Gabriel Iglesias: Aloha Fluffy

  • Season 1, Ep 101
  • 04/07/2013

Gabriel Iglesias describes traveling in Singapore, explains what it's like to raise a teenager and reveals behind-the-scenes stories from the film "Magic Mike."

WE'VE BEEN TRAVELING

SO MANY PLACES.

WE'VE PROBABLY BEEN IN ABOUT

14 COUNTRIES IN THE LAST

TWO MONTHS.

YEAH.

UH-HUH.

SHOOT, WE'RE LIKE HERPES:

WE GO EVERYWHERE.

TWICE A YEAR.

ANYWAY, UM--

[laughs]

THAT'S BAD, I KNOW, RIGHT?

YOU GUYS ARE SO CLOSE, MAN.

LIKE, IF I SLIP, THAT'S IT.

[deep growling]

HIS SHOW WAS IN 3-D,

BUT IT HURT.

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

IT WAS TERRIBLE.

YEAH.

SO, I GOT TO TELL YOU, WHEN WE

FIRST KICKED OFF OUR WORLD TOUR,

WE STARTED IN, UH--

WE STARTED IN SINGAPORE,

AND, FOR ME, THAT KIND OF THREW

ME OFF BECAUSE--JUST TO LET

YOU GUYS KNOW--THEY DO

SPEAK ENGLISH IN SINGAPORE.

IT'S ACTUALLY THE NUMBER ONE

LANGUAGE SPOKEN,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WELL,

WHY WOULD YOU GO TO SINGAPORE

TO PERFORM IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW

WHETHER OR NOT THEY

UNDERSTOOD YOU?"

'CAUSE THE CHECK WAS FAT.

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

[laughs]

AND I'M A LITTLE WHORE.

SO, YEAH.

[imitates airplane whooshing]

THE ONLY THING WITH SINGAPOREIS THAT SINGAPORE, THE RULES

OVER THERE ARE VERY STRICT.

LIKE, UH, MANY YEARS AGO,AN AMERICAN WENT OVER THERE,

AND HE WAS GRAFFITIING ONA WALL, OKAY?

HE TAGGED UP A WALL, AND THEYGOT HIM, AND THEY DON'T GIVE

OUT TICKETS IN SINGAPORE.

THE PENALTY FOR THAT WAS,THEY PULLED HIM ASIDE,

TOOK OFF HIS SHIRT,AND THEY CANED HIM WITH A STICK.

AND THERE'S NO SET NUMBER, LIKE,OH, YOU GRAFFITI A WALL

WITH TWO LETTERS,THAT'S FOUR LICKS.

NO, THE GUY HITS YOU UNTIL HEFEELS YOU'VE LEARNED A LESSON.

YEAH, THAT'S HARDCORE.

IF YOU'RE CAUGHT SMUGGLING DRUGSINTO SINGAPORE,

THE PENALTY IS DEATH,WHICH MAKES SOMEBODY LIKE MYSELF

NERVOUS WHEN YOU TRAVEL WITHTHE PEOPLE THAT YOU TRAVEL WITH.

[cheers and applause]MARTIN!

HELL, YEAH.

AND YOU KNOW IT'S CRAZY BECAUSETHEY PLAY A VIDEO WHEN YOU'RE

GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS.

AS YOU'RE GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS,THEY PLAY A VIDEO TO LET YOU

KNOW WHERE YOU'RE ABOUTTO GO IN TO.

AND IT STARTS OFF REALLY NICE.

IT STARTS OFF SWEET.

IT'S LIKE--[imitates gentle music]

"WELCOME TO SINGAPORE.

SINGAPORE VERYBEAUTIFUL COUNTRY.

VERY NICE COUNTRY.

VERY CLEAN COUNTRY.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SMUGGLINGDRUGS INTO OUR COUNTRY,

I STAB YOU!

I CHOKE YOU!

I KNOCK YOU ON THE GROUND!

I SQUAT OVER YOU AND PEE ON YOUWHILE DOING GANGNAM STYLE.

I DO IT LIKE THAT!

I KICK YOU AND KILL YOU."

[cheers and applause]

ENJOY SINGAPORE.

UH-HUH.

FROM SINGAPORE, WEGOT TO GO UP

TO LONDON, ENGLAND, TO DOSOME SHOWS.

AND IT WAS PRETTY COOLOVER THERE.

OBVIOUSLY, THEY SPOKE ENGLISH.

THE ONLY ISSUES THAT I HAD INLONDON, ENGLAND, WERE THAT,

OVER THERE, THEY DRIVE ON THEOPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STREET,

AND THAT IS VERY--YOU KNOW,THAT'S KIND OF CHALLENGING FOR

TOURISTS, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RECROSSING THE STREET, YOU'RE

AUTOMATICALLY CONDITIONEDTO COME OUT, LOOK LEFT, LOOK

RIGHT, LOOK LEFT AGAIN,AND THEN YOU CROSS.

AND SO, WHEN YOU'RE THERE, YOUHAVE TO RETRAIN YOURSELF,

BECAUSE YOU'LL COME OUT, ANDYOU THINK YOU'RE COOL.

"LOOK, THERE'S NO CARS COMING.

LET'S GO."

[imitating engine][screams]

EVERY OTHER BLOCK IS LIKE THEMOVIE FINAL DESTINATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND OVER THERE, THEY GOTDOUBLE-DECKER BUSES.

THOSE SUCKERS ARE HEAVY.

YOU GET HIT BY ONE OF THOSEAT 30 MILES AN HOUR...

[groans]YOU KNOW?

AT LEAST IF YOU GET HIT BY A BUSHERE ON THE ISLAND, YOU HAVE

SO MUCH OF A CHANCE.

FIRST OF ALL, NOBODY'S INA HURRY.

YOU GET HIT BY A BUS HERE...

[imitates horn honking]"HEY, BRO,

WALK IT OFF.

ARE YOU OKAY?""SHOOTS!"

"ALL RIGHT."

I'VE BEEN TO THE NEWS STATIONHERE.

