IN NEW YORK.

LOVE LIVIN' IN NEW YORK;

NO PLACE LIKE IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE FAMILY IN VIRGINIA.

WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO NEW YORK

THEY WERE LIKE, "GIRL, YOU--

NEW YORK?

YOU BETTER BUY A GUN!"

THAT'S WHAT MY FATHER SAY.

"YOU OUGHTA BUY A GUN."

I WAS LIKE "I AIN'T BUYING

A GUN.

THAT'S STUPID.

NEW YORK AIN'T ALL LIKE PEOPLE

THINK.

YOU KNOW."

"NO, NO. YOU GOTTA BUY A GUN."

HE EVEN TOLD ME THE TYPE OF GUN

TO BUY.

YEAH.

I WENT TO LOOK FOR THIS GUN,

THIS GUN COST $400.

MAN, IF I SPEND $400 FOR A GUN,

I'M SHOOTING SOMEBODY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I AM NOT LETTING A $400 GUN

GO TO WASTE.

AND I KNOW ME.

I GET ANNOYED EASILY, YOU KNOW.

SO I'M THE WRONG PERSON TO HAVE

A GUN.

I MEAN, I WILL SHOOT PEOPLE IN

MY HOUSE THAT I INVITED OVER.

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT YOU SAY?

OH, THAT'S STUPID.

WHERE THE HELL'S MY GUN?

NO, NO, NO.

DON'T GO NOWHERE.

LET ME SHOOT YOUR ASS FIRST."

HAVING ME.

EXCITED TO BE HERE.

I GOT MY HAIR CUT FOR THE SHOW.

HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

WENT TO SUPER CUTS.

I SAID, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE

BON JOVI'S BROKE COUSIN,

THANKS."

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, ANOTHER NIGHTMARE DAY

IN TRAFFIC FOR ME.

MAN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU OWN A

MINI-VAN, WILL YOU DRIVE IT INTO

A BRICK WALL FULL SPEED NO AIR

BAG.

I AM SO SICK OF BEING PINNED

BEHIND YOUR LUMBERING ASS AS YOU

TOTTER OUT OF THE SUBURBS

LOOKING FOR A SOCCER PRACTICE

AND AN OLIVE GARDEN.

GO!

BEEP, BEEP.

OUR KID'S ON THE HONOR ROLL.

BRRRRRRRRR.

IT'S FULLY DOCUMENTED ON THE

REAR BUMPER.

BRRRRRRR.

THERE ARE TWO PERFECT KIDS IN

THE BACK SEAT, MEGAN AND HUNTER.

AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS?

WHAT HAPPENED TO GOOD NAMES?

YOU TELL ME IN THE LAST 5 YEARS

ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN INTRODUCED

TO A BABY NAMED LARRY?

HUH?

(LAUGHTER)

BRING ME BABY LARRY.

SHOW ME A BABY GLEN.

WHO YOU GONNA BUY TOOLS FROM

IN THE FUTURE, HUH?

TRAVIS?

"HEY, TRAVIS, CAN I GET A BUZZ

SAW FROM YA?"

"EEEEE.

WHAT'S THAT?

EEEEEEE!"

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE RAISING THIS OVERLY

COMFORTABLE CULTURE.

I HAD TO SELL MY CAR 'CAUSE

I DIDN'T HAVE A CUP HOLDER.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

PEOPLE WERE HELPLESS.

"WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE DRINK,

MAN?

THERE'S NO PLASTIC ROUND THING

FOR MY BEVERAGE.

I'M GONNA HAVE A SEIZURE IF I

DON'T FIND A CUP HOLDER IN ABOUT

NINE SECONDS."

HEY, WELL TRY THIS.

WE USED THIS IN THE OLD DAYS.

I BROUGHT THIS DOWN FROM ANOTHER

PLANET.

PEOPLE NEED TO SIMPLIFY THEIR

LIVES, MAN.

TOO COMPLICATED OUT THERE.

I'M GONNA GET RID OF MY HOME

COMPUTER.

I'VE HAD IT.

IT DOESN'T WORK, MAN.

IF YOU HAD A CAR YOU HAD TO STOP

AND START THAT CAR FOUR TIMES

BEFORE YOU GOT TO THE STORE,

WOULD THAT BE A GOOD CAR?

