Tuesday, May 13, 2014

  • Season 1, Ep 01064
  • 05/13/2014

Mike Phirman, "Weird Al" Yankovic and Mamrie Hart write Carfax reports for the Batmobile, list #NaughtyComicBooks and watch bizarre Eurovision performances.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

>> Chris: HERE IS A BULLETINFROM CBS NEWS IN DALLAS, TEXAS.

IT SEEMS SOLANGE KNOWLES HAS --

DELETED PICTURES OF BEYONCE OFFHER INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.

THIS KNOWLES FAMILY FEUDIS JUST GETTIN' STARTED.

GAWKERS SAY SOLANGE HIT JAY-ZAFTER HE DITCHED BEYONCE TO GO

TO RIHANNA'S PARTY. IRONICALLY.SOLANGE THEN DELTED PHOTOS OF

SOLANGE THEN DELTED PHOTOS OF BEYONCE FROM HER INSTAGRAM

THEN INSTAGRAMERS TROLLED THEHELL OUT OF THIS PICTURE.

WHAT IS A REAL COMMENT ON THISFOLLOWING PHOTO:

A, BEYONCE'S ASS IS MORE FAMOUSTHAN SOLANGE'S FACE.

>> Chris: THEY'RE CALLING FORTHE CANCELLATION OF A PERSON.

IS IT B, FIX IT JESUS!

IS IT C, BEYONCE IS DESTINY'SCHILD, U DESTINY'S ACCIDENT.

>> Chris: WELL, I BELIEVEEVERYTHING IS IN ORDER HERE.

YES, MAMRIE.

>> C, BUT TO BE FAIR, MY MEMAWHAD BEEN DRINKING.

>> Chris: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS,B, FIX IT JESUS.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT THIS FOREVER.

BECAUSE PICTURES OF THE NEW BATMOBILE'S ASSCRACK WERE LEAKED ON

TWITTER YESTERDAY.

DIRECTOR ZACH SNYDER THENDROPPED A BAT-DICK PIC HERE.

DOWN IN FRONT, AFFLECK.

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE BAT MOBILETHERE.

COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE TO YOUGIVE ME A LINE FROM THE

BATMOBILE'S CARFAX REPORT.

>> IT DOESN'T GET THE MILEAGEYOU DESERVE,

IT GETS THE MILEAGE YOU NEED.

>> Chris: I LIKE IT.

WEIRD AL.

>> EXCELLENT MILEAGE, ONE YEARLEFT ON WARRANTY.

MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED WHEN IWAS A CHILD!

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: NOT ONLY AM I GIVINGYOU POINTS FOR THAT, BUT

LITERALLY EVERYTHING BATMAN DOESCAN HAVE THAT.

MAMRIE HART.

>> WARNING THERE IS A SEALEDKISS FROM A ROSE CD STUCK IN THE

CD PLAYER --

>> CAUSING DRIVER TO ALWAYS BEHORNY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

EARLIER IN THE SHOW WE SHOWEDYOU THIS SEXY NEW BAT MOBILE.

BUT NEWS ALSO BROKE THATCHANNING TATUM WILL BE PLAYING

GAMBIT IN THE NEW X-MEN MOVIE.

WE SEEM TO DECIDEDLYGENDER-MIXED ON THAT BEING OKAY.

IT LOOKS LIKE COMIC BOOKS AREGETTING STEAMY.

NO TONIGHT'S HASHTAG ISIS #NAUGHTYCOMICBOOKS.

SHUT UP. YOU DON'T KNOW WHATTHAT IS YET.

I JUST GET MAD AT THEAUDIENCE.

SHUT UP!

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, AIDS.

ALRIGHT.

EXAMPLES WOULD BE "SUPERMAN ONMAN," OR "X-MEN IN TIGHTS," OR

"300, 1 CUP."

>> SPARTA!

>> Chris: I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK, AND GO.

>> JUST ASSLEAGUE.>> YES, POINTS.

>> THE GREEN THROBBIN'>> YES.

>> THE FANTASTIC FOURPLAY.

>> RIBBED FOR HER-CULES PLEASURE>> YES, POINTS.

>> THE APOLOGIZING FLASH.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SO SORRY, THIS NEVER

HAPPENED.

SO SORRY.

SO SORRY.

>> SCAT WOMAN.

SORRY, SORRY.

>> SOMEBODY'S FILLED UP THE CATBOX AGAIN.

>> I'M SORRY, I JUST DID THAT.POINTS.

Chris: MIKE.

>> DR. [BEEP]BLOCK-TOPUS.

Chris: OH, TOTALLY DO THAT.POINTS. AL/

>> BATMAN VERSUS THE DIDDLER.

Chris: THE CAN I WATCH MEN.

GIVE HER POINTS.

>> THOR FROM LATH NIGHT.

[LAUGHING]

I'M NOT WITH THE BAND.

>> Chris: NOW, AL, YOU CAN BACKME UP ON THIS.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT IN THEMUSIC BIZ, YOU HAVE TO HAVE A

BAD ASS IMAGE, AM I RIGHT?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

Chris: WELL, UNFORTUNATELY --

"ABSOLUTELY" ISN'T IN THE BADASSVOCABULARY ANYWHERE.

