CC Presents: Mike Birbiglia

  • Season 8, Ep 12
  • 03/04/2004

HOW ARE YOU, GREAT TO SEE YOU.

I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

IT'S VERY EXCITING TO BE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

I LIVE HERE.

AND I-- I--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH, I KNOW.

I KNOW; I KNOW.

AND, AH-- AND, AH--

I MOVED INTO A NEW APARTMENT

RECENTLY IN NEW YORK.

AND I HAVE THIS HABIT OF

MAKING AWKWARD SITUATIONS MORE

AWKWARD.

I WAS MOVING MY BED IN LAST

WEEK.

AND THIS WOMAN WHO LIVED IN

THE BUILDING OPENED THE FRONT

DOOR OF THE BUILDING WITH HER

KEY.

AND SHE SAID, "I'M NOT WORRIED

BECAUSE A RAPIST WOULDN'T HAVE

A BED LIKE THAT."

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, WHAT I SHOULD'VE SAID WAS

NOTHING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT I DID SAY WAS, "YOU'D BE

SURPRISED."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHICH IS, YOU KNOW, I--

[WHISTLES]

WHICH IS-- WHICH IS REALLY HARD

TO SEGUE OUT OF, YOU KNOW.

I WAS LIKE, "OR, WHATEVER."

[LAUGHTER]

I, UH, I WENT TO ADANCE CLUP THE OTHER DAY

WHICH WAS TIMELY,BECAUSE MY SELF-ESTEEM HAD

BEEN HOVERING AROUND NORMAL,AND I'D BEEN MEANING TO KNOCK

IT DOWN TO NEGATIVE 1,000.

[LAUGHTER]EVERYONE TRIES TO GET YOU TO

DANCE AT THESE CLUBS,ESPECIALLY WOMEN.

THEY'RE LIKE "YOU GOTTA DANCE.

YOU GOTTA DANCE."

AND THEN I DANCE AND THEY'RELIKE, "NOT LIKE THAT."

[LAUGHTER]I'M NOT AGGRESSIVE AT THE CLUBS.

MY FRIENDS ARE AGGRESSIVE FORME.

IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

THEY'RE LIKE, "HE THINKS YOU'RECUTE."

IT'S LIKE, "WHAT AM I GONNASAY?"

LIKE, "NO, I DON'T.

[LAUGHTER]NUH-UH."

IT'S KIND OF AN ODD ASSORTMENTOF PEOPLE AT THE CLUBS,

YOU KNOW.

YOU GOT LIKE, THIS KINDASKETCHY GUYS HITTING ON WOMEN.

BUT THEN YOU GOT, LIKE, THESECLUB KIDS WITH, LIKE GLOW

STICKS AND KNEEPADS.

AND THEY'RE LICKING THE WALLS,DOING CARTWHEELS.

THEN THERE'S, LIKE, FIVE GUYSLIKE ME IN THE CORNER LOOKING

AT EACH OTHER LIKE, "I DON'TEVEN KNOW HOW I GOT HERE."

DO YOU HAVE ANY EXTRA KNEEPADS?

[LAUGHTER]

THIS GIRL OFFERED ME 'E'AT THE CLUB

SHE WAS LIKE "HAVE YOU EVERDONE 'E'?"

I WAS LIKE, "I WATCH E."

[LAUGHTER]SHE WAS LIKE "YOU GOTTA DO 'E'.

IT HELPS YOU FEEL THE MUSIC."

I WAS LIKE "I DON'T EVEN LIKETHIS MUSIC."

I DON'T REALLY WANNA TAKE THENEXT STEP.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]SO, THIS GIRL I'M WITH IS ON

THE 'E'.

AND SHE WAS LIKE "YOU GOTTAMAKE SURE I DRINK ENOUGH WATER,

'CAUSE I COULD DIE."

I WAS LIKE "I DIDN'T EVEN WANNABE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

NOW I'M THE PARAMEDIC FOR THEEVENING?"

THEN I'M THINKING, WHAT HAPPENSIF SHE DOES DIE?

LIKE, THAT'S AN AWKWARDCONVERSATION WITH HER PARENTS.

LIKE, "I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUTHER DAUGHTER.

I TOLD HER I'D MAKE SURE SHEDRANK ENOUGH WATER, BUT I

TOTALLY SPACED."

[LAUGHTER]AND THEN I SHOW UP AT THE

FUNERAL.

LIKE, WHAT DO I SAY ABOUT HER?

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTHER.

