Teenage Mutant Ninja Roommates
The guys go on the lam from a security guard in Montez's gated community.
- I'M A TEENAGE BEER WOLF!
[howling]
- WHOA.- OH!
- I'M DOWN. [howls]- BEER WOLF DOWN!
- WHO IS READY FOR A NIGHTAT THE MUSEUM OF TOLERANCE
OF ALCOHOL?I AM.
- OH, JILLIAN!
TURN THAT SONG UP!- OH!
- TURN THE BEAT UP.UH, UH, UH, UH, UH.
- YES!
- GUYS, NO! NO.SHE'S MY BABY.
- SHOOT THE WIPER FLUID!SHOOT THE WIPER FLUID!
- YEAH!- OH, OH!
- THAT'S COOL.YOU SEE EVERYONE'S TECHNIQUE.
- YES, THANK YOU.
- JILLIAN, GREAT IDEAFOR A PARTY.
YOU BROUGHTYOUR SCALP COLLECTION.
- UGH.- NO. NO, BLAKE.
THEY'RE MY COSTUMES.I'M TAKING AN IMPROV CLASS.
I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BETHE PERFECT PLACE
TO START AUDITIONINGSOME OF MY CHARACTERS.
- I SHOULD BE AN ACTOR.
A LOT OF PEOPLE SAYI LOOK LIKE MATT DAMON...
'S HIS UGLY YOUNGER BROTHER,
PHILIP--JUST MORE JOWLS.
- I CAN SEE THAT.
- A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'TKNOW ABOUT HIM.
- PEOPLE SAY I LOOKLIKE WEIRD AL SOMETIMES...
- YEAH?- LIKE, HIS SON.
- OH, WAIT.I FORGOT THE BEER.
- OH.[tires screech]
- OH!HEY, BUDDY.
- ARE YOU LOOKINGFOR MR. WALKER'S POOL PARTY?
- YEAH.- YEAH, WE'RE JUST GOING UP.
- RIGHT. IT'S GONNA BENEXT DOOR IN OUR COMMUNITY POOL.
- OOH. INTERESTING.- REALLY?
OH, HE'S A TRICKSTER.- OKAY.
- HE'S A TRICKSTER.- THANKS A LOT.
- HEY, GUYS,I NEED YOU TO BEHAVE YOURSELVES,
FOR REAL.
- AH.GOOD CALL.
I'LL THROW THIS ONE AWAYRIGHT NOW.
- YEAH.- THANK YOU.
- ROCK A JOCK,TEN-POINT SHOT!
- GET IT!- HEY, OH!
[glass shatters]- OH!
I AM SORRY ABOUT THAT.[chuckles]
DAN CORTESEWOULD'VE MADE THAT.
HE WOULD'VE MADE THAT ONE.- I HATE PUNKS.
- WAIT A MINUTE.COME ON!
- OW, OW![grunting]
OW!
- AH!- GOT HIM. YES!
- OKAY. GUESS WHOI VOTED FOR IN 2000.
BUSH.
O-OH.MY FAVORITE BAND?
PUBIC ENEMY.
[chuckles]
- GOTTA TELL YOU, TEZ,SOME SPREAD YOU GOT HERE.
- DUH.
- CAN I CROSS A LINE HEREAND JUST ASK HOW
YOU CAN AFFORD TO LIVEIN A PLACE LIKE THIS?
- IF YOU MUST KNOW,
COLLEEN GOT PROMOTEDTO PRINCIPAL
AT JOHN G. NEIHARDT ELEMENTARY.
- AHA!
- AND IT DON'T HURT THAT
ALICE GAVE ME A TWO-YEARPAY BUMP AT WORK.
- WHAT?- MM-HMM. [chuckles]
WAYMOND, GET OUT THIS POOLAND TAKE A SHOWER!
HOW MANY TIMESI GOTTA TELL YOU?
[shivering]
- LISTEN, I GOTTATELL YOU SOMETHING.
- IT'S COLD, DERS!- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
- CAN WE GET SOME OF YOUR FOOD?- GUYS, STOP. NO!
- LET ME GET A LITTLE BITEOF YOUR SANDWICH!
- THERE WAS WHOLE SPREAD!
YOU SHOULD'VE GOTTEN SOMEWHILE IT WAS HOT.
- NO WAY. THEN WE'D HAVE TOWAIT 30 MINUTES TO SWIM.
AND WE HAD TO DUNKSOME FOOLS, MAN.
- I DUNKED SO MANY FOOLS!- DID YOU? I'M SURE.
- WAYMOND ALMOST DROWNED!- YEAH, THAT WAS COOL.
