Oswalt, Mulaney, Edwards, Cummins, Mordal, Prekel, Borowitz

  • Season 1, Ep 0103
  • 08/03/2006

Now, you know, I was justwalking down the street

and I saw this restaurantcalled McDonald's Express.

Let's see if we can tryto wrap our brains

around this concept.

This is a McDonald's,

only faster.

So obviously the McDonald'scorporation thinks

there are people out theresaying to themselves,

"God, I'd love to goto McDonald's

but who has the time?"

( laughing )

How do you possiblymake McDonald's faster?

Do you like shoot the foodout of a cannon?

Would that be...?

While we're on this,

do you know whatBoston Market's new slogan is?

It's, "We're Always Cooking."

And I'm like, what,you want a medal?

You're a restaurant.

Of course you're always cooking.

I'll bet cooking makes upa pretty big part

of Appleby's day, as well.

You know what Denny'snew motto is?

"We're Cooking Now."

( laughing )

And I'm like, dude,I'm not impressed.

Boston Market's always cooking.

Issue number one-- hotel porn.

Now I'm not sayingI'm against it.

I think on the whole,I'm for it.

But I think that they shouldrewrite the way

the ordering instructionson screen are phrased.

Because right now whatit always says is,

"Movie titles will notappear on your bill."

Now, personally I thinkit's sad enough

that I'm sitting alone ina hotel room watching porn.

They really don't needto introduce

that whole element of shameinto it.

I mean, they might as welljust say,

"Movie titles will not appearon your bill,

you sick, sick bastard,"you know.

Besides, I would like the movietitles to appear on my bill,

because then I would havea complete record

of the pornI have already watched.

I can't tell you how many timesI'm ordering porn

and I'm like thinking,

"Have I seen Hot and Horny 4,or just 1 through 3?"

You know, it wouldbe really helpful.

Issue number two--

this is a little bitcontroversial,

but I got to justput it out there.

I don't care who I offend.

I think we've reachedthe point in this country

where we have too many spin-offsof Law and Order on television.

I do. I do.

( applause )

All right, I havesome support.

All right.

Here's why I say that.

I was watching Law and Order

the other day-- it started likea typical episode.

There was a murder,the cops got a call

and they rushedto the crime scene.

And there were already cops

from another Law and Orderspin-off...

( laughing )

All right, this isthe last issue.

A lot of my friendsare going on

those "do-not-call" lists

to keep the telemarketersfrom calling.

But like personally I wouldnever do that,

because whenthe telemarketers call,

that's pretty muchthe high point of my day, okay?

Because I get to playmind games with them,

and that's likefree entertainment.

This is a true story.

A couple weeks agoI got a call--

typical telemarketer.

He said, "Are you happy withyour long-distance service?"

And I said, "Now this isan insane coincidence."

( laughing )

And he said, "What?"

And I said, "I also work fora long-distance phone company."

And he was like, "Really?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And we laughed and we laughed

at what a coincidencethat was.

And then I said, "Well, look,

while I've got youon the phone..."

( laughing )

"Are you happy with yourlong-distance service?

"'Cause I've gota calling plan

that could just shave dollarsoff your monthly bill."

And I went through thistotally fictitious calling plan

with the dude.

And then I said, "Well, look,I'm sitting here

"right here at my computer.

"If you just give meyour home phone number,

we can do the switch-overright now."

And he was like, "Look,I got to go. Good-bye."

And he hung up on me.

( laughing )

All I can say is, the day youcan get a telemarketer

just right

so it looks like it just saysbehind me, "Got ham."

Fat people thinking I'm doing,like, a private

for the Pork Producersof America.

You know, as I wanderaround this country,

I think, "How fat are we going to get?"

I wouldn't be surprisedif our country slides, like,

six feet towards Mexicoin the next couple of years.

I went to get ice creama couple of nights ago

at a grocery store.

You know what was left?Fat-free. You know why?

'Cause the fat ( bleep )had taken the good ice cream.

You can't tell me it was all fat-free ice cream.

No. The big ones came inand took it

before the little ones could get there.

That's all there is to it.

So who hands out cigarettesto your homeless people

when I'm not here?

I'm so sick and tired of it.

It's almost like there'ssome bum underground

communications networkthat knows I'm in town.

Just lined up outside my hotel:

"You got a cigarette?You got a cig...?"

Get away from me.

You can't smoke anywhere.You can't smoke in your hotel.

