CC Presents: Daniel Tosh

  • 07/24/2003

Daniel Tosh explains how to cope with cross-country comedy tours and breakfast-based sex education.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I JUST

WARM UP A LITTLE BIT FIRST,

JUST A COUPLE OF THESE.

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE

IN P.E. CLASS?

HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT IN YOUR

LIFE SINCE?

[LAUGHTER]

THE ANSWER'S NO.

YOU EVER WOKE UP IN THE MORNING,

SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED

TO DO TODAY?

SOME A THESE."

YEAH.

THERE YOU GO.

THAT FEELS GREAT.

NOW THE OTHER WAY.

WELL, THAT'S AWFULLY TRICKY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE WONDER WHY WE HAVE

A WEIGHT PROBLEM AS A NATION.

I'M PRETTY SURE THIS

ISN'T CUTTIN' IT.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, THIS IS A GREAT JOB.

PEOPLE APPLAUD WHEN I GO

TO WORK.

YEAH.

THAT'S A LOT BETTER THAN

YOUR JOB.

I MEAN IT-- DON'T GET ME WRONG.

IT'S NOT LIKE A ROCK STAR,

WHERE PEOPLE LOSE THEIR MINDS

SCREAMIN'.

COULD YOU IMAGINE THAT AT YOUR

JOB?

GOING IN, "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING,

KELLY?

LISTEN, I'M GONNA NEED THAT MEMO

ON MY DESK BY NOON."

"NO!

OH!

OH, GOD, I GOT SUMTHIN'

FROM 'YA!

[LAUGHTER]

"WELL, THANKS, BUT I'M GONNA

STILL NEED THAT ON MY DESK."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WOMEN

DO IN THERE.

THAT'S WITCHCRAFT.

THAT'S VOODOO AS FAR AS

I'M CONCERNED.

IT TAKES ME TWO HANDS, A PAIR

OF PLIERS.

THREE HOURS LATER, I'M PLEADIN'

FOR SOME TEAMWORK.

NOW YOU CAN REACH IN HERE

AND GRAB YOUR PANTIES,

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.

THE HECK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?

DO YOU HAVE A MAGIC MIDGET

RUNNIN' UP AND DOWN YOUR BACK,

UNHOOKIN' STUFF?

WHAT, DO YOU GIVE HIM A CROUTON

AND THEN HE DISAPPEARS?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE

MAGIC MIDGETS WORK.

I RECENTLY BOUGHT A PAIR

OF CARGO PANTS.

I DON'T EVEN CARGO.

YEAH.

THEY DON'T EVEN CHECK AT

THE REGISTER.

ANYBODY CAN BUY THOSE.

THEY GOT ALL THE POCKETS

DOWN THE LEG.

THEN ONE DAY I'M WALKING DOWN

THE STREET, AND I SAID TO

MYSELF, "DANIEL, THIS IS NOT

HOW YOUR FATHER RAISED YOU.

YOU'RE WASTIN' SPACE."

SO I STARTED TO COLLECT CHANGE

FROM THAT DAY FORWARD.

YEAH.

I HAVE A FIVE GALLON JAR AT MY

HOUSE LIKE TO FILL WITH CHANGE.

I DON'T STOP TILL I REACH

THE TIPTOP.

AND THEN A LITTLE BELL GOES OFF,

AND I KNOW CARGO PANT DAY IS

HERE AT LAST.

AND I DANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND I PUT THE CARGO PANTS ON

WITH A BELT, EXTRA TIGHT

BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA HAVE

AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION

ON SUCH A GREAT DAY.

AND I FILL UP ALL THE POCKETS

WITH THE CHANGE.

AND THEN I GET A CAR ALARM.

NOT A CAR ALARM WITH A CAR,

JUST THE CAR ALARM.

AND I HOLD IT TO MY CHEST REALLY

CLOSELY.

AND THEN I GO WALK AROUND

THE STREETS OF MANHATTAN,

AND I WAIT FOR THE FIRST

HOMELESS PERSON TO COME UP TO ME

AND SAY, "HEY, YOU GOT ANY SPARE

CHANGE?"

THEN I SET THE CAR ALARM OFF.

[CAR ALARM SOUNDING]

YOU HIT THE JACKPOT, MOFO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, AND THEN I START THROWIN'

ALL THE CHANGE.

AND THAT HURTS.

BUT HE DOESN'T CARE BECAUSE

HE WON.

