Premium Blend
Season 9

DeRosa, Whang, Tolk, Watkins

  • Season 9, Ep 911
  • 02/10/2006

Damon Wayans stars in Premium Blend featuring Joe DeRosa, Suzanne Whang, Prescott Tolk, & Royale Watkins.

AND I'M REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ACQUITTED.

- [LAUGHTER] - I'M SERIOUS.

Y'ALL BET-- YOU KNOW WHAT,

BLACK PEOPLE REALLY BETTER BE HAPPY THAT HE GOT OFF,

BECAUSE IF THEY COULD'VE TOOK MICHAEL OUT,

THEY COULD TAKE ANY ONE OF US OUT.

AND YOU KNOW I HATEDTO HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "HE DID IT."

THEY SAY IT WITH SUCH CONVICTION.

YOU KNOW? "HE DID IT." "HOW YOU KNOW HE DID IT?"

"BECAUSE CAN'T NO 46-YEAR-OLD MAN BE AROUND NO 12-YEAR-OLD LITTLE BOYS

"LIKE THAT WITHOUT FEELIN' SOMETHING.

"IT JUST AIN'T NATURALTO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM

"WITH THAT PREPUBESCENT SMELLTHAT COME UP OFF OF 'EM

"AND THE WAY THEY LITTLE BUTTOCKS SHAKE

AS YOU CHASE AFTER 'EM, MAN.IT JUST AIN'T NATURAL."

[LAUGHTER]

I FELT BAD FOR MIKE, 'CAUSE HE WAS UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE.

PEOPLE JUST DIDN'T CARE.

HE WAS FIGHTIN' FOR HIS FAMILY,FOR HIS CAREER, FOR HIS FREEDOM.

YOU KNOW THEY TOOK THAT BROTHER'S WALK. YOU KNOW?

'MEMBER WHO COOL MIKE WALKED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE TRIAL?

HE CAME IN AND HE WAS LIKE,

"I KNOW I'M INNOCENTAND I'M GONNA BEAT THIS.

GO AHEAD. FRISK ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN LIKE TWO MONTHS INTO THAT TRIAL

THEY START PULLIN' OUT THEM LITTLE BOOKS.

HE WAS WALKIN'LIKE AN OLD MAN.

"HEY, MICHAEL. WE LOVE YOU." "HEE HEE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THERE IS ATAMPON COMMERCIAL ON TV.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN IT.

IT'S A GUY AND A GIRLIN A ROWBOAT ON A DATE.

- [LAUGHTER] - OH, GOOD.

SOME OF YOU HAVE SEEN IT. GOOD.BOAT SPRINGS A LEAK. THEY PANIC.

GIRL GOES, "DON'T WORRY." PUTS A TAMPON IN THE HOLE.

LADIES, LISTEN TO ME CLEARLY,

IF YOU'VE GOT A SITUATION GOING ON

WHERE YOU NEED SOMETHINGTHAT CAN STOP THE LEAK

ON A FRIGGING BOAT, THE DATE IS OVER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE GOING ON DOWN THERE,

BUT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT

BECAUSE I CAN'T SWIM. SO THAT'S A...

GIRLS, GET THE TAMPON COMMERCIALS OFF TV, PLEASE.

YOU DON'T NEED THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT THE PRODUCT IS.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO BUY IT. YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES. OKAY?

THERE'S NO GIRL IN THIS ROOM THAT FREAKS ON ONCE A MONTH

LIKE, "OH MY GOD. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

"PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO BUY FOR THIS PLEASE.

- OH MY GOD!" - [LAUGHTER]

I'M NEVER GETTIN' MARRIED. THAT'S FINE.

MARRIED PEOPLE IN THEAUDIENCE, DO ME A FAVOR.

STOP HANGING OUT WITH YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS, OKAY?

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW.YOU HAVE YOUR SEX RIGHTTHERE IN THE HOUSE.

YOU CAN DO DUMB CORNY STUFF THATWE CAN'T AFFORD TO DO. OKAY?

MY MARRIED FRIENDS HAVE THEME PARTIES.

AND THEY WANT ME, A SINGLE GUY, TO COME AND HANG OUT.

"DUDE, COME OVER ON SATURDAY. WE'RE HAVIN' A PIRATE PARTY.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DRESS UP LIKE PIRATES. DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.