JUST EVERY QUARTER MILE YOU GOT

TO GET OUT AND RE-BOOT THE

ENGINE.

I'VE GOTTA RE-BOOT!"

MY COMPUTER'S WHERE THE MONEY

IS, MAN.

BILL GATES MADE 58 BILLION

LAST YEAR.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT IS?

TWICE WHAT I SPENT ON VIDEO

POKER.

(LAUGHTER)

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A COMPLETE

FINANCIAL FAILURE.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY DAD

WROTE ON MY BIRTHDAY CARD.

(LAUGHTER)

MY DAD'S GOT A DICTIONARY FROM

1900.

IN 1900 THE WORD 'EJACULATE',

NEVERMIND WHY I WAS LOOKING

IT UP.

(LAUGHTER)

IT USED TO MEAN 'TO EXCLAIM OR

SPEAK LOUDLY IN A PUBLIC PLACE.'

THAT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE I CAN REMEMBER READING IN

THE HARDY BOY'S MYSTERY NOVELS,

LITTLE KID'S BOOKS "LOOK OUT,

JOE!

FRANK EJACULATED."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S KIND OF AN ODD RESPONSE.

"LOOK OUT, JOE!"

BRUMMMMMMMMMMMM.

"JESUS, FRANK!

I WOULD HAVE DUCKED!

MAN, YOU ARE A HARDY BOY!"

THANKS A LOT.

THIS IS AWESOME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M IN NEW YORK.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO SAY THANKS.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YES.

I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING KINDA

STRANGE HAPPENED TO ME AS I WAS

COMING HERE TONIGHT.

I HAD THIS GUY COME UP TO ME

AND SAY, "YOU LOOK LIKE A BLACK

REVOLUTIONARY."

I SAID, THANKS 'CAUSE I DIDN'T

KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD BECAUSE IF

YOU KNOW ME AT ALL I'M ALL ABOUT

WHITE POWER.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST KIDDING.

NO, IT REALLY-- IT--.

IT KIND OF PISSED ME OFF A

LITTLE BIT BECAUSE I DO WANT

TO BE A REVOLUTIONARY BUT I

CAN'T 'CAUSE I'M TOO LAZY.

SO IT'S A GOOD THING THAT I

DIDN'T GROW UP IN THE '60s CAUSE

I KNOW THAT I WOULD HAVE HELD

THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT BACK.

I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE AT THE

MARTIN LUTHER KING RALLY GOING.

"UM, EXCUSE ME, DR. KING, BUT I,

TOO, HAVE A DREAM.

AND IN MY DREAM WE DON'T WALK

50 MILES IN THE HOT SUN.

WHILE AN ANGRY WHITE MOB THROWS

(BLEEP) AT US.

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT

WE DON'T MARCH BECAUSE IT'S VERY

TIRING.

I THINK MY FAVORITE HERO FROM

THAT ERA WOULD HAVE TO BE

ROSA PARKS.

I LOVE HER.

AND SHE HAS BEEN A HUGE SOURCE

OF INSPIRATION IN MY LIFE.

BASICALLY BECAUSE SHE WAS ABLE

TO GALVANIZE AN ENTIRE NATION

SIMPLY BY NOT GETTING UP.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE A LITTLE

CONFESSION TO MAKE.

THE OTHER REASON WHY I PROBABLY

WOULDN'T MAKE THE MOST

CONVINCING BLACK REVOLUTIONARY

IS THAT BOTH OF MY PARENTS ARE

WHITE.

AND I HAVE FOUND THAT IT'S HARD

TO FIGHT THE POWER WHEN THE

POWER PAYS YOUR RENT.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T GET THAT MUCH

CREDIBILITY.

OH, BY THE WAY, I'M ADOPTED.

I NOTICED A LITTLE WAVE OF

CONFUSION WASH OVER YOUR FACES.

YEAH.

YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, "WAIT A

SECOND.

DID SHE JUST SAY THAT BOTH

HER PARENTS WERE WHITE?

SOMEONE'S LYING TO HER."

(LAUGHTER)

NO, IT'S TRUE.

I AM ADOPTED.

AND GROWING UP I NEVER REALLY

THOUGHT IT WAS A BIG DEAL,

HAVING TWO WHITE PARENTS.

BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO

GIVE 'EM CREDIT.