SO HE'S JUMPIN' UP AND DOWN.

"I WON!

I WON!

CALL THE PIT BOSS."

AND I'M LIKE, "CALM DOWN,

SMELLY.

I DON'T HAVE TO."

IT'S UNDER $400.

AND THAT'S HOW OKTOBERFEST

STARTED.

[LAUGHTER]

YES.

THAT IS A TRUE STORY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I FEEL SAD, AND I FEEL LIKE

NUTHIN' IN MY LIFE IS GOING

RIGHT.

SO I LIKE TO TAKE A HOME

PREGNANCY TEST.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

THAT WAY I CAN UTTER THE PHRASE,

"HEY, AT LEAST I'M NOT

PREGNANT."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I REALIZE BETTER DAYS

ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH PEOPLE,

EITHER.

EVEN WHEN I WAS LITTLE,

MY IMAGINARY FRIEND WOULD PLAY

WITH THE KID ACROSS THE STREET.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, AND I'D BE LIKE, "HEY,

I GUESS WE'LL MEET UP LATER."

BUT HE'D BE LIKE, "WHATEVER,

QUEER."

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK, THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU THINK IT'S TRENDY FOR

YOUNG KIDS IN JAPAN TO GET

TATTOOS OF WORDS WRITTEN IN

ENGLISH?

[LAUGHTER]

HUH?

DO YOU THINK THEY'RE WALKING

AROUND OVER THERE, "HEY, KIM,

CHECK THIS OUT.

I JUST GOT IT YESTERDAY.

IT MEANS LOVE AND WATER."

[LAUGHTER]

OH, THAT'S SEXY.

NAH.

I DON'T LIKE TATTOOS.

I KNOW MY GENERATION LOVES

TO GET 'EM.

I'M NOT A FAN.

MY FRIENDS TRY TO ALWAYS SELL ME

ON 'EM.

THEY'RE LIKE, "TATTOOS,

THAT'S AN ARTISTIC EXPRESSION."

I'M LIKE, "WOW, BECAUSE IT LOOKS

LIKE A BUTTERFLY ABOVE YOUR

COOTER.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I GUESS IN YOUR CIRCLE,

THAT'S ART."

I THINK IF YOU'RE GONNA GET A

TATTOO, JUST GET ONE, THE WORDS,

"I'M DUMB," THAT'S IT.

THAT WAY, IN TEN YEARS,

WHEN YOU GO, "WHY DID I GET

THIS?

YOU CAN BE LIKE, "OH.

I'M DUMB."

[LAUGHTER]

"ME NOT TALKIE NO MORE."

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

GIRLS IN LOS ANGELES LIKE TO SAY

THIS.

"I'M NOT RELIGIOUS, BUT I'M

SPIRITUAL."

OOH.

I LIKE TO REPLY, "I'M NOT

HONEST, BUT YOU'RE INTERESTING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M KINDA CRAZY.

I AM.

I HAVE VOICES IN MY HEAD.

BUT THEY SPEAK IN SPANISH,

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE

SAYING.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S IRRITATING.

I WISH ONE OF 'EM WOULD GET A

JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE MY VOICES, DON'T WORRY

ABOUT 'EM.

WHAT'S A GOOD TIME FOR ME?

I'LL TELL 'YA.

MY FAVORITE ROBE, SOME YOGURT,

AND AN EPISODE OF

TRADING SPACES.

OH.

THEN I'M IN HEAVEN.

[CHEERING]

DO YOU LOVE TRADING SPACES?

I DO.

I WOULD NEVER BE ON THAT SHOW,

THOUGH.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO TRUST YOUR

FRIENDS TO DECORATE YOUR HOUSE.

YOU HAVE NOT MET MY FRIENDS.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DO NOT HAVE MY BEST

INTEREST AT HEART.

'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS SOME

OVER-THE-TOP, ECCENTRIC INTERIOR

DESIGNER COMIN' IN, GOING, "OH,

MY GOODNESS, I LOVE THIS PLACE.

THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING FOR

YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE.

CIRCUS TENT.

BIG CIRCUS TENT.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND WOULD

LIKE A CIRCUS TENT?"

"OH, YEAH, HE'D LOVE

A CIRCUS TENT."

[LAUGHTER]

"NO, NO, NO, YEAH.

WHY DON'T YOU GO DIG UP

THE HARDWOOD FLOORS, GET DOWN

TO THE DIRT.

