Tuesday, April 14, 2015

  • 04/14/2015

Megan Neuringer, Adam Cayton-Holland and Kurt Braunohler guess what group now has access to medical marijuana, describe their #5WordMoneyProblems and play Never Have I Ever.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BOSTONIANS, WE'VE ALL BEENTHERE.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO WATCH THESOX, YA PULL UP CAPPIES, YA GET

OUT YOUR POCKETBOOK AND LIGHTSON MARBLEHEAD, YOUR POP GETS

STUCK IN THE (BLEEP)ING CAR.

>> LOOK! LOOK AT YOU.

>> YOU LOOK AT ME!

I AM STUCK IN THIS CAR.

YOU STRAPPED ME IN.

I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY THE BELTWAS DEFECTIVE.

DIDN'T I?

>> IT'S YOUR BODY.

>> CHRIS: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,I GIVE YOU PORTRAIT OF A

MASSHOLE.

HE IS HYDROPHOBIC. HE'S AFRAIDTHAT SOMEHOW WATER IS GOING

TO LEAK INTO HIS CAR WHILE HE ISSTRAPPED INTO IT.

GETTING ALL HYDROPHOBIC UP HERE.

BUT HER THING AT THE END, IDON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD IT.

HE SAID "I TOLD YOU THE SEATBELTIS DEFECTIVE" AND SHE'S LIKE,

"NO, IT'S YOUR BODY."

>> AND IT'S NEITHER, IT'SNEITHER.

THEY JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TOUSE A SEAT BELT.

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS USING YOURMOST ABRASIVE BOSTON ACCENT,

TELL THIS MAN HOW TO FREEHIMSELF. ADAM.

>> I WILL HAVE TO PRETEND HE ISMY DAD TO CHANNEL MY INNER

MASSHOLE.

HEY, POP, THAT BENEDICT ARNOLDJOHNNY DAMON IS HANGING OUT BY

BY THE WHARF.

WHY DON'T YOU GET YOUR TUBBYCARCAS OUT OF THE CAR AND

COME CURB-STOMP HIM.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> YOU'RE HYDROPHOBIC? WHAT DOYOU THINK WE ARE GOING TO PARK

THE CAR IN THE CHARLES RIVER,YOU WICKED RETARD!

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

MEDICAL MARIJUANA ISN'T JUSTFOR MARIJUANA PRETENDING THEY

HAVE ANXIETY ANYMORE.

THE DENVER COMIC IN THE MIDDLEKNOWS WHAT IT IS.

>> I GET IT.

I GET IT.

>> CHRIS: WHAT IS THE LATESTGROUP TO GET LEGAL ACCESS TO

MEDICAL WEED?

A, DOGS, B, CATS, C, POLICE.

MEGAN.

>> IT HAS TO BE DOGS.

>> CHRIS: WELL, I THINK IT NEEDSTO BE THE POLICE, BUT -- JUST TO

CHILL THEM OUT A LITTLE BIT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A, DOGS.

YEAH!

OF COURSE IT'S DOGS!

DOG POT OR CANINE-ABIS ISUSED BY COOL VETS TO TREAT DOGS

WITH PHYSICAL AILMENTS LIKECHRONIC PAIN AND THAT ONE RUN

ANY EYE THAT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONECRACKED AN EGG IN IT.

THIS DOGGY DANK IS SERVED IN DOGTREAT FORM BECAUSE YOU CAN'T

CARVE A BONG WHEN YOU DON'T HAVETHUMBS, FRIEND.

FIRST ONE'S FREE.

SERIOUSLY, LIKE HOW LONG BEFORETHE OWNERS ARE LIKE GIVE ME

THAT, GIVE ME THAT (BLEEP).

>> I ALREADY HAVE.

>> I GET CHICKEN NUGGETS AND ITGETS YOU HIGH.

>> CHRIS: COMEDIANS WHAT ISSOMETHING A DOG MIGHT TELL HIS

VETERINARIAN TO GET APRESCRIPTION FOR DOG POT, MEGAN?

>> OH, I DON'T KNOW, DOC, LADYLIFE HAS JUST BEEN REALLY RUFF.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. YEAH, YEAH,NICE. VERY WELL. POINTS.

ADAM.

>> HOW ABOUT I NEED SOMETHINGFOR MY PTSD AFTER LIVING WITH

MICHAEL VICK ALL THOSE YEARS.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

THAT'LL DO IT.

THAT IS A FAIR ANSWER.

NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAG WARS.

(APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN.

I AM SO SORRY, TO MASH YOUR@MIDNIGHT MELLOW BUT IT'S

OFFICIALLY APRIL 15, TIME TO PAYTHE TAX MAN.

IT DOESN'T SAY ANYWHERE IN THECONSTITUTION WE HAVE TO PAY

TAXES, MAN.

YEAH, TELL THAT TO THEGOVERNMENT.

I'M SURE THEY WILL BE FINE WITHTHAT RATIONALE.

PAY YOUR (BLEEP)ING TAXINGS.

