Wednesday, May 25, 2016

  • 05/25/2016

Jonah Ray, Robert Kirkman and Wil Wheaton make up #ComicBookTVShows, meet other people named Chris Hardwick and come up with new euphemisms for a painful injury.

It's now timefor tonight's #HashtadgeWars.

(cheering, applause)

Get readyfor the hashtadges... ss.

(laughter)

Seems like every yearthere's a hundred new shows

based on comic books, andthat's only counting the ones

made by millionaireRobert Kirkman!

(cheering, applause)

I'm not sure you guys knew this,but actually even @midnight

is based off a comic book. See?

There it is.

(laughter, whooping, applause)

(Ray grunting)

In honor of the ongoingcomic book invasion,

tonight's hashtagis #ComicBookTVShows.

Examples might be: Sex in the City of Metropolis,

or: Thor's Company.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Jonah. -Blackish Panther.

-All right, points.-(laughter)

-Wil. -Uh, The Incredible Hulky Schmidt.

Points.

Super Sloppy Double Daredevil.

-Points.-(laughter)

-Kirkman. -The Walking Deadpool.

-Yes, points.-(cheering, applause)

-Wil Wheaton. -Talking Deadpool.

-Yes! Perfect!-(cheering, applause)

Points. Jonah.

Are You Afraid of the Dark Knight?

-Yes, points.-(cheering, applause)

Kirkman.

Uh, It's Always Sunny in the Bottle City of Kandor.

-All right, points.-(laughter, applause)

-Jonah. -Kenan & Kal-El.

-Points!-(laughter, applause)

Wil

Dr. Harley Quinn, Medicine Woman.

-Yes! Points!-(cheering, applause)

That's good. Kirkman.

NYPD Blue Beetle.

-Yes! Perfect!-(cheering, applause)

-Wil. -Better Call Solomon Grundy.

-Perfect!-(whooping, applause)

This, uh, probablywon't surprise you,

but I am not the onlyChris Hardwick in the world.

There's a lot of Chris Hardwicksout there,

and I'm surethey (bleep) hate me.

Hey, guys. It's me.

So... you guys are threeof my closest friends, uh...

-(laughter)-and/or bosses...

KIRKMAN:I love you, Chris Hardwick.

I love you, too, Robert Kirkman.So you guys

should be ableto help me out with this.

I'm gonna introduce you to someof these other Chris Hardwicks,

and for 250 points,I would like you to answer

a question about them.First up, this Chris Hardwick,

who owned Hardwick Clothesway back in the day.

(audience oh'ing)

You have to stopoh'ing everything.

-(laughter)-This is not that crazy.

It's just a pictureof an old guy.

So, uh, I hostthe Nerdist Podcast.

What is the name of this19th century man's podcast.

-Kirkman. -So,I Married My 15-Year-Old Cousin

and Other ThingsThat Aren't Illegal Yet.

(laughter)

That's right, the earlyHardwicks were cousin (bleep).

When we came out here there were

just cousins to be (bleep)as far as

-the eye could see. -HARDWICK:As far as the eye could see.

That's right.

Next up, this Chris Hardwick,who held a world record

for solving Rubik's Cubesblindfolded.

Now... I met this Chris Hardwickat one of my live shows

and he came on stage--he legit solved the Rubik's Cube

in like, 12 seconds.He's (bleep) amazing.

Uh, what's is this ChrisHardwick's Twitter bio? Jonah.

All cubes, no pubes.

It literally is that.I'm not even making a joke.

Uh, Kirkman.

Uh, I'm the Rubik's Cube one,not the one

who has sex with dead bodies.

All right, poi...

Listen...

Next, this Chris Hardwick,who recently found himself

on the wrong side of the law.

Uh, what showdoes this Chris Hardwick host?

Robert Kirkman.

Uh, @Murdering People Night.

All right, points.Points.

Or, maybe more perfectly, @midnight We're Gonna

Saw Off the Bars and Get Out of This Prison.

-Don't workshop my jokes.-Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Wil.

-Shivmates. -Yes, perfect, points.

Points.

And finally, uh,a picture of this (bleep).

This is Peter Hardwick,aka me in 2003.

(audience exclaims)

-Yeah.-WOMAN: Wow.

Bet you're feeling stupid

for using up all your"oh's" early on, aren't you?

Listen...

A collective, "I get it now."

What other... what other moviesdid Peter Hardwick appear in?

Kirkman.

Listen, one man's fatis another man's thin.

-Yeah. -So, my answer is, uh...uh, oh, hold on.

-My answer is, uh...-Hey, you sure you don't want me

to workshop that jokefor you, Kirk...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna take this back afterI say it, but my answer was

Handsometown 3: The Most Handsomest Man Alive.

Oh, that's so nice,that's so nice.

And (bleep) you.

That's very deserved,very well deserved. Points.

We don't usually talkabout sports on the program

when dick jokes collidewith sports balls.

But this timeit's just sports balls

colliding with sports feet.

COMMENTATOR:That's the second time that

-Green had...-(audience groaning)

That was kind of weird.The one thing you didn't oh at

was a guy getting...

Uh, that's from earlierthis week, when Draymond Green,

uh, kicked Steven Adamsright in the nuts,

the groin or groin area,nether region, junk,

depending on whereyou're getting your news.

Boing Boing gathered up all thedifferent ways sports outlets

have been sidestepping "balls"with other euphemisms.

Uh, you can see "groin" topsthe list.

"Penis" is always gonna bemy favorite,

because who ever...who ever talks

about getting kickedin the penis?

Like, that's a great...

Dependson your penis-to-ball ratio.

-I guess it does depend on yourpenis-to-ball ratio. -Yeah.

But you've never heard,"The best episode of Ja-ckass

"is when Sir Johnny Knoxville

whacked Steven-O in the penis."

Uh, the list includes41 mysterious other phrases

for the gonads. So, comedians,I want you to come up

with as many o-ofyour own euphemisms as you can

for getting creamedin the yam basket.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock. And begin. Wil.

Dippin' a toein the wife-pleaser.

Points. Kirkman.

Getting necrophiliac'din the ol' Hardwick.

All right.

It is my belief they canalso feel pleasure. Uh...

Wil.

Gettin' Snarf'din the ThunderCats.

Points. Jonah Ray.

Getting two broke girls.

Points. Jonah.

Working on your falsetto.

Points. Jonah.

Getting s...

I swear I'm hitting it.

Getting smashedin the light buttons.

All right, points. Wil.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Wil.

Uh, getting buttonedin the Kirkman.

Points.

-(ding)-(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

(speaking indistinctly)

Uh, getting walkingoff the show'd

because, uh, Chris Hardwick'sa (bleep) asshole.

Yes. Points for Robert Kirkman.

That is the endof No Balls to Say Balls.

Uh, we're gonna haveto eliminate someone,

but we'll find out who it isin six months.

(laughter)