CC Presents: The Sklar Brothers

  • Season 14, Ep 12
  • 01/11/2010

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.WOW.

I FEEL THAT WAY, TOO.

I FEEL THAT WAY, TOO.

IT'S EXCITING TO BE OUT,BECAUSE WE HAVE CHILDREN.

IT'S EXCITINGTO BE ANYWHERE.

AND I'VE HAD A GREAT YEAR,BECAUSE MY WIFE AND I

JUST HAD A BRAND-NEW BABY BOYTHIS YEAR.

THANK YOU.

GOOD STUFF.

FANTASTIC.GOOD WORK.

AND IT'S -- IT ACTUALLYWAS REALLY EXCITING,

'CAUSE IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT --I HAVE TWO KIDS --

IT MADE ME THINK ABOUTWHEN MY FIRST DAUGHTER WAS BORN.

THE DAY SHE WAS BORN, I WAS SOEXCITED TO HOLD HER IN MY ARMS

FOR THE FIRST TIME, 'CAUSEI KNEW THERE'D BE A SECOND

WHERE I'D LOOK DOWNINTO HER EYES AND BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD.WE CREATED THIS HUMAN LIFE."

AND I HAVE TO ADMIT,I WAS A LITTLE FREAKED OUT

ABOUT THE FIRST TIME

I WAS GONNA BE HOLDINGMY TWIN BROTHER'S DAUGHTER

BECAUSE I KNEWTHERE'D BE A SECOND

WHERE I'D LOOK DOWNAND THINK TO MYSELF,

"OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKEIF I HAD SEX WITH HIS WIFE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S FUN.

I LOVE A GOOD NIGHTOF COMEDY

WHERE THERE'S A GOOD HOSTAND KEEPS THE FLOW MOVING.

THAT'S GREAT.

BUT SOMETIMES,SOME PLACES DON'T HAVE A HOST.

THEY DOWHAT'S CALLED TAG-TEAM.

THERE'S A COMEDY CLUB IN L.A.,THEY HAVE TAG-TEAM.

YOU BRING UP THE NEXT ACT,

THEY BRING UP THE NEXT ACT,AND SO ON.

AND THAT'S COOL,BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES SOME BIG PEOPLECOME IN, AND THEY INTRODUCE YOU.

PEOPLE YOU GREW UPWATCHING ON TV.

IT'S VERY EXCITING.SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT.

SOMETIMES IT'S BAD.

WE'LL GIVE YOU A STORYTO ILLUSTRATE EACH.

ONE NIGHT, WE WERE ONSTAGE,AND THE GREAT ARSENIO HALL --

AR-SEEN-IO HALL.

AR-SEEN-IO.LONG "E."

ARSENIO HALL BRINGS US UPONSTAGE.

HE'S SO PROFESSIONAL.

15-MINUTE SET.HE DOES 14 1/2 MINUTES.

CUTS IT OFF.

NEVER MET THE MANIN OUR LIVES.

AND THEN HE GETS LOW.HE GOT EXCITED.

DID AN OLD-MAN-PANTLIFT-UP.GOT EXCITEDTO INTRODUCE US.

YES, HE WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE GONNALOVE THESE NEXT BROTHERS."

HE STARTED SWAYING."WE GOT THE BROTHERS.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVETHESE BROTHERS."

"YOU'RE GONNA LOVETHESE BROTHERS."

"OH, THE BROTHERS."

AND I SWEAR TO GOD,

JASON AND I WERE OFFTO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE.

I KID YOU NOT,MY ARMS STARTED TO DO THIS.

I WAS LIKE,"ARE YOU DOING THIS?!""I'M NOT DOING IT."

"HE'S DOING THIS TO US!"

"HIS VOICEIS MAKING THIS HAPPEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I CAN'T CONTROL THIS."

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS GREAT.AMAZING.

THE FLIP SIDEOF THAT COIN --

AND WE'RE GONNA GETINTIMATE WITH YOU NOW --

WE WERE BROUGHT ONSTAGEBY THE NOT-SO-GREATANDREW DICE CLAY ONE NIGHT.

THE DICEMAN.

STILL WEARING WEIGHTLIFTINGGLOVES TO DO COMEDY.

