The A-List
Season 1

Cathy Ladman & Bob Odenkirk

  • Season 1, Ep 0109
  • 02/24/1992

I JUST BROKE UP WITH SOMEBODY.

I GUESS I'M BETWEEN PAINRIGHT NOW, QUITE FRANKLY.

( laughter )

I'VE BEEN SO BURNED, I MEAN,I DESERVE TO FEEL PARANOID.

I MEAN, I JUST, UH...

YOU MEET SOMEBODY.

I MEAN, I'M NO GIFTBUT I'VE BEEN WITH SATAN-ETTES.

I'D SAY, "WHAT DO YOU WANTTO HAVE FOR DINNER?"

SHE SAID,"BLOOD FROM A LAMB"-- THAT FAST.

PRETTY FRIGHTENING--SO NOW I GO OUT TO DINNER

COULD BE THE MOST WONDERFULWOMAN IN THE WORLD

AND WE'LL BE AT SOME RESTAURANT

SHE'LL SAY, "YOU THINKWE SHOULD GET AN APPETIZER?"

AND I'LL GO,"DON'T JERK ME AROUND!"

I MEAN, PANIC, AND I ACTUALLYDO THIS AT DINNER

WHICH IS SORT OF SAD.

I DO THE CHARLESTON AT DINNER,WHICH IS EMBARRASSING

BUT I-- RIGHT NOW, I'M BASICALLYJUST LIVING VICARIOUSLY

THROUGH HEALTHY COUPLESLIKE YOURSELVES, WHICH IS GOOD.

MY BIGGEST PROBLEM DATING--IT'S TOUGH TO DATE NOW, ANYWAY--

BUT I FALL IN LOVE SO FAST THATI COME BACK AFTER THE FIRST DATE

"SHE'S UNBELIEVABLE"AND THEY SAY, "WHAT DID SHE DO?"

"I DON'T KNOW,I THINK SHE'S A MAMMAL.

I THINK SHE'S A MAMMAL."

YOU KNOW, AND WHEREDO YOU MEET PEOPLE?

I USUALLY MEET PEOPLEAT MY DOCTORS' OFFICES

BECAUSE I GO ALL THE TIME.

IT'S EMBARRASSING, LIKEAT THE SKIN DOCTOR LAST WEEK

YOU KNOW IN THE LOBBY,THE NURSE:

"HI, MR. LEWIS, STILL HAVETHAT RASH ON YOUR BEHIND?"

YES, I DO, I DO.

GO AHEAD, JUST GUESS, COME ON.

FORTY-THREE?

THAT'S VERY GOOD,YOU'RE VERY GOOD.

60-- YOU'RE EXCELLENTAT THIS GAME.

OKAY, WE CAN STOP NOW,THANK YOU.

( scattered laughter )

I'M 36.

I AM-- DON'T I LOOK GOOD?

( light applause )

I HAVE... THANK YOU.

I HAVE DACRON IMPLANTS,THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M 36, I'M NOT MARRIED,I GIVE UP.

REALLY, I WAS JUSTAT MY COUSIN'S WEDDING.

I CAUGHT THE BOUQUET.

I JUST TOOK IT HOMEAND REPOTTED IT.

I'M GETTING VERY OLD, BUT, SEE,WE'RE ALL GETTING OLD TOGETHER.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.

LIKE RIGHT NOW,WE JUST GOT OLDER

AND THEN, AGAIN.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

( laughter )

MY DAD'S GETTING OLD.

HE'S 72-- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HE'S STILL HANDSOME BUTHIS EYEBROWS ARE GOING CRAZY.

WHAT IS IT WITH GUYSAND THEIR EYEBROWS?

HE LOOKS LIKE A MAD SCIENTIST!

YOU KNOW, HE GOES TO SLEEP,HE WAKES UP:

"OOH, DAD, DID YOU TAKE A NAPOR DID YOU INVENT SOMETHING?"

MY MOM'S GETTING OLD, TOO--SHE'S 69.

SHE'S SO NERVOUS,SHE GASPS AT EVERYTHING.

( gasps )

"WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT?"

IT'S AIR, MOM.

IF YOU INHALE SLOWLY,IT WON'T HURT YOU.

SHE IS NERVOUS.

YOU SHOULD SEE HER DRIVE A CAR,SHE'S A MENACE TO SOCIETY.

