CC Presents: Leo Allen

  • Season 12, Ep 6
  • 01/24/2008

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

WOW.

I-- I FEEL NO LONGER LIKEI NEED TO TRY.

- AH--- [LAUGHTER]

HEY, EVERYBODY.THANKS FOR COMING.

LET ME START OUT BYMAYBE ASKING YOU A QUESTION.

DO YOU EVER, UM,HAVE SOMEBODY GIVE YOU ADVICE

AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLEOF THEM GIVING YOU ADVICE,

YOU REALIZE THAT REALLY THEY'RE JUST GIVING THEMSELVES ADVICE

THROUGH YOU.MY FATHER DOES THISALL THE TIME.

HE CALLS ME UP. HE GOES,"LEO, LEO, LEAVE YOUR MOTHER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SERIOUSLY, SHE'S KILLING YOU.

LISTEN TO ME.DON'T WASTE ANOTHER 40 YEARS,

'CAUSE YOU COULD BE A DANCER.

- YOU HAVE A DANCER'S BODY.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHEN I HANG UPAND REMIND MYSELF I'M ADOPTED.

[LAUGHTER]

FINISHING THINGS.

SO I'M REALLY EXCITED,'CAUSE I'M VERY CLOSETO FINISHING A NOVEL

THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.SO THAT'S-- THANKS, AH...

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OH, THANKS, AH--

IT'S REALLY,REALLY EXCITING.IT'S TAKEN ME

A LONG TIME TO WRITE ITBECAUSE I'M TEXTING IT.

- AH...- [LAUGHTER]

IT'S ABOUT A YOUNG, AWKWARDCOUPLE WHO HOOKUP LATE AT NIGHT

-WHEN THEY KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T.- [LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW THAT THING,UM, IN LIFE, AH--

HOW YOU, AH,FEEL AWKWARD ALL THE TIME...

- RIGHT?- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YOU'D AH--[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YOU'D THINK IT WOULD GO AWAY,BUT, NO, IT JUST GETS WORSE

AS YOU GET OLDER.LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,

YOU EVER GO INTO A STORE AND YOUHAPPEN TO BE CARRYING SOMETHING

THAT THEY SELL IN THAT STORE,AND THEN START TO GET

ALL PARANOID THAT THEY'RE GONNATHINK THAT YOU STOLE IT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLYAT THE GUN STORE.

I TOTALLY PANICKEDAND OVER COMPENSATED.

I WAS LIKE"I HAD THIS WHEN I CAME IN HERE.

"GET DOWN ON THE GROUND.DON'T LOOK AT ME.

"PUT YOUR WALLET TO THE SIDE."

I WENT TO A 2-YEAR OLDS BIRTHDAYPARTY RECENTLY AND, YOU KNOW,

WHAT WITH PHOTOSHOPSO READILY AVAILABLE,

THERE'S NO REASON EVER

TO HAVE A PARTYFOR A 2-YEAR OLD.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE NOT GONNA KNOW, EVER.

IT'S NOT IN THEIRCONSCIOUS MEMORY.

AT WORST, WORST CASE SCENARIO,30 YEARS LATER,

YOU'LL HAVE AN AWKWARDCONVERSATION WITH YOUR

MIDDLE-AGED KID GOING--AND YOUR KID WILL GO,

"HEY, WHY DID WE HAVEMY SECOND BIRTHDAY PARTYAT THE PYRAMIDS OF GEZA?"

[LAUGHTER]

"THAT'S HOW MUCH WE LOVED YOU."AND BEING AT THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY

WAS AWKWARD ENOUGH FROMTHE FIRST MOMENT I GOT THERE,

BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSONI KNEW AT THE WHOLE PARTY

- WAS THE 2-YEAR OLD.- [LAUGHTER]

SO HE WAS JUST LOOKING AT ME,ASKING ME THESE

BORING BOURGEOIS QUESTIONS.

"WHY ARE YOU IN OUR HOUSE?

HOW DO YOU KNOW OUR SON?"

IT'S CALLED THE INTERNET.

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

- VEGETARIANS HERE?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- ANY VEGANS?- Woman: WOO!

BARELY HAVE THE ENERGYTO RESPOND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE-- I LOVE THATVEGANS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE

YOU'RE ALLOWEDTO MAKE FUN OF NOWADAYS.

EVEN VEGETARIANS ARE LIKE,"PFLT! STUPID VEGANS.

WHY DON'T YOU EAT SOMEMILK AND EGGS, YOU PUSSIES?"

ANYWAY, SO, WE'RE IN THEVEGETARIAN RESTAURANT,

WHICH IS FINE,EXCEPT FOR THE WHOLE TIME,I HAD TO LOOK OVER

MY FRIEND'S SHOULDER ATTHIS SIGN THEY HAD ON THE WALL.