THAT IS, UH...

YOU NEED THIS PARTOF YOUR HAND COVERED

IF YOU'RE GONNA TELL JOKES.

OR ELSE YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.

HE WAS AN HOURINTO HIS 15-MINUTE SET.

COURTEOUS.THAT'S JUST COURTEOUS.

THAT'S JUST GOOD,LOOKING OUT FOR THE NEXT COMIC.

AND, OF COURSE,HE FORGOT WHO THE NEXT ACT WAS,

BECAUSE HE WAS TOLDIN A DIFFERENT DECADE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SO THIS IS THE EXCHANGETHAT HAPPENS SIDEOF THE STAGE BEFORE.

THIS IS OUR INTRODUCTION.

HE'S LIKE, "WHO'S NEXT?""THE SKLAR BROTHERS."

"WHO?""THE SKLAR BROTHERS."

HE TURNS TO THE CROWD,AND HE'S LIKE,

"WELL,I NEVER HEARD OF THEM,

SO YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA[BLEEP] SUCK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HURT A LITTLE BIT.WE WERE LIKE, "SHOULD WEGO ONSTAGE RIGHT NOW?"

"DID HE GETOUR CREDITS RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE GINGERLY TIPTOE ONSTAGE.

AND AS IF THAT WASN'THUMILIATING ENOUGH,

HE GOES BACK UP ONSTAGE,GRABS THE MICROPHONE AGAIN.

HE'S LIKE, "NO, I GOTTHEIR OPENING LINE FOR YOU.

"THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE,'DICE OPENED FOR ME.

"DICE OPENED FOR ME.'WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOUSE.

"THEY'RE LUCKYI DIDN'T DO MY OLD STUFF.

IF I DID MY OLD STUFF,THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLETO STAND ON THIS STAGE."

THEN HE DROPS THE MICROPHONEAND DAMAGES IT.BEAUTIFUL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN HE WALKS OUT,GETS INTO HIS LEASED ESCALADE,

AND DRIVES OFF INTO THE NIGHT,SOMETHING SAD LIKE THAT.

HE HAS LEFT USWITH NOT A COMEDY ROOM, OKAY?

AFTER DICE PERFORMSFOR AN HOUR,

IT'S NO LONGERA COMEDY ROOM.

IT'S A DISASTER AREA.

I DON'T WANT TO SAYIT WAS A DISASTER AREA,

BUT FEMA SHOWED UP THREE WEEKSLATE, SO THAT'S HOW THAT WAS.

THAT'S HOW MUCHOF A DISASTER AREA THAT WAS.

SO, WE HAVE TO DO OUR MATERIAL,AND WE'RE GETTING TO DO IT,

AND I'M THINKING ABOUTWHAT HE SAID,

"I DIDN'T DO ANYOF MY OLD MATERIAL."

AND I CLEARLY REMEMBERWALKING INTO THE SHOWROOM

45 MINUTESINTO HIS 15-MINUTE SET

AND HEARING HIM DELIVERTHIS NUGGET OF COMEDY GOLD --

"CALL WAITING? WHAT THE HELLIS THAT [BLEEP] ABOUT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T EVEN KNOWIF THAT'S A JOKE.

SECOND OF ALL, CALL WAITINGWAS INVENTING IN THE '60s.

IT WAS OLD WHEN YOU STARTEDIN COMEDY.

YOU'RE JUST NOW WRITINGYOUR CALL-WAITING BIT? OKAY.

AND FINALLY,WHO IS MAD AT CALL WAITING?

IT'S THE GREATEST INVENTIONEVER.

EVER.I IMAGINE DICE BEING SO MAD.

DICE IS JUST STEWINGABOUT IT.

"SOME STUPID BROADTHOUGHT OF CALL WAITING."

"OH! I'M A DUMB DUMMY.I CAME UP WITH CALL WAITING."

"OH! I'M A WOMAN.

I CAME UP WITH TECHNOLOGY THATHELPS PEOPLE REACH EACH OTHER."

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU GOTTO TALK TO ME, YOU STUPID...

DEE, DEE, DEE!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHATEVERWE JUST CAME UP WITH

OFF THE TOP OF OUR HEADSRIGHT THERE

WAS BETTERAND MORE WELL-WRITTEN

THAN WHAT HE DIDON THAT NIGHT.

