East/West Bowl 2

  • Season 3, Ep 12
  • 12/11/2013

The players in the 2013 East/West Bowl introduce themselves, a suspect landlord searches a tenant's apartment, and Metta World Peace explores his physical limitations.

- OKAY, THAT'S THE LEASTOF MY WORRIES

IN EPISODES I, II, AND III,BY THE WAY.

- OH, YOU'RE TALKINGABOUT GEORGE LUCAS

AND HOW HE'S BEEN COMPLETELYSEDUCED BY C.G.I.

OH, SHIT!

- PAINT?- THIS IS A NEW SHIRT.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?- DAMN!

- DAMN.- OH, GOD--

- THAT SUCKS.- THIS IS SO--

LOOK AT THIS.

[chuckles]

IT'S LIKE I GOTTWO LITTLE PAINT TITTIES

ON MY SHIRT NOW.

[chuckles]

[dubstep music]

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

- HMM?

WHAT?

- DUDE, MY EYES ARE UP HERE.

- YEAH.

EYES.

- WHA--[music stops suddenly]

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S PAINT.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- COME ON, WE'VE HAD A GOOD TIMETODAY, HAVEN'T WE?

YOU KNOW?WE HUNG OUT THE WHOLE DAY.

- IT'S PAINT!

PAINT!IT COMES OFF. SEE?

SEE HOW THAT COMES OFF, HUH?- YEAH.

YEAH. YES.

- OH, DUDE, STOP IT.JUST STOP IT.

- YOU WANT ME TO STOP IT,

THEN STOP LICKINGYOUR LITTLE TITTIES.

- THEY'RE NOT REAL TITTIES.

- WHAT?- OH--

- [groans]

- REALLY? TWICE?- UNBELIEVABLE.

- HELLO, LADIES.

[dubstep music]

YEAH.

[soul music]

- I'M DAVE SASSONALONGSIDE JEFF WORTHING,

AND WELCOME TO THE 2013EAST/WEST BOWL,

WHERE WE'RE GOINGTO BE WATCHING

SOME OF THE BEST COLLEGEATHLETES IN THE NATION

TRY TO PUT LAST YEAR'SSPECTACLE TO SHAME.

- THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE.

IT WON'T BE EASY,

BUT THIS YEAR'S SENIORSCERTAINLY WILL BE TRYING

TO GIVE LAST YEAR'S STARSA RUN FOR THEIR MONEY.

LET'S CHECK OUT THE TEAMS,

STARTING WITH THE PLAYERSFROM THE EAST.

[energetic rock music]

- COZNESSTER SMIFF,RUTGERS UNIVERSITY.

- ELIPSES CORTER,UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA.

- NYQUILLUS DILLWAD, L.S.U.

- BISMO FUNYUNS,FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY.

- DECATHOLAC MANGO,GEORGIA TECH UNIVERSITY.

- MERGATROID SKITTLE,UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE.

- QUIZNATODD BIDNESS,UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE.

- D'PEZ POOPSIE, OLE MISS.

- QUACKADILLY BLIP,AUBURN UNIVERSITY.

- GOOLIUS BOOZLER, THE "U."

- BISQUITEEN TRISKET,UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.

- FARTRELL CLUGGINS,UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS.

- BLYRONE BLASHINTON,SYRACUSE.

- CARTOONS PLURAL,VIRGINIA TECH.

- JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE,

THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY.

- FUDGE.

- SOME OF THE BIG STORIESTHIS YEAR--

THE METEORIC RISEOF D'PEZ POOPSIE,

AND LET'S NOT FORGETABOUT HEISMAN WINNER

JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE.

- AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T TALKABOUT 2013

WITHOUT BRINGING UP FUDGE.

EVERYBODY'S TALKINGABOUT FUDGE.

AT 350 POUNDS,THIS RUNNING BACK

IS ALMOST UNSTOPPABLETHE WHOLE YEAR.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. I COULD TALKABOUT FUDGE ALL DAY.

BUT FIRST, LET'S MEETTHE PLAYERS FROM THE WEST.

[energetic rock music]

- EQUINE DUCKLINGS,INDIANA UNIVERSITY,

PURDUE UNIVERSITY,INDIANAPOLIS.

- DAHISTORIUS LAMYSTORIUS,UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY.

