Wednesday, March 18, 2015

  • 03/18/2015

Rick Glassman, Bianca Kajlich and Ron Funches of "Undateable" learn about the Knockout Challenge, guess which strange wrestling videos are real and write awful Tinder bios.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: COMPLEX.COM POSTED AVIDEO OF PEOPLE FROM ALL

DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFEPARTICIPATING IN SOMETHING

CONTROVERSIAL CALLED THEKNOCKOUT CHALLENGE.

COMEDIANS, WHAT IS THE KNOCKOUTCHALLENGE?

A, TAKING A HIT FROM ACOMBINATION BEER/WEED BONG AT

THE SAME TIME.

B, DRINKING A SHOT OF GHOSTPENNER HOT SAUCE WITH A SPICY

KIMCHI CHASER.

C, POURING A BUCKET OF ALMONDMILK ON YOURSELF TO RAISE

AWARENESS OF LACTOSEINTOLERANCE.

RON FUNCHES.

>> I AM AFRAID TO SAY I DO KNOWTHIS ONE QUITE WELL.

>> Chris: AND I AM AFRAID TO SAYNONE OF US ARE SURPRISED.

>> BUT I DON'T DRINK, ACTUALLY ILIKE TO FILL IT UP WITH GRAPE

JUICE AS A FUN PRIZE.

BUT THE ANSWER IS, IN FACT, A.

>> Chris: YES.

IT IS A.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> Chris: HIS MAGNETIC GLASSARE PULLED APART TO MATCH WHERE

HIS EYES ARE LOOKING.

AND THIS PROVES THAT THEKNOCKOUT CAN GET THE BASS PLAYER

IN YOUR DAD'S STEELY DAN COVERBAND SUPER BAKED.

WHAT WERE THE FIRST WORDSUTTERED BY THIS WRECKED

GENTLEMAN AFTER SUCCESSFULLYCOMPLETING THE KNOCKOUT

CHALLENGE? RON?

>> NOW I TOTALLY GET THE COMEDICSTYLINGS OF RON FUNCHES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YEP.

THAT IS YOUR AUDIENCE RIGHTTHERE.

>> I WILL TAKE THEM.

>> Chris: MEN 54 TO 56 WITHSEGMENTED EYEGLASSES.

A MUCH SOUGHT-AFTER DEMOGRAPHIC.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

IT SEEMS EVEN THE ONES GREATGALACTIC EMPIRE FALLEN INTO

FINANCIAL HARDSHIP.

CHAROLETTE NEW STATION WSOCREPORTED ON A BIZARRE ROBBERY BY

THIS MASKED MAN, DRESSED ASDARTH VADER.

"MAN ROBBED THE CREDIT UNIONWEARING A DARTH VADER MASK."

AND ALSO DEMANDED THE LOCATIONOF THE REBEL COMMANDER BASE.

COMEDIANS, AS DARTH VADER, WHATWOULD YOU SAY WHEN YOU ROBBED A

BANK, RICK GLASSMAN?

>> I APOLOGIZE I KNOW I ALREADYHAVE A BAD REPUTATION. I HAVE

FALLEN ON HARD TIMES. I HAVESOME RESPIRATORY PROBLEMS AND MY

SON HAS JUST LOST HIS HAND.

IF YOU COULD JUST PUT THE MONEYIN THE --

>> Chris: FANTASTIC.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: BIANCA.

>> PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG.

I AM 18 YEARS BEHIND ON CHILDSUPPORT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

POINTS.

>> GOOD BREATHING.

GOOD BREATHING.

>> Chris: RON.

>> BE COOL, BRO.

DON'T FORCE ME TO KILL YOU.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD, I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE IT.

DARTH VADER HAS A LITTLE BIT OFSELF-AWARENESS. POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THIS SATURDAY MARCH21ST IS THE NINTH ANNIVERSARY OF

THE FIRST EVER TWEET, OF COURSESENT BY JACK DORSEY, FOUNDER

OF TWITTER BACK WHEN THECOMPANY COULDN'T AFFORD TO BUY

ANY VOWELS.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS ANNIVERSARY,TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#BeforeTwitterI -- AWW.