THAT WAY, THE PONIES WILL

FEEL AT HOME."

[LAUGHTER]

"GREAT.

WE'RE UNDER BUDGET."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

PIECE A ASS, AND I SHOULD KNOW.

I'VE BEEN THERE ALMOST EVERY

TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I NEVER GOT A "BIRDS AND

THE BEES" SPEECH AS A CHILD.

I REMEMBER THE CLOSEST THING

I EVER GOT.

ONE TIME MY DAD WAS COOKING

BREAKFAST.

HE'S LIKE, "SON, YOU BETTER

LISTEN UP, 'CAUSE I'M ONLY

GONNA SAY THIS ONE TIME."

HE WAS IN THE FUJIS.

[LAUGHTER]

THANKS.

"SEX IS A LOT LIKE THIS EGG."

I'M LIKE, "EGG?

DAD, I THINK THAT'S DRUGS."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHATEVER, QUEER."

[LAUGHTER]

"WHY IS EVERYONE SAYING THAT?"

"JUST LISTEN, ALL RIGHT?"

"FIRST THING I DO IS HEAT UP

THE BED REAL NICE, GET IT NICE

AND WARM, GET IT READY FOR HER.

THEN YOU GOTTA TAKE HER,

CRACK OVER THE HEAD, AND LAY HER

OUT FLAT, ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, NOW.

WAIT TILL SHE STARTS SIZZLIN'

REALLY GOOD.

THEN YOU CAN FLIP HER ON OVER.

THERE YOU GO.

YEAH.

OH.

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED,

OR YOU GET YELLOW STUFF ALL OVER

THE BACON."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH.

OOH, THAT'S A GROSS--

NO, IT'S NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S A BREAKFAST JOKE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT JOKE

OF THE DAY.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THAT,

YOU'RE GONNA GET SLEEPY AROUND

11:30.

AND YOU'LL BE LIKE, "WHY AM I

SO TIRED?"

MAYBE NOT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS DATING THIS GIRL.

SHE GOT A BOOB JOB, A BREAST

ENLARGEMENT.

BUT SHE PUTS SQUEAK TOYS IN 'EM.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

AND I'M LIKE [SQUEAKING] AH!

[LAUGHTER]

SHE WAS A CLOWN, SO IT WAS

A TAX WRITE-OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

I ALMOST GOT BURNED THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, YEAH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

THAT IS?

FINE, I DON'T CARE.

THAT'S A GAME I USED TO PLAY

AS A CHILD, THE FLOOR IS LAVA.

IT'S WHEN YOU'D CLIMB ON ALL

THE FURNITURE IN YOUR HOUSE,

AND YOU COULDN'T TOUCH THE

FLOOR.

YEAH, YOU MIGHT HAVE CALLED IT

SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT,

BUT IT MEANT THE SAME THING.

YOU WERE POOR.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

'CAUSE I REMEMBER GOING,

"MOM, I WOULD LIKE A NINTENDO."

AND SHE'S LIKE "THE FLOOR'S

LAVA."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

IS WRONG WITH OUR HOUSE?"

"WHY CAN'T WE AFFORD CARPET?"

IT'S CALLED TWO JOBS, BITCH.

NO.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S HOW I USED TO TALK.

I WAS VERY STREET.

ALL RIGHT, MAYBE NOT.

I'M GONNA BE A HORRIBLE FATHER.

BUT I KNOW THIS.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

SO I THINK THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

TRUST ME, I HAVE A LOT OF

FRIENDS LIKE, "I'M GONNA MAKE

A GREAT DAD."

WOW, BECAUSE YOU'RE A COMPLETE

LOSER NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW I'M NOT AGAINST

RESPONSIBILITY.

I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING INTO

LEGALLY ADOPTING A

GRANDDAUGHTER.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

'CAUSE BEING A GRANDPA IS COOL,

AND IT'S REALLY EASY.

IT'LL BE AWESOME.

I'LL ADOPT SOME CUTE LITTLE

14-YEAR OLD GIRL.

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, DAD,

THANKS FOR ADOPT-- "

I'M LIKE, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

I'M YOUR GRANDPA."

AND SHE'LL BE LIKE, "OH.

WELL, SEE 'YA AT CHRISTMAS."

[LAUGHTER]

COUPLE YEARS GO BY.

SHE'S IN COLLEGE.

COMES HOME WITH SOME OF HER

FRIENDS.

BE LIKE, "HEY, GIRLS.

WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE

AND SIT ON GRANDPA'S LAP."

THEN SHE'LL BE LIKE,

"OH, GRANDPA."

BECAUSE YOU NEVER REPORT GRANDPA

FOR BEING CREEPY.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

DO YOU LIVE IT?

YOU DON'T.

I LIVE IT.

I HAVE A GREAT LIFE.

MY FRIENDS THINK IT'S SO MUCH

BETTER THAN IT REALLY IS.

WHY?

BECAUSE I MAKE IT BETTER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHERE I'M WORKING

NEXT WEEK?

HAWAII.

YEAH.

I'M GONNA BE IN HAWAII.

ALL RIGHT, REALLY, I'M GONNA BE

IN NEWBURN, NORTH CAROLINA.

YEAH.

BUT IN MY MIND--

[LAUGHTER]]

I'M GOING TO HAWAII.

AND YOU CAN DO IT, TOO.

AND IT IS A LOT CHEAPER.

[LAUGHTER]

ANY TIME YOU'RE GOING SOMEPLACE

THAT YOU DON'T WANNA GO, JUST

PRETEND YOU'RE GOING TO HAWAII.

PACK A BUNCH OF FLOWERED SHIRTS

JUMP OFF THE PLANE.

BE LIKE, "ALOHA, EVERYBODY.

[CHUCKLES]

WHERE'S MY LEI?"

"YOU'RE IN TROUBLE."

ORDER TROPICAL DRINKS ALL WEEK.

WHEN YOU GET HOME,

YOUR FRIENDS'LL BE LIKE, "HEY,

WE'VE NEVER BEEN TO HAWAII.

HOW WAS IT?"

AND JUST BE LIKE, "EH--

WAS ALL RIGHT."

I EVEN TOOK MY GIRLFRIEND

LAST WEEK TO PARIS.

THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S LIKE,

"THIS LOOKS A LOT LIKE

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA."

AND I'M LIKE, "SHUT UP,

BRITNEY SPEARS."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "QUIT CALLING ME

BRITNEY SPEARS."

AND I'M LIKE "NO ONE TALKS

TO "THE ROCK" LIKE THAT, BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

[CHEERING]

WHICH IS REALLY FUNNY,

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE

A GIRLFRIEND.

[LAUGHTER.

THAT WAS JUST SOME LADY

ON THE BUS.

SHE DID NOT SMELL WHAT I WAS

COOKING.

[LAUGHTER]

HAVE YOU GUYS FLOWN SINCE 11-9?

I'M EUROPEAN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NOT FUN TO FLY,

I'LL TELL 'YA.

I HAVE ONE OF THOSE CELL PHONES

WITH THE EAR-PIECE THAT HANGS

STRAIGHT DOWN.

SO WHEN YOU TALK, YOU LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE CRAZY.

EVERYBODY EAVESDROPS ON YOUR

CONVERSATION.

THEY DON'T WANT TO.

THEY'RE FORCED TO BECAUSE

YOU PROJECT RIGHT ONTO THE AIR.

SO WHEN I GET A PHONE CALL

AT THE AIRPORT, I'LL ADMIT IT.

I LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

GO AHEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

GATE 47 IS COMPLETELY CLEAR.

PEOPLE NOTICE IN A HURRY.

"HONEY, SOMETHING'S GOING ON.

THAT GUY HAS A WIRE HANGING

DOWN.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE STANDING

RIGHT-- "

"STAND DOWN, BLUE TEAM!

STAND DOWN, BLUE TEAM!"

"HONEY, THERE IS A STING

GOING ON HERE AT THE AIRPORT.

I AM NOT FEELING SAFE.

PLACE LET'S--"

"STAND DOWN, BLUE TEAM!

DON'T-- HOLD ON, THE SUSPECT'S

APPROACHING.

HE'S IN A BUSINESS SUIT

WITH A BRIEFCASE.

I REPEAT, THE BRIEFCASE

IS IN HIS HAND."

AND I FIND SOME RANDOM

BUSINESSMAN.

I RUN, I JUST BEAT THE CRAP

OUT OF HIM.

AND EVERYBODY STARTS CLAPPING.

"THANK YOU FOR MAKING OUR

AIRWAYS SAFE."

AND THEN I GO GET ON MY PLANE.

AND THAT GUY'S JUST GOT A

WEIRD STORY TO TELL FOR THE REST

OF HIS LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

HE'S LIKE "I'M NEVER GOING BACK

TO LOS ANGELES AGAIN.