AND THEY HAD FRAMED IT.I THINK THAT'SWHAT REALLY BUGGED ME.

AND THE SIGN SAID,

"IF ANIMALS COULD TALK,WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T EAT THEM."

COME ON. WE'RE ALREADYIN THE VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT.

IT MADE ME WANNA MAKEMY OWN SIGN AND HANG IT UP

RIGHT NEXT TO ITWITH A FRAME THAT SAID,

"IF VEGETABLES COULD TALK,WE'D FREAK THE [BLEEP] OUT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

IT MAKES THE SAME AMOUNTOF SENSE.

BABIES DON'T TALK.

BUT SOMEHOW I MANAGENOT TO EAT THEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEY LOOK DELICIOUS,

HMM, ESPECIALLY, WHEN THEY'RESMOTHERED IN THAT BABY SAUCE.

ALSO, EVEN IFANIMALS COULD TALK,

WOULDN'T WHETHER OR NOTWE ATE THOSE ANIMALS

BE CONTINGENT UPON WHAT THOSEANIMALS SAID, RIGHT?

LIKE IF WASWALKING DOWN THE STREETAND I WALKED BY AN EMUS,

YOU KNOW, THE OSTRICHOF THE SAVANNAH,

AND THAT EMUS TURNED TO MEAND WENT,

"I TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE."

AND THEN UTTERED SOMETHINGANTI-SEMITIC.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'D BE LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.I'M GONNA EAT YOUR BRAINS OUT

JUST TO TEACH YOU A LESSONABOUT TOLERANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT'CAUSE I HAPPEN TO BEWALKING DOWN THE STREET

- WITH ELIE WIESEL.- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

EVERY SUMMER I GO ON VACATION.AND WHAT I TRY TO DO THOUGH

IS I GO ON LIKE ANEDUCATIONAL VACATION,

'CAUSE I LIKE TO LEARN STUFF.AND LAST SUMMER

I WENT TO ISRAEL ANDI DID AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AH, SOME PEOPLEHAVE HEARD OF ISRAEL.

UM, IT'S REALLY BIGIN THE BIBLE. AND, AH--

WE WENT TO THISARCHAEOLOGICAL DIGNEAR THE DEAD SEA

AND WE ACTUALLY FOUND SOMEMISSING EXCERPTS OF THE BIBLE.

AND OUR GUIDEPUT THOSE EXCERPTS

PROBABLY IN THE BOOK OF EXODUS,CHAPTERS 28, 29.

AND I ACTUALLY BROUGHTA TRANSLITERATION.

I MEAN, THIS ISN'TTHE ACTUAL THING.

THAT WOULD BE INSANE.

BUT I BROUGHT A TRANSLITERATION.I'D LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.

THIS IS, WE BELIEVE,FROM THE BOOK OF EXODUS,

EITHER CHAPTER 28OR CHAPTER 29.

"WANDERING IN THE DESERT,MOSES AND AARON

"ENTERED INTO A PUBLIC HOUSEAND ORDERED SOME GROG.

"WHILE AARONSOUGHT OUT AN ENCAMPMENT,

"MOSES SAID TOTHE SERVING PERSON,

"'THE GOD OF ISRAELIS THE ONE, TRUE GOD.

"'THEREFORE, I WILLWAGER THAT I CAN RELIEVEMYSELF INTO THAT GOURD

"'WITH NOT ONE DROP FALLINGOUTSIDE OF THE CONTAINER.

"IF I FAIL,I WILL PAY YOU 50 SHECKLES.'

"THE SERVING PERSONACCEPTED THE WAGER,

"KNOWING IT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE.

"MOSES THEN ROSE UPONTO THE COUNTER

"AND RELIEVED HIMSELFALL OVER THE HOUSE.

"EVEN GETTING SOMEONTO THE SERVING PERSON.

"INTO HIS THICK BLACK BEARD

"AND NOT A SINGLE DROPINTO THE GOURD.

"AND THEN THEPHILISTINE SAID TO MOSES,

"'HALLELUJAH, AND PRAISE BA'AL.I HAVE WON 50 SHECKLES.'

"AND MOSES SAID UNTO HIM,'I TOO, REJOICE,

"'FOR I HAVE WAGEREDWITH MY BROTHER AARONFOR 500 SHECKLES,

"'THAT I COULDDEFILE YOUR SERVING HOUSEWITH MY WASTE WATER.

"YET STILL YOU WOULD REJOICE.'

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"AND WITH THATTHE SERVING PERSON ACCEPTEDTHE GOD OF ISRAEL

AS THE ONE, TRUE GOD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

LIKE, I HAD THAT HAP-

I WAS IN MY APARTMENTAND I WAS WATCHING

MY FAVORITE TELEVISION PROGRAM,

VH1'S TOP 100 MOSTWORTHLESS HOURS OF PROGRAMMING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I WANTED TO CHANGETHE CHANNEL BECAUSE I WAS ALIVE

AND I REALIZEDTHAT LIFE IS FINITE.

