The A-List
Season 1

Brett Butler & Nick Dipaolo

  • Season 1, Ep 0137
  • 02/24/1992

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS

CHINESE COSMETOLOGYHAS INVESTED IN BEAUTY.

AND NOW, IN THE 21st CENTURY,IT IS PAYING OFF.

WHOO, GLISTENING, BEAUTIFUL.

TONIGHT IS A CHINESE THEME,OR SHOULD WE SAY ASIAN

BECAUSE I HAVE DEEP RESPECTFOR THE ASIAN CULTURE.

YES, WE SHOULD, THANK YOU.

BECAUSE WE ARE, AFTER ALL,ON THE PACIFIC RIM.

PACIFIC RIM SHOT.

( drum roll noise )

WE LOVE THE WORD "RIM."

IT'S AN ALL-PURPOSE WORD.

WHOA!

BUT WE REALLY SHOULDEMBRACE THE ASIAN CULTURE

BECAUSE LOS ANGELES HAD...

I LOVE THE WAY YOU'RE AGREEING

BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU

LIKE A SPECIALISTIN MULTICULTURAL ACTIVITIES?

SHE HAS A WHOLE THING GOING.

SHE'S GOING,"YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

"POLITICAL CORRECTNESSIS DEFINITELY

THE THEME OF THE EVENING."

AND I AGREE, IT IS.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE OF,MAYBE, SOUTH AMERICAN DESCENT.

Woman:LATIN.

LATIN, YES.

WELL, I GOT SPECIFIC...I GOT PACIFIC RIM ON YOU.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

Woman:NEW MEXICO.

NEW MEXICO, OKAY.

YOU'RE INVOLVING THE NEWESTOF THE LATIN CULTURES.

NEW MEXICO.

( applause )

WELL, I HAVE A FONDNESS FOR THELATINO THING, SO... OF COURSE.

AND YOUR NAILS

WHICH I MIGHT ADD ARE ADDING NEWDIMENSION TO THE LATIN CULTURE.

OH, THE ASIANS DO IT.

ISN'T THAT JUST TYPICAL OFTHE LATINS TO ABUSE THE ASIANS.

YOU SEE, TYPICAL...

WE'LL GET INTOALL THE RACES TONIGHT.

THE RAISHES, OH...

BUT UM... I AM ONE.

I KNOW I LOOK LIKE A LESBIANART TEACHER FROM SANTA CRUZ

IN THIS OUTFIT, BUT...

I'M NOT A LESBIAN;I CAN'T EVEN DO IMPROV.

( laughter )

IT'S SO STRANGE TO BE HERE.

I DO LIVE IN NEW YORK.

THAT'S ALL COMEDIANS SAY.

I MAKE TRIPS OUT HEREWHEN I HAVE TO.

THANK YOU,A FEW ASHAMED CLAPPERS.

AND IT IS WEIRD HERE.

I'M WAY TOO TAN,BUT THE BLONDE FITS, I THINK.

I'VE BEEN A BLONDEFOR THIS LONG, AND IT SHOWS.

THE OTHER NIGHT I THOUGHT IWASN'T DOING WELL IN A CLUB

AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME THATA LOT OF THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM

WERE INDEED FROM BEVERLY HILLS.

I CALL THEM THE LIZARD WOMEN.

YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHO'VE HADSO MUCH COSMETIC SURGERY

THEY'RE NO LONGER BIODEGRADABLE.

THEIR NECKS START TO GETLIKE THIS AFTER AWHILE.

THEY LOOK LIKEGIANT KOMODO DRAGONS

WITH CHANEL ACCESSORIES.

"I'D LOVE TO LAUGHAT YOUR LITTLE JOKES

"BUT MY STITCHESWILL FLY EVERYWHERE.

"TELL HER, EUNICE, THE OTHERNIGHT I LET LOOSE A GUFFAW

AND MY BREASTS FLEWCLEAR ACROSS THE ROOM."

I FEEL SO DRESSED DOWN, TOO.

THEY'RE IN THE CROWD;I CAN SPOT THEM.

THEY'RE THE ONES WHO AREALWAYS LOOKING AT ME LIKE

"SWEETHEART,IF YOU'D JUST ACCESSORIZE."

