH THE CONTROLS

TO STOP THE THINGEACH TIME YOU PASS BY HIM.

( mimics person on ride begging to get off )

OH, MY GOD, PLEASESTOP THIS THING...

I FIGURED OUT WHYTHEY CALL IT "THE ZIPPER."

BECAUSE WHEN YOU GETOFF THE RIDE

ALL YOU CAN SEE IS YOUR ZIPPER.

BLAH...

BLAH...

( laughter )

I SWEAT A LOT.

I CAN PUT OUT ABOUTA QUART IN 30 SECONDS.

WELL, I'VE BEEN GOING AROUND

NOTICING A LOT OF STUPID STUFFIN THIS COUNTRY

STUFF THAT IS JUSTKIND OF THERE.

I DON'T HAVE TOWRITE THIS STUFF.

STUPIDEST THING I NOTICED IS

A COUPLE WEEKS AGOI WENT TO SEA WORLD.

NOW, IF YOU EVERGO TO SEA WORLD

TAKE A MINUTE TO NOTICE

THAT THEY SELL FISH SANDWICHESAT SEA WORLD.

NOW, WHAT INSENSITIVE GUYCAME UP WITH THIS?

IT'S LIKE, IF YOU'RE NOT DOINGA REAL GOOD JOB AS A FISH

YOU CAN JUST GETYOUR LITTLE FISH BUTT

OVER TO THE RESTAURANT.

PUT SOME TARTAR SAUCEON IT RIGHT NOW.

BOY, TALK ABOUT JOB STRESS.

"HEY, LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY, HERECOMES THE BOSS-- LOOK BUSY."

( imitates dolphin )

( applause )

DON'T LET HIM SEE YOU FLOATING.

BOY, DON'T LET HIMCATCH YOU FLOATING.

THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR

WHEN THEY HAVE A LOTOF BEAUTY CONTESTS.

I DON'T THINK BEAUTY CONTESTSARE REALLY THAT STUPID

BUT WHAT I THINKIS REAL SILLY IS

THEY START OUT WITH50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

AND THEY GET DOWNTO THE FIVE FINALISTS

AND THE OTHER 45 LOSERS

KEEP SINGING AND DANCINGTHEIR BUTTS OFF

LIKE THEY'RE HAPPY.

♪ HEY, WE'RE THE LOSERS

♪ BUT WE'RE SINGING

♪ AND WE'RE ACTING LIKEWE'RE HAPPY, YES, WE ARE. ♪

IF IT WERE ME, I'D SAY, "HEY,SCREW YOU AND YOUR CONTEST.

"I'M GOING TO GO GET DRUNK.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,FIRE ME?"

I MOVED.

I MOVED EXACTLY ONE MILEFROM WHERE I USED TO LIVE.

YOU EVER MET ANYBODYTHAT DID THAT?

"WELL, I'M MOVING."

"WHERE TO?"

"OVER THERE.

I DON'T LIKE THE CLIMATEAROUND HERE."

SO NOW I MOVED, AND NOW I, UH...

I LIVE IN ANOTHERLITTLE TOWNSHIP

AND NOW I GET A SEWER BILLEVERY MONTH.

SEWER BILL.

I DON'T MIND GETTINGA SEWER BILL.

WHAT I THINK IS REAL STUPID IS

EVERY MONTH THIS SEWER BILLIS DIFFERENT.

WHAT KIND OF METERHAVE THEY GOT FOR THIS?

IS THERE SOME GUY UNDERNEATHTHE HOUSE GOING "UH-HUH..."?

( laughter )

"UH-HUH... WHOA!"

"CHARGE HIMAN EXTRA BUCK FOR THAT."

I LIKE TO GO UP TOPEOPLE IN AIRPORTS

LOOK LIKE THEY'VE BEENTRAVELING A LOT

AND HAVE NO IDEAWHAT TIME ZONE THEY'RE IN.

JUST PICK SOMEBODYAT RANDOM, JUST GO...

EXCUSE ME, SIR... BUTHAVE YOU GOT THE YEAR?

SOMETIMES THEY'LLGIVE YOU THEIR CAR.

THIS IS VERY USEFUL.

