Comedy Central Presents
Season 13

CC Presents: Doug Benson (2009)

  • Season 13, Ep 2
  • 01/11/2009

Doug Benson loves keeping his socks on during sex and hates imaginary Famous Amos knockoff cookies.

I'VE GONE ON A COUPLEOF MySpace DATES --

YOU KNOW, DATES FROM MySpace.

DOUG-UNDERSCORE-BENSON.

AND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...IT NEVER GOES WELL.

IT NEVER WORKS OUTBECAUSE IT'S SCARY, YOU KNOW?

YOU GET TO KNOW THE PERSONOVER THE INTERNET,

BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU'VE GOTTO SEE THEM FACE-TO-FACE,

AND THAT DRIVE OVER THERE,THE WHOLE WAY, I'M LIKE,

"OH, GOD, I HOPE 'DATELINE'ISN'T THERE."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"NOT AGAIN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I WANT TO FINISH MY LEMONADEAND MY COOKIE THIS TIME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T WANT TO GET ATTACKEDBY A GIANT SHRUBBERY MAN.

THAT SEEMS EXCESSIVE."

IT'S TOUGH FOR ME, THOUGH,BECAUSE WOMEN SAY --

THEY LIKE TO SAY

THAT THE NUMBER-ONE THINGTHEY LOOK FOR IN A MAN

IS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]AND -- YEAH.

AND WHEN WOMEN SAY THAT,THEY ARE LYING LIARS

WHO ARE LYINGOUT OF THEIR LYING HOLE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE DONE THE RESEARCH,

AND I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WOMENARE REALLY LOOKING FOR

ARE LARGE "PENESSESES"...

AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CASH.

[ CHEERING ]

YEAH, EXACTLY.

WOMEN SAY SENSE OF HUMOR.

AND THAT CONFUSES IGNORAMUSESLIKE ME,

'CAUSE I THINK

AS LONG AS I COME UPWITH A HILARIOUS PICK-UP LINE,

BOOM, I'M IN.

BANG, POW, MMM!

BUT IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MEN AND WOMEN HAVEA DIFFERENT SENSE OF HUMOR.

I CAME UP WITH A PICK-UP LINETHAT HAS HAD 100% FAILURE RATE.

I GO UP TO A WOMAN IN A BAR,AND I GO,

"EXCUSE ME, MISS.MY [BLEEP] JUST DIED.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I BURIED ITIN YOUR [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

THAT IS CLEVER AND ORIGINAL.

AND SOMEHOW, IT NEVER WORKS.

WHAT UP?

AND YOU GO TO MOVIES,

AND PICK-UP LINES WORKIN MOVIES ALL THE TIME,

'CAUSE IN THE SCRIPTS,EVERYBODY PLAYS ALONG.

YOU KNOW?

I SAW THAT MOVIE "DERAILED"

WITH CLIVE OWENAND JENNIFER ANISTON.

WE DIDN'T GO TOGETHER.THEY'RE IN IT.

AND...[ LAUGHTER ]

HE GOES UP TO HER IN A BAR

AND HE'S ALL SMOOTHAND BRITISH-Y AND HE'S LIKE,

"I'LL BET YOU $20

THAT I COULD KISS YOUWITHOUT TOUCHING YOUR LIPS."

AND SHE'S LIKE "HUH?!"

[ BELLOWING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW.SHE'S REALLY GOOD IN THAT ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE'S NOT LIKE RACHEL AT ALLIN THAT ONE.

SERIOUS DRAMA.

AND THEN HE JUST LEANS INAND KISSES HER,

JUST [SMOOCHES]PLANTS ONE ON HER.

AND THEN HE GOES,"THAT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY."

I MEAN, HE DOESN'T SOUND ASCREEPY AS I DO WHEN HE SAYS IT.

"THAT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, THAT WAS GOOD!

I LIKE TO LEAVE MY SOCKS ON."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT I JUST KNOW IF I TRIEDTHAT PICK-UP LINE,

I WOULD TOTALLY SCREW IT UP.

I'D BE LIKE, "HEY, LADY!

"I'LL BET YOU $5

"THAT I COULD PUT MY PENIS[BLEEP] YOUR VAGINA

"WITHOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

"WAIT, I SCREWED IT UP.I MEANT $20.

"$22.50?

"COME BACK.DID I MENTION MY [BLEEP] DIED?

"I'VE GOT FAMOUS AMOS COOKIES...