I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS MANYTIMES, AND THEY'RE ALWAYS--

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS WOULDSTEP OFF THE CURB.

THEY'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

THEY'RE LOOKING AT THEBUILDINGS, OR THEY'RE TAKING

PICTURES, AND YOU KNOW...

[imitates horn honking]YOU KNOW, AND THEY REPORT THEM,

YOU KNOW?

"A MAN WAS STRUCK BY A BUSHERE TODAY.

HIS LEG WAS BROKEN.

DOCTORS SAY HE WILL BE OKAY."

LONDON, ENGLAND, GETTING HITBY A DOUBLE-DECKER BUS GOING 30?

[chuckles]"A MAN EXPLODED TODAY

WHEN HE WAS STRUCK BYA DOUBLE-DECKER BUS.

WE HAVE VIDEO FOOTAGE."

[imitates horn honking]

SOME OF THE PLACES WE'REPLANNING ON PERFORMING THIS

NEXT YEAR, WE'RE TALKING ABOUTGOING TO GERMANY.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GOINGTO BULGARIA AND INDIA.

INDIA'S ON THE LIST OF NEWPLACES WE'RE GONNA VISIT,

AND I'M EXCITED ABOUT INDIA,YOU KNOW, AND I WAS TELLING

PEOPLE IN ENGLAND THAT WE'REGOING, YOU KNOW, TO INDIA.

I HAD INDIAN PEOPLE TELLING ME,"OH, IT'S GONNA AMAZING WHEN

YOU GO THERE.

YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY IT.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.

IT'S AMAZING."

AND I'D JUST STARE, AND THE GUYGOES, "WHY ARE YOU STARING?"

I GO, "'CAUSE YOUR VOICEDOESN'T MATCH THE, YOU KNOW..."

"OH, YOU THINK WE ALLSOUND LIKE--"

"I'M SORRY, DUDE.

I LIVE IN AMERICA.

INDIANS OVER THERE KEEP IT REAL.

[laughs]YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY."

AND I HAVE NOTHING BUT LOVEAND RESPECT FOR INDIAN PEOPLE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHINGRIGHT NOW.

INDIAN PEOPLE IN THE UNITEDSTATES ARE THE HARDEST WORKING

PEOPLE I HAVE EVER SEEN,AND THAT'S COMING FROM

A MEXICAN, OKAY?

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHYI SAY THIS.

YOU WILL NEVER SEE AN INDIANPERSON WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS,

"WILL WORK FOR FOOD" INTHE UNITED STATES.

AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE AN INDIANPERSON COMMITTING A CRAZY CRIME.

LIKE, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIMEYOU HEARD OF INDIANS ROBBING

A BANK?

LOOK AT EVERYBODY.

"OH, I CAN'T REMEMBER, BRO."

'CAUSE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

FIRST OF ALL, INDIAN PEOPLEARE SO NICE, AND THEY'RE SO

SWEET.

I CAN'T SEE IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU GONNA ROB A BANK,YOU NEED AUTHORITY.

YOU NEED TO COME IN THEREGUNS BLAZING.

"I SAID, GET YOUR ASSON THE GROUND NOW!"

I CAN'T IMAGINE...

[imitating Indian accent] "WOULDYOU PLEASE TAKE THE MONEY?

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

I AM TALKING TO YOU!

FORGET THIS!

I'M OUT OF HERE!

I DON'T NEED THIS."

HE GETS IN THE CAR.

[imitates car door slamming]HIS PARTNER'S WAITING FOR HIM.

"DID YOU GET THE MONEY?""THEY WOULD NOT GIVE ME

THE MONEY."

"DID YOU SHOW THEM THE GUN?""I SHOWED THEM THE GUN!"

"WE'D BETTER LEAVE.

THEY'RE GOING TO CALLTHE POLICE."

"THEY'RE STILL LAUGHING."

"WHERE DID YOU GETTHE COMPUTER?"

"THEY THOUGHT I WASTECH SUPPORT."

>> ALL THESE DIFFERENTCOUNTRIES, ALL THESE DIFFERENT

PLACES WE'VE BEEN GOING,AND, HONESTLY, YOU GUYS,

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE WITHOUTTHE LOVE AND THE SUPPORT

OF MY FAMILY.

THEY MADE THAT POSSIBLE,'CAUSE I CAN'T JUST GO TAKE OFF.

YOU KNOW, REALLY,SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE?

IT TAKES A STRONG WOMAN,FIRST OF ALL, TO PUT UP WITH ME.

IT'S NOT--"OH, YOU'RE GOING TO GO

TRAVEL THE WORLDWITH THIS CRAZY GUY NAMED MARTIN

WHO'S GOT TATTOOS AND ISSUES?

HAVE FUN."

UH-UH, IT'S NOT EASY, YOU GUYS.

LIKE I SAID, IT TAKES A LOT OFLOVE AND SUPPORT FROM MY FAMILY,

AND RIGHT NOW IT'S A CRAZY TIME,BECAUSE MY SON IS 15, MM-KAY?

SOME OF YOU KNOW I HAVE A SONFROM MY LAST SPECIAL.

I TALKED ABOUT HOW I BECAMEA DAD, AND, UM--

BECAUSE HE'S TECHNICALLYMY STEPSON,

AND THE ONLY REASON I'M SAYINGTHAT IS BECAUSE HE'S BEEN

IN MY LIFE FOR EIGHT YEARSAND HE'S 15.

SO I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOK ATME AND THE MATH IS ALL WRONG,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "HE'S GHETTO."

I'M NOT GHETTO.

I JUST HOOKED UP WITHA BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

WHO HAD A PRE-STARTED FAMILY,WHICH IS WHY THE MATH IS OFF.

BASICALLY, I TOOK OVER A LEASE,IS WHAT HAPPENED.

AND EVERYTHING'S BEEN GOINGGREAT, BUT WHEN HE TURNED 15,

IT STARTED CHANGING.

LIKE, HE NO LONGER TALKS TO ME,WHICH IS CRAZY.