Isn't it amazing how cigarettesmoking is becoming illegal,

but marijuanais being decriminalized?

You know that, in a few years,

I'm going to have to pretendI'm getting high

in order to enjoy a Camel Light?

I'm going to haveto take the filter off,

twist the ends up...( goofy laugh )

For the next hour and a half,

act like my IQhas dropped 80 points.

God forbid I get pulled over.

( sniffing )"Is that tobacco?"

"No, Officer, that's pot."

It's going to happen.

"Did you mean 'sweet corn'?"


I meant "feet porn."

And, like, 4,000 Web sitesfor feet porn come up,

but they're stillquestioning me, you know?

Last week was my anniversary.

I'm a... Aw, it's not that biga deal, really. It's just...

Nah, I'm a recoveringworkaholic,

and it's now been seven years

since I've donea ( bleep ) thing.

Workaholism is such a toughaddiction to get over, you know?

It's just... oh.

I had to divorce my wifebecause she was an enabler.

She'd wake me up: "Aren't yougoing to work today?"

I'm an addict!

Leave me alone.

You got friends that still work

that feel guiltyabout their little pleasure,

so they're trying to get you,like, sneaky, to,

"Why can't youdo some volunteering?"

I have a problem, that's why!

Leave me alone.

I like sleeping.

I always looklike I just got up.

Is that going on right now?I've always got that look.

Which is nicebecause I don't ever have

to help anybody with anything'cause they...

"Hey, can you...?Did you just get up?"

I sleep a lot.That's my hobby, you know?

You collect coins or stamps?Fine.

I don't bust your ballsabout it.

I sleep.

That's... You know,I sleep during the day.

Which is such a weird thing,to be a day sleeper,

'cause you get that callat 3:00 in the afternoon,

and you think, "Ooh. Bad news."

Yeah, I sleep a lot.That's all there is to it.

People are always sayingstupid things to me like,

"I'll get enough sleepwhen I'm dead."

Yeah? What if you're wrong?

You don't know.

Nobody knows anythingabout death.

People talk about deathlike they know stuff,

and they just... they don'tknow anything, you know?

They really... I especially hate people

that havelife-after-death experiences

'cause they're just so full of it, you know?

"I had an accident,

and then I was headedtoward this bright white light."

You know the first thingan ambulance crew does

when they findan unconscious victim?

They shine somethingin your eye!

It's not the face of God.

It's Mag-Lite,for Christ's sakes!

They're alwayssaying stupid things

that they don't knowanything about, you know?

You can't take it with you.

What if you're ( bleep ) wrong?

What if I get where I'm going

and it's,"Dave, where's your ( bleep )?"

I didn't thinkwe could take it with us.

Is my ex-wife here?She's got a lot of my ( bleep ).

This is good. This is good.This is fun.

It's fun to go to, like,clubs and bars.

I like it, you know?Most of them have, like,

great drink specials now,which is nice.

But sometimes I'll hearabout a drink special

that soundsborderline dangerous.

Like, a friend will call me upand be, like,

"We got to go to O'Hallogan's tonight.

Is is Nickel Shot Night!"

I'm, like, yeah,I'm pretty sure we'll die

if we go to O'Hallogan's.

Nickel Shot Night should be illegal.

I actually just quit drinking

a couple of months agobecause...( booing )

Oh, I'm not exactly slaphappyabout it myself.

Boo me.

But I had a problem

because I was blacking outall the time.

And I went and I talkedto my doctor,

and he said, "It's notthat you drink too much.

"It's just that,after a couple major blackouts,

you black out easierand easier after that."

So I would just have, like,a couple drinks,

and my brain would be, like,

"Okay, I seewhere this is headed.

"We're just goingto power down now,

and get restartedsometime tomorrow morning."

The morning... the morningafter a blackout, though,

is so strange 'cause I alwaysfeel like this detective

trying to solve the mysteryof how I got home

the night before.

It's The Caseof the Empty Wallet

and the For-Some-ReasonBleeding Knee.

And, luckily,I can get right on the case,

'cause I'm still fully clothedfrom the night before.

It's not good.It's not good.



It's always weird when I'd goout with, like, some money,

and black out,and wake up with no money.

But it was a lot weirderwhen I'd go out with some money,

black out, and wake upwith more money.

That meant thatI had earned money.

That meant that I had tradedgoods and/or services...

and blacked out.It's not anything wholesome.

It's not like I was tempingin a real estate office.

