- I'M A TEENAGE BEER WOLF!

[howling]

- WHOA.- OH!

- I'M DOWN. [howls]- BEER WOLF DOWN!

- WHO IS READY FOR A NIGHTAT THE MUSEUM OF TOLERANCE

OF ALCOHOL?I AM.

- OH, JILLIAN!

TURN THAT SONG UP!- OH!

- TURN THE BEAT UP.UH, UH, UH, UH, UH.

- YES!

- GUYS, NO! NO.SHE'S MY BABY.

- SHOOT THE WIPER FLUID!SHOOT THE WIPER FLUID!

- YEAH!- OH, OH!

- THAT'S COOL.YOU SEE EVERYONE'S TECHNIQUE.

- YES, THANK YOU.

- JILLIAN, GREAT IDEAFOR A PARTY.

YOU BROUGHTYOUR SCALP COLLECTION.

- UGH.- NO. NO, BLAKE.

THEY'RE MY COSTUMES.I'M TAKING AN IMPROV CLASS.

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BETHE PERFECT PLACE

TO START AUDITIONINGSOME OF MY CHARACTERS.

- I SHOULD BE AN ACTOR.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAYI LOOK LIKE MATT DAMON...

'S HIS UGLY YOUNGER BROTHER,

PHILIP--JUST MORE JOWLS.

- I CAN SEE THAT.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'TKNOW ABOUT HIM.

- PEOPLE SAY I LOOKLIKE WEIRD AL SOMETIMES...

- YEAH?- LIKE, HIS SON.

- OH, WAIT.I FORGOT THE BEER.

- OH.[tires screech]

- OH!HEY, BUDDY.

- ARE YOU LOOKINGFOR MR. WALKER'S POOL PARTY?

- YEAH.- YEAH, WE'RE JUST GOING UP.

- RIGHT. IT'S GONNA BENEXT DOOR IN OUR COMMUNITY POOL.

- OOH. INTERESTING.- REALLY?

OH, HE'S A TRICKSTER.- OKAY.

- HE'S A TRICKSTER.- THANKS A LOT.

- HEY, GUYS,I NEED YOU TO BEHAVE YOURSELVES,

FOR REAL.

- AH.GOOD CALL.

I'LL THROW THIS ONE AWAYRIGHT NOW.

- YEAH.- THANK YOU.

- ROCK A JOCK,TEN-POINT SHOT!

- GET IT!- HEY, OH!

[glass shatters]- OH!

I AM SORRY ABOUT THAT.[chuckles]

DAN CORTESEWOULD'VE MADE THAT.

HE WOULD'VE MADE THAT ONE.- I HATE PUNKS.

- WAIT A MINUTE.COME ON!

- OW, OW![grunting]

OW!

- AH!- GOT HIM. YES!

- OKAY. GUESS WHOI VOTED FOR IN 2000.

BUSH.

O-OH.MY FAVORITE BAND?

PUBIC ENEMY.

[chuckles]

- GOTTA TELL YOU, TEZ,SOME SPREAD YOU GOT HERE.

- DUH.

- CAN I CROSS A LINE HEREAND JUST ASK HOW

YOU CAN AFFORD TO LIVEIN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

- IF YOU MUST KNOW,

COLLEEN GOT PROMOTEDTO PRINCIPAL

AT JOHN G. NEIHARDT ELEMENTARY.

- AHA!

- AND IT DON'T HURT THAT

ALICE GAVE ME A TWO-YEARPAY BUMP AT WORK.

- WHAT?- MM-HMM. [chuckles]

WAYMOND, GET OUT THIS POOLAND TAKE A SHOWER!

HOW MANY TIMESI GOTTA TELL YOU?

[shivering]

- LISTEN, I GOTTATELL YOU SOMETHING.

- IT'S COLD, DERS!- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

- CAN WE GET SOME OF YOUR FOOD?- GUYS, STOP. NO!

- LET ME GET A LITTLE BITEOF YOUR SANDWICH!

- THERE WAS WHOLE SPREAD!

YOU SHOULD'VE GOTTEN SOMEWHILE IT WAS HOT.

- NO WAY. THEN WE'D HAVE TOWAIT 30 MINUTES TO SWIM.

AND WE HAD TO DUNKSOME FOOLS, MAN.

- I DUNKED SO MANY FOOLS!- DID YOU? I'M SURE.

- WAYMOND ALMOST DROWNED!- YEAH, THAT WAS COOL.

- COOL. ALL RIGHT, WELL, ANYWAY,I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LISTEN, I GUESS TEZJUST GOT A RAISE.

