May 13, 2014 - The Black Keys

  • 05/13/2014

Pope Francis embraces socialism, Rosemary Nyirumbe talks #BringBackOurGirls, the Koch brothers target the Columbus Zoo, and The Black Keys perform a song from "Turn Blue."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )FOLKS-- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF

YOU WATCH THIS SHOW-- AND I HOPEYOU DO-- YOU KNOW THAT I AM

AMERICA'S MOST PROMINENTCATHOLIC.

MY FAITH IS SO STRONG, DOCTORSHAVE ACTUALLY CALLED IT A

MESSIAH COMPLEX.

( LAUGHTER )NOT TOO SHABBY.

BUT I'M ALSO AMERICA'S FOREMOSTCAPITALIST.

I LOVE THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THEMARKET SO MUCH I LET IT GET TO

THIRD BASE, WHICH IS WHY I HADPROBLEMS WITH POPE FRANCIS WHEN

HE CALLED CAPITALISM A NEWTYRANNY CAUSED BY THE IDOLATRY

OF MONEY.

IDOLATRY!

I WOULD NEVER WORSHIP MONEY.

THE DOLLAR IS NOT WORTH THEPAPER IT'S PRINTED ON.

THAT'S WHY I'VE INVESTEDEVERYTHING IN GOLDEN CALF

FUTURES.

( LAUGHTER )AS A CATHOLIC, I TRY TO GIVE THE

POPE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

SO DOES BILL O'REILLY.

>> THE FAR LEFT IS DISTORTINGHIS WORDS, TRYING TO CO-OPT THE

POPE TO IMPOSE SO-CALLEDECONOMIC JUSTICE, WHICH IS

REALLY SOCIALISM, FORCEFULLYTAKING FROM THE HAVES AND GIVING

TO THE HAVE-NOTS.

I CAN TELL YOU WITH CERTAINTYTHAT POPE FRANCIS OPPOSES THAT

FORM OF TYRANNY AS MUCH AS THEPOLISH POPE JOHN PAUL DID.

>> Stephen: OKAY, PAPA BEARKNOWS WHAT'S IN POPE-A BEAR'S

HEART.

NO REDISTRIBUTION, NO SOCIALISM.

>> BREAKING NEWS, POPE FRANCISCALLED FOR GOVERNMENTS TO

REDISTRIBUTE WEALTH TO THE POOR.

IF YOU'RE SAYING TAKE IT FROMHERE, GIVE IT TO THERE,

EXPROPRIATE, I DON'T KNOW WHATTHAT IS BUT SOCIALISM.

>> Stephen: SON OF A BISHOP!

THE POPE IS A SOCIALIST!

I MEAN, IN RETROSPECT, I SHOULDHAVE KNOWN.

HE LIVES IN EUROPE AND HE GIVESHIS EMPLOYEES A ONE-DAY WORK

WEEK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

HE CAN'T DO THIS.

BECAUSE EITHER THE POPE IS WRONGOR GOD'S A COMMIE.

( LAUGHTER )WAIT A SECOND-- COME TO THINK OF

IT, HE DOES LOOK AN AWFUL LOTLIKE KARL MARX.

PLUS, JESUS WAS A CARPENTER.

THAT'S WHY HE'S HOLDING AHAMMER, BUT, JIMMY, WHAT'S

IN HIS OTHER HAND?

A SICKLE!

NO!

( APPLAUSE )NO, NO, NO.

I REFUSE.

THIS CANNOT BE RIGHT.

I MEAN, WHERE IS IT WRITTEN THATI CAN'T LOVE BOTH GOD AND MONEY?

I MEAN BESIDES IN MATTHEW WHEREJESUS SAYS YOU CANNOT SERVE

GOD AND MONEY.

( LAUGHTER )I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO

CHOOSE, MONEY OR JESUS.

I GUESS I'LL FLIP A COIN.

( LAUGHTER )THERE YOU HAVE IT.

IT CAME UP MONEY.

NATION, THE WORLD IS AGHAST ATTHE HORRIFIC SITUATION IN

NIGERIA.

AFTER THE KIDNAPPING LAST MONTHOF MORE THAN 300 SCHOOL GIRLS,

BY THE ISLAMIST TERRORIST GROUPBOKO HARAM.

