C.J. Sullivan & Reggie Watts

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 12/04/2012

C.J. Sullivan watches too much television, and Reggie Watts sings about physical media.

THIS IS A FRATERNITY BROTHERWHO'S GIVING A EULOGY

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

[whines]

MELISSA WAS REALLY COOL.[whimpers]

SHE WAS REALLY AWESOMEAND SUPER-NICE. [sobs]

THE COOL THINGABOUT MELISSA WAS,

SHE ALWAYS SAIDTHAT SOCIETY TRIED TO PUT US

IN OUR RESPECTIVE BOXES...[sobs]

BUT MELISSA ALWAYS SAID HER BOXWAS BIG ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY.

[sobs]

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

UH, THIS IS A DEMON WHO'SDEFENDING HIS NETFLIX QUEUE.

- NO, I'M TELLING YOU,

JUST BECAUSETHEY HAVE THE SAME ACTORS,

YOU'VE GOT MAIL ISA COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE

THAN SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE.

YOU JUST KEEPFLAYING THE SKIN OF THOSE

THAT SINNED BEFORE THEIR DEATHAND LEAVE ME ALONE.

I WATCH WHAT I WANT,

AND NOW, WITH NETFLIX INSTANT,I WATCH IT WHEN I WANT.

THIS IS A GIRL WHO HASSERIOUS RELATIONSHIP ISSUES,

BUT SHE ONLY EXPRESSES THEMWHEN SHE'S TALKING TO BABIES.

WHOA, WHAT A CUTIE, HUH?HOW OLD? EIGHT MONTHS?

[baby talk]

WHAT A HANDSOME BOY,HUH?

HANDSOME BOY, YEAH.

YOU'RE GONNA GROW UPTO BE A REAL LADY-KILLER, HUH?

JUST [bleep] 'EMAND LEAVE 'EM, HUH?

JUST RAW DOGAND DON'T LEAVE A NUMBER.

I LIKE HIS BONNET.

RAPPERS HAVE BEENRAPPING A LOT LATELY,

PRIMARILY IN THEIR RAPS,

ABOUT HOW THEY LIKE A WOMANWITH A COKE BOTTLE FRAME.

♪ MM! I LIKEA COKE BOTTLE FRAME ♪

♪ [grunts] GIMME THATCOKE BOTTLE FRAME ♪

AND I'M OPEN-MINDED,SO I DID SOME THINKING ON IT,

AND I DECIDEDTHAT I, TOO,

ENJOY A WOMANWITH A COKE BOTTLE FRAME.

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT,

NO ARMS,NO SEPARATED LEGS,

JUST A FAT BASEAT THE BOTTOM,

HEADLESS WITH A HOLLOW NECK ANDBODY, FILLED WITH CORN SYRUP.

RETURN HER IN MICHIGAN,AND YOU GET FIVE CENTS.

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYINGTO SAY IS THAT

I THINK HIP-HOP MUSICSOMETIMES CAN BE--

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THEREARE ANY LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE

THAT AGREE WITH ME,BUT IT CAN BE

A LITTLE BIT OBJECTIFYINGSOMETIMES, AM I RIGHT?

[women cheering]

SHUT UP, BITCHES.THE MEN ARE TALKIN'.

I MEAN, I'M A JERK.I LOVE JERKS.

MY NEW FAVORITE JERK IS THE GUYWHO GIVES SOMEONE [bleep]

FOR HAVING A TATTOO.HE'S A GOOD GUY.

I MEAN, EVERYONE'SGOT A TATTOO NOW.

LIKE,BOY BANDS HAVE TATTOOS.

THIS GUY'S GIVING THIS GIRL[bleep] FOR HAVING A TATTOO.

HE'S LIKE, UH,"YEAH, THAT'S A NICE TATTOO,

BUT, UH, WHAT'S IT GONNALOOK LIKE WHEN YOU'RE 90?

HMM?YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?

WHAT'S IT GONNA LOOK LIKEWHEN YOU'RE 95? [chuckles]

I DON'T KNOW.

HOW'S ANYTHING LOOK ON YOUWHEN YOU'RE 90?

PANTS DON'T LOOK GOODWHEN YOU'RE 90.

I'M SURE THE FADED CHINESELETTER FOR ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH

ON HER BACK'S NOT GONNA[bleep] UP HER DATING SCENE

WHEN SHE'S 92.

NICE BATCH OF COOKIESAND TOOTHLESS BLOW JOB

WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT.AM I RIGHT, 90-YEAR-OLDS?

I'M GONNA WAIT TILL I'M 90TO GET MY TATTOO.

JUST SOIT'S THE BEST THING ON ME.

AH-HA!YOU SEE THAT?

SAYS "JA RULE"RIGHT THERE.

EH, HE WAS, LIKE,A RAPPER 60 YEARS AGO.

I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE HIMTHEN EITHER, BUT--

LISTEN TO THE OLDIES A LOT,YOU KNOW? HE'S PRETTY GOOD.