I'M LIKE "SHE LOVED 'E'."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]AND SHE HATED WATER.

SHE HATED WATER.

I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THISRAPPER BUSTA RHYMES.

SOMETIMES HE'LL HAVE A REALLYGOOD RHYME.

HE'LL SAY HIS NAME AFTERWARDS.

HE'LL BE LIKE "CAT IN THE HATAND THAT WAS THAT.

BUSTA RHYMES."

I REALLY LIKE THAT.

I'D LIKE TO DO THAT WITH JOKES.

LIKE, "I LIKE DRINKING COFFEE.

BUT IF I EVER REACH A POINT INMY LIFE WHERE THE BEST PART OF

WAKING UP IS FOLGER'S IN MY CUP,I'M NOT SURE I WANNA WAKE UP.

MIKE BIRBIGLIA."

Mike Birbiglia: I WENT TO A

DE LA SOUL CONCERT RECENTLY

AND THEY REALLY HYPE UP THE

AUDIENCE.

THEY WERE LIKE-- IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE CONCERT, LIKE, "IS THE

PARTY OVER HERE?"

AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHOO!"

"IS THE PARTY OVER HERE?"

PEOPLE LIKE, "WHOO."

I'D LIKE TO DO THAT IN MY SHOWS

BUT I FEEL LIKE IT MIGHT BE

KIND OF A DISASTER.

I'D BE LIKE, "IS THE PARTY OVER

HERE?"

"NO."

"IS THE PARTY--

IS THE PARTY OVER HERE?"

"NOT REALLY."

WELL, THEN I GOTTA GO TO

MAPQUEST, CLICK ON DRIVING

DIRECTIONS WHERE IT SAYS START,

TYPE IN "ME," WHERE IT SAYS END,

TYPE IN "PARTY."

"DO I NEED TO KNOW THE LOCATIONS

OF DENNY'S ALONG THE WAY?"

"NO."

"DO I NEED TO KNOW THE LOCATIONS

OF RAMADA INN ALONG THE WAY?"

"NOT REALLY."

"DO"--

"DAMN, CRACKER.

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR THE PARTY."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO DUNKIN DONUTS LAST

WEEK, AND THE PERSON WAI--

YEAH, SURE.

AND THE PERSON WAITING ON ME

DIDN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH AT ALL.

LIKE NO WORDS.

AND IT'S LIKE, I'M ALL FOR THE

MELTING POT THEORY.

BUT IF I LIVED IN PORTUGAL AND

I WORKED AT DUNKINO DONUTOS...

[LAUGHTER]

I MIGHT PICK UP A FEW KEY WORDS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE DONUTOS,

MUNCHKINOS, CHOCOLATO CAVARATO,

YOU KNOW.

THE CUSTOMERS WOULD BE LIKE,

"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH DONUTOS."

AND I'D BE LIKE, "RIGHT AWAY,

SIR."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND...

I'D BE LIKE, "SINCE I DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE OTHER

WORDS YOU SAID, HERE'S A FEW

EXTRA DONUTOS ON THE HOUSE-O."

[LAUGHTER]

MIKE BIRBIGLIA.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I USED TO THINK THAT I WAS A

LITTLE UNSTABLE.

AND THEN I MET EVERY GIRL

I'VE EVER DATED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND-- AND THEY KINDA KEEP IT

UNDER WRAPS FOR AWHILE,

YOU KNOW.

EVERYTHING SEEMS COOL.

THEN ABOUT TWO MONTHS IN,

SHE'S LIKE, "MAYBE THIS WEEKEND

WE COULD-- I'M CRAZY!"

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

HOW DID THIS--

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?

I REALIZE RECENTLY WHAT I REALLY

NEED IS A WOMAN WHO LOVES ME FOR

MY MONEY BUT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

MATH.

[LAUGHTER]

MY FEMALE FRIENDS COMPLAIN ABOUT

DATING.

MY FRIEND WAS LIKE, "I WENT OUT

WITH THIS GUY AND HE WANTED TO

SLEEP WITH ME AFTER FIVE DATES."

AND I WAS LIKE, "NO.

HE WANTED TO SLEEP WITH YOU

AFTER ONE DATE."

HE THOUGHT HE MIGHT HAVE A

CHANCE AFTER FIVE.

HE PROBABLY WANTED TO SLEEP

WITH YOU AFTER ZERO DATES.