OUT OF DESPERATION, LOCALACTIVISTS STARTED THE TWITTER

HASHTAG #BRINGBACKOURGIRLS, INORDER TO PLEAD FOR INTERNATIONAL

PRESSURE TO RESCUE THE GIRLSBECAUSE THEIR PARENTS HAD GIVEN

UP ON NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT, WHICHIS SHOCKING-- EVIDENTLY, NIGERIA

HAS A GOVERNMENT.

I KNEW THEY HAD A PRINCE.

I KEEP E-MAILING HIM MONEY.

WHY DOESN'T HE DO SOMETHING?

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WHAT STARTED AS A HASHTAG HASBECOME A MOVEMENT.

>> #BRINGBACKOURGIRLS HAS BECOMEA WORLDWIDE SOCIAL MEDIA

CAMPAIGN WITH MORE THAN AMILLION TWEETS BEING PUBLISHED

USING THE HASHTAG.

>> THE INTERNATIONAL OUTCRYCENTERS ON A TWITTER HASHTAG

APPROPRIATELY TITLED#BRINGBACKOURGIRLS.

>> #BRINGBACKOURGIRLS HAS NOWBEEN USED OVER A MILLION TIMES.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'SREFRESHING TO SEE THE WORLD GET

BEHIND A HASHTAG CAMPAIGN THATHAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FIRING

ME.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

NORMALLY--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, ILOVE INTERNET MEMES.

AFTER ALL, THE WORD "MEME" ISJUST THE WORD "ME" TWICE.

AND THIS ONE IS HUGE.

EVEN MICHELLE OBAMA JUMPED ONTHE HASH-TWAGON.

BUT I CANNOT GET BEHIND THISTWITTER CAMPAIGN BECAUSE NONE OF

MY FRIENDS ARE INTO IT.

>> THIS PICTURE IS OF THE FIRSTLADY.

I JUST THINK THIS IS PATHETIC.

>> DO SOMETHING REAL, FOLKS, NOTJUST SIT HERE AND THINK HOLDING

SIGNS IS THE SAME AS ACTIONS.

>> DO YOU THINK IT'S REALLYABOUT HELPING THE PEOPLE WHO

TWEET THE HASHTAG FEEL BETTERABOUT THEMSELVES?

>> EXACTLY THAT.

IT'S AN EXERCISE IN SELF-ESTEEM.

ARE THESE BARBARIANS IN THEWILDS OF NIGERIA SUPPOSED TO

CHECK THEIR TWITTER ACCOUNT ANDSAY UH-OH.

MICHELLE OBAMA IS CROSS WITH US.

WE BETTER CHANGE OUR BEHAVIOR.

>> Stephen: YES, TERRORISTSIN THE WILD ARE NOT ON TWITTER.

THEY'RE UP TO NASTY BUSINESS.

OBVIOUSLY, THEY'RE USING SNAPCHAT.

BESIDES, YOU DO NOT LAUNCH ATWITTER CAMPAIGN TO RESCUE

KIDNAPPED DAUGHTERS.

YOU SEND IN LIAM NEESON.

HASHTAG PARTICULAR SET OFSKILLS.

ALL THE TWEET BRIGADE IS DOINGIS RAISING GLOBAL AWARENESS OF

THESE KIDNAPPED GIRLS.

HERE TO RAISE MORE GLOBALAWARENESS OF THESE KIDNAPPED

GIRLS IS HUMANITARIAN ACTIVISTAND SUBJECT OF THE BOOK "SEWING

HOPE," SISTER ROSEMARYNYIRUMBE.

THANK YOU, ROSEMARY, THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

ALL RIGHT, TONE IT DOWN.

TONE IT DOWN, SISTER.

YOU'RE A HOLY WOMAN.

HERE'S THE BOOK YOU'RE THESUBJECT OF, "SEWING HOPE."

THERE'S ALSO A DOCUMENTARY THATGOES WITH IT.

YOU ARE A DIRECTOR OFST. MONICA'S TAILORING CENTER

IN UGANDA.

YOU'RE A DIRECTOR OF THEST. MONICA SINCE 2001.

YOU WERE A CNN HERO IN 2007.