"UH-OH, LOOK OUT,I THINK WE'RE MOVING!"

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE REALLYCAUTIOUS DRIVERS.

SHE'S TOO CAUTIOUS--IT'S DANGEROUS.

LIKE, WHEN MY MOTHER'SDRIVING ALONG

AND THERE'S A SIGN THAT SAYSTHE ROAD CURVES TO THE LEFT

SHE SIGNALS THAT WAY

JUST TO LET US KNOWSHE'S GOING THERE.

AND NOT INTO THE BRICK WALLAHEAD OF US.

SO MY FATHER YELLS AT HER

"GET AWAY, LET ME GETBEHIND THE WHEEL."

OH, GOD, MY FATHER DRIVESSO SLOWLY.

YOU KNOW WHEN DEER SEEMY FATHER'S CAR APPROACHING

THEY LINGER.

ONCE A COP STOPPED MY FATHER:

"SIR, DO YOU KNOW HOW FASTYOU WERE GOING?

THREE MILES AN HOUR."

"I'M SORRY, OFFICER,I GUESS I WAS A LITTLE ANXIOUS."

TO DO WHAT?

SIMULATE TIME-LAPSE PHOTOGRAPHY?

( scattered applause )

IT'S SO FRUSTRATING BEING IN THEBACK SEAT WITH THESE DRIVERS.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

"WE'LL GET THEREWHEN WE GET THERE.

"WHEN WE GET THERE,WE'RE PARKING VERY FAR...

"IN ARIZONA.

"AT A METER WITH TIME ON IT.

"THAT'S RIGHT, I'M NOT PARKINGIN THE LOT.

"IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.

THAT'S WHYTHEY CALL IT 'A LOT.'"

( laughter )

MY MOTHER NEVER ENCOURAGED ME

TO HAVE CREATIVE COSTUMESON HALLOWEEN.

IT WAS SUCHAN IMPORTANT DAY TO ME:

"OH, MA, WHAT SHOULD I BETHIS YEAR?"

"OH, UH... BE A GHOST AGAIN."

WHAT, DO YOU HAVE TO GET RIDOF ANOTHER OLD SHEET?

AND IT WASN'T EVEN A WHITESHEET; IT WAS A PRINT SHEET.

( laughter )

SORT OF BE LIKETHE MARTEX GHOST.

"OH, LITTLE GIRL, YOU SCARED MEWITH THAT BROWN PLAID."

( laughter )

"THAT IS THE UGLIEST COSTUMEI'VE EVER SEEN.

PLEASE TAKE YOUR CANDYAND LEAVE MY PORCH."

I WAS SO DEPRESSEDIN MY COSTUME, WALKING AROUND.

OH, I HATE MY COSTUME.

DRAGGING THE BAG ON THE CONCRETE

A BIG HOLE WOULD FORMIN THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG

AND ALL THE CANDYWOULD FALL OUT.

I'D GO HOME EMPTY-HANDEDAND DEGRADED AGAIN.

WHEN I GOT A BIT OLDER

I WAS TALLER AND I COULDCLEAR THE CONCRETE.

I WOULD MAKE IT HOMEWITH ALL MY CANDY

AND DUMP IT OUT ON THE BEDAND SEPARATE IT INTO TWO PILES:

ONE THAT I WOULD EATAND ONE THAT MY FATHER WOULD EAT

BECAUSE MY FATHERWOULD EAT ANYTHING.

MY FATHER WAS LIKETHE FAMILY GOAT.

( laughter )

"WAS IT THAT?

"THAT LOOKS GOOD.

"WHAT IS THAT, FORMICA?

OH, THOSE GOLD DOTSLOOK VERY GOOD."

I COME FROMONE OF THOSE FAMILIES

WHERE NO ONE WOULD THROW AWAY

THE HALF-GALLON BOXOF ICE CREAM.

WE'RE ALL TOO LAZYTO BREAK IT DOWN

SO IT WOULD FITINTO THE GARBAGE

SO WE PUT IT BACK IN THE FREEZERWITH, LIKE, A TEASPOONFUL LEFT.

BUT IT LOOKED DECEIVING FROMTHE OUTSIDE-- IT LOOKED FULL.

SO MY MOM, "GREAT, ICE CREAM.

"OH!

"I COULD'VE BROKEN MY HAND!

"LET'S SEE WHAT'S IN HERE.

