James Adomian, Jessi Klein, Pete Holmes

  • Season 4, Ep 3
  • 08/09/2013

James Adomian suspects that gay villains know how to party, Jessi Klein finds some sexual requests disconcerting, and Pete Holmes meets a cheerful airport employee.

as an empire, to thinkabout your legacy.

Every great empirehas a legacy.

The Egyptianshas the pyramids.

Rome had the Coliseum.

We in Britain had the MagnaCarta and the ability

to do this.

Yeah.

That-- Yeah, thatjust happened.

You just saw that ha-- Ijust put that in your face.

But it's tough, isn't it?

It's tough to pin downwhen it's subjective.

You know, when was that momentthat America became the most

American America itcould possibly be.

I thought you'd perfected itlast year when that guy went

up to the edge of space in aballoon and then jumped down

for no visiblereason whatsoever.

That was everything I loveabout this country.

You know, it wasincredibly brave

and it was completelypointless.

Everything I love aboutAmerica in one completely

meaningless gesture.

And then I was devastated tofind out he wasn't American.

He was Austrian.

I know.

Austrian.

And, by the way, nice try,Austria, but you're still most

famous for Hitler.

Nice try.

Nice try.

But it's going to take a lotmore than a guy going up in a

balloon to space andjumping down

to make us forget thatlittle [beep] .

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Hitler was terrible.

Hey, guys!

I just want to come outand let you know I'm gay.

I'm a gay person.

I go straight to gay.

That's the way I do it.

I always tell people that,because I don't necessarily

scan gay to everybody, like ina supermarket checkout sense.

Like, beep.

Gay.

Beep, gay.

And then it gets to me andit's like, Oh, we've got to

manually key this one in.

There are, like, adversitiesthat we face as gay people.

There's negative perceptions,

the media, and probably theworst one of those is the

archetype of the gay villain,which you see everywhere.

You see a gay villain in a lotof cartoons, a lot of movies.

It usually involves someonewith a thin moustache that

says, "Hmm, facial grooming.

Something must be afoul."

But they-- They have tohint at it like that.

They can't just come outand be like,

"Hey, the bad guy's the [BLEEP].

Watch out, you'll thank me."

It's not always just badguys, either.

Sometimes they're girlcharacters that's a gay

villain, because it'simportant to make gay girls

feel bad aboutthemselves too, right?

That's why we have "The LittleMermaid" and the main bad guy,

Ursula, the Sea Witch!

"I'm a big [BLEEP]with a butch haircut!"

[CACKLES]

What's the problem?

"I got black lipstick and a[BLEEP] with tentacles coming

out of it."

[CACKLES]

"Stay away!"

And I'm like, no.

Every time I've ever met awoman like that in my real

life, she's been awesome.

That's the woman thatgoes, "You know what?

The bar is closed, but I tellyou what: lock the doors.

One round on me."

[CACKLES]

"I got eight tentaclesand eight beer taps.

We're all getting[BLEEP] up tonight.

If you don't lose your voicepartying with me, you're doing

it wrong, because I'mdrinking all night."

All I'm saying is if you knowa gay villain, go to them.

They're probablyworth a good party.

But you would never know thatif you saw the last James Bond

movie, "Skyfall," that cameout last year, because

Javier Bardem plays the mostobvious gay villain of all time.

He enters the moviewearing a white

linen suit with an ascot, and

he's like, "Sachet,sachet, sachet.

Isn't terrorismfabulous, Mr. Bond?

Well, well, well.

Look at you, James Bond.

So weak here in my hackerdungeon, hacking and licking

and leaking and hacking.

I'm an evil, gay hacker.

Yes, because if there'ssomething scarier than

WikiLeaks, it's gay WikiLeaks.

Look, my teeth come out.

Are you ready for somefiendish fun, Mr. Bond?

Or maybe it's my turn.

Double over, 007."

Why does that-- Whyis he the bad guy?

No.

Remember the big gayterrorist attack?

No, that never happened.

You remember the war,where all those

gay people killed thosepeople?

Nope, that was straightpeople.

Sorry.

-I'm sure some of you guyswill be hookin' up later.

It does feel tome like nowadays,

like, men'sexpectations of women

sexually are, like, way tooinformed by, like, porn they've

seen on the Internetit seems like.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, it's just alwaysa bummer to, like,

have been out with a guy abunch of times, who seems, like,

really sweet andreally nice, and then

you have that, like, it's like,that date where you're in bed

together for the very firsttime, and all of a sudden,

he's like, (AGGRESSIVEMALE VOICE)

"Put your legs inyour butt-hole."