'CAUSE THEY ADOPTED ME BACK IN

THE '70s WHEN IT WAS STILL A

LITTLE DANGEROUS TO HAVE THE

ETHNIC KID.

'CAUSE THIS IS BEFORE "DIFFERENT

STROKES" HAD COME OUT.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

NOBODY KNEW WHAT WILLIS WAS

TALKING ABOUT BACK THEN.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

ALL RIGHT, BEFORE I GET OUT OF

HERE TONIGHT, I JUST WANT TO

THANK THE PERSON WHO I FEEL HAS

MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE

HERE TONIGHT STANDING HERE

BEFORE YOU.

SO HALLE BERRY...

(LAUGHTER)

IF YOU'RE WATCHING, I WANNA

THANK YOU FOR PAVING THE WAY FOR

ACTRESSES LIKE ME WHO HAPPEN

TO HAVE HIT-AND-RUN VIOLATIONS

ON OUR DRIVING RECORD.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

THANK YOU.

DREW HASTINGS>> YOU KNOW, I OWN

A SMALL HOUSE ABOUT 6, 7 STATES

WEST OF HERE.

WHERE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

BUT IT-- I OWN A SMALL HOUSE.

AND FOR 12 YEARS I HAVE PAID MY

INSURANCE PREMIUMS FAITHFULLY.

NEVER FILED A CLAIM.

ABOUT 3 OR 4 MONTHS AGO THERE'S

A BIG THUNDERSTORM.

OLD TREE IN THE BACKYARD,

DEAD TREE, JUST BLOWS OVER.

IT HIT THE HOUSE, BUNCH OF

DAMAGE.

INSURANCE COMPANY REFUSES TO PAY

ME OFF ON THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR REASONING

WAS?

ANYBODY?

ACT OF GOD.

ACT OF GOD.

WHEN DID THE INSURANCE JERKS GET

SO RELIGIOUS IN THIS COUNTRY?

(LAUGHTER)

HAVEN'T WE READ SOMETHING IN

THE CONSTITUTION ABOUT

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND

STATE FARM OR SOMETHING LIKE

THAT ANYWAY?

"ACT OF GOD"?

PHILOSOPHERS HAVE SPENT WHAT,

2000 YEARS JUST TRYING TO PROVE

THE ALMIGHTY'S EXISTENCE.

SUDDENLY MY PRUDENTIAL AGENT

HAS HIM TRAIPSING AROUND MY

PROPERTY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I THOUGHT, THAT'S FINE, FINE.

I'LL GET 'EM BACK.

I'M FILING A FRAUDULENT

INSURANCE CLAIM.

I'LL TELL 'EM JESUS STOLE

MY STEREO EQUIPMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

TELEVISION FOR THE MOST PART

BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THE

ADVERTISING.

THEY THINK WE ARE IDIOTS.

THEY REALLY DO.

YOU KNOW I WATCH THESE ADS.

YOU KNOW THE HYPOCRISY.

THEY'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO GET US

TO NOT DO DRUGS.

"DON'T DO DRUGS.

TALK TO YOUR TEENS ABOUT DRUGS.

JUST SAY NO."

AND YET THE PHARMACEUTICAL

COMPANIES ARE ALL OVER THE AIR,

TRYING TO GET US HOOKED ON THEIR

STUFF.

NEXIUM: FROM THE MAKERS OF

PRYLOSEC.

PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION FOR

HEARTBURN: SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE:

ABDOMINAL PAIN, NAUSEA, DIARRHEA

AND FLATULENCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL TAKE THE HEARTBURN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

EARLY PREGNANCY TESTS.

FOR THE MOST PART THEY SHOW

THESE COMMERCIALS IN USUALLY

ALWAYS THE SAME HAPPY,

OPTIMISTIC MOOD.

LIKE WOMEN ARE ALL LOOKING FOR

THE GOOD NEWS, THEY'RE PREGNANT.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY HAVE AN ADVERTISEMENT

RIGHT NOW; WOMAN HAS A HUGE CART

OF GROCERIES, SAUNTERING DOWN

THE AISLE.

"OH, EARLY PREGNANCY TEST.

I NEED ONE OF THOSE."

(LAUGHTER)

BULL-(BLEEP).

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

YOU KNOW A LOT OF WOMEN ARE

TAKING THESE TESTS AND THAT

ISN'T THE REASON.