NOT TO SAY THAT HE DOESN'TSEE ME AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME,

HE JUST DOESN'T TALK.

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS PERSONAL,AND HIS MOM IS LIKE, "NO, HE'S

GOING THROUGH A PHASE."

LIKE, HE DOESN'T SPEAK.

HE MAKES SOUNDS.

"FRANKIE, HOW'S YOUR DAY?"[sighs]

"DID YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH?"[groans]

LIKE, WOW.

LIKE, THE ONLY PERSON HE TALKSTO IS AT THE OTHER END

OF HIS PHONE, 'CAUSE THAT'SALL HE DOES.

ALL DAY, JUST TEXT,TEXT, TEXT, TEXT.

AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE'SALWAYS LIKE THIS, TEXTING,

AND WHEN HE WALKS AROUND,HE TAKES LITTLE STEPS SO THAT

IN CASE HE BUMPS INTOSOMETHING, IT DOESN'T HURT.

LIKE, HE'S LIKE--LIKE,THE LITTLE VACUUM, YOU KNOW?

YOU--AND THEN, YOU KNOW--

AND THEN--[smacks and whooshes]

YOU KNOW?

AND WHEN HE'S TAKINGTHESE LITTLE STEPS,

HE MAKES THESE SOUNDS.

[grunting]AND HIS TONGUE COMES OUT

HALF WAY.

IT LOOKS FREAKY.

[grunting]LIKE HE'S TRYING

TO TEXT WITH IT.

[grunting]AND I ASKED HIS MOM,

"IS HE OKAY?""HE'S GOING THROUGH A PHASE."

AND I COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTANDMY SON STANDING IN THE CORNER

FOR 15 MINUTES AT A TIMEWITH HIS TONGUE OUT MAKING

NOISES IF HE WAS A SPECIALCIRCUMSTANCE,

BUT HE'S NOT, OKAY?

IF HE WAS, I'D HUG HIM AND LOVEHIM THE SAME, BUT HE'S NOT.

HE'S A STRAIGHT-"A" STUDENTIN HIS SCHOOL.

HE'S AT THE TOP OF THE LISTIN HIS CLASS AS ONE OF

THE SMARTEST KIDS.

AND IT'S--NO, NO, NO, DON'T!

DON'T CLAP!

DON'T CLAP! YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE ON PAPER,IT SAYS HE'S A GENIUS.

BUT AT HOME--[grunting]

IT DOESN'T MATCH.

[mouthing words]

>> HIS MOM ALLOWS ME TO BEA DAD, YOU KNOW?

AS A STEPPARENT, IT'S NOT EASY.

YOU CAN'T JUST COME INAND RUN THINGS.

IT TAKES TIME.

IF YOU COME INTO THAT HOUSEAND YOU START TRYING TO YELL

AT PEOPLE AND START TRYING TO--UH-UH, NO, THEY'LL JUMP

ALL OVER YOU.

"YOU CAN'T BE DOING THAT."

"HEY!

YOU TELL ME WHAT HE DID.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING."

A FEW OF YOU ARE LIKE,"OH, I'VE BEEN THERE, BRAH."

YEAH, RIGHT?

NEXT THINK YOU KNOW,YOU'RE IN THE CORNER CRYING

WHEN THAT KID IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

IT'S A HAZING PROCESSIN THE BEGINNING.

IT'S--EVERYBODY'S PUSHINGEACH OTHER'S BUTTONS.

EVERYBODY'S TESTING EACH OTHER.

IS THIS GUY REALLY GONNASTICK AROUND?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS,AND AFTER EIGHT YEARS,

HEY, MY CREDIT IS GOOD,SO MY GIRL BACKS ME UP

WHENEVER I MAKE A CALL.

SHE BACKS ME UP.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

IF I MAKE A BAD CALL,SHE'S GONNA CALL ME ON IT, OKAY?

IF I MESS UP, SHE'S GONNAPOINT IT OUT.

SHE DOESN'T THINK THAT ALLMY IDEAS ARE GOOD ONES.

AND THERE'S BEEN A FEW TIMESWHEN I'VE MESSED UP AS A DAD.

LIKE ONE NIGHT...

[chuckles]I GOT REALLY, REALLY DRUNK

ON THE ROAD WITH MARTIN,AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I STARTED DRUNK-TEXTING FRANKIE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT ISABOUT ME GETTING DRUNK.

FOR SOME REASON,THE PHONE JUST--

AH!

AND MY GIRL FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.

AND WHEN I GOT HOME,I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP

BECAUSE SHE CALLED MEBY MY FIRST NAME,

AND WE HAVEN'T USED FIRST NAMESIN YEARS.

YOU KNOW, SINCE THEN,IT'S ALWAYS BEEN PET NAMES.

YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES, YOU KNOW,HONEY, BABY, SWEETIE, SUCIA,

SOMETHING TO KIND OF JUST--SOME OF YOU GOT THAT--

GRACIAS.

ANYWAY...

I WALK IN THE DOOR,AND I HEAR, "GABRIEL."

AND I'M LIKE--"I'M IN COURT."

AND HERE SHE COMES,OUT OF THE BACK.

"I UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU'REOUT THERE, YOU'RE GONNA DO

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK?

FINE, GET DRUNK.

YOU WANT TO TEXT MEWHILE YOU'RE DRUNK?

FINE, TEXT ME WHILEYOU'RE DRUNK.

DO NOT EVER DRUNK TEXTMY SON AGAIN."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW I WAS DRUNK?""REALLY?

"FRANKIE, COME HERE.

BRING YOUR PHONE."

"LOOK AT THIS MESSAGE THAT CAMEIN AT 4:17 A.M.

'PUT ON DEODORANT, [bleep].'"

"THAT'S A NICKNAME."

AND I DON'T WANT YOU THINKING

THAT MY GIRLFRIEND'S

A BAD PERSON.

SHE'S AN AMAZING WOMAN.

THE FACT THAT I ONLY HAVE

SEVEN STORIES ABOUT HER

IN EIGHT YEARS SAYS A LOT.