>> YOU BETCHA.

>> ABSOTIVELY.

Chris: UNFORUNTELY FOR THEBANDS ON THE THE WORST IMAGE

EVER LIST, THEIR ARE MOREBAD AND ASSY.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PHOTOAND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

WHAT YOU THINK THE BAND'S NAMESHOULD BE.

IF YOU GET THE DELVE HORNS ANDMAKE US LAUGH YOU GET THE

POINTS.

THEIR NAME IS KREAPR. WHATSHOULD THAT BE? AL.

>> SYSTEM OF A DOWN SYNDROME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> AL, AL THAT WAS SLIPKNOT VERYPPROPRIATE.

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THE ASSISTON THAT.

THESE GUYS IN SPANDEX ARE CALLEDSHOTGUN MESSIAH.

BEFORE YOU JUDGE, THEY WERE BORNTHIS WAY.

YES, WHAT'S THE NAME OF THISBAND, MAMRIE.

>> TWISTED FISTER.

Chris: OF COURSE, THAT IS THEPERFECT NAME FOR THE BAND.

>> Chris: THEIR SONG IS "WE AREGONNA TAKE IT"

"YES WE ARE GONNA TAKE IT."

>> THE NEXT ONE.

THESE GUYS ARE CALLED FORSAKEENNEED.

WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THEM?

>> SLAYER OF CHORES.

EUROPE BE CRAZY.

I THINK SO YES.

>> Chris: THE EUROVISION SONGCONTEST ENDED THIS WEEK AND

CONCHITA WURST TURNED OUT TO BETHE BEST.

♪[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: WOW!

GREAT PYROTECHNICS, HUH.

SO, THAT'S WHAT KATY PERRY ANDRUSSELL BRAND'S BABY WOULD HAVE

LOOKED LIKE IF THEY STUCK ITOUT.

[ APPLAUSE ]POINTS.

COMEDIANS, I'LL GIVE YOU A TITLEOF A SONG AT EUROVISION'S

GLAMOROUS PAST, AND YOU TELLME WHAT HAPPENS IN THE VIDEO.

>> Chris: FIRST DO AZTECWARRIORS DANCE WITH A TURKEY

PUPPET OR DO THINGS EMERGE FROMTHE BELLY OF A WHALE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCH THIS ASTHEY'RE DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP.

THIS IS GOING TO INFUSE SOMEWEIR [BLEEP] IN PEOPLE'S DREAMS.

>> AZTEC WARRIOR.

Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

I HOPE IT'S RIGHT♪ THE FUNKY BEAT

>> THAT IT?

>> YA.

Chris: I THINK THAT'S IT.

NO WHALE.

>> DID I WIN?

I THINK SO.

>> BARRELLY.

>> WHAT I LOVE IS IT'S JUSTDUSTIN THE TURKEY. LIKE OLD

FRIENDS FROM ELEMENTARY SCHOOLDUSTIN IN THE TURKEY.

>> Chris: AND I WANT TO BE YOURNEXT SENATOR.

>> YOU WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING TOPULL YOU IN.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE, HARD ROCKHALLELUJAH.

JESUS SHREDS ON A GUITAR, ORZOMBIE WEARING FINNISH FLAG HAT.

>> I'M GOING WITH ZOMBIE.

Chris: LET'S SEE ZOMBIE!

THERE YOU ARE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> I WANT TO HEAR THEM FINISH.

THEY ARE FINNISH!

>> I KNOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: POINTS.

THINK OUTSIDE THE INBOX.

THINK OUTSIDE THE INBOX.

>> OKAY.

Chris: THERE IS NOTHING WORSTTHAN A IN BOX FULL OF JUNK MAILS

AND E MAILS EXPECT FOR DISEASE,POVERTY AND ALL THAT STUFF.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DELETEE-MAILS YOU DON'T WANT IN YOUR

INBOX BASED ON THE SUBJECTHEADING ALONE.

I WOULD LIKE TO YOU GIVE ME ASMANY E-MAIL SUBJECT LINES YOU

DON'T WANT TO RECEIVE IN THEINBOX.

>> YOU GUYS READY?>> YEAH!

Chris: MAMRIE.

>> IT'S YOURS AFTER ALL.

Chris: PHIRMAN.

>> ANNE COLTER FAVORITED YOURTWEET.

>> Chris: AL.

>> GUESS WHO HAS FLESH EATINGBACTERIA.

>> Chris: MAMRIE.

>> THIS IS YOUR FUTURE SELF.

THINGS HAVE GONE TERRIBLY WRONG.

>> Chris: AL.

>> YOUR FATHER'S COLONOSCOPYREPORT.

>> Chris: MAMRIE.

>> PLEASE DONATE TO MY FERTILITYKICKSTARTER.

>> Chris: POINTS. PHIRMAN.

>> DO YOU HAVE SOME UNDERWEAR ICAN BORROW?

>> Chris: MAMRIE.

>> YOUR MOM HAS SENT YOU A GIFTFROM LUBE OF THE MONTH CLUB.

>> Chris: A DIFFERENT LUBE EVERYMONTH. WOW.

I CAN'T WAIT TO LOOK AT THESE 12LUBES.

Loading...