IN NEW YORK.
LOVE LIVIN' IN NEW YORK;
NO PLACE LIKE IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE FAMILY IN VIRGINIA.
WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO NEW YORK
THEY WERE LIKE, "GIRL, YOU--
NEW YORK?
YOU BETTER BUY A GUN!"
THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER SAY.
"YOU OUGHTA BUY A GUN."
I WAS LIKE "I AIN'T BUYING
A GUN.
THAT'S STUPID.
NEW YORK AIN'T ALL LIKE PEOPLE
THINK.
YOU KNOW."
"NO, NO. YOU GOTTA BUY A GUN."
HE EVEN TOLD ME THE TYPE OF GUN
TO BUY.
YEAH.
I WENT TO LOOK FOR THIS GUN,
THIS GUN COST $400.
MAN, IF I SPEND $400 FOR A GUN,
I'M SHOOTING SOMEBODY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I AM NOT LETTING A $400 GUN
GO TO WASTE.
AND I KNOW ME.
I GET ANNOYED EASILY, YOU KNOW.
SO I'M THE WRONG PERSON TO HAVE
A GUN.
I MEAN, I WILL SHOOT PEOPLE IN
MY HOUSE THAT I INVITED OVER.
(LAUGHTER)
"WHAT YOU SAY?
OH, THAT'S STUPID.
WHERE THE HELL'S MY GUN?
NO, NO, NO.
DON'T GO NOWHERE.
LET ME SHOOT YOUR ASS FIRST."
HAVING ME.
EXCITED TO BE HERE.
I GOT MY HAIR CUT FOR THE SHOW.
HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
WENT TO SUPER CUTS.
I SAID, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE
BON JOVI'S BROKE COUSIN,
THANKS."
(LAUGHTER)
WELL, ANOTHER NIGHTMARE DAY
IN TRAFFIC FOR ME.
MAN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU OWN A
MINI-VAN, WILL YOU DRIVE IT INTO
A BRICK WALL FULL SPEED NO AIR
BAG.
I AM SO SICK OF BEING PINNED
BEHIND YOUR LUMBERING ASS AS YOU
TOTTER OUT OF THE SUBURBS
LOOKING FOR A SOCCER PRACTICE
AND AN OLIVE GARDEN.
GO!
BEEP, BEEP.
OUR KID'S ON THE HONOR ROLL.
BRRRRRRRRR.
IT'S FULLY DOCUMENTED ON THE
REAR BUMPER.
BRRRRRRR.
THERE ARE TWO PERFECT KIDS IN
THE BACK SEAT, MEGAN AND HUNTER.
AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS?
WHAT HAPPENED TO GOOD NAMES?
YOU TELL ME IN THE LAST 5 YEARS
ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN INTRODUCED
TO A BABY NAMED LARRY?
HUH?
(LAUGHTER)
BRING ME BABY LARRY.
SHOW ME A BABY GLEN.
WHO YOU GONNA BUY TOOLS FROM
IN THE FUTURE, HUH?
TRAVIS?
"HEY, TRAVIS, CAN I GET A BUZZ
SAW FROM YA?"
"EEEEE.
WHAT'S THAT?
EEEEEEE!"
(LAUGHTER)
WE'RE RAISING THIS OVERLY
COMFORTABLE CULTURE.
I HAD TO SELL MY CAR 'CAUSE
I DIDN'T HAVE A CUP HOLDER.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
PEOPLE WERE HELPLESS.
"WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE DRINK,
MAN?
THERE'S NO PLASTIC ROUND THING
FOR MY BEVERAGE.
I'M GONNA HAVE A SEIZURE IF I
DON'T FIND A CUP HOLDER IN ABOUT
NINE SECONDS."
HEY, WELL TRY THIS.
WE USED THIS IN THE OLD DAYS.
I BROUGHT THIS DOWN FROM ANOTHER
PLANET.
PEOPLE NEED TO SIMPLIFY THEIR
LIVES, MAN.
TOO COMPLICATED OUT THERE.
I'M GONNA GET RID OF MY HOME
COMPUTER.
I'VE HAD IT.
IT DOESN'T WORK, MAN.
IF YOU HAD A CAR YOU HAD TO STOP
AND START THAT CAR FOUR TIMES
BEFORE YOU GOT TO THE STORE,
WOULD THAT BE A GOOD CAR?