BUT HE THOUGHT A TRIP TO

APPLEBEE'S MIGHT GREASE THE

WHEELS A LITTLE.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I'VE READ RECENTLY THAT WOMEN

STILL MAKE 30% LESS IN THE

WORKPLACE THAN MEN, WHICH I

THINK IS FINE 'CAUSE IF WE

DIDN'T MAKE 30% MORE, YOU GUYS

WOULD ALL MARRY EACH OTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT 30% IS ALL WE HAVE.

DON'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.

I WENT OUT WITH THIS GIRL AND

SHE WASN'T TOO BRIGHT.

SHE WASN'T, LIKE, BOOK SMART.

SHE WAS, LIKE, MAGAZINE SMART...

[LAUGHTER]

OR BUTTER-LABEL SMART.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WENT OUT WITH THIS GIRL IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

SHE GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT TURNS

ME ON?"

AND I SAID "WHAT?"

AND SHE SAID, "BLACK GUYS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

YEAH.

WHICH I REALLY FOUND

DISCOURAGING, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

I'VE BEEN MISTAKEN FOR A LOT OF

THINGS IN MY LIFE.

BUT I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE BE

LIKE, "YOU'RE BLACK, RIGHT?"

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIVING WITH A GIRL FOR

AWHILE, YOU KNOW.

WE WORRIED ABOUT DIFFERENT

THINGS.

ONE DAY, I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO

YOU FEAR THE MOST?"

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I FEAR YOU'D

MEET SOMEONE ELSE, AND YOU'LL

LEAVE ME AND I'LL BE ALONE."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU

FEAR THE MOST?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "BEARS."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

SHE HAD THIS--

SHE HAD THESE TWO CATS,

YOU KNOW.

AND I THINK THE CATS WERE GAY,

'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS LICKING

EACH OTHER AND SPOONING IN THE

WINDOW AND CRITICIZING THE WAY

I DRESS.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T THINK IT'S A BIOLOGICAL

THING, LIKE THEY'RE GAY BY

BIRTH.

I THINK IT'S AN ENVIRONMENT

THING, LIKE THEY'RE PRISON GAY.

LIKE THEY DON'T SEE ANY FEMALE

CATS EVER.

AND AFTER AWHILE, IT'S JUST

LIKE, "LOOK, TONY.

[LAUGHTER]

WE AIN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

BUDDY.

THIS MIGHT BE THE CATNIP

TALKING, BUT I LIKE THE WAY

YOUR BELLY MATCHES YOUR PAWS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T DRINK A LOT, YOU KNOW.

MY FAMILY CALLS ME AN OLD SOUL.

AND MY FRIENDS CALL ME A

[BLEEP].

[LAUGHTER]

MY FRIENDS DRINK ANYWHERE.

MY FRIENDS DRINK AT THE

LAUNDROMAT.

I TRIED DRINKING AT THE

LAUNDROMAT, I THOUGHT I WAS IN

A SUBMARINE...

[LAUGHTER]

NAVIGATING THE SEA OF DIRTY

PANTIES WITH MY SPANISH-SPEAKING

CREW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS LIKE, [SLURRING]

"MRS. SANCHEZ, SET THE QUARTERS

TO PERMANENT PRESS.

RITA, THE ENGINES ARE STALLING.

GET ME SOME QUARTERS AND

ANOTHER DRINK.

THIS PLACE IS STARTING TO LOOK

LIKE A LAUNDROMAT."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

Mike Birbiglia: I'M TRYING TO

LOSE SOME WEIGHT, I GOT A

LITTLE CARD ON THE SUBWAY THAT

SAYS, "LOST TEN TO 400 POUNDS."

I'M PRETTY SURE I DON'T WANNA

LOSE THE WHOLE 400.

'CAUSE THEN I'D WEIGH NEGATIVE

235 POUNDS.

THAT SEEMS LIKE SORT OF A

DANGEROUS WEIGHT.

I MAKE DEALS WITH MYSELF WITH

DIETING.

LIKE, I CAN EAT THIS

CHEESEBURGER BUT THEN LATER

I'M GONNA GO TO THE GYM.

BUT THEN INSTEAD OF GOING TO

THE GYM, I EAT A CAKE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M LIKE THE DEAL IS OFF.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHENEVER I TELL PEOPLE I'M

DIETING, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU DON'T NEED TO DIET THAT

MUCH."

AND IT'S TRUE.

I'M NOT THE KINDA GUY WHO HAS

A HUGE WEIGHT PROBLEM.

BUT I AM THE KINDA GUY WHO

COULD REALLY PUT THE BRAKES ON

AN ORGY.

[LAUGHTER]

EVERYONE WOULD BE LIKE, "WAS

HE INVITED?"