- COOL. ALL RIGHT, WELL, ANYWAY,I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
LISTEN, I GUESS TEZJUST GOT A RAISE.
ALL RIGHT?
NOW, ALICE IS OVER THERE.SHE'S REAL DRUNK.
WE GO OVER THERE NOW,
MAYBE WE CAN GET A RAISE.YOU FEEL ME?
- AW, I FEEL YOU SO MUCH.
CAN I JUST DIP MY FINGERIN THE MAYONNAISE?
- LET ME JUSTGET YOUR PICKLE.
- TAKE THE PICKLE.- YEAH, I GOT A PICKLE!
- I DON'T LIKE VEGETABLES, SOTHAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER TO ME.
- UGH, THESE ARE THE NEON ONES.I HATE NEON PICKLES.
- ALICE!HEADING TO POUND TOWN, HUH?
- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERESUCH A PARTY BEAST.
YOU SHOULD COME, LIKE,RAGE WITH US
AT OUR--NAH.- YEP.
TWO YEARS OF SOBRIETY,GENTLEMEN.
- GOOD FOR YOU!- OH!
- TWO YEARS, GONE.[laughs]
- OH, IT'S A BAD THING.- YEAH.
- OH, YEAH.UGH.
- I SAW THIS HOUSEAND THIS AWESOME NEIGHBORHOOD,
AND I WAS LIKE...PBBT! SCREW IT.
- DRINK THE PAIN AWAY.GOOD CALL, GOOD CALL.
- ELBOW DROPFROM THE TOP ROPE, BITCHES!
- ALICE, I BELIEVEA WOMAN OF YOUR TALENTS
AND YOUR AMBITIONSDESERVES EVERYTHING
IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.
- WHAT AREYOUR WILDEST DREAMS, ALICE?
- TEZ TOLD ME YOU GAVE HIMA TWO-YEAR PAY BUMP,
SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE--- FINE.
- FINE.- WHOA.
- COOL, REALLY?- WOW.
- YEP, YOU GOT IT.- THAT WAS EASY.
- GIL, CAN I BUMA SMOKE, BABE?
- SO WE'LL STOP BYIN THE MORNING AT THE OFFICE
JUST TO IRON OUT THE DETAILS?
- YEAH,WORKS FOR ME!
- ALL RIGHT.SEE YOU THEN!
RAISES!- [laughs] ALL RIGHT!
- WE GOT RAISES!- YEAH!
- THAT WAS SO EASY.WE JUST GOT RAISES.
LET'S GO SMOKE WEEDABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
- GENTLEMEN, THIS HILL WAS BUILTFOR A SOAP-BOX-DERBY CAR.
- MM-HMM.- YEAH.
LET'S TWO-MAN DREAM-TEAMTHIS MUG.
LET ME GET IN THERE, BLAKE.- GET ON IN HERE.
- I LIKE THAT.
- OH, BUT ALL IT TAKESIS A GOLDEN TICKET.
YEAH, AND BY TICKET,I MEAN
X.L. LAP HOGLIMITED EDITION CONDOM.
I KNOW ONE OF YOU DUDESTOOK IT.
- I DON'T EVEN USE CONDOMS.
I WAS KICKED A LOTIN THE BALLS AS A CHILD,
IF YOU MUST KNOW.
- YEAH, AND YOU STOLEMY ERIC DRAVEN T-SHIRT,
SO YOU OWE ME.- ALL RIGHT.
SORRY, BOYS.BUT I'M BOMBING THIS JONAH HILL.
[laughs]YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT.- GET 'EM!
WHOO!GO BLAKE!
- PICKING UP SPEED!THERE WE GO, BABY!
- I AMTHE HUMAN MISSILE CRISIS!
- DUDE, I WISHI WAS ON THAT THING!
- OH, DAMN!
I FEEL LIKE A COORS LIGHT!
[rattling]
WHAT THE...?
AH!THE BRAKES!
- GO RIGHT!- THE BRAKES!
THE BRAKES!- DON'T GO THAT WAY!
- STOP![yells]
- OH!- OH, HE BROKE SOMETHING.
- [whispers]WAIT.
- LOOKS LIKE THE GATE'STHE ONLY WAY OUT.
- OH!I GOT AN IDEA.
WE CAN ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMASTHIS SITUATION!
- I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU MEAN, VERN.
- WE HOP IN THE BACKOF THE TRUCK,
AND WE RIDE IT OUT.
I THINK WE'RE PASSINGTHE FRONT GATE.
I FEEL THE FREEDOM!
- I THINK WE JUST PASSEDTHE OLD TRAIN YARD!
- [sniffs]YOU GUYS SMELL THAT?
HONEY-BAKED HAM.