BUT IT'S EXCITING.

IT GOT US THINKING,IF THAT'S WHERE DICE IS

IN HIS WRITING PROCESS,WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP?

WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT HE DOESTHE NURSERY RHYMES

THAT MADE HIM FAMOUS.

BUT INSTEAD OF DOINGPUNCH LINES

THAT HE JUST STARTS REVEALINGSAD TRUTHS ABOUT HIS LIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO NOW WHEREVER WE GOWHEN WE HAVE A LITTLE TIME,

WE'RE WAITING ONA SUBWAY PLATFORM,

AT AN AIRPORT,AT THE DMV,

THE TWO OF US IMMEDIATELYBUST INTO DUELING DICES.

WE CAN'T STOP.I'LL SEE YOUR ARM.

I'LL SEE YOU OUT OF THE CORNEROF MY EYE, AND MY ARM COMES OUT.

IT'S LIKE, "OH!"

"OH!"

"OH!"

"HICKORY DICKORY DOCK,

"I USED TO BANG EVERY CHICKON THE BLOCK.

"BUT NOW I'M ALONE,NO ONE CALLS ME ON THE PHONE,

"AND I WEAR WEIGHTLIFTING GLOVESAROUND THE CLOCK.

OH!"

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I TOOK A JOBON A CRUISE SHIP."

"I NEEDED THE MONEY! OH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"JACK AND JILL WENT UP A HILLTO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER."

"AND IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS

"SINCE I'VE HAD A MEANINGFULCONVERSATION WITH MY DAUGHTER.

OH!"

OH, GOD. WOW.

OH, DICE.

THAT HURTS MY HEART.

LITERALLY, I WAS LIKE,"IF IT'S BEEN FOUR YEARS

"SINCE YOU'VE HAD A MEANINGFULCONVERSATION WITH YOUR DAUGHTER,

"YOU KNOWWHAT YOU ACTUALLY NEED?

CALL WAITING. OH!"

THANK YOU, GUYS.WE ARE THE SKLAR BROTHERS.

AND THE TWO CAME TOGETHERIN AN INTERSECTION OF CRAPPINESS

A FEW YEARS AGO THAT WE MUSTRELATE TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL CAMPAIGNFOR A BEER COMPANY AND FOOTBALL,

AND THERE WAS A GUYON THE COMMERCIAL WHO --

A WHITE GUYWHO WAS RAPPING.

WAIT. YOU CAN'T EVEN CALL ITRAPPING, REALLY.

YEAH.THAT IS OFFENSIVETO BLACK PEOPLE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ACTUALLY, WHAT HE WAS DOING,I'LL GO SO FAR AS TO SAY,

WAS OFFENSIVETO WHITE PEOPLE.

I WOULD SAY IT WAS OFFENSIVETO GIFT WRAPPING.

OKAY.[ LAUGHTER ]

I WOULD GO SO FARAS TO SAY

AS WHAT HE WAS DOINGWAS OFFENSIVE TO SMOOTHIES

BY THE TRANSITIVE ASSOCIATIONTO HEALTHY WRAP SANDWICHES.

THAT'S HOW BADTHIS GUY'S RAP WAS.

'CAUSE HE WASN'T SAYINGANYTHING.

THERE WAS NO METAPHORIN THE RAP.NONE WHATSOEVER.

I SAID, "I LIKE HANGINGWITH MY FRIENDS,

FUN THAT NEVER ENDS."

AND THIS WASOUR FAVORITE PART.

Both: "AND TWINS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THENIT CUT TO THIS SHOT

OF THIS FAKE-BOOBED,BLOND-HAIRED,IDENTICAL TWIN GIRLS,

THE INSINUATION BEING

THAT IT'S EVERY RED-BLOODEDAMERICAN SPORTS FAN'S DREAM

TO HAVE A SEXUAL THREE-WAYWITH A SET OF TWINS.OF COURSE.

IT'S EVERY RED-BLOODED AMERICANMALE SPORTS FAN'S DREAM

TO HAVE A SEXUAL FANTASYTHAT INVOLVES INCEST.

THAT'S RIGHT.THEY ARE SISTERS.