LISTED BY "TIME" MAGAZINE AS ONEOF THE 100 MOST INFLUENTIAL

PEOPLE IN THE WORLD AND YOU WORKWITH THESE YOUNG WOMEN WHO WERE

ABDUCTED, TRYING TO GIVE THEMNEW LIVES.

IS HASHTAG ACTIVISM A GOOD THINGOR BAD THING?

>> IT IS THE BEST WE CAN DO, ANDWE HAVEN'T DONE ENOUGH.

WE SHOULD CONTINUE SHOUTING, ASI SAY.

WE MUST SHOUT, "BRING BACK OURGIRLS."

>> Stephen: HOW OFTEN DOESTHIS HAPPEN?

>> IT HAPPENS VERY OFTEN.

BUT WE KEEP SILENT ABOUT IT.

THE WORLD IS SILENT ABOUT THIS.

IT HAPPENS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

IT IS A GLOBAL PROBLEM.

>> Stephen: THEN WHY ARE WEHEARING SO MUCH ABOUT THIS

SITUATION?

>> WE ARE HEARING MUCH BECAUSEIT CONTINUES TO HAPPEN AND WE

REMAIN SILENT ABOUT IT.

THAT IS WHY I AM HERE REMINDINGPEOPLE, REMINDING WE HAVE TO

SHOUT ABOUT IT AND BRING AN ENDTO IT

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT SO, ALOT OF-- ALL RIGHT.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE PEOPLECAN DO OTHER THAN THE HASHTAG

CAMPAIGN?

WHAT CAN THEY DO TO HELP?

I THINK THE MORE WE SHOUT THEBETTER.

AND I ALSO SAY WE MUST BEPRESENT IN EVERY SITUATION.

IT IS VERY PAINFUL, BUT IF WEARE NOT THERE, IF WE PRETEND WE

ARE NOT LISTENING, IT WILLCONTINUE.

>> Stephen: IF WE PRETENDWE'RE NOT LISTENING, IT WILL

CONTINUE.

>> IT WILL CONTINUE.

>> Stephen: WHAT IF WE DON'TPRETEND.

WHAT IF WE REALLY JUST DON'TLISTEN?

HEAR ME OUT.

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SAD, OKAY,AND IT'S HAPPENING IN AFRICA,

WHICH IS A LONG WAY AWAY.

HOW DOES THAT AFFECT MY LIFE?

WHY SHOULD I BE SAD FORSOMETHING HAPPENING THOUSANDS OF

MILES AWAY WHEN THERE ARE THINGSAT HOME TO BE SAD ABOUT?

>> IF YOU CANNOT BE SAD BECAUSEIT IS HAPPENING IN AFRICA, WHICH

IT IS PART OF THE HUMANITY, IWILL FEEL LIKE JABBING YOU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: SO YOU, A NUNWOULD PUNCH ME?

>> OH, YEAH.

I WOULD.

LI.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

AM I ALLOWED TO PUNCH YOU BACK?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: NO?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: HOW IS THAT FAIR?

>> BECAUSE I'M GOING TO PUNCHYOU, AND I WILL WIN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: BARACK OBAMA SAYSHE WANTS THE UNITED STATES TO

HELP IN THE SEARCH FOR THESEGIRLS.

WHAT WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL--DRONES, MISSILES, TROOPS ON THE

GROUND?

WHAT SHOULD WE BE DOING?

>> YOU KNOW, ANY PEACEFUL WAY.

I WOULD OPT MORE THE PEACEFULWAY ALWAYS, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: OTHER THANPUNCHING ME IN THE FACE.

( LAUGHTER )>> WELL, YOU KNOW,.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE AHYPOCRITE.

>> LISTEN TO ME-- PUNCHING YOUIS THE MOST PEACEFUL WAY FOR ME

NOW.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELL, SISTER,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPINGBY.

SISTER ROSEMARY NYIRUMBE.

THE BOOK IS "SEWING HOPE."

BRING BACK OUR GIRLS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

NATION, I AM FEELING FINETONIGHT AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF

THE DEFEAT OF A BALLOTINITIATIVE LAST WEEK.