WE'RE DOWNWINDFROM THAT TOGO'S BY OUR PLACE.
I'M SO HUNGRY.
- SHIB.
- [whispering]WHERE'S THE CLICKER?
- IT'S IN THE CAR.
IT'S LOCKED.
- I'M FREAKING OUT.
WE'RE IN A GARAGE,AND WE'RE NOT TOTALLY RAGING.
THAT IS WEIRD.- SHH!
- I FOUND THE WAY OUT.
- YOU'RE GONNA GO IN HIS HOUSE?
GUYS, WAIT.WIPE YOUR FEET.
THIS IS SOMEBODY'S HOME.
- HEY, LET'S GO THROUGH HERE.- LET'S GO THROUGH THE KITCHEN!
I'M SO HUNGRY.JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
- DUDE!
- WHO'S CALLING YOUIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
- MY SISTER, CATHY.YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY.
- REALLY?IT'S YOUR SISTER?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?
IS THAT EVERY TIMETHAT I PICK UP THE PHONE,
YOUR SISTER DOESN'T WANNA TALK.
- OH, PLEASE. WOULD YOU STOPWITH THE PARANOIA NOW?
- OH, MY GOSH.- WOW.
[gasps] NO WAY.CHECK IT OUT.
A ZZ TOP SHIRT.
- SHH. WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEADAND TAKE IT?
SAVE YOURSELF A TRIPTO THE "THRIFT STORE."
- DERS, COULD YOU BACK UPOFF MY BUSINESS, OKAY?
YOU'RE RIGHT UP IN MY--
- SHH!- AAH!
- [screeching quietly]
- YOU GUYS HERE TO [bleep]MARIA, TOO?
- NO, MAN.WE'RE JUST TRYING TO GET HOME.
- WAIT. WHO'S MARIA?
- DO YOU THINKSHE'D [bleep] US?
- I'VE NEVER BEEN ENOUGHFOR YOU, HAVE I, MARIA?
EVEN THOUGH I PUT YOUR DAUGHTERIN A TWO-BEDROOM IN MANHATTAN!
- OH! YOU USED TOCONSIDER HER OUR DAUGHTER.
- THIS IS WHY I NEVERSHOULD'VE MARRIED AN ITALIAN.
- OH, PLEASE.- SHH!
- HE CAN'T TALK TO HERLIKE THAT!
- SHH!- NO!
- I GOTTA DO IT!NO, NO. I GOTTA DO THIS!
YOU GOT SOME NERVE,
TALKING TO AN ITALIAN WOMANTHAT WAY, CAL.
- RANDALL?
YOU'RE [bleep] RANDALL?
- YES,I'M [bleep] RANDALL.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I NEED MORE RIGHT NOW, CAL.
- HELLO.- HEY.
- FOUR GUYS, MARIA?
IS THAT WHAT YOU NEEDTO SATISFY YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW WHOTHESE GUYS ARE.
- SO WHAT DO YOU NEED?
YOU NEED ME TO WATCH?
YOU WANT ME TO GET IN THEREWITH THOSE GUYS,
YOU KNOW, GET IN WITH IT?- NO!
- YOU WANT METO WATCH YOU BLOW THEM?
'CAUSE I WILL DO THAT.
- NO!- YOU WANT ME TO BLOW THEM?
I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.I'LL BLOW 'EM.
LET'S SEE YOUR DICKS.COME ON.
- UH...- I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.
- I'M TRYING TO SAVEMY MARRIAGE!
NOW GET YOUR DICKS OUT!
WAIT. HEY!
- WE KIND OF ARE.- WE KIND OF ARE.
YEAH, DEFINITELY.- I'M MICHELANGELO.
- YEAH, YOU DEFINITELYARE MICHELANGELO!
- PARTY, DUDE.- YES.
- I'M RAPHAEL. COOL BUT RUDE.- OH, NAILED IT.
- YEP,DEFINITELY RUDE.
- THAT'S A CHARACTER FLAW,BUT I'LL TAKE IT, YOU KNOW?
- HOW'S IT LOOK?
- WHOA, HOW'D YOU DO THAT?- YEAH.
- OH, I JUST CHEWED ITWITH MY, UH, VAMPIRE TEETH.
- REALLY?- OH, YEAH.
- WELL, LET'S SEE.
SO WE GOT OUR NICE MIKEOVER THERE.
WE GOT RUDE RAPH.- YEAH, RUDE RAPH.
- SO I GUESS, UH,
I'M LEONARDO,THE...L--
KATANA DUDE?
- NO.DEFINITELY NOT.
- NO,YOU'RE NOT LEONARDO.
DON'T COMPLIMENT YOURSELFSO MUCH.