JUST EVERY QUARTER MILE YOU GOT
TO GET OUT AND RE-BOOT THE
ENGINE.
I'VE GOTTA RE-BOOT!"
MY COMPUTER'S WHERE THE MONEY
IS, MAN.
BILL GATES MADE 58 BILLION
LAST YEAR.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT IS?
TWICE WHAT I SPENT ON VIDEO
POKER.
(LAUGHTER)
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A COMPLETE
FINANCIAL FAILURE.
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY DAD
WROTE ON MY BIRTHDAY CARD.
(LAUGHTER)
MY DAD'S GOT A DICTIONARY FROM
1900.
IN 1900 THE WORD 'EJACULATE',
NEVERMIND WHY I WAS LOOKING
IT UP.
(LAUGHTER)
IT USED TO MEAN 'TO EXCLAIM OR
SPEAK LOUDLY IN A PUBLIC PLACE.'
THAT'S TRUE.
'CAUSE I CAN REMEMBER READING IN
THE HARDY BOY'S MYSTERY NOVELS,
LITTLE KID'S BOOKS "LOOK OUT,
JOE!
FRANK EJACULATED."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S KIND OF AN ODD RESPONSE.
"LOOK OUT, JOE!"
BRUMMMMMMMMMMMM.
"JESUS, FRANK!
I WOULD HAVE DUCKED!
MAN, YOU ARE A HARDY BOY!"
THANKS A LOT.
THIS IS AWESOME.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M IN NEW YORK.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO SAY THANKS.
THANK YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YES.
I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING KINDA
STRANGE HAPPENED TO ME AS I WAS
COMING HERE TONIGHT.
I HAD THIS GUY COME UP TO ME
AND SAY, "YOU LOOK LIKE A BLACK
REVOLUTIONARY."
I SAID, THANKS 'CAUSE I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD BECAUSE IF
YOU KNOW ME AT ALL I'M ALL ABOUT
WHITE POWER.
(LAUGHTER)
I'M JUST KIDDING.
NO, IT REALLY-- IT--.
IT KIND OF PISSED ME OFF A
LITTLE BIT BECAUSE I DO WANT
TO BE A REVOLUTIONARY BUT I
CAN'T 'CAUSE I'M TOO LAZY.
SO IT'S A GOOD THING THAT I
DIDN'T GROW UP IN THE '60s CAUSE
I KNOW THAT I WOULD HAVE HELD
THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT BACK.
I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE AT THE
MARTIN LUTHER KING RALLY GOING.
"UM, EXCUSE ME, DR. KING, BUT I,
TOO, HAVE A DREAM.
AND IN MY DREAM WE DON'T WALK
50 MILES IN THE HOT SUN.
WHILE AN ANGRY WHITE MOB THROWS
(BLEEP) AT US.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
WE DON'T MARCH BECAUSE IT'S VERY
TIRING.
I THINK MY FAVORITE HERO FROM
THAT ERA WOULD HAVE TO BE
ROSA PARKS.
I LOVE HER.
AND SHE HAS BEEN A HUGE SOURCE
OF INSPIRATION IN MY LIFE.
BASICALLY BECAUSE SHE WAS ABLE
TO GALVANIZE AN ENTIRE NATION
SIMPLY BY NOT GETTING UP.
(APPLAUSE)
YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
ALL RIGHT, I HAVE A LITTLE
CONFESSION TO MAKE.
THE OTHER REASON WHY I PROBABLY
WOULDN'T MAKE THE MOST
CONVINCING BLACK REVOLUTIONARY
IS THAT BOTH OF MY PARENTS ARE
WHITE.
AND I HAVE FOUND THAT IT'S HARD
TO FIGHT THE POWER WHEN THE
POWER PAYS YOUR RENT.
YEAH.
YOU DON'T GET THAT MUCH
CREDIBILITY.
OH, BY THE WAY, I'M ADOPTED.
I NOTICED A LITTLE WAVE OF
CONFUSION WASH OVER YOUR FACES.
YEAH.
YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, "WAIT A
SECOND.
DID SHE JUST SAY THAT BOTH
HER PARENTS WERE WHITE?
SOMEONE'S LYING TO HER."
(LAUGHTER)
NO, IT'S TRUE.
I AM ADOPTED.
AND GROWING UP I NEVER REALLY
THOUGHT IT WAS A BIG DEAL,
HAVING TWO WHITE PARENTS.
BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO
GIVE 'EM CREDIT.
'CAUSE THEY ADOPTED ME BACK IN
THE '70s WHEN IT WAS STILL A
LITTLE DANGEROUS TO HAVE THE
ETHNIC KID.
'CAUSE THIS IS BEFORE "DIFFERENT
STROKES" HAD COME OUT.
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH.
NOBODY KNEW WHAT WILLIS WAS
TALKING ABOUT BACK THEN.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
ALL RIGHT, BEFORE I GET OUT OF
HERE TONIGHT, I JUST WANT TO
THANK THE PERSON WHO I FEEL HAS
MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE
HERE TONIGHT STANDING HERE
BEFORE YOU.
SO HALLE BERRY...
(LAUGHTER)
IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I WANNA
THANK YOU FOR PAVING THE WAY FOR
ACTRESSES LIKE ME WHO HAPPEN
TO HAVE HIT-AND-RUN VIOLATIONS
ON OUR DRIVING RECORD.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.
THANK YOU.
DREW HASTINGS>> YOU KNOW, I OWN
A SMALL HOUSE ABOUT 6, 7 STATES
WEST OF HERE.
WHERE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
BUT IT-- I OWN A SMALL HOUSE.
AND FOR 12 YEARS I HAVE PAID MY
INSURANCE PREMIUMS FAITHFULLY.
NEVER FILED A CLAIM.
ABOUT 3 OR 4 MONTHS AGO THERE'S
A BIG THUNDERSTORM.
OLD TREE IN THE BACKYARD,
DEAD TREE, JUST BLOWS OVER.
IT HIT THE HOUSE, BUNCH OF
DAMAGE.
INSURANCE COMPANY REFUSES TO PAY
ME OFF ON THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR REASONING
WAS?
ANYBODY?
ACT OF GOD.
ACT OF GOD.
WHEN DID THE INSURANCE JERKS GET
SO RELIGIOUS IN THIS COUNTRY?
(LAUGHTER)
HAVEN'T WE READ SOMETHING IN
THE CONSTITUTION ABOUT
SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND
STATE FARM OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT ANYWAY?
"ACT OF GOD"?
PHILOSOPHERS HAVE SPENT WHAT,
2000 YEARS JUST TRYING TO PROVE
THE ALMIGHTY'S EXISTENCE.
SUDDENLY MY PRUDENTIAL AGENT
HAS HIM TRAIPSING AROUND MY
PROPERTY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I THOUGHT, THAT'S FINE, FINE.
I'LL GET 'EM BACK.
I'M FILING A FRAUDULENT
INSURANCE CLAIM.
I'LL TELL 'EM JESUS STOLE
MY STEREO EQUIPMENT.
(LAUGHTER)
TELEVISION FOR THE MOST PART
BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THE
ADVERTISING.
THEY THINK WE ARE IDIOTS.
THEY REALLY DO.
YOU KNOW I WATCH THESE ADS.
YOU KNOW THE HYPOCRISY.
THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET US
TO NOT DO DRUGS.
"DON'T DO DRUGS.
TALK TO YOUR TEENS ABOUT DRUGS.
JUST SAY NO."
AND YET THE PHARMACEUTICAL
COMPANIES ARE ALL OVER THE AIR,
TRYING TO GET US HOOKED ON THEIR
STUFF.
NEXIUM: FROM THE MAKERS OF
PRYLOSEC.
PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION FOR
HEARTBURN: SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE:
ABDOMINAL PAIN, NAUSEA, DIARRHEA
AND FLATULENCE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL TAKE THE HEARTBURN.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
EARLY PREGNANCY TESTS.
FOR THE MOST PART THEY SHOW
THESE COMMERCIALS IN USUALLY
ALWAYS THE SAME HAPPY,
OPTIMISTIC MOOD.
LIKE WOMEN ARE ALL LOOKING FOR
THE GOOD NEWS, THEY'RE PREGNANT.
(LAUGHTER)
THEY HAVE AN ADVERTISEMENT
RIGHT NOW; WOMAN HAS A HUGE CART
OF GROCERIES, SAUNTERING DOWN
THE AISLE.
"OH, EARLY PREGNANCY TEST.
I NEED ONE OF THOSE."
(LAUGHTER)
BULL-(BLEEP).
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
YOU KNOW A LOT OF WOMEN ARE
TAKING THESE TESTS AND THAT
ISN'T THE REASON.
