Norton, O'Reilly, Bargatze, Jackson, Vecchione, Mandel, Dalton

  • Season 3, Ep 0302
  • 06/27/2008

But carry a gun if you'regonna be around animals.

I'm not a hunter,I don't like hunting,

but I also hate people

who think they're really closeto animals,

like, how great is itwatching somebody

who really thinkshe understands an animal

just being attackedon national television?

It's wonderful.

And, uh, like, I read aboutpeople that don't carry guns

when they're,like, on bear trails.

And, like, they're walkingon trails

where they knowbears are gonna be,

but they don't carry a weapon

'cause they think that puts themabove the hunter.

It's, like, do you understandhow this works?

This is predator.

The bear doesn't just, like,stop you at a checkpoint

and, like, search throughthe bag and go,

"All right, we've hada lot of problems,

but you're okay. Feel..."

They say talk loud.

Like if you talk loudon a bear trail,

the animals will hearyou coming,

become frightenedand they'll hide in the woods,

'cause I guess bears are veryscared at 700 pounds

with sharp teeth of a 158-poundmush with man tits.

That's frightening.

And they also say that youshould carry bear repellent,

which I think a machine gunis fantastic bear repellent.

But no, it's a spraywhich is the equivalent

of pepper spray,and what they say

is when the animal comes,you're supposed to spray him,

and his eyes will getall stingy.

Do you understandwhen a bear wants honey,

he jams his face intoan active beehive...

...and chews and swallowsuntil his little belly's full?

Do you know how badlybees sting you

when you put your facein their house

and eat their food supply?

Bears are getting stung on thegums, the eyes, the tongue

and all they're thinking is,

"My God,this honey is fantastic."

But people somehow think

that, like,in the midst of a crisis

when this predator is protectingits young,

you're gonna fend it offwith a little spritz.

(makes spritz sound)

Like he'sthe Upper East Side Rapist.


I love playing video games.

I love playing Madden Football.

A lot of fun. Madden's very fun.

Very exciting.

The thing with MaddenFootball, though, is like,

when you used to play,

you would just pick yourfavorite team, and that was it.

There wasn't a lot to it.

But now, when you play,they have you, like,

running the whole stadiumwhen you play.

Like, before you start,they're like, "All right,

how much would you liketo charge for hot dogs?"

You're like, "Look,

I'm not gonna lie to you--I don't even know

how much a fake hot dogwould go for.

Like, I don't even,I didn't, I didn't know

we were getting this serious

about the game.Like, I didn't...

I didn't go to college.

That's why I'm playing this game

is because...I didn't go to college.

I don't even...

And they give the playersfeelings, too.

Like, they give allthe players feelings.

You have to hear that.

I'll play with the Titans.

I'll play with Vince Young,

And they'll be like,"Hey, uh, Vince

is not happy with his contract,"

and I'm like,"Well, tell Vincent

"that he is not real and...

"and I will reset usand start over, if he doesn't

clean up his attitude."

this week,

and they were dead serious.

They said, "Ryan,I can't talk right now.

I'm expecting a very importanttext message."

And then I realize I've neverreceived

an important text message.

It's always my friends screwingwith me.

I'll be sitting in a meeting.(imitates beeping)

"Oh, look! I'm a queer!"

"It's awesome! I pay $75 a monthfor this. This is worth it."

"No, it's an investment,it's really worth this."

That's great, man.Glad you guys came out tonight.

Great comedy club.Do a lot of comedy clubs.

The only thing that stinks aboutdoing comedy clubs

is bachelorette parties.

They're the worst things on theface of the earth.

No, 'cause they haveprops now, like...

(high-pitched): "We've got penisnecklaces and penis straws.

"I am covered in penises.


It's funny!"

(normal voice):It's not funny.

What is funny is that there's afactory somewhere...

...that just makes that stuff.

What, do you think it magicallyshows up at the porn store?

No, there's a plant.

And that means that there'smarketing, accounts receivable.

There's a union-- Local Penis420-- there is a union!

And that means that there's astaff of people

working withinthe plastic penis plant.

And that means that there's anassembly line

and on that assembly lineworks a dude.

And this guy has to get up everymorning...

brush his teethand button his shirt

and look himself in the mirrorand go...

"I got to gomake penises again today!

Oh, my God, I should've stayedin school!"

And then his best friendcalls him

at the end of workeach day-- 5:01.

Goes, "Dude, how many penisesdid you touch today?"


"That never gets old!"

"Oh, you're a queer. I'm textingthat to you right now.

You need to know."