- NICE TRY, THOUGH.
YOU'RE DEFINITELY DONATELLO.
OH, HE'S SO DONATELLO!
- OH,YOU'RE SO DONATELLO.
- DONATELLO'S, LIKE, A NERD.
AND LIKE, HE--HE'S LIKE A PARTY POOPER.
- YEAH.- THAT'S BASICALLY--
- THAT'S 100% WHO YOU ARE.
- IT'S ANDERS-TELLO.THAT'S YOU.
- OH, YEAH. ANDERS-TELLO.- YOU JUST DESCRIBED HIM.
- VERY GOOD. PLUS,YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A MASK.
SO HOW COULD YOU BEA NINJA TURTLE?
- WELL, YOU DIDN'TSTEAL ME A MASK!
- YOU COULD'VE STOLEYOURSELF A MASK, MAN.
- WHOA. ENTER DONATELLO,THE BUMMER DUDE.
JUST TAKE YOUR LITTLE COMPUTEROUT AND PLAY WITH IT, DONATELLO.
- MAYBE I WILL.- CHECK OUT SOME FACTS.
- FULL BAGEL BITE IN HERE.
- OH!- UGH!
THEY'RE HARD TO DIGEST,EVIDENTLY.
[opera music]
♪
- I CAN'T BE LEONARDO,
WHY DON'T I JUSTCOVER MY BODY IN HAIR
AND CALL MYSELF SPLINTER, HUH?HOW DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?- I KNEW IT!
- I'VE BEEN USING ITFOR WEEKS, BUDDY.
IT FEELS GREAT.SMELLS EVEN BETTER.
- I KNOW.YOUR HAIR SMELLS DELICIOUS,
AND I'VE NOTICED THAT.[snaps fingers]
AND I COULD TELLTHAT YOU WERE USING IT
'CAUSE YOU HAVE A BALD SPOT.- NO, I DON'T.
- YOU'VE SEEN HIS BALD SPOT.
- I JUST WANTED MY HAIR THICKERAND SMELLING BETTER.
- YOU'RE BALD,JUST LIKE DONATELLO.
- THEY'RE ALL BALD.
- NO, ACTUALLY,THEY ALL SHAVED THEIR HEADS
TO SUPPORT HIM WHILEHE WAS FIGHTING CANCER.
- THAT'S SO NICEOF THE OTHER DUDES,
SUPPORTING HIM WHILEHE HAS CANCER--
- YOU ARE GETTIN' SNOPESED!
- OH, SNOPES ME, DERS!PLEASE SNOPES ME.
- I GET NO BARS IN HERE.
- OH, YOUR MACHINE DOESN'T WORK,DOES IT, DONATELLO?
- YOU REALLY HAD TO STEALFROM ME, HUH, BRO?
- WHATEVER, MAN.
- YOU WANT SOME OF MY MONEY?IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
YOU WANT SOME OF MY MONEY?THERE'S A DOLLAR.
HERE ARE SOME ROCKS.THERE'S A NICKEL.
- AND A LIMITED EDITION
LAP HOGX.L. CONDOM!
ADAM, YOU BURGLED ME, DUDE?
- TOLD YOU.- I'M SORRY, BLAKE.
YOU DON'T NEED IT.I NEED IT.
GOD BLESSED/CURSED MEWITH A THIGH-SLAPPER,
AND I NEED AN X.L. CONDOMTO PACKAGE THE WHOLE THING.
- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.COME ON, MAN. I'VE SEEN IT.
IT'S NOT THAT BIG.- NO, YOU'RE--
- I WALK IN ON HIMJERKIN' OFF ALL THE TIME.
- IT IS THAT BIG.DEAL WITH IT.
I'VE GOT AN ED HELMS.- NEWS FLASH, EVERYBODY--
FRIENDS DO NOT STEALFROM OTHER FRIENDS.
THAT'S, LIKE,A BASIC RULE.
- I DIDN'T WANNA HAVETO DO THIS, BLAKE.
BUT TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
- EW, NO.- I SAW...
WHEN WE WERE CHICKEN FIGHTING,YOUR UNDERWEARS.
TAKE OFF YOUR PANTSRIGHT NOW!
- DON'T DO THIS.- TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.
- AND DON'T MAKE ME USEMY MUSCLES 'CAUSE I'LL USE 'EM.
- [sighs]
- YEP.THERE YOU GO.
- MY BREATHABLE MESH JOCKEYS?
- YEAH. HE STOLE YOUR UNDERWEAR.- DUDE!
- SO YOU'RE ALSO A THIEF.
POT CALLING THE KETTLE...UH...
- BLACK.- BLACK.