OH, BEFORE TWITTER EXAMPLESMIGHT BE DID NOT KNOW THE

(BLEEP) THAT GUY'S DAD SAYS ORGOT IN FEWER CAR ACCIDENTS.

OR WALKED AROUND SHOUTING WHEREIS THE FOOD TRUCK?

SO I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK STARTING NOW AND

BEGIN. -- RICK GLASSMAN.

>> BEFORE TWITTER I TRUSTED JACKWITH MY IDEA FOR TWITTER.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BIANCA.

>> WAS NEVER CALLED BAE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

>> DIDN'T KNOW WHICH OF MYFRIENDS WERE RACIST.

>> Chris: RICK.

>> HAD FRIENDS AND HOBBIES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> I KNEW WHAT COLOR HER DRESSWAS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICK.

>> I STILL DIDN'T GET LAID.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BIANCA.

>> NEVER MASTURBATED TO CHRISHARDWICK.

>> Chris: WHAT? POINTS.

OH! I AM GOING TO SEND YOUTHOSE "SINGLED OUT" VHS TAPES.

RON FUNCHES.

>> HAD THE MOST EXCLUSIVE TOPEIGHT IN ALL OF MYSPACE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

RICK.

>> DIDN'T REALIZE HOW FEW FANS IACTUALLY HAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> STALKED CHRIS HARDWICK THEOLD-FASHIONED WAY.

>> Chris: YAY!

NOW IT IS TIME TO PLAYWRASTLIN' VIDEOS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

TO SUCCEED IN THE WORLD OFPROFESSIONAL WRESTLING,

IT TAKES BRASS BALLS, AN IRONWILL AND THE ABILITY TO SAY,

ANYTHING YOU WANT, MR. MCMAHON.

ALSO HAVING A COUPLE OF BATS INTHE OLD BELFRY DOESN'T HURT

EITHER.

SO I WILL DESCRIBE TWO CRAZYWRESTLING SCENARIOS AND FOR 250

POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELL MEWHICH ONE THERE IS ACTUAL

FOOTAGE OF, ALL RIGHT?

FIRST A BATTLING NINE-YEAR-OLDASIAN GIRL OR WRESTLER SUCKER

PUNCHED BY A CLOWN AND PUKES ONA REF.

RON FUNCHES.

>> NOW, I KNOW THEY MIGHT BEMEANING BACK IN THE 80s IN THE

DOINK THE CLOWN ERA, BUT I DON'TFEEL LIKE IT IS, SO I WILL GO

WRESTLING THE NINE-YEAR-OLDASIAN GIRL --

BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO SEE THAT.

>> Chris: OKAY.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OH, PENNY OMEGA!

>> I MEAN, I CAN TELL -- IT'SFAKE.

>> Chris: NO!

>> IT'S FAKE.

>> Chris: NEXT ONE --

A NEW WRESTLER DOES A FACE PLANTDURING HIS DEBUT ENTRANCE OR

REFEREE GETS KICKED IN THE BALLSBYW A RING GIRL.

RICK GLASSMAN.

>> I WILL SAY REFEREE GETSKICKED IN THE BALLS BY A RING

GIRL.

>> HE'S WRONG, IT'S FACE-PLANT--

>> HOLD UP, I SAID --

NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING FORREAL?

>> Chris: WHAT?

KNOCK IT OFF.

I WILL SAY A REFEREE GETS KICKEDIN THE BALLS BY A RING GIRL, I

WANT TO SEE THAT, TOO. JUSTPIGGY-BACKING OFF YOUR

VALIDATION, BUT I HAPPEN TO KNOWIT'S THE WRESTLER FACE-PLANT.

>> NO, HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

>> Chris: LET'S SEE WHAT THECORRECT ANSWER IS.

>> OUR PARTNER IS GOING TO SHOCKTHE WORLD BECAUSE HE IS NONE

OTHER THAN THE SHOCK MASTER!

>> Chris: I MEAN, BASICALLY ITLOOKS LIKE AN IMPERIAL SOLDIER

LANDED IN A DIAMOND MINE ANDMURDERED A BEAR.

>> AND THEN ATE THE BEAR.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXTGAME, FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.

RUSSIAN CUPID IS LIKE OOKCUPID BUT FOR RUSSIAN

FOLKS-KIES.

