Tuesday, June 14, 2016

  • 06/14/2016

Matteo Lane, Mamrie Hart and Grace Helbig give #GraduationAdviceIn3Words, describe offbeat a cappella groups and celebrate Donald Trump's birthday.

It is now time for tonight's#HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

If there's anythingnew grads can count on,

it's parental concern,a poor job market,

and a graduation speaker whowill somehow take 30 minutes

to say "follow your dreams"or some (bleep).

But we here at @midnight knowthat nobody's got time for that,

which is why we're giving youall the tips you need

with tonight's #HashtagWar--

graduation advicein three words.

Graduation advicein three words.

Examples might be,"Congrats, you're poor!"

Or "Hoard work snacks."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock and begin.

-Mamrie.-Vodka will help.

-Points.-(laughter, applause)

-Grace.-YouTube channel.

-Points.-(laughter, whooping)

-Matteo.-Drive for Uber.


-Mamrie.-Ride on coattails.


-Matteo.-Ready, set, blow.


-Mamrie.-Steal Netflix passwords.


-Gracie.-Don't send nudes.


-Matteo.-Green card marriage.

-Points.-(groans, laughter)

-Gracie.-Deodorant is shower.


-Mamrie.-Sorry, you're (bleep).


-Matteo.-Fake your death.


-Gracie.-Don't marry that.


Points. Points. Mamrie.

Marry that, idiot!


A cappella's seena resurgence of popularity

in recent years, thanks to Glee, the popular movie Pitch Perfect

and the overall declinein bullying.

-This, of course...-(laughter)

This, of course, is an image

of the world-famousYale Whiffenpoofs,

all of whom are now extremelysuccessful professionals

whom you can easily beat up.

-(laughter)-Uh, but thank you...

thank you to the Internet,there's documented proof

that all a cappella is...

just, uh,not all of it's that great.

Some of it's, uh, just okay.

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you a clip

from a bizarre a cappellaperformance, and for 250 points,

I would like you to answera question about it.

First up, these fedora fanatics.

-HART: Oh, God.-LANE: Oh, God.

-(others singing operatically)-♪ Fedoras, they're awesome ♪

♪ Fedoras,they're awesome ♪

♪ Fedoras, they're awesome ♪

♪ Fedoras,they're awesome ♪

♪ Fedoras are awesome

♪ Fedor... as.



Hey, guess who didn't(bleep) come to rehearsal.

-(laughter)-LANE: Yeah!

-(whooping, applause)-Yeah!

-What? -So what else doesthis guy think is awesome?

-Mamrie. -Having group sexwith his weirdo friends.

-(laughter)-Yeah. Absolutely.

Points. Uh, Matt... Matteo.

I think he really likeshis couch he bought

-from the set of Roseanne. -(laughter)

It was a historic show.



(deep voice):I'm straight.

(Hardwick laughing)

HART:That's my first!


HARDWICK (deep voice):That is how we all talk, Matteo.

-LANE: Yes. I like women.-I sure can't wait

to put myselfinside this vagina.


Yeah, I love puss.


-Yeah!-Tell me about it.

I like 'em big,I like 'em small,

I like 'em all types.

I like 'em long.


Next up, next up, these fellasgetting ready for Hanukkah.

♪ I have a little dreidel

♪ I made it out of clay

♪ And when it's dry and ready ♪

♪ Oh, dreidel I shall play

♪ Oh, dreidel,dreidel, dreidel... ♪


-(applause, whooping)-I mean...

they sound pretty good.

(Lane groans)

What is...what is this group's name?

-Matteo.-98 Degrees. In these sweaters?!


-(applause) -Oy vey!

-Uh, Mamrie.-Uh, Jewy Lewis and the Jews.



(laughter continues)

-Whew!-♪ The power of the Torah

-♪ Is a curious thing. -LANE: Yeah.

-Grace.-Oh, Notown.

-(laughter)-Points. Points.

Next up, these dubsteppers.

♪ Do, do, do, do

♪ Wah...!

(singing loud gibberish)

(singing ends)



I mean...

I... I know we're supposedto (bleep) on something.

-That was kind of amazing.-(laughter)

What do these guys dowhen they're not a cappella'ing?

-Mamrie. -Uh, callingtheir mom the B-word

-for not buying Bagel Bites.-(laughter)


I-I want you to start tryingto eat healthier.

I got cantaloupe, uh...

-No!-They got tomatoes on 'em!

-Grace. -They're out lookingfor a new, interesting bowls

-to cut their hair with.-Yes.

(laughter, applause)

What an interesting bowl...

-to place on my... my...-LANE: Easy haircut.

Yeah, there's a lotof bowls out there.

HARDWICK:There's so many bowls.

The world's full of bowls.

If today felt like it had a bitof an orange glaze cast over it,

that's becauseit was the birthday

of evil James Spader characterDonald Trump.

-Ugh.-Yes, Donald turned 70 today,

although his haironly turned six.

Uh... but what do you getfor the man who had everything,

lost everything, got everythingagain, lost everything again,

and is now close to becomingthe leader of the free world?

-(audience boos)-Well...

I... I-I didn't do it.

Uh... uh, you got to justcheck Amazon, you guys.

I would like you to give me asmany items that you might find

on Donald Trump's Amazonwishlist as you can

in 60 seconds.And begin. Matteo.

Father-daughter porn.

Points. Grace.

Child leash for Ivanka.

Points. Grace.

Reluctant hand jobfrom Chris Christie.

Points. Mamrie.

A soda stream.

It doesn't affect anything,it's just a great product.

Yeah, it's a great gift.It's a great gift. Mamrie.

Uh, those Hulk hands paintedorange to hide his tiny hands.

All right, points. Yeah. Matteo.

The Rosie O'Donnell Show in box set.

All right, points.Mamrie.

Uh, that hug from his fatherhe never got,

which is why we're in this(bleep) show to begin with.

Okay, points.