Babies and Bustiers

  • Season 3, Ep 5
  • 05/19/2015

Amy undergoes a butt enhancement procedure, competes in a beauty pageant and drops her rescue dog off at daycare.

Look at you, poof.This is precious.

Little ladies,come this way.

All right, big smiles.

Big, big,big smiles.

So much a smile,it hurts.

(girl)I always wanted to do this,

all six years sinceI've been on this planet.

Seven, eight, now pose.

My name'sAmy Merryweather Sherman

and I was put onthis green earth to win pageants

and spread the wordon the Almighty.

All right, guys,one more time.

Hit, hit, step, hip, hip.

And when you do those hips,I want you to dip.

Really low.

And then pump, pump.

I thought you guyshave done this before.

Let's see it.

Come on, let me seeyour best bet.

Pump, pump!

This is not a tap dance.

If you don't pay attention,I don't know how

I'm gonna help you.

I have more potentialin this dance.

Try it one more time.

Can I suggest a pivot here?

Hit it, hit it, hit it,hit it, pivot, pivot, pivot.

(chuckling)

She's so much betterthan the others.

My daughter,I'm sure you've noticed,

is much more beautiful

and has more heftthan the other girls,

but, uh, she's struggling withBenjamin Button's disease.

That's not what it's called.

I enjoyed the movie"Benjamin Button,"

but it's actuallythe opposite of that.

She has fetal Red Bull syndrome.

These shoesare too small now.

This morning,they were huge.

(Dr. Freilich)She's six years old.

But she's aging at five timesthe normal rate.

You gotta understand thatyou have to act

like a pretty princess.

I am!This is not--

No.I am!

No, ma'am. No, ma'am.I am!

No, ma'am.I am!

(Dr. Freilich)We really don't knowhow long she has.

I am!No, ma'am.

But we really don't care.

How do we hold our bodyfor the audience?

Tall and thin.

Right.

And how do weposition ourselves?

To win.

(crunching)Do I hear crunching?

No.

I told you not to eat.

I don't--I'm not--

I'm not lookingto eat, Mama.

You're not allowed to eat!

You'll bloat.

No, I won't.Stop it!

Put it down!

I just want the prize!

You want a prize?!

Then win one today!

I love Mommy,'cause she's my best friend.

She's my support systems.

She always yells at mefor eating her food.

Sorry I'm a human being, Mama.

She eats food!

I need a new seat, Mama.

You need new teethand a new personality.

Every stage mother I metis absolutely crazy.

And it's weird to be the onlygrounded one in the bunch.

Do you needto defecate, honey?

Well, it...

Mom, can I just get--Next to the car real quick?

(Amy)Don't move, Mama.

You know, if God didn'twant this for my daughter,

then why the hell did he makeher so friggin' attractive?

There's major differences

between meand these other girls.

I'm smarter, prettier,and a winner,

even though thatlittle Asian girl,

she said I was cheatingfor even being here.

My mama told me thatAsian people are bad luck.

And to pay no mind,

but when they're in frontof you, you hold your breath.

You guys want someof this here burrito?

No.

Burrito?No.

(raspy)Excuse me, don't breathe.

Save yourself, twins.

Okay, y'all.

Let us give a warm roundof applause

for the Texas Sparklettes.

(crowd applauds)

Give 'em what they want!

♪♪

(crowd gasps)

(all murmuring)

Ooh.

Bye, Addison.

Have fun,play nice.

Okay, I left grass fed bisonwith the woman at the front.

That's all she can eat.

First day dropping 'em offat day care?

Yeah.

I got him when he wasten minutes old.

I'm still breastfeeding him.

Oh, I could neveradopt a puppy.

Absolutely not.

Puppies get adoptedso quickly.

My Duke, he was 14when I rescued him.

His owners had justdropped him off at the shelter

to die and I was like,"Nuh-uh, old man."

You're coming with me.

Wow.

Mrs. Belvedere is a rescuefrom Hurricane Katrina.

She was up on a roofwith this little boy

whose parents had drowned,

and I just thought,

that little orphan boycan't take care of a dog.

So I choppered in

and rescued herright off that roof.

What happened to the boy?

What boy?

Duke lost his legs whena cop shot him in St. Louis.

Oh, see,

my dog has severebody image issues.

You should seehow she sees herself.

Well, Addison hasadvanced stage FOMO.

Fear of missing out.

I had to completelytake him off social media.

It's too stressful.

Have you thought aboutmedication?

'Cause my rescue is onProzac for anxiety.

Yeah, and Duke is on Xanaxfor separation issues.

Addie's on Valtrex,

'cause we sharea prescription,

but that is it for medication,

because family historyof addiction.

Well, I didn't getmy guy vaccinated,

because Jenny McCarthy said itcan cause "paw-tism".

I followedher advice, too.

I got my dog a cat,

because petsmake you live longer.

Oh.Yeah.

She knows it all.

There's nothingshe doesn't know.

(woman)Bye, Quinoa.

Oh. Cute purebred.

I know, what malldid you get her from?

(chuckling)

The Darfur galleria.It's in the Sudan.

He was a child-dog solider

and was abandoned bythe Bedouin militia

when they found out he was gay.

So, I guess I didget him at a mall.

Okay, Daisy,back at day care.

Is-- is your dog dead?

Yeah.

They just put her downat the pound about a month ago,

and I was like,I'll take her.

I was just doingwhat any hero would do,

but she's my hero.

Yeah.Right on.

My baby has four legs, right?

I'm always like,"Who rescued who?"

Exactly.

My dog's like a person.