BUT I'M SITTING ON THE COUCHAND THE REMOTE CONTROL IS LIKE

TWO FEET AWAY,AND INSTEAD OF JUST GOINGLIKE-- BAM-- LIKE THAT.

DID YOU EVER DO THAT--I DID THAT STUPID THINGWHERE I WAS LIKE, OH,

I'LL JUST DO IT WITH MY FOOT.YEAH, YEAH I'LL CHANGE CHANNEL.

THIS'LL SAVE A LOT OF TIME.THIS'LL EXPEDITE THIS PROCESS.

BUT, WHAT WAS SCARY WAS,I DID IT FOR SO LONG

THAT THE SHOW I HATED ENDED.AND ANOTHER ONE CAME ON,

WHICH SHOOK ME OUT OFMY REVELRY. I WAS LIKE,OH, MY GOD.

I AM THE LAZIEST PERSONON EARTH.

THIS DOES NOT BODE WELLFOR LEO ALLEN.

SO THEN, TO TRY TOMAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER,I TRIED TO THINK OF,

WHAT'S THE LAZIEST THINGTHAT ANYBODY'S EVER DONE, EVER?

AND I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT.I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY

A YOUNG WOMAN,PROBABLY A TEEN-AGERLYING IN BED,

VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING,HER ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF.

LIKE [Alarm Sounding].SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD.

"WHY DID I SETMY ALARM FOR 6:30?

"OH, YEAH. I HAD AN APPOINTMENTTO GET AN ABORTION.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINKI'LL JUST KEEP THE BABY.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I DIDN'T WANNAGO TO COLLEGE ANYWAY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

A LOT OF PEOPLEAREN'T FANS OF THAT JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IN THAT JOKE,THE BABY LIVES.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WILL NOT KILL A BABYFOR COMEDY.

I NOTICED IT WHEN I WAS BUYINGBEER FOR MY 12-YEAR OLD FRIENDS.

I WAS LOOKING AT 'EM I WAS LIKE,

"I'M THE KINGOF THE 12-YEAR OLDS."

BUT THAT MADE ME KIND OF SAD'CAUSE I REALIZED

I'M ALWAYS GONNADRESS LIKE THIS.

LIKE IF I WAS GONNA CHANGE,I WOULDA CHANGED ALREADY.

BUT IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME.I MEAN, AT THIS POINT,

I SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE KIDSOF MY OWN THAT I ACKNOWLEDGE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T. IN FACT,I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY NEPHEWS.

AT LEAST NOT THAT I...KNOW OF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I FIGURED IT OUT.THIS IS WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'LL ALWAYS DRESS LIKE THIS.BUT SAY I HAVE A 4-YEAR OLD SON

AND WE'RE WALKING DOWNTHE STREET TOGETHER,

I'LL BE DRESSED LIKE THIS.BUT TO BALANCE IT OUT,

I'LL MAKE HIM WEARA 3-PIECE SUIT ANDCARRY A BRIEFCASE.

AND THAT WAY,WHEN SOME STRANGERWALKS UP TO US

ON THE STREET AND GOES,WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

I'M GONNA TRAIN MY SON TO SAY,"WE GOT HIT BY LIGHTENING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I'LL GO,"THINGS WITH MOMARE REALLY WEIRD."

DRINKING?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I THINK DRINKINGIS ACTUALLY FINE.

BUT ONE THING THAT ISPOTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS ABOUT IT

IS THAT DRINKING MAKES YOU THINKYOU'RE GOOD AT STUFF,

IT'S DANGEROUS TO THINKYOU'RE GOOD AT.

LIKE SAY, COMMUNICATING.OR DRINKING MORE.

OR DE-ARMING A POLICE OFFICER.

OR DIFFERENTIATING BETWEENMEN AND WOMEN.

OR GETTING INTO A FISTFIGHT WITHA GROUP OF PEOPLE ON HORSEBACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

STUFF YOU SHOULDN'T BEALL COCKY ABOUT,

UNLESS YOU KNOWYOU CAN PULL IT OFF.

IT WOULDN'T BE SO BADIF DRINKING MADE YOU THINKYOU'RE GOOD AT STUFF

THAT WAS MORE INNOCUOUS.LIKE SAY,

- ORIGAMI.- [LAUGHTER]

BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENS, NEVER.

NO ONE EVER WAKES UPREALLY HUNGOVER AND GOES,

"OH, MY GOD.

"OH! WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?

- "[GASPS]- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- "WHO MADE ALL THESE CRANES?- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THERE'S SOMETHINGBEAUTIFUL INSIDE OF ME."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO WHAT I'VE DONEIS I FIND IN MY LIFETHAT A LOT OF TIMES

YOU'RE IN A SITUATION,SOMETHING HAPPENS,

YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE HADSOMETHING FUNNY OR WITTY TO SAY.