LOOK, THEY DRIVE THEIR CAR
TO THE FRONT OF THE STORE.
SCREEEECH.
THEY DON'T EVEN SHUT OFF THE
ENGINE.
THEY RUN IN, THAT'S THE ONLY
THING THEY BUY.
"YOU CAN KEEP THE CHANGE."
SCRREEEEECH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY'RE PISSING ON THE STICK
IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME.
(LAUGHTER)
I DON'T-- YOU KNOW THERE ARE
SOME THINGS THAT PUT ME IN A
GOOD MOOD.
YOU KNOW THE OTHER DAY I WENT
TO WAL-MART.
AND I WENT TO WAL-MART BECAUSE,
WELL, I GO ALL THE TIME BECAUSE
FRANKLY, THE SAVINGS NEVER STOP.
(LAUGHTER)
AND I WENT IN THERE AND I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU EVER DO THIS,
DO YOU EVER GO INTO BUY
SOMETHING AND YOU CAN'T THINK OF
THE NAME OF WHAT IT IS?
I WENT IN, I SAID, "LOOK I NEED
A...
A HAIR BAG.
I NEED A HAIR BAG.
WHERE ARE THE HAIR BAGS?"
AND THE KID'S JUST LOOKING AT
ME.
HAIR BAG?
I WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER.
I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HAIR WET?
"YOU MEAN A SHOWER CAP?"
"SHOWER CAP.
THANK YOU."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
ANYWAY I SCHLEP THIS STUFF UP TO
THE COUNTER, HAVE HER RING IT
UP.
THE WOMAN SAYS, "WELL, DO YOU
HAVE THE THING FOR THE
ADDITIONAL SAVINGS?"
JESUS, THERE'S MORE?
AND SHE GIVES ME ONE OF THESE.
I NOW HAVE 3 OR 4 OF THESE
THINGS ON MY KEY RING.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW WHICH I THINK IS
VERY IRONIC BECAUSE AMERICA
IS A CAR CULTURE.
EVERYBODY WANTS A NICE CAR.
EVERYBODY WANTS TO IMPRESS
PEOPLE WITH THEIR CARS.
SO, NOW OF COURSE, YOU GO TO A
VALET SOMEWHERE, "YES, I'VE GOT
THE $50,000 CADILLAC."
AND THIS IS SO I CAN SAVE
3 CENTS ON A CAN OF PEAS.
THANK YOU.
(CHEERING)
ALL RIGHT.
I JUST SPENT SOME TIME WITH
MY FRIENDS.
DO YOU HAVE THOSE FRIENDS?
"HEY, DUDE, DUDE.
HEY, DUDE." THEY RENTED A CABIN
UP AT THE LAKE.
HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO YOUR
FRIENDS BEFORE?
WE DO ALL THESE CRAZY THINGS.
WE WENT CLIFF DIVING OFF A ROCK,
RIGHT?
WE'RE 120 FEET ABOVE THE LAKE.
MY FRIEND SAYS, "DUDE, JUMP OUT
REAL FAR."
(LAUGHTER)
I SAID, "HOW COME?"
"'CAUSE, IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE
GONNA BECOME PART OF THE ROCK.
DON'T FORGET WHEN YOU'RE HALFWAY
DOWN POINT YOUR BODY, LIKE A BIG
ARROW SO YOU CUT THROUGH THE
WATER.
'CAUSE THE WATER ACTS LIKE
CEMENT."
NOW LET ME ASK YOU GUYS A
QUESTION.
DO I LOOK REMOTELY COORDINATED
TO ANY OF YOU PEOPLE?
I START RUNNING.
"OKAY."
I JUMPED.
MY ASS IS BANGING OFF THE ROCK.
THEY'RE IN THE WATER.
"GET IN THE ARROW
CONFIGURATION!"
I COULDN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE
TO MAKE IT INTO THE ARROW
CONFIGURATION.
BUT HALFWAY DOWN I END UP
SPORTING THE LAZY BOY RECLINING
POSITION.
(LAUGHTER)
THIS IS NOT THE POSITION YOU
WANT TO BE IN.
RIGHT BEFORE I HIT THE WATER
EVERYBODY IN THE BOAT WAS LIKE,
"NO!"
NO?
LIKE I HAVE OPTIONS AT THIS
POINT?