EVERYBODY SHOULD LEARNHOW TO DO THIS.

IF YOU'RE INA REAL BAD NEIGHBORHOOD

AND YOU THINK YOU MIGHTGET MUGGED

JUST WALK THROUGHTHE NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THAT.

NOBODY WILL MESS WITH YOU.

WHO'S CARRYING THE BAG?

IS THAT YOUR BAG?

LET ME SEE.

IT'S AN AWFULLY CHIC LITTLE BAG.

I JUST WANT TO SEEWHAT'S IN HERE.

IS THIS, LIKE, A CIGARETTE CASEFROM THE '40s?

THAT SOME FABULOUSACTRESS CARRIED?

I'M NOT GOING TO...I'M NOT GOING TO DELVE.

I'M AFRAID OF WHAT I MIGHT FIND.

OH, I LOVE YOURHALLMARK DATE BOOK.

WITHOUT A...WITHOUT A DAMN THING IN IT.

"IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS."

WHO DO YOU KNOW WHO WOULD FILLIN "IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS:

POLICE, FIRE DEPARTMENT,AMBULANCE..."

NO, WAIT, "PHARMACIST, CLERGY."

I KNOW I LIKE TO HAVEMY RABBI'S NUMBER

AT MY FINGERTIPS.

"SCHOOL," AND LAST BUT NOTLEAST, "YOUR HALLMARK STORE."

BUT THEY LEAVETHREE LINES FOR THAT.

JUST FOR AN EMERGENCY.

OF COURSE IT WAS FREE.

NO, YOU PAID FOR IT.

IT'S A GOOD CHRISTIAN THING,HALLMARK, APPARENTLY.

OH, LOOK, YOU HAVE ONEOF THOSE LITTLE THINGS

THAT GO... ( whistles )

HERE, CATCH.

YEAH, YEAH.

I GOT CAUGHT IN ONEOF THE CURTAINS BACKSTAGE.

IT'S LIKE, I FIT RIGHT IN.

YOU JUST SEE MY HEADSTICKING OUT.

I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO DOA STAR SEARCH PHOTO SHOOT

WITH THIS ON.

AND MY FAVORITE THING WITHTHE WHOLE MALE MODEL THING

THEY ALWAYS DO THE CLOTHINGIN SLOW MOTION.

LIKE THAT MAKES ITMORE APPEALING TO WEAR.

THEY ALWAYS GO LIKE THIS.

NOW, IF IT WAS NORMAL SPEEDIT WOULD BE LIKE...

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?"

SEE? SEE?

IT'S NOT GOOD CLOTHINGUNLESS IT'S...

THE SAME GUY,THE SAME GUY AT A PARTY.

( laughter and applause )

BUT LATELY, WHEN YOU GETSOMETHING DONE IN YOUR LIFE

HAVE YOU NOTICED IT'S BEENTAKING TWO AND THREE TIMES

TO HAVE SOMETHING DONE RIGHT?

I GO TO THE GAS STATION,I GET GAS.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DOAT THE GAS STATION?

I GO TO GAS STATIONTO PURCHASE A PUMP.

I GO TO THE GAS STATIONTO GET GAS, OKAY?

STOP, I'M GOINGTO PEE MY PANTS.

( laughter )

I SAY "FOUR DOLLARS."

IT CLICKS OFF AT THREE.

AT THREE IT CLICKS OFF.

I SAY, "WHAT'S WITHTHE LAST DOLLAR?

"AND WHAT'S WITHTHE LAST TEN CENTS

TAKING JUST AS LONGAS THE FIRST 3.90?"

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

3.90, 3.91... 3.92...

WHAT IS THAT, THE MALE MODEL GUYPUMPING THE GAS FOR ME?

THEY HAVE TO SLOW THE GAS DOWNSO IT DOESN'T BUILD UP

AND BLOW YOUR CARRIGHT OUT OF THE ISLAND?

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MAN?"

"IT WAS AT NORMAL SPEED.

IT JUST BLEW IT RIGHT OUT."

SO I TRY TO RELAX.

I FIGURE, LET ME RENT A VIDEO.