BUT YOU NEVER THINK OF ITUNTIL WEEKS LATER.

THE FRENCH CALL IT-- LE ESPIRIT DE SCALIER.

BUT I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH.

- SO ANYWAY--- [LAUGHTER]

AH, WHAT I DID WAS,

I THOUGHT OF EVERY POSSIBLESITUATION THAT COULD OCCUR,

AND I PRE-WROTE MILLIONSOF THINGS FOR PEOPLE TO SAY.

SO MAYBE THESE WILL BEHELPFUL TO YOU AT SOME POINT.

I BROUGHT A FEW EXAMPLESHERE WITH ME TONIGHT.

I'M GONNA MOVE THISOUT OF THE WAY

'CAUSE I'M VERY PROFESSIONAL.

OKAY, HERE'S A COUPLE EXAMPLES,

OKAY, THIS ISWAY TOO MUCH BUILD UP.

OKAY. HERE'STHE FIRST EXAMPLE.

OKAY, SAY SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLYSHOOTS YOU WITH A CROSSBOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NORMALLY, YOU'D PROBABLYJUST BE LIKE, "OH, OW."

BUT IMAGINEHOW MUCH COOLER YOU'D SEEMIF YOU WENT,

"NICE SHOOTING, WILLIAM TELL!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN IF YOU KEEP GOINGJUST TO MESS WITH THEM MORE,

YOU COULD BE LIKE,"OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I'M SORRY FORMY SARCASTIC TONE...

"I GUESS I WAS KIND OF ASKINGTO GET SHOT WITH AN ARROW...

"WHAT WITH YOUHOLDING A CROSSBOW

"AND ME WITHAN APPLE ON MY HEAD.

"OH WAIT... I DON'T HAVEAN APPLE ON MY HEAD!!!

YOU FREAKING MANIAC!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OKAY. HERE'S THE NEXT EXAMPLE.

AND THIS ONEHAS HAPPENED TO METHREE TIMES.

MAYBE THIS HAS HAPPENEDTO SOME OF YOU.

DO YOU EVER GO TO THE STOREAND YOU GET YOUR CHANGE,

AND IT'S EXACTLY $6.66 ...IT'S FREAKY, ISN'T IT?

I JUST GO, AH.BUT IF THAT EVERHAPPENS TO YOU,

LOOK THE CLERKRIGHT IN THE EYE, AND GO,"YE AVAST YE SATAN!

"YE SHAIN'T BE HAVINGMY SOUL THIS MORN'!!!

AND KEEP YE CHANGE,YOU FILTHY DEMON!!!"

AND THEN THROW WHATEVERYOU BOUGHT AT THE CLERK

AND RUN OUT OF THE STORE CRYING.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YOU'LL BE A LEGEND. ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, THIS FINAL ONEIS VERY SAD.

THIS HAS HAPPENED TO MEACTUALLY, RECENTLY.

AND I HOPE--I TRULY HOPE THIS HAS NEVERHAPPENED TO ANYBODY HERE

IN THIS AUDIENCE.DO YOU EVER SAY, "I LOVE YOU"

TO SOMEONE AND THEY DON'T SAY"I LOVE YOU" BACK?

IT'S TERRIBLE, RIGHT,AWFUL, THE WORST.

BUT MAYBE A LITTLE LESS AWFULIF WITHOUT HESITATION

YOU LOOK THEMRIGHT IN THE EYE AND GO,

"I WORK FOR A SECRETGOVERNMENT ORGANIZATION.

"I CAN'T TELL YOU ABOUT IT,BUT I LEAVE TOMORROW.

"YOU WILL NEVERHEAR FROM ME AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I THOUGHT YOU WORKEDFOR THE ORGANIZATION, ALSO,

"THAT IS WHYI USED THE CODE PHRASE,'I LOVE YOU.'

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"I KNOW NOW THATYOU DON'T WORK FOR US,

"BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SAYTHE CORRECT RESPONSE WHICH IS:

"'I LOVE YOU TOO.YOU'RE AN AMAZING PERSON,

"AND TREAT ME RIGHT. THEREFORE,

"I'LL ACT LIKE A HUMAN BEINGAND RESPOND TO THAT,

BECAUSE I AM NOTA COLDHEARTED BITCH."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"IF AWKWARD SILENCEHAD BEEN THE CODE WORD,

"YOU WOULD BE ABOUT TO EMBARKON THE ADVENTURE OF A LIFETIME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"BUT INSTEAD,A TEAM OF ASSASSINS

"WILL KILL YOUAND YOUR FAMILY WITHINTHE NEXT 24 HOURS...

"...AND TAKE BACKTHE CDs I LENT YOU.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

GOODBYEFOREVER."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

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