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, ALICE IS OVER THERE.SHE'S REAL DRUNK.

WE GO OVER THERE NOW,

MAYBE WE CAN GET A RAISE.YOU FEEL ME?

- AW, I FEEL YOU SO MUCH.

CAN I JUST DIP MY FINGERIN THE MAYONNAISE?

- LET ME JUSTGET YOUR PICKLE.

- TAKE THE PICKLE.- YEAH, I GOT A PICKLE!

- I DON'T LIKE VEGETABLES, SOTHAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER TO ME.

- UGH, THESE ARE THE NEON ONES.I HATE NEON PICKLES.

- ALICE!HEADING TO POUND TOWN, HUH?

- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERESUCH A PARTY BEAST.

YOU SHOULD COME, LIKE,RAGE WITH US

AT OUR--NAH.- YEP.

TWO YEARS OF SOBRIETY,GENTLEMEN.

- GOOD FOR YOU!- OH!

- TWO YEARS, GONE.[laughs]

- OH, IT'S A BAD THING.- YEAH.

- OH, YEAH.UGH.

- I SAW THIS HOUSEAND THIS AWESOME NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND I WAS LIKE...PBBT! SCREW IT.

- DRINK THE PAIN AWAY.GOOD CALL, GOOD CALL.

- ELBOW DROPFROM THE TOP ROPE, BITCHES!

- ALICE, I BELIEVEA WOMAN OF YOUR TALENTS

AND YOUR AMBITIONSDESERVES EVERYTHING

IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

- WHAT AREYOUR WILDEST DREAMS, ALICE?

- TEZ TOLD ME YOU GAVE HIMA TWO-YEAR PAY BUMP,

SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE--- FINE.

- FINE.- WHOA.

- COOL, REALLY?- WOW.

- YEP, YOU GOT IT.- THAT WAS EASY.

- GIL, CAN I BUMA SMOKE, BABE?

- SO WE'LL STOP BYIN THE MORNING AT THE OFFICE

JUST TO IRON OUT THE DETAILS?

- YEAH,WORKS FOR ME!

- ALL RIGHT.SEE YOU THEN!

RAISES!- [laughs] ALL RIGHT!

- WE GOT RAISES!- YEAH!

- THAT WAS SO EASY.WE JUST GOT RAISES.

LET'S GO SMOKE WEEDABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

- GENTLEMEN, THIS HILL WAS BUILTFOR A SOAP-BOX-DERBY CAR.

- MM-HMM.- YEAH.

LET'S TWO-MAN DREAM-TEAMTHIS MUG.

LET ME GET IN THERE, BLAKE.- GET ON IN HERE.

- I LIKE THAT.

- OH, BUT ALL IT TAKESIS A GOLDEN TICKET.

YEAH, AND BY TICKET,I MEAN

X.L. LAP HOGLIMITED EDITION CONDOM.

I KNOW ONE OF YOU DUDESTOOK IT.

- I DON'T EVEN USE CONDOMS.

I WAS KICKED A LOTIN THE BALLS AS A CHILD,

IF YOU MUST KNOW.

- YEAH, AND YOU STOLEMY ERIC DRAVEN T-SHIRT,

SO YOU OWE ME.- ALL RIGHT.

SORRY, BOYS.BUT I'M BOMBING THIS JONAH HILL.

[laughs]YEAH!

- ALL RIGHT.- GET 'EM!

WHOO!GO BLAKE!

- PICKING UP SPEED!THERE WE GO, BABY!

- I AMTHE HUMAN MISSILE CRISIS!

- DUDE, I WISHI WAS ON THAT THING!

- OH, DAMN!

I FEEL LIKE A COORS LIGHT!

[rattling]

WHAT THE...?

AH!THE BRAKES!

- GO RIGHT!- THE BRAKES!

THE BRAKES!- DON'T GO THAT WAY!

- STOP![yells]

- OH!- OH, HE BROKE SOMETHING.

- [whispers]WAIT.

- LOOKS LIKE THE GATE'STHE ONLY WAY OUT.

- OH!I GOT AN IDEA.

WE CAN ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMASTHIS SITUATION!

- I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU MEAN, VERN.

- WE HOP IN THE BACKOF THE TRUCK,

AND WE RIDE IT OUT.

I THINK WE'RE PASSINGTHE FRONT GATE.

I FEEL THE FREEDOM!

- I THINK WE JUST PASSEDTHE OLD TRAIN YARD!

- [sniffs]YOU GUYS SMELL THAT?

HONEY-BAKED HAM.

WE'RE DOWNWINDFROM THAT TOGO'S BY OUR PLACE.