- EWOKONIAD SIGOURNETHJUNIORSTEIN,

OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY.

- EQQSQUIZITINEBUBLE-SCHWINSLOW,

UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA.

- HUKA'LAKANAKAHAKANAKAHCCKALUCKA'HUKAHAKAFAKA,

UNIVERSITY OF HAWAII.

- KING PRINCE CHAMBERMAID,BAYLOR UNIVERSITY.

- LADENNIFER JADANISTON,UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO.

- LADADADALADADADADADADALA-DADALADALADALADA,

UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA.

- HARVARD UNIVERSITY,

DEVRY UNIVERSITY.

- [imitating rapid beeping]

ARMY/NAVY SURPLUS STORE.

- WINGDINGS, ONLINE CLASSES.

- [distorted voice]FIRSTNAME LASTNAME,

COLLEGE UNIVERSITY.

- GOD,HOMESCHOOL.

- SQUEEEEEEEEEPS,SANTA MONICA COLLEGE.

- [British accent]BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH,

OXFORD UNIVERSITY.

- A.A. RON BALAKAY,MOREHOUSE COLLEGE.

[rhythmic bass beat,sensual moans]

- LATRELL?

- WHAT'S UP, BABY GIRL?

- CAN YOU PLEASE TURNTHAT OFF?

- WHY, YOU DON'T LIKE MY MUSIC?- IS IT MUSIC?

BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCHOF SEX NOISES

OVER A BASS LINE.

- OH.

I GET IT.

YOU DON'T LIKE MY MUSIC'CAUSE I'M GAY.

YOU CAN'T HANDLEA GAY MAN'S MUSIC.

- NO, NO, NO.

IT'S--I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE,

AND THAT MUSICIS WEIRDLY SEXUAL.

- OH, I SEE.

SO MY SEXUALITY IS WEIRD.

YOU JUST CAN'T FATHOM A MANBEING ATTRACTED

TO ANOTHER MAN.

- I CAN FATHOM IT.IT'S--

CAN YOU JUST PLEASE LISTENTO SOME OTHER GAY MUSIC,

LIKE BARBRA STREISANDOR SOMETHING--

- OH, I SEE, I SEE.OKAY.

SO LISTENINGTO BARBRA STREISAND IS GAY.

STEREOTYPE MUCH?

[keys clacking]

SO YOU SEEINGANYBODY LATELY?

- YEAH, I-I MEAN, KIND OF.

I THINK--

- 'CAUSE I GOT IT GOODLAST NIGHT.

OH, IT WAS LIKE, DAMN!I MEAN, MY MAN WAS LIKE, BLOP!

LIKE, HE HAD A BABY ARM HOLDINGON TO A APPLE.

- AW, DON'T CALL ITA BABY ARM.

- AW.

I SEE.

SO YOU CAN'T HANDLE HEARINGABOUT HOW I'M GAY.

I'M SORRY.

- YOU JUST REFERREDTO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PENIS

AS A BABY'S ARMHOLDING AN APPLE.

- WELL, THAT'S WHATIT LOOKED LIKE.

AND IT'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND,BY THE WAY.

AND "ANYWHATS,"YOU'RE HOMOPHOBIC.

- NO, NO, NO.THAT'S NOT HOMOPHOBIC, OKAY?

YOU'RE EXPLICITLY TALKINGABOUT SEXUAL THINGS

IN THE WORKPLACE.

- FINE.

THERE'S PLENTY OF STUFFTHAT WE CAN TALK ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, UH, MY PENIS CUP,

MY SCROTUM COZIES THAT I HAVEBEEN KNITTING RECENTLY--

OH, WITH THESE KNITTING NEEDLESTHAT I HAVE JUST NOTICED

LOOK LIKE LITTLE, SKINNY,PURPLE PENISES,

ET CETERA AND ET CETERA.

- OH, MY GOD.

- CAN I SHOW YOU A PICTURE,

AND THEN YOU TELL MEIF IT'S GOOD FOR FACEBOOK?

- OKAY, I'M FAIRLY CERTAINYOU'RE GOING TO SHOW ME

SOMETHING OVERTLY SEXUAL.

- DON'T YOU PREJUDGE ME!HERE IT IS.

- AGH! [bleep]!

THAT'S A CLOSE-UPOF AN ANUS.

- OH, NO, THAT'S NOT AN ANUS.