I saw this woman on the news.

She started drinkingwhen she was eight years old.

When she was eight.

I don't even knowwhat I'd be like

drunk at eight years old.

My dad just come home from workand be, like, "So, John,

what did you do today?"

( slurred ):"Colored."

"You did what, now?"


"You know, like,with a crayon. "

"Well, uh...what did you color?"

"Brontosaurus Rex."

"You mean Tyrannosaurus Rex?"

"I said what I said!

"Come here!

"Come down to my level.

"You don't know me.

"I got secrets.

"You know how you and Momsaid I'm not allowed

"to watch Night Court?

"I watch it!

"When you're out of the room,I watch it,

"and I get it.

"The one lawyerhas a lot of sex.

I get it."

"Were youat O'Hallogan's tonight?"

"It was Nickel Shot Night.

I'm actually - I was bornin Chicago

but New York is great

'cause this is wherethey make Law & Order,

which is my favorite show,you know?

And I realizedit was my favorite show

when I was in my thirdconsecutive hour

of Law & Order.

I figured,this better be my favorite,

otherwise I have a problem.

But it's crazy.

If you watch enough episodesof Law & Order,

you see these patternsin every episode, you know?

Like, in the beginning, whenthey're interviewing witnesses

about the crime, the people they talk to

are always so casualabout being questioned

by homicide detectives.

There's been, like,a double rape and murder,

and they're questioningsome guy,

and he's just, like,"Tony Ramirez?

"Yeah, I remember him.

He used to work hereon Tuesdays."

It's, like, people have died.

You can't stop unloading cratesfor a second?

How often do you talkto homicide detectives?

"I got to get back to work."

No, you don't.The police are here.

All bets are off.

They always let some detailabout the case go

that they don'teven realize is important.

They'll be, like, "Well,did he say where he was going?"

"Said somethingabout the knife store."

Like, yeah, knife store!

Knife store pertains

to the stabbing investigation.

My favorite on that show,though, is Jerry Orbach.

I loved him because...

Yeah, he was the best...

( applause )

'cause he always had, like,a funny little one-liner

when they found the dead body.

They'd find a teacherlying dead in an alley,

and Orbach would be, like,

"Huh! Looks like school's out."

I always wanted to see an episode

where he couldn't thinkof a clever one.

Where they find the guy deadwith a Mars bar in his hand,

and Orbach's, like, "Huh!

"Looks like he won'tbe going to Mars

"anytime soon. Get it?Mars bar?

"Aw, screw you guys!

Nine times out of ten,they're funny."

WOMAN:Whoo!Whoo! Nah, you know what?

You know what,I got to tell you,

I had to leave. It was a littletoo conservative.

A lot of L.L. Bean.

( laughter )

A lot of Talbots.

A lot of Talbots,which are really nice clothes

if you want your husbandto cheat on you.

( softly ):Very attractive.

And now we've got the pregnantmoms with the attitude.

Not all of them,but some of them.

They're walking around,their hair all thick and shiny

like a horse's tail.

( laughter )

They're glowingwith the light of life.

Lecturing everybody: "I didn'treally know what love was,

"but then... you can't imaginethe love I have

for this little person inside mewho I haven't even met!"

I was sitting by this one womanon the subway,

and she's, like, nine months,out to here,

like... ( hearty laugh )

"The baby just kicked."

( laughter )

That's 'cause he hates you.

I know a lot about hate, I do,

'cause I worked as a real estateagent for six months.

Whoo! That was fun!

Really fun.

I was a magnet for these, like,22-year-old girls

who "just graduatedfrom Wesleyan!"

( laughter )

And they're "lookingfor a one-bedroom,

something really special,nothing cookie-cutter, no."

'Cause they're "really creative,

and they want to honor that"in themselves.

( Prekel mumbles )

And they'd like to spend"like, $600 to $700."

( laughter )

And they knowit's gonna be hard to find,

but they want to keep looking,

'cause they feel liketheir apartment is out there.

"I was in yoga yesterday, Susan,

"and I just have a feelingmy apartment is out there.

I just know it."

Your apartmentis not out there, Katy.

( laughter )

All right? Your apartmentis not out there, okay?

And my boyfriendis not out there,

and your apartmentis not out there.

( laughing ):"I want to be two blocksfrom the subway."

Really?I want someone to be nice to me.

who loves me.

I'm six feet,and anyone under five foot two

responds to me like I'm crack.