LOOK, THEY DRIVE THEIR CAR

TO THE FRONT OF THE STORE.

SCREEEECH.

THEY DON'T EVEN SHUT OFF THE

ENGINE.

THEY RUN IN, THAT'S THE ONLY

THING THEY BUY.

"YOU CAN KEEP THE CHANGE."

SCRREEEEECH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THEY'RE PISSING ON THE STICK

IN THE CAR ON THE WAY HOME.

(LAUGHTER)

I DON'T-- YOU KNOW THERE ARE

SOME THINGS THAT PUT ME IN A

GOOD MOOD.

YOU KNOW THE OTHER DAY I WENT

TO WAL-MART.

AND I WENT TO WAL-MART BECAUSE,

WELL, I GO ALL THE TIME BECAUSE

FRANKLY, THE SAVINGS NEVER STOP.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I WENT IN THERE AND I DON'T

KNOW IF YOU EVER DO THIS,

DO YOU EVER GO INTO BUY

SOMETHING AND YOU CAN'T THINK OF

THE NAME OF WHAT IT IS?

I WENT IN, I SAID, "LOOK I NEED

A...

A HAIR BAG.

I NEED A HAIR BAG.

WHERE ARE THE HAIR BAGS?"

AND THE KID'S JUST LOOKING AT

ME.

HAIR BAG?

I WANT TO TAKE A SHOWER.

I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HAIR WET?

"YOU MEAN A SHOWER CAP?"

"SHOWER CAP.

THANK YOU."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

ANYWAY I SCHLEP THIS STUFF UP TO

THE COUNTER, HAVE HER RING IT

UP.

THE WOMAN SAYS, "WELL, DO YOU

HAVE THE THING FOR THE

ADDITIONAL SAVINGS?"

JESUS, THERE'S MORE?

AND SHE GIVES ME ONE OF THESE.

I NOW HAVE 3 OR 4 OF THESE

THINGS ON MY KEY RING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHICH I THINK IS

VERY IRONIC BECAUSE AMERICA

IS A CAR CULTURE.

EVERYBODY WANTS A NICE CAR.

EVERYBODY WANTS TO IMPRESS

PEOPLE WITH THEIR CARS.

SO, NOW OF COURSE, YOU GO TO A

VALET SOMEWHERE, "YES, I'VE GOT

THE $50,000 CADILLAC."

AND THIS IS SO I CAN SAVE

3 CENTS ON A CAN OF PEAS.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERING)

ALL RIGHT.

I JUST SPENT SOME TIME WITH

MY FRIENDS.

DO YOU HAVE THOSE FRIENDS?

"HEY, DUDE, DUDE.

HEY, DUDE." THEY RENTED A CABIN

UP AT THE LAKE.

HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO YOUR

FRIENDS BEFORE?

WE DO ALL THESE CRAZY THINGS.

WE WENT CLIFF DIVING OFF A ROCK,

RIGHT?

WE'RE 120 FEET ABOVE THE LAKE.

MY FRIEND SAYS, "DUDE, JUMP OUT

REAL FAR."

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "HOW COME?"

"'CAUSE, IF YOU DON'T YOU'RE

GONNA BECOME PART OF THE ROCK.

DON'T FORGET WHEN YOU'RE HALFWAY

DOWN POINT YOUR BODY, LIKE A BIG

ARROW SO YOU CUT THROUGH THE

WATER.

'CAUSE THE WATER ACTS LIKE

CEMENT."

NOW LET ME ASK YOU GUYS A

QUESTION.

DO I LOOK REMOTELY COORDINATED

TO ANY OF YOU PEOPLE?

I START RUNNING.

"OKAY."

I JUMPED.

MY ASS IS BANGING OFF THE ROCK.

THEY'RE IN THE WATER.

"GET IN THE ARROW

CONFIGURATION!"

I COULDN'T SEEM TO BE ABLE

TO MAKE IT INTO THE ARROW

CONFIGURATION.

BUT HALFWAY DOWN I END UP

SPORTING THE LAZY BOY RECLINING

POSITION.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS NOT THE POSITION YOU

WANT TO BE IN.

RIGHT BEFORE I HIT THE WATER

EVERYBODY IN THE BOAT WAS LIKE,

"NO!"

NO?