JUST THE FLIP SIDE OF THE MIDDLEAMERICA RESPONSE I GET

WHEN I'M ON THE ROADAND GUYS ARE LIKE

"SOMEBODY TEACH YOUHOW TO MAKE BISCUITS

YOU WOULDN'T BE UP THEREDOING THAT CRAP, WOULD YOU?"

I'M A RECOVERED SOUTHERNER;I ESCAPED EIGHT YEARS AGO.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

WHEN I WAS IN NEW YORKLESS THAN THREE MONTHS

I STOPPED A MUGGING-- A PROBABLYUNWISE MANEUVER EVEN HERE.

AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

IT WAS ON TIMES SQUAREON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON

AND I SEE THIS...HE LOOKS LIKE JOHNNY WINTERS

EXCEPT WITH NEEDLE MARKSCOMING TOWARDS ME

REALLY JUNKIE ALBINO.

AND HE WAS HOLDING UPA GIANT SCIENTOLOGY POSTER.

AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS, GOD,I HOPE HE STAYS WITH THE HEROIN.

AND THEN I REALIZED HE WAS USINGTHE POSTER TO HIDE THE FACT

THAT HE HAD HIS ARM DOWNIN A LITTLE OLD LADY'S PURSE.

AND THE FIRST THING I DO IS...

I'M THREE FEET AWAY FROM HIM

AND I GO, "GET OUTOF HER PURSE RIGHT NOW."

AND HE DIDAND CAME FLYING AT ME.

AND THESE GUYS ON THE STREET

PULL HIM AWAY,THROW HIM AGAINST THE WALL.

I'M STANDING THERE THINKING

I'VE ONLY BEEN IN NEW YORKFOR THREE MONTHS

AND I'M MAKING ITA BETTER PLACE IN WHICH TO LIVE.

AND THEN THE COP GETS THERE,LISTENS TO THE STORY--

THIS IS TRUE--COMES OVER TO ME AND GOES

"IS THIS TRUE WHAT THEYTELL ME WHAT YOU DID?"

I WENT, "YES, OFFICER, IT IS."

"IF YOU WERE MY WIFE,I'D BREAK YOUR NECK."

"WHY?"

"YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE HASA GUN OR A KNIFE

"HE'S GOING TO SLIT YOUR THROAT.

"LET HIM STEALTHE OLD BROAD'S PURSE.

IT'LL KEEP HER OUT OF MIDTOWNWHERE SHE DON'T BELONG."

"UM, ANDY GRIFFITH WOULDFIRE YOU SO FAST."

( laughter )

THIS UNWRITTEN"HE NEEDED KILLING" LAW

IMPLYING THAT IF TWO PEOPLEARE INVOLVED IN AN ALTERCATION

AND THE ONE WHO DIESAS A RESULT IS A JERK

THEN THE ONE WHO KILLED HIMCAN GET OFF.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW THINLYPOPULATED NEW YORK WOULD BE

WERE THAT TO GOINTO EFFECT THERE?

I HAVE IN MINDA WHOLE BATCH OF WOMEN

WHO SPRAY COLOGNE ON US AGAINSTOUR WILL IN DEPARTMENT STORES.

THAT CHAPS MY BUTT, I HATE THAT.

I TRY AND BE NICE.

I GO, "LOOK,I KNOW IT'S YOUR JOB

"BUT IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEPTOWARDS ME WITH THAT ATOMIZER

I WILL PULL OUT A LIGHTERAND PUT IT ON HIGH."

THEN YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEMRETRACE BASIC CHEMISTRY LIKE

"UH-OH!"

I ALWAYS THOUGHT "UH-OH"WAS SO APT FOR IMMOLATION.

AND THEY DON'T EVENHAVE TO SELL ANYTHING.

THEY THINK THAT IF THEY SAYTHE NAME OF THE COLOGNE

WE'LL BE EDIFIEDIN SOME TRANSCENDENTAL WAY

WHEN THEY COME OVERAND GO, "OBSESSION."

"SHUT UP."

"YOU'RE 17, I'M 34.

"YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT OBSESSION IS YET.

"IT AIN'T IN A BOTTLE.