I WAS AT THE AIRPORT A COUPLE

DAYS AGO, AND THIS GUY CAME

OUTTA NOWHERE.

AND HE JUST BEAT ME UP."

[LAUGHTER]

"AND EVERYBODY JUST CLAPPED.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE

PEOPLE?"

I THINK BOXERS ARE THE GREATEST

ATHLETES OF ALL SPORTS, FOR THE

SIMPLE FACT THAT THEY DON'T CRY.

THAT IS MIND BLOWING.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PUNCHED

IN THE NOSE?

OH, MY GOSH, IT HURTS SO BAD.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO A CORNER

WHERE SOME LITTLE MAN YELLS

AT 'EM.

"SHUT UP, I JUST GOT PUNCHED

IN THE FACE."

[LAUGHTER]

"YEAH, I KNOW, DODGE AND PUNCH

MORE.

IT IS A VERY SIMPLE CONCEPT."

IF I WAS A BOXER, YOU KNOW WHO

I WOULD HIRE FOR MY CORNER MAN?

MY MOM.

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST SHE COULD MAKE ME FEEL

GOOD ON THE INSIDE.

"I DON'T WANNA FIGHT ANYMORE."

"WHO'S MY BIG BOY?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU ARE.

YES, YOU-- DO YOU WANT ME

TO CALL HIS PARENTS?

NO?

OKAY, THEN DRY THOSE TEARS,

PUSSY, THAT'S WHY DAD LEFT."

[LAUGHTER]

IS A HORRIBLE SCENARIO.

I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH 'YA.

BUT IF YOU HADDA EAT ANOTHER

HUMAN BEING TO SURVIVE,

DO YOU THINK THEY TASTE LIKE

THEIR ETHNIC BACKGROUND?

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU THINK MEXICANS ARE SPICY?

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE CHIPS AND

SALSA BEFORE YOU BITE INTO ONE?

YOU CAN START LAUGHING NOW.

I'M GONNA DO EVERYBODY IN HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

CHINESE PEOPLE, ARE YOU HUNGRY

30 MINUTES LATER FOR MORE?

[LAUGHTER]

LET'S GO, EVERYBODY.

BLACK PEOPLE--

TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL'S FAIR, ALL'S FAIR.

WHITE PEOPLE?

ALL RIGHT, YOU DON'T EAT

WHITE PEOPLE.

I'M SORRY, I DON'T MAKE

THE RULES.

[LAUGHTER]

DO YOU AT LEAST UNDERSTAND

WHY I END THE JOKE THAT WAY?

BECAUSE IT'S SO FUNNY TO MAKE

A ROOM FULL OF WHITE PEOPLE

UNCOMFORTABLE.

[LAUGHTER]

"OH, SEE, WE LAUGHED AT

BLACK PEOPLE TASTE LIKE CHICKEN,

'CAUSE WE KINDA THOUGHT YOU WERE

GONNA THROW ONE IN OUR

DIRECTION.

AND NOW YOU PRETTY MUCH

HUNG US OUT TO DRY."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST A JOKE.

WHAT IF THAT JOKE IS THE REASON

I DON'T GET INTO HEAVEN?

LIKE I GET UP TO HEAVEN,

FIND OUT GOD'S BLACK.

YEAH.

HE COMES WALKING UP TO ME.

"AH, THAT JOKE WASN'T FUNNY,

MOTHER(BLEEP).

LEMME TELL YOU SUMPIN', THAT

BLACK PEOPLE TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.

WHITE PEOPLE TASTE LIKE MACARONI

AND CHEESE, BITCH."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

CALM DOWN, CRACKERS, THIS AIN'T

A RALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T WANT ANYONE GETTIN'

THE WRONG IDEA.

I KNOW-- THAT-- I DOUBT GOD'S

USIN' THAT KINDA LANGUAGE.

AND THAT'S A VERY STEREOTYPICAL

VOICE I USED FOR AN

AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

I APOLOGIZE.

HOW MANY BLACK COMICS HAVE YOU

HEARD IN YOUR LIFETIME GO,

"YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE.

HI, BOB, HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, TOM, THANKS FOR ASKIN'."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT AT ALL.

THAT'S VERY OFFENSIVE.

I DO THAT JOKE ONE NIGHT,

AND OF COURSE A WHITE LADY CAME

RUNNING UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW.

