Mark Loves Dick

  • Season 2, Ep 216
  • 04/04/2012

Callie is promptly promoted after turning into a man, causing strife in her relationship with Mark.

♪ WE SHALL OVERCOME

♪ WE SHALL OVERCOME

- THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

YOU GUYSARE REALLY GREAT SINGERS.

- THANK YOU, BUT WE'RE NOT HEREFOR MUSICAL ACCOLADES.

WE DEMAND YOU INTERVIEW CALLIE

TO BE THE NEXT AMBASSADORTO ATLANTIS.

- BUT I JUST HIRED HIM.

MEET DICK.

- YOU HIRED SOMEONE ALREADY?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO CALLIE?

- MARK, IT'S ME.

- YES, DICK.TWAYNE JUST INTRODUCED YOU.

- NO, IT'S ME.CALLIE.

- CALLIE UNDERWENTA SEXUAL REASSIGNMENT

SO SHE COULD GET THE POSITION.

- I CHOSE DICK AS MY MALE NAME.

- YOUR GIRLFRIEND'SKIND OF A HUNK.

- LET'S GIVE THESE GENTLEMENSOME PRIVACY.

- HUH?CHECK IT OUT.

ISN'T THIS CRAZY?LOOK AT MY ARMS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THISWITHOUT ASKING ME,

AND, OUT OFALL THE NAMES TO PICK,

YOU JUST WENT WITH DICK?

- [laughs]I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

- WELL, IT'S NOT.IT'S--IT'S UPSETTING.

- WELL, IT'S--TECHNICALLY, IT'S RICHARD.

- WHY NOT RALPH OR COREYOR BEAU?

- LOOK, I COULD'VE NAMED MYSELF[bleep], BUT I DIDN'T.

- NO ONE HAS THE NAME [bleep]!

- HONEY, THIS IS MY DREAM JOB

AND I KNEW THAT YOU'D SUPPORTMY HAPPINESS.

COME ON.GIVE DADDY SOME SUGAR.

- WHOA.WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA NOW.

NO, NO, NO.

- HEY.WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, SWEETIE?

- I'M GLAD THINGS WORKED OUTTHE WAY YOU WANTED,

BUT THIS KIND OF CHANGES THINGSIN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

- WHY?

INSIDE, I'M STILL THE SAMEPERSON WITH THE SAME FEELINGS

AND SEXUAL DESIRES FOR YOU.

DON'T WORRY, BABY.

WE'LL HAVE THE NEXT SIX MONTHSIN ATLANTIS

TO GET USED TO IT.

- SIX MONTHS?

- THAT'S HOW LONGMY FIRST ASSIGNMENT IS.

AND YOU KNOW I CAN'T GO THATLONG WITHOUT HITTING THAT.

- EVEN IF I WERE GOOD WITH YOUHAVING A P-E-N-I-S--

- PENIS.

- SIX MONTHS IS A LONG TIME.

I HAVE A JOB TOO.

- LOOK, WOMEN GIVE UP THEIRCAREERS FOR MEN ALL THE TIME.

I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT THAT YOUWERE MORE PROGRESSIVE THAN THAT.

- I AM.I SUPPORT WOMEN'S RIGHTS.

BUT YOU ARE A MAN NOW,

WHICH--THAT ISA WOMAN'S CHOICE TO MAKE.

I'M JUST--I'M VERY, VERY CONFUSED.

I THINK I NEED TO GOTALK THIS OUT WITH SOME FRIENDS.

WOW. THIS PLACE IS HUGE.

- I TOLD YOU THIS JOB HAS PERKS.

YOU WANT TO BREAK IT IN?HMM?

- UH, OH, WELL...

I'M NOT DONE WITH THE TOURJUST YET.

MEN'S HEALTH MAGAZINES...

TESTICLE WASHER...

SILK-LINED GLORY HOLE

THIS PLACE SEEMS WEIRDLYTAILORED TO MEN.

- UH, I NEED YOU TO HELP MEWITH MY TESTOSTERONE INJECTION.

I-I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SQUEAMISHABOUT NEEDLES.

- SO WHERE DO I, UH--

- IT WORKS BEST IF IT'S INJECTEDDIRECTLY INTO THE PENIS.