IF THEY TOUCH EACH OTHER,YOU HAVE TO MOVE TO KENTUCKY.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT TALKINGA METROPOLIS LIKE LOUISVILLE.

PADUCAH. DO YOU UNDERSTANDWHAT I'M SAYING?

THE HINTERLANDS.

ALL RIGHT, SO, WE WANTTO REDO THIS COMMERCIAL.

WE WANTTO BRING IT BACK.

WE WANT TO KEEP EVERY LYRICIN THE SONG THE SAME,

EVERY SHOT IN THE COMMERCIALTHE SAME.

EXCEPT ONE.WE'RE GONNA SUB OUTONE VIDEO SHOT.

SO HE SAYS, "I LIKE HANGINGWITH MY FRIENDS,

FUN THAT NEVER ENDS."BUT WHEN HE GETS TO

"AND TWINS!"

INSTEAD OF A SHOTOF THE BIG-BOOBED,BLOND-HAIRED TWINS,

WE WANT TO CUT TO A SHOTOF THOSE TWO SIAMESE GIRL TWINS

WHO ARE CONNECTEDAT THEIR HEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE OF THEMIS A COUNTRY-MUSIC SINGER.

THE OTHER ONE'SIN A WHEELBARROW.

THAT'S HER JOB.THAT'S HER JOB,ESSENTIALLY.

"I AM IN A WHEELBARROW.THAT'S WHAT I DO."

LITERALLY..."AND TWINS!"

AND LIKE THE CAMERA KIND OFMOVES INTO THE FLESHY PART

THAT'S KIND OFBOTH OF THEM,BUT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S KIND OF NEITHER OF THEM,REALLY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE INTERNATIONAL WATERSIN THERE.

YOU COULDCOMMIT A CRIME HERE.

ANYTHING COULD HAPPENIN THIS AREA.

NATO DOESN'T GOVERNTHIS AREA.

"AND TWINS!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT'S LIKE A REALLYCOMPLICATED CAMERA MOVE.

IT'S LIKE A RACK FOCUSAND A PUSH IN.

JUST TO GET RED-BLOODEDAMERICAN MALE SPORTSFANS' REACTION TO IT.

'CAUSE THEY'LL BESITTING AT HOME GOING,

"I LIKE HANGINGWITH MY FRIENDS."

"I LIKE FUNTHAT NEVER ENDS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEELABOUT PHYSICAL DEFORMITIES."

"YEAH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT FEELS LIKE FUNTHAT COULD END."

"THAT COULD END AT SOME POINT,YEAH."

"TWINS!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S SO FUNNY.

THEY DID THE ONE THINGTHAT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT.

THEY SPENT A LOT OF TIMEWITH US.

THEY WERE GENEROUSWITH THEIR TIME.

SO WE KIND OF HAVE PASSEDTHAT ON TO OUR KIDS.

AND MY 4-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER,

SHE LOVES WHEN I READ HERSTORIES EVERY NIGHT,

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

SHE WANTS THE SAME STORYEVERY NIGHT.

AND IT'S SO FRUSTRATING...

'CAUSE IT'S THE WORST STORYIN THE WORLD.

IT'S A FAIRY TALE --"SNOW WHITE."

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYSREMEMBER "SNOW WHITE."

IT'S HORRIBLE,LAZY WRITING.LAZY AS ALL GET OUT.

IF YOU DON'T REMEMBERTHE STORY --

HOT CHICK, QUEEN HATES HER,POISON APPLE.

SHE DIES IN THE FOREST,GLASS CASKET.

PRINCE KISSES HER.

THEY LIVEHAPPILY EVER AFTER.

EVERY TIME I READ "HAPPILYEVER AFTER," I GET SO MAD.

I'M LIKE,"HOW CAN THEY LIVE HAPPILY --"

WE'RE MARRIED, OKAY?WE UNDERSTAND THAT RELATIONSHIP.

THERE'S NO WAYTHEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

AFTER MEETINGUNDER THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.EXACTLY, RIGHT?

SO EVERY TIME I READ IT,

IT REINFORCES METO DO THIS IMPRESSION.

I'VE WORKED ONTHIS IMPRESSION.