I'M GETTIN' LAIDAT THE END OF THE NIGHT,

BUT I WANNA WATCH YOU TRY TO SCORE

WITH A PEG LEG AND AN EYE PATCH ON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"I'LL BE AT HOME PRETENDING TO BE GAY FOR THE NIGHT.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME."

ALL THE OLD MENIN MY FAMILY ARE CRAZY.

I HAVE THIS UNCLE VINCE.HE'S 85-YEARS-OLD.

AND I LOVE WHEN HE TRIES TO TELL ME SOMEBODY'S GAY.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING EVER. 'CAUSE OLD MEN HAVE NEVER HEARD

THE WORD GAY BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES.

THEY ALL USE THESE COLORFUL ELABORATE EXPRESSIONS TO DESCRIBE GAY PEOPLE.

AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

"LOOK AT THIS GUY IN THE PINK CUTOFFS OVER HERE.

"I THINK HE EATS PINK MARSHMALLOWS FOR BREAKFAST,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

"DUDE, WHAT THE [BLEEP]ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"HE FIXES HIS CAR WITH A PURPLE WRENCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

"NO, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING."

"HE'S GOT A BANANA IN HIS TAILPIPE.

- WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S OLD, OLD AND CRAZY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE'S THE THING.

I THINK THEY SHOULD SEND ALL THE OLD PEOPLE TO WAR.

I DO. THEY DID EVERYTHING ALREADY.

WHY AM I GOIN' OVER INTO THE HELLFIRE?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET.

OLD PEOPLE AREN'T SCARED OF WAR. YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH CREEPY STUFF

MEDICALLY ALREADY THAT'S WHY.

HOW SCARY IS A BULLETTO MY UNCLE, ONCE AGAIN,

NOT AT ALL. YOU KNOW WHY?

I SAW HIM TAKE AN 11-INCH CATHETER THE HARD WAY. OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

HOW SCARY IS A BULLET AT THAT POINT REALLY?

"A BULLET? YOU'RE GONNASTICK IT IN MY PENIS?

NO? THEN SHOOT ME. I DON'T GIVE A CRAP.

- HOW BAD COULD IT BE?" - [WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF ANYBODY DIED, YOU FINALLY HAVE A GOOD STORY ABOUT YOUR GRANDPARENTS.

I'M TIRED OF EVERYBODY TELLIN' THE SAME BORING ASS STORIES

ABOUT HOW THEIR GRANDPARENTS DIED.

"OH, MY NANA HAD A STROKE." "MY NANA HAD CANCER."

YEAH, DUDE. WE LOST NANA IN IRAQ. ALL RIGHT? TOP THAT?"

"MY GRANDDAD WAS A KAMIKAZE.

"HE RODE A WHEELCHAIR STRAIGHT INTO A TANK.

THERE WAS PRUNES AND EPSON SALT ALL OVER THE BATTLEFIELD."

BEAT THAT WITH YOUR PUSSY ASS STROKE."

I GOTTA GO GUYS.THANKS A LOT. GOODNIGHT.

AH, HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A KOREAN BROKE INTO YOU HOUSE?

Audience: HOW?

YOU DOG IS MISSING AND HOMEWORK IS DONE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HELLO. MY NAME IS SUNG HEE PARKAND I FROM SEOUL, KOREA.

[SPEAKING KOREAN]

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I VERY HAPPY TO BE PERFORM PREMIUM BLEND.

I VERY HONOR. THANK YOU TOO HAVING ME. OH--

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY, AH, EVERYBODY SAY [SPEAKING KOREAN]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN GROCERY BAG AND MICHAEL JACKSON?

OH, OH.

ONE IS MADE OF WHITE PLASTIC AND DANGEROUS TO CHILDREN

AND OTHER IS GROCERY BAG.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DID STEVIE WONDER SAY WHEN SOMEBODY HANDING HIM

- PIECE OF A MATZO BREAD?- Audience: WHAT?

- WHO WROTE THIS CRAP? - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY GRANDFATHERFAMOUS KOREAN MINISTER,

HIS NAME WANG CHEK YUNG MOXA,

AND HE PREACHING ALL OVER THE WORLD

AND I HIS FAVORITE GRANDCHILD.

WHEN I LITTLE GIRL, I SIT HIS LAP

AND I TOUCHING HIS A-- EARLOBE.

HE HAVE A SOFTEST EARLOBE. HE PASS AWAY.

- Audience: OW.- SORRY.

BUT I THINK HE CAN SEE ME. AND I THINK HE PROUD OF ME.