IN THIS POCKET."

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC.GOOD NIGHT!

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, LIFE TIPS --

WE ALL NEED 'EM.

IT'S DIFFICULTGETTING THROUGH LIFE.

I'VE GOT THREE TIPS TONIGHT.

TWO OF THEM ARE THINGSYOU SHOULD NEVER DO.

YOU KNOW HOW, LIKE,THERE'S THE BUCKET LIST --

THINGS YOU SHOULD DOBEFORE YOU DIE?

THIS IS KIND OFTHE [BLEEP] IT LIST.

THEN THE LAST THING,YOU DEFINITELY SHOULD DO.

ALL RIGHT, TIP NUMBER ONE.

IF YOU ARE IN AN AIRPORT

AND YOU SEE A MACHINE THAT SAYS"FREE BLOOD-PRESSURE TEST,"

DO NOT DO IT.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS VERY EXCITING,

LIKE, "WHOO-HOO!FREE BLOOD-PRESSURE TEST!

IT'S MY LUCKITY-DING-DONG DAY!"

[ IMITATES GUNFIRE ]

ALSO, DO NOT SHOOT OFFA GUN AT THE AIRPORT.

YOU WILL NEVER GET ITON THE PLANE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DOTHE BLOOD-PRESSURE-TEST MACHINE.

YOU STICK YOUR ARMIN THE MACHINE

TO GETYOUR BLOOD PRESSURE TESTED,

AND IT GETS REALLY TIGHTAROUND YOUR ARM

SO, YOU KNOW,YOU CAN BARELY MOVE,

AND THEN KIDS COMEAND STEAL YOUR [BLEEP] BAGS.

SO NOW YOU'RE STUCK THEREWATCHING YOUR SAMSONITES

RUN DOWN THE CONCOURSE,

AND YOUR BLOOD PRESSURESHOOTS UP REALLY HIGH.

TIP NUMBER TWO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

DO NOT MASTURBATEWITH HAND-SANITIZING LOTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S RIGHT, JOEY.

I'M TALKING TO YOU.

IT STINGS QUITE A BIT.DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

THERE IS ONE EXCEPTION.

IF YOU GET BLACK-OUT DRUNKONE NIGHT

AND THEN THE NEXT DAY,

YOU CANNOT REMEMBERWHERE YOUR JUNK HAS BEEN,

GO AHEAD AND PURELL IT UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND FINAL-AL-A-LIL-LY...

...ANY TWO PEOPLEWHO ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT

CAN USE THIS NEXT TIP.

ANY TWO PEOPLE -- MAN, WIFE,BOYFRIEND, GIRLFRIEND,

WHATEVER YOU ARE --YOU'RE HAVING A DISAGREEMENT.

IT HAPPENS.

WE'RE HUMAN.WE ALL HAVE DISAGREEMENTS.

BUT GET IN THE CAR TOGETHER,DRIVE TO THE MALL,

GO TO THE FOOT LOCKER SHOE STOREIN THE MALL.

FIND AN EMPLOYEE THERE,

PRESENT BOTH SIDES OF YOURARGUMENT TO THAT EMPLOYEE,

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO WEAR THE REFEREE STRIPES

UNLESS THEY'RE PREPARED TO MAKESOME SERIOUS DECISIONS.

THOSE ARE MY TIPS TO YOU!

YOU'RE WELCOME!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I WANTED TO DO THAT.I JUST WANTED TO DO THAT.

THEY MADE BIG LETTERS FOR ME.I WANTED TO RUN AROUND THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU GUYS SEEN THE MOVIE"SUPER SIZE ME"?

YEAH?

WHERE THAT GUY MORGAN SPURLOCK,

HE ATE McDONALD'S ALL DAY,EVERY DAY, FOR 30 DAYS

AND HE FILMED HIMSELFAND HE CALLED IT A MOVIE?

IT WAS DISGUSTING.

IF THAT'S A MOVIE,

I'VE GOT A MOVIECURRENTLY AVAILABLE ON DVD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, SOME OF YOU HAVE SEEN IT.

MY MOVIE IS CALLED"SUPER HIGH ME."

YES.

AND YOU HAVE TO PAUSEWHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD

BETWEEN THE WORDS"HIGH" AND "ME"

BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT SOUNDS

LIKE IT'S ABOUT AN AWESOMEMEXICAN OR JEWISH FELLOW

WHO TACKLES CRIME AND WHATNOT

NAMED "SUPER JAMIE."[hymie]

AND, UM...