WE'RE GONNA DO FOR YOU NOWSNOW WHITE AND HER HUSBAND

EIGHT MONTHSAFTER THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED

AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE.

HONEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORMAKING THE VEGGIE SAUSAGE LINKS.

THEY ARE STILL COOKINGRIGHT NOW.THEY ARE FANTASTIC.

I JUST WANTEDTO BRING SOMETHING UP,

SOMETHING THAT WE'VENEVER TALKED ABOUT,

SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIEDONLY EIGHT MONTHS.

BUT I GUESS WE SHOULDTALK ABOUT IT NOW,

BECAUSE WE HAVEAN OPEN TABLE HERE.

I'M VERY EXCITEDTO TALK ABOUT ISSUES.OPEN ISSUES.

I JUST WANT TO GO THROUGHYOUR THOUGHT PROCESS

THE DAY THAT WE MET.

GREAT. SHOULD WE JUST --LET'S DO THAT.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIDING ALONGIN THE FOREST.

ON MY HORSE, YES.YEAH.

YOU SEE A DEAD PERSONLYING THERE.

YES, A DEAD PERSON...

LYING IN A GLASS CASKET,

SURROUNDED BYA BUNCH OF MIDGETS.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.YES, I DID.I SEE THAT.

YOU SEE THAT SCENE, YOUR FIRSTTHOUGHT -- FIRST THOUGHT --

"GONNA KISS THAT DEAD PERSON,"RIGHT?

"YEAH, YEAH. GONNAMAKE OUT WITH THE CORPSE."

THAT IS MY INITIAL THOUGHTWHEN I SEE THAT.

I GUESSWHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS

HOW MANY CORPSES DID YOU HOOK UPWITH BEFORE YOU GOT TO ME?

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT DAY?ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THAT DAY?

YES, THAT DAY.

DOES FIVE SOUND LIKE A LOTFOR ONE DAY?

YES, FIVE SOUNDS LIKE A LOT.DID ANY OF THE CORPSES RISE UP?

NO, BUT I ROSE.OKAY.

AND IT'S SOMETHING WE NEEDTO TALK ABOUT IN THERAPY.

[ Chuckles ] OH.

IT'S A LITTLE FAIRY TALE

BASED ON NECROPHILIA.THAT'S LOVELY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

FOR AT LEAST 15, 20 YEARS,

AND WE DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUTBEING TWINS THAT MUCH.

WE HAVEN'T WANTED TO BE --WE DON'T WANT ITTO DEFINE US.

BUT THERE IS A SET OF TWINS --THANK YOU, THANK YOU --

WHEN IT REALLY DOES.

THERE ARE A SET OF TWINSTHAT THEY TOTALLY FASCINATE US.

THEY WERE TWIN BOYSBORN IN THE '70s.

THERE WAS A BOOKWRITTEN ABOUT THEM.

AND WHEN THEY WEREGETTING CIRCUMCISED,

ONE OF THEMHAD A BOTCHED CIRCUMCISION.

TOTALLY MUTILATED HIS GENITALIA.ENJOY THE CALAMARI.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY.

THEY'RE NOT EVENSERVING FOOD HERE.

ANYWAY,BOTCHED-UP CIRCUMCISION.

THE PARENTS DIDN'T KNOWWHAT TO DO.

MEANWHILE, THERE WASTHIS EGOMANIACAL PSYCHIATRIST

DOWN AT JOHNS HOPKINS

WHO WAS TRYING TO PROVEHIS NURTURE-OVER-NATURE THEORY.

HE WAS LIKE,"RAISE HIM AS A GIRL."

"THROW A DRESS ON HIM.""PROVE MY THEORY RIGHT."

"HE'LL NEVER KNOWTHE DIFFERENCE."

WELL, GUESS WHAT, KIDS.HE DID KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

HE DID KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLEIN HIS OWN SKIN.

THEY CALLED HIM "CAVEGIRL."

HE WAS TAUNTEDUNTIL HE WAS 12 YEARS OLD

AND HIS PARENTSFINALLY SAT HIM DOWN.

THEY SAID, "WE MADE A MISTAKE.YOU'RE ACTUALLY A BOY."

THEN THEY FASHIONED A PENISOUT OF HIS INNER THIGH.