I'M SO HUNGRY.

- SHIB.

- [whispering]WHERE'S THE CLICKER?

- IT'S IN THE CAR.

IT'S LOCKED.

- I'M FREAKING OUT.

WE'RE IN A GARAGE,AND WE'RE NOT TOTALLY RAGING.

THAT IS WEIRD.- SHH!

- I FOUND THE WAY OUT.

- YOU'RE GONNA GO IN HIS HOUSE?

GUYS, WAIT.WIPE YOUR FEET.

THIS IS SOMEBODY'S HOME.

- HEY, LET'S GO THROUGH HERE.- LET'S GO THROUGH THE KITCHEN!

I'M SO HUNGRY.JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.

- DUDE!

- WHO'S CALLING YOUIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

- MY SISTER, CATHY.YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY.

- REALLY?IT'S YOUR SISTER?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

IS THAT EVERY TIMETHAT I PICK UP THE PHONE,

YOUR SISTER DOESN'T WANNA TALK.

- OH, PLEASE. WOULD YOU STOPWITH THE PARANOIA NOW?

- OH, MY GOSH.- WOW.

[gasps] NO WAY.CHECK IT OUT.

A ZZ TOP SHIRT.

- SHH. WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEADAND TAKE IT?

SAVE YOURSELF A TRIPTO THE "THRIFT STORE."

- DERS, COULD YOU BACK UPOFF MY BUSINESS, OKAY?

YOU'RE RIGHT UP IN MY--

- SHH!- AAH!

- [screeching quietly]

- YOU GUYS HERE TO [bleep]MARIA, TOO?

- NO, MAN.WE'RE JUST TRYING TO GET HOME.

- WAIT. WHO'S MARIA?

- DO YOU THINKSHE'D [bleep] US?

- I'VE NEVER BEEN ENOUGHFOR YOU, HAVE I, MARIA?

EVEN THOUGH I PUT YOUR DAUGHTERIN A TWO-BEDROOM IN MANHATTAN!

- OH! YOU USED TOCONSIDER HER OUR DAUGHTER.

- THIS IS WHY I NEVERSHOULD'VE MARRIED AN ITALIAN.

- OH, PLEASE.- SHH!

- HE CAN'T TALK TO HERLIKE THAT!

- SHH!- NO!

- I GOTTA DO IT!NO, NO. I GOTTA DO THIS!

YOU GOT SOME NERVE,

TALKING TO AN ITALIAN WOMANTHAT WAY, CAL.

- RANDALL?

YOU'RE [bleep] RANDALL?

- YES,I'M [bleep] RANDALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEED MORE RIGHT NOW, CAL.

- HELLO.- HEY.

- FOUR GUYS, MARIA?

IS THAT WHAT YOU NEEDTO SATISFY YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW WHOTHESE GUYS ARE.

- SO WHAT DO YOU NEED?

YOU NEED ME TO WATCH?

YOU WANT ME TO GET IN THEREWITH THOSE GUYS,

YOU KNOW, GET IN WITH IT?- NO!

- YOU WANT METO WATCH YOU BLOW THEM?

'CAUSE I WILL DO THAT.

- NO!- YOU WANT ME TO BLOW THEM?

I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.I'LL BLOW 'EM.

LET'S SEE YOUR DICKS.COME ON.

- UH...- I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.

- I'M TRYING TO SAVEMY MARRIAGE!

NOW GET YOUR DICKS OUT!

WAIT. HEY!

- WE KIND OF ARE.- WE KIND OF ARE.

YEAH, DEFINITELY.- I'M MICHELANGELO.

- YEAH, YOU DEFINITELYARE MICHELANGELO!

- PARTY, DUDE.- YES.

- I'M RAPHAEL. COOL BUT RUDE.- OH, NAILED IT.

- YEP,DEFINITELY RUDE.

- THAT'S A CHARACTER FLAW,BUT I'LL TAKE IT, YOU KNOW?

- HOW'S IT LOOK?

- WHOA, HOW'D YOU DO THAT?- YEAH.

- OH, I JUST CHEWED ITWITH MY, UH, VAMPIRE TEETH.

- REALLY?- OH, YEAH.

- WELL, LET'S SEE.

SO WE GOT OUR NICE MIKEOVER THERE.

WE GOT RUDE RAPH.- YEAH, RUDE RAPH.

- SO I GUESS, UH,

I'M LEONARDO,THE...L--

KATANA DUDE?

- NO.DEFINITELY NOT.

- NO,YOU'RE NOT LEONARDO.

DON'T COMPLIMENT YOURSELFSO MUCH.