SHE GOES, "WHAT GIVES YOU THE

RIGHT TO DO JOKES ABOUT BLACK

PEOPLE LIKE THAT?"

I'M LIKE, "LISTEN, LADY.

MY BEST FRIEND IS CUBAN,

AND THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SORRY."

[LAUGHTER]

DOES EVERYBODY HOPEFULLY THEIR

WJD BRACELETS ON?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS,

EVERYBODY?

'WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?'

THEY'RE NOT MAGICAL.

THEY'RE JUST A REMINDER

TO BE A BETTER PERSON, TO LIVE

A BETTER LIFE.

IT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE I WAS WEARING MY BRACELET

RECENTLY, AND I WAS IN THE MOVIE

THEATER.

THIS GUY'S CELL PHONE WENT OFF.

DON'T YOU JUST HATE THAT?

YEAH.

AND I'M LIKE, "WOO."

AND THEN HE PICKED IT UP.

"HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M IN A MOVIE."

AND I'M LIKE, "HEY, GET OFF

THE PHONE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "MIND YOUR OWN

BUSINESS."

AND I ALMOST WENT CRAZY.

BUT THEN I LOOKED AT MY

BRACELET.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

SO I LIT HIM ON FIRE

AND SENT HIM TO HELL.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I DID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL BE HONEST, I FELT A LOT

BETTER AFTERWARDS.

THOSE THINGS WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS.

THAT PHRASE SHOULD END WITH,

"JUST KIDDING."

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD.

I'M NOT A GOOD SPORT.

I'LL ADMIT IT.

I DON'T ENJOY WATCHING OTHER

PEOPLE SUCCEED.

THAT'S WHY ALL MY BEST FRIENDS

ARE IN THE SEVENTH GRADE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN DO IT, TOO.

IT'S GREAT FOR YOUR ESTEEM.

NO MATTER WHAT, THEY COME--

"OH, I GOT AN A ON MY PAPER."

"OH, I HAVE A CAR."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIKE GAME SHOWS.

I DON'T LIKE WATCHIN' PEOPLE

WIN MONEY.

MY BIGGEST FEAR IN MY LIFE'S

MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR KNOCKS

ON MY DOOR ONE DAY.

[KNOCKS]

"HEY, DANIEL, GET OUT HERE.

I JUST WON THE LOTTERY.

I'M OUTTA HERE FOR GOOD."

"HOLD ON.

NOW HAVE YOU TOLD ANYBODY YET?"

"N-- N-- NO, YOU'RE THE FIRST

ONE."

[BANG]

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN

CREMATE SOMEONE IN A GAS

FIREPLACE, BUT I'LL FIND OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THESE GAME SHOWS GIVING AWAY

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT?

I'D LIKE A GAME SHOW WITH

MILLIONAIRES ON IT.

AND THEY HAVE TO PLAY WITH THEIR

OWN MONEY.

YEAH, AND THEY CAN'T WIN MONEY,

THEY CAN ONLY LOSE, TILL ONE

OF 'EM GOES COMPLETELY BROKE.

AND THE SHOW'S CALLED,

"HA, HA, NOW YOU'RE POOR."

[LAUGHTER]

I'D WATCH THAT SHOW EVERY DAY.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S "HA-HA NOW YOU'RE POOR"

TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE DANCE YOU DO

WHEN IT COMES ON, I GUESS.

[LAUGHTER]

Daniel Tosh: NOW YOU KNOW

THE WORST TELEVISION, MTV.

I CAN'T ST-- MUSIC TELEVISION.

THEY CALL IT THAT.

THEY DON'T EVEN PLAY MUSIC.

HOW'S THAT LEGAL?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT IF EVERYBODY DID THAT?

"HEY, THANKS FOR CALLIN'

NEW YORK PIZZA."

"YEAH, GIVE ME TWO LARGE

PEPPERONI PIZZAS."

"OH, WE DON'T SELL PIZZA."

"WHAT?"

"NO, WE JUST HAVE RACCOON HATS

AND EYE PATCHES.

CALL THE BOOK STORE IF YOU'RE

HUNGRY."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE A SHOW ON MTV

THAT I CAN'T STAND-- "CRIBS."

YOU EVER WATCH "CRIBS?"

YEAH, THAT SHOW SHOULD BE CALLED

"WANNA FEEL LIKE A FAILURE?"

[LAUGHTER]

LITTLE BOWWOW HAS AN S SERIES.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

TELL YOU WHAT, THOUGH.