OOH! LOOK AT THOSE CRYSTALS."

( laughter )

"WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT?

"THEY DON'T EVENMAKE THAT ANYMORE.

DAD'LL EAT IT."

NO, I LIKE BEING A WOMAN.

I HAD A VERY GOOD YEARAS A WOMAN.

I HAD MY FIRST MAMMOGRAMTHIS YEAR.

MMM, YES, THANK YOU.

WHAT A TREAT.

IT'S WHAT EVERY LITTLE GIRLDREAMS OF.

"WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE ABALLERINA AND HAVE A MAMMOGRAM."

IF YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT A MAMMOGRAM IS

IT IS NOT A WOMANWITH BIG BREASTS

WHO WORKS FOR WESTERN UNION.

( laughter )

SOME PEOPLE REALLY DON'T KNOW.

IT'S A BREAST EXAM ANDI DON'T CARE HOW SMALL YOU ARE--

BECAUSE THEY DON'T COMEMUCH SMALLER THAN I AM--

BUT THEY GRAB YOUR BREAST ANDTHEY DRAG IT ACROSS THE ROOM!

I WAS IN THE WAITING ROOM

MY BREAST WAS IN A ROOMACROSS THE HALL!

AND THEN THEY SQUISH THAT THING.

I FELT LIKE THE COYOTEIN A ROADRUNNER CARTOON.

( scattered laughter )

GOD, HOW DO YOU MAINTAINDIGNITY IN THAT ENVIRONMENT?

WELL, UH, MY BREAST IS BETWEENTWO PLATES OF PLEXIGLASS...

I'LL HAVE SOME TEA.

THAT'S MY THEORY.

WE JUST HAVE TO SUFFER.

LIKE, I HAD TO GOTO MY NEPHEW'S BRIS.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BRISIS, I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

IT'S REALLY CHARMING.

IT'S WHEN A LITTLE BOYGETS CIRCUMCISED

AND ALL THE FRIENDSAND THE RELATIVES GET TOGETHER.

WHAT A... FESTIVE EVENT.

I MEAN, I THINK THISIS RATHER INAPPROPRIATE.

REALLY, I WOULDN'T INVITEYOU ALL TO MY INTERNAL EXAM

AND SERVE BAGELSAND EGG SALAD AFTERWARDS.

HAPPY PAP SMEAR.

HAVE SOME NACHOS,I PASSED MY TEST.

( laughter )

IT'S SICK.

BUT, SEE, JEWS WILL DOANYTHING TO EAT.

( laughter )

REALLY, OUR ENTIRE LIVES,WE'RE IN SEARCH OF A BUFFET.

IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

THAT'S WHY WE WERE IN THEDESERT FOR 40 YEARS...

LOOKING FOR CHAFING DISHES.

"OH, LOOK, THERE'SA GOLDEN CALF.

LET'S EAT IT!"

ALL RELIGIONS LIKE THIS.

MY BEST FRIEND IS LUTHERAN

AND SHE TOLD METHAT WHEN JESUS WAS BORN

THE THREE WISE MENCAME TO VISIT HIM

AND THEY BROUGHT AS GIFTS GOLD,FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH.

MYRRH?

TO A BABY SHOWER?

I GUESS MARY WAS VERY POLITEABOUT IT.

"OH... MYRRH.

"HOW LOVELY.

"ONE NEVER CAN HAVEENOUGH... MYRRH.

"THEY CALL THOSE WISE MEN,THEY BRING MYRRH?

"COULDN'T IT BE SOMETHINGWE NEED, LIKE A CRADLE?

JESUS CHRIST!"

( laughter )

"THAT'S WHAT I'LL NAME HIM.

I WANT TO REMEMBERTHIS CHEAP GIFT."

AND THEN JOSEPH AND MARYWOULD HAVE PARTIES:

"WHO'S COMING?"

"THE WISE MEN."

"UGH, THE WEISMANS,I HATE THE WEISMANS.

"THEY ALWAYS BRING BAD GIFTS.

I HOPE THEY FOLLOWTHE WRONG STAR AND GET LOST."

"BAD MOOD, BAD MOOD?

SURE, I'M IN A BAD MOOD,I HAVEN'T HAD SEX... EVER!"

BUT THERE'S A LOTOF COUPLES HERE AND I AM SORRY

BUT I GUESS I'LL JUSTEVENTUALLY FIND THE WRONG WOMAN

AND MARRY HER, QUITE FRANKLY.

