Federman, Winstead, Richards

  • Season 1, Ep 0109
  • 05/30/1994

that I have a verycool, comfortable shave.

I've been using anew razor, Epilady.

Has anyone tried it?

It gently removes the hair frombelow the surface of the skin.

I grew up in Florida.

It was tough growingup in Florida,

because all of my friendswere retired, you know, so.

I'd come home from school.

It's like, Wayne, howwas your day at school?

Good.

How's that, um, cataract thing?

Is that clearing up at all?

Can you see me?

My birthday partieswere terrible.

Every year we playedthat same game-- Pin

the Tail on ThatBastard Who Stole

my Business Out From Under Me.

That's my best joke, soit's just going to peak.

That was the peak,right there, of my act.

When I was 15 years old, Igot my learner's permit, which

meant that the state of Floridawas now obligating me to learn

to drive with thetwo worst drivers

in the world, my mom and my dad.

My mom would employ theclassic 10-and-2 technique

on the wheel-- butconstantly, permanently,

even during the turns.

You've seen them.

Then my dad wastoo hip to do that.

He felt like the less flesh onthe wheel, the cooler you were.

The one finger-- andif he had to turn,

it was that RalphMacchio wipe-on,

wipe-off techniquewith the lean.

It was very cool.

They never taughtme the-- excuse me.

I have to put this over here.

They never taught me thecoolest thing to know in a car,

to know how to operate-- thedimmer switch for the panel

dashboard instrument controls.

Most important thing in a car.

Why is that in there?

Is that for peoplewho just can't handle

the brightness ofthat odometer light?

It's like, whoa.

Whoa, I can relax.

last year for my birthday,"The Book of Questions."

Has anyone gotten this book?

This is the worst.

This is a book ofmoral questions

there are no answers to.

Now you know, I'mgreat at trivia.

I know all of the things--Lone Ranger's horse.

I open up this book.

First question, "Would you giveup the use of all your limbs

to solve world hunger?"

That's a tough question.

That's a good one.

Trigger?

I don't know.

That's a guess.

What I need is "TheBook of Answers."

That's what I need-- abook, every page an answer.

Page one, "The glassis half empty."

OK.

Page two, "Thechicken came first."

"Of course it makesnoise-- it's a tree."

You know, that'sthe kind of book--

that's the kind of book I need.

[cheering and applause]

Hey, don't try to make up atthis point of the show, please.

I've been going to a lotof rock concerts lately.

I went to see PinkFloyd in concert.

I was very upset.

I felt like somewhere on theticket, it should have said,

"To truly enjoy thePink Floyd experience,

remember to take some sortof hallucinogenic drug

20 minutes before the show."because really, I liked

the show, but thepeople around me

were enjoying it on a differentlevel, let me put it that way,

than I was.

At one point in theshow, a giant pig

comes floating outover the audience.

And I'm like, whatthis is, a hot dog ad?

I don't know what's going on.

The people around me arelike, "A pig, it's coming!"

They're diving under chairs.

They're belly-crawlingacross the floor.

I'm the middle of it all,going, you know, "Excuse me,

I can clearly see the wires."

I could see the wires.

I actually see theguy holding the wire

that's holding the pig.

This sucks.

Then later on, everyoneis chanting, everyone--

(SINGING WITH BRITISH ACCENT)"We don't need no education."

I'm like, "Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a double negative."

That actually meansyou do need education.

You're contradicting yourself.

Maybe we don't need anyeducation, I don't know.

Anyway, you guyshave been great.

I, uh, I just ended thisthree-year relationship

with this guy from Iowa.

Yeah.

Thank you.

The reason we broke upis he won't leave Iowa.

I live here.

He's standing in Iowagoing, Liz, Iowa.

Liz, Iowa.

And I'm losing to Iowa.

Do you understand this?

This corn-shucking soyboy refuses to leave Iowa.

Are you people understandingwhat I'm telling you?

Is he in some delusional state?

He thinks he's Kevin Costner,he's gonna plow a field?

I don't know, build"Catch a Rising Farmer."

No, I'm never going there, pal.

So that's my life in a nutshell.

It's very upsetting.

I don't know,relationships are tough.

I-- I don't think womenand men belong together.

If you think about it,it doesn't really work,

because women andmen don't bond.