THAT'S MY ANUS, BABY GIRL.

- THAT'S DISGUSTING.- OH, I SEE.

SO YOU DON'T WANT TO SEEA CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF MY ANUS

'CAUSE YOU HATE GUY MEN.

- NO.

I DON'T WANT TO LOOKAT A CLOSE-UP PICTURE

OF ANYONE'S ANUS.

- HOMOPHOBE.

HOMOPHOBE.THERE'S A HOMOPHOBE RIGHT HERE.

HO--[blows whistle]

HOMOPHOBE ALERT!

[high-pitched voice]HOMOPHOBE!

[imitating siren wailing]

- HEY.

- HEY, BABY.HOW'S IT GOING?

- GOOD.READY TO GO TO LUNCH?

- YEAH.

UH, LATRELL, THIS IS GAVIN.

GAVIN, THIS IS LATRELL.THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- I'M--I'M--I'M DOING VERY WELL.

HOW--HOW ARE YOU DOING,GAVIN--GAVIN?

- GREAT. WANT TO GO?- YEAH.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NO, TRUST ME.IT'S NOT.

- NO?- THAT'S THE GUY.

- OH.

- OH...I GET IT.

I'M NOT PERSECUTED.I'M JUST A ASSHOLE.

AH.

[news fanfare]

- NICKLESBY REPORTING LIVEFROM A GRUESOME SCENE.

A KNOWN AS Q.E.T.,OR QUEST FOR ETERNAL TRUTH,

HAS APPARENTLY TAKEN THEIROWN LIVES IN A MASS SUICIDE.

POLICE CONFIRM THATCYANIDE-LACED CHERRY KOOL-AID

WAS ALSO ON THE PREMISES.

EXCUSE ME. HI. NICKLESBY, CHANNEL 6.

HI. ARE YOU TWOFROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD?

- YES.- NO.

- NO.- YES.

[both speaking gibberish]

- OKAY, WERE YOU TWO MEMBERSOF THE THAT LIVED HERE?

- THE CUL--WHAT ?

- WHAT?- WAS THIS A RIGHT HERE?

- ?- I HAD NO IDEA THIS WAS A .

- NO WAY.- A ?

- ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY,

THE TERM CULT IS A LITTLE JUDGMENTAL.

- I WOULD SAYTHE SAME THING, YEAH.

- NOT KNOWING THE FULL DOCTRINE.- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

- WELL, APPARENTLY,THEY BELIEVED THAT THERE WAS

A SPACESHIP WAITING FOR THEMBEHIND THE MOON.

- OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW,THAT STILL IS REALLY POSSIBLE.

- NOT COMPLETELY CRAZY.- IT'S POSSIBLE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS WHAT ISOUT THERE IN THE UNIVERSE?

- ANYTHING COULD BEBEHIND THE MOON.

- OKAY, WELL, IT APPEARSTHEY KILLED THEMSELVES

IN ORDER TO BOARD THE SHIP.

- RIGHT, AND THAT'S WHEREWE DISAGREED WITH THEM,

RIGHT THERE,OR WOULD HAVE--

WE WOULD HAVE DISAGREEDWITH THEM

HAD WE BEEN THEREON OUR DEPARTURE DAY--

THEIR DEPARTURE DAY.THEIR DEPARTURE DAY!

- YEAH.- WHICH IS THE DAY

THAT THEY DID THIS.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOUCOULD CALL IT,

IF YOU WANTED TO--I AIN'T IN NO .

- NO, I MEAN, WHAT I ALWAYSWONDERED IS HOW--

OR AM STARTING TO WONDER,

SINCE YOU BROUGHT THISTO OUR ATTENTION--

WHY--IF THERE WAS A SPACESHIPIN THE SKY,

WHY WOULDN'T IT JUSTBEAM US UP--BEAM THEM UP?

- RIGHT, JUST BEAM 'EM--JUST BEAM THEM UP.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUSTBEAM THEM UP ALIVE?

WHY YOU GOT TO BE DEADTO GET BEAMED UP?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'VE BEEN SAYING THATFOR WEEKS--SECONDS.

FOR SECONDS, 'CAUSE--BECAUSE YOU, NICKLESBY,

YOU TOLD US THAT,YOU KNOW,

AND THAT'S HOW I KNEW,BECAUSE--

- 15 SECONDS AGO.- 15 SECONDS AGO, YOU SAID IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ITUNTIL YOU SAID IT,

'CAUSE I AIN'T IN NO .