THERE ARE JOKES, BY THE WAY,OKAY?

BY THE WAY,THERE ARE JOKES IN THIS BIT.

IT'S NOT JUST "THEY FASHIONEDA PENIS OUT OF HIS INNER THIGH."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.GOOD NIGHT.

NO. FASHIONED A PENISOUT OF HIS INNER THIGH.

AND THEN HE GOES ONTHE TALK-SHOW CIRCUIT.

AND EVERYBODY FEELS SORRYFOR THIS GUY.

BUT JASON AND I, UNDERSTANDINGTHE TRUE TWIN DYNAMIC,

BOTH OF US IMMEDIATELY FELTWORSE FOR HIS TWIN BROTHER.

OH, YEAH.BECAUSE -- THINK ABOUT IT.

HIS BROTHER CAN NEVERCOMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING

IN FRONT OF THAT BROTHERFOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH IS PARTOF THE JOY OF LIVING.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS TWIN BROTHERCOMES HOME?

HE'S LIKE, "DAMN IT!""WHAT'S WRONG?"

"OH, THE LINE AT THE BANKWAS SO LONG."

"YOU HAD TO WAIT A LONG TIMEAT THE BANK?""YEAH."

"WAS IT AS LONGAS I HAD TO WAIT FOR THEM

TO FASHION A PENIS OUTOF MY INNER THIGH, OR WAS IT..."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"WAS IT THAT LONGFOR YOU?""IT WAS NOT THAT LONG.FINE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IT WAS PROBABLY WAY WORSE FORYOU THAN IT WAS FOR ME, YEAH.

"YEAH, I ONLY HADTO WAIT FOR THEM

"TO MAKE ME STOP LACTATINGIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

"BUT IT WAS PROBABLY WORSE FORYOU THAN IT WAS FOR ME, YEAH.

"HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSETAKES A LONG TIME?

GETTINGYOUR SELF-ESTEEM BACK.""ALL RIGHT!"

THEY'RE AT A RESTAURANT.

"OH, SHOOT.""WHAT'S WRONG?"

"NOTHING.I'M VERY HAPPY WITH MY FOOD."

"NO, I ACTUALLY -- I SAW YOU GETUPSET ABOUT WHAT YOU GOT."

"LET'S TALK ABOUTWHAT YOU ORDERED."

"NO, YOU WERE GONNA COMPLAINABOUT SOMETHING."

"WE DON'T NEED TO TALKABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW."

"I THINK WE SHOULD.I THINK WE SHOULD GET INTO IT.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVETO COMPLAIN ABOUT."

[ SIGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I ORDERED IT PLAIN.

THEY GAVE ME A PICKLEAND AN ONION."

"RIGHT.SO YOU FEEL BETRAYED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THEY CALLED ME A GIRLFOR 12 YEARS."

"HERE WE GO.""YEAH, HERE WE GO."

"THAT'S RIGHT.

I ORDERED A PICKLE.THEY GAVE ME AN ONION."

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?""YOU KNOW EXACTLYWHAT THAT MEANS."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU KNOW EXACTLYWHAT THAT MEANS."

SO WE ARESPORTS FANS

AS WE MENTIONED BEFORE,AND CANNOT --

THERE'S SOME INTERESTING STUFFGOING ON IN THE SPORTS WORLD.

THERE'S SOME REALLYINTERESTING STUFF.

MICHAEL VICK -- THEY'RE GONNAGIVE HIM A SERIES ON B.E.T.,

A DOCU SERIES,ABOUT HIS LIFE.

AND WE THOUGHT THAT'SA MISSED OPPORTUNITY FOR VH1.

WHY DIDN'T VH1 SWOOP IN AND MAKETHE MICHAEL VICK DATING SHOW?

COME ON, VH1!

WE HAVE THE NAME FOR ITRIGHT HERE.

ARE YOU READY?"VICK OF THE LITTER."

STAY WITH US. STAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW WHYI'M SAYING STAY WITH US

AND THEY SEEMED LIKETHEY WERE WITH US.

I DON'T KNOW WHYYOU MADE THEM STAY.

SO, EACH WEEK,HE VOTES A GIRL OFF

BY PUTTING A DOG COLLARAROUND HER NECK.

