Puppet Violence & Mexican Neighbors

  • Season 4, Ep 9
  • 07/16/2008

Carlos answers his hate mail and hits the streets to see if people speak honestly about the dead.

'CAUSE A FRIEND OF MINEWHO WORKS HERE ON THE SHOW, BOB,

HE CALLS ME UP FREAKED OUT,

"HEY CARLOS, THIS MEXICAN FAMILYMOVED IN NEXT DOOR

"AND THEY'REGONNA THROW A PARTY.

I THINKI'M GONNA CALL THE COPS."

AND I GO, "NO, DUDE, DON'T CALLTHE COPS." AND HE'S LIKE,

"BUT DUDE, YOU SAID THEY ALWAYSEND WITH A STABBING."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH.BUT ONLY BEANERS GET STABBED.

"WE NEVER STAB WHITE PEOPLE.THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

"SERIOUSLY, YOU'VE NEVERHEARD ON THE NEWS,

'MEXICAN FAMILY,3 WHITE PEOPLE STABBED'."IT NEVER HAPPENS.

'CAUSE WE KNOW THATIF WE STAB EACH OTHER,

NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.

NOT THAT THE GUY'SNOT GONNA BLEED,

BUT THERE'S GONNA BENO REPERCUSSIONS.

'CAUSE WHEN WE STAB,"I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE."

"HEY CABRON, I GOT WARRANTS!"SO YOU CAN'T CALL THE POLICE.

AND THEN HE'LL BE LIKE,"AT LEAST CALL THE AMBULANCE."

"NO, THEY'LL ASK QUESTIONS.I DON'T HAVE MY PAPERS!"

- SO IT'S LIKE...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU STOP A WHITE PERSON,[Siren Sounding]YOU KNOW THEY'RE COMIN'.

SO HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO I DO?"I'M LIKE, "RELAX, DUDE, RELAX.

LET ME GUESS.

THEY MOVED IN TO THE CRAPPIESTHOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?"

HE GOES, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

I GO, "LISTEN.HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

"SEE WHITE PEOPLE, YOU GUYSHAVE HOUSE-WARMING PARTIES

"WHERE PEOPLE BRING GIFTS LIKE,BLENDERS AND TOASTERS

"AND YOU SHOW UPWITH A BOTTLE OF WINE.

"THAT'S NOTWHAT HAPPENS WITH US.

"WE SAY, 'HEY, I JUSTBOUGHT A NEW HOUSE', RIGHT,AND THEN PEOPLE COME OVER.

"AND THE FIRST DUDE THATCOMES OVER COMES IN AND GOES,

"'HEY, WHAT'S WRONGWITH YOUR DRIVEWAY, MAN,IT'S ALL CRACKED, BRO.'

"BUT DON'T WORRY, MAN.HEY, I GOT SOME LEFTOVER CEMENT

FROM SOMETHING I DID LAST WEEK. MIRA, NEXT WEEK...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND THEN THE NEXT GUY SHOWS UP,"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FENCE?"

I'M GONNA FIX IT ON THE SIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

HERE'S THE WEIRD PART.

IF A BEANER FAMILY MOVES INNEXT DOOR TO YOU, WHITE PEOPLE,

KNOW ONE THING.THE HOUSE AND EVERYTHINGWILL BE GREAT.

LANDSCAPING WILL SUCK.I KNOW THAT'S WEIRD.

I KNOW YOU'RE GOING,"DUDE." BUT DON'T.

THE ONE THING YOU NEVER WANNA DOIS WALK UP TO A LATINO FAMILY

AND GO, "HEY, WHY DON'T YOUCUT YOUR GRASS?"

'CAUSE THIS IS WHATYOU'RE GONNA GET.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT I CUTTHE WHITE PEOPLES GRASS

EVERY GODDAMN DAYALL GODDAMN DAY,

NOW I GOTTA COME TO MY HOUSE!"

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHAT PORNO ACTORS DOWHEN THEY GO HOME?

THEY DON'T [BLEEP],I TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW!

DEAR MR. MENCIA,I WAS OUTRAGED BY YOUR

"THIRD WORLDKIDS SHOW" SKETCH.

DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S FUNNYTO SHOW A TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD

BEING SHOT TO DEATH?

EX FAN, SCOTT SNYDER.

WELL, SOME OF YOUHAVEN'T SEEN IT.

SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK ATWHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

- [GUNSHOT]- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LISTEN, SCOTT,THAT'S NOT EVEN A BOY,IT'S A PUPPET!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION,

YES, I THINKPUPPET'S GETTING SHOTIS HILARIOUS!

AND THE ONLY THING FUNNIER THANWATCHING A PUPPET GETTING SHOT

IS A WATCHING A PUPPETGETTING SHOT AGAIN...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BY THE WAY SCOTT,FOR THE RECORD,

WE'VE SHOOT A LOT OF PEOPLEON THIS SHOW.

THIS SEASON ALONEWE'VE SHOT THREE WHITE GUYS,TWO BLACK GUYS, A MIDGET,

AND WE HAD A MEXICANSHOOT A DEER

IN THE MIDDLEOF THE STREET!

AND AFTER ALL THAT VIOLENCEYOU'RE GOING,

[Dee Dee Dee Voice] "BUT WHY DIDYOU SHOOT A PUPPET, CARLOS?"

REALLY, REALLY?

YOU KNOW; YOU'VE ACTUALLYSHOWED ME THE ERROR OF MY WAYS

AND SHOOTING PEOPLE,THAT'S NOT FUNNY

- AND IT'S NOT THE ANSWER.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FROM NOW ONI'M GONNA DO THIS...

AH! SCOTTIE BOY!LOOK AT THAT?!

IT'S NOT OVER!

IT'S NOT OVER!

IT'S NOT OVER!

IT'S NOT FUNNY!

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