WHY IS HE EATING A CAKE?

[LAUGHTER]

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO AN ORGY.

I FEEL LIKE IT'D BE LIKE WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN I TRY TO PLAY

PICKUP BASKETBALL, LIKE NO ONE

PASSES ME THE BALL.

EVERYONE ASKS ME TO KEEP MY

SHIRT ON.

[LAUGHTER]

I TRY AND GO TO THE GYM,

YOU KNOW.

BUT IT SEEMS KIND OF

COUNTERPRODUCTIVE 'CAUSE

THE IDEA IS TO IMPRESS WOMEN.

BUT THERE ARE WOMEN AT THE GYM.

AND THEY CAN SEE ME

BENCH-PRESSING 65 POUNDS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE

SAYING, "CHECK OUT THE GUY IN

THE DRESS SOCKS."

I SAW HIM DO ONE CHIN-UP AND

THEN FALL ON THE GROUND.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH.

I WENT TO VISIT MY PARENTS

RECENTLY AND MY DAD ALWAYS

TRIES TO GET ME TO FIX HIS

COMPUTER WHEN I'M HOME.

HE'S LIKE "YOU'RE SO GOOD AT

COMPUTERS.

YOU SHOULD BE A COMPUTER

PROGRAMMER."

I'M LIKE "YOU'RE SO BAD AT

COMPUTERS.

YOU SHOULD BE A CAVEMAN."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I HAD MY MOM FAX ME

SOMETHING RECENTLY.

AND THEN SHE CALLED ME UP AND

SAID, "HEY MIKE, COULD YOU FAX

THAT BACK, THAT'S MY ONLY COPY?"

[LAUGHTER]

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THAT-- YEAH.

THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

THAT--

THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

HOW SHE THOUGHT THE MACHINE

WORKED, YOU KNOW, LIKE WHETHER

THE PAPER GOES THROUGH THE AIR.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE ZOOS EVERYWHERE,

THOUGH.

THEY HAVE ZOOS IN PLACES THEY

SHOULD NOT HAVE ZOOS.

I WENT TO A SMALL TOWN CALLED

EERIE, PENNSYLVANIA THEY HAD A

ZOO--

IT WAS JUST LIKE THE GUY IN

TOWN WITH THE MOST ANIMALS.

[LAUGHTER]

HE WAS LIKE-- HE WAS--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HE WAS LIKE, "THESE ARE THE

PENGUINS."

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S A DOG."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS IS THE HAMMERHEAD

SHARK.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S A HALF A

CAN OF TUNA FISH."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ZERO ANIMALS.

I WENT TO THE NATIONAL ZOO AND

I SAW THE PANDA BEARS.

AND IT'S SAD, 'CAUSE ONE OF

THE REASONS WHY PANDA BEARS

ARE GOING EXTINCT IS BECAUSE

THE MALE PANDAS LIKE EATING

MORE THAN THEY LIKE MATING.

WHICH AT FIRST, I THOUGHT WAS

STRANGE.

BUT THEN I THOUGHT, IF I WERE

A PANDA BEAR AND I HAD TO HAVE

SEX WITH ANOTHER PANDA BEAR,

I WOULDN'T BE THAT EXCITED

EITHER.

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, GREAT.

SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

CAN I GET A BAMBOO SANDWICH OR

SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER]

Mike Birbiglia: I LOVE

VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU'RE A KID, EVERYBODY

GETS A VALENTINE, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE, "TO TIM, NICE PANS,

LOVE SCOTT," YOU KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S LIKE-- SEE, EVERYBODY,

YOU KNOW, VALENTINES GALORE,

YOU KNOW.

AND I ALWAYS USED TO SEND ALL

KINDS OF CARDS AS A KID, LIKE

ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW.

AND I ACTUALLY WENT BACK TO MY

VISIT MY PARENTS.

AND I SAW SOME OF THE CARDS

THAT I MADE AS A KID.

AND I BROUGHT THEM TO SHOW YOU

GUYS TONIGHT.

AND JUST TO GIVE YOU GUYS A

LITTLE BIT OF MY CREDENTIALS

AS A KID-- AND I DON'T MEAN

TO BE COCKY, BUT IN THIRD GRADE,

I WAS NAMED "THE AUTHOR OF THE

MONTH."

Audience: Awe!

Mike Birbiglia: YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH.

I'M NOT--

I'M NOT MESS--

YEAH, I'M NOT MESSING AROUND.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

AND WHAT--

AND IN FACT, IT DOESN'T SEEM

LIKE A BIG DEAL.