- NICE TRY, THOUGH.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY DONATELLO.

OH, HE'S SO DONATELLO!

- OH,YOU'RE SO DONATELLO.

- DONATELLO'S, LIKE, A NERD.

AND LIKE, HE--HE'S LIKE A PARTY POOPER.

- YEAH.- THAT'S BASICALLY--

- THAT'S 100% WHO YOU ARE.

- IT'S ANDERS-TELLO.THAT'S YOU.

- OH, YEAH. ANDERS-TELLO.- YOU JUST DESCRIBED HIM.

- VERY GOOD. PLUS,YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A MASK.

SO HOW COULD YOU BEA NINJA TURTLE?

- WELL, YOU DIDN'TSTEAL ME A MASK!

- YOU COULD'VE STOLEYOURSELF A MASK, MAN.

- WHOA. ENTER DONATELLO,THE BUMMER DUDE.

JUST TAKE YOUR LITTLE COMPUTEROUT AND PLAY WITH IT, DONATELLO.

- MAYBE I WILL.- CHECK OUT SOME FACTS.

- FULL BAGEL BITE IN HERE.

- OH!- UGH!

THEY'RE HARD TO DIGEST,EVIDENTLY.

[opera music]

♪

- I CAN'T BE LEONARDO,

WHY DON'T I JUSTCOVER MY BODY IN HAIR

AND CALL MYSELF SPLINTER, HUH?HOW DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?- I KNEW IT!

- I'VE BEEN USING ITFOR WEEKS, BUDDY.

IT FEELS GREAT.SMELLS EVEN BETTER.

- I KNOW.YOUR HAIR SMELLS DELICIOUS,

AND I'VE NOTICED THAT.[snaps fingers]

AND I COULD TELLTHAT YOU WERE USING IT

'CAUSE YOU HAVE A BALD SPOT.- NO, I DON'T.

- YOU'VE SEEN HIS BALD SPOT.

- I JUST WANTED MY HAIR THICKERAND SMELLING BETTER.

- YOU'RE BALD,JUST LIKE DONATELLO.

- THEY'RE ALL BALD.

- NO, ACTUALLY,THEY ALL SHAVED THEIR HEADS

TO SUPPORT HIM WHILEHE WAS FIGHTING CANCER.

- THAT'S SO NICEOF THE OTHER DUDES,

SUPPORTING HIM WHILEHE HAS CANCER--

- YOU ARE GETTIN' SNOPESED!

- OH, SNOPES ME, DERS!PLEASE SNOPES ME.

- I GET NO BARS IN HERE.

- OH, YOUR MACHINE DOESN'T WORK,DOES IT, DONATELLO?

- YOU REALLY HAD TO STEALFROM ME, HUH, BRO?

- WHATEVER, MAN.

- YOU WANT SOME OF MY MONEY?IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

YOU WANT SOME OF MY MONEY?THERE'S A DOLLAR.

HERE ARE SOME ROCKS.THERE'S A NICKEL.

- AND A LIMITED EDITION

LAP HOGX.L. CONDOM!

ADAM, YOU BURGLED ME, DUDE?

- TOLD YOU.- I'M SORRY, BLAKE.

YOU DON'T NEED IT.I NEED IT.

GOD BLESSED/CURSED MEWITH A THIGH-SLAPPER,

AND I NEED AN X.L. CONDOMTO PACKAGE THE WHOLE THING.

- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.COME ON, MAN. I'VE SEEN IT.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG.- NO, YOU'RE--

- I WALK IN ON HIMJERKIN' OFF ALL THE TIME.

- IT IS THAT BIG.DEAL WITH IT.

I'VE GOT AN ED HELMS.- NEWS FLASH, EVERYBODY--

FRIENDS DO NOT STEALFROM OTHER FRIENDS.

THAT'S, LIKE,A BASIC RULE.

- I DIDN'T WANNA HAVETO DO THIS, BLAKE.

BUT TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

- EW, NO.- I SAW...

WHEN WE WERE CHICKEN FIGHTING,YOUR UNDERWEARS.

TAKE OFF YOUR PANTSRIGHT NOW!

- DON'T DO THIS.- TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.

- AND DON'T MAKE ME USEMY MUSCLES 'CAUSE I'LL USE 'EM.

- [sighs]

- YEP.THERE YOU GO.

- MY BREATHABLE MESH JOCKEYS?

- YEAH. HE STOLE YOUR UNDERWEAR.- DUDE!

- SO YOU'RE ALSO A THIEF.

POT CALLING THE KETTLE...UH...

- BLACK.- BLACK.