"COME OVER HERE,LITTLE BABY-SITTER

"I WILL TELL YOUWHAT OBSESSION IS.

"OBSESSION IS ROAMINGAROUND THE BUSHES

"OUTSIDE OF A MARRIED MAN'SHOUSE AT MIDNIGHT

"WITH A MACHETE IN ONE HAND

"AND A JAR OF VICKS VAPORUBIN THE OTHER.

"NOW GO TELL YOUR DADDY THAT.

AND TELL HIM TO CALL ME."

( laughter and applause )

HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,"SHE SCARES ME."

OKAY, UM... I'M HAPPILY MARRIED.

THERE'S A LITTLE QUIET CORNERIN HELL.

I DID,I MARRIED A SWEET NEW YORKER.

MY HUSBAND'S JEWISH-- NICEJEWISH BOY, HE'LL NEVER BEAT ME.

HE WON'T TIE ME UPLIKE I WANT HIM TO, BUT...

GOD LOVE HIM.

OH, STOP, PLEASE.

I DID, I HAD A FIRST MARRIAGE.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT MAKESTHIS ONE WORK SO WELL.

I WAS MARRIEDWHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG.

WELL, I WAS 20--THAT'S YOUNG HERE.

IN GEORGIA, I WAS A SPINSTER.

I WAS MARRIED TO A REDNECKFROM MACON, GEORGIA.

I'M SORRY, CAN YOU NOTSAY REDNECK ANYMORE?

IS THAT NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT?

I WILL ELABORATE.

I WAS MARRIED TO A SUBLITERATE,TERRA-COTTA-TOOTHED IMBECILE

WITH VIOLENT TENDENCIES.

WAIT, OTHER WORDSARE COMING TO MIND.

I WAS MARRIED TO A SIMIAN,KNUCKLE-DRAGGING, COUSIN-DATING

NOSE-PICKING, TRAILER-DWELLING,DOG-SELLING, MOTHER-LOVING

BRAINLESS AMOEBAON THE BOOGER FARM OF THE BAYOU.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINKTHAT WAS EXCESSIVE OR CRUEL

I ASSURE YOU MY EX-HUSBAND

DOES NOT UNDERSTANDHYPHENATED REFERENCES.

I HAVE TO DO SHOWSDOWN THAT WAY.

THEY HAVE A CLUBIN MACON, GEORGIA.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE--

THE AUDIENCES, OR THE GUYS WHOHAVE TO OPEN FOR ME DOWN THERE.

I WENT DOWN THEREON OPENING NIGHT.

THE OPENING ACT

WAS BELCHING THE THEME SONGTO "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND."

OH, THE AUDIENCEWAS REALLY ANGRY.

THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY, WE CAMEHERE TO LAUGH, NOT TO THINK."

AND I HAVE A FEELINGI WON'T WORK THERE AGAIN.

I GET ALONG WITH HER REAL WELL.

NOW THAT I'M OLD ENOUGHTO HAVE CHILDREN

I'M REGRETTING VIRTUALLYEVERYTHING I SAID TO HER

TILL I WAS 30.

I FEEL SO BAD, MY MOTHERIS LESS THAN FIVE FEET TALL

SO WHEN SHE GOT MAD,IT WAS TRULY COMICAL.

YOU HAD TO FIGHT THE URGETO LAUGH AT HER

WHILE SHE WAS SCREAMING AT YOU.

THIS IS AS MADAS MY MOTHER EVER GOT.

THIS IS MY MOTHER KICKING BUTT.

( quaveringly: )"Y'ALL, QUIT."

( laughter )

"DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR."

"MAMA, YOU'RE NOT IN THE CAR.

YOU'RE IN THE HAMMOCK WITHA JELLY GLASS FULL OF SCOTCH."

THEN SHE'D SAY, "WAITTILL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME."

LIKE, "MAMA, IT'S BEENEIGHT YEARS."

AREN'T YOUTHE WELL-ADJUSTED LITTLE LOT?

OKAY.

I TURNED 30 SEVERAL YEARS AGO.

AND I LIKE BEING 30.

I KNOW IT MUST SEEM...I AM RELAXED TONIGHT.

I JUST DISCOVERED AN ALTERNATEUSE FOR MY SHOWER MASSAGE.