- OKAY, THEN WHY WOULD SOMEONEJOIN A ?

- COMPELLING LEADERSHIP.- CHARISMATIC LEADER.

- [stammering]LIKE, A COMPELLING--

- TACO TUESDAYS.- A PERSON--

- TACO TUESDAYS.- TACO TUESDAYS.

- I MEAN, HYPOTHETICALLY,

THEY COULD HAVE HAD TACOSON TUESDAY,

WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN A DRAW.

I MEAN, THAT WOULD HAVE BEENA PLUS.

- OKAY, SO THIS ISA TRAGIC DAY

FOR THIS COMMUNITY

AND FOR THE MEMBERSOF THE QUEST FOR EARTHLY TRUTH.

I'M NICKLESBY REPORTING--

WHOA.

- YOU SEE?- YEP.

- YOU SEE?- UH-HUH.

EVERYBODY JUMPED THE GUN.- [gasping]

- WE'RE READY!- [laughing]

- IT'S YOUR LANDLORD![pounding continues]

- HEY, DEVON.

- HEY, HOW YOU DOING, BROTHER?

HOW YOU DOING?YEAH.

JUST, UH, STOPPING BY.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK UPON EVERYTHING.

- OKAY.- YEAH--AHA!

YOU IN HERE,YOU LITTLE MOTHER[bleep]?

NOPE.

CLOSET LOOK GOOD.

DOOR IS STRONG.

SO Y'ALL SETTLING IN?- YEAH.

WE'VE BEEN LIVING HEREA YEAR AND A HALF, SO WE HAVE.

- SO, UH, HOW ARE THESECUPBOARDS WORKING OUT FOR YOU?

MAN, NOBODY IN HERE...

BESIDES YOUR STUFF,WHICH LOOKS GOOD.

- THANK YOU.

- COMPLETELY UNRELATED--

HAVE Y'ALL SEEN A 4'11" DUDEWITH A PURPLE BEARD UP IN HERE?

- NO. NO.

NO, NO ONE'S IN HERE...

PROBABLY BECAUSE WE LOCKTHE DOOR.

- OH, HE GOT THE BODYLIKE A RAT.

HE CAN JUST SQUEEZETHROUGH THE VENTS.

- YEAH.

SO YOU THINK SOMEBODY'S HIDINGIN MY APARTMENT?

- NO.

I TOLD YOU--

IT'S JUST A SOCIAL CALL.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD GERALD BEIN HERE, ANYWAY?

- GERALD.

THERE IS A MANWITH A PURPLE BEARD

NAMED GERALD IN MY APARTMENT?

- HELL, NO!

WHY?DID YOU SEE HIM?

HE ABOUT 4'9",GOT A PURPLE BEARD.

- YEAH.

- HEY, BABY--- [screams maniacally]

- [screams]- UGH!

THIS IS--AGH!

[grunts]

OH.[laughs]

HEY, BABY GIRL.

YOU AIN'T GERALD.[snickers]

OH, BY THE BY, HAVE YOU SEENA 4'5" PURPLE BEARD?

- BABY...

- DEVON, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OKAY, YOU KNOW,I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH ALL Y'ALL.

THERE IS A 4'3" [bleep]WITH A PURPLE BEARD NAMED GERALD

SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

- WHY DOES HE KEEP GETTINGSMALLER

EVERY TIME YOU MENTION HIM?

- SERIOUSLY?

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANTTO ALARM Y'ALL.

HE IS DISTURBINGLY SMALL,REALLY.

HE A GOOD GUY.

HE SMOKE ROCK, THOUGH.

I MEAN, HE'LL DO ANYTHINGTO GET MONEY FOR CRACK.

ANYTHING.

- OKAY.

- I MEAN ANYTHING.

- I GET IT.

- HE WILL MURDER YOU.

- WELL, WE CERTAINLY HOPEYOU FIND HIM.

- OH, I'M GONNA FIND HIM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA LOOK LOW,

AND THENI'M GONNA LOOK HIGH.

[grunting]

- [screams]

[both screaming]

- GERALD,YOU TINY LITTLE BITCH!

SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE,Y'ALL.