LIKE I HAVE OPTIONS AT THIS

POINT?

I HIT THE WATER.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE MY BATHING

SUIT IS, RIGHT?

YEAH, AND MY ASS IS GLOWING AT

THIS POINT.

HE COMES OVER, "DUDE, THAT WAS

FUNNY.

WHERE'S YOUR BATHING SUIT?"

"YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK MY

SMALL INTESTINE RIGHT ABOUT

NOW."

SORCERER.

I SPRAINED MY ASS.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD DO

THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU WANNA

DO NOW?"

"I JUST BROKE MY ASS!

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THE REST OF THE

DAY OFF.

MAYBE GET SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION

IF I COULD.

OR AT LEAST GO DOWN TO THE

HARDWARE STORE AND GET SOME OF

THAT PUTTY SO I CAN SEAL UP THIS

NEW ASS-CRACK I GOT GOING."

THE NEXT DAY WE WENT TO AN

AMUSEMENT PARK.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO ONE OF THESE

PLACES?

I STUMBLED INTO THE WATER SLIDE

PARK.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO ONE OF THESE

PLACES?

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU GIVE 'EM 50 BUCKS.

THEY GIVE YOU A LITTLE RUBBER

MAT.

I SAY, "WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?"

"WALK UP TO THE TOP OF THE

SLIDE.

UP THE WALKWAY."

THE WALKWAY IS 15 MILES LONG.

I GET TO THE TOP OF THE SLIDE--

NOW I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE FUN OF

ANYBODY, OKAY?

BUT THE KID RUNNING THE SLIDE

WITH THE STICK?

HAVE YOU SEEN 'EM?

HE HAD THE BAD EYES.

YOU KNOW THE BAD EYES?

ONE'S IN NEW YORK, THE OTHER

ONE'S IN CALIFORNIA.

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAYS TO ME, "YOU'RE NEXT."

I SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

"YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

I SAID, "WELL YOU'RE LOOKING AT

NORTH DAKOTA.

HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW?"

(LAUGHTER)

SO I WENT TO GO, THERE'S A WOMAN

IN FRONT OF ME, SHE'S A LITTLE

BIT BIG.

AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE FUN OF

PEOPLE'S WEIGHT 'CAUSE WE ALL

HAVE GOOD YEARS AND BAD YEARS

AND SHE, APPARENTLY, HAD MANY

BAD YEARS IN A ROW.

'CAUSE SHE PUT THAT LITTLE

RUBBER MAT UNDER HER ASS,

IT LOOKED LIKE A DISH SPONGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE KID LOOKS AT ME AND

HE GOES, "HELP ME."

I GO, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO

DO?"

HE SAID, "KICK HER."

"I'M NOT GONNA KICK HER."

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAID, "WELL, GRAB ON TO HER."

SO WE FORMED A LOGE TEAM.

THERE WERE FOUR OF US.

WE ALL GRABBED A LIMB, YOU KNOW?

AND WE GOT IT ROCKIN' PRETTY

GOOD.

YOU KNOW SHE TOOK OFF LIKE A

BAT-OUT-OF-HELL.

THE SLIDE WAS TEETERING BACK

AND FORTH.

AND THE KID IS FREAKING OUT.

"OH, MY GOD, THAT'S TROUBLE.

I'VE SEEN IT IN THE TRAINING

VIDEO."

(LAUGHTER)

HE LOOKS AT ME, HE GOES,

"GO AHEAD GO."

I JUST WANNA GET DOWN THE THING,

RIGHT?

SO I PUSH OFF. "WHOO-HOOOO!"

I COME DOWN AROUND THE FIRST

TURN AND SHE'S STUCK.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU.

SHE MUST HAVE HIT A DRY SPOT

OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

SO SHE LOOKS AT ME, "NO!"

OH, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, SWEETIE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I PLOW INTO HER HEADFIRST.

THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.

WE HIT THE POOL AT THE BOTTOM.

NO WATER LEFT WHEN WE HIT THE

THING, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE PEOPLE IN THE PARK ARE

ALL GOING, "IT'S RAINING.

WE JUST GOT HERE."

THE MANAGER CAME OVER, HE SAID,

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

I SAID, "DUDE, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THERE WAS TWO OF US.

I THINK THE OTHER GUY'S STUCK IN

HER ASS."