Nick Turner

  • Season 5, Ep 12
  • 09/30/2016

Nick Turner talks about his rescue dog, defines the term "soul mate" and reveals how he prefers to get the results of STD tests.

not every rescue dog

you can bragabout rescuing some...

I have a friend who just gota three-month-old puppy.

The most beautiful thingI've ever seen.

Looks like it was sculptedby Michelangelo.

I would throw my doginto the river to get this dog.

And he's like,"I rescued a dog."

You didn't rescue.You-you won a dog.

You rescued him.

You rescued himfrom the Westminster Dog Show,

where he was aboutto be murdered by gold medals.

I rescued a dog! He's four!

He has a collapsing trachea,

and he spends most of the day

trying to lick the insideof my mouth off.

I don't let him.He's a good dog.

We got him from a shelterthat we chose

because it wasthe only shelter we found

that didn't want to come doa home check,

which is very popularand very insulting to me,

as a guy trying to doa good thing for an old dog.

They want to come overto your house and look around

and make sure your house,where you live,

uh, is good enoughfor what is currently

a homeless dog.

(cheering and applause)

It's never... I'm never hangingout with a friend of mine

and then his girlfriend shows upand it's better.

Never. It's never once happened.

You know, you're justhaving fun with your friend,

and his girlfriend shows up,you'll be like, "Oh! Great!

Cool! You got invited."

You turn to your friend.I was like,

"I was wonderingwhat it would be like

"if suddenly all of youropinions changed just like this.

"Cool. Cool.

Yeah, fun new dynamic."


You ever hang out with a couple,

and it's justthe two of them and you,

and then they start fightingin front of you

like you're not there,

but you are there?

And you're in a car?

It sucks.There's nothing you can do.

Except open the doorand roll out.