GERALD, WHEN I GET MY HANDSON YOU, YOU GONNA BE 2'3"!

[news fanfare]

- WELCOME TO METTA WORLD NEWS.

IN SCIENCE NEWS,

IT IS IMPOSSIBLETO KNOCK YOURSELF OUT

WITH YOUR OWN FISTS.

LET'S NOT FALL BEHIND,AMERICA.

WELL, THAT WRAPS UPMETTA WORLD NEWS

FOR THIS WEDNESDAY.

BISCUIT, BISCUIT, BISCUIT.

I'M METTA WORLD PEACE.

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU WIN, FISH.

NOW I'M THE ONEIN THE AQUARIUM.

- [gasps]

D-DAD? DAD?

DAD!

- HEY, WHAT'S WRONG, MAN?

- I WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

- OH, AGAIN?

WHAT, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?- I MISS MOMMY.

- HEY, I KNOW.I KNOW.

IT'S--HEY, ME TOO.ME TOO, PAL.

- [sniffling]

- COME HERE, MAN.- [sobbing]

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.HEY, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.SHH, SHH, SHH.

- I JUST DON'T WANT ANYTHINGTO EVER HAPPEN TO YOU.

- HAPPEN TO ME?

HEY, COME ON, MAN, AIN'T NOTHINGEVER GONNA HAPPEN TO ME.

- REALLY?

- Y-YEAH.THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

SO, YES.

THAT, UM, NOTHING EVER GONNAHAPPEN TO ME.

AMD YOU AIN'T NEVERGONNA HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT NOTHINGHAPPENING TO ME.

- BUT--BUT--WHAT IF--

WHAT IF YOU GOT HIT BY A CAROR SOMETHING?

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE,BECAUSE I WILL NEVER DIE,

S-SO I CAN'T...

DIE, NO MATTER WHAT.

- YOU CAN'T DIE?

BUT I THOUGHTALL HUMAN BEINGS DIED.

- THAT'S TRUE.THAT'S TRUE.

THAT'S SCIENCE,SO THAT'S TRUE.

BUT I AM LUCKY,'CAUSE I AM NOT A HUMAN.

- YOU'RE NOT?

- I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS?- NO.

- HEY, YOU KNOW,I'LL JUST LET IT OUT.

I'M FROM A PLANET CALLEDL-LA--THELONIOUS,

AND THE THING IS,IT WAS BEING DESTROYED.

- OKAY.

- THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

MY--WAS--I WAS SENT DOWNHERE IN--IN--

IN A CAPSULE TO EARTHBY MY PARENTS.

- OH, LIKE SUPERMAN.

- SUPERMAN, YEP.

THAT IS WHATIT IS EXACTLY LIKE, EXCEPT--

OH, HERE'S THE THINGABOUT MY VERSION.

ONLY ONE SUPERPOWER--IMMORTALITY.

- OH.- YEAH.

SO I'M TIRED.

DADDY'S TIRED.

CAN YOU--LET'S GO TO SLEEP, OKAY?

- BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LIVEFOREVER, RIGHT?

BECAUSE I'M ONLY HALF ALIEN.

[sobbing]

SO I'M GONNA DIE.

- MM-HMM, MM-HMM,MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

YOU?

YOU--YOU RIGHTABOUT YOURSELF, EX--

BUT--

HA HA HA!

HERE IT IS.

THIS ONE SLIPPED MY MIND.

YOU CAN BUILD WITH ME

AN IMMORTALITY MACHINE

TO GIVE YOU WHAT I GOT

FROM THE REMNANTSOF MY SPACECRAFT.

SO, YEAH.

- WOW.- YOU GONNA BE IMMORTAL.

YOU GONNA BE IMMORTAL.

- DADDY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GETTHE REMNANTS?

- TOMORROW.- TOMORROW?

[gasps]

- GONNA GET THEM TOMORROWDURING WORK.

HEY, YOU GOT ANYTHINGTHAT LOOKS LIKE PARTS

OF A CRASHED SPACESHIP?

- DEAD MOM?- MM-HMM.

- MM-HMM.RIGHT THIS WAY.

- WHAT'D YOUR MOM SAY?- OH, JEEZ.

[laughter]GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

- GOOD NIGHT.- WHOO!

- ♪ I'M GONNA DOMY ONE LINE HERE ♪

- OH, YEAH.