YOU KNOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

FIVE OF THEM HAPPENED THIS YEAR.

BUT THAT'S STILL WAY

BELOW THE BAR,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND I GET QUESTIONS.

I GET QUESTIONS ABOUT HER,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IN THE PAST,

I'VE DONE SPECIALS

AND I'VE TALKED ABOUT

OTHER PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

I'VE TALKED ABOUT MY MOM.

I'VE TALKED ABOUT MY DAD.

I'VE TALKED ABOUT MY SISTERS,

MY BROTHER.

I'VE TALKED ABOUT FRANKIE.

BUT I'VE NEVER REALLY TALKED

ABOUT MY GIRL, AND SO I GET

PEOPLE THAT ASK ME, YOU KNOW,

"WE WANT TO KNOW

A LITTLE BIT MORE."

FIRST QUESTION THAT EVERYBODY

ALWAYS ASKS IS, "IS YOUR

GIRLFRIEND FLUFFY TOO?"

AND, NO, SHE'S NOT.

SHE'S A LITTLE BIT CURVY,

BUT SHE'S NOT FLUFFY.

AND IT'S NOT TO SAY THAT I HAVE

ANYTHING AGAINST BIG WOMEN.

MOST OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS

WERE REALLY BIG GIRLS.

WHEN WE WOULD HUG, IT WAS LIKE

ARMS AND PILLOWS.

AH, YEAH, IT WAS THAT

TEMPUR-PEDIC LOVE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT WAS HARDCORE.

LIKE, WE WOULD HUG REALLY,

REALLY HARD AND THEN LET GO,

AND THEN OUR BODY WOULD COME

BACK TO NORMAL.

ANOTHER QUESTION THAT PEOPLE

ASK IS, "IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND

ALSO MEXICAN?"

YOU KNOW, IS YOUR

GIRLFRIEND MEXICAN?

AND, YES, SHE IS, BUT THAT

DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,

BECAUSE I HAVE DATED

THE RAINBOW, OKAY?

THAT'S JUST WHERE IT LANDED,

YOU KNOW?

IT JUST...

[imitates wheel clicking]

OH, LOOK.

[trumpeting La Cucaracha]

THAT'S JUST WHERE IT LANDED,

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

THE CRAZY PART WITH MY GIRL IS

THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE

TRADITIONAL MEXICAN FEATURES,

ALL RIGHT?

SHE COULD PASS FOR WHITE,

WHICH IS FUNNY, BECAUSE THE

FIRST TIME I INTRODUCED HER

TO MY MOM, IT WAS QUITE

THE SHOW.

I TAKE MY GIRL TO GO MEET MY MOM

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND, YOU KNOW, MY MOM,

SHE'LL COME TO THE DOOR.

SHE'LL COME TO THE DOOR IF,

YOU KNOW, IF SHE SEES YOU

PULLING UP IN THE DRIVEWAY.

SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND JUST

WAITS FOR YOU TO GET THERE

AND GREETS YOU AT THE DOOR.

SO I'M PULLING UP, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, SHE COMES TO THE DOOR,

AND SHE SEES ME OPENING THE

DOOR, AND THIS WHITE GIRL COMES

OUT, RIGHT?

AND SHE STARTS CUSSING ME OUT

FROM THE DOOR.

[speaking Spanish]

GET THAT WHITE GIRL...

[speaking Spanish]

AND MY GIRL SPEAKS SPANISH,

SO MY GIRL LOOKS AT MY MOM,

AND SHE'S LIKE, "HOLA, SEƑORA.

COMO ESTAS?"

AND MY MOM WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

OH, I'M SO SORRY."

I WENT, "AH, YOU SEE THAT MA?

YOU SEE THAT MA?

THEY MAKE THEM IN THAT

COLOR TOO."

TEN YEARS OF MY CAREER,

I WAS CONSIDERED A SOUTHWEST

COMEDIAN BY PROMOTERS,

MEANING THAT THEY WOULD ONLY

PROMOTE ME IN CALIFORNIA,

ARIZONA, NEVADA, TEXAS,

YOU KNOW, NEW MEXICO.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,

BUT HERE'S THE THING,

IS THAT THEY WERE CALLING ME

A SOUTHWEST COMEDIAN,

AND THEN THEY'D CALL ME

LATINO COMEDIAN,

AND I HATED THAT.

NO, NO "WHOO." I HATE THAT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHY,

AND I KNOW YOU HAVE GOOD

INTENTIONS WHEN YOU "WHOO."

LET ME EXPLAIN WHY I DON'T

LIKE THAT TITLE.

WHEN YOU SAY LATINO COMEDIAN,

IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I CAN

ONLY PERFORM FOR LATINOS, OKAY?

AND DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHERE

I COME FROM, BUT I BELIEVE

THAT LATINOS SHOULD BE SHARED

WITH EVERYONE, AND THAT'S WHAT

I'M TRYING TO DO.

AND THE REASON WHY I MAKE

A BIG DEAL ABOUT THAT

IS BECAUSE ANYBODY ELSE,

YOU JUST CALL THEM THEIR NAME.

FOR EXAMPLE, JERRY SEINFELD.

HE'S JUST JERRY SEINFELD.

HE'S NOT "JEWISH COMEDIAN,

JERRY SEINFELD."

CHRIS ROCK IS JUST CHRIS ROCK.

HE'S NOT "AFRICAN-AMERICAN

COMEDIAN, CHRIS ROCK."

BUT WITH ME, I WAS ALWAYS

"LATINO COMEDIAN"

OR "FAT COMIC."

YEAH, THE WOULDN'T EVEN

CALL ME FLUFFY, THOSE BASTARDS.

AND SO IT WASN'T UNTIL YEARS

AND YEARS OF GRINDING IT OUT

THAT EVENTUALLY I WOUND UP

MEETING A PROMOTER WHO

EVENTUALLY BECAME MY MANAGER

WHO TOOK A CHANCE ON ME,

AND HE PROMOTED ME

IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, OKAY?