I WANTED McDONALD'STO BE IN MY MOVIE, TOO,

QUITE FREQUENTLY,

'CAUSE I LOVE MESOME McDONALD'S.

BUT I HAVE A PROBLEMWITH McDONALD'S.

I HAVE A McRIBTO PICK WITH THEM...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...BECAUSE THEY CREATEDTHE PERFECT, PERFECT SNACK.

IT'S CALLED McGRIDDLES.

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HASAN "S" ON THE END.

IT'S JUST ONE SAMMICH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY EVER GOES,"I'D LIKE A BIG MACS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"GIVE ME AN EGG McMUFFINS!"

"FILET-O-FISHES WOULD BE NICE."

BUT I DON'T CARE,

BECAUSE McGRIDDLES ARE ANAMAZINGLY AMAZING AMAZINGNESS.

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT STARTS --

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,IT STARTS WITH BACON OR SAUSAGE.

THAT'S RIGHT --YOU GET TO CHOOSE.

IT'S A TOTALLYDEMOCRATIC SANDWICH.

EVEN IF YOU LIVE IN FLORIDAOR MICHIGAN, YOUR VOTE COUNTS.

YES.

IT'S ALSO GOT EGG AND CHEESE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELLCHEESE IS DOING IN THERE,

BUT I WILL LET IT SLIDE'CAUSE IT'S SO TASTY!

AND IT IS ALL ON A BUNTHAT HAS BEEN INJECTED,

LIKE A FREAKISHFERTILITY EXPERIMENT,

WITH MAPLE-SYRUP FLAVOR --

"FLAVA" IF YOU LIVEIN THE HOOD, JOEY.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU MIGHT.

SO -- HE'S VERY WHITE.

[ LAUGHTER ]SO...

SO YOU CAN HOLD IT IN YOUR HAND,AND IT'S NOT STICKY.

IT'S LIKE SCIENCE SAID,

"LET'S FORGET ABOUT ALL THEHORRIBLE DISEASES IN THE WORLD,

"AND LET'S CONCENTRATEALL OF OUR EFFORT --

"LET'S PUT ALL OF OUR ENERGYINTO CREATING A PANCAKE SANDWICH

THAT YOU CAN HOLD IN YOUR HAND,PERHAPS WHILE DRIVING."

AND THEY DID IT.

AND I SAY BRAVO

AND WELL-DONE AND HOORAY.

BUT HERE'S WHY I'M MADAT McDONALD'S.

YOU CAN ONLY ACQUIRETHIS MIRACLE SNACK

IF YOU GET YOUR ASS INTOMcDONALD'S BEFORE 10:30 A.M.

I CALL BULL CRAP!

NOT FAIR!

[ IMITATES BUZZER ]

[ WARBLES ]

I DO A BAD CHEWBACCA IMPRESSION,I GET SO ANGRY.

SO HERE'S WHAT I DO.

I WALK INTO McDONALD'SAT 3:30 IN THE AFTERNOON --

YEAH, STRONG, WILLFUL, DEFIANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I SAY, "I WOULD LIKEA McGRIDDLES!"

AND THEN THEY SAY, "NO."

AND THEN I SAY, "ALL RIGHT,CHICKEN McNUGGETS --

"36 PIECES, PLEASE.

"AND I WOULD LIKE SOMEMAPLE SYRUP TO DUNK THEM IN.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BEON THE SLIDE IN McDONALDLAND."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE MOVIES.

I DO. I LOVE 'EM.

LOVE 'EM, LOVE 'EM, LOVE 'EM.

I WAS SITTING IN MY HOTEL ROOMTHE OTHER DAY

WATCHING "KILL BILL: VOL. 1."

AND -- YEAH.

GREAT MOVIE,BUT IT WAS ON REGULAR TV.

YEAH, SO THEY CUT STUFF,

THEY CLEANED UPALL THE LANGUAGE,

LEFT IN MOST OF THE VIOLENCE,BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT --

IF LITTLE TIMMYSEES UMA THURMAN

KILL 88 DUDESWITH A SAMURAI SWORD, NO BIGGIE.

BUT IF THAT SAME KID HEARSSOMEBODY SAY THE WORD [BLEEP]

HE MIGHT GO OUT OF HIS MIND

AND COMMIT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLEATROCITIES UPON SOCIETY.

THANK GOD WE'RE BEING PROTECTED.

YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT IT DID YIELD SOME UNEXPECTEDCOMEDY IN THE MOTION PICTURE,

BECAUSE MY FAVORITE LINE --

MY FAVORITE LINEOF CLEANED-UP DIALOGUE

IN "KILL BILL: VOL. 1"

IS WHEN THE MALEORDERLY-NURSE GUY GOES,

"MY NAME IS BUCK,AND I LIKE TO PARTY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT IS EVEN WEIRDERTHAN IF HE DROPPED AN F-BOMB.

WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC --

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC,PSYCHOPATH, CRAZY PERSON

SOUNDS LIKE HE'S GONNAMAKE A RHYME

AND THEN MISSES IT COMPLETELY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MEAN, AS LONG AS THEY WERECHANGING STUFF,

WHY DIDN'T THEYMAKE HIS NAME MARTY?

THAT SEEMS LIKEA SIMPLE ENOUGH SOLUTION.

CHANGE HIS NAME TO MARTY.

"MY NAME IS MARTY,AND I LIKE TO PARTY!

LET'S HAVE A MARTY PARTY!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JOEY.JOEY.

"MY NAME IS JOEY,AND I LIKE TO --"

AND WHAT DO YOU DOFOR A LIVING, JOEY?

I'M A STUDENT.

STUDENT.GOOD FOR YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA GETINTO WHAT KIND OF --

YOU KNOW,IT'S ALL A WASTE OF TIME.

LISTEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UM, I HAVE A LITTLE CHARACTERTHAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON

THAT I WOULD LIKETO TRY RIGHT NOW,

AND I NEED YOUTO HELP ME OUT.

YOU'LL BE PLAYINGYOURSELF, JOEY.

AND I'LL TELL YOUWHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,

AND THEN WE'LL DO IT.

MY CHARACTER IS A FELLOWWHO HAS A HARD TIME

MATCHING THE GESTURE HE MAKESWITH HIS HAND

WITH THE SOUND THAT COMESOUT OF HIS MOUTH.

OKAY, THAT'S MY CHARACTER.YOU'RE JOEY.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIEOF ALL TIME, JOEY,

IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE?

"BILL & TED'SEXCELLENT ADVENTURE."

THAT IS A FANTASTIC CHOICE.

THE SUIT THREW ME OFF.

DIDN'T FIGURE YOUFOR A WEED MAN.

BUT ANYWAY...

ALL RIGHT, "BILL & TED'SEXCELLENT ADVENTURE."

SO WHAT I WANT YOUTO SAY TO ME --

I'LL BE THE CHARACTER

THAT HIS MOUTHDOESN'T MATCH HIS GESTURE,

AND YOU'RE JOEY.

AND ASK ME WHAT I THOUGHT

OF "BILL & TED'SEXCELLENT ADVENTURE."

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

SO, DUDE, I WAS WATCHINGTHIS MOVIE CALLED --

I JUST GOT TO SAY,CALLING ME "DUDE" WAS AWESOME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT WAS ALSO EXCELLENT!WHOO!

WAIT,THAT'S "WAYNE'S WORLD."

[BLEEP] THAT.

IT'S NOT "WAYNE'S WORLD.""BILL & TED."

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

OKAY, SO I WAS WATCHINGTHIS MOVIE,

"BILL & TED'SEXCELLENT ADVENTURE,"

AND I WAS WONDERING,WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT?

PBHT!

THANKS, JOEY,I APPRECIATE IT.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MEDICAL MARIJUANASHOULD BE...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU SHOULD GOTO A VOTING BOOTH SOMETIME.

MEDICAL MARIJUANASHOULD BE LEGALIZED,

BECAUSE REGULAR CIGARETTESYOU CAN BUY IN ANY STORE

ARE WORSE FOR YOU.

EVERY PACK HAS TO HAVE A WARNINGON THE SIDE, RIGHT?

IT SAYS, LIKE, "DANGER, DANGER,

YOU SMOKE THESE,YOU'RE GONNA DIE."

YOU BUY WEED, IT IS ALWAYSIN A CLEAR PLASTIC BAG...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WAIT.

...OR TUPPERWARE-LIKE CONTAINER

TO LOCK IN THE FRESHNESS --

LOCK IT, LOCK IT, LOCK IT --

WITH NO WARNING WHATSOEVER.