BUT SHE FORGOT TO TAKE IT DOWN

FOR FOUR MONTHS.

SO, TECHNICALLY, I WAS THE

AUTHOR OF THE FOUR MONTHS.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS, AH--

THIS IS A CARD--

THIS IS A CARD THAT I SENT

MY PARENTS--

THIS IS A CARD THAT I SENT

MY PARENTS WHEN I WAS A KID.

IT'S A BEAR VALENTINE.

AND IT'S GOT HEART FEET, HEART

EYES.

AND THREE HEARTS RIGHT IN THE

MIDDLE WHERE THE HEART GOES.

AND IT SAYS "DEAR MOM AND DAD.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A NICE

VALENTINE'S DAY.

AND I WANT YOU TO DOUBLE MY

ALLOWANCE AND GIVE ME $5 EVERY

DAY."

AND THEN--

[APPLAUSE]

AND THEN I, AH...

AND THEN I DREW THE DOLLARS

JUST IN CASE THEY DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT DOLLARS LOOKED LIKE.

[LAUGHTER]

I REALLY LIKE THIS CARD

STRATEGY, THOUGH.

'CAUSE WHAT I DO IS, I REEL

THEM IN WITH THE CUTE LITTLE

BEAR.

AND THEN I'M LIKE, BAM, INVOICE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S LIKE, I NEED A FEW BUCKS,

MOM AND DAD.

THIS IS A CARD I SENT MY SISTER

GINA.

[LAUGHTER]

I DREW A PICTURE OF GINA ON THE

COVER JUST IN CASE SHE DIDN'T

KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE.

IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

SHE LOOKS LIKE, SHE HAS 45

TEETH...

[LAUGHTER]

AND A RARE CONDITION WHERE HER

NOSTRILS ARE SLIGHTLY BELOW

HER NOSE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND SHE'S ALWAYS HOLDING A

PENNANT THAT SAYS, "GINA."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

AND ON THE BACK IS JOKES.

THESE ARE THE FIRST JOKES I

EVER WROTE.

YOU GUYS READY FOR SOME ZINGERS?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT--

"WHAT HAS TWO HANDS, TWO FEET?"

ANSWER, "GINA."

[APPLAUSE]

"WHAT AM I WRITING YOU?"

ANSWER, "LETTER."

[LAUGHTER]

THIS IS THE LAST CARD I WROTE.

THIS IS THE LAST CARD THAT I

FOUND.

IT'S A NEW YEAR'S--

IT'S A NEW YEAR'S CARD.

BUT THIS IS A LITTLE BIT OF A

TRICK.

YOU GOTTA WATCH FOR THE

SUBTLETY.

IT'S TO MY MOM FROM MY DAD.

SO, IT HAS "HAVE A HAPPY NEW

YEAR"-- WATCH FOR THE SUBTLETY--

"TO MY MOM, FROM MY DAD."

"DEAR MARY JEAN, THIS IS

VINCE BIRBIGLIA.

THIS IS YOUR HUSBAND."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEEN IT?

YEAH.

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

AND THEN ON THE BACK, I WROTE,

"GOOD BY!!!!

GOOD BY!!!!

GOOD BY!!!!

GOOD BY."

[APPLAUSE]

WHICH IS REALLY KIND OF LIKE A

SERIAL KILLER APPROACH TO

LETTER-WRITING.

LIKE, "GOODBYE, GOODBYE,

GOODBYE, GOODBYE."

I WANNA THANK YOU GUYS

VERY MUCH.

BEFORE I GO.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR

BEING SUCH A WONDERFUL

AUDIENCE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

THANK YOU GUYS.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I--

I, AH...

[CHEERS WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I WROTE YOU GUYS A CARD.

I WROTE YOU--

I WROTE YOU GUYS A CARD TO

THANK YOU FOR COMING TONIGHT.

IT SAYS, "DEAR AUDIENCE," AND

THEN I DREW ONE REPRESENTATIVE

FROM THE AUDIENCE.

HE'S HOLDING A PENNANT THAT

SAYS "AUDIENCE."

"NICE PANTS."

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

IT'S TRUE.

I CAN REALLY--

I CAN REALLY TELL.

[APPLAUSE]

"I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME $5

EVERY DAY.

LOVE, MIKE B.,

GOOD BY!!!!

GOOD BY!!!

GOOD BY!!!

GOOD BY!!!"

THANK YOU, GUYS.

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