East/West Bowl 2

  • 12/11/2013

The players in the 2013 East/West Bowl introduce themselves, a suspect landlord searches a tenant's apartment, and Metta World Peace explores his physical limitations.

[rhythmic bass beat,sensual moans]

♪ ♪

- LATRELL?

- WHAT'S UP, BABY GIRL?

- CAN YOU PLEASE TURNTHAT OFF?

- WHY, YOU DON'T LIKE MY MUSIC?- IS IT MUSIC?

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCHOF SEX NOISES

OVER A BASS LINE.

- OH.

I GET IT.

YOU DON'T LIKE MY MUSIC'CAUSE I'M GAY.

YOU CAN'T HANDLEA GAY MAN'S MUSIC.

- NO, NO, NO.

IT'S--I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE,

AND THAT MUSICIS WEIRDLY SEXUAL.

- OH, I SEE.

SO MY SEXUALITY IS WEIRD.

YOU JUST CAN'T FATHOM A MANBEING ATTRACTED

TO ANOTHER MAN.

- I CAN FATHOM IT.IT'S--

CAN YOU JUST PLEASE LISTENTO SOME OTHER GAY MUSIC,

LIKE BARBRA STREISANDOR SOMETHING--

- OH, I SEE, I SEE.OKAY.

SO LISTENINGTO BARBRA STREISAND IS GAY.

STEREOTYPE MUCH?

[keys clacking]

SO YOU SEEINGANYBODY LATELY?

- YEAH, I-I MEAN, KIND OF.

I THINK--

- 'CAUSE I GOT IT GOODLAST NIGHT.

OH, IT WAS LIKE, DAMN!I MEAN, MY MAN WAS LIKE, BLOP!

LIKE, HE HAD A BABY ARM HOLDINGON TO A APPLE.

- AW, DON'T CALL ITA BABY ARM.

- AW.

I SEE.

SO YOU CAN'T HANDLE HEARINGABOUT HOW I'M GAY.

I'M SORRY.

- YOU JUST REFERREDTO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PENIS

AS A BABY'S ARMHOLDING AN APPLE.

- WELL, THAT'S WHATIT LOOKED LIKE.

AND IT'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND,BY THE WAY.

AND "ANYWHATS,"YOU'RE HOMOPHOBIC.

- NO, NO, NO.THAT'S NOT HOMOPHOBIC, OKAY?

YOU'RE EXPLICITLY TALKINGABOUT SEXUAL THINGS

IN THE WORKPLACE.

- FINE.

THERE'S PLENTY OF STUFFTHAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, UH, MY PENIS CUP,

MY SCROTUM COZIES THAT I HAVEBEEN KNITTING RECENTLY--

OH, WITH THESE KNITTING NEEDLESTHAT I HAVE JUST NOTICED

LOOK LIKE LITTLE, SKINNY,PURPLE PENISES,

ET CETERA AND ET CETERA.

- OH, MY GOD.

- CAN I SHOW YOU A PICTURE,

AND THEN YOU TELL MEIF IT'S GOOD FOR FACEBOOK?

- OKAY, I'M FAIRLY CERTAINYOU'RE GOING TO SHOW ME

SOMETHING OVERTLY SEXUAL.

- DON'T YOU PREJUDGE ME!HERE IT IS.

- AGH! [bleep]!

THAT'S A CLOSE-UPOF AN ANUS.

- OH, NO, THAT'S NOT AN ANUS.

THAT'S MY ANUS, BABY GIRL.

- THAT'S DISGUSTING.- OH, I SEE.

SO YOU DON'T WANT TO SEEA CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF MY ANUS

'CAUSE YOU HATE GUY MEN.

- NO.

I DON'T WANT TO LOOKAT A CLOSE-UP PICTURE

OF ANYONE'S ANUS.

- HOMOPHOBE.

HOMOPHOBE.THERE'S A HOMOPHOBE RIGHT HERE.

HO--[blows whistle]

HOMOPHOBE ALERT!