MAYBE THE GUY SELLING IT TO YOU

WILL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,"THIS IS REALLY BAD [BLEEP]"

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

THAT IS A WARNINGI CAN LIVE WITH.

I DIDN'T HEAR THE WORD "CANCER"ANYWHERE IN THAT WARNING.

AND I WAS PAYING ATTENTIONTHROUGH MOST OF IT.

I THINK MY BABYIS GONNA BE SAFE.

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

UH, F.Y.I.,I CAN'T HAVE A BABY.

I'M A MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

PEOPLE SAY POT SMOKERS ARE LAZY.I DISAGREE.

I'M A MULTI-TASKINGPOT SMOKER. YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOMETIMES I WILL DO TWO OR MORETHINGS AT ONCE.

LIKE JUST THE OTHER DAY,I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

I WAS PUTTING EYE DROPSIN MY EYES,

I WAS TALKING ON MY CELLPHONE,

AND I WAS GETTING HITBY A CAR --

FOUR THINGS AT ONCE,

FOR THOSE OF YOUKEEPING SCORE.

YOU DO DO DUMB THINGSWHEN YOU'RE HIGH, THOUGH.

I'M GONNA ADMIT IT.

LIKE ONE TIME I DROPPED OFFMY JACKET AT THE DRY CLEANER'S

WITH A BIG BAG OF WEEDIN THE POCKET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

AND I HAD TO GO BACK INAND CLAIM THE JACKET,

BECAUSE IT WASREALLY GOOD WEED...

AND IT WAS A PRETTY NICE JACKET.

SO I WAITED A FEW DAYS,

HOPING THAT THEY DIDN'T NOTICE,YOU KNOW,

AND THATTHE DRY-CLEANING PROCESS

WOULDN'T DO ANYTHINGTO MY WEED.

AND I WALKED IN THERE,

AND I HANDED THE GUYBEHIND THE COUNTER MY RECEIPT.

HE PRESSED THAT BUTTON

THAT MAKES THE BIG CLOTHESCAROUSEL THINGY GO AROUND.

AND I COULD SEE,RIDING THROUGH THE STORE,

MY JACKET, WITH THE POTPINNED TO THE LAPEL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

I WAS SO PROUD.

IT WAS LIKE MY JACKETWAS GOING TO A POT PROM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

TEAR.

PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN.

THEY GROW UP TOO FAST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SAW A DOG IN A CAGE,

AND THE CAGE HAD A SIGN ON ITTHAT SAID, "I BITE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HANG ON, THERE'S MORE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT IS GOODTO KNOW, DOGGIE.

"BUT THAT'S NOT THE MOSTIMPORTANT THING ABOUT YOU.

YOU SHOULD MAKE A SIGNTHAT SAYS, 'I MAKE SIGNS.'"

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH!

I WENT TO A SEXUAL-HARASSMENTSEMINAR RECENTLY.

YEAH, SO NOW I THINKI'M GONNA BE PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

I'M EXCITED.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TRY OUTWHAT I LEARNED.

NICE BOOBS OVER THERE...

SIR.

THOSE ARE SOME AMAZING,AMAZING MAN BOOBS.

DO YOU GUYS THINK

THAT "TODAY" SHOW WEATHERMANAL ROKER,

WHEN HE'S MAKING SWEET LOVETO HIS LADY --

YEAH, I KNOW,DON'T PICTURE IT --

DO YOU THINK HE EVERLOOKS HER IN THE EYES AND SAYS,

"NOW LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ONIN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DO.

I THINK HE DO.

I LIKE TO LEAVE MY SOCKS ONDURING SEX.

WHAT -- WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?

IT'S JUST ME ALONEAT THE COMPUTER.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKEIF I LEAVE MY SOCKS ON?

MY TOOTSIES GET COLD.

IT'S CHILLYIN MY PARENTS' BASEMENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS A TREAT,BESIDES SEX WITH ME?

[ LAUGHTER ]

COOKIES MADE BY FAMOUS AMOS.

HAVE YOU HAD THOSEFAMOUS AMOS COOKIES?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]OH, MY GOD!

THEY'RE DELICIOUS!THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS!

I LOVE 'EM!THEY'RE DELICIOUS!

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,

WE COULDN'T AFFORDFAMOUS AMOS COOKIES.

WE HAD TO EATTHE KNOCKOFF BRAND.

YEAH, WE HAD TO EAT COOKIESMADE BY HEINOUS ANUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

THOSE ARE SOME [BLEEP] COOKIES.

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