COLUMBUS, OHIO'S ISSUE 6 WHICH WOULD HAVE RAISED PROPERTY

TAXES TO SUPPORT THE COLUMBUSZOO FAMOUS FOR JACK HANNAH,

AMERICA'S FOREMOST EXPERT INCONVINCING TV HOSTS TO LET

ANIMALS PEE-PEE ON THEM. LASTWEEK, OHIO VOTERS POO-POOED IT.

>> MORE THAN 70% OF FRANKLINCOUNTY VOTERS SAID NO TO THAT

ZOO LEVEE.

>> Stephen: IN YOUR FACE,MANATEE!

OH, WHICHEVER END OF YOU THISIS.

WE OWE THIS VICTORY TO THE KOCHBROTHERS WHO HELPED SWAY

FRANKLIN COUNTY VOTERS WITH THISFLIER CALLING THE ZOO TAX A

MONEY GRAB.

LOOK AT THAT GREEDY CHIMP ASKINGFOR A HANDOUT OR A FOOT-OUT.

YOU CAN'T TELL WITH THESE GUYS.

ALL YOU KNOW FOR SURE IS THEOTHER THREE LIMBS ARE

MASTURBATING.

AS THE KOCH'S MAILER WARNED,THIS WAS GOING TO BE A MASSIVE

105% INCREASE ON PROPERTY TAXES.

105%!

THAT IS A SCARY NUMBER.

WAY SCARIER THAN THE ACTUALINCREASE 0.76%, OR ABOUT $23 FOR

THE MEDIAN HOMEOWNER.

AND ALL YOU GET FOR YOUR 23BUCKS IS ONE OF THE BEST ZOOS IN

AMERICA.

FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY, YOUCOULD BUY YOUR OWN COPY OF

"MADAGASCAR" ON D.V.D.

NATION, THE KOCHS' VICTORYAGAINST THE COLUMBUS ZOO TAX

SHOWS THEY'RE WILLING TO PLAYHARDBALL EVEN WHEN THEY PLAY

SMALL BALL.

AS THE OHIO DIRECTOR OFAMERICANS FOR PROSPERITY SAID,

THERE IS NOTHING WE WON'T DO,NOTHING!

THERE IS NO CHILDREN'S FIELDTRIP TOO SMALL FOR THESE TWO MEN

TO RUIN.

( LAUGHTER )THEIR NEXT CAMPAIGN IS BANNING

SHARP STRAWS TO PROTECT OURPRECIOUS JUICE BOX RESERVES.

BUT WE'RE NOT DONE FIGHTINGTHIS, FOLKS BECAUSE THE

COLUMBUS ZOO PROMISES TO TRYTHIS AGAIN AS SOON AS NOVEMBER.

WE AT THE THE "COLBERT REPORT"ARE NOT WAITING UNTIL NOVEMBER.

WE ARE CREATING OUR OWN ISSUESAD THAT WE ARE WILLING TO SELL

THE KOCH BROTHERS FOR A BILLIONDOLLARS.

JIM.

>> THE COLUMBUS ZOO WANTS MOREOF YOUR MONEY, BUT WHERE DOES

THAT MONEY GO?

TO FREE HOUSING FOR FOREIGNERSWHO SPEND ALL DAY HIGH ON

EUCALYPTUS.

TO SEX FIENDS GETTING FREAKY INFRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN.

AND GOVERNMENT-SUBSIDIZEDO-LLAMA CARE.

THEY DON'T SHARE OUR GENES.

AND THEY DON'T SHARE OUR VALUES.

IT'S TIME TO LOCK THEM UP ANDTHROW AWAY THE KEY.

THIS AD SHOULD BE PAID FOR BYAMERICANS FOR PROSPERITY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: FOLKS, NO MATTERHOW GREAT-- YES, I AGREE.

I AGREE.

NO MATTER HOW GREAT THOSE APESARE, LET'S PROVE THAT HUMANS ARE

STILL BEST WHEN IT COMES TOFLINGING OUR EXCREMENT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK

EVERYBODY.

MY GUESTS TONIGHT ARE AN AWARDWINNING BLUES BAND.

PLEASE WELCOME THE BLACK KEYS.

THIS IS YOUR FOURTH TIME ON THESHOW.

THAT'S GOT TO BE SOME KIND OFRECORD.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING US BACK.