I LOVE DOING THAT.

THERE'S ALWAYS LIKE ONE GUYLOOKING AT HIS WIFE LIKE

"IS THAT WHY THAT THING'S ALWAYSON PULSE WHEN I GET HOME?"

YOU'RE TOO HIP TO HOP, HONEY,I GOT TO TELL YOU.

YOU ARE SO COOL,I CAN'T STAND IT.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, ACCORDING TO THE ARTICLES

I REACH MY SOCIAL PEAKIN A YEAR OR SO

WHICH SCARES ME NOW,AND MEN DO WHEN THEY'RE 18

AND WHAT A HEINOUS TRICKFROM GOD THIS WAS.

NOW THE ONLY TIME TO HAVE FUN

IS WHEN I GOTO THE GROCERY STORE

AND THERE'S THAT LITTLE16-YEAR-OLD BAGGING GROCERIES

WITH THE BOW TIE AND THE APRONAND BUNS LIKE A MUFFIN TIN.

I JUST GO UP TO THEM AND GO,"COME HERE, I COULD HURT YOU."

THE BEST PART IS I YELL BACKAT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS NOW.

THAT IS SO GREAT.

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE 20,AND YOU WALK BY

YOU'RE FILLEDWITH THAT YOUTHFUL INDIGNATION

THAT "STOP IT,THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.

THIS IS FOR MY BELOVED."

NOW I GO IN, AND I'M LIKE

"WHAT? WHAT?

"YOU WANT TO DO WHATWITH ME IN THAT WHEELBARROW?

"YOU WANT ME TO BETHE WHEELBARROW?

OH, ALL RIGHT."

AND YOU HAVEN'T LIVED

IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE A NEW YORKCONSTRUCTION WORKER BLUSH EITHER

BECAUSE THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "LADY, I GOTTO PUT UP A BUILDING."

I'VE BEEN LIVING IN NEW YORKTHE PAST THREE YEARS.

JUST MOVED OUT HERE TO L.A.

AND I MOVED OUT HERE TO GET AWAYFROM THE WEIRDOS IN NEW YORK.

I MOVED TO VENICE BEACH, SO...

PEOPLE IN VENICE BEACH MAKETHE PEOPLE IN TIMES SQUARE

LOOK LIKE THE AMISH, YOU KNOW.

I WAS ACTUALLY KICKED OFFTHE BEACH BY A COP YESTERDAY

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'THAVE NIPPLE CLAMPS ON ME.

IT'S MY KIND OF PLACE.

GIRLS IN ROLLER SKATESAND STRINGS UP THEIR BUTTS...

YEAH, THIS SUCKS; I HATE THIS.

GOOD ROCK IN L.A.

A LOT OF PLACESTO WATCH LIVE ROCK 'N' ROLL.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTEDTO DO ORIGINALLY

BECAUSE THAT'S WHEREALL THE REAL MONEY IS.

THE GILLETTE COMPANY OFFEREDZZ TOP, THE ROCK GROUP

SIX MILLION BUCKSTO SHAVE THEIR BEARDS

ON A NATIONAL TV COMMERCIAL,AND THEY TURNED IT DOWN.

HEY, FOLKS,FOR SIX MILLION BUCKS

I'D LET SOME GUYWITH A NERVOUS CONDITION

SHAVE MY ASS WITH A BOLO KNIFE.

YEAH, GIVE KATHARINE HEPBURNTHREE CUPS OF BLACK COFFEE

LET HER CHASE ME WITHA WEED WHACKER FOR A HALF HOUR.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

"COME HERE, YOU, I'LL GET YOU."

AND THEIR QUOTE IS

"MONEY ISN'T IMPORTANT,IT'S OUR HEALTH THAT COUNTS."

ANYBODY BELIEVE YOUR HEALTHIS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY?

IT'S NOT TRUE, IS IT?

OH, COME ON, MISS.

IT IS?

I DON'T SEE TOO MANYBEAUTIFUL WOMEN GOING

"JEEZ, SHOULD I SLEEPWITH BILL IN THE PORSCHE

OR DAVE WITH LOW CHOLESTEROL?"

RINGS A BELL,DOESN'T IT, LADIES?

YES, YEAH.