HOPEFULLY YOU HAVEN'T BLOWNALL YOUR MONEY SO YOU CAN PAY

FOR WASHINGTON TO BLOW IT FORYOU.

SO IF YOU ARE LIKE MANYAMERICANS, TAXES ARE JUST

ANOTHER MONEY PROBLEM.

THAT'S WHY DON'T'S HASHTAG IS#5WordMoneyProblems.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE TAXIDERMYSPENDING OUT OF CONTROL.

OR TOO TRUSTY WITH NIGERIANPRINCE.

OR LONG TIME CHURCH SCIENTOLOGYMEMBER.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

MEGAN.

>> WOMEN PAID LESS THAN MEN.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

NO, DAMN YOU AND YOUR CORRECTLOGIC!

ADAM.

>> DOLLAR MENU DOESN'T INCLUDETAX.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

MEGAN.

>> TITS PRESS AGAINST GLASSCEILING.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

OH, THIS IS GENIUS.

THAT SHOULD BE THE NAME OFSOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO USE --

>> THAT'S MY MEMOIR.

>> CHRIS: KURT.

>> INVESTED IN ACTUAL SHARKTANK.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

I AM SORRY, I TOOK THAT LITERAL.

>> I BOUGHT THAT SHARK TANK!

>> CHRIS: I THOUGH THEY SAIDSHARK TANK! IT WASN'T ME.

>> IT TURNS OUT SHARK TANKS AREJUST A LARGE TANK.

>> CHRIS: IT ALSO TURNS OUT MARKCUBAN IS NOT FROM CUBA.

MEGAN.

>> WENT BANKRUPT IN A SEPHORA.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> ONCE SHOPPED AT WHOLE FOODS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

CAYTON-HOLLAND.

>> RENT IS DUE, JUST KIDDING.

DRUGS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

KURT.

>> MY PET TIGER LOVES COCAINE.

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAYTHE GAME NEVER SAY EVER.

THE TERRIFYING SOCIAL MEDIA-INSPIRED FILM UNFRIENDED HITS

THEATERS THIS FRIDAY.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> IT'S LAURA.

>> WHO DID THAT?>> IT WAS ME, OKAY.

(SCREAMS)

>> Chris: OH (BLEEP), SOME(BLEEP) WENT DOWN.

THE FILM'S WEBSITE HAS ANEVERHAVE I EVER GAME, AND THE

RESULTS LET YOU KNOW HOW MUCHYOU ARE LIKE THE OTHER FREAKS

ON THE INTERNET.

SO COMEDIANS I WILL SHOW YOU THEFIRST PART OF THESE NEVER HAVE I

EVER STATEMENTS AND FOR 250POINTS, I WANT YOU TO FINISH IT.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST UP: NEVER HAVEI CRIED, BLANK.

MEGAN.

>> OVER A HATEFUL INTERNETCOMMENT, BUT IT IS NOT TOO LATE,

AMERICA.

>> Chris: EVERY DAY IS ANOPPORTUNITY.

POINTS.

ADAM.

>> NEVER HAVE I EVER CRIED OUTON NATIONAL TELEVISION, YOU

SHOULD BUY MY NEW ALBUMBACKYARDS ON I-TUNES RIGHT NOW.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT BECAUSE THATIS BENEATH ME AND BENEATH THIS

SHOW.

>> CHRIS: I AM GOING TO GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR THAT BUT I AM NOT

GOING TO LIKE IT.

NEVER HAVE I EVER CRIED --DURING SEX!

OH 64 PERCENT.

JESUS!

>> 64?

>> CHRIS: WHAT IS THE (BLEEP)WRONG, AMERICA?

>> I AM KEEPING WITH THENATIONAL AVERAGE.

I'M PRETTY HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUTTHAT.

I'M RIGHT ON.

>> CHRIS: YEAH.

COME TO THINK OF IT I THINK IPROBABLY HAVE TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

NEVER HAVE I EVER USED A BLANK.

NEVER, EVER USED A BLANK, ADAMCAYTON-HOLLAND.

>> CONDOM.

>> Chris: WHY ARE YOU SAYINGTHAT?

WHY ARE YOU CHEERING THISIRRESPONSIBLE --

>> IT IS A CONSPIRACY, IT IS ABIG LATEX CONSPIRACY.

>> Chris: WHY ARE YOU CHEERINGHIS IRRESPONSIBLE RAW-DOGGING OF

AMERICA.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> NEVER HAVE I EVER USED APREPOSITION TO END A SENTENCE

WITH.

OH, (BLEEP)! (BLEEP)!

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

HERE IS ANSWER NEVER HAVE I EVERUSED A FRIEND'S TOOTHBRUSH.

22 PERCENT.

IN MY BUTT HOLE.

ALL RIGHT.

LAST ONE.

NEVER HAVE I DOVER IT IN --

KURT.

>> NEVER HAVE I EVER DONE IT INA WAY THAT EVERYONE INVOLVED

FELT COMFORTABLE AFTERWARDS.

>> Chris: THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THECRYING FROM THE EARLIER ONE.