>> Stephen: SO YOU GUYS, YOUSOLD MILLIONS OF ALBUMS, YOU

HAVE SEVEN GRAMMYS.

HOW MUCH MORE COLBERT BUMP DOYOU GUYS NEED, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE HERE TO SUCK MORE MAGICFROM ME.

>> MAGIC, WE NEED MORE MAGIC.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE MAGICVAMPIRES.

WE CHECKED YOUR PROSTATE LASTTIME, REMEMBER THAT?

HOW DID YOU WORKING WITH MYPROSTATE INFLUENCE YOUR NEW

ALBUM WHICH IS CALLED "TURNBLUE."

>> THAT IS BROUGHT US INTOOUR BLUE PERIOD.

>> Stephen: THIS IS AN IMAGEFROM MY COLONOSCOPY ON THE

FRONT.

AND THAT DARK AREA IN THE MIDDLEDOES NOT LOOK GOOD.

I SHOULD HAVE THAT CHECKED OUT.

OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE KNOWN FORYOUR CONCISE BLUES ROCK.

YOUR FIRST ALBUM HAD, LIKE,TWO-MINUTE SONGS ON IT, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THIS ONE HAS,LIKE, SEVEN-MINUTE SONGS ON IT

WITH TWO-MINUTE GUITAR LEADS. ISTHIS THE PHISH-IFICATION OF

THE BLACK KEYS? DID TREYANASTASIO GET TO YOU?

WHY SO LONG?

>> I DON'T KNOW, APPARENTLY WEMADE THE RECORD WRONG ACCORDING

TO THE PITCHFORKS.

OUR PRIMITIVE NEANDERTHAL MINDSEXPANDED SLIGHTLY AND COULD

CONTEXTUALIZE FOUR- TOSEVEN-MINUTE SONGS THIS TIME

AROUND.

>> Stephen: IT'S GOOD FORD.J.s BECAUSE THAT'S ENOUGH

TIME TO GO TAKE A DUMP.

VERY GENEROUS OF YOU GUYS.

THIS HAS A LITTLE PSYCHEDELIAINFLUENCE TO IT.

OBVIOUSLY THE SPIRALS ON THECOVER, THAT'S A TRIP RIGHT

THERE.

A LITTLE INFLUENCE BY THEGRATEFUL DEAD, I UNDERSTAND.

>> YEAH, THAT'S THE FIRST SHOW IEVER SAW WITH MY DAD WAS THE

GRATEFUL DEAD AT THE RICHFIELDCOLISEUM, CLEVELAND, OHIO.

>> Stephen: WAS IT A GOODSHOW?

>> I WAS 13. I HAD NO IDEA WHATTHEY WERE DOING.

>> Stephen: HOW WAS JERRY?

WAS JERRY GOOD?

>> I REMEMBER EVERY TIME THISGUY WITH WHITE HAIR AND A BIG

WHITE BEARD GOT ON STAGE,EVERYONE SCREAMED.

NOT EVEN WHEN HE WAS PLAYING.

IF YOU SAW HIM POP AROUND THEBACKSTAGE AREA, EVERYBODY

STARTED SCREAMING.

>> HE THOUGHT HE WAS SANTACLAUS.

>> Stephen: HE THOUGHT JERRYWAS SANTA CLAUS?

>> I THINK SO.

>> NO, I DIDN'T.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: LET'S JUST BE

SILENT WITH EACH OTHER FOR ASECOND.

DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?

LET'S JUST WAIT FOR SOMETHING TOARISE THAT WE WANT TO TALK

ABOUT, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S LET IT HAPPEN, OKAY?

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: PATRICK, YOU'RELOOKING GOOD.

HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

>> NOPE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: CAN YOU GUYS DO ASONG FOR US.

>> UM, MAYBE.

>> Stephen: LET'S SEE WHATHAPPENS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THESHOW BUT BEFORE WE GO, NATION,

ONE LAST THING-- IF YOU WANT TOBUY ONE OF THESE BAGS MADE BY

RESCUED GIRLS AT THE ST.MONICA'S GIRL'S SCHOOL IN

UGANDA HEAD TOSISTERSUNITED.COM.

DO IT OR SISTER ROSEMARY'SGOING TO PUNCH ME.

GOOD NIGHT.

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