DeRosa, Whang, Tolk, Watkins

  • Season 9, Ep 911
  • 02/10/2006

Joe DeRosa's uncle fails at gay slang, Suzanne Whang reveals her alter ego, Prescott Tolk describes being a mediocre lover, and Royale Watkins can't figure out his wife's age.

AND I'M REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ACQUITTED.

- [LAUGHTER] - I'M SERIOUS.

Y'ALL BET-- YOU KNOW WHAT,

BLACK PEOPLE REALLY BETTER BE HAPPY THAT HE GOT OFF,

BECAUSE IF THEY COULD'VE TOOK MICHAEL OUT,

THEY COULD TAKE ANY ONE OF US OUT.

AND YOU KNOW I HATEDTO HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "HE DID IT."

THEY SAY IT WITH SUCH CONVICTION.

YOU KNOW? "HE DID IT." "HOW YOU KNOW HE DID IT?"

"BECAUSE CAN'T NO 46-YEAR-OLD MAN BE AROUND NO 12-YEAR-OLD LITTLE BOYS

"LIKE THAT WITHOUT FEELIN' SOMETHING.

"IT JUST AIN'T NATURALTO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM

"WITH THAT PREPUBESCENT SMELLTHAT COME UP OFF OF 'EM

"AND THE WAY THEY LITTLE BUTTOCKS SHAKE

AS YOU CHASE AFTER 'EM, MAN.IT JUST AIN'T NATURAL."

[LAUGHTER]

I FELT BAD FOR MIKE, 'CAUSE HE WAS UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE.

PEOPLE JUST DIDN'T CARE.

HE WAS FIGHTIN' FOR HIS FAMILY,FOR HIS CAREER, FOR HIS FREEDOM.

YOU KNOW THEY TOOK THAT BROTHER'S WALK. YOU KNOW?

'MEMBER WHO COOL MIKE WALKED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE TRIAL?

HE CAME IN AND HE WAS LIKE,

"I KNOW I'M INNOCENTAND I'M GONNA BEAT THIS.

GO AHEAD. FRISK ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN LIKE TWO MONTHS INTO THAT TRIAL

THEY START PULLIN' OUT THEM LITTLE BOOKS.

HE WAS WALKIN'LIKE AN OLD MAN.

"HEY, MICHAEL. WE LOVE YOU." "HEE HEE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE IS ATAMPON COMMERCIAL ON TV.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN IT.

IT'S A GUY AND A GIRLIN A ROWBOAT ON A DATE.

- [LAUGHTER] - OH, GOOD.

SOME OF YOU HAVE SEEN IT. GOOD.BOAT SPRINGS A LEAK. THEY PANIC.

GIRL GOES, "DON'T WORRY." PUTS A TAMPON IN THE HOLE.

LADIES, LISTEN TO ME CLEARLY,

IF YOU'VE GOT A SITUATION GOING ON

WHERE YOU NEED SOMETHINGTHAT CAN STOP THE LEAK

ON A FRIGGING BOAT, THE DATE IS OVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE GOING ON DOWN THERE,

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT

BECAUSE I CAN'T SWIM. SO THAT'S A...

GIRLS, GET THE TAMPON COMMERCIALS OFF TV, PLEASE.

YOU DON'T NEED THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT THE PRODUCT IS.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO BUY IT. YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES. OKAY?

THERE'S NO GIRL IN THIS ROOM THAT FREAKS ON ONCE A MONTH

LIKE, "OH MY GOD. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

"PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO BUY FOR THIS PLEASE.

- OH MY GOD!" - [LAUGHTER]

I'M NEVER GETTIN' MARRIED. THAT'S FINE.

MARRIED PEOPLE IN THEAUDIENCE, DO ME A FAVOR.

STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS, OKAY?

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW.YOU HAVE YOUR SEX RIGHTTHERE IN THE HOUSE.

YOU CAN DO DUMB CORNY STUFF THATWE CAN'T AFFORD TO DO. OKAY?

MY MARRIED FRIENDS HAVE THEME PARTIES.

AND THEY WANT ME, A SINGLE GUY, TO COME AND HANG OUT.

"DUDE, COME OVER ON SATURDAY. WE'RE HAVIN' A PIRATE PARTY.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DRESS UP LIKE PIRATES. DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

I'M GETTIN' LAIDAT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

BUT I WANNA WATCH YOU TRY TO SCORE

WITH A PEG LEG AND AN EYE PATCH ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'LL BE AT HOME PRETENDING TO BE GAY FOR THE NIGHT.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME."

ALL THE OLD MENIN MY FAMILY ARE CRAZY.

I HAVE THIS UNCLE VINCE.HE'S 85-YEARS-OLD.

AND I LOVE WHEN HE TRIES TO TELL ME SOMEBODY'S GAY.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING EVER. 'CAUSE OLD MEN HAVE NEVER HEARD

THE WORD GAY BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES.

THEY ALL USE THESE COLORFUL ELABORATE EXPRESSIONS TO DESCRIBE GAY PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY IN THE PINK CUTOFFS OVER HERE.

"I THINK HE EATS PINK MARSHMALLOWS FOR BREAKFAST,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

"DUDE, WHAT THE [BLEEP]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"HE FIXES HIS CAR WITH A PURPLE WRENCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

"NO, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

"HE'S GOT A BANANA IN HIS TAILPIPE.

- WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S OLD, OLD AND CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE'S THE THING.

I THINK THEY SHOULD SEND ALL THE OLD PEOPLE TO WAR.

I DO. THEY DID EVERYTHING ALREADY.

WHY AM I GOIN' OVER INTO THE HELLFIRE?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET.

OLD PEOPLE AREN'T SCARED OF WAR. YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH CREEPY STUFF

MEDICALLY ALREADY THAT'S WHY.

HOW SCARY IS A BULLETTO MY UNCLE, ONCE AGAIN,

NOT AT ALL. YOU KNOW WHY?

I SAW HIM TAKE AN 11-INCH CATHETER THE HARD WAY. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

HOW SCARY IS A BULLET AT THAT POINT REALLY?

"A BULLET? YOU'RE GONNASTICK IT IN MY PENIS?

NO? THEN SHOOT ME. I DON'T GIVE A CRAP.

- HOW BAD COULD IT BE?" - [WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF ANYBODY DIED, YOU FINALLY HAVE A GOOD STORY ABOUT YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

I'M TIRED OF EVERYBODY TELLIN' THE SAME BORING ASS STORIES

ABOUT HOW THEIR GRANDPARENTS DIED.

"OH, MY NANA HAD A STROKE." "MY NANA HAD CANCER."

YEAH, DUDE. WE LOST NANA IN IRAQ. ALL RIGHT? TOP THAT?"

"MY GRANDDAD WAS A KAMIKAZE.

"HE RODE A WHEELCHAIR STRAIGHT INTO A TANK.

THERE WAS PRUNES AND EPSON SALT ALL OVER THE BATTLEFIELD."

BEAT THAT WITH YOUR PUSSY ASS STROKE."

I GOTTA GO GUYS.THANKS A LOT. GOODNIGHT.