EVER TRY TO BUY SOMETHINGWITH YOUR HEALTH?

"HOW WOULD YOU LIKETO PAY FOR THAT, SIR?"

"IN SIT-UPS."

YOU LIVE IN FAST FOOD PLACES--SUB SHOPS AND DELIS.

AND I LOVE THAT FOOD, FOLKS

BUT WHERE DO THEYHIRE THE PEOPLE

THAT WORK IN THESE PLACES?

HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKETO GET A SANDWICH?

HOW COME THEY ALWAYS GETTHAT TRAINEE

WHO COMES OUT FROM THE BACK ROOMWITH A PLUNGER IN HIS HAND?

"OH, YEAH, THE TOILETS ARE DONE,WHAT NEXT, BOSS?"

THE MANAGER GOES,"MAKE THAT GUY A SANDWICH."

KID LOOKS AT ME,"CAN I HELP YOU?"

"YEAH, YOU CAN STARTBY BOILING YOUR HANDS.

"I REALLY DON'T CAREFOR THE RHINOVIRUS IN MY TUNA.

I'M KIND OF A FUSSY... THANKS."

THIS KID SAYS TO ME TODAY,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I SAID, "I'LL HAVEA TUNA FISH SANDWICH."

AND THE KID ASKS ME

"WOULD YOU LIKE MAYONNAISEMIXED IN WITH THAT?"

"UH, NO, THAT WOULDMAKE THE SANDWICH

MUCH TOO MOIST AND DELICIOUS."

( laughter )

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANY ROAD SALTOR BROKEN GLASS

YOU COULD THROWIN THERE, GENIUS?"

THE KID SAYS TO ME,"IS THIS FOR HERE OR TO GO?"

AND THERE'S NO TABLESAND CHAIRS IN THE PLACE.

"OH, I'LL JUST LAY ON THE FLOORAND EAT IT, THANKS.

"ACTUALLY, I GOT SOME PATIOFURNITURE IN THE TRUNK.

"LET ME GET THE UMBRELLA OUT.

WE'LL START THE CAFERIGHT HERE."

I LIVE ON THE ROAD;I LIVE IN RESTAURANTS.

I HAVE THE WORST LUCK.

I ALWAYS GET THE DIRTYSILVERWARE IN A RESTAURANT.

I ALWAYS GET THAT BUTTER KNIFE

LOOKS LIKE IT WAS USEDIN A HOMICIDE THAT AFTERNOON.

IT'S GOT DRIED BLOODAND HAIR ON IT.

I'M TRYING TO FINISH MY MEAL

AND QUINCY'S ROPING OFFTHE NON-SMOKING SECTION.

WHAT'S WITH THE HAIRON THE FOOD, FOLKS?

EVERYWHERE I GO,I GET HAIR ON MY FOOD.

I WENT TO A RESTAURANTLAST WEEK

TWO HAIRS IN MY SOUP,TWO IN MY LETTUCE.

THE WAITRESS COMES OUT,"CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ELSE?"

"YEAH, HOW ABOUT A COMBFOR THE SALAD?

"WHAT'S THE HOUSE DRESSING,MINOXIDIL?

"I ORDERED ROMAINE, NOT ROGAINE,TAKE THIS BACK, WILL YOU?

"WHERE'S THE HEAD CHEF FROM,CHERNOBYL?

PUT A HAT ON HIM,FOR CHRIST'S SAKE."

THEY'RE DOING BIKINI WAXINGIN THE KITCHEN.

( imitates motor )

"OH, RIGHT IN THE SOUP.

"OH, THEY CAN'T SEE IT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, BILL."

STAYED IN A PLACE IN NEW JERSEYWITH... ACTUALLY TOO FANCY.

THEY LEAVE CHOCOLATE ON YOURPILLOW BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

WHO STARTED THIS?

I THINK FOUR OUTOF FIVE DENTISTS

RECOMMEND A ZAGNUT BARBEFORE YOU HIT THE SACK.

I SLEEP PRETTY WELL

WITH FIVE POUNDS OF SUGARRUNNING THROUGH MY BLOODSTREAM.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME

A VIAL OF CRACK AND A POTOF BLACK COFFEE ON THE PILLOW?

IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING

I'M SO WOUND UP, I'M DOINGGROUT WORK IN THE BATHROOM.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE MY STAYMORE PLEASANT AT A HOTEL

WHY DON'T YOU START

BY REMOVING THAT JET ENGINEFROM THE AIR CONDITIONER?

EVER TRY TO SLEEP IN A HOTEL

WITH THE AIR CONDITIONERON HIGH?

IT'S LIKE ( imitates engine ).

WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,IT'S TWO DEGREES IN YOUR ROOM.

YOU GOT WALT DISNEYLAYING NEXT TO YOU.

HEY, IT'S FREEZING IN HERE.

EITHER THAT OR THEY PUMP THATREAL DRY HEAT INTO YOUR ROOM.

YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING

THE INSIDE OF YOUR NOSEIS LIKE A BOX OF TRISCUITS.

YOU GET THAT LITTLE WHISTLEIN YOUR NOSE.

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

I GOT ZAMFIR,MASTER OF THE PAN FLUTE

CUTTING AN ALBUM IN MY SINUSES.

YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE,IT GETS LOUDER.

YOU'RE LIKE ( whistles ).

SOUNDS LIKE MARIAH CAREYSTEPPED IN A BEAR TRAP.

WHAT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW?

THE NICE PLACES, THEY PAMPER YOUTOO MUCH, YOU KNOW.

THIS MAID COMESTO MY DOOR 8:00 AT NIGHT.

"YOU LIKE ME TO TURNYOUR BED DOWN FOR YOU?"

WHY, IS IT TOO LOUD?WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE COMES IN,SHE PULLS THE SHEETS BACK.

"WELL, HEY, THANKS A LOAD.

I COULDN'T HAVE FIGUREDTHAT OUT MYSELF."

I MEAN, ARE PEOPLE HAVINGPROBLEMS WITH THIS?

THERE'S SOME GUY IN HIS ROOM

"YEAH, THIS IS BILL IN 307,YEAH, I CAN'T GET INTO MY BED.

"IT'S STILL MADE.

I CAN'T FIND AN OPENING ANYWHERE."

HOW COME YOU CAN'T GET

AN ADULT-SIZE BAR OF SOAPIN A HOTEL?

EVER TRY TO WASH YOUR ASSWITH HOTEL SOAP?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE DAVIDCOPPERFIELD, THE MAGICIAN.

HEY, LOOK, KIDS, IT'S GONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'M LEAVING HOWARD JOHNSON'S

I GOT A TRAIL OF SUDSCOMING OUT OF MY PANT LEG.

I WAS STAYING IN A HOTELLAST WEEK.

THE LADY NEXT DOOR TO MEHAD A DOG WITH A COAT ON IT.

YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE, THESE...

THEY TAKE THEIR PETSTHAT SERIOUS.

THEY GO OUT AND BUY ITHATS AND SHOES AND STUFF.

WE TAKE PETS TOO SERIOUSIN THIS COUNTRY.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVEDOGGY KENNELS ANYMORE.

YOU SEE THIS ON CNN?

WE GOT DOGGY HOTELS.

WE GOT PEOPLE SLEEPINGON THE STREETS IN THIS COUNTRY

YET SOMEWHERE THERE'S A POODLEPISSED OFF BECAUSE A MAID

DIDN'T LEAVE A LIV-A-SNAPON HIS PILLOW LAST NIGHT.

"HEY, YOU NEED TOWELS IN THERE?"

( barking )

"OH, I DIDN'T SEE THEDO NOT DISTURB SIGN, I'M SORRY."

I LOVE ANIMALS, FOLKS

BUT I HATE THESEANIMAL ACTIVISTS.

WE GOT PEOPLE BREAKING INTOLABORATORIES AND STEALING PETS.

WE DO EXPERIMENTS ON ANIMALSFOR A REASON--

TO PROLONG OUR LIFE.

IF HOOKING A MONKEY'S BRAIN UPTO A CAR BATTERY

IS GOING TO SAVE SOMEBODYFROM DYING OF AIDS IN TEN YEARS

I GOT TWO THINGS TO SAY--

THE RED IS POSITIVE,AND THE BLACK IS NEGATIVE, OKAY?

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