AND HE TEACHING ME SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT BEFORE HE DIE.

I LIKE TO SHARING WITH YOU. HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT?

- YOU [BLEEP] HER. - [LAUGHTER]

OKAY, THAT'S MY TIME. I AM SUNG HEE PARK.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.- [CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I ALWAYS BEGIN WITH SOME ADVICE.AND IF I COULD OFFER ANY IT'S,

WATCH OUT FOR THESE SCAMS.

TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I GET RIPPED OFF ALL THE TIME.I AM THE BIGGEST SUCKER.

I ONCE LOST THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN THIS

"GET RICH QUICK" SCHEME. IT'S CALLED COLLEGE.

OH MY GOD. WHAT A RIP OFF THAT IS, HUH?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TELL ME IF I'M WRONG. THIS IS HOW COLLEGE WORKS.

YOU BUY BOOKS FOR $300.YOU DON'T READ THEM.

AND YOU RETURN THEM FOR $15.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND YOU FEEL SO GOOD TOO, ONCE YOU GOT THAT $15 BACK,

BECAUSE NOW YOU CAN DRINK.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT ME,

BUT I AM NOT A GREAT LOVER. I'M NOT.

I'M A PRETTY DECENT LOVER, BUT I'M NOT A GREAT LOVER.

I WANNA BE A GREAT LOVER. I DO.

I WENT OUT, I GOT THISINSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOTAPE.

SEX INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOTAPE. COST ME LIKE $19.95.

IT ACTUALLYSHOWS YOU MOVE FOR MOVEHOW TO PLEASURE A WOMAN.

I GOT IT LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO. I DON'T REALLY KNOW

IF THE VIDEOTAPE IS GONNA HELP ME MAKE A WOMAN ORGASM.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT THIS VIDEOTAPE

HAS HELPED ME MAKE MYSELF ORGASM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I THINK I GOT MY MONEY'S WORTH ON THAT ONE

- IS ALL I'M SAYING. - [LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS WITH MEN. I REALLY DON'T.

I THINK IT COMES DOWN TO YOU'RE EITHER COOL OR YOU'RE NOT COOL.

AND LET ME JUST SAY, DRUGS DO NOT MAKE YOU COOL,

IT'S THE PEOPLE YOU DO THEM WITH THAT MAKE YOU COOL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU LEARN THAT TOO LATE, UNFORTUNATELY. PERSONALLY, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I USED TO SMOKE POT FROM TIME TO TIME.

SPECIFICALLY FROM LIKE NOON TO EIGHT.

IT WAS LIKE A FULL-TIME JOB FOR A WHILE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL BUTI HAVE THE BUILD OF A VICTIM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT I FIND I GET INTO PROBLEMS IN WEIRD PLACES, YOU KNOW?

LIKE RETAIL CLOTHING STORES.

WHENEVER IN THE RETAIL CLOTHING STORE

PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY COMING UP TO ME

AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS AS IF I WORK THERE.

AND THAT'S NOT REALLY THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT I FEEL OBLIGATED TO HELP THEM.

SO I WAS AT THE STORETHE OTHER DAY.

THIS GUY COMES UP TO ME AND HE'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU GET THESE PANTS FOR ME IN A 34 REGULAR?"

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I'M LIKE, "YEAH. I COULD DO THAT."

SO I GO TO THE BACK OF THE STOREAND I GET THE GUY HIS PANTS.

I'M FEELING KIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF, YOU KNOW?

I BRING THEM UP TO HIM LIKE, "HEY, HERE YOU GO."

AND HE'S LIKE, "OOH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DECIDED TO PASS ON THOSE."

I'M LIKE, "PASS, DUDE. SO I WASTED MY TIME?"

HE'S LIKE "WHAT? I DON'T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUNG MAN."

AND HE GOES OFF TO GET THE MANAGER.

AND SUDDENLY I'M REALLY FREAKIN' NERVOUS.

I FIGURE I BETTER LOOK BUSY, YOU KNOW.

I START TAKING INVENTORY. FOLDING SWEATERS.

SUDDENLY I'M FACE-TO-FACE WITH THE MANAGER.

HE'S LIKE "WE SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM HERE."

AND THEY'RE VERY JITTERY.I'M LIKE, "HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS GUY'S A DICK." HE'S LIKE, "WHAT?

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU JUST SAID IN FRONT OF A CUSTOMER.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?PACK UP YOUR THINGS AND GO HOME.