I HIT THE WATER.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY BATHING
SUIT IS, RIGHT?
YEAH, AND MY ASS IS GLOWING AT
THIS POINT.
HE COMES OVER, "DUDE, THAT WAS
FUNNY.
WHERE'S YOUR BATHING SUIT?"
"YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK MY
SMALL INTESTINE RIGHT ABOUT
NOW."
SORCERER.
I SPRAINED MY ASS.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO
THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
AND HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU WANNA
DO NOW?"
"I JUST BROKE MY ASS!
I'D LIKE TO TAKE THE REST OF THE
DAY OFF.
MAYBE GET SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION
IF I COULD.
OR AT LEAST GO DOWN TO THE
HARDWARE STORE AND GET SOME OF
THAT PUTTY SO I CAN SEAL UP THIS
NEW ASS-CRACK I GOT GOING."
THE NEXT DAY WE WENT TO AN
AMUSEMENT PARK.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ONE OF THESE
PLACES?
I STUMBLED INTO THE WATER SLIDE
PARK.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO ONE OF THESE
PLACES?
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.
YOU GIVE 'EM 50 BUCKS.
THEY GIVE YOU A LITTLE RUBBER
MAT.
I SAY, "WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?"
"WALK UP TO THE TOP OF THE
SLIDE.
UP THE WALKWAY."
THE WALKWAY IS 15 MILES LONG.
I GET TO THE TOP OF THE SLIDE--
NOW I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FUN OF
ANYBODY, OKAY?
BUT THE KID RUNNING THE SLIDE
WITH THE STICK?
HAVE YOU SEEN 'EM?
HE HAD THE BAD EYES.
YOU KNOW THE BAD EYES?
ONE'S IN NEW YORK, THE OTHER
ONE'S IN CALIFORNIA.
(LAUGHTER)
HE SAYS TO ME, "YOU'RE NEXT."
I SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"
"YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"
I SAID, "WELL YOU'RE LOOKING AT
NORTH DAKOTA.
HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW?"
(LAUGHTER)
SO I WENT TO GO, THERE'S A WOMAN
IN FRONT OF ME, SHE'S A LITTLE
BIT BIG.
AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE FUN OF
PEOPLE'S WEIGHT 'CAUSE WE ALL
HAVE GOOD YEARS AND BAD YEARS
AND SHE, APPARENTLY, HAD MANY
BAD YEARS IN A ROW.
'CAUSE SHE PUT THAT LITTLE
RUBBER MAT UNDER HER ASS,
IT LOOKED LIKE A DISH SPONGE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
(LAUGHTER)
SO THE KID LOOKS AT ME AND
HE GOES, "HELP ME."
I GO, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO?"
HE SAID, "KICK HER."
"I'M NOT GONNA KICK HER."
(LAUGHTER)
HE SAID, "WELL, GRAB ON TO HER."
SO WE FORMED A LOGE TEAM.
THERE WERE FOUR OF US.
WE ALL GRABBED A LIMB, YOU KNOW?
AND WE GOT IT ROCKIN' PRETTY
GOOD.
YOU KNOW SHE TOOK OFF LIKE A
BAT-OUT-OF-HELL.
THE SLIDE WAS TEETERING BACK
AND FORTH.
AND THE KID IS FREAKING OUT.
"OH, MY GOD, THAT'S TROUBLE.
I'VE SEEN IT IN THE TRAINING
VIDEO."
(LAUGHTER)
HE LOOKS AT ME, HE GOES,
"GO AHEAD GO."
I JUST WANNA GET DOWN THE THING,
RIGHT?
SO I PUSH OFF. "WHOO-HOOOO!"
I COME DOWN AROUND THE FIRST
TURN AND SHE'S STUCK.
I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.
SHE MUST HAVE HIT A DRY SPOT
OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
SO SHE LOOKS AT ME, "NO!"
OH, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, SWEETIE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I PLOW INTO HER HEADFIRST.
THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.
WE HIT THE POOL AT THE BOTTOM.
NO WATER LEFT WHEN WE HIT THE
THING, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE PEOPLE IN THE PARK ARE
ALL GOING, "IT'S RAINING.
WE JUST GOT HERE."
THE MANAGER CAME OVER, HE SAID,
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
I SAID, "DUDE, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT THERE WAS TWO OF US.
I THINK THE OTHER GUY'S STUCK IN
HER ASS."