STAY WITH US.STAY WITH US.

AND THEN HE'S GOT TO COME UPWITH THAT SNAPPY CATCHPHRASE.

HE'S GOT TO HAVE ASNAPPY CATCHPHRASE TOSEND HER OFF THE SHOW.

HE JUST TURNS TO THEMAND POLITELY SAYS,

"BITCH, I'M ABOUTTO PUT YOU TO SLEEP."

COME ON. THAT'S A SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HOW IS THAT NOT A SHOW?

THAT IS A SHOW.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING IN L.A.FOR A DECADE NOW.

IT'S KIND OF A WEIRD PLACETO LIVE.

I FEEL LIKE ADVERTISINGHAS BECOME THE NEW GRAFFITI.

IT'S EVERYWHERE.EVERYWHERE.ON BUS BENCHES.

WE SAW THE MOST AGGRESSIVE ADEVER ON A BUS BENCH.

IT WAS THE MOST AGGRESSIVEADVERTISEMENT WE'VE EVER SEEN.

IT WAS A BUS-BENCH ADADVERTISING BUS-BENCH ADS.

IT WAS LIKE THE M.C. ESCHEROF ADVERTISING,

THE HAND DRAWING THE HAND.

WHAT IS THAT?I DON'T KNOW.

SO, HERE'S WHAT IT SAID.NO PICTURES.

JUST WORDS.SO AGGRO.

IT SAID,"DOES BENCH ADVERTISING WORK?"

AND THENRIGHT UNDERNEATH THAT,

"IT JUST DID."

YEAH! [ GROANS ]

YOU GOT BENCHED, BITCH.HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS JUST STANDING THERE.

AFTER I READ IT,I WAS LIKE, "OH.""OH."

FELT DIRTY, RIGHT?YOU FEEL WEIRD.

AND THEN WE FELT WEIRD'CAUSE WE'RE LIKE,

"THIS IS L.A.THIS IS HOLLYWOOD.

MAYBE THERE'S SOME HIDDEN CAMERAACROSS THE STREET."

JUST GETTING PEOPLE'S REACTIONSAS THEY READ THE BENCH,

JUST LIKE THIS.

"AW!"

AND THEN THAT IMAGEGETS BEAMED INTO A STUDIO,

WHERE A STUDIO AUDIENCEIS ALL YELLING AT THE SAME TIME,

"YOU...GOT...BENCHED!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN IT WOULD BEOUR DREAM THAT AT THAT MOMENT,

THAT STUDIO AUDIENCEWOULD STAND UP AND REALIZE

THAT THEY'RE SITTING ONTHE SAME BENCH,

AND THEY WOULD READ IT FORTHE FIRST TIME, BE LIKE,

"AW!"

AND THEN ANOTHERSTUDIO AUDIENCE

GETS LOWEREDFROM THE CEILING.YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEY'RE YELLING,BUT NOT EVEN PHRASES ANYMORE.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,

"BENCH, BENCH, BENCH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I'M ASHAMEDTO SAY THIS,

BUT WE'VE ACTUALLY THOUGHTTHIS OUT ONE STEP FURTHER.DON'T BE ASHAMED.

WE'VE THOUGHT OF THE PERFECTPERSON TO HOST THE SHOW.

IT WOULD, OF COURSE, BEEX-CINCINNATI REDS CATCHER

JOHNNY BENCH.THERE YOU GO. COME ON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE MAN NEEDS WORK.[ LAUGHS ]

HAS NOT WORKEDSINCE THE BASEBALL BIT.

NO, HE HAS NOT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WE'RE LOOKING BACK AT THE WAYOUR PARENTS RAISED US.

IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US.

AND THEY DID A GREAT JOBRAISING US.

BUT ONE THINGWE'RE REALIZING LOOKING BACK

IS THAT OUR PARENTS --

OUR FATHERALWAYS HAD A JOB...HE DID.

...WHICH BAFFLES US TODAY,

BECAUSE WE'RE WONDERINGWHY HE DECIDED TO RAISE US

AS IF WE WERE THE POORESTFAMILY IN AMERICA.

YEAH, LIKE WE WEREDUST-BOWL MIGRANT WORKERS.