They don't have that.

But men don't bondwith each other.

Is there male bonding?

No.

Do guys get together atlunch and go, "You know,

Bill, I just can't feel."

No.

Never.

They're inept.

It's true.

Men bond through sports.

And it's amazing.

Have you ever been in aroom with about nine guys

watching a football game on TV?

They're high-fivingeach other like they

somehow helped with the play?

Yes, you were instrumentalwith your hand

in that bag of Cheetos.

I can't believe it!

And it's usually theguys that were really

lame in high schoolthat act this one.

Like they couldn'tget past JV football,

so it's my cross to bear forthe rest of my life as a woman.

'Cause women get overtheir pasts, don't they?

You don't see a bunch of womenthat were involved in ballet up

until eighth grade watchingit on TV now, freaking out.

"Man, did that pirouette suck!

Did you see that?

Nice plie, you loser!"

No, we get over our stuff.

It's incredible.

And just finding peopleto meet-- I mean,

I live here in LA.

I'm having a hard time here.

People are-- theydon't read here.

Have you noticed that?

You ever talk to people?

They don't read the paper.

I mean, I was at abouta couple weeks ago,

talking to this guyabout the Gaza Strip.

He thought it was theadhesive side of a maxi-pad.

So what happens is, you kind oftry to weed through the idiots

and the psychos to find,like, the most normal one.

And that's what happens.

I was dating a ZenBuddhist for a while.

Do you know these Zen people?

They worship Buddha,their god, the ashtray.

OK?

Yeah.

And this whole Zen, with thething-- I just don't get it,

you know?

I'm from Minnesota, theLutheran police state.

You know, we just don'tdo this around there.

So this guy's into thiswhole Zen karma thing,

and he's said,"You know, Liz, you

really need to find your center.

You really need tofind your center."

And I'm thinking, no,you find my center.

That's why I'mgoing out with you.

I need help.

I am.

I'm so-- I'malways-- do you ever

feel like you're justso exhausted, always?

I really hate helping.

Is that bad?

You know when someoneinvites you to dinner,

then they ask youto bring the food?

Why are they inviting you?

They just want yourpans and the leftovers.

They don't want you.

And they always make it soundlike it's really good, too.

They call you up."Yeah, hi, Liz.

So you're coming over tonight?

Good.

Well, we have justabout everything,

although there isa couple things.

Let's see, who'sgoing to be there?

There'll be, uh, Nancy andPaul, and Tom and Jean--

and of course, you're not gonnahave a date, so that's seven.

Seven lobsters.

Can you do that?

No, no, no, we have the water.

I hate these people.

Because I like beingthe chip person.

Don't you love when youget to bring the chips?

Although you realizeat that point,

you are the lowestfood-chain person.

You're the irresponsible friendthat can't get anything right.

And you love it.

It's true. 'Causeyou'll evens crew

up the chip thing atthat point, right?

You show up at the party withsome totally lame excuse.

"I went to threestores, no chips!

Everybody was out of chips.

I could not believe it."

And I just can't move.

I just-- my couch, Ijust love my couch.

And in LA, everybodygoes outside and stuff,

and I don't get it.

Working out?

My roommate is this completelypsychotic, anal-retentive

nightmare roommate.

Do you know these anal people?

Are you these anal people?

I mean, he's the kind of guywho'll eat bran on the toilet.

Do you understandwhat I'm telling you?

He's insane.

I mean, why even eat the bran?

Why not just buy the bran,throw it in your toilet?

Alleviate the middle man.

It'd, like, be so mucheasier in your life.

And he's thisinsane guy, running

all the time with our dog.

We have a male GreatDane in our house, Marty.

Three years old.

The dog is this big.

Now I don't know aboutyou guys-- I swear to god,

there should be some kind a lawthat male Great Danes should

have to wearunderwear in public.

saw a guy talking ona car phone in a Yugo.

I was thinking, who'she talking to, Kmart?

"They got that velvetpicture of Elvis

at the Last Supperwith the dogs?

I'll be right down."

I was almost late getting here.

I stopped at the bank machine.

You ever notice whenyou're really in a hurry

and you stop atthe bank machine,

the guy in front of you isalways trying to pull off

some incrediblefinancial maneuver?

What is that?