POINTS.

THE ANSWER WAS, NEVER EVERHAVE I DONE IT IN THE BUTT.

>> THAT IS WHY THEY ARE CRYINGSO MUCH.

>> Chris: YES, YES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

>> NO, THEY HAVE. 78 PERCENT!

>> Chris: OH!

I WAS READING THAT WRONG TOO.

I WAS READING THE RED.

78 PERCENT HAVE BEEN -- OH, WOW!

>> LET'S GET IT TO 100, AMERICA.

IT IS TIME FOR THE NEXT GAME,

FAT BAY OR RAT BOY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ON YOUTUBE YOU CAN FINDCOUNTLESS VIDEOS OF

SELF-PROCLAIMED FAT BOYS.

WE ARE NOT GIVING THEM THATNAME.

THEY ARE GIVING THEMSELVES THATNAME.

WE ARE IN THE SHAMING ANYONE,BUT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE

WRONG KEY AND ENTER RAT BOYS,YOUR SEARCH WILL YIELD SOME

EQUALLY BIZARRE STAR VIDEOS.

WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU THEBEST OF BOTH WORLDS.

COMEDIANS I WILL SHOW YOU A REALYOUTUBE COMMENT AND FOR 250

POINTS YOU HAVE TO, YOU HAVE TODECIDE WHETHER IT WAS POSTED ON

A VIDEO OF A QUOTE, FAT BOY OR AQUOTE RAT BOY.

FIRST UP, COMMENTS ARE DISABLEDFOR THIS VIDEO.

OH, SOMEBODY CAN'T TAKE THECOMMENTS HEAT.

FAT BOY OR RAT BOY, KURT.

>> RAT BOY BECAUSE IT IS GOINGTO BE DISTURBING.

>> CHRIS: LET'S SEE.

>> ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LIKEGET A NOSE JOB, GET YOUR EARS

FIXED, GET YOUR TEETH FIXED,SHAVE SOME OF THAT HAIR OFF

YOUR HANDS AND JUST BE YOURSELF.

>> I LOVE THAT IS LISTING STUFFHE NEEDS TO FIX WAS VERY LONG.

>> CHRIS: VERY LONG.

>> SHAVE YOUR MOUTH, MOVE TO ADIFFERENT CITY, GET A NEW CAR.

>> Chris: YES, YES.

THIS WAS A REAL MOVIE FROM 1986CALLED RAT BOY AND I FEEL LIKE

WE HAVE SO HAVE TO SEE SOMEMORE.

>> I TELL YOU THE RAT THINGASIDE SEA GOOD DANCER.

>> RAT BOY: IT'S HARD TO BEDIFFERENT.

>> Chris: SO EIGHTIES.

SO EIGHTIES.

>> THE PICTH FOR THE MOVIES WASJUST THIS:

(SNORT) RAT BOY!

>> Chris: I LOVE IT.

>> I GOTTA GO.

>> CHRIS: I LOVE THIS ONE.

SO DISTURBING, NOT SO -- SODISTRIBUTING, NOT DISTURBING.

DISTRIBUTING.

>> BASED ON THE NAME CUTIE PIE,I WILL SAY FAT BOY.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SEE.

>> WOW.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,BLOWING UP THE GRAMS.

LAST WEEKEND, HUNTINGTONBEACHED HOSTED THE 9TH ANNUAL

CORGI BEACH DAY!

HUH! YOU GUYS WERE ALL THERE.

IT LAUNCHED 1,000 INSTAGRAMS.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE GATHERINGOF JUGGALOS, WHERE IT'S

PARTICIPANTS CAN'T HELPDRAGGING THEIR BELLIES THROUGH

THE MUD.

BUT IT'S FUN!

OVER 500 CORGIS CAME TOGETHER TOWADDLE ON THEIR STUMPY LITTLE

LIMBS AND HAVE THEIR SOULSSTOLEN BY IPHOEN CAMERCA FLASH

BULBS.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO NAMESOME THINGS THAT ARE MORE

INSTAGRAMMABLE THAN 500 CORGISON THE BEACH.

LET'S PUT 60 SECONDSON THE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

YES, ADAM.

>> 500 CORGIS IN THONGS ON THEBEACH.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS.

KURT.

>> RIHANNA'S CORGI DOING COKECOACHELLA.

>> CHRIS: YEAH. POINTS.

KURT.

>> TWO KITTENS PLAYINGMINECRAFT.

>> Chris: POINTS. MEGAN.

>> JUST LIKE SOME SIDE BOOB LIKENEXT TO AN OMELET, NEXT TO A

GREEN JUICE.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

KURT.

>> 300 BABIES DOING THEMACARENA.

>> Chris: GOD DAMN YOU, KURT.

WHY DID YOU PUT THAT IMAGE IN MYHEAD?

POINTS. MEGAN.

>> A SELFIE WITH SO MANY FILTERSIT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE BEING

ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

>> Chris: ADAM.

>> A SIDE BOOB THAT IS ACTUALLYA CLOSEUP OF A REALLY SMOOTH

TESTICLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.