- OF COURSE IT DOES.

- WHOA!WOW.

WELL, YOU DIDN'T SKIMPDOWN HERE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.GO BIG OR GO HOME.

- RIGHT.[chuckles]

- WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING HOMEANY TIME SOON, THEN.

- [chuckles]NO, NO.

NO, I--I BOUGHT THE WHOLE BLOCK.

- AMBASSADOR MAGGOTBONE.

ON BEHALF OF MY PEOPLE,I WELCOME YOU

TO THE UNDERWATER CITYOF ATLANTIS.

- THANK YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS.

I LOOK FORWARD TO BEGINNINGOUR NEGOTIATIONS TOMORROW.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCEMY COMPANION,

MARK LILLY.

- ENCHANTE, MR. LILLY.

- UM, THANKS.

- COME.LET'S GO INSIDE.

THE PIZZA'S GETTING COLD.

- I'M RUSTY.DUDE.

HOW MUCH YOU BENCH?

- I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE MISSINGA VERB IN THAT SENTENCE, RUSTY.

- BEAUTY AND BRAINS.NOTHING SEXIER.

[swinging big band music]

- THIS IS AN INTERESTING PARTY.

- ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.

THINGS ARE GOING TO GET TENSEONCE OUR DIPLOMATIC TALKS BEGIN.

- WHAT I MEAN IS,

THERE DON'T APPEAR TO BEANY WOMEN IN ATLANTIS

AT ALL.

- WOW, MARK,NOTHING GETS PAST YOU.

- MIND IF I CUT IN?

- UH, HE'S ALL YOURS,YOUR HIGHNESS.

- CAN'T WAITTO SEE HOW HE HANDLES.

- OH, AH, OH.

- SORRY.I'M NOT MUCH OF A DANCER.

- DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU.

MARK WAS A BALLROOM DANCECHAMPION IN COLLEGE.

- YOU JUST NEED TO LOOSEN UP.

PUT YOUR HIPS INTO IT.

[grunts]

SEE?IT'S AS NATURAL AS MAKING LOVE.

NOW JUST RELAX.DIPPING!

AND, YES.

NOW THAT YOU'RE LIVING HERE,

I HOPE THAT DIPIS THE FIRST OF MANY.

- YOU ALREADY GOT A MAN.

STAY AWAY FROM MINE, BRO.

REMEMBER, ALL OF NEW YORK ISCOUNTING ON YOU.

SO GET IN THERE, AND MAKE THATMAN

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

MAKE IT HOT.MAKE IT SEXY.

LET'S GET SENSUAL.LET'S GET EROTIC.

WITH A MAN.

RIGHT NOW!

- MARK.

TO WHAT DO WE OWE THE PLEASUREOF SEEING YOU

RIGHT BEFORE OURPRE-BED YANK JOB?

- AH, I WAS THINKING ABOUTHOW BEING A KING

MUST BE VERY STRESSFUL.

SO I THOUGHT I'D OFFER TO HELPRELIEVE YOUR TENSION.

- YOU KNOW,NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,

I HAVE BEEN FEELING EXTRA STIFF

EVER SINCE YOU ARRIVEDIN ATLANTIS.

RUSTY?OUT!

- BUT, KING,WE ALWAYS YANK TOGETHER.

- YEAH, BUT, I'M SORRY,

TONIGHT YOU'RE YANKING SOLO,BUDDY.

- WHEN YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN,I'M GOING TO CRUSH YOUR NUTS.

- MAY I OFFER YOU A SEA-GAR?

THESE ARE PRIMO.

- I'LL LIGHT MINE WITH YOURS.

[sizzling]

THIS GIVING YOU ANY IDEAS?RUBBING THE TIPS TOGETHER.

- THAT DOESN'T SOUNDPLEASANT AT ALL,

BUT I'M TURNED ON ANYWAY.

I HAVEN'T SHAVED IN AWHILE,SO MY FACE IS ROUGH.

DO YOU LIKE IT ROUGH?

- DUDE, YOU KNOW IT.

- THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

HMM, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SEE.OH.

OH, THAT SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

HUH, I THINK WE CANFIND A USE FOR IT.