CHARACTERS IN"THE GRAPES OF WRATH."YEAH.

"CAN WE GO TO DISNEYLAND?"

"KEEP PICKING GRAPES.KEEP PICKING GRAPES."

I DON'T EVEN THINKTHEY PICK GRAPES IN THAT BOOK.

OUR DAD ACTUALLYHAD US BELIEVING

WE COULD BE EVICTED FROM A HOUSETHAT WE OWNED OUTRIGHT.

WE OWNED THE HOUSE.HOW DID HE DO IT?

HOW DID HE DO IT?NO LANDLORD.

HE HAD US DOING ITSO WE WOULD GET US

TO STOP DOING THINGSHE DIDN'T WANT US TO DO.

EXACTLY, RIGHT.

WE'D BE UPSTAIRS PLAYINGNERF HOOP JUMP

AND HE'D JUST YELLAT THE FLOOR --

OUR FLOOR, HIS CEILING -- AND BELIKE, "KEEP JUMPING UP THERE.

THEY'LL TAKE IT AWAY."

"THEY'LL TAKETHE WHOLE HOUSE."ALL OF THIS ISGOING TO BE GONE."

"I'LL GET THE SUITCASES,'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE LIVING

OUT OF THE SUITCASES NOW 'CAUSETHEY HAD TO PLAY NERF HOOP."

"YEAH, YOU KNOW A GREAT PLACEYOU CAN PLAY NERF HOOP?

THE BUS STATION."

"'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE'RELIVING NOW BECAUSE OF YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A STAND-ALONESTRUCTURE.

WE DON'T HAVE NEIGHBORSBELOW US.

THE WORST WAY IT MANIFESTEDITSELF FOR US --

AND WE WILL NOT DO THISAS NEW PARENTS.

I WON'T DO THISTO MY KIDS.

I STAND HERE ON THE STAGE RIGHTNOW TELLING YOU I WON'T DO IT.

WE WERE THE KIDSWITH THE CRAPPY SNACKS.

THAT'S BAD.

THAT'S LIKE A NOTCH BELOWTHE KID WITH POLIO.THAT'S RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE AT LEAST THATKID'S GOT CHOCODILESIS ALL WE'RE SAYING.

YEAH,AND AN OUTDATED DISEASE,

SO HE'S GOT YOU BEATTWICE.

OUR PARENTSWOULD NOT BUY US HOSTESS.

THAT'S ALL WE WANTEDAS KIDS.

WE'D ASK THEM, "CAN WE PLEASEHAVE SOME HOSTESS?""OH,YOU WANT SOME HOSTESS?"

"WE'LL JUST GO TO THE MONEY TREEAND GET YOU SOME."

"OH, NO!THERE IS NO MONEY TREE.""THAT'S JUST A FICUS."

YOU SAID 'HOSTESS,'AND THEN THIS FICUS PLANT..."

"I STARTED TO GO CRAZYIN THE HAZE OF YOUR GREED.

"YOU GOT GREEDY, AND THENI THOUGHT THIS JADE PLANT

"WAS GONNA SPRING$20 BILLS.

OH, OH.YOU WANT HOSTESS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO INSTEAD OF HOSTESS,

OUR PARENTS WENTA COUPLE OF NOTCHES BELOW,

AND THIS WAS SO SAD.

THEY ALWAYS BOUGHT USLITTLE DEBBIE SNACK CAKES.

WE'LL PUT ALL OF THE CARDS ONTHE TABLE, SHALL WE, RIGHT NOW?

LITTLE DEBBIE IS SARA LEE'S"SPECIAL-NEEDS" SISTER.

THAT'S RIGHT.THAT'S WHO SHE IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE SAID IT.YEAH.

'CAUSE LOOK AT HER PICTUREON THE BOX.

HER HAIR IS MATTED DOWN.

THERE'S LIKE A TRICKLEOF DRY BLOOD

COMING OUT OF THE CORNEROF HER MOUTH, I THINK.

SHE'S LITERALLY HAVING A STROKEON EVERY BOX.

SHE'S LIKE, "AAH!

HOW ABOUT A NUTTY BAR?"

"ARR!"

"HOW ABOUT A STAR CRUNCH?"

"AAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

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