AND YOU CANNOT GET ANY WHITER

THAN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA.

THAT IS WHERE THE HAOLES

ARE BUILT.

OKAY?

THAT IS THE HAOLE FACTORY,

OKAY, IS MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA.

AND IT WAS A VENUE ABOUT AS

BIG AS THIS, AND IT WAS--

IT WAS SOLD OUT, AND WORD GOT

BACK TO LOS ANGELES

AND TO NEW YORK AND TO ALL

THESE PROMOTERS THAT THERE'S

THIS ENTERTAINER WITH THE LAST

NAME IGLESIAS WHO SOLD A BUNCH

OF TICKETS, WHO WAS NOT ENRIQUE.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, PROMOTERS

ARE COMING OUT THE WOODWORK.

NOW THEY'RE CHANGING THEIR TUNE.

NOW THEY'RE NOT CALLING ME

LATINO COMEDIAN ANYMORE.

NOW THEY'RE SAYING,

"OH, THIS GUY,

HE'S FUNNY ACROSS THE BOARD.

HE'S CROSSOVER.

HE'S SO CROSSOVER HIS MATERIAL

TOUCHES EVERYONE.

HE'S CROSSOVER.

HE'S CROSSOVER."

REALLY, YOU'RE GONNA CALL

A MEXICAN "CROSSOVER"?

IT WAS GETTING WORSE!

AND HE'S GOT A FALCON WITH HIM,

AND HE'S GOT A GLOVE, AND HE

HANDS ME THE GLOVE, AND I PUT

IT ON, AND HE TRANSFERS HIS

FALCON TO MY ARM.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE STARTS

DOING SNAPPING THINGS, AND HE'S

BASICALLY SHOWING ME THAT THE

FALCON'S TRAINED, AND I THOUGHT

THAT WAS GREAT.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA KILL

SOMETHING.

I'M LIKE, "NO!"

BUT WE WERE JUST PLAYING

WITH THE FALCON, AND I STARTED

GETTING EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

AND THE MORE EXCITED I GOT, THE

MORE THE PRINCE STARTED SHOWING

HIS AGE, 'CAUSE THEN HE GOT

EXCITED.

I'M LIKE, "THIS IS GREAT."

"IT IS GREAT."

"YEAH, THIS IS SO COOL."

"SO COOL."

I'M LIKE, "GOD, YOU'RE SO LUCKY

TO HAVE SO MANY FALCONS."

"I AM SO LUCKY.

WOULD YOU LIKE A FALCON?"

SO MATTER-OF-FACT.

LIKE, "WOULD YOU LIKE A COOKIE?

WOULD YOU LIKE A FALCON?"

SAME WAY!

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DON'T GIVE ME A FALCON THAT CAN

RETRIEVE THINGS.

SHOOT, YOU THINK I'M LAZY NOW."

HELL, NO.

DON'T GIVE ME A--NO, UH-UH.

I WOULDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE.

I'D BE AT THE FRONT DOOR.

"DOUGHNUTS."

[imitates falcon screeching]

AND WHO THE HELL IS GONNA WATCH

MY FALCON WHEN I'M UP HERE

PERFORMING?

I CAN'T LEAVE IT WITH MY BUDDY

MARTIN IN THE BACK.

YOU KNOW HE WOULD ABUSE IT, TAKE

IT TO SOME NIGHTCLUB, TRY TO

HOOK UP WITH IT.

FREAKING...

[imitates bassy club music]

"THE REDHEAD."

[imitates falcon screeching]

>> AFTER I PERFORMED INTHE MIDDLE EAST, I HAD ONE

OF THE LONGEST FLIGHTSOF MY LIFE COMING HOME.

IT WAS PROBABLY ABOUT26-HOUR TRIP, OKAY?

WE LEFT OUT OF KUWAIT, AND WEHAD ABOUT FOUR STOPS.

IT WAS LONG.

WHEN I GOT HOME, I WAS SO TIRED.

I TURNED ON MY PHONE TO CHECKMY MESSAGES, AND I HAD

A VOICEMAIL MESSAGE FROM A GUYBY THE NAME OF CHANNING TATUM.

OKAY?

[women cheering]NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT

WHOO-ING, LET ME EXPLAINWHO THAT IS.

CHANNING TATUM IS THE NEWHOLLYWOOD HOT GUY.

HE'S THE GUY THAT COMES OUTIN ALL THESE MOVIES, REALLY

GOOD-LOOKING, RIPPED, YOU KNOW.

HE'S MAKING A LOT OF FILMS,AND THERE'S A VOICEMAIL ON THERE

FROM HIM.

"GABRIEL IGLESIAS, THIS ISCHANNING TATUM.

PLEASE CALL ME AT YOUREARLIEST CONVENIENCE."

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, YOU KNOW?

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, OKAY,"SO I CALLED HIM UP, YOU KNOW?

"HELLO?"I GO, "HI, THIS IS

GABRIEL IGLESIAS.

I'M CALLING FORMR. CHANNING TATUM."

HE YELLS, "FLUFFY!""HELLO?"

"OH, DUDE, MAN, I'M A HUGE FAN.

HEY, LISTEN, BRO.

REALLY QUICK, I ONLY HAVE,LIKE, A MINUTE.

LOOK, BRO, I'M DOING A NEWMOVIE, AND I WANT TO SEE

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN READINGAND AUDITIONING FOR

ONE OF THE PARTS."

I GO, "SURE, BRAH.

I'D BE HAPPY TO AUDITIONFOR--YOU KNOW, FOR YOUR MOVIE.

WHAT'S IT CALLED?"HE GOES, "THE MOVIE'S CALLED

MAGIC MIKE."

[women cheering]

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, MAGIC MIKE.SO YOU NEED A MAGICIAN.

YOU NEED AN ASSISTANT.

YOU WANT TO SAW ME HALF.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?""ACTUALLY, BRO, THE MOVIE HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH MAGIC.

IT'S ACTUALLY A MOVIE ABOUTMALE STRIPPERS."

I SAID, "MALE STRIPPERS?"HE GOES, "YEAH, MALE STRIPPERS."