- [sighs]

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULDSEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

- [sobs]

[electronic musicwith robotic sex noises]

[robotic grunting]

- I GET IT. UGH.

- TRIED TO PAYWITH A CREDIT CARD

AT A HAUNTED HOUSERECENTLY.

SHE WOULDN'T LET ME,'CAUSE SHE ASKED FOR I.D.,

AND I DIDN'T HAVE THE I.D.

AND I SAID, "HEY,CAN YOU JUST TRUST ME?

"I BROUGHTALL MY FRIENDS,

"WE WANT TO GOTO THE HAUNTED HOUSE,

I PROMISE YOUTHIS IS MY CREDIT CARD."

SHE GOES, "SORRY,NO CREDIT CARD, NO I.D."

WHICH DIDN'TMAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

IN FACT, THAT WAS THE EXACTOPPOSITE OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

I DIDN'T WANT TOTELL HER THAT, YOU KNOW.

SO SHE MADE US LEAVE,AND I TURNED AROUND AT THE END,

I GO, "LET ME JUSTGET THIS STRAIGHT,

"YOU WON'T LET ME AND MY FRIENDSPAY TO GO INTO A HAUNTED HOUSE

"BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE I.D.FOR A CREDIT CARD

"THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED I STOLE,AND HEADED STRAIGHT

"TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE.

"I JUST FOUND A CREDIT CARD,AND I WAS LIKE,

"'YEAH, FREE MONEY.WHAT DO WE DO?

"'LET'S GET SCAREDFOR 25 MINUTES.'

I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER,"AND SHE GOES,

"SORRY,THERE'S NO ONE ELSE HERE."

I WAS LIKE, "WELL,THEN I DIDN'T WANT TO GO

"TO YOUR HAUNTED HOUSEANYWAY.

THAT SOUNDS LIKETHE WORST HAUNTED HOUSE EVER."

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THERE?

WHAT, IS SHE LIKE,"HERE'S YOUR CHANGE,

"NOW JUSTHOLD ON A SECOND.

"COME ON BA-ACK.

"AH!

"WAIT JUST ONE MOMENT HERE.

[evil cackle]"

SEEMS TERRIBLE.

- IT'S NOT MINE!IT'S NOT MINE!

- YEAH, I BET.

- WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

MMM.

MMM.

- WHAT YOU GOT THERE,NEIL?

- WE GOT THE REAL DEAL,BABY.

- YEAH, IT'S ALL COCAINE--I MEAN, I-I DON'T KNOW.

- WE SHOULD HEAD DOWNTOWN, NEIL.- UH, MMM, MMM, MMM.

- YUP, STARTIN' TO MAKEMY LIPS NUMB A LITTLE BIT,

YOU FEEL IT TINGLE.THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S REAL.

[motorboat sounds]MMM, JOHNNY!

YOU GUYS GOTTA TRY THIS STUFF.HAD YOU HAD THIS?

YOU GOTTA TRY THIS, MAN.GET UP IN THAT.

- I'LL GET IN THERE.- COME ON, DON'T BE SHY.

[police radio static]- 5597. WE EATIN' COCAINE.

- EATIN' COCAINE, MAN.- THERE'S NO CODE FOR THAT.

HEY, HELP ME WITH THESE DISHES.

[slow hip-hop beat]

[bass part added]

♪ OH, I

♪ WHOA-OAMY, MY, MY, MY, MY ♪

♪ WHOA-OA-OA, OW

♪ EH, EH, OOH,OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ AH, OH, OH, OH

♪ EE, EE, AH, OH, OH

♪ EH, EH, AI, AI, OH

♪ EH, EH, AI, AI,OH, OH, OH, OH, YOO ♪

♪ YOO, EH, EE, EH, EE, AI, OH

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, YOO, YOOOOH, OOH, OOH-OOH ♪

♪ SOMETIMES "Y"

♪ ME DON' KNOW, ME NO KNOW WHY,BUT SOMETIMES "Y" ♪

♪ WE WANNA BUY SOME CDsAND BREAK THE JEWEL CASE ♪

♪ AND HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER LIDOFF AN OLDER ONE ♪

♪ WHOA-OH

♪ PHYSICAL MEDIA IS FUN

♪ WHOA-OHTRADE SOME FILES ♪

♪ FORGOTTHAT YOU DOWNLOADED THEM ♪

♪ AND YOU CAN'T FINDWHAT YOU DOWNLOADED YESTERDAY ♪

♪ BUT MAYBETWO YEARS FROM NOW ♪

♪ ON YOUR THIRD HARD DRIVEYOU WILL FIND ♪

♪ WHAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINKYOU COULD BUY ♪

♪ WHOA-OH

♪ PHYSICAL MEDIA

♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ PHYSICAL-LESS MEDIA

♪ EITHER WAY,YOU'RE GONNA GET [bleep] ♪

OKAY, SO...

[cheers and applause]

[English accent]THANK YOU.

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