( laughter )

And I've tried to datethese guys.

I really have,'cause they're great people

and whatever, but, you knowwhat, it doesn't work.

It does not work 'cause I goto put my arm around them,

and I feel like a cross-dresser.

( laughter )

And honestly,it's fine that I'm single,

because I don't reallyhave time to date.

I don't. I'm very neurotic,

and I have a lotof doctors' appointments.

I am. I'm so neurotic,I actually made my doctor

give me the morning-after pillafter I had sex in a dream.

Got a little dating tipfor the guys in the audience.

Uh, when you are out on a date,

we don't really need to knowwho you think is hot.

( laughter, applause )

We don't.

I was out with this guy,and I really liked him.

His name was Ben,and he was very smart,

he was very funny,but you know what,

he was not physically perfect,

by any means.

He had kind of a dead,gray tooth.

( laughter )

Not a big deal--it was in the back.

I was, like, "If this goes well,

he can get that fixed,"you know?

So, I'm outwith Ben and his tooth, and, uh,

he just won't let it go.

He just wants to tell mewhich Hollywood star

with the stylist and a trainerhe finds attractive.

And I'm, like, "Oh, my God,please tell me.

I'd really love to know,I really would."

'Cause I just workeda ten-hour day.

I just hurled myself

through closing subway doorsto get here on time.

( laughs ):Yeah. I spent my lunch hour

at Strawberry's lookingfor something cute to wear

on the sale rack.( laughing )

( sobbing ):That'd be so greatif you could tell me!

Who do you think is hot?!

Who is it? Who is it?

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Catherine Zeta-Jones.She's gorgeous.

One of the most beautiful womenin the world.

And totally out of your league.

This is your league!

Look at me!

Look at me!This is who you're dating!

That's your league, buddy!

( laughter, applause )

Uh, I recently saved a tonof money on my car insurance.

By... by fleeingthe scene of the accident.


( amplified relieved sigh )



( chuckles )

Don't-don't worry.It totally wasn't my fault.

He was jaywalking.

All right?

Live by the sword,die by the sword.

Hey, I want to get somethingacross, though.

I'm a good person; that's whatI want to talk about most.

Seriously,you got to help people.

That's what I do.

Like, I don't knowif you know this about me,

but once a year,

instead of givingone homeless guy a dollar,

I step it up.

I buy 50 bucks' worthof malt liquor,

hide it in a park.

( laughter )

Happy Easter.

( laughter )

Yes, I was raised Christian.

I've been frustrated lately,though.

I've been having troublewith my computer with pop-ups.

Oh, my God,those are frustrating.

I get so mad,

'cause most of the pop-ups I get

are advertisements for softwareto get rid of pop-ups.

You know, I'm kind of mad,but I'm also kind of, like,

"Mm, touche.

Well played, sir."

( laughter )

I mean, I know whatthey're doing, you know?

A little marketing,that's pretty good.

Create a need.I like that.

I want to find the companythat makes that software,

and right outsidetheir headquarters,

I want to set upa first-aid kit stand,

and I'll create a need as well.

When they come outside,I'll be, like, "Hi.

Would you like to buya first-aid kit right now?"

And if they say no,mm-hmm, stab 'em.

( laughter )

( applause )

They'll be, like, "Ow-how!

What are you, crazy?!"

Heh-heh, like a fox.

Now would you like to buya first-aid kit?

That's what I thought,Captain Bloody Neck.

Price just doubled.

( laughter )

sometimes it just feels right.

( laughter )

I read about a guy that gota poisonous cobra for a pet,

and it bit him and he died,and I thought, "Yeah...

it's a poisonous cobra."

( laughter )

What was plan A?

Like, what was he doingwith this thing at home?

( baby talk ):You're the cutestlittle cobra.

Yes, you... Oh!

( laughter )


( laughter )

Bad cobra!

( laughter )

Dead. Good.

( laughter )

Look, seriously, though,I don't... I don't...

hey, I don't justwrite jokes, okay?

You know what I'm best at?

Greeting cards.

I'm a really goodgreeting card writer.

And I'm gonna prove it witha little sample of my work.

I'm gonna share a few.

"As each day passes,

"you grow older, weaker.

"I've been working out.

"Revenge is near.

Happy Father's Day."

She's a vegetarian. Ugh!

Ew!It's gross. It's gross.

She's a real vegetarian, too.

Yeah, real--I say "real" vegetarian.