I SAID, "YOU DO KNOW THAT THISIS GABRIEL IGLESIAS, RIGHT?"

HE GOES, "YOU'RE FUNNY, BRO.

LISTEN, WE'VE ALREADY GOTTHE DANCERS, BUT WE NEED

SOMEBODY TO PLAY THE DJAT THE CLUB.

WILL YOU AUDITION FOR THE PART?"I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT, BRO?

I'LL BE THERE, OKAY?"AND JUST TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW,

'CAUSE SOME PEOPLE HAVE ASKEDME IN THE PAST, "HOW COME YOU'RE

NOT IN MORE MOVIES?"BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO AUDITION,

AND I DON'T LIKE AUDITIONSBECAUSE THEY TREAT YOU

LIKE CRAP.

AUDITIONS ARE VERY COLDAND VERY JUST--

THEY MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE [bleep].

THEY SERIOUSLY DO.

YOU WORK REALLY HARD TO MEMORIZEALL YOUR LINES.

THEN YOU SHOW UP, AND YOU TRYTO DO YOUR THING, AND THEY CUT

YOU OFF REALLY QUICK.

YOU'RE IN THERE, AND YOU'RELIKE, "UM, OKAY, SO WHO--"

"HOLD ON."

"OH, OKAY, I'LL HOLD ON.

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?""DON'T TALK TO HIM."

"ALL RIGHT, NO PROBLEM.

OKAY."

"ARE YOU READY?""YES, I'M READY.

QUICK QUESTION.

HOW MUCH ENERGY DO YOU WANT?""YOU DON'T KNOW?"

"THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING."

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU TRYTO ASK THEM MORE QUESTIONS,

LIKE, "IS THIS OKAY?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO AGAIN?""THANK YOU."

[snapping fingers]THEY--I'VE HAD MY--

THE FINGERS.

THIS SO MANY TIMES, ANDIT HURTS.

"THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU."

AND YOU'RE SITTING IN YOUR CAR,AND YOU'RE CRYING.

[sobbing]

"THEY DON'T LIKE ME."

SO I SHOW UP TO THE AUDITION,I'M SITTING IN THE LOBBY.

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE ANY TIMETHERE'S AN AUDITION, EVERYBODY

AT THE AUDITION--USUALLY THEY'RELOOKING FOR A SPECIFIC TYPE,

AND SO EVERYBODY THAT'S SITTINGTHERE WITH ME LOOKS JUST

LIKE ME.

EVERYBODY IN THERE'S BIG.

EVERYBODY'S SITTING THERE.

EVERYBODY'S ALL HAPPYAND JOLLY AND STUFF, AND WE'RE

ALL LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER,

LIKE, "NO, I LOOK MORE LIKE METHAN YOU DO.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ME.

NO, THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT."

"NO, THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT."

YOU KNOW?

[chuckles]SO THE RECEPTIONIST LOOKS AT ME.

SHE GOES, "MR. IGLESIAS,THEY'LL SEE YOU NOW," AND I'M

LIKE, "OKAY, COOL, HERE WE GO.

LET'S SEE HOW THIS GOES."

SO I START MENTALLY PREPARINGMYSELF FOR THE--YOU KNOW,

THE PROBLEMS THAT HAPPENIN THERE.

I WALK IN.

I DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE.

I WALK IN; THERE'S THREE PEOPLEIN THE ROOM.

I CLOSE THE DOOR, AND I JUSTLOOK OVER AT THE CASTING PERSON

WHO'S SITTING ON HER DESK,AND I--"HELLO."

AND HER, THE CAMERA PERSON,AND THE PERSON I'M READING WITH

ALL JUMPED UP AND YELLED,"FLUFFY!"

AND THEY RAN OVER TO ME,AND THEY STARTED HUGGING ME

AND PULLING OUT CAMERA PHONES.

NOW I'M TAKING PICTURESWITH THEM.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEYCALL THE RECEPTIONIST.

"JUDY, GET IN HERE."

AND GIRL COMES IN.

NOW I'M TAKING PICTURES WITHFOUR WOMEN.

WE'RE GOING BACK AND FORTH.

I'M LIKE, "THIS IS DIFFERENT."

YOU KNOW?

AND I GO, "WOW, YOU KNOW,THIS IS VERY REFRESHING.

THANK YOU."

I SAYS, "WHO AM I READINGMY PART WITH?"

AND THE CASTING PERSON SAYS,"THIS IS A FORMALITY.

THEY'VE ALWAYS WANTED YOUFOR THE PART, AND THEY SAID

IF YOU SHOWED UP, IT'S YOURS.

SO BASICALLY, WE'VE ALREADYCALLED YOUR AGENT SINCE

YOU SHOWED UP."

"REALLY?""YEAH."

"THIS IS GREAT."

SO I GET TO MY CAR.

MY AGENT IS BLOWING UPMY PHONE, RIGHT?

AND I ANSWER THE PHONE.

I GO, "HELLO?"HE'S LIKE, "DUDE.

YOU NAILED THAT AUDITION."

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M ONTHE SET OF THE MOVIE

MAGIC MIKE.

THE MOVIE IS DIRECTED BYA DIRECTOR NAMED STEVEN

SODERBERGH, WHO'S AN AMAZING,AMAZING DIRECTOR.

HE'S DONE A LOT OF GREAT FILMS.

AND OF COURSE, CHANNING TATUM'SIN THE MOVIE.

IN ADDITION TO HIM, THERE'SAN ACTOR BY THE NAME OF

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEYWHO'S ATTACHED TO THE MOVIE.

I'M A HUGE FAN OFMATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, OKAY?

WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS GONNAWORK WITH HIM, I WAS

SO EXCITED, YOU KNOW?

AND PEOPLE SAY, "REALLY?

YOU GET EXCITED?

YOU GET STARSTRUCK?"HELL, YEAH.

I'M COMEDIAN, NOT AN ACTOR.