IF I EVER GET REALLY FAMOUS,

I PROMISE YOU THE GREATEST

"CRIBS" EPISODE OF ALL TIME.

OH, YOU CAN TRUST ME ON THIS

ONE.

I'M GONNA HIRE UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

TO COME OVER TO MY HOUSE,

BUILD AN EXTENSION OF CAVES

AND CORRIDORS THAT GO FROM

MY BEDROOM TO THE BATHROOM.

THAT WAY, EVERY NIGHT,

WHEN I WAKE UP TO GO PEE,

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I WAKE UP, RIGHT?

I'M LIKE SCARED AND NERVOUS.

AND I HAVE TO GO.

AND THE CAMERA CREW'S FOLLOWING

ME.

I'M LIKE, "OOH."

AND I HIRE VIN DIESEL TO HIDE

AND JUMP OUT AND SCARE ME

AND SWORD FIGHT ME.

AND HE'S LIKE "PREPARE TO DIE."

AND I'M LIKE, "CALM DOWN,

YOU OVER-ACTOR.

I'M PAYING YOU TO LOSE."

AND HE'S LIKE-- [NOISE].

AND THEN I KILL HIM.

AND THERE'S A PRINCESS TIED UP.

AND SHE'S LIKE, "THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG."

I'M LIKE, "NO TIME FOR TALK,

YOU GOTTA TINKLE.

LET'S RUN."

WE START GOING.

THE WALLS STREET CLOSIN' IN.

YEAH, THERE'S DOORS GOING DOWN,

AND ROCKS EVERYWHERE.

AND WE HAVE TO GO ACROSS AN OLD

ROPE BRIDGE.

BUT HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROPE

BRIDGE, THE BOTTOM ONE SETS

ON FIRE AND IT SNAPS.

AND SHE FALLS, BUT I GOT HER

WITH ONE ARM.

YEAH, I CAN FEEL HER SLIPPIN.

BUT SHE'S LOOKING UP AT ME,

GOING, "I'LL NEVER STOP LOVING

YOU."

CLOSE UP ON MY EYES, AND A CLOSE

UP ON HER EYES, AND I CLOSE UP

ON MY EYES...

LIKE-- AND THEN SHE FALLS.

LIKE, "AAAAH!"

AND I'M LIKE, "WHYYYYY?

WHYYYY?"

AND I SNAP OUTTA THAT.

I GOTTA PEE LIKE A RACEHORSE.

BACK UP ONTO THE ROPE.

I GET TO THE BATHROOM.

I PULL MY PAJAMAS DOWN,

'CAUSE I SIT DOWN AND PEE LIKE

A GIRL WHEN I'M AT MY HOUSE.

IT'S MY HOUSE, I FEEL MORE

COMFORTABLE THAT WAY.

DON'T JUDGE ME, THE BIBLE SAYS

NOT TO.

BUT AS SOON AS I SIT DOWN,

A HOLOGRAM OF MY DAD POPS UP.

AND HE'S LIKE, "DANIEL, THIS IS

YOUR FATHER.

MAKE SURE YOU LOOK BEHIND THE

SHOWER CURTAIN BEFORE YOU--."

TOO LATE.

A DRAGON COMES FROM BEHIND

THE SHOWER CURTAIN.

YEAH.

IT'S GONNA SPRAY ME WITH FIRE,

BUT I RIP THE MEDICINE CABINET

OFF, RIGHT?

MIRROR CHING-CHING, KILLS THE

DRAGON.

AND THEN I GOT TO THE BATHROOM.

I GO BACK TO BED.

AND NO ONE EVEN KNOWS I ADDED

THESE EXTENSIONS ON TO MY HOUSE.

IT'S TOP SECRET.

MY MAID COMES RUNNIN' IN.

"DANIEL, DANIEL!

WHAT'S WITH ALL THAT RUCKUS?"

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, HELGA,

IT WAS NOTHING.

NOW GET BACK TO YOUR QUARTERS."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HMMM."

THEN I ROLL OVER AND STARE

AT THE CAMERA CREW, AND I GO,

"SHHHH."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THE CAMERA GOES BACK

ONTO VIN DIESEL'S BODY.

CLOSE UP ON HIS FACE.

AND THEN HIS EYES OPEN.

WELL, DID YOU GET CHILLS?

YEAH.

LET'S SEE P. DIDDY TOP THAT

CRIB.

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