[audience laughter]

-And you're like, rightnow, with my glasses on?

Um, both of my legs?

OK, just gimme a sec.

You know, it's just,it's just disconcerting.

[audience laughter]

-I will just say as a sidenote, when I first came up

with that idea and I wasjust, like, writing it down,

and then I was trying tothink of, like, a porn-y thing

that a guy wouldask a girl to do,

and I kind of blanked,and I just wrote,

"Put your legs inyour butt-hole."

And I'm like, That'sa placeholder.

That will totally change.

But then, as soon as I didit on stage, I was like, "No,

that's right."

Because I can always see thatevery guy in the audience

is like, "Put Your Legs in YourButthole, I've seen that one.

That's one of my favorite ones."

[audience laughter]

I'm feeling good.I'm feeling very, very good.

I'm already in a good mood.

I think it's weird the thingsthat'll put you in a really

good mood, because I, uh, Iflew here, and I went through

airport security.

And I, uh, I don'tknow about you guys.

I actually know solittle about you guys.

But when I travel, I lovewearing a T-shirt

that I don't care about.

I don't know why-- I think it'sbecause I get sweaty.

I'm a little embarrassed toadmit this, but when I fly,

I get sweaty.

It's humiliating.

I get off the plane, peopleare like, "You been jogging?"

Pit stains.

I'm like, "No.

I've been sittingstill in the sky.

Got any water?"

So I always wear a shirtI don't care about.

Now, I've been giventhis shirt twice.

It's a shirt that says,

"Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham."

You're right to laugh at that.

Twice, as a gift, from twodifferent parties.

The first time I was like,Well, they've misread

my personality.

The second time it was likethe universe was like,

"Put the [BLEEP] shirt on."

So I wear itsometimes when I fly.

And I'm wearing this shirt

going through airport security.

And I don't want to say-- Idon't want to be too edgy here

tonight, but the TSA canbe filled with

a bunch of grumpies.

I know a lot of you came for mydivisive bad-boy humor.

And here it is.

I'm leaning on a lamppostflicking a nickel,

lighting a match on my neck.

Just like, "Yeah,full of grumpies."

Not always.

Every once in a while you getthe one guy that loves being

at the TSA.

It's like an old guy.

He's moonwalkingaround, wanding people.

Everything's coming up Gary!

Like, [BLEEP] Gary, he'sgetting cancer from everything

around him.

He's like zippety-do-dah.

I love a Gary.

And I got a Gary.

So I'm wearing this shirt.

I forgot that I'mwearing this shirt.

I go through the machine, it'searly in the morning.

And just all I hear fromoutside-- This is what put me

in a good mood for,like, two days.

I hear this woman in the TSAgo, "What you know about green

eggs and ham?"

Two days I've beenin a good mood.

I was like, "What?"

"What you know-- What-- Whatyou know about

green eggs and ham?"

I forgot I was wearing theshirt. I was like,

"What-- Is this a terroristquestion?

Are those code names?

Are you hitting on me?

What does this mean?"

"What you know aboutgreen eggs and ham?"

Which is weird, because shewas Korean, and--

I'm just kidding.

She was a sassy black woman,just like you cast her in your

minds, you racists.

You did a perfectjob, you racists.

"What you know about--" Itgets deafer

every time I do it.

"Green eggs and ham!"

That's all it took toput me in a

wonderful, wonderful mood.

"What you-- Whatyou know about--"

She'll never know how deeply

-I've had- I've had sex.

[applause]

-What an odd job.

Thank you.

Good night.

How did he close?

He just told us he had had sex,and he walked off the stage.

[audience laughter]

I have had sex.

It's wonderful.

You should give ita whirl (CHUCKLES).

I always use a condom, exceptwhen you start seeing somebody.

It's one of the funniestthings about being an adult,

is the conversationyou have with somebody

once you becomeexclusive, as to whether

or not going tocontinue using condoms.

Because, if you'relike me, you never

do it, like,responsibly, over brunch.

It's a hard thing to bring up,just like (SERIOUS VOICE), "So,

what do you think aboutour overall strategy?"

If you're anything likeme, it's not like that.

You wait until the last second.

You're already wearing a condom.

You're about to have sex again,and then the girl's very vague.

She's like, "You know, eh,I mean, eh, it's fine."

I [bleep] Bobcat Goldthwait.

That's what that is.

I can't get hard if youweren't in Police Academy.

It's a weird thing.

Or lie about beingin Police Academy.

It's a weird thing about me.

It's always that, andI always act like it's

the furth- the furthestthing from my mind.

I'm like (DUMB VOICE),"Oh, these come off?

There's another way?"

[audience laughter]

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