SO I SHOW UP, AND IMMEDIATELY,THEY SEND ME TO THE MAKEUP

TRAILER THAT'S PARKED OUTSIDE.

SO I GO INSIDE THE MAKEUPTRAILER; I SIT DOWN.

THEY START WORKING ON MY HAIR.

THEY START PUTTING MAKEUPON ME, AND IN COMES

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY,AND HE SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR

NEXT TO ME, AND I STARTFREAKING OUT.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY."

[mumbles excitedly]AND NOW I DECIDE TO INTRODUCE

MYSELF BEFORE I DID OR SAIDSOMETHING STUPID, RIGHT?

SO I LOOK OVER AT HIM,AND I SAY, "EXCUSE ME,

MR. MCCONAUGHEY.

HOW YOU DOING?

MY NAME IS GABRIEL IGLESIAS.

I'M GONNA BE PLAYING THE PARTOF TOBIAS, THE CLUB DJ,

AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY HELLO,AND IT'S AN HONOR TO WORK

WITH YOU."

AND IN MY HEAD, I'M LIKE,"I HOPE HE'S THE SAME GUY.

I HOPE HE'S THE SAME PERSONFROM THE MOVIES.

I HOPE HIS VOICE IS THE SAME.

I HOPE HIS ACCENT'S THE SAME."

AND HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE SAYS,[as McConaughey] "ALL RIGHT.

THEY TAKE ME ONTO THE SET.

AND THE MAJORITY OF THE SHOTSIN THE MOVIE MAGIC MIKE ARE SHOT

INSIDE OF A STRIP CLUB, OKAY?

IT'S ON A STAGE, AND I'M VERYCOMFORTABLE UP HERE.

BUT THE COOL PART FOR ME IS,I'M ON THE SIDE OF THE STAGE

INSIDE OF A DJ BOOTH, SO IDON'T HAVE ANY WORRIES.

THE DIRECTOR COMES UP TO ME,AND HE SAYS, "LISTEN, GABE,

YOU GOT ALL YOUR SPEAKING ROLESIN THE FILM, BUT IN ADDITION

TO THAT, YOU ARE THE KEYBACKGROUND IN EVERY SHOT

WHEN IT COMES TO THE DANCERS."

HE GOES, "THE GUY ON STAGEIS THE EYE CANDY,

BUT YOU'RE THE GUY THAT PROVIDESTHE EAR CANDY, AND YOU NEED TO

EXPRESS YOURSELF AND GIVE MEENERGY.

CAN YOU DO THAT?""YES, SIR.

LET'S DO THIS."

NEXT THING I KNOW...

"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

HERE WE GO.

QUIET ON THE SET.

AND ACTION."

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE DANCING.

[imitating pulsating club music]DANCER COMES OUT.

CAMERA STARTS PANNING JUST LIKETHAT ONE, RIGHT?

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M INMY DJ BOOTH, AND I START DJ'ING

IT UP, RIGHT?

[laughs]UH. UH. UH.

"CUT!"THE DIRECTOR COMES OUT FROM

BEHIND THE CAMERA, CROSSES THESTAGE, AND GETS IN MY FACE.

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

GIVE ME MORE."

I'M LIKE, "OKAY."

"EVERYBODY, HERE WE GO.

QUIET ON THE SET.

AND ACTION."

[imitating pulsating club music]AND I TAKE OFF.

[imitating pulsating club music]AND I TAKE OFF.

THE MOVIE COMES OUT.

I ATTEND THE SCREENING OF THEFILM WITH MY GIRLFRIEND

AT WARNER BROS. STUDIOS.

WE'RE SITTING THERE, AND WE'REWAITING FOR THAT PART TO COME

UP, AND I TELL HER, "BABY,IT'S COMING.

IT'S COMING.

WATCH."

SURE ENOUGH, THE CAMERA STARTSPANNING, AND YOU SEE THE DANCER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HIS HEAD.

ALL YOU SEE IS HIS BODY ALLFREAKING RIPPED AND MOVING.

AND IN THE BACKGROUND, IN THEDJ BOOTH, YOU CANNOT SEE

ANY OF THE DJ EQUIPMENTBECAUSE IT'S ALL BELOW THE LINE

OF THE CAMERA.

ALL YOU SEE IN THE BACKGROUNDIS SOME CHUBBY PERVERT IN A BOX

HAVING THE TIME OF HIS LIFE.

AND MY GIRLFRIEND'S LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE GAY."

"I GUESS SO."

>> THERE WAS A COUPLE OF OTHERTHINGS THAT HAPPENED IN

THIS MOVIE THAT I GOT TO SHARE'CAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GONNA HEAR

ABOUT THEM IN A DVDBONUS FEATURE.

ONE OF THE CHARACTERS INTHE MOVIE, HIS NAME IN THE MOVIE

IS BIG [bleep] RICHIE.

I'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT.

HE'S PLAYED BY AN ACTORNAMED JOE.

JOE'S A COOL GUY.

COOL GUY.

I MET HIM AT--YOU KNOW?

WE BECAME BUDDIES AFTERTHE MOVIE, AND--NICE GUY.

HE'S BIG.

HE'S RIPPED, OKAY?

AND HIS WHOLE THING IS,HE COMES OUT ON STAGE, AND

HE'S DANCING BEHINDA SILHOUETTE, SO ALL YOU SEE

IS THE SHADOW OF HIM DANCINGFOR THREE MINUTES, AND AFTER

THE THIRD MINUTE, HE GRABSHIS G-STRING, AND THIS IS HOW

HE FINISHES HIS PERFORMANCE.

HE TEARS IT OFF, EXPOSINGA SHADOW OF, YOU KNOW--

[deep growling]NOW, IN REAL LIFE, JOE DOES

NOT POSSESS--[deep growling]

IT'S MORE LIKE, YOU KNOW--[imitates cat meow]

DON'T LAUGH TOO HARD.

THAT'S MOST OF US, OKAY?