THAT'S WHAT I'LL DOBECAUSE IT'S ESCAPIST, RIGHT?

I CAN RENT A VIDEO,I CAN ESCAPE.

I RENT A MOVIE CALLED ROCKETEER.

I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE... WRONG.

HOW DOES THAT GUY FLY LIKE THATWITHOUT BURNING HIS ASS OFF?

HE'S GOT A NUCLEAR WARHEADON HIS ANAL CAVITY

AND THERE'S NO MENTIONOF BLISTERS?

YEAH, LIKE HE WOULDN'T LAND

AND GO RIGHT FOR THE TUCK'SMEDICATED PADS, YOU KNOW?

( hissing )

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF LINEOF BUSINESS AM I IN?"

AND WHAT IF HE HAS GAS?

IS THAT LIKE TURBO FOR HIM?

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOING ALONG.

DOES IT SHOOT HIM OFFIN ANOTHER DIRECTION?

THE ADDAMS FAMILY-- A NICE COMEDY, RIGHT?

I WATCH THE MOVIE AND I GO

"WAIT A MINUTE,HOLD ON A SECOND.

"IF MORTICIA REALLY DIDHAVE A PET HAND

SHE'D NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE."

THEY DON'T SHOW THAT.

THAT WOULD BE THE BEST PARTOF THE MOVIE.

NONE OF US WOULDLEAVE THE HOUSE.

"OH, THING, COME HEREFOR A SECOND.

DOWN, DOWN, STAY, STAY."

I THINK THAT THE HANDTHAT WAS CUT OFF

FOR THE ADDAMS FAMILYWAS CUT OFF THE GUY FROM HOOK.

THAT'S MY THEORY.

IT GOT CUT OFF THE GUY IN HOOK

IT WENT RIGHT OVERTO THE NEXT SET

AND SAID, "I'LL WORK HERE."

WHEN I WALKED OUTOF THE MOVIE HOOK--

I LIKE SCREWING WITH PEOPLE--

I WALK OUT, AND I GO"CAN YOU BELIEVE

DUSTIN HOFFMAN CUT OFFHIS HAND FOR THAT MOVIE?"

AND YOU ALWAYS GET SOMEBODY,"ARE YOU SERIOUS?"

"WOW, THAT PUTS ITIN A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE."

THIS LITTLE THING CALLED...

THIS IS CALLED "ABBOTTAND COSTELLO IN THE '90s."

( guffaws )

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

I'M LAUGHING BECAUSEI SAW MYSELF DO THIS.

THIS IS FUNNY.

HERE WE GO.

( in Lou Costello's voice: )HEY, ABBOTT!

( in Bud Abbott's voice: )WHAT'S THE MATTER, LOU?

"I'M A LITTLE UPSET.

I THINK I GOT TO TALKTO DR. VISCOTT."

"NEVER MIND DR. VISCOTT.

"GO AHEAD, TELL THE FINEPEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WHAT'S THE MATTER."

"I JUST WISH WE COULDGET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER."

"I JUST WISH WE COULD ALLGET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER

BECAUSE THAT RIOT THINGHAD ME VERY UPSET."

"YEAH, IT WAS VERY UPSETTING."

"I HEARD MRS. FIELDS SAID THATWE'VE HAD RIOTS BEFORE IN L.A."

"WATTS RIOTS."

"I DON'T KNOW,THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING YOU."

( laughter )

"AND I JUST TOLD YOU."

"YOU TOLD ME WHAT?"

"SURE I DID."

"WHAT'S THE NAMEOF THE OLD RIOT?"

"SURE IT IS."

"NEVER MIND, ABBOTT.

I HEARD SOME FAMOUS PEOPLEHELPED OUT DURING THE RIOTS."

"EDWARD JAMES OLMOS DID."

"ALMOST DID WHAT?"

"HE ALMOST HELPED OUT."

"I DON'T CARE IF THE GUYALMOST HELPED OUT.

I WANT TO KNOWWHO HELPED ALL THE WAY."

"WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FORTHE WHOLE RIOT THING ANYWAY?"

"BRADLEY, GATES, BUSH."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT THE MAYORDOES FOR HIS SEX LIFE.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW..."

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