COMEDIANS, I AM GOING TO SHOWYOU SOME PROFILES WE FOUND ON

THE SITE AND FOR 250 POINTS IWANT YOU TO FINISH THIS OKCUPID

PROFILE SENTENCE FOR THEM, "ISPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING

ABOUT" --

ALL RIGHT, FIRST --

WHAT DOES THIS BROODING A IVANSPEND A LOT OF TIME

THINKING ABOUT.

YES, RON.

>> WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE USEBOWL FOR HAIRCUT?

IT IS RIGHT THERE. IT'SSUFFICIENT.

>> Chris: OKAY.

I WILL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR TWOREASONS.

NUMBER ONE, YOUR ACCENT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Chris: AND NUMBER TWO, YOUSAID BOWL FOR HEAD CUT.

>> I KNOW WHAT I SAID.

(RON LAUGHS)

>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

WHAT IS THIS BESPECTACLED SEXPOTTHINKING ABOUT?

YEAH.

BIANCA.

>> WHAT GENDER AM I?

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

WHAT'S ON THE MIND OF THISBANGABLE MOM WITH BANGS?

>> YES, RICK.

>> HOW MUCH COULD I GET FORTHIS, HOW YOU SAY, BABY?

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS HUNGRY COMMIE,WHAT IS GOING THROUGH HIS MIND?

OH.

THIS GUY BUMMED EVERYBODY OUT.

RON.

>> LIFE IS BULL (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS.

AND I'M SAD TO SAY I DON'T THINKANYBODY IS GOING TO BE RUSHIN'

TO (BLEEP) THAT GUY.

AS WE JUST TO OUR NEXT GAME,LAME TINDER BIOS.

LAST WEEK ELLE.COM TURNED USON TO THE 20 HOTTEST DUDES ON

TINDER AND WE WERE TAKEN BY THEPROFILE OF THIS GENTLEMAN NAMED

CRILLE, HIS BIO READS I AM WHATI AM AND THAT IS ALL I AM AND

I AM IT.

(BLEEP)ING TERRIBLE.

CRILLE LOOKS LIKE HE WAS CREATEDWHEN SOMEONE SPILLED A CRAFT

BEER ON AN EDISON LIGHTBULBWHILE MUMFORD AND SONS WERE

PLAYING CREED COVER SONGS AT THEHARD ROCK CASINO.

HE IS LIKE, HE IS LIKE ATURDICKEN, I THINK IS A--

SADLY WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE HIPSTERED HARDY YOUR BIO IS IRRELEVANT.

YOU'RE STILL GOING TO GET LAID.

HOWEVER THE NON-CRILLES OF THEWORLD CAN MAKE THEMSELVES

"UNDATEABLE" WITH A FEW WRONGWORDS -- SEE "UNDATEABLE", YOU

SEE HOW IT WORKS.

SO COMEDIANS, I WOULD LIKE YOUTO COME UP WITH AS MANY TERRIBLE

TINDER BIOS AS YOU CAN IN 60SECONDS. AND BEGIN!

RON.

>> JUST YOUR AVERAGE CHILL MALERIGHT ACTIVIST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BIANCA.

>> I MAKE GREAT ROOFIE-COLADAS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> DOWN TO JUST HPV NOW.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICK.

>> MY DICK MAY BE SMALL, BUT ATLEAST I AM POOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BIANCA.

>> I PLAY BURSKI ON"UNDATEABLE".

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> MY MOM SAID SHE SWIPEDRIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RICK.

>> WAIT, THIS ISN'T GRINDR?

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON.

>> THE ONLY GHOSTBUSTERS AREMALE GHOSTBUSTERS.

>> Chris: OH, YOU SON OF ABITCH.

POINTS.

RICK.

>> I HAVE THREE BETA BLACKLOTUSES AND A SEALED MAGIC

GATHERING STARTER DECK.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BIANCA.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELLBUT THIS IS AUTHENTIC AFFLICTION

ON MY PROFILE.

>> Chris: POINTS. RON.

>> AIN'T NO FUN IF THE HOMIESCAN'T HAVE NONE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RON FUNCHES.

BIANCA.

>> I HOPE YOU LIKE FORESKIN.

>> Chris:POINTS.

>> YEAH!