NOW, BECAUSE THEY NEEDED TO MAKETHIS SCENE HAPPEN AND WE'RE

SHOOTING IT IN HOLLYWOOD,THEY MADE A PHONE CALL TO

AN ADULT FILM COMPANYTHAT WAS UP THE STREET,

AND THEY GOT A HOLD OF THEIRPROPS DEPARTMENT, AND THEY SAID,

BASICALLY, YOU KNOW, "WHAT WENEED IS ABOUT 45 IMPRESSIVE

MALE RUBBER PARTS TO BE BROUGHTDOWN TO THE SET OF THE MOVIE

MAGIC MIKE SO WE CAN ATTACHONE OF THEM TO AN ACTOR

FOR A SCENE."

IT TOOK MAYBE 30 MINUTESFOR SOME GUY TO SHOW UP WITH

A BIG TRUNK ON THE SET,AND YOU COULD JUST TELL HE DID

NOT BELONG, YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

HE JUST--[panting and laughing creepily]

AND CHANNING TATUM SAW HIM,AND HE GOES, "ARE YOU THE GUY?"

[hoarsely] "I'M THE GUY."

AND HE BROUGHT HIM INSIDETHE HOUSE, AND HE GOT ALL

THE ACTORS AROUND THE KITCHENTABLE, AND HE TOLD THE GUY.

HE SAYS, "LISTEN, BRO,DUMP IT OUT RIGHT HERE.

ALL OF IT."

AND THE GUY OPENS UP THE TRUNK,AND HE DUMPS OUT ALL OF THESE

BIG FREAKIN'--YOU KNOW,IT MADE A MOUNTAIN.

AND ALL THE ACTORS, WE'RE JUSTSTANDING THERE, JUST STARING

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE 12-YEAR-OLD

CAME OUT OF ALL OF US, 'CAUSEWE ALL GRABBED ONE AND STARTED

PLAYING STAR WARS, JUST--[imitates lightsaber zapping]

[as Yoda] "MM, BEND OVER,YOU WILL."

ANOTHER THINK I GOT TO SHARE

ABOUT THIS EXPERIENCE, DOING

THE MOVIE MAGIC MIKE, IS THAT

WE SHOT IT IN TWO LOCATIONS.

WE SHOT IT IN HOLLYWOOD, AND WE

SHOT IT IN--

NO, NO, NOT ORLANDO--

TAMPA, FLORIDA.

AND ONE OF THE SCENES WAS SHOT

ON A SANDBAR, WHICH, MOST YOU

KNOW ALREADY, IS A LITTLE, TINY

ISLAND WITH NOTHING ON IT.

IT'S REAL SMALL, AND PEOPLE GO

THERE, AND THEY PARTY.

SO WE GOT TO THIS LITTLE ISLAND,

AND THIS GUY WITH THE

HEADPHONES, HIS TITLE IS P.A.,

PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO

THE DIRECTOR, AND HE COMES OVER,

AND HE TELL US, "LISTEN, GUYS,

WE'RE GONNA BE HERE FOR

A COUPLE OF HOURS.

IF YOU NEED TO USE

THE FACILITIES, THESE ARE

YOUR OPTIONS.

THERE'S NO PLUMBING HERE.

YOU CAN EITHER GO IN THE WATER,

OR YOU CAN GO TO THOSE BUSHES

OVER THERE.

IT'S UP TO YOU."

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M FINE.

I ALREADY WENT.

TWO HOURS, NO PROBLEM."

FOUR HOURS LATER.

[deep gurgling]

[imitates squeaky fart]

"WHAT DO YOU NEED?"

"LISTEN, BRO, YOU GUYS SAID

WE WERE ONLY GONNA BE HERE

FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS.

IT'S GOING ON FIVE.

MY STOMACH IS KILLING ME.

WHAT'S THE STORY?"

"WE'RE GONNA BE HERE FOR, LIKE,

ANOTHER THREE.

THE DIRECTOR HAS SOME

MORE SHOTS."

[groans]

"YOU HAVE YOUR OPTIONS."

"THANKS."

SO THE FIRST THING I LOOK AT

IS THE WATER, OKAY?

AND TO PUT IT INTO PERSPECTIVE

FOR YOU GUYS, THE WATER'S, LIKE,

RIGHT THERE, OKAY, AND ALL

THE ACTORS ARE, LIKE, LIKE,

RIGHT THERE, OKAY?

SO I WAS LIKE, "ARE YOU

KIDDING ME?

I'M NOT GONNA GO POP A SQUAT

IN THE WATER IN FRONT OF

ALL THOSE ACTORS JUST SO

SOMEBODY CAN WALK BY AND GO,

'FLUFFY'S KILLING FISHES.'"

NO.

SO I TAKE A STROLL OUT TO

THE BUSHES, RIGHT?

SO I START WALKING OUT TO

THE BUSHES.

MY STOMACH IS KILLING ME,

AND FORTUNATELY BY THE TIME

I GOT THERE, MY STOMACH

HAD SETTLED, SO I NO LONGER

HAD TO GO NUMBER TWO, BUT SINCE

I WAS THERE, YOU KNOW--

[chuckles]

GONNA MAKE IT RAIN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO I'M IN THE BUSHES, AND I'M

DOING MY THING, AND ALL OF

A SUDDEN, I START HEARING

NOISES, JUST--

[imitates leaves rustling]

AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN JUST

FEEL WHEN SOMEBODY'S STANDING,

LIKE, RIGHT NEXT TO YOU?

AND I COULDN'T TURN AROUND

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I WAS

DOING MY THING.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SEE A SHADOW,

A LONG SHADOW,

AND IT'S COMING IN MY DIRECTION.

AND I SEE THAT, AND I'M LIKE,

"HA, HA, FUNNY, JOE.

THAT'S FUNNY."

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THAT SHADOW

STARTED TO PEE, AND I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, IT'S REAL."

NOW CURIOSITY HAS ME.

I GOT TO FIND OUT WHO THE HELL

THE OWNER OF--

[deep growling]

SO REALLY QUICK, I'M JUST LIKE,

YOU KNOW--

[laughing] "OH, MY GOD."

[as McConaughey] "ALL RIGHT."