- [laughs]

I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOUTORTURE ME SEXUALLY

BEFORE I GIVE YOUA FULL-BODY RUBDOWN.

I DON'T WANT YOUPULLING SOMETHING.

WELL, I MIGHT WANT YOUPULLING ONE THING.

- [laughs]

OH, DON'T WORRYABOUT THE TATTOO.

IT'S JUST SOME TOP SECRETMUMBO JUMBO.

- NO PROBLEM.

I'M JUST GOING TO FOCUS ON THESEIMMACULATE GLUTES.

- AH! YEAH!

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOUTHAT YOUR FINGERS

FEEL LIKE THE KISSESOF TEN TINY NEWBORN BABIES?

- YES, ACTUALLY.

[dramatic music]

- MARK, I'M IN.

- THE CODE IS "YANKJOB 69."

ALL LOWERCASE.

- MARK, HURRY BACK!

I'M READY FOR YOUTO MASSAGE MY FRONT.

- CAN I LEAVE NOW?

- NO, WE DON'T WANT HIMTO FEEL SUSPICIOUS.

DO WHATEVER IT TAKESTO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE DOING THIS FORNEW YORK'S RIGHT TO POLLUTE.

- [growls]

DICK HERE, ISN'T EVEN A REAL MAN.

COME ON, HIS TESTICLES HAVE"MADE IN CHINA" STAMPED ON THEM.

- I CHANGED MY GENDERTO GO ON THIS MISSION

BECAUSE WE KNEW A MALE BODYWOULD BE MOST APPEALING TO YOU.

- OH, WE'RE PLENTYATTRACTED TO WOMEN.

TO SURVIVE AT THESE DEPTHS,YOU NEED A LOT OF TESTOSTERONE.

WOMEN WOULD DIE.

YOU HAVE SEXWITH THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU,

NOT THE PEOPLE YOU MAY WANTOR WISH TO HAVE SEX WITH

AT A LATER TIME.

- SO WHY NOT LEAVE?IF YOU'RE NOT GAY--

- BECAUSE ATLANTISIS A RENAISSANCE CITY.

WE'RE FREE TO STUDY ART,LITERATURE, AND SCIENCE.

WE SHOULD GIVE THAT UPJUST TO BE "STRAIGHT"?

EVEN AT THESE GREAT DEPTHS,YOU ARE SO SHALLOW.

- YOUR HIGHNESS,

WHEN I FOUND OUT MY GIRLFRIENDHAD BECOME A MAN,

I WANTED TO BREAK UP.

BUT I KNOW NOWIT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT MATTERS,

NOT THE PACKAGING.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

[crowd sighs]

WE'RE THE SAME,YOU AND ME.

I SEE THAT NOW.

PLEASE GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE.

WE WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

[slow clap begins]

[crowd cheers and claps]

- LET US USHER INA NEW ERA OF TRUST

WITH A TRADITIONALROLLING UP OF OUR TOGAS

ANDSHAKING OF EACH OTHER'S PENISES.

- WHOA.VERY FIRM GRIP, YOUR HIGHNESS.

- MM.GIRTHY.

[alarms sound]

- IT'S THE KRAKEN ALARM!

[crowd yells]BATTLE STATIONS!

- [roars]

- HEY, ATLANTIS.

BEFORE YOU DIE, KNOW THAT IT'STHE FRIENDS OF MARK LILLY

WHO SENT YOU TO YOUR GRAVE.

- THE D.O.I. HAS TEAMED UPWITH THE KRAKEN!

THIS WAS ALL A TRAP!

PULL THE PLUG!

- NO, THIS ISN'T A PLOT.

THEY'RE JUST STUPID!

[machinery creaks]

- [roars]

[ferocious growl]

- MARK, YOU'RE ALIVE.

- YES.AND YOU GUYS RUINED EVERYTHING.

WE WERE ON THE VERGE OF PEACE.

- ACTUALLY, NOW THAT THE DRAINIS CLOGGED WITH THE KRAKEN,

ATLANTIS HAS NO LEVERAGE.

WE CAN KEEP DUMPING GARBAGE

AND DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE THEMANY MORE PIZZA.

- EXCELLENT WORK, TEAM.

LET'S GO HOME.

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