I always get stuck behind,like, Donald Trump or somebody,

you know?

Pressing every damnbutton on the machine.

Trying to do a hostiletakeover through the ATM.

I'm just there behind him,waiting for my insulin money.

"Come on, hurryup, will you buddy?

You better hurry up there, boy.

I got about fiveminutes to leave here

or I'm gonna go into a coma.

You better hurry up.

I'm gonna have a candybar or something."

I ran out of money last night.

I went and did alittle food shopping.

You ever go food shopping atthese 24-hour supermarkets

around 2:00 in the morning?

It's like outpatientnight in there, isn't it?

The dregs of humanity areshopping at this hour.

There's people in their pajamabottoms wandering around there.

"Where are the beans?"

That's the manager of the place.

Anyone hear that nervousweirdo on line behind you

when you're checking out?

Know that guy who's beenup since, like, July?

Smells like vodka andDoritos or something

there, he's breathingon you there.

Sometimes you gottatake that rubber divider

and put it right on the floor.

There you go.

You stay over there,I'll stay over here.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

You've been there, huh?

You've been there.

Lot of men go to thesupermarket now to meet women.

Have you seen these guys,the supermarket Casanovas?

Pretty easy tospot, aren't they?

They're incredibly overdressedfor the supermarket.

They have a brand-new cart.

It's filled withcondoms and oysters.

"Hi."

Very easy to spot.

Have you heard about this?

Have you seen this?

That's what I want to know.

Glows in the dark?

Think about that.

In the heat ofpassion, wouldn't that

have a strobeeffect in the room?

Right?

People are walkingby your house,

the lights are going off and on.

"Hey, what's going on in there?

Some guy's goingcrazy with the Clapper

in there, that'swhat's going on.

Oh, he's clapping awaylike a lunatic in there."

You know what a Clapper is, huh?

That's a bad sign.

Lot of late-night TV viewinggoing on in this audience.

I guess if youknow what a Clapper

is, you know whata Life Alert is.

You know that thing,that two-way thing,

goes around your neck?

They got that woman inthe commercial on her back

like a turtle?

"I can't get up, I can't get up!

Help!

Help!"

Paramedics comeover to the house,

just flip her over-- there yougo. "Oh, thank you, thank you.

Oh!"

[cheering and applause]

That's the commercial.

I guess that's agood thing to have,

that two-way thing aroundyour neck there, right?

I just hope none ofmy older relatives

get a hold of one of them.

Well, they're so damn lazy.

You know, they'll be callingup, 2:00 in the morning.

"Help, there's notoilet paper, help!"

Get off that thing.

here earlier.

And I hate knocking on thedoor in the men's room.

The latches are always broken,so you open the door on people.

There's a big treat for you.

What do you say,you know? "Hey, how

about the Dodgers this year?What do you think?

No, don't get up."

Ever knock on the doorand get the weirdo?

You knock on the door.

[knock]

"Come in.

Come on in."

No, thank you.

Sometimes you getthe paranoid person.

Knock on the door."Somebody's in here.

Don't come in here.It's occupied.

Somebody's in here."

OK.

They got their feet up."Come on, somebody's in here.

Don't come in here."

OK, take it easy, lady!

I didn't see thesign on the door.

But I know a lot of people lookunderneath when they go in.

So now when I go in,as a practical joke,

I bring an extra shoe.

Put it in between the other two.

All three match.

People are walking by, going,"What the hell's in there?

Hey, Frankie, there's athree-legged guy in here.

Take a look at this, will you?"

Or you get threedifferent shoes.

You do "My Three Sons."(SINGING) Ba-na-na-naaa.

Hey, it's Fred McMurray.

But the worst, ladiesand gentlemen-- you ever

go in the bathroomafter somebody has,

shall we say, I don'tknow, ruined the ozone?

I was in one the othernight, it was like Satan was

in there before me,I'm telling you.

Oh, the mirror'scracked, the wallpaper's

peeling off the wall.

Toilet paper roll'sgoing on by itself.

Aaaaaaaaaah.

Aaaaaaaaaaaah.

I looked-- there's a rat inthe corner, going, to "My eyes!

My eyes!

I can't see!

Hello, Life Alert?

Help!

Get me out of here!

Help!"

Thank you very much, everybody.

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