[high-pitched voice]HOMOPHOBE!

[imitating siren wailing]

- HEY.

- HEY, BABY.HOW'S IT GOING?

- GOOD.READY TO GO TO LUNCH?

- YEAH.

UH, LATRELL, THIS IS GAVIN.

GAVIN, THIS IS LATRELL.THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- I'M--I'M--I'M DOING VERY WELL.

HOW--HOW ARE YOU DOING,GAVIN--GAVIN?

- GREAT. WANT TO GO?- YEAH.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NO, TRUST ME.IT'S NOT.

- NO?- THAT'S THE GUY.

- OH.

- OH...I GET IT.

I'M NOT PERSECUTED.I'M JUST A ASSHOLE.

AH.

- THAT'S TRUE.

[pounding at door]

- IT'S YOUR LANDLORD![pounding continues]

- HEY, DEVON.

- HEY, HOW YOU DOING, BROTHER?

HOW YOU DOING?YEAH.

JUST, UH, STOPPING BY.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK UPON EVERYTHING.

- OKAY.- YEAH--AHA!

YOU IN HERE,YOU LITTLE MOTHER[bleep]?

NOPE.

CLOSET LOOK GOOD.

DOOR IS STRONG.

SO Y'ALL SETTLING IN?- YEAH.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING HEREA YEAR AND A HALF, SO WE HAVE.

- SO, UH, HOW ARE THESECUPBOARDS WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

MAN, NOBODY IN HERE...

BESIDES YOUR STUFF,WHICH LOOKS GOOD.

- THANK YOU.

- COMPLETELY UNRELATED--

HAVE Y'ALL SEEN A 4'11" DUDEWITH A PURPLE BEARD UP IN HERE?

- NO. NO.

NO, NO ONE'S IN HERE...

PROBABLY BECAUSE WE LOCKTHE DOOR.

- OH, HE GOT THE BODYLIKE A RAT.

HE CAN JUST SQUEEZETHROUGH THE VENTS.

- YEAH.

SO YOU THINK SOMEBODY'S HIDINGIN MY APARTMENT?

- NO.

I TOLD YOU--

IT'S JUST A SOCIAL CALL.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD GERALD BEIN HERE, ANYWAY?

- GERALD.

THERE IS A MANWITH A PURPLE BEARD

NAMED GERALD IN MY APARTMENT?

- HELL, NO!

WHY?DID YOU SEE HIM?

HE ABOUT 4'9",GOT A PURPLE BEARD.

- YEAH.

- HEY, BABY--- [screams maniacally]

- [screams]- UGH!

THIS IS--AGH!

[grunts]

OH.[laughs]

HEY, BABY GIRL.

YOU AIN'T GERALD.[snickers]

OH, BY THE BY, HAVE YOU SEENA 4'5" PURPLE BEARD?

- BABY...

- DEVON, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OKAY, YOU KNOW,I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH ALL Y'ALL.

THERE IS A 4'3" [bleep]WITH A PURPLE BEARD NAMED GERALD

SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

- WHY DOES HE KEEP GETTINGSMALLER

EVERY TIME YOU MENTION HIM?

- SERIOUSLY?

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANTTO ALARM Y'ALL.

HE IS DISTURBINGLY SMALL,REALLY.

HE A GOOD GUY.

HE SMOKE ROCK, THOUGH.

I MEAN, HE'LL DO ANYTHINGTO GET MONEY FOR CRACK.

ANYTHING.

- OKAY.

- I MEAN ANYTHING.

- I GET IT.

- HE WILL MURDER YOU.

- WELL, WE CERTAINLY HOPEYOU FIND HIM.

- OH, I'M GONNA FIND HIM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA LOOK LOW,

AND THENI'M GONNA LOOK HIGH.

[grunting]

- [screams]

[both screaming]

- GERALD,YOU TINY LITTLE BITCH!

SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE,Y'ALL.

GERALD, WHEN I GET MY HANDSON YOU, YOU GONNA BE 2'3"!

Loading...