YOU'RE FIRED." I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, YOU CAN'T FIRE ME.

I DON'T EVEN WORK HERE."AND THE GUY'S LIKE,

"YO, CALM DOWN, MAN. NEITHER DO I."

AND-- NOT-- NO, NO, NO.

DON'T CLAP 'TIL YOU HEARTHE END OF THIS ONE.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT FIVE YEARS IS?

JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR ME TO THINK THIS ONE MIGHT NOT WORK OUT.

I REALIZED RECENTLY, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD MY WIFE WAS.

WE WENT TO THE COURTHOUSETO GET MARRIED.

SHE WOULDN'T LET ME SEENONE OF THE PAPERWORK.

SHE WAS LIKE "YOU GO OVER THERE

"AND PLAY WITHSOME OF THEM VIDEO GAMES.

"I'LL CALL YOU IF I NEED YOU.

- GO PLAY." - [LAUGHTER]

MY WIFE HAD THIS WHOLE GAY MILITARY POLICY WITH HER AGE.

IF I DIDN'T ASK, SHE WOULDN'T TELL.

AND WHEN I DID ASK SHE'D GET OFFENDED.

YOU KNOW, I'D BE, "EX-- LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, BABE,

I MEAN HOW OLD ARE YOU?" "EXCUSE ME?

"LISTEN LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

"I AM A WOMAN AND A REAL MAN WOULD NOT ASK A WOMAN HER AGE.

"IT'S NOT ABOUT HOW OLD I AM.

"IT'S ABOUT HOW YOUNG I MAKE YOU FEEL.

"NOW GO IN THERE AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH

"AND PUT ON YOUR PAJAMAS. GET READY FOR BED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND DO NOT TURN THAT LIGHT BACK ON."

"WHY ARE YOU CRYIN'?""I-- I-- I DON'T KNOW."

"STOP CRYIN'. IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

"YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT?

YOU WANT SOME CORN BREAD, 'CAUSE I CAN MAKE YOU SOME--"

OLDER WOMEN DON'T MESS AROUND

WITH THE IDLE TIME IN BETWEEN THE LOVEMAKIN'.

YOU STROKE THEIR TITTIES. THEY BE SMOKIN' CIGARETTES.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL FOR?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY TRY TO ASK YOULITTLE TRICK QUESTIONS.

THEY ASK YOU STUFF LIKE, "LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DO YOU LIKE KIDS?"

SEE IF A YOUNG GIRL ASKS YOU LIKE KIDS, SHE'S CURIOUS.

OLDER WOMAN ASKS YOU LIKE KIDS,YOU KNOW WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS?

SHE HAS SOME KIDS. I DIDN'T MEET MY WIFE'S SON

FOR A YEAR AND A HALF INTO THE RELATIONSHIP.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE WAS HIDIN' HIM,

BUT SHE WAS DOIN' A DAMN GOOD JOB OF IT.

THIS DUDE WAS ON THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM IN HIS OWN APARTMENT.

I TELL YOU HOW YOU FIND OUT IF THEY HAVE KIDS.

DO WHAT I DID.I JUST SHOWED UP TO THEAPARTMENT ONE DAY,

WALKED RIGHT IN THEFRONT DOOR UNANNOUNCED.

AND GUESS WHO WAS SITTIN' IN THE LIVIN' ROOM?

SO I GO TO THE KITCHEN AND MY WIFE. I'M LIKE, "PSST.

HEY, BABE. WHO'S THE DUDE SITTIN' IN THE FRONT ROOM?"

AND I'M WHISPERING 'CAUSE HE'S BIGGER THAN I AM.

HE'S LIKE SIX TWO, 225, HE'S ALL MUSCULAR.

AND I DON'T WANNA BE SOMEBODY'S NEW DAD

IF I THINK THEY COULD TAKE ME.SO I'M CURIOUS.

SHE IS LIKE,"WELL, THAT'S MY SON."

I WAS LIKE, "WHOA. YOU DIDN'TTELL ME YOU HAD KIDS."

SHE WAS LIKE, "WELL,TECHNICALLY I DO NOT HAVE KIDS.

"I HAVE A SON.YOU ASKED ME ABOUT THE PLURAL.

"I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT THE SINGULAR.

"I HAVE A SON.AND WHY ARE YOU CRYIN'?

"YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU SOMETHING TO EAT?

YOU WANT SOME CORN BREAD, 'CAUSE I CAN MAKE YOU SOME."

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

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