I'm amazed how many peoplewill say they're vegetarian,

and then add,"Well, I eat a little chicken."

Well, then you're nota vegetarian.

You're what's known as a liar.

( laughter )

And that's why our familyhates you, Aunt Ruth.

We can't trust you.

I don't how she does it--like, I-I need meat.

Like, I need it.I have to have meat to live.

Like, I don't condonecannibalism,

but I get it.

I don't judge.

My wife and I were watchingthat movie Alive,

where the plane crashesin the mountains

and the people haveto eat each other to live.

She was horrified;she was, like,

"Oh, my God,I could not do that. Could you?"

( chuckles ):Heh-heh. Yeah.

Ever since watching that movie,when I fly

I throw a little A-1in my suitcase.

( laughter )

( applause )


I was a Boy Scout.

"Be prepared."

I like meat,and now I kind of like

I remember sisters usedto get mad

when they used to see a brotherwith a white girl.

They used to be mad as hell.

They be like,"Uh-uh, I know this dude

is not walking down the streetwith a white girl."

But they don't worryabout that no more.

They don't haveto worry about that.

'Cause Asian girlshave taken over.

( laughing )

I don't know who Asian men date,but it ain't Asian women.

An Asian girl would rather datea ( bleep ) midget

than a regular sizeAsian dude.

It's gotten so bad,you drive through Chinatown,

parents are complaining.

"She bring home black."

It's gotten so bad,

white girlsare holding protests.

"Sisters, we haveto band together.

( clearing throat )

"Because these Asian bitchesare taking our black men.

"We were here first...

"I mean, second, Keisha,

"but you know what the hellI'm talking about.

"We got to stop these ho's.

"No, I'm not callingthem ho's.

"Their last name is Ho...The majority...

We just need to end it."

I'm going to digressfor one second.


Asian people have long torsos.

( laughing )

Some of y'all are like,

how could he make a generalstatement like that

about billions of people?

But Asian people havelong torsos.

And this is whatI'm talking about.

You ever see an Asian personsitting down

and when they get upthey're the same height?

Like, son of a...

for my own selfish reasons.

'Cause mixed race couples alwayshave the finest daughters.

You ever see a mixed race girl.

You never seen an uglymixed race girl in your life.

Vanessa Williams,Halle Berry...

they always come out beautiful.

It don't matterwho the parents are.

It could be the two ugliestpeople from each race.

That daughter will befine as hell.

You be looking at herin disbelief.

You're like, damn, you areoff the chain, Ma, for real.

You mean to tell meDikembe Mutombo

and Rosie O'Donnellare your parents?


You are off the chain.

This is your homegirl?

Oh, my gosh.

You are beautiful.


You mean to tell me Smeagolfrom Lord of the Rings...

and Condoleezza Riceare your parents?

( bleep ) damn!

You got to be the finestone of them all.

I ain't never seennothing like this.

You mean to tell me Sealand Phyllis Diller are your...?

I was watching the news.It happened again this week.

Another dude got out of jail.

They exonerated himon DNA evidence.

It's been happeningjust every week.

Somebody gets out of jailon D...

Dude did 18 years in jail;then they...

It's crazy.

Then they let him out.

And they said, "What you gonnado, man?"

He said, "Man, I'm just gonnago down South,

and just sit on my mama's porchand breathe fresh air."

I'm like, "That's it?"

Let me tell you something.

If I do 18 years in jailfor something I didn't do,

when I get out,I'm gonna do something!

That's 18 years' credit.

I've already done the time;now it's time to do the crime.

You know what I mean?

( applause )

I got...I got a crime credit card.

I'm just going to commit crimesand swipe... Doop!


Give me your money, old lady.


Damn rightI'm not wearing a mask.

Just tell them it was me--the credit card bandit.

This is going to bea crime forecast.

I'll be back in courtthe next day.

The judge will be looking atmy record, it's like...

( clearing throat )

"Mr. Edwards, it says right herewe let you out yesterday

and you robbed an old lady.That's four years."

I'm like,"That's right, ( bleep ).

"That's four years.Take it off my card.

"And I got 14 left.

"And hurry up. I gota lot more stuff I got to do.

"I got banks to rob,

"ho's to pimp and crack to sell.

"I told you I didn't do itin the first place.

"As a matter of fact,

"I don't like the wayyou're looking at me, Judge.

I'll smack the hell out of you."

"That's a year."

"Take it off my card. Doop.

And don't let me use the restof this card up in this court."