YOU KNOW THE DEAL WAS,THE LAST RELATIONSHIP

SHE WAS MARRIED AND SHE HADA KID-- EIGHT-- GREAT KID.

IT'S TOUGH WHEN YOU'RENOT THE FATHER OR THE MOTHER.

WHATEVER IT IS.

I'M NOT A TRANSSEXUAL,BUT YOU KNOW.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN FUNNY:"HI, I'M THE FATHER;

NO, I'M THE MOTHER."

I WOULD RING THE BELL ANDTHE LITTLE GIRL WAS RESENTFUL

BECAUSE I WASN'T HER DAD.

I UNDERSTOOD THAT,BUT IT WAS LIKE

"OH, IT'S THE JEWWITH THE BAD POSTURE AGAIN."

( laughter )

BUT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HERMOTHER, IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

THEN THIS LITTLE GIRL WAS BEINGLIKE DENNIS THE MENACE IN DRAG.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

AND THEN THE QUESTIONS.

LITTLE KIDS ASK QUESTIONSEVERY SECOND.

SHE MUST'VE ASKED A THOUSANDQUESTIONS IN ONE BLOCK

AND FINALLY I PANICKED.

SHE WENT,"WHAT ARE THOSE CLOUDS?

WHAT ARE THEY MADE OF?"

I'M AN IDIOT ANYWAY.

"STEAM FROM A HOT DOG--ALL RIGHT?"

IT'S MY PROBLEM.

AND I HIT AN ANIMAL WITH IT.

DID YOU EVER DO THAT?

YOU'RE DRIVING ALONG,ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU HEAR THAT...

( crunch )

YOU GET THAT ADRENALINE RUSH,YOU KNOW.

I GOT OUT OF THE CAR, THERE WASBLOOD EVERYWHERE AND RABBIT FUR.

THE LADY WHO WAS WEARING IT WASJUST HOBBLING ACROSS THE STREET.

I KEPT DRIVING, THOUGH, BECAUSEI HAD TO GET BACK INTO THE CITY.

I NOTICED A STATE TROOPER'S REDLIGHTS IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR.

I WAS A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSEI WAS DRIVING ON A TICKET.

THE COP APPROACHED THE CAR

AND OF COURSE, THE FIRST THINGHE ASKED FOR WAS MY LICENSE.

SO I HANDED HIMTHE SPEEDING TICKET.

THEN HE SAID,"UNLESS YOU CAN POST $100 BOND

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUDOWN TO THE POLICE STATION."

NOW, IN AN ATTEMPT TO BRINGSOME LEVITY TO THE SITUATION

I REMARKED, "I'VE NEVER BEENTO A POLICE STATION BEFORE."

WHEN WE ARRIVED...

( laughter )

I GOT ONE PHONE CALL.

I CALLED MY BEST FRIEND JOE

AND LEFT A MESSAGEON HIS ANSWERING MACHINE

AND THE OFFICER SAID,"UNTIL THAT BOND ARRIVES

"I'M GOING TO HAVETO KEEP YOU IN A CELL.

HOPEFULLY IT WON'T BE MORETHAN ONE OR TWO HOURS."

STARTING TO GET SERIOUS.

THEY HAD ME EMPTY OUTMY POCKETS.

THEY TOOK MY WALLET, MY KEYS,MY SHOELACES--

EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY PRIDE.

THAT AND MY FEARSAND MY HOPES AND DREAMS...

( scattered laughter )

AND MY LOVE OF ORIGAMI...

( laughter )

AND MY ABILITYTO CREATE THE ILLUSION

OF WALKING AGAINST THE WIND.

WELL, YOU GET THE IDEA--I WAS ALONE.

THERE IS NO SOUNDMORE UNFORGIVING

THAN THE CLANG OF PRISON BARSSHUTTING BEHIND YOU.

THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND EXCEPTFOR THE GUY ACROSS THE HALL.

I COULD TELL BY THE WAYHE WAS SLEEPING AND HIS DROOL

THAT HE WAS A WINO.

"I'M NOT GOING TO BE YOUR BOY!"

( laughter )

I YELLED, ALMOST WAKING HIM UP.

YEAH, THIS PLACE WAS RIPEFOR A RIOT.

I BEGAN PACING MY CELLLIKE A CAGED ANIMAL.

I'D ALWAYS BELIEVEDTHAT OLD SAYING

THAT THE FIRST 15 MINUTESIN JAIL ARE THE TOUGHEST

UNTIL I EXPERIENCEDTHE FIVE MINUTES AFTER THAT.

THEY SAY A YEAR IN THE CLINKIS EQUAL TO 100 OUTSIDE.

EVERY MINUTE SEEMED LIKE FIVE.

I DID SOME CALCULATING AND ICONCLUDED THAT IF I'D BEEN A DOG

THE 20 MINUTES I'D SPENT IN HEREWOULD'VE BEEN EQUAL TO 3h YEARS.

I DECIDED THAT WAS TOO LONG

AND IT WAS TIMETO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT

SO I'D ATTEMPTED TO CARVEA REALISTIC-LOOKING HANDGUN

OUT OF LIQUID SOAP.

NO DICE.

I SET ABOUT MAKING PEACEWITH MY STRANGE ENVIRONMENT.

I ARRANGED THE MATTRESSINTO A MAKESHIFT BED.

TO PASS THE TIME

I GAVE NICKNAMESTO EVERYTHING IN MY CELL.

THE SINK I CALLED TOILETAND THE TOILET, SINK

AND THE FLOOR WAS "OLD FLOOREY."

AFTER ABOUT 40 MINUTES

I FOUND MYSELF GROWINGCOMFORTABLE WITH PRISON LIFE

EVEN A LITTLE DEPENDENTON THE ROUTINE OF IT ALL.

I BEGAN TO WONDER ABOUT MYCHANCES SHOULD I GET RELEASED.

WOULD I BE ABLE TO COPEWITHOUT THIS RIGID STRUCTURE?

MAYBE A HALFWAY HOUSE PROGRAMWOULD HELP.

( laughs insanely )

GOD IN HEAVEN, WHY DO YOU CURSETHE GROUND I WALK ON?

CONFINEMENT WAS STARTINGTO GET TO ME

BUT I WAS NOT ABOUT TO GIVE IN.

FROM NOW ON I'D TREAT IT ALLAS A GAME--

A GAME THAT HAD TO BE PLAYED.

I'D TOE THE LINE--

BECOME A GOOD BOY.

AS I ENTERED MY SECOND HOUROF INCARCERATION

I DECIDED TO TURN OVERA NEW LEAF.

I PICKED UP A BIBLEAND GOT RELIGION.

UH-HUH, I SANG SWEET BLUES MUSICTO MYSELF

TO SOOTHE THE FURYRAGING INSIDE.

THE OFFICER APPROACHED MY CELL.

NOW WAS MY CHANCE TO GET IN GOODWITH HIM:

"OFFICER, I THINKTHAT WINO'S BEEN DRINKING.

"HE'S ROLLING AROUNDTHE FLOOR AND MUMBLING!

"I THINK HE'S PLANNINGAN ESCAPE.

"HE... WHAT?

"MY BOND IS HERE?

YOU MEAN I'M GOING TO BE FREE?"

WOW, WHILE MY FRIEND JOEPAID THE BOND

I COLLECTED MY THINGS AND THENI TOOK MY FIRST STEPS OUTSIDE.

( gasping )

I WAS TEMPORARILY BLINDEDBY THE HARSH LIGHT OF THE MOON.

( gasping )

JOE ASKED ME IF I WANTEDTO STOP BY A RESTAURANT

OR GO STRAIGHT HOME.

TAKE ME TO A HOOKER, MAN!

I'M HORNY!

( applause )

"WHAT?" HE ASKED.

"OH, NOTHING,JUST GIVE ME A CIGARETTE."

"BUT, BOB, YOU DON'T SMOKE."

"I DO NOW!

"IT'S A LITTLE HABIT I PICKED UPIN THE JOINT.

"HEY, JOE, BE STRAIGHT WITH ME,ARE THESE CLOTHES STILL IN?

"WHO'S THE PRESIDENT NOW?

HAVE THEY GOT THOSEPICTURE PHONES YET?"

JOE JUST SHOOK HIS HEADAND TOLD ME TO GET IN THE CAR.

YEAH, I COULD WALK AWAYFROM JAIL

BUT THE MEMORY OF THOSESHAMEFUL LOST